Living With a Control Freak

Question #3: I am very bothered by my spouse’s controlling behavior; Always telling me what to do and how to do it. Sometimes I feel that my opinion doesn’t matter and it’s ‘my way or the high way’? What can I do about this issue?

Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch’s reply:

Controlling behavior may be the number one reason that marriages need help. In fact, it is one of the main reasons that couple’s come to speak with me looking for guidance and support.

If you are unfamiliar with the topic of control, it’s no surprise. Most people are unaware that control is a major topic for counselors, therapists and psychologists-at-large, which until recently has not entered into the public’s attention.

Today, many frum therapists are beginning to talk about control, including one of the leading Orthodox experts on marriage and relationships, Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski, M.D., who wrote an entire book on the topic. In “Successful Relationships: At Home, at Work, and with Friends: Bringing Control Issues Under Control,” Rabbi Twerski explains that, “Everyone may have the need to wield control, and there are many relationships which may indeed require control. Exceeding an acceptable amount of control invites trouble.”

Trouble, indeed. Think about your relationships. Which ones do you find meaningful and enjoyable and which ones do you avoid like the plague? Take your friends, for example. Do you try to control them, tell them what to do, yell at them, kvetch when you don’t get what you want right away? Probably not. So why do we feel free to try to control our closest and most intimate relationships?

Perhaps controlling behavior is due to human nature taking over. When we are married and live with someone for many years, we get accustomed to their habits; we get used to their small idiosyncrasies and begin to take for granted that, on some level, they exist to fulfill our needs. Over time, however, living with someone who is controlling is very difficult. Controlling individuals tend to create emotional distance and the people living with them develop the following beliefs about themselves:

* They are stuck with another person’s definition of them.
* They do not have the right to their own opinions.
* They can earn love and acceptance by abdicating control to another person.
* They are “successful” if they fulfill another person’s vision, even when it does not in any way support their own.

They must obtain permission to act in matters that are, in fact, their own business.

For those who find it difficult to imagine this kind of behavior, try to remember the last time you felt controlled by someone close to you, and then multiply that feeling by one-hundred-fold. Most of us have experienced some kind of control in our lives. For example, your parents may have tried to control what you ate or when you went to sleep. At work, you may have experienced a boss who aimed to control your behavior or ensure that your productivity was high. In the classroom, your teachers may have tried to control your behavior and make sure you focused on your studies.

Some people grew up in families where anger and criticism were used as methods to control each other. If these external forms of control were used in your family, you may have learned to respond to it with compliance: being a good girl or boy. You may have learned to put aside your own feelings and go along with what others wanted, in the hope of avoiding their wrath.

After learning how to handle control as a child, some utilize the same principles in marriage. Now it manifests itself in new way, for example, trying to “baby” your spouse by controlling his or her every move, giving in easily to what they want, or retreating or resisting their attempts to control you, are all systems of control.

That’s why as a counselor, I often find myself teaching couples how to moderate their level of control and increase their levels of mutual respect. The line of reasoning flows like this:

Less control and more focus on the relationship = healthy marriages.

More control and less focus on the relationship = unhealthy marriages.

When people are less controlling and more concerned about nurturing their relationship they are a lot more pleasant to be around and often live happier lives. They also find it easier to create and sustain loving and supportive relationships. To achieve a truly healthy marriage each person needs to shift from direct control, and focus on fulfilling the other’s stated needs.

Getting controlling behavior to change can be a difficult task. If discussing the need for your spouse to reduce their controlling attitude and to focus on your needs doesn’t work it is probably a sign that the controller may be experiencing a range of deeper emotional issues that are best worked out with the aid of a good therapist.

In therapy many control issues are often traced back to feelings of weakness and vulnerability where a person grew up feeling unable to negotiate their needs. Instead they learned early on how to go on the offensive and make demands before they were denied. In marriage the desire to control continues and may not end without intervention. In many cases these kinds of emotional issues can be explored and resolved if a person is committed to the therapeutic process.

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Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch is a trained marriage and family therapist who maintains a practice in Crown Heights specializing in couples therapy and families with teenagers at risk. Visit JewishMarriageSupport.com or call 646-428-4723.

Sholom Bayis is an advice and anonymous counseling blog on COLlive.com for married Chassidic couples. Questions can be sent to [email protected] or as a comment below. They will be answered appropriately and anonymously.