Sep 29, 2009
What Kallahs Want

Shidduchim SOS: While you bake Challah in that Bosch, chop salad on that cutting board with matching knives, and serve your husband roasted potatoes, you forget who helped set up the apartment.

By anonymous

"Is it really only $600? What could you get with that?! I'm telling you, you guys really should collect at least $1,000."

I just hung up the phone. Her words are banging in my head. My friend is engaged and her sister had that to say to me, with an obvious tone of disappointment.

Well, my dear friend: Yes, we are really happy, excited, and totally overjoyed that you are engaged to the most remarkable, handsome, talented bochur on the planet.

Yes, we really stayed from the beginning to end of your L'Chaim, and texted everyone you might know to come wish you Mazel Tov so you future mother-in-law can see how popular you are.

We had work the next morning, bright and early, but we managed to manage on 4 hours of sleep. After all, our dearest friend's L'Chaim happens only once.

Yes, we really want to see you settle in your first apartment, about to begin the new role as wife. We really do.

But, please tell me how you can unabashedly expect a bountiful of wedding gifts from your single friends?

Why do Kallahs and their female family members feel they can expect friends to fundraise and buy nearly everything, from spatula to Bosch, shower hooks to laundry basket, iron table to wine glasses?

You realize that most of the work of arranging the shower falls on your single friends since married ones are always busy?

Yes, it is a major Mitzvah and we know that you are "like so happy" and thank us "so so much."

Now, fast forward to after "the most amazing wedding." Months go by and an occasional "Hi, wazzup?" is what we get while your husband is in Kollel and you are bored.

I know you must be very busy cooking and spending delightful time as a newlywed, and you deserve your space and privacy.

But we here are still single.

Our parents are drained from running after Shaddchanim. We are drained from unsuccessful dating. The only reason you (admittedly) listen to our dating stories is 'cuz they're entertaining and you could dispense advice "as a maven."

And while you bake Challah in that Bosch, chop your salads on that cutting board with matching knives, and serve your husband roasted potatoes in that beautiful dish, you forget we're still single and searching.

We didn't owe you that wedding shower (funded by single girls working hard who have wedding expenses coming up). We did it as a gift because you are our dear friend.

The least you can do is to make yourself available when you get a reference call about us. After all, think how many we probably got about you.

And if you want to show appreciation to the people who kindly helped set up your apartment, thing about us and brainstorm some names over dinner with your husband, pick up the phone and call the parents or a Shadchan.

I do not mean to sound jaded and hopeless. I just wish to raise awareness and maybe, just maybe, help one more single girl and single boy be matched up and head under the Chuppah.

A toast to many more L'Chaims, weddings and wedding showers too.

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Opinions and Comments
I'm sorry....
You sound a highly selfish person who can only think about herself, like so many of my single friends....

What do you think will happen when you will be engaged IY"H? who will buy presents and come to the lchaim if not us - you married and single friends...

