Aug 11, 2009
Why am I Not Married?

Shidduchim SOS: "All my friends were convinced that I would be 'the first to go.' I'm slim, beautiful and with yichus. People said I have the complete package and it remains a mystery to all as to why I am not married."

By Anonymous

After Reading all this talk about bochurim looking for models and "size 2" etc., I can't help but throw in my two cents.

Yes, there are those that are looking for that perfection, and in their shallowness fail to recognize what's really important in marriage.

I do agree 100% that there has to be a physical attraction, but many don't understand that being attracted to someone comes with getting to know them, getting to see their inner beauty and the wonderful qualities that lies within them. More often than not, one rejects a shidduch based on looks, without even giving it a chance to see if something can come from it.

But let's turn the coin round here. Since this is anonymous I am free to be honest about myself and without coming across as boastful, I can say this:

I am a older single (late twenties). I am slim and considered to be beautiful, I have been told this throughout my life. When it came to start dating, all my friends were convinced that I would be "the first to go."

I thank G-d come from a wonderful close knit family, (with yichus) and I followed the system just like all my friends, and went on to teach in Crown Heights etc.

People have often told me I have the complete package and it remains a mystery to all as to why I am not married.

If what all you are saying holds the truth then I should have been married years ago - it just goes to show its not true.

Bochurim who I have met over the past few years have all openly told me, "I think you are beautiful and you're everything I've always wanted but...." and then the list would begin.

I was either too open, too closed, too serious, too carefree... whatever it was, they somehow managed to find something that was missing.

A girl can have the perfect figure and look beautiful, but the guys are still going to dig for that perfect girl, and many of these guys a few years down the road, remain single and are still searching blindly, thinking they're going to find this illusion they've painted in their minds.

I've even had one bochur tell me if only he could take the best part of each girl he's been out with, and find that one girl who has all those qualities!

It's not about the looks. Its about bochurim looking for perfection.

It comes down to a bochur can be dating an amazing girl and he knows himself she's everything he needs in a wife, but he will continue to dig further, convincing himself there has to be someone else better out there for him.

It's about time bochurim learn to realize that no girl is perfect - but that's the whole beauty of marriage - to form a unity, to complete something that is not perfect and make it complete.

So all you girls reading this, please, don't pay too much attention to these articles that stress so much attention on looks and weight.

I have many friends who are very happily married today to wonderful husbands, and are not considered to be attractive, but their husbands love them and saw what they had to offer.

They chose to see the good and beautiful middos and qualities these girls possess that allowed them to build a trusting and loving relationship.

I, on the other hand, hold these same values and good qualities, and am still unable to find someone - even with my "model qualities."

Guess my point is, it makes no difference if you have that model figure or not, whether you're beautiful or not. The problem here is much more profound and deeper then we realize.

It's frightening how we have come to this and my only hope is that maybe through the Shidduchim SOS blog we will be able to overcome it.

Good luck to you all.

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Opinions and Comments
Bochur Say's
can i have your number
(8/12/2009 6:38:56 AM)
Tall, thin, yichus are are assets you luckily received for free, from Hashem, without any work

Did you realize you did not mention a word about your personality? about your character? are you introvert or extrovert? chasidish or not? learned or ignorant?

Here is what you need to understand:
smart? there will always be smarter then you
pretty? there there will always be prettier then you
yichus? there will always be some with better background

but personality: that's only up to you and that is what defines you
(8/12/2009 6:51:46 AM)
''model qualities''??
You shudnt be writing things like this, i wudnt marry you..
(8/12/2009 7:00:09 AM)
2 Cents
Usually this would be the place where the "typical 770 bochur" would say something that vindicates the masses of deluded souls. But here I would simply like to say "well said". I agree and as a bochur I realize that no one is perfect. Everyone has to learn to look past the Rochel - the good looks and what we see - to find Leah - the parts that we don't. This is the mesaage we are relaying when the Chosson covers the Kallahs face AT THE TIME OF KIDDUSHIN!

So MY two cents is, if the author of the article is as true to herself as she makes herself out to be, then hold in there - you're prince will come. Someone who loves you for just who you are.

"The right person at the right time" doesn't imply that everyone gets what they want WHEN they want it. How else do you answer to a 23 year old girl who can't get married before her older sister?

