Jun 1, 2010
It's Not all Black & White

Shidduchim SOS: If you are going to marry what someone else thinks is good for you, but not what is truly good for you, then you will be miserable.

I would like to address a misconception which has crept in to our community at large, and more specifically to our single boys and girls on the shidduch scene.

There was a comment on the last Shidduch Op-Ed - "A Crime to be Chassidish?" - that got a lot of feedback and for good reason, it was pretty controversial and, in my opinion, not very intelligent and not very accurate.

The part of the comment which I am addressing reads as follows: "Crude as it may sound, shidduchim is all about how you market yourself, it's one big P.R. game Guys are either selling themselves as the learning 770 bochur who's going on Shlichus or the working guy who is frum but trims his beard or the gezha guy who has a lot of family money etc........with girls it's the same deal, - yes every one of you are multiple dimensional complicated deep people but unfortunately you gotta pick one image, one persona that you put out there and you gotta stick with it, otherwise you send out mixed messages and it just causes confusion for everyone else and frustration for you."

First of all, not everything is so black and white as you put it. What I mean to say is, not every guy is either in 770 looking to go on shlichus or is working and trims his beard. You don't have to stick to "one persona or one image," as you put it.

There are some guys who are working and don't trim their beards and who want to go on shlichus when they get married and build a frum and chassidishe home.

There are some who are in 770 and one day they are looking to have a business or career in whatever field they choose.

This labeling of people is really wrong.

So guys and gals, listen up:

If you are working and looking to go on shlichus eventually then say so to whomever you talk to in regards to your shidduchim - friends, parents, etc... and don't say you are looking for a boy/girl with a career or profession in another field. There is no black and white, there are some guys who will not go to a movie and don't want to have movies in their house and still want to build a chassidishe home - but not necessarily on shlichus. This is not a contradiction to being open-minded and with-it.

There are some who would want someone who doesn't sit all day and watch movies but still is open-minded enough to understand that there is a world out there and can enjoy themselves and knows how to have fun in ways other than going to the movies. For example - going to restaurants, shopping, going to a baseball game etc. There are many different levels and you have to be specific in what you are truly looking for in a spouse and levels of frumkeit.

As important as having simillar goals and hashkafois are, I think the personality of the person and their middos are just as important. Is he a mentsch? Is he nice and giving? Is she the type of person who will go out of her way for someone else, or totally self-absorbed and selfish and high maintenance? I think this is what people need to make sure that they not overlook.

Sometimes we get so caught up in "do we share the same ideals and goals" and we forget the main thing, "is this person a mentsch and can I live with them and be happy, or will she use me and abuse me and be a 'Machashifah'."

If she will be that, then it doesnt matter if we share the same goals or ideals, the marriage will not last, and if it does, it will definitely have a negative impact on the future children and ch"v generations to come.

If you're a girl and you're looking for guy who wants to go on shlichus and is frum, you have to learn how to look past the chitzoniyus, not like Mr. #6 says, but rather what is he now and what does he want to do when he settles down and gets married and what type of home does he want to build.

Just because he works doesn't disqualify him/her from not wanting to go on shlichus or wanting a frum home.

This is called being truthful with one's self and what they are really looking for.

If you are going to marry what someone else thinks is good for you but not what is TRULY good for you then you will be miserable and not be happy.

Is the point just to get married??? Or to stay married and build a beautiful home and stay happily married for many years to come?

Be truthful with what you are and what you are looking for and know that there is nothing wrong with being multi-faceted in regards to working and still looking to go on shlichus one day or vice versa, if you're in 770 and looking to have a business or work not in a moisad.

Good luck to all on finding their bashert very very soon!!!

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simple, but
well said!
(6/1/2010 10:59:18 PM)
Who is the author of this?
(6/1/2010 11:05:48 PM)
Post smicha bochur
I am a bochur who just finished smicha, and can entirely relate to what is written in this article.

I am now faced with a delema of what to do the coming year. I don´t want to work in a yeshiva, or waste my time in 770 (as many guys my age do). I am an open minded guy who wants to go on shlichus after i get married, but think i have a good buisness sense and want to work for the next year or two until i´m ready to get married.

The problem is, that once i start working, i am labeling myself as a ¨working bochur¨. the fact that i learn shlosha perakim rambam and learn chitas every day, learn a few sichos and at least one maamar a week won´t help me from being labeled a ¨working bochur¨.