Thats how the world works.. its a cycle and your turn will come IY"H...
(9/30/2009 11:35:37 PM)
what makes u think married girls don't care enough to sit and listen to your dating horror stories? or that we don't sit and discuss guy/girl names with our husbands? i'm not sure i get this much as i became busy with my married life, my single friends stayed away just the same-feeling out of place and unimportant...i'm sorry you're going through all this and it seems like it's taking so long for girls and guys to get comes eventually and i just think awareness is good, but bitterness..overrated!
(9/30/2009 11:51:24 PM)
I couldnt agree more, thsi article actually made me laugh at first b/c of how accurate the write is! Just so the author knows......not all 'kallahs' are that bad, I'm not, i did, was and am still in touch with all my single friends and have set them up numerious of times! I never had not one single matching set of anything in my house, i was grateful for what I had!I set up my lchaim, i baked for it, why people make friends do it-ill never understand! im sorry u have been hurt by obviously someone close to you, but not all girls are so one track minded and selfish.
wishing you hatzlacha.
(10/1/2009 12:08:23 AM)
to the married ppl who commented
you forget that at the moment you are the lucky ones... having already found your bashert and not 'waiting'.... I can't believe you've got the nerve of feeling 'offended' by this article, instead of secretly davening to hashem and saying thankyou for all he's done for you !
(10/1/2009 12:42:10 AM)
wow this is are 100% right!!! my husband and i do compare friends all the time but it is hard as anything...(we are married 6 months no matches yet and we disscuss this daily) but yes i have many friends that are married and do not disscuss with there husbands i think its wrong becouse i was set up by a friend and her man(i am so thankful) anyways i am always spending time with my single friends still and so is my husband with his friends and i think its so important to show them we still care and love them (and looking for them)
thank G-d we have a great relationship my hubby and i
(10/1/2009 1:06:08 AM)
very nice indeed
The big Problem is some of us never get that far ! The singles themselves may be partly to blame but in my opinion it is at least 70% The Shadchanim who are too lazy or use any excuse including who your landlord/lady might be if you're divorced (even without children) & you're not "shpitz chabad" or even regular chabad you are persona non grata.25% I attribute to the parents who mix in way too much where their noses etc. are un needed.(by the way according to Leibel Groner sheyichye The Rebbe said parents should not pressure & mix in to their childrens Shidduchim! Shadchanim have to get their crazy ideas & excuses out of their heads & get up off their lazy keisters make as many phone calls send emails as necessary to successfully make shidduchim & be reasonable, flexible in your pricing for successful shidduchim.If you can't or won't then get out of the business! you are not doing us any favors!!!!
(10/1/2009 1:22:35 AM)
u chazar
i see ur point..
(10/1/2009 1:27:50 AM)
where have we come to???
youve got the wrong friends if they expect YOU to set them up. i believe that's a mothers job
(10/1/2009 7:15:23 AM)
to #6 and anyone else
Who are those shadchanim that have price tags attached to help? names and prices? Its like recommending a dress shop!
I think this should be posted so people can know who the official local shadchanim are.
I only get to hear of some names of shadchanim through the grape vine....and each one says 'I am not an official shadchan' !
(10/1/2009 7:36:31 AM)
fact is the younger you get married the more friends and more gifts from friends you will have at your wedding and the more exciting it will be for you and your friends after a while the married ones dont care to show up (or for the boys cant travel) and they already had their time of dancing at their own wedding, so if they do show up its for 5 minutes to show their face and then go back home!!
(10/1/2009 8:05:05 AM)
She's right! In general that's how it is, there are a few exceptions where married friends are still normal after they get married! I hope they take a lesson from this article and start asking their husbands for names for their single friends and same for the husband. Who knows them better than the friends themselves!!
(10/1/2009 8:09:48 AM)
Another Side- from someone married
To the author,

I'm quite sorry . I B"h got married a couple of years ago and am blessed with amazing friends who were there for me through and through and threw me the best shower anyone could ask for.

If it's any consolation, there are many newly married girls who very much appreciate their single friends and are working hard at trying to find them shidduchim. If not in the physical sense (by calling Shadachnim ), then in the spiritual sense.

I hope that this year you will find your shidduch and your friends will be able to put in the effort that you did for them.
(10/1/2009 9:00:57 AM)
i hear what you're saying... and it sounds like "boo hoo, boo hoo"
(10/1/2009 9:02:33 AM)
To #10
Sooooo True!!!
(10/1/2009 9:04:24 AM)
to comment number 2

obviously you'll say the bitterness is overrated....are you going through it? NO so how do you know how much bitterness is involved?!! Try to take a step out of your comfortable and happy life and think of others and what they are probably going through....
(10/1/2009 9:15:24 AM)
and when ur married??
when u get married i would love to see you spend ur time talking to nebach, single friends instead of spending quality time with ur husband!
(10/1/2009 9:27:50 AM)
To # 16 nebach single girls - first of all u were once a nebach urself if that's what u think single is- secondly your husband wants to spend time with u - u were once nebach - thirdly single girls r not nebach they have more than u think ....
(10/1/2009 10:06:16 AM)
funny good stuff here good stuff
(10/1/2009 10:22:07 AM)
y get married anyhow, its completely overrated
(10/1/2009 10:23:14 AM)
another twist
Heres another point to the the shower making...

