By R.B. for COLlive.com
The whistle blows once. The cluster of girls at the edge of the pool hurriedly assemble a neat, if asymmetrical, line.
The whistle blows again. As if on cue, ten thirteen- year- olds, already bent over in diving position, streak neatly like well aimed arrows, into the water.
One swimmer, in a blue speckled swimming cap, hesitates, then joins the others. From afar, she can hear her name being cheered on. You can do it, she tells herself, echoing those supporters oh so far away.
The half way hurdle has been passed. She steels her eyes to focus on that brick wall at the end. Without even realizing it, she had taken to treading water and had not moved since the three quarter way mark at all!
Tentatively, hopefully, she glances up ahead- and feels her heart drop. The end has never seemed further.
Sometimes, I feel like the girl in the blue speckled swimming cap. Life has a tendency to throw challenges at us, at times with no prior warning at all. There are therefore some we are prepared for, some we’re not- and some we think we are prepared for.
Standing at the threshold of the dating world was my comfortable position for a while. When the time came for me to embrace it, I listened carefully to my siblings, friends and well meaning family. Despite my feelings of anxiousness, looking around me, everyone was doing it. I prepared myself as well I could- I read, spent time alone thinking seriously about my future, turned to those more experienced than me with my questions and consumed their ready answers.
Then the third whistle blew and it was time to take the plunge. There was no use delaying it any further. I took a deep breath, and jumped right in.
At first, it was all as expected. The initial shock of finding myself in this new world wore off after the first few dates. It was like trying out a new roller-coaster at the theme park for the first time. Nervous excitement, but oh, the thrill of it!
My mind would play tricks with me, presenting me with images of someone looking extremely like me, dressed in a white wedding gown, a nameless boy at her side. The imagination is a wondrous thing though and that wonderful image spurred me on during those first few months. I felt like I was doing swimmingly well.
It didn’t take too long for the excitement to fade. It became continuously harder to feel the thrill. My peers and their instructions rang through my head and I struggled to implement their helpful ideas in my not- so- new- anymore dating world. Take each day at a time? That would have been fine if there weren’t days that were full of worry as, stressful and tense, we would wait a good three days to hear back from the other side.
Don’t take it personally? Easy to say if you’re not the one being turned down countless times after what appeared to you to have been a pleasant and enjoyable date. Then, my favorite line: It’s obviously not your time yet. If you can’t be the one to tell me when it is time, please- don’t remind me that it’s not.
And the social pressure! Very soon after I had begun my dating excursions, I noticed that varied conversation was something of the past. Politics, (which used to bore me to tears but now seemed that much more appetizing)sports, community, food- all these topics seemed to take a back seat to a very dominant headline- dating! Every event, every simcha, every phone conversation and Facebook chat- no one could get enough of it and I felt lost in the depth of it all.
I would pep-talk myself: Everyone goes through it. You’ll manage somehow. You’re doing the best you can. But sometimes, I felt like running into the streets and screaming and screaming till my voice could scream no more and the echoes of my cries would bounce off the silent walls. The pressure was at its boiling point. I was trying to breathe underwater like a sea creature- without the help of fins and scales.
But my strange world proved itself to be a temporary one, as to my honest surprise and concealed shock, some of my friends emerged onto dry land to claim their medal- a wedding, with all its glamour and ecstasy. This wondrous occurrence began to repeat itself a number of times and my disbelief turned into something else. Vivacious green envy, dripping poison in its intensity.
How had they reached their goal? What was I doing wrong? The reaction was one I knew to be unjust, mean, selfish. But how was it that I was still frantically blowing bubbles and they were floating on them?
It was at this point that I decided to take a breather. I stepped back from the scene for some time, and allowed the normality of day to day life wash over me. But my guilty pleasure was short lived as time did not stand still, even for the likes of me. Somewhat revived, I rejoined the race.
Things are different now. Harder than ever, if that were possible.
Conversation around me has switched to talks of maternity clothes and first teeth. The few who remain in my world are focused on their efforts to get out of it – and the depression that comes with it. When I close my eyes and let my mind wander to that far away image of the girl in a white gown- the girl keeps changing, taking on the impression of every one of my married friends in turn. I feel burnt out, exhausted and hopelessly out of breath.
The words of advice I received have yellowed and all but cracked, hardly recognizable and surely of no use anymore. An unnatural feeling, one I am not used to, steals over my heart. Fear. Will I get there in the end? This chase seems to be going nowhere. All leads are followed, to be proven false. Yet the mystery man prevails.
The end has never seemed further.
