Sep 3, 2009
We All Know Someone

Op-Ed: With all these nice and dandy articles, we still have a 'Shidduch Crisis.' Therefore, I would like to present to you a simple solution, one that you might have heard of countless times...

Today you can find scattered across all major Jewish newspapers and websites the famous phrase "Shidduch Crisis."

Some speak about how this crisis is all the Shadchanim's fault: they take forever to get back to someone and they are only in it for the money.

Some discuss how it's all the girls' fault: if girls would just take better care of themselves (lose weight and wear a size 2, dress well etc.) then there would be more matches.

Others speak about the fact that bochurim are just too picky, can't make up their mind or can't commit.

And some even go further and blame G-d, by saying that there are more girls in the world than boys so the shidduch crisis is unavoidable.

But with all these nice and dandy articles, we still have a 'Shidduch Crisis.'

Therefore, I would like to present to you a simple solution, one that you might have heard of countless times. Nevertheless, one very much worth mentioning again.

What is it, you ask?

For starters you'll need a caring heart and 5 minutes a day.

If you fit the criteria then read on.

After you log off COLlive, sit down with your husband/wife/sister/brother or cousin/friend and name single girls and boys you both know - and let the matches begin.

If you are single, match up your friends with people you went out with. If you are newlywed, then sit down with your new spouse and match up your friends, and if you are a parent and a name that comes your way doesn't fit - pass it on.

Imagine how many shidduchim would happen if we would all do this? After all, everybody knows someone who knows someone.

- A single 20-something-year-old shadchan

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Opinions and Comments
Laaniyas Dayti
So simple. Too good to be true.
Anyway it is a hashkafa crisis not a shidduch crisis.
And G-d cannot be th fault. Rabbenu Gershom - maybe.
The emotivity on display a few days ago about a kallah and makeup - just another view on the hashkafa crisis. Hardly anyone could accept that there may be girls who are confident enough in their natural looks. Almost everyone felt that a kallah needs not-even-skin-deep enhancements. For herself. Or - Maybe for...
A girl who needs makeup tp look good may also need x number of clothes in y styles. Oh, and polished wooden floors, carpet won't do. So go find a shidduch for such complex expectation in life.

It's the Hashkafa, Stupid.
(9/3/2009 7:34:23 PM)
Oh yes!!
I have made a Shidduch with someone I dated and a friend, wedding is happening some time soon!
Its a great feeling!
(9/3/2009 7:40:19 PM)
If only life were that simple
(9/3/2009 7:41:42 PM)
Mother of Boys
I agree that everyone needs to try and suggest shidduchim but there is more to it than that. Singles are often their own worst enemies. Everything that they do goes on facebook and if they are dating someone they are not discreet, therefore inviting everyone's ridicule of who they are dating. The dating scene itself has become more boyfriend-girlfriend than shidduch dating. Most singles don't have a mashpia and wait until a crisis occurs before looking for one. They often don't know what they really want or what they are looking for. People are maturing later in our circles. The average American does not marry until his mid-twenties and the frum population is not far behind. The escalating divorce rate, as well as the frequency of broken engagements, scares some singles into indecision. Parents often do not know their adult children very well. They have been away in sem or yeshiva or on shlichus and have not always kept the lines of communication open. Where most people chose shlichus 10 years ago, that is changing and more choices means more decisions. So I guess that I would also have to agree with poster #1 about hashkafa.
(9/3/2009 8:03:35 PM)
To #4
Beautifully written
Perfectly true
(9/3/2009 8:37:13 PM)
good intentions are not enough! Hamaase hu ha'ikar!
The problem is all the girls are enthusiastic about finding shidduchim for their friends at the time of their engagement and their promises don't end about matching up their friends to their chosson's friends. Sadly, right after the weddings, all the promises are forgotten. Very few are truly committed and caring enough to give up a little time to match up friends.
(9/3/2009 9:22:28 PM)
hashkafa of the parents as well!
(9/3/2009 9:43:18 PM)
Why don't people check their facts
Do a quick Google search on the words "sex ratio" to find out what the ratio is between boys and girls. besides for a few African war torn countries, every country listed has more boys than girls.