I am 25 and single and most of my friends got married at 20. For all those friends I made them beautiful showers, collected money for it, donated plenty of it of them I set up her entire kitchen and bathroom because her parents couldnt...I did this all happily and knowing that when I get married, they will be too busy with married life (and now kids) to pull anything close to the showers i threw.

We are all still in contact despite our busy lives. We talk on the phone, go out, get invited to their simchos (bring gifts and not receive thank you cards)

One thing still boggles my mind. Of all my friends who have gotten married with showers a la moi and co.....only one has had the decency to invite me/other single friends for a meal (dinner/shabbos). I understand not wanting to do that shana reshona, but 5 years later, c'mon!

Bottom line: Am I just lucky to have such friends ;) or are most young couples like that?
(10/1/2009 10:36:06 AM)
So funny and so true. Great read!
(10/1/2009 10:39:22 AM)
so true!!
Thanks for posting! I hope this brings awareness to all married friends and for friends who are expecting a shower- dont expect...just be grateful for all the gifts u get!
(10/1/2009 11:09:06 AM)
Best Shidduch article yet! I think this hit a truth nerve and upset some readers. We all act selfish some times. Dont take offence, acknowledge it and lets better ourselves. Great article.
(10/1/2009 12:15:52 PM)
Blah Blah Blah
This sounds like you wanted to vent so you wrote an article to COL.

What is your point? Is it that single girls shouldn't make showers? That married girls shouldn't be too busy for you? No one decided that these this should happen it's just facts of life.

In real life you don't have tons and tons of real friends you have a small circle of good friends and an even smaller circle of (1-3) true friends who will always be there for you.

What I get from your article is a sense that in our community many live their lives relying on others. The truth is that you create your own destiny. The less you expect from others, the more pleased you will be when someone does pull through and the more likely it is that you will have the results you want.

Ps #25 good point
(10/1/2009 12:23:28 PM)
Thousands agree!
WOW!! I am sure there are thousands of girls that an write this exact article word for word and feel the same!!
(10/1/2009 1:16:52 PM)
get real friends!
Don't give out of obligation and don't expect to get back.
if you are a true friend be happy for them when they get engaged.
I was the last girl on my class to get married, all my friends were t my wedding beacuse they are my friends and care. They made me a beautifull shower and were always in touch with me even after they got married.
what is it you want? you want your friend to tell you every day: i am thinking about you and trying to match you up together with my husband? are you dating now?
(10/1/2009 1:20:34 PM)
this phenomenon of single girls collecting money for each other is new to me. In most places ladies from the community get together and buy gifts for the kalla. its a community party. it doesnt fall on a couple girls and you dont go to peoples houses to pick up the 20 dollars their donating. unfortunately there is no "community" here in crown heights to fill that need and its nice thatfriends step in. kol hakovod. :)
(10/1/2009 1:53:47 PM)
Well said!
(10/1/2009 3:01:37 PM)
It may come as a surprise to some that the word op-ed is in fact an abbreviation for the term: opposite editorial. The phrase was coined in 1970 and they were opinion articles that were usually found next to the newspapers editorial.

Much has transpired since 1970, and those that manage the highly informative Chabad orientated websites have given the Op- Ed a new and important lease on life. The letter ‘O’ followed by a ‘p’ and then a dash and an ‘ed’, is a multi purpose symbol on Chabad websites to symbolize somebody who has something that he wishes to get off the top of his/her head in a public manner.