In truth i am really sickend by the whole thing, and if i knew that i could marry someone that can look past such ¨labeling¨, i would go and work and forget what everyone else says, because it really only matters what the person i am iy¨h going to marry thinks. But being that the reality is that most people DO label, and DO generalize, I am back with my original problem of what to do for the next year or two until i get married.

As the expression goes, "A shvere golus".
(6/1/2010 11:06:51 PM)
i'm not sorry to say

like it or not

the most car crashes happen when the light is orange; neither red or green!

(6/1/2010 11:22:51 PM)
all is nice and said, but when I choose the name that I think is suitable, I get a big NO. So I continue going down the line until I get a yes. By that time the guy I finally got to go out is not even remotely compatible to what I want.
(6/1/2010 11:28:35 PM)
The Talmud says to look for three things in a person. B'kisoi, B'koisoi, B'kasoi. Lite4rally translated means, Pocket, Cup, Anger, which means is he a miser (cheap), Does he drink alot and does he have a temper. If he doesn't fit in to those 3 criterias then he's potentially a mentsch.
(6/1/2010 11:42:43 PM)
in need of a shiduch?
i am a working bochur, dont shave or even trim, say chitas and ramabam, goes to the mikva daily, love the rebbe, dont see myself going out there on shlichus, but defentially contributing my talents to shlichus type of work - such as working on chabad.org type of stuff - behind the scenes. i am lloking for a shiduch. - amen!!!
(6/1/2010 11:53:23 PM)
I am surprised by the condescending attitude of the author. Because of the tone I am totally turned off to his message. A real pity considering the immense effort it took to write the article.
(6/1/2010 11:56:39 PM)
Hey number 3
I'll marry you! I would def not label a guy just because he is working as a "working bochur" If you are clear you want to go on shlichus afterwards its not a problem. hey guys have to do SOMETHING with their lives besides wasting around, in between yeshiva life and married life.

(and to all those sour faced dry people with no sense of humor who will immediatly scream out their comments of how pathetic it has gotten to that girls are willing to marry total strangers well I'm saving you the time and finger energy used on typing your indignant comments with this disclaimer-Of course I wouldnt!)

and to the author I laughed out loud at your description of a girl you most def. have gone out with- a self absorbed selfish and high maintainance girl- am I right??!!
(6/1/2010 11:59:30 PM)
Totally agree
Hashem sent me the right one - BH, because I couldn't accurately express what I was looking for. He's 100% real chassidish, not into business, but also not into moving out on shlichus. It doesn't have to be one or the other.

Please don't pigeonhole yourself. Please try to figure out what YOU want in life and communicate it properly. Please don't tell the person you are dating after 3+ dates that you are really looking for X. That just hurts people.

The author expressed himself very well.
(6/2/2010 12:00:57 AM)
to #4
What exactly wa your point? All the author was pointing out was that it is in fact NOT black and white- which is just as true as the accident case you gave as an example. When is comes to shidduchim, it it black, white, grey, and all colors before and after. You can't label people as "bochur going on shluchis wanting to raise a chassidishe home" and a " working man who trims and watches movies"---WHY? Because there is something called reality, in which not all things fall in 2 categories.

I am a "working girl". I dont trim my beard :) I wear jean skirts, watch movies occasionally, daven daily, like to shop and travel, read english novels....the list goes on. My point is is that I am looking for a chassidishe home, am also looking for a man in the professional field, but that doesn't mean I have to let my hopes up because according to you, all business men trim.

Point proven- it's NOT all black and white.

(6/2/2010 12:06:38 AM)
to number 5
actually most car crashes happen when someone runs a red and the other person had a green
(6/2/2010 12:09:46 AM)
(6/2/2010 12:14:00 AM)
Good Points!
Who wrote this?
(6/2/2010 12:17:32 AM)
a year in 770 is a stage. u dont wana miss it!
(6/2/2010 12:31:26 AM)
Black, White, Red, Green, Orange
It's all so confusing!
(6/2/2010 12:53:20 AM)
to #3
I was in the same boat last year I am happy to help you by telling you stay in yeshiva
To your claim against 770 that Bochurim don’t learn
Pick a goal of what you want to learn either a Masechta L'iyun Or even continue on in learning Halacha there are many Bochurim In 770 learning Schita or Dayanus you just need something to stick with
You can make it too to Seder here all the talk of Bochurim missing all the time in 770 is if you don’t won’t to learn
As the saying goes if there is a will there is a way
(6/2/2010 12:58:17 AM)
to #13
come test me i am sure we can really show you what happening in 770 maybe you are just stuck with your own life dont speak against a whole i am in 770
i am there from 7:45am untill 10:30 everyday and there are a bunch more here like me
as we say here t.o.t
(6/2/2010 1:01:49 AM)
jussst a second
I think 770 is the place where guys can sit and stroke their beards while looking up and telling their chavrusa i think i see one at 12:00 ....