Check it out on wiki at
(9/3/2009 9:47:14 PM)
Let the blame game begin all over again :)
(9/3/2009 10:03:30 PM)
Life Coach for singles
The crisis is the term "Shidduch Crisis" in every newspaper and website. What the author said is caring and may work for many people. HOWEVER, the fact has to be acknowledged that something has to change. All the well-meaning writers rehash the old ideas and suggestions with every good intention but not obviously not meeting with great success. Or boys blame girls and vice versa. Parents, shadchanim... It's not about blame. it's about a reality, to which no solution can be explored until the problem is identified.
(9/3/2009 10:03:42 PM)
to mothers of boys:
the crisis is happening becasue you are not letting your boys go out with our girls! i know too many mothers who "decided" for their sons that "its not a match." they decided!
when a certain name has come to the girl, 13 times, yes the same name THIRTEEN TIMES from 13 different people, WHY is the mother of the boy still saying NO!?!?!?!?

shall I name the motherswho will not let their son go out with a perfectly respectible suggestion? i can if you want.
(9/3/2009 10:26:15 PM)
To #1
Disagree with you, primarily on one point "Too good to be true." How did it work in times not too fargone? And who knows the girls and bochrim better - the shadchanim who barely know them or the brothers and sisters/husbands and wives who are their friends? It's worked many times and I agree with the poster that if people just took an extra few minutes, or took such ideas seriously, we'd have more shidduchim. That doesn't solve either the Shidduch Crisis or Hashkafa Crisis, but it sure does help.
(9/3/2009 10:30:41 PM)
Anecdotal evidence does not necessarily constitute fact.
Please let's keep that in mind.

#11 obviosly someone close to you was turned down (sounds like your daughter) that is one story. How many girls turn down boys for no good reason? I was turned down by a girl a few years ago and I still don't know why, so there you go. You know what, I'm now happily married B"H.

Listen a Bas Kol goes out before you are born that says Bas Ploni Liploni, it's all set out for you, you just need to find it.
(9/3/2009 10:42:10 PM)
ive been doing this for a while its very simple and b"h mendy from montgomery street is happy whith chaya from carrol street.
(9/3/2009 10:56:11 PM)
so suggest some good chassidish boys?
(9/3/2009 11:24:34 PM)
Laaniyas Dayti
#13 [and #8] "Bas Ployni to..." That was before Rabbenu Gershom and there were often more than 1 or even 2 Bas ploynis. [Death at childbirth covered the statistical imbalance for centuries...An extremely high proportion of men remarried...]

#12 If there is a Hashkafa Crisis (it's no "IF" - there is, not only in our circles) then all the friends and the king's men cannot put this "humpty-dumpty" together.. It's too simplistic to say that no-one is making the appropriate suggestions - so let's fix that. The wheels are stuck in the mud - expecting a bypasser to give directions (or by using a GPS thingo) doesn't fix that.

#11. You don't want your daughter to have this lady as a shviger. Be happy and make a brocho SheOsso Li Ness.

#10. Good news. The problem is hereby officially identified for you. It's the Hashkafa. The bad news is that someone who doesn't see that point (as you imply on yourself - no insult intended here, just a brief "wake-up" call) is self-identifying themselves with the malady.

#7 Yes. The Hashkafa crisis is in the parents behavior also. How do you expect intelligent kids to be blind to the hypocrisy that is so much part of what is the "official" Lubavitcheh Hashkafa (spun by the over-fed mashpiyim in the yeshivos, and the "over-dressed" (or primmed) mashpiyos in the girls schools. Pardon me, but they are primarily "protectors of their own turf" and power. Those with a creative spirit, who do not toe an ideological absolutism that engulfs Chabad today - well they have all checked out or withdrawn into cocoons. Why be shouted down and scorned by drunken peasants with an ideological (and/or political) agenda?

#6. "very few are caring enough..." It is difficult to beli#13 [and #8] "Bas Ployni to..." That was before Rabbenu Gershom and there were often more than 1 or even 2 Bas ployis. [Death at childbirth covered the statistical imbalance for centuries...An extremely high proportion of men remarried...]