Waiting for the bashert? Check out COLlive’s Shidduchim SOS
I’m sitting here, after reading this beautifully written article (and i intend to read the full version in a few minutes as well), and all the comments that followed. Firstly, I feel as if the article itself, and about half the comments, are speaking straight out of my own throat. The comments about the older/younger sister situation were particularly insightful, since I’m in that situation. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if a few of them were written by my own sister! If so, they gave me a bit more of your perspective than I already have. Interesting that the… Read more »
older bochur, can i have your number?
nice to see an article that expresses feelings without blaming anybody
older buchur
wouldn’t it be great if this situation was addressed when all the girls come to CH for chof-beis Shvat? I’ve often heard that many of the bachurim who are dating would like to see more shidduchim made available at this time. something ti think about…there’s still time.
Thank you everyone for your comments. I must say i was pleasantly surprised at the magnitude and positivity of the response. I am used to reading other peoples articles on this site and seeing them being torn to pieces. So I thank you for the optimism and kind words, both about the writing itself and the encouragement for the topic it represents. And to those who held back their tongues- thank you too. Iyhm I have other writing works in progress which I hope to publish on this site soon. All the best to everyone struggling in this situation. It’s… Read more »
Firstly to the author: This was an extremely well written piece. The use of vivid imagery and the parallel dynamic you describe are outstanding. You transport the reader to your situation and allow them to share in your feelings. Top notch work. Please note that my comments were only given out of a genuine desire to help. It’s best not to get defensive about these things (45&46), but instead to truly be introspective and see where we need to work on ourselves (all of us need to work on ourselves). And none of us have “been there and done that”… Read more »
I’m sorry that I misjudged you. I’m so happy for you that B”H you found your bashert! I do have a question though, when you were single, and all your friends and family members were getting married- did you also have this cheery disposition? as you write “My goodness-why can’t each day be one of of joy and a sunny sky full of hope and promise?” If yes, then inspire me, tell me- how did you keep your head above the water especially when the going got tough? How did you quiet that voice inside of you that keeps reminding… Read more »
No one is saying people should wait forever, but as someone said before, the sisters should discuss an appropriate age. Obviously there are exceptions to every rule, but for the most part I agree waiting till 22 is completely reasonable. And by the way, I am the younger sister and my sister (who is VERY normal) and I discussed that when I turn 22 I would start looking. I have a lot of respect for my sister and her happiness means everything to me.
What then is the solution to the older sister problem? Should both the older and younger sisters remain single indefinitely? I have seen situations where the older sister has issues that the younger one does not have. Should the younger one pass up her chance to marry and grow old together with her sister? No one says it is easy and no says it isn’t painful. Sometimes the younger sister must watch while all her friends marry and she is held as an agunah to her older sister. Sometimes the older sister is stubbornly refusing the boys who do come… Read more »
its hard to enjoy life when you have no friends left to enjoy it with… as many times as you may say it, married friends can never understand what their friend is going through, (fortunately for them) and from experience with myself and other singles, a lot of close friendships fizzle out after marriage despite all good intentions. Noone is to blame- friendships are largely based on common ground and similarities between two people and somehow, once married, the married friend has taken on a whole new image and status, entering a totally different stage. It is for this reason… Read more »
As much as she is “doing a chesed”, she is still left single, unless you are an “older” sister you can’t possibly understand.
You are right, but only to a certain age, then you feel that your single years were great and it’s time to move on.
No one is 19, or 22 and says, boy I gotta get married I”m so lonely and depressed.
About younger sisters going first; an older sister went out with a boy but realized that although he was not right for her, he was perfect for her younger sister and passed him along to her. Two months after the younger sister married the boy, the older sister married someone that she started dating while the younger sister was engaged. I realize that this is rare and many older sisters marry off several younger sisters while remaining single themselves, but in this case, she put her sister first and her basherte came right away. Of course the older sister must… Read more »
No darling-I am not young at all.(#40)In fact I got married quite late and was also very anxious etc so if anyone has been there and done that,you are looking at her.I am looking back at the time I wasted “worrying” and fretting over this profound life issue.Little did I know that singlehood had many positives to it but I had also bought into the state of despair until the right man and the wedding etc.Yes,it is anxiety provoking and no one is minimizing this!I certainly did not but I also realize how nice it was to be single and… Read more »
You sound like you either are very young or got married young. You wouldn’t talk like that if you went through the pain many of us go through on a daily basis. To be honest, I have been blessed B”H with a wonderful life, Hashem has blessed me with many INCREDIBLE experiences, and I thank Him for it every day. I truly believe that one day (hopefully soon) I will look back and say “B”H I used every moment of my ‘singlehood’ to the best and ‘lived it up’ in the spiritual sense!” But it does come to a point… Read more »
There are lots of people whose basherte came after they did something ruchniusdik. There are many people who could tell such stories of how it came as a result of a mitzvah that they did. How do you know that it will not help someone if it has already helped many people? Sometimes people could be looking in the wrong places or the wrong way. Shimson Stock OBM used to tell older single women to look outside of Lubavitch. Some people might do better at a single’s gathering or online. Some of the older singles that I know personally have… Read more »
Kudos to no.45!:(
I, too, have done every single seugulah thar you could possibly think of. . . I took on Shiurim, say dozens of kapitalach tehillim, my family, siblings, have said Shir Hashirim FOUR times in total, Shabbos Mevarchim tehillim has been said, time n time again . . we’ve given tzedaka everywhere possible, give 18 coins every day. . should I carry on???