It may be the biggest crisis in Chabad that we didn’t even know existed; it may be the solution to a crisis that has plagued Jewish life and living for thousands of years. They are all the most precious pearls of wisdom enticing comments from incensed, supportive or outraged readers.

The author who writes such articles has long forgotten what his/her article was about, he is now solely dedicated to checking how many and what kind of comments he/she is receiving. The author smacks his lips with glee at the thrill of others getting their tempers in a twist over his/her words.

Shidduch crises, machloikes riddled residents, nothing that cannot be taken care of by an op-ed.

This by no means is a poke or denigration of those that make valid points, neither is it a finger pointing at those who write what borders on the nonsensical. This is a toast to the two words that symbolize the articles we love reading most.

Long Live the op-ed.
(10/1/2009 4:03:07 PM)
I am a single guy, 26 years old.
I am Just wondering about the married guys who sit in koilel officially learning, (while not on their iphones checking the latest news and sports scores) why can't they think of how to set up their friends for shidduchim, just because boys dont have showers doesnt mean that they cant think of their single friends and who they can set them up with.
Just letting out a lot of frustration, the shadchanim dont care and the married friends are too busy understandably, but why do you forget your friends just because you dont have so much time for them.
I actually have one married friend with whom we learn together and have a chavrusa over the phone which is very nice of him but there arent too many like him, whoever does think about their single friends keep it up and think harder how to help them and whoever hasnt maybe now would be a good time, the beginning of the year, the year of 5770.
Thanks for the op-ed very much appreciated i hope some people will take this seriously and get off their high horses and take that broomstick out!
(10/1/2009 4:15:32 PM)
TODAY- Think of 5 NAMES!!!
Please ask your spouse for 5 names of their close friends and set them up with 5 of your good friends. HELP OUT! It's such a big Mitzvah to set up a new Bayis Biyisrael! A binyan adei Ad! Do it for the zechus. Do it because you care! Just tell your friend or her/his parent the name if you don't want to follow through.
(10/1/2009 4:16:04 PM)
to 24
well said. I didn't yet have time to post a comment, but I was planning on writing a similar comment.
(10/1/2009 4:17:21 PM)
ur desprate
no guy wants a girl who is so desperate to get married all happens at the right time ...have some faith
(10/1/2009 4:30:28 PM)
why is it that we always say cooking is for a girl i would like to cook for my wife
(10/1/2009 6:51:22 PM)
Sorry to hear you look at it with such negativity. Most girls make showers for their friends happily and most kallahs don't expect an abundance of gifts. Many of us actually do brainstorm over dinner when their is a quiet moment and most of us make ourselves readily available as references when shadchanim call us - sometimes even closing the door to a room during dinner time while our kids are calling for us because we DO realize how important it is!!!! Wishing you much luck in finding your beshert soon.
(10/1/2009 6:53:46 PM)
to #35
Do the guys in kollel really sit on their iphones checking the latest news and scores instead of learning? I dont believe it.
(10/1/2009 7:49:57 PM)
Half "joke" Half not
From all my friends who got married i organized all the showers i don't expect any of it back b/c i know i won't have it! This is pointless! shower or no shower. And another thing: you don't have time to help your friends find a shidduch?! who cares?!?! right?!?!But have the decency to respect me!!! Have the decency to think that you've been there, you have been single once! remember?!
Always when i sit with my married friends, all they talk about is married life!!! Pregnancy and babies and husbands and cooking and cleaning...HELLO I'M SITTING RIGHT HERE!!! Can we talk about anything else!?!?!?!?
AND I HATE when they say: one day you'll understand!
Oh they always expect YOU to call them! for what?! to show their husband how your friends love you and miss you?!?!?!
To all the singles: ENJOY SINGLE LIFE b/cause after you get married this is all you're going to become!!! The more i spend time with my married friends the more i thank that i'm single, they make it sound so awful!!!! Go after your single friends you will be happier and if they get married?! Go after other single friends! Till one day you "poor little thing" FINALLY finds someone for you then you can join the club! Oh please!
Thanks for listening to me! now i can go to sleep!!!
(10/1/2009 8:23:08 PM)
from comment #36 to #35
didnt mean to bash #35 i meant to ask 30 is its true that the guys in kollel really sit on their iphones and blackberries instead of learning?
Good yom tov
(10/1/2009 8:24:45 PM)
to duh-#15
as if married life is honey and cake and all sweet all the's hard...there are ups and downs, even when thank G-d a person finds their right just saying- the grass is always greener on the other side. yeh, we all need to do our share, think of a name, or go on dates blah blah but at the end of the day, put a smile on ur face, accept where ur at and move on...married or not! u think ur engaged friend is too demanding, then dont do it! noones holding a knife to ur head to make a bridal shower...people are who they are, engaged or single. if ur friend makes u feel like that when she's engaged, most probably she made u feel like that when she was single, but u didnt care as much. this article is fine..someone needed to vent, i get it, but like seriously...
(10/1/2009 8:39:00 PM)
I recall my grandmother (considered a beautiful woman BTW) A"H telling me that she wanted to marry an ugly man. I said, "But you didn't!" She admitted that her husband had been a handsome man, but he, nevertheless, had the qualities she wanted (which, I am certain, included intelligence) without the negatives sometimes to be found in people conscious of good looks.