#12 If there is a Hashkafa Crisis (it's no "IF" - there is, not only in our circles) then all the friends and the king's men cannot put this "humpty-dumpty" together.. It's too simplistic to say that no-one is making the appropriate suggestions - so let's fix that.

#11. You don;'t want your daughter to have this lady as a shviger.

#10. The problem is hereby officially identified. It's the Hashkafa. The bad new is that someone who doesn't see that (as you imply on yourself - no insult intended here, just a brief "wake-up" call) is self-identifying themselves with the malady.

#7 Yes. The Hashkafa crisis is in the parents backyard also. How do you expect intelligent kids to be blind to the hypocrisy that is so much part of what is the "official" Lubavitcheh Hashkafa (spun by the over-fed mashpiyim in the yeshivos, and the "over-dressed" (or primmed) mashpiyos in the girls schools. Pardon me, but they are primarily protectors of their own turf and power. Those with a creative spirit, who do not toe an ideological absolutism that engulf Chabad today - well they have all checked out or withdrawn into cocoons. Why be shouted down and scorned by drunken peasants with an ideological agenda.

#6. "very few are caring enough..." It is difficult to beleive this to be true. Perhaps you should consider that this is part of the Hashkafa crisis: Marriage is not a means to an end (bayis beYisroel); It is a destination once reached, that strokes the ego of a megushamdike life (sweet as a honey-moon. Feh.) This self absorption, even with "getting together" with other couples (most often in itself a highly hefkerdike hanhaga, which can/has led to marriage problems) creates a cocoon of a geshmakeh leben in the peltz that used to be reserved for the introverted tzaddilk.

#4. Well said but could you please stop talking about "dating". Where the in the world does that word come from. The Tur, The Beis Yosef, Rashi, Rabbenu Tam? It is goyish and implies goyish and leave it for Flatbush. We need to eradicate that word from the "Shidduch Scene." You "meet" NOT you "date"! The Rebbe always stressed "Shmoh Milsa" - a name has significance.
(9/3/2009 11:42:01 PM)
There's no reason to call someone stupid ,
at least this person is doing something and means well,
(9/3/2009 11:51:47 PM)
done it
The writer is spot on. Most parents will listen to someone who knows both the girl and the boy and can present a good enough argument as to why this boy should go out with this girl. If you present a potential Shidduch with enthusiasm you will usually get a good response. Most of us are acquainted with at least one bochur and girl that we think well of. The challenge is to find someone for them that we also know and try to put them together. You would be surprised at how not difficult it can be if you put the effort in. I know because I have done this a number of times and I am not a professional Shadchen.
(9/4/2009 12:10:50 AM)
Suggest some good Chassidish boys?
Is that what it's all about? And what if the boys are not so Chassidish, but behave like menschen, are respectful, and by some quirk of nature, prefer a job not related to Shlichus, or learning in a kollel? Not good enough?

It cuts both ways....the chemistry mix has got to be appealing. For some, it's appearances, for others it's a certain Chassidish standard, not withstanding that even the term Chassidish is objective...e.g. how long is a piece of string?
So, dear ladies, tell me...would you suggest that in order to be classified as proper Chassidish a young man might have to settle for a klotz, a Jappy klotz noch with two left hands, who whimpers to mommy about every little nareshkait? These days, even a Chassidish guy wants a certain type of girl, unlike the Chassidim of yesteryear who couldn't have given a darn about appearances, about being slothly...who didn't mind if the wife was a useless balabosta as long as she could produce an offspring once a year.
Nishtana Itim!!!
For 99% of people.
(9/4/2009 12:11:43 AM)
i want
a good mentchlich boy who dresses in white shirt and black hat. can have a job or shlichus, whatever is his passion i will follow. taller than 5'9" ( i am 5'7") he should daven with a minyan want to raise chassidishe children, be open minded about secular subject like computer science.
does this exist?
(9/4/2009 12:40:48 AM)
parent in the shiduchim parsha
It is REFRESHING to get a phone call from friends and relatives who do it because they CARE! It puts the name on top of the lists..
(9/4/2009 12:55:14 AM)
To #16
Amazing points, #16. Especially this one (I know you repeated it, probably by mistake, but it's worth repeating again):
"Those with a creative spirit, who do not toe an ideological absolutism that engulfs Chabad today - well they have all checked out or withdrawn into cocoons. Why be shouted down and scorned by drunken peasants with an ideological (and/or political) agenda?"
(9/4/2009 1:20:10 AM)
To #16
That was an incredibly long Drasha. I have just one question for you since you are a fan of all the Poskim you mention - please post where in any Rishon or Achron does it say that Bas Ploni Liploni was cancled out?
(9/4/2009 1:52:22 AM)
To #20
Seriously, why does hight matter more then his passion in life?