i wish you all hatzlocha in catching your fish
(6/2/2010 1:33:49 AM)
to number 7
im looking for a shidduch too, we should arrange a set up! ;)
(6/2/2010 2:08:09 AM)
to 11
sweety, it's perfectly fine to go into business! no one said it makes him not chassidish. bochurim who don't trim and want to go into business, exist.

The truth is that MOVIES ARE BLACK! So are English novels! Both clearly against the Rebbe's specific stipulation! How then can you say that it's not black and white?
(6/2/2010 2:11:44 AM)
(6/2/2010 2:13:38 AM)
what is a maamer?
what is a maamer?
(6/2/2010 9:03:50 AM)
do NOT talk against the ones learning in 770.

stop making generalizations
(6/2/2010 9:50:41 AM)
the author is a dry dark black with maybe a little gray. Was this article meant to enlighten, or give chizuk or what????????? Maybe a shadchan who is worn out or burnt out. Maybe sometimes a 20 year old isn't even sure what she wants.
(6/2/2010 11:10:44 AM)
Totally agree with the author. The terms "chassidish" and "modern" have to be obliterated and replaced with longer descriptions.
(6/2/2010 11:38:43 AM)
Thank you for pointing out the obvious
So I've read some of these articles and the comments. Everyone seems to know what to do and say. We all can give great advice on what to look for, how to do it etc. Sadly, a lot of people are still single.
I have to point out that people either click or they don't. You can share the same goals, be a wonderful person and still be bored out of your mind on a date.
(6/2/2010 11:43:28 AM)
College education
Stop putting labels on people and listen to what they say about themselves. I am a single girl with a college degree and I am sick and tired of being set up with guys who are at least PhD's because I went to college.
Let me be extremely clear, I am NOT interested in a guy being a genius or going to college, all I want for him to be a normal working guy.
(6/2/2010 11:47:19 AM)
labels exist
Unfortuately labels exist, people who decide what label they want to put on you exist - no body bothers to try to get to know you really . They just want a quick sticker to stamp on your head whatever they decide be it true or not!
Fed up with system !
Are there any real frum people out there anymore?
(6/2/2010 12:32:27 PM)
to 19
as you are a guy who is in the downstairs world i will tell u what happens in the lady section we say look under this letter... the fourth hat etc...
(6/2/2010 1:06:48 PM)
where are the shadchanim?
The author came straight to the point for the singles today to be clear . It is ok to be frum and mix learning and working for the bachurim. Now...... where are the SHADCHANIM? Who are they? There are tooooo many singles in the Lubavitch world !!!!!!!!
Besides shadchanim what about FRIENDS!!!!!
(6/2/2010 1:54:03 PM)
good points
to #5 If your not compatible then he shouldn't be on your list in the first place.
to #9 People DO label but keep in mind that just as many don't.
to #13 I learned in 770. Bochurim tend to come late at times but they do learn!! Listen to #17,18 and 24.
to #31 EVERYONE is a potentiol Shadchan. Lets bang some heads together and have some Mazel Tov's.Lechaim.
(6/2/2010 2:47:16 PM)
to 21
we are not talking about right and wrong here, even that has grey areas, but watching a movie cud go into the black category, saying chitas in the white.

Here we are talking about the way people live their lives and one girl may say her chitas is 100% tznius, but has no problem reading goyshe novels, yet you can have a guy who trims his beard, watches movies, goes to bars, and says 3 prokim rambam e. day.

What the author is trying to say u cannot divide e/1 into 2 categories of black and white...it def would make shidduchim easier lol.

The shades of grey are what make life interesting, no two people are alike....
(6/2/2010 3:04:04 PM)
this article should have been posted long ago
there is a bashert out there for everyone .stick to what you want ,be true to yourself and say what you really want, dont let people change you mind,for your match is waiting for you and you are marrying him,no one else.
(6/2/2010 3:23:13 PM)
Great article
I know that people do assume things, and they do label people, and they do put people in certain boxes.