May there be so many L'chaims very soon ad bli dai!
(8/12/2009 7:01:48 AM)
out of all the articles i have read on this topic....
this one strikes me the most
Perhaps we had more education on how to create a great marriage (within the seminary/yeshivah system).

sara crispe says:
it aint 2 halves = whole
it's 2 wholes, 1+1=2 (not 1).

therefore what is each bringing to the marriage? and once we do bring in "our whole" what then how does one forge this relp to be successful?

once a person understands how he/she is able to contribute, may make it easier to decide on who to marry
(8/12/2009 7:02:29 AM)
To Comment #5
"once a person understands how he/she is able to contribute, may make it easier to decide on who to marry"

This is only true if he/she wants someone who can contribute the way they do. Or if they know what they need most. But many times no one knows who they are or what they want.
(8/12/2009 7:19:02 AM)
you sound like a wonderful person...i hope you find your bashert real soon.. from a girl who is waiting too
(8/12/2009 7:20:02 AM)
to #1
good move
(8/12/2009 7:20:21 AM)
"Guess my point is, it makes no difference if you have that model figure or not, whether you're beautiful or not. The problem here is much more profound and deeper then we realize."

IT DOES MAKE A DIFFERENCE. Just not as big as people make it out. Look it definitely helps if a girl looks nice enough, it makes a diference, but you are so so on target with this, and I'm a guy.

So... yeah. I agree 99% with you.

What you wrote is well written, beautiful and to the point, I so agree with you.
(8/12/2009 7:22:57 AM)
I know the feeling
I am a 20 year old buchor out of yeshiva. I am slim and beautiful and whenever I go out on shidduch dates I feel like the girls are just interested in my looks and do not love me for me. It is a big issue in Lubavitch and one I think should be addressed.
(8/12/2009 7:25:43 AM)
awesome point!
well said! I am in your position and know exactly how you feel! But, what is there to do?
(8/12/2009 7:27:07 AM)
Despite hiding behind your anonymity, you ARE somewhat boastful. Being told you're beautiful your whole life (your words) will inevitably make you really believe it & therefore, I suspect you somehow signal a big ego to your date.

So you are drop-dead gorgeous. You have Yichus. Presumably you consider yourself above-average intelligence. You probably are all of these things.

But honestly, you sound arrogant to me. Maybe it also comes across on a date. And you don't say if you've ever rejected anyone & why. Could it be YOU are setting your expectations at an unrealistic level?

I think it is very harmful to tell girls they are perfect & that they'll be the first to go. If a girl hears it often enough she believes it & when it doesn't happen, panic sets in. With panic comes "neediness" & desperation. That can really frighten a guy. You probably see every date as "the one" & maybe unconsciously that is given over.

Relax. You are NOT perfect. No one is. You imply that all these non-perfect girls got married & you're still waiting. So what? Maybe the only thing that's missing from the package is depth & personality.

You need to not try so hard and be yourself. Have a nice evening & not worry about image. You are upset that guys are too worried about size. Well, it sounds like you are! The first thing you say is that you are beautiful. Well, beauty is in the eye of the beholder & "fat & ugly" girls often reach the finish line first. I did, well before any of my friends. I was a size 18 when I got married. And I married a wonderful person who, while he is no Mr. Universe, just like I'm not Miss World either, is a wonderful husband & father & a great provider for his family. I never thought I would be married first & I had my fair share of rejection (the best, the guy actually said it to me, was that in the end, the mother didn't think MY yichus was good enough for her son!)

Stop thinking of yourself as perfect. Stop being so desperate. As my teens say to me, take a chill pill! I wish you a lot of Hatzlacha & I hope you find your bashert very soon.
(8/12/2009 7:30:47 AM)
seriously all this talk about shiduchim is getting me sick! When you raech the age of 22 or 23 or when you feel ready to get married look for people with similar intresets in life dtae get engaged amd off to the Chupa. All these articles are written for "lo yutzlachs that need help!!! you are scaring the normal people.
(8/12/2009 7:35:14 AM)
look inside
when a person gose out on a date.
you also look @ the inside of the person
is she chashidish or not dose she gose to movie or not
(8/12/2009 7:56:23 AM)
To Comment #2
One's Personality is not up to the person he or she can't just change or adjust their personality accordingly. Not so simple. G-D given my friend, we have to try to bring out the talents that each of our personalities posess.
(8/12/2009 7:57:00 AM)
I agree with 12 and would add
I agree with what coment #12 wrote. All you write about yourself is outer stuff while you don't write any REAL qualities even though you do it to make a specific point.

Regarding the point of the article itself - good luck trying to fix anything by placing blame on others. You say it's all the fault of Bochurim right? THEY are the ones looking for perfection right? I think people from every side of this story (boys, girls, parents, friends etc.) are looking for perfection/ looks/ money / yichus / whatever. There will always be real people and shallow people, thats life, to sit and say it's the fault of the boys/ Shadchanim / system etc. is not going to get you anywhere.