Do you not have a passion of your own that you will simply follow his?
(9/4/2009 1:59:01 AM)
Thank you
I just sat down and put together a list, as you advised. Thank you for the inspiration. It irritates me that all these clowns are so quick to sprout their 'wisdom' but seem so reluctant to actually act...
(9/4/2009 2:38:18 AM)
To #19
That is absoloutely disgusting!!! You are praising the earlier generation for not caring about any attributes in their wives except that they could give a child once a year!!
io dont know about u, but if i was married to someone who just used me as a tool for children i'd be pretty unhappy.
girls want credit for their personality, looks, and in general for what makes them different from someone else?
when a girl asks their spouse what they find in her when they wanted to get married, do you think she wants hiim to say, "see in you? i was desperate for some kids so i just picked the first girl who i went out with... and ur lucky it was you!!"
come on...
(9/4/2009 3:29:29 AM)
Laaniyas Dayti
# 23. It is clearly stated in Shulchan Aruch Chelek Hey.

The term "cancelled out" is your own term - coined in haste in reading.

It is simple: How many names did the Malach call out for Yaakov Ovinu?
(9/4/2009 4:02:16 AM)
Laaniyas Dayti
# 17 You are obviously not familiar with the president who was elected on the motto: "It's the economy, stupid."

But the tone of your letter indicates why you particularly would have taken offense.