I brought this up in my comment to Mother in Israel's post with regard to Bad4Shidduchim, which you can see here.
She shidduch requirements read as follows:

•Facial Structure
•Body Build
•Social Grace

If you pay attention to that list, you would notice that no less than 3 are devoted to superficial physical characteristics. 2 are highly questionable: Is it really good for a Ben Torah to consider himself worldly or to carry himself with bravado? I don’t know what is meant by attitude in this context. Politeness, I would consider a subcategory of social graces. Cleanliness, I take as a given and wouldn’t deign to mention it.
(10/1/2009 8:41:31 PM)
wow! boys and girls are so difrent! the only thing that would get under my skin is if my buddy got 2 tickets to a big playoff game and he takes his wife over me!
(10/1/2009 8:44:39 PM)
I am so sorry you didn't choose good friends!
Thank G-d I am blessed, I am still in contact with my good true friends. Married as well. They call me, listen to me, think of people for me...

Remember - whatever station you find yourself in life, you will be waiting. There is always another stop, something else to look forward to. There will always be something you are waiting for. It can be hard and devastatingly painful. However, you can utilize this time, and enjoy it.

Oh, and by the way, this isn't coming from a married, or newly entering the shidduch scene. I have been there, and done All that. Yes, I await the time I will meet "the one" but in the meanwhile I am enjoying life. You should try it!
(10/2/2009 1:41:20 AM)
to #30 we need your resume
lets get cracking
im always trying to set up my single friends i may just have a girl 4 u!
(10/2/2009 9:12:07 AM)
to # 25
you must no be married because if you were you would know that girls dont become selfish after they are married ... they prioritize !!!!! When you are single your friends are a priority when you get married that priority shifts to your husband. if you are a newly wed and are spending more time with friends than with your new found life partner... YOU HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM AND NEED MARRIAGE COUNSELING! you will see when you get married iyh that you will be acting just like them because those married girls were not trying to be mean... they were being normal. you will be the same
(10/2/2009 9:18:04 AM)
to #43
you can email me and i will send u my resume, my email address is
(10/2/2009 11:48:10 AM)
You are so right.

Just one thing to consider, often your friends do try and it doesn't get too far, but they really did try.

But because you don't hear about it, then you think your married friends don't care and don't try.

So married friends, even when unsuccessful should let you know that they did try something and won't give up.

But for the main part you are right, your married friends don't care that much and are so so so busy now.

You are not bitter, just being realistic.