However I choose to ignore it, and live by the motto, that if someone dismisses me just because they think they don't like one aspect of what they hear, without finding out who I am as a whole person, then that person isn't the right person for me anyway.
(6/2/2010 4:30:24 PM)
to all chitas sayers
saying ur chitas and rambam is great.. however it does not mean you are frumer or better than som1 who doesnt ..i know plenty of ppl who unfortunatly say their chitas etc...and they happen not to be mentchen....and i have many friends from other chasidishe circles who have never heard of chitas and they are ultra refined and erleche yidden...
(6/2/2010 4:54:12 PM)
Lucky Charms
A working boy who is "kovaya itim": does a daily Omud or Daf Gemorah (iyum or bekiyus) and daily kviyus in halacha (l'ma'aseh)...is a PERFECT catch. It's not enough to just do Rambam, chitas, weekly sicha and mamor !

There are fine catches who will be "earners and learners". Earning a living, whether getting a job on shlichus, kli kodesh or just an honest job is a noble goal.

Likewise, if someone is learning a trade or profession while also being kovaya itim - deserves our highest respect. He isn't being a batlan, shooting the breeze and yenting while keeping a bench warm in 770. He is forward looking and knows that he will soon need to pay rent and expenses - and not rely on handouts from government or relatives.

Shlichus is a pipe dream - bochurim follow the party line and SAY you want shlichus, knowing full well that it probably won't happen (hundreds of married couples waiting for shlichus). They are scared to say the truth - that they have no idea what they will do for parnasa, that they are unqualified to do any work. Those who have qualifications or are working towards that goal must hide in terror for their reputation! Touro means you are THAT type of bochur, and displaces you from the "good" bochurim!

Shlichus and learning don't always go hand in hand. Some married men leave on shlichus and rarely open a sefer (except when forced to prepare a shiyur for their balibatim).

A working bochur who dedicates a significant part of his time to be kovaya itim in a bais hamedrash is preparing for real life.
(6/2/2010 5:16:37 PM)
we are people
We are not pieces of paper... we are people. Multi faceted people. We have personalities, we have feelings, we have aspirations, we have ideals, we have bodies, we have minds, we have chassidus, we have desires... we are people.

Sadly the shidduch system has come to what is written on your piece of paper... a paper cannot do justice to a person!
When choosing from a piece of paper obviously you want everything to be perfect... and on a piece of paper someone who is chassidish doesnt make sense to be watching movies... but we are not pieces of paper and therefore both sides can exist... we can strive to be chassidish and learn etc... but at the same time give in to desires and watch a movie!
My question is how can we shift the shidduch system from judging off a paper to looking at a whole person. When choosing from paper obviously you will reject the non perfect, non gorgeous, seemingly confused person... while in reality this person may have tremendous abilities and talents that out weigh everything!
How do we be come people again and not pieces of paper?
(6/2/2010 5:26:16 PM)
To #5 -
#5, you scare me! I glanced at the article and your comment caught my eye.
Gevalt! Why are you going out if "is not even remotely compatible to what I want." ? You are wasting your time AND his time. If there was something in the suggestion you REMOTELY compatible why do you do it? The one you need to go out with has to be (even a slight) possibility, otherwise you do like those who say "Oh here we have pants and a skirt, great match!"