Oh. BTW. What have I done about shidduchim? You seem so confident that I haven't. Hmmm... I have probably done considerably more than the years you have been in Olam Hazeh. And I never take money.
(9/4/2009 4:06:41 AM)
very much appreciated
I agree very strongly with this article... if people can please figure out amoungst themselves (family, friends, etc) a shidduch, whether you know or dont the person that is interested in marriage, you just met the person, or even just HEARD about the person, we could all solve this crisis together! Please?!?!
(9/4/2009 4:07:55 AM)
Thank you #25 for doubling the initiation effort...
I just have a hard time sitting down for even 5 minutes! I envy you...
(9/4/2009 5:11:33 AM)
To 20
Ys it exist but I can't wrought any names here
(9/4/2009 8:15:49 AM)
to 24
i was raised that a woman should support her husband wherever his parnasa takes them. having passions of my own, while imprtant, are not more important than his parnasa.
who said height is more important than his job?
but to me i want someone taller. (not asking for any other physical requirement- ontly height)
that a problem?
(9/4/2009 9:30:19 AM)
(9/4/2009 9:33:32 AM)
Mother of Boys
To #11, I do feel for you. Before my daughters were married, we went through similar frustrations. My daughters also did their fair share of rejecting boys as well.
At this point, my single children are boys. Sometimes the same name will come up several times as different shadchanim will try the names that they have on their list. It is not always the mother who decides but sometimes the bocher itself objects to something so the mother does not want to push him to consider it. Sometimes it is the mother who decides because in our circles, much of the work of finding a shidduch for a son falls on the mother. My husband is not going to call young girls to ask them about their friends. When our daughters were looking though, he made the calls to bochrim about their friends. Often it was his impressions that led to the decision to "meet" (see #16).
To #16 regarding the term "dating": You are correct and it is better to say "going out" however, today when singles go to bowling alleys and game arcades together in order to know each other better, that is a date rather than a meeting. Years ago, meetings took place in the home with the parents present, like they still do today among the other chassidim. It sure would be cheaper if that were still the case! The cost of "going out" today is enormous.
(9/4/2009 9:33:36 AM)
another idea, based on something in the article:
Every time a girl or a boy goes out with someone that is not for them, they immeidately sit down and think of three people who may be shayich. When they call the Shadchan to tell them why it won't work, they should suggest these three names. I think that will go a long way. Even if you personally don't like that person, you may know someone who might tolerate/like what you are not attracted to. Obviously if the person is an unmitigated jerk, don't pass him or her on...
(9/4/2009 9:48:30 AM)
It's sad but true..... most parents are looking out for themselves...
Once they find their "geze" "yichus name-brand" match, they will pride themselves with their cell phones in hand showing that they are busy with life and are on top of the world and "fooyee to you" attitude, and "mir kenish fageenenzech" for another fellow lubavitcher, with an attitude of: "I found mine and I am happy and proud, hope you don't find yours and life is difficult" attitude...... Boruch Hashem there's a lone site called, but let me tell you... it's the tip of the iceberg for finding a shidduch for your son or daughter... In such a huge chabad world, with thousands of shlichim, running around with blackberries looking ever so busy, why can't each major chabad house have a SHIDDUCH DEPARTMENT? Not only is it one of the most important mitzvahs of our time, it will ultimately bring the 3rd Bais Hamikdosh. To all the rich shluchim lining their coffers with gelt, get on your toes and look to make shidduchim, shidduchim shidduchim for your fellow community simple townfolks...... Got the picture???????????
(9/4/2009 11:17:52 AM)
to 31
can you email me?
(9/4/2009 11:26:32 AM)
to #20 and all
It seems that now days it’s all about the looks. I have a friend with a full grown beard but, behaves like a shaygits in some ways, and the one that may touch his beard, goes to shul, says the whole tehilem, but, he seems to have a harder time finding a shiduch. If you put it all down on paper the latter would outweigh him by far.
(9/4/2009 11:34:14 AM)
To #27 (and #16)
Shulchan Aruch Chelek Hey is comon sense. Is it comon sense to just cancel what the Gemoro says because YOU don't understand how that fits with Chairem D'Rabainu Gersom?
Does Hashem not know about Rabainu Gershom C"V?
Or maybe because of the Cherem Hashem does not run the world anymore C"V?

Please think about what you are saying BEFORE you say it. Thank you
(9/4/2009 11:35:32 AM)
it was worth writing...i just sat down with my bro in law and he told me about his single friends and i matched them with my single friends...even if one shidduch comes out of this...its worth it!
(9/4/2009 12:58:31 PM)
to 4
i know some1 who needs a boy! lets meet
(9/4/2009 2:06:05 PM)
Thank you,
Wonderfully written; clear, concise and to the point.
On a side note, don't ya wish people would spend more time IMPLEMENTING some of the good advice and occasional pearls of wisdom found here on this forum and much less time and focus ARGUING over highly insignificant semantics???.... I mean come on people - GROW UP!
if every single person guilty of commenting on this Op-Ed would have actually tried what was suggested, that would be @ least 35 potential shidduchim in the making... DO SOMETHING! MAKE A DIFFERENCE! STOP ARGUING ABOUT NONSENSE! turn off your computer NOW and go make a shidduch..... (and yes, inspired by this article i DID go ahead and make a match.. maybe itl work, maybe it wont, but i tried.... so don't waste your time with presumptuous comments of hypocrisy)
(9/4/2009 2:20:28 PM)
To The Author,
Thank You,
Thank You for your simple solution and yes, IT IS a simple solution (# 3 - see #2 if your finding it hard to believe).
what you write makes perfect sense and is the OBVIOUS solution. If only more people in Lubavicth possessed the "caring heart" you speak of this crisis could easily have been avoided. If only they would show the same care and compassion as the author displays in writing this article, this crisis could finally be thwarted.
Thank you for saying it as it is and not wasting our time or insulting our intelligence with a long drawn out "article" beating around a bush of meaningless nonsense ...
I only hope there are other sensible people out there just like you, people with the same Common sense and Courage who will take what you write seriously.
(9/4/2009 2:56:49 PM)
If you at first you don't succeed......
Bottom Line... Keep Trying Hard to find that shidduch till you find it...... to some people it comes in a snap -- to others it might take a dozen or more times. PS: Anyone have a 23-26 yr old bchur- simple, aidel, learned, round-face, approx 5'6 to 5'10, who has good sense of humour.... emphasis on simple aidel, no yichus names necessary........ haha............ email me:
(9/4/2009 3:33:26 PM)
to 44
does his face have to be perfectly round? because I know a guy whose face is roundish but more to the oval side.
(9/4/2009 5:59:07 PM)
To the Twenty Something year old Shadchan...
Wow! What an amazing article! I couldn't have said it better myself. In the zchus of you trying to help single people, may Hashem send along your bashert and help you continue making more matches for all your friends. Keep up the great work
(9/4/2009 6:32:18 PM)
To #36
Many shluchim have made shidduchim. I am going to an ufrauf tomorrow I"Y"H" of such a match. Also the networking done by those communities affiliated with the Chicago group, often has shluchim involved.
Don't waste time; get involved or start a networking group in your community. I am involved with mine. Plenty of non-geshe Lubavitchers get married. Just look at the recent pictures on COLlive.
(9/4/2009 6:46:11 PM)
to 44
thats funny! my brother just told me about someone who meets all your standards!
(9/4/2009 7:36:51 PM)
chassidishe but chubby
soo who cares if she is a bit chubby who carres she na be cute n funny chassidishe frum all y doess she have to be size 2 GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! a good chassidishe boy should not koch on her looks look @ he type of person she is!
(9/4/2009 7:37:21 PM)
What about 2nd time around
Spare a thought for those that for ever reason have to do it again (or would like to do it again) what kind of problams they have to go through
(9/5/2009 5:51:59 PM)
great article
by the way, who are the people in the picture on top of the article? anyone know? im just curious.
I'm also curious to know if any shidduchim are actually happening between all the commentors on these articles....
(9/5/2009 10:15:06 PM)
When does something change from a "problem" to a "crisis"?