So, yes. . please DO stop it;
Been there, done that. . .
could you please stop it? I dress 100% tzniusdig, have a gemach of things related to chassunahs, have helped in arranging shidduchim, say tons of kapitelach thilim daily etc. I’m 32 and as single as ever. I have a positive attitude and am loved by a lot of people. and yet….I haven’t found him. this afternoon a friend told me that someone had asked her about me, she has a good boy for me, but…the lady thought I’m 24. never mind, just go on living and try to forget about your pain as much as you can.
To #42
To be perfectly honest that’s a very tough question. I do believe however that 22 is an appropriate age, it’s still considered young to date, but at the same time leaves enough time for you to be comfortable knowing that you at least tried to consider your sister’s feelings.
I’ve been on one date. One measly date. it wasn’t that bad and I thought okay…we’ll see. Unless a date is a complete disaster, aren’t you supposed to go out a second time???!!!! Well I guess not because the spoiled boy (he doesn’t deserve to be called a man) I went out with wasn’t interested. Before the date, I was excited. My mother spent a lot of time researching this boy and I had to juggle college, work and the stress of “plunging” into the scary waters of the dating world and now I totally completely empathize with the author.… Read more »
As a younger sister who believes in waiting, i was just wondering what you feel is an appropriate age for a younger sister to start thinking of dating?
WOW!! AWSOME PIECE OF WORK!! AUTHOR….. I LOVE U AND AM SO PROUD!!!! LOOK HOW MANY PPLE U;VE INSPIRED?? MAY YOU CARRY ON DOING SO!!!!
N.W
I do understand that the ultimate goal is to get married and it is the Jewish way etc etc. However, no one wants to listen to the entire tape. I think everyone should cherish and enjoy all aspects of their lives which means while single too. There is work, friends, family, holidays, shiurim and tons of things that bring joy and happiness. Unfortunately girls were raised that only when they are married is there a sense of joy and fulfillment and i do not accept this. Yes of course girls Gd willing have a family and all the trimmings. Do… Read more »
Tracht gut vet zein gut! Think good and it will be good! By having fears and dounts we create a situation where it may not happen but if we trully trust it will happen- no doubts, Hashem will send it, no doubts!! Its a much happier place to be in then going to sleep crying… and yes this is coming from an older single girl!
To number 33. .
How sad that in the midst of all this, you should have the audacity, insensitivity, pride and over- confidence to pen such words with such Gaava!!!!!
Its boys like you, who definitely DON’T help the current tragic situation in the shidduch world;
Climb down from your high horse, get a life. . and become a MAN!!!!!!!!!!!
Disgusted!
So much pain. . . just no words. . . I read all your comments with tears running down my face. . .
Hashem, all I can say, to all these heartrenching comments, is , ITS ENOUGH, ad mosai;
Look down and see what your children are going through and let this be the day when we move only forward from now on . . and all those tears should be wiped dry.
To #26 I too am in the same situation with a younger sister wanting to date. If your as good at hiding your feelings as I am then your younger sisters probably have no idea how hard it is for you and how much pain it causes you. It isn’t your fault that your still single, so u probably wonder as I do, “why would g-d punish me like this”. I can’t even begin to imagine the embarrassment and humiliation I would feel if my younger sister got married before me. But as you said, what can you do, you… Read more »
A LITTLE FAITH?
if not faith we would give up a long time ago but the fact is not every girl will get what they want somtimes you have to take whats available
Words couldn’t have described it better then you have my darling!
I am touched and blown away by your depth of understanding and sensitivity to my situation.