Shidduchim is the one thing we have NO control over. It comes from the Aibishter when the time is right with the right person. Sure we have to do what we must (make a Keily, research, speak to people, also to shadchonim, helping a friend etc.) and we have veto power (bechira) like in all things, but what you describe sounds to me like desperation. Channel your desperation into doing extra ruchnius, it will get you further!
May you go out with one who has what you need and answers you "yes" and may it be soon.
Mrs Junik
(6/2/2010 5:33:14 PM)
I am a local shadchan, and as much as i hear the genuine frustration on a daily basis from parents and boys/girls alike regarding either not having anyone to go out with, or settling for someone from a bt family - which as we know can really be unpleasant for the rest of the family as hard as it is to admit its just a fact of life - or marrying someone because OTHER people told me to etc, these are all issues that can be resolved with the girls making simple sacrifices simply in order to move forward in life and have that amazing life they imagined. for example, if rivky (fictional name) made a serious commitment to lose 40lbs and buy nicer boots that reveal a drop under the knee or other such things then yechiel (fictional) would have had a more open mind to the idea and there would be a possibility for future generations of gd fearing yidden.
i KNOW this is hard on the ears and its kind of callus in nature but i guess the point is, if the girls made a slight effort towards weight loss or other appearance improvements the boys WILL notice and we will all be surprised at how their minds can open to new ideas as far as families and backgrounds go.
id love to hear the readers thoughts.
(6/2/2010 5:39:10 PM)
#3 and all other guys out there:
so go ahead and do whatever you decide you want to do! but then dont say "im a chassidish working guy" because your not doing what the Rebbe said!!!!
(6/2/2010 5:43:36 PM)
how bout the 770 boys who get up to no good like hang around with girls and worse? I would rather meet someone who is upfront - yes I go to work but I am still frum and do not mess around with girls.... people think that just because a guy is in 770 he is holy and only doing the right thing
(6/2/2010 5:57:30 PM)
to 39
OMG ure amaaaazing! finally someone not afraid to tell like the truth!!!!!!!!
(6/2/2010 6:31:48 PM)
yes indeed
to number 37
thanks for saying what i wanted to say
the truth must be heard
someone who is working and or going to college and chassidish is OKAY-its not labeling him a chilled guy.Let us the get the message out there!!

(6/2/2010 7:02:27 PM)
to #39
Yes, I'm sure you are not married... and you want to support the guy until he figures out what he wants to do with his life.

FYI, there is nothing wrong or unchassidish about working, in fact if you ever learned a sichah you will find that working is a holy thing and the main part of a yid's avodah.

So it seems that working is not feh and "yeeeiiichi."
(6/2/2010 7:25:54 PM)
to #40
I can not believe you are actually commenting like that about baal teshuvah families. Remind me NEVER to run a shidduch by you.
(6/2/2010 8:14:53 PM)
to 37 and 45
#37 you are 100% right, and #45- the commenter signs her name as MRS Junik- she is married and has married off several of her children.............
(6/2/2010 8:20:00 PM)
thanx but..........
easier said than done
(6/2/2010 8:42:08 PM)
to nr. 6
"BEKISO BEKOISOI UBEKAASO" means that you should see how 1) a person deals with money 2) how he acts when he drinks 3) and how he deals with his anger
if a person deals with those instances accordingly then he is a mentch

(6/2/2010 10:14:29 PM)
to #40
What kind of shadchan are you? Suggesting that girls lose a little more weight and try to make improvements on their appearances in order to get a shidduch? How could you? Remind me not to use you as a shadchan- or maybe you are a shadchan I used amongst MANY that sit with me for 10 minutes askng about my life ans what I'm looking for ane don't even have the decency to returns emails and phone calls after months of the initial meeting???

I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated because I am a Lubavitch girl. I am not black and white. I am a 20 year old girl looking for my bashert, and here you come, and instead of giving inspiration, you give deprivation towards ever finding a shidduch.
How about this- I've been on so many dates and I put effort into dressing beautifully, brushing my teeth ( you won't believe how many guys have showed up on a date with, I'm assuming, spinach stuck in their teeth), and prepping myself for a proper date. Most guys I've gone out with can only be described as SHLUMPY! They dress in wrinkled clothes, some no tie/ or yes tie, depends on the person, and plop, yes PLOP themselves in the car that it causes the whole car to shake.

Mentch? Maybe to some standards. Not mine. I make an effort to be polite, dress nicely, and gracefully let myself in the car. Not plop.
So maybe shadchanim are over worked, under appreciated, too popular for their own good. But there's never an excuse for indecency.

(6/2/2010 10:16:54 PM)
to #3 and all boys like him
My friends and I are all married a long time already. However, we were all looking for a guy similar to what you describe you are ( however not necessarily going on Shlichus) and we have mostly found guys like you and are happily married. There are many girls who ARE looking for a guy with your exact description. As for the Shichus aspect, I am not chas vesholom knocking shluchim but being on shlichus has NO connection to how frum a person is or whether a person has Yiras Shomayim or not.
(6/2/2010 10:42:45 PM)
#40 - Get a clue
Everyone knows that Lubavitch girls are the best looking Orthodox girls out there who dress well and take care of themselves. The guys, on the other hand, are shlumps whose beard is flying everywhere, the shirt was last ironed in 1962 (and yes, that's when he bought it.) You know the most common question asked is "what is SHE doing with HIM?"
I am sorry to be mean but shadchanim need to get a clue about the real shidduch scene and what the singles are dealing with today.
(6/3/2010 12:07:41 AM)
Im on many refrence lists for alot of friends of mine.
I can tell you first hand one of the main problems is as follows:

A mother wants to find out more about a guy so she calls someone from his refrence list, the guy doesn't know how to articulate and gives a very unclear discription. So the mother calls someone else and he doesnt know the guy very well so he says things that are so not accurate.