Now before you attack me, I'm only asking a question
(9/5/2009 10:18:34 PM)
Get to know a girl, don't be so quick to reject
Nearly every time I go out, it takes only 1 or 2 times for the boy to say 'it's not for me'. I'm findind more and more that boys need to 'feel it' right away or else they just dump it. No giving chances, and way too quick to judge. One can not nearly get to know someone unless they actually TRY and give it TIME
(9/5/2009 11:03:43 PM)
to 52
There have always remained people who were single long after their age mates were married. Sometimes it was due to life's circumstances. Today people are taking longer to find their basherte on average than people did 10 years ago or even more recently. It is becoming less common to marry the first one that someone is set up with, less common to commit in a short period of time, and less common to agree to meet within a short period of looking for a shidduch. In short, people are spending more time and effort to do what they used to do in less time. We also have the lessening of chassidishe values that cheapens the whole process. The shidduch "crisis" is basically that sense of frustration found in any home that has shidduch age children in it. Blaming shadchanim, shluchim, gezshes, mothers of boys, etc, only fuels the sense of failure and hopelessness since the cause is basically the shift of societal values.
(9/5/2009 11:06:04 PM)
great article, take it a bit farther
when singles/ young marrieds/ brother/ sisters etc...think of a great shidduch they do not always know what to do with the information. Not everyone is comfortable acting as a shadchan!! # 1 it takes hrs, days, weeks and in many cases lot's of couseling and encouragement to follow through as a shadchan ( by the way they are worth every $$ you pay them). PLEASE if you don't have the time or knowhow Don't drop the idea pass the suggestion on to a shadchan you know and if they are not able to take it on try another shadchan BUT don't let your suggestion fall through the cracks. WE ALL MUST HELP EACHOTHER!!!!!
(9/6/2009 12:38:36 AM)
to #52
i guess when it affects the entire population, or so, as opposed to affecting a certain area - i dont know, thats my opinion - i have to admit that i was a little saddened by your last comment. :( even though its 1000% true.....
(9/6/2009 1:12:33 AM)
can a site be made where ppl are able to list a basic profile of someone (nameless), and if the reader is interested, plase email them at such-and such e-mail address.
(9/6/2009 3:20:20 AM)
out of fifty something comments, you barely see ppl talking about "the size 2"..
what happened?
(9/6/2009 4:21:19 AM)
You hit the jackpot
Exactly how it was done by our grandparents.
(9/6/2009 4:25:14 AM)
Boy Girl ratio myth
Its a myth that there are more girls than boys. Actually most populations have more boys than girls OF THE SAME AGE. The reason it seems that there are more girls is because of the 3- 4 year age difference of the shiduchim.