Love you SO much! xx
Listen,
I am 24 year old guy.. I havent really put any effort into dating… I understand all the worries and concerns, but frankly the females I have dated were very uncertain what they really wanted..
To quote the chasidic line “the horse must want to drink”
Figure out what you really want in life first.. this isnt all inclusive.. its merely my experience.. the last 5 shiduch offers I got, I turned down before I even got to know the girls name or age..
As a mother of that dreaded name ”Older single”. can I first start by thanking you for your efforts. . Im sure you try your best; Having said that, though, I want to take you up on your very own words. . “its NOT ENOUGH just to throw in names (at random, may I add) or profiles, , and then just ‘let it go at that. . . which is what is happening to most of us . . most times the profiles give over very little, most times , the boys side have’nt even been approached, to see ,… Read more »
I think the article is well written and expresses a lot of pain, but I remember when I was in seminary the pricipal came into class the first day to tell us, make sure not to share anything negative c’v with your friends after a date that didnt work for you as he may not be your bashert but he may be your good friends bashert. You don’t want to be in the way or cause your friend to not want to go out with her bashert because of something you said that may be damaging. Also, I believe facebook… Read more »
1) tznius b’hiddur 2) find a mashpiah and Rav & follow their advice [don’t take advice from everyone] 3) shmiras haloshon, learn the halachos and live by them (a fact of basic Yiddishkiet) 4) hiskashrus – immerse yourself in your shlichus, learn the Sichos & ma’amarim, & write to the Rebbe or go to the Ohel regularly 5) learn inyanei gueula u’moshiach DAILY 6) know that kinah, jealousy, is forbidden by the Torah. it points to a lack of faith in Hashem. {al histakel al acharim klal. [zeh keli v’anviehu – ve’anveihu – ani v’hu : ani vahu hoshiah na… Read more »
Well written. I feel your pain, since I too am in the same boat . It is so hard. The lonely feeling, the yearning to have a partner, looking at some of my friends with a family of even up to 6 kids…. I feel a generation behind. I too want to have a family, build a home, be there for someone and have someone by my side. No question, it’s a challenge I would never have dreamed of. Many times I have to tell myself, “just take it day by day”, but true, the days seem endless, and I… Read more »
The boys need a lot of time to become men these days, what can you do? It is obvious that something more is expected out of girls in their 20’s+ and it’s not enough to sit around and wait for Mr. Right. Hashem has it all figured out, we just need to make the most of our time! Have some faith…
As the author, I know it came across from my writing that I was that older single girl. I mentioned earlier that I am young and basing it on experiences of those around me. Well let me tell you now that I am on the other side of the fence- I am the younger sister who will soon have to choose whether to start dating or wait for her older sister… let me tell you I hope Hashem helps quickly enough for me to never have to make that choice, because getting married before my sister would be an indescribable… Read more »
I too like so many others feel your pain 🙁
This is something i find myself worrying about every day, not an hour goes by that it’s not on my mind, the “what if” and “it doesn’t happen for everyone”. What does one do when 2 younger sister’s ask permission to date, you don’t want to be mean and selfish and say no because of course their happiness is important to you, but at the same time where does that leave me?
you voyced what we all feel ANYBODY there?
“but so many ppl are getting so tired of treading water that they are starting to drown.
Yes, every stage has its problems, but this stage is such a lonely one you need a partner, that makes it even harder!
dont freak out!! everyone has their own struggles and sometimes a person goes on one date and finds their bashert! its all up to the One above! 🙂
You are in high school enjoy it, think about a good seminary that will be a fit for you. You are growing up fast ,don’t freak out. You will get there IY”H in the right time with betochen in hashem.
Hatzlocho rabba in your studies.
im in high school, you’re freaking me out!!!!!!!
THIS ARTICLE WAS SO WELL ARTICULATED, A TRUE MASTERPIECE. while you are single use your talent and expound on it! im so so proud of you and I love you so much! your the bestest friend!!!!! xox
sk
This article is amazing. I have never seen such a well written article on a Frum Website. It really makes me feel part of what you are experiencing.