Work on fixing yourself, then work on helping a friend fix herself, maybe just maybe you will fix one person.
(8/12/2009 8:30:14 AM)
My thoughts verbatim !!!
This article is the first accurate,decent, veracious,approach on the subject!
As an "older" girl my feelings deeply resonate with the authors. Its not as simple as some people so blatantly put it...

and # 10 you are highly funny......;) !!!! Good luck with that ;)
(8/12/2009 8:36:52 AM)
i think u got lucky and blessed with number 12 most people do not have someone write str8 to them
i dont understand though i just turned down a girl because she wasnt well versed im not looking for the girl that says chitas and perek echad every day

but it would be nice someone who has experience being a part of the chassidishe community and has some sort of education

what is it with yichus it is zippo! moshiach is coming right now anyway soo who cares r u going to live with someone for 65 years because who their great grandfather was???

u cant order life-living from the bakery u choose someone to go out with and then you let the events and personalities take a journey of their own and g-d willing marry them

good luck to maydahleh

may our partners help us grow!
(8/12/2009 8:38:22 AM)
If you can only be a fly on my clinic's wall
As a therapist who works with so many Lubavitch couples ,I read all these articles here recently with much cuoriosity and think to myself " if all these Bochurim and Girls who look for the perfect other half, can only know what I hear from all these people few years (or even less then that) about that 'perfect match' he or she found.
everything is gone, the beuty, the size 2 , the head turning model, even the great Yichus that was such a factor in making this Shiduch, ALL of it is gone with the wind, out of the window like dust in the wind.

The beuty is gone after few months when one get used to it.
The size 2 is gone after there is no more reason for self starvation.

The great Yichus.... well...after getting into the family , you realize if you only knew it back then , you would put on your best snickers and run as fast as your legs can carry you.

Wake up!! wake up young people and smell the coffee!

If you could only be a fly on my clinic's wall. so much pain you would save yourself and your families.
(8/12/2009 8:43:52 AM)
so it's all her fault?
It's so nice of all of you to explain how this girl is the problem - you all seem to know what is wrong with her. And what is even more puzzling is that you take it upon yourself to explain that it is actually her fault she is not married. Do you even see what's wrong with this picture? Did you forget that Hashem runs the world? Who died and put you in charge?
(8/12/2009 8:46:49 AM)
It takes two to tango.
Ms. anonymous, In my judgment your making it sound like only the boys have the problem. Well guess what, I have noticed so many girls that dont even agree to go out because the guy is not good enough, or they heard things about the guy and they are not willing to see for themselves, and they are in their late twenties. So in my opinion the problem lies with both guys and girls. Let me ask you a personal question? How many guys did you say no to? and why? Is their a chance the problem lies with you?
(8/12/2009 8:49:34 AM)
the right time
I don't think we can try to pinpoint why someone who is older and has great qualities is still not married. Of course there may be issues that make things more difficult and they should be addressed but...

We must keep in mind that the exact time of marriage is pre-destined by Hashem. So however kind or chassidish or beautiful or ugly a person is, they will get married at THEIR right time.

I know a girl that also everyone thought would for sure find the right person really fast... she had great qualities etc... and people couldn't understand why she was still not married in her late twenties.

It turns out that she is married now to an amazing guy who is a few years younger than her. Perhaps she had to wait because her bashert was younger and simply wasn't dating yet when she was...

I am not saying it is easy to have to wait but I imagine it would help to keep this in mind...

May we all find the right person at the right time :)

(8/12/2009 9:01:58 AM)
slim boys.
slim boys are rather nasty.
and you probably are still single because you are lame, as in you find the need to write this article and boast your beauty, as opposed to just letting it happen, on its own.
(8/12/2009 9:05:14 AM)
to number 23
I don't think he's trying to boast his beauty... he's got a point...

I guess its similar to the case of people who have money... It IS harder... they don't know who their real friends are...
(8/12/2009 9:19:28 AM)
Number 19 has it spot on
People listen to what your heart and mind tells you. Look for what YOU want not what your mother, community, and society tell you what YOU need. Because they don't know what makes you happy. I suggest a deep introspection and mediation on what qualities you need(i.e strong character, generosity..etc) to fill in the missing pieces of what you have never received. Be true to yourself and than you will get your true bashert.
(8/12/2009 9:24:31 AM)
did your parents gave a kiddush for your honer when you were born? (THIS IS ONE THING THE REBBE TOLD US TO DO)
my friend just gave a kiddush for her 22 years old.
(8/12/2009 9:24:35 AM)
why don't you post a picture for us to rate you?
(8/12/2009 9:35:59 AM)
to #23
you are massively confused and should read the article again!!!!!!!!!!!!(the author=girl.NOT BOY)
(8/12/2009 9:50:33 AM)
to the author of this article:
stop blaming guys for trying to find perfection.
one day, a guy will find u and think u are perfect, (and i hope not because of ure yichus and supposed beauty...)
and then... you won't be complaining....
(8/12/2009 9:52:44 AM)
To Everyone
Are we being punked???
(8/12/2009 9:59:57 AM)
to #23
you sohld reed the thing again and rember whos talking
(8/12/2009 10:00:41 AM)
to 24
all the way
(8/12/2009 10:01:10 AM)
The Right Guy!!!!
(8/12/2009 10:36:47 AM)
some advice
It is good to read Chavos Halevavos and increase bitachon that you will get a good shidduch. I know it helped me having bitachon. May you have good news soon.
(8/12/2009 10:49:03 AM)