Best of luck, from a guy.
(10/3/2009 6:05:46 PM)
to all commentator. go writer!
to all commentators who are clearly too obtuse when it comes to reading comprehension:
1. this writer does not sound bitter
2. nor does she sound selfish, she clearly writes she is happy for her friend
3. who said she isn't enjoying life?!
4. she's making an extrememly valid suggesting instead of whining about "the shidduch crisis." so many out there just sigh and say "poor girls/boys." someone here has there head straight.
it's amazing/terrifying to see to what extremems ppl will go to to vindicate themselves and bash innocent others.
an amazed dude.
(10/4/2009 7:43:27 PM)
I am an older single guy
I am Just wondering about the married guys who sit in koilel officially learning, (while on their iphones checking the latest news and sports scores) why can't they think of how to set up their friends for shidduchim???
Just because boys dont have showers doesnt mean that they cant think of their single friends and who they can set them up with.
Just letting out a lot of frustration, the shadchanim dont care and the married friends are too busy understandably, but why do you forget your friends just because you dont have so much time for them?
I actually have one married friend with whom we learn together and have a chavrusa over the phone which is very nice of him but there arent too many like him, whoever does think about their single friends keep it up and think harder how to help them and whoever hasnt maybe now would be a good time, the beginning of the year, the year of 5770.
Thanks for the op-ed very much appreciated i hope some people will take this seriously and get off their high horses and take that broomstick out!
(10/4/2009 8:52:54 PM)
to be married or single?
i can sympathise with this author, in the town that i live there are very few lubavitch girls my age, so when my best friend got engaged i went straight into it with all my heart helping her get evrything from shopping for her engagement to helping he rbuy her chossen shirts and ties!! not only did i do that but i planned, prepared and paid for all the chassuna shticks and her shower party (the other single friends in town werent too bothered with it and i didnt want ur wedding to look diff then any one elses) after doing all that and sorting her out with a little gift from the girls i attended her wedding and danced the night even helping her at the wedding giving her water a chair changing her shoes for her getting every one to her that she wanted to dance with. Im not complaining abt that she deff thanked me enough, she bought be a little present but the card that she wrote was the most beautiful of all!! not only that her mother gave me a nice some of money, so whats the point of this here? it was after her wedding i knw she needed some space. we did go out (me and her and her husband) a coup-le of weeks later then wen she told me she was moving into her mums for succot (she lives abt an hour away from me) i thought ok brill so ill be able to see her over yom tov but no i was quite insulted wen she sent me an sms message sorry im very busy over yom tov wont be able to see not am sorri will be very buys and so ill just be able to see u in shull but cant see u at all. some times married ppl should be more sensitive to there unmarried friends yes i knw u need u need ur space but please dont forget the ppl that were there for u every time u needed help even when we were away together and u fell ill not only did i take u to the doctor but i slept on ur bedroom floor so u could wake me up in the night when u needed something. i was and still am very hurt
(10/5/2009 9:42:08 AM)
'I am not an official shadchan'
Says who!!!?
Anyone can be a shadchan if they really try hard, and care enough!
And if we are to emulate the Abishters ways, well then this is the first middah we should start with.
After all if He who is busy running the worlds can make the time, then so can we . Take 15 minutes of your computer time or etc.. and work on a shidduch possibility for someone who is having a really hard time.
You'll never know what your interest and kindness will mean to someone who is not gettiing any calls back from the official shadchanim who are giving them the run around!
Remember what the Rebbe said "ACTS OF KINDNESS"......
(10/5/2009 9:37:36 PM)
what'll happen when you get married?
never judge someone until you are in their place....
(10/6/2009 2:32:10 PM)
now someones getting the point!
whats tachlis here???
#43 to #30!!! NIICE GOING!
now this is the lesson to be learned from OP-EDs!
just make shidduchim! amen :-)
(11/25/2009 2:31:34 PM)
so true!!!!
(2/10/2011 11:35:29 PM)
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