Now the mother is turned off and thinks this guy is not what her daughter is looking for, based of course on bad information. Meanwhile the guy is what she was looking for it could have been a great shiduch.


Guys feel bad when they cant help. just say you dont know the guy well stop messing up his chances im sick of this.

How do I know this because at the end of every single call I get, the mother says your amazing so articulate and to the point you really know how to describe him.

The truth is I just know him very well thats all very simple.

Mothers regret not letting thier daughters go out because they find out later he really was a great guy but now hes married already.

To all the mothers out there: not everything you hear about someone is written in stone find out the truth make sure the refrence really knows him!!!

Lubavitch needs guys who are mentchen and well balanced, open minded and down to earth. Guys who dont fool themselves, they know who they are and what thier looking for!

Remember thousnads of years ago a pact was made between yisacher and zevulen Rashi says thier both equal okay we need both no one is greater then the other !!

(6/3/2010 12:33:28 AM)
to 53

(6/3/2010 2:21:50 AM)
Said allready.
This article in my opinion, is just explaining the point which MRS JUNIK brought out in the last article., you have to define yourself better and not use a general term like chassidish explain what you are, and what your looking for, and with gods help and a lot of "kabalos ol", who ever is looking for a shudduch will find one soon! Amen.
(6/3/2010 2:38:10 AM)
well said #40
i really agree with #40. after reading an article in nshe chabad last year about shidduchim and why men cant find the right girl is because...SHE DOESNT CARE HOW SHE LOOKS! she doesnt look presentable...maybe weight is a TURN OFF thats why men arnt interested..concerning how she dresses... well....YOUR COULD DRESS VERY TZNIUS AND HAVE AMAZING CLOTHES...BUT THE PROBLEM IS GIRLS DONT CARE WHAT THEY WEAR AND HOW THEY LOOK...MAYBE THIS WILL BE A WAKE UP CALL FOR YOU GIRLS...sadly, sorry. dont take offence, but its only the truth...dont dress like bobba's because you 20,21,22
(6/3/2010 9:20:57 AM)
strongly agree with #40
well said and definitly true...maybe consider loosing weight and caring about what u look like when u step out of the house too....looking presentable is important
(6/3/2010 9:23:55 AM)
It's complicated
I am a single bochur. Having completed basic Semicha last year (i.e. Taaruvos, Bosor B'cholov, Melicha, Yuchsin, Aveilus) I am currently studying for a university degree by online correspondence with hopes if developing a career. I am involved in shlichus in my home town, specifically in the area of Chinuch- I teach both children and adults. These activities generate a small source of income which comes in handy for covering basic expenses and saving up (and university fees!). Despite my busy schedule I have Chavrusas every day and try to maintain a good balance of learning both Nigleh (Gemorah, Halacha) and Chassidus (Sichos, Maamorim). Chitas and 3 prokim of Rambam are givens; I never go to sleep before completing them. I do not trim my beard. I very rarely daven without a minyan, and never past the zman. I do not go to the movies, but I admit I do watch a bit of TV.

Based on all the above info about myself I have decided to reveal here, how would I be labeled in the Shiduch World?
(6/3/2010 10:23:58 AM)
Excuse the typo
I'm the previous poster (#58). Correction: "... with hopes OF developing a career".
(6/3/2010 10:40:04 AM)
You would be described as a colorful guy.
#56 and #57- maybe speak for your daughters, but I for myself and speaking on my sisters and friends behalf dress and take care of ourselves very nicely. It's always a let dow to me when they guy shows up in no tie, a wrinkled shirt, and baggy pants, and like i said in comment #50, plops himself in the car.

It's a gross generalization. Some girls don't care about weight or dress( and still-SHOCKER- get happily married), some are fashionable, care about health and weight. Some guys are total shlumps and lazy bums, still get married-maybe to a similar sort of personality, shlump wise ;), and some guys dress well and care about their health.