The reason why it seems there are more girls than boys basickly it boils down to the fact that because the frum community is growing every year (there are more grade 1's than grade 4's in all frum schools) it follows there are more 19-20 year old girls than 23-25 year old boys.

Therefore the source of the ratio discrepancy is age gap between boys and girls in an exponentially growing population. Therefore some 200 girls in the frum community miss out on a shiduch PER YEAR.

The only long-term solution that will be able to addres the crisis: (in short) Boys should be dating girls closer to their own age.

When people start understanding the root cause of the crisis, ie - the age gap - then there is a chance to address the crisis. Without understanding this basic mathematical phenomena, this crisis will just get worse with each successive year.
(9/6/2009 4:37:29 AM)
sorry my email is

a wonderful idea is to set up anon. email addresses where we can exchange info. on a public forum like this.
(9/6/2009 9:10:48 AM)
To 58 and 60
58, I don't know how many bochrim and their mothers ever really insisted on a size 2. I do know that most bochrim today view thin as attractive and excess weight as unattractive, just as the secular world views it.
60, the problem is that many boys leave the derech or become modern, while girls often come home from sem, very inspired. While the cure for the numbers descrepency is to marry older girls to younger boys, it is often the girls who refuse to meet a younger and therefore possibly less mature boy.
(9/6/2009 12:27:06 PM)
To #54 and #56
It's #52 here, I don't think either of you answered my question. When you say that it effects more people, do you know that as a fact from statistics?
#56 what other coment did I make that is sad but true?
(9/6/2009 1:09:25 PM)
To the Chicago Shidduch Group #33
You people have an agenda- some good, and some, well really an agenda. The fact that you wrote in all caps was like being shouted at, which you people are famous for. The Rebbe gave many directives to follow in all areas of life, including shidduchim and marriage. If people don't follow your formula, you refuse to help, and are nasty about it.
(9/6/2009 2:04:34 PM)
Response to #62
You make a good point. As a mother of boys in shidduchim now, I prefer to look at girls at least one year post seminary, to get a better feel for their "post seminary" level of chassidishket. Truth is, boys and girls- the longer they are out of yeshiva, the less inspired and strict they become. You see that in ALL the basements of Corwn Heights (and Kingston Avenue too!)
(9/6/2009 2:08:26 PM)
To #52 who is now #63 from #54
I don't have any real statistics but log onto the bocherlist and girlslist on It shows the approximate ages of the single population. We can imagine that if the desired age of marriage for women is 20 to 22 and the desired age for men is 23 to 25, then anyone older than that must have been looking for awhile. Even a woman of 22 or a man of 25 may have been looking for over a year. I have asked numerous people of the older generation, who grandchildren are now getting married and most (but not all) feel that today's parents have a harder job then previous generations did.
I don't think that there are any statistics but from all the meetings that I have been to and people that I have spoken to I have gotten the impression that a significant # of singles in a greater proportion than in the past, spend upwards of 12 months in search of a shidduch and many are upwards of 24 months.
(9/6/2009 2:14:40 PM)
To 63
I hosted a Chicago speaker in my home and also attended the Chicago shidduch conference in January of 09. Their agenda is basically that more ruchnius is needed today to affect a change in the mazel of shidduchim which from a spiritual approach, makes plenty of sense. They advise both the single and their parents to make a hachlata b'ruchnius as well as to help those who are getting married with their preparations and likewise being involved with shidduchim. They feel that just throwing names around will not result in a shidduch. They also are primarily focused on helping the less connected such as children of BTs and children of gerim (although they don't turn any reasonable person down). BTs and gerim need to establish the types of connections that lead to shidduchim between their families; connections that already exist in gezshe circles. This is not to say that shidduchim cannot occur between these 2 groups and there have been numerous matches between BT and FFB (although not necessarily gezshe) families.
(9/6/2009 3:29:25 PM)
To the person who posted that this is the responsibility of the Shluchim: how on earth did this become the Shluchim's problem (more than their share as members of Anash of course)?? It seems that everything that goes wrong is the fault of the Shluchim: Schools in crisis, Shluchim; Shidduch crisis, Shluchim; C.H. politics, Shluchim! Are you suggesting that C.H. and other Lubavitch communities have no leadership of their own? You may of course be alluding to the proverb "If you want something done ask a busy person" - if you want success ask those who are most successful at getting things done i.e. the Shluchim.
(9/6/2009 4:29:24 PM)
to 11
i stopt reading all the comments after reading nr 11, so maybe someone replied to her already.