So well written. As a mother it is very painful to see a child go through this very difficult and humblling time. Although I am trying really hard, we are having a rough time and time is not standing still. People ‘s good wishes intended to encourage us can be patroniziing and hurtful. Better to say a silent prayer for your friends. It is hard to see the light at the end of this tunnel. For those of us who have a few children to marry off, each day adds stress. What do we do ?T he next daughter is… Read more »
When the Chicago shidduch began their networking 4 years ago, they tried various approaches and now they see what really brings results. It is not enough to just throw out names, forward profiles, or even date. They have found that both the single person themselves and the parents must make themselves a “keilei” for the brocha by undertaking various ruchniusdiche zachen. Many of them go out of their way to help others find shidduchim or to help a chosson and kallah make a chassunah. There are endless ways to help with chassunahs. They might also undertake more Torah learning or… Read more »
After reading many shidduchim articles and comments on col, this is the first that I feel is real. It is so hard being in the swimming pool, trying to reach the wall and whatever you do, you just cant get there. SOmetimes you even feel like a big wave comes and sends you 10 yards back. I totally relate to the wanting to talk about and be involved in other stuff. I think a part of it is that our chabad society has made it the norm to get married after seminary and so girls feel like their mission and… Read more »
this was beautifully written. You are a very articulate and expressive young lady. May you never reach the position that this article is true for you, rather you should be blessed to build your own bayis ne’eman b’yisroel very quickly. The sensitivity to the situation was very eloquently expressed. May all those in need of a yeshua be helped right away!!
Did you pick up the phone and call eligible singles try to fix a shiduch?
Yes is in hashem’s hand but he wants us to act for each other
unbelievable article. You should take up writing!
I just finished reading the full version, and can I just say that not only is it something only the older singles should read and pay attention to, but EVERY SINGLE one of us out there,should. Its an eye opener, and really gets you thinking. . ALL of us have a chiyuv, to DO SOMETHING. The article represents so many of us, unfortunately. . . if even one positive result comes out from it, the author can feel accomplished and proud of herself
Ad Mosai
interesting to hear that girls are having a hard time too – even if they express it differently
a 770 bochur
Two thumbs up for such a well-written piece, which actually speaks honestly for many of us. Not false hope, not blaming, just the honesty of the hurt and confusion that naturally can make you want to SCREAM. THANK YOU for voicing your thoughts- they are shared by many.
Its a MUST!! Everyone MUST read the full version!!
What an amazing outstanding piece of work. . . words fail me. . .
Much ‘endless’ Hatzlocha, may Hashem hear and fulfill your dreams now
I feel your pain!! Im a mother and i wish i can give you a hug and tell you I”h everything will be ok . I agree with #1 everyone has their own unique path that they need to travel . May Hashem help that you will find your Bashert
Beheref Ayin!
Wow that was pretty powerful! I know exactly how you feel- I too wonder when we will finally ‘hit the finish line’:) Something that keeps me going, is I constantly remind myself (and this applies to having children and to many other things) that in life, we are not always in the drivers seat. I feel it very much now that I am going through the shidduch parsha- G-d is driving the car (as HE always is) and we are in the passenger seat. He knows where He is going! So, I guess do everything you can- make a keili… Read more »
Can I please give you a huge hug ~ surround yourself with positive people and positive things. This wont feel so bad.
Please read the full version to understand the article proplerery. It was too long to publish in full and the first half of the article is sorely lacking the complete effect…
write an article when you get to the end?
I dont think that the writer meant ”race” as in who can get there ‘first.’ . from what I understood from this, extremely well written and well expressed piece, is that, the swimmer felt that as much as she tried to swim towards the ‘end of the pool’, with all the determination in the world, shes just ‘not getting there’, unlike, it would seem, all the others that were in the same pool as her at the same ‘race’, and managed to get there in the end. . and she and so many countless others were still only, either ‘… Read more »
… In every stage of life there will always be ‘something’; a stress, another ‘destination’ to reach.. try to focus on your goal without your life being overcome by it in the process – be grateful for the time you have to mature into the person you want to be for your husband-to-be and kids iy’h. LIVE your life, LOVE your life and do whatever you feel ENRICHES it!! Yes, there are easier and more difficult moments, no doubt … without denying yourself the ever so real feelings of frustration, loneliness, and pain – keep your positivity in your back… Read more »
i totally understand, i went through this for many years before i got engaged…. i thought there was no end in sight. but , believe me, it does at some point come to an end. i had all but given up, and then out of no where, he popped up. and i did not get engaged young,(29)
don’t beat yourself up about it. just be patient and try not to look and compare yourself to all your other friends.
there comes a time for everyone. yours will be here soon.I”YH
keep smiling!!
omg…that gave me the chills. All i can do is give you, and all the many others in this “race”-(although i dont kow why you call it that, cuz i dont think this is a race, i think everyone has their own path in life, not racing or competing with anyone else in this matter), that iYH WE should all find our right match, very soon, and it should be clear as day light, and smooth. Amen Kein Yehi Ratzon! thank you for sharing your feelings, and i’m sure you have put down on papers the feelings of many others… Read more »