(6/3/2010 10:47:09 AM)
To number 59
I would say you are the perfect balance for a Chassidish girl who lives in this world.
(6/3/2010 10:49:52 AM)
This is # 53
To # 54

Sorry for the typos but I think the message was pretty clear and all the individual points I made as well !

For the record I can't stand people who read a article and all they care about are the typos they found it !!!
(6/3/2010 1:02:34 PM)
who is the author
of this article?
(6/3/2010 1:22:52 PM)
The parents shouldn't be so objective, saying, "oh, my daughter's waaaay to good for him...etc. etc."
(6/3/2010 1:26:19 PM)
an idea
All our lubavitch girls/boys have alot of maalos!. the papers don't do them justice and it is insulting! how about setting up an OFFICIAL PANEL of CAPABLE and CARING shadchanim either in C.H. or in the major cities. 2) or setting up an acceptable website or office which lists every single Lubavitch girl/boy ready for shidduchim from each city, state or country separately. This way a parent in Los Angeles (for example) would be able to look and inquire through the names of potentials in Miami , Montreal , CH , London , Melbourne , South Africa..............
Any volunteers to start this website?!!!
(6/3/2010 3:10:34 PM)
to number 58
someone who is chassidsh and open minded in a posotive way.You show responsiblity by being concerned about wanting to make a good parnassah.and you do all the right things .You are a true person.You got your head on straight
(6/3/2010 6:03:15 PM)
to #63
I am the author, a single bochur who has been engaged once and thank g-d I ended it.
She was a machshaifah and very controlling.
(6/3/2010 6:25:59 PM)
To #60
Hey 60, this is #58. What exactly do you mean by 'colorful'?
(6/3/2010 9:08:42 PM)
to #2, #14, #63
This is the author, I'm a bochur who has been engaged once and I'm telling you this from personal experience.
You need to get your priorities straight and really be truthful to yourself and then hopefully it will all work out.
(6/3/2010 10:39:41 PM)
To #68
This is #60-
what I mean by 'colorful' is that you are not the standard black and white stereotype. You completed smicha, are working towards a profession, yet don't trim, and watch some TV (shh, but so do I)- hence you are colorful. I am a colroful sort of girl- I went through the lubav system- beis chana high school, seminary, shluchis, the whole shabang, but I am going to college, started my own profession, and watch some TV.
(6/4/2010 12:06:26 PM)
to #70
Are you open to shlichus??
(6/4/2010 4:40:53 PM)
To #40
I am very disturbed about your disparaging remark about Baal Teshuvah families. My husband and I are Baalei Teshuvah and we have a stricly kosher and shomrei Shabbos home. All of our seven children attended Lubavitch schools,Yeshivos and seminaries. There are some pictures in the News sites of the Melbourne Mesivtah class. One of these Bochurim happens to be our son. A large number of these Bochurim were raised by BT parents. So please don't judge!
(6/5/2010 9:46:03 AM)
to #40
im from a bt family and one of the most chassidsh girls in my class.its the shluchims kids who watch movies and need help. the ppl who wont marry ppl from bt families are missing out and should not be going on shlichus if they mekarev ppl but it is below there dignity 2 marry them!
(6/6/2010 2:25:21 AM)
to #40
marrying someone from a bt family is not making a "sacrifice". it is showing u r marrying someone for who they are and not marrying them for there family.
(6/6/2010 2:44:47 AM)
to # 3
you sound like the guy for me
(6/6/2010 3:24:36 PM)
Very Curious
this is 53 #

What is more on demand today? What are girls looking for

A chasiddeshe guy


Someone with a nice balance a well rounded guy which means he has a worldly touch, plus all the chasiddishe values as well

Which one???

(6/7/2010 3:38:27 PM)
this is #60
#76- I chose option B.
But that's just a personal thing :)
(6/7/2010 4:56:02 PM)
to 76
i cant speak for everyone but i know girls who want a guy that has the nice balance well rounded worldly touch and the chassidic values-can go to school.davens,learns,doesn't touch beard and is mentch,good middos.
(6/7/2010 5:06:14 PM)
To #50

You dated guys who wear ties? I have never considered it and neither have any of my friends

Wow! Ties... ad mosai!
(6/8/2010 5:18:22 PM)
to #58, #59, #68 (same person!)
It's me. Just letting you know I saw your post. ;) ttyl
(6/29/2010 11:07:47 PM)
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