i (older single girl) met a boy after he had refused to go out with me for a number of years. we met, he didn't like me and we stopt after 3 dates. i remained in that city for a few weeks to go out with others.

every shadchan/ta i spoke to...told me he and i would make a great match. i told them all: he's not interested.

after some time i got a call: the boy knows you're still in town, he's been hearing your name from all different directions, he wants to try again. we met. and met. and met again. after more than 10 times we both discovered that we were wasting our time, we're (both'-)) very good people, but we're not each others bashert.

since then i stopt feeling very upset when boys refus to go out with me because i live on a different continent, because i know that eventually i'll marry the right one, hashem has His ways to bring us together (don't ask ME how) and why would i have to go out with him to get another

(9/7/2009 7:24:40 AM)
68 right on!!
exactly!! how? what? when? shluchim are definitly ready and happy to help...but have a community to deal with...
(9/7/2009 9:46:01 AM)
to 69- thank you
thanks for sharing.
it is still hard becasue i feel just let the boy and the girl try it for themsleves- but these few boys won't even try.
but i see it may not have the outcome we want.
(9/7/2009 10:25:43 AM)
Mother of Boys
Throughout the years of marrying off children, I have also seen my share of girls who give up after one or two dates as well as girls who can date for weeks but can't commit. While boys may be more inclined to give up early and "serial date" (go out with every girl available), because males in general are less patient, girls do it as well. I have also seen what 69 describes, 2 people who basically like one another but can't build a life together.
(9/7/2009 4:32:04 PM)
go 69!!!
I'm a girl who just turned down a boy... h but you know what, when its not right, it s not right! It's not about being picky... it's about a CONNECTION ( am i allowed to say chemistry?!)
And just bc one party has 'feelings' doesn't mean you have to get married - marriage is not one sided!

So if anyone wants to hear the goss - it happens to be that this guy is REALLY not my bashert - during the dating he kept it real chassidish..... after I said no he's sms'd me about 4 times, facebooked me and left messages on my phone...... yech
(10/1/2009 7:06:13 AM)
Thank You
Thank you for the encouragement. I B"H married off 3 of my children and I can honestly say, beleive it or not, I ENJOYED the challenge of making their shidduchim. Now, with a small break I am trying to help others, putting together shidduchim just at least to go out. I feel somewhat incompetent, I am not a Shaddchan, however each time that I mention a name to someone B"H I have received Thank Yous. I so wish to actually make a shidduch. In the meantime, I appreciate the encouragement to TRY.
(11/5/2009 6:45:05 AM)
to 8
(6/3/2010 8:42:57 AM)
they aren't in it for the $
actually if shadchan's were only in the business to make money there would be much less of a problem with finding a partner b/c the shadchan would be much more interested in causing a marriage if there motivation was being paid. The other thing I blame for this so called shidduch "crises" is th refusal to accept baal teshuvahs into the dating system. Right now as a bochur I am looking for a wife. there are those claiming they care and are looking for me but they are simply waiting around for a female bt to show up on their radar. maybe stop putting bochrim like me in a category box and realize it's ok to introduce me to someone who isn't a bt or even someone who is. The point is I haven't even been given an opportunity to meet anyone and you are complaining about a so called shidduch crises because you haven't had a "good date"
(11/2/2014 7:41:02 PM)
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