(8/12/2009 10:55:59 AM)
Sad but true on both sides
I have seen picky parents on both girl and boy sides. But you seemed to get regected after the dates, which usualy happens more to the boys. Maybe more humilty and warmth and less boy bashing or bocher hatting is in order.
(8/12/2009 11:03:55 AM)
subconscious feelings
"All my friends were convinced that I would be 'the first to go.' The phrase "first to go" sounds like someone getting fired or something else not good. Maybe you have a negative idea about marriage (maybe even subconscious) that is blocking you from getting a shidduch.
(8/12/2009 11:04:27 AM)
be honest
sounds like she's overweight
(8/12/2009 11:22:43 AM)
word from the author

Hi, I am the girl who wrote this article , and I sit here shocked by some of these comments, although not totally surprised. There are always going to be those amongst us who find the negative even in something that is coming from a place of deep pain. Did any of you who chose to offend and belittle what I wrote ,stop to think what lies beneath this article. Do you honestly feel you are in the position to sit there and judge ? - No I am not perfect and very far from it. l DID write in my article that no-one is perfect and it takes two to make someone complete but obviously there are some who are so quick to judge and insult that they skipped over those parts and instead choose to focus on the negative -What saddens me here is, not the fact that you don't t understand what I write, and fail to see beyond my words, but what pains me more is you think you are all so sure of yourselves and write your opinions as though you know me personally. For those who think I came across boastful and proud, I'm sorry - , That was not my intentions at all, and I was surprised to see that this is the impression some of you got. I would trade all for what G-d blessed me with for a husband and a family in a instant . I know it takes more then yichus and beauty to make a great wife, but I know I possess all what it takes and more to be a wonderful wife and mother.

People tend to think if you're beautiful you are lacking in personality , middos etc, and I'm used to people accusing me over the years what MY problem might be. Sure, I might have some problems, but is every married girl out there problem free and perfect? Do we throw comments and insults when someone whose been married for a while and has no children , do people try suggest for the couple what the "problem "might lie in them. When someone is C"V sick do we accuse them too of what the problem might be,. We don't ! So WHY why when it coms to someone not being married are people so quick to jump to the conclusion that something has to wrong with them, and search every reason possible that could be holding them back from finding their beshert. Is it so hard to believe that just like things happen in life that we don't understand but is the will of Hashem too when someone isn't married yet? Just like those childless couples and those suffering from sickness is something we are unable to comprehend and only pray that Hashem ends their suffering !!! - Could this not be done with unmarrieds too? - I know my article was putting a lot of blame of the Bochurim and I would like to apologize for that. Not all of you are like this. This article was simply my cry out to the world. A lot of pain and frustration comes along with not being married, and sometimes it's hard not to get carried away with it all, but yes there are a lot of good guys out there who do have the right idea about marriage and are aware of what's important and what's not, and same with girls. We are all in this together.

to number 12 , Your response hit me the most, and coming from a mother with teenage children, I find what you write even more surprising . I would have expected such a comment from someone a lot younger . You write that the guys sense my ego on the dates, in fact this is quite the opposite. Eight years being in the dating scene takes a toll on your confidence and when you have everyone around you, suggesting what could be wrong, and seeking out your faults, and only G-d knows how much more we go through on a daily basis, even the most confident person will be effected by it and my self esteem has dimmed over the years. so no I not all about the ego!!
You write I "probably " expect every guy I meet to be " the one" , and that I "probably " consider myself to be a above higher in intelligence ..Do you honestly think you are in the position to assume this when you have absolutely no idea about my life, and obviously very little involvement in the shidduch world. or you wouldn't have been so quick to scorn and judge.

And as for not writing about my personality and my dating stories, I didn't write a article on my biography . I write it to convey a message, and I only hope that IY"H when your teenage children enter the shiddich scene, you will have a better understanding of life and a more sensitive heart !!

Thank you to all those who responded with understanding. We should all hear good news soon!
(8/12/2009 11:24:59 AM)
Yichus is overrated!

(8/12/2009 12:26:34 PM)
What about Rivka?
I think we can all learn a lesson from Rivka who got married at the age of 3. Yitzchak didn't care how she looked, or even acted, rather he let a slave pick her out for him. I think that we all have a lot of thinking left to be done. Dan
(8/12/2009 12:30:57 PM)
to the author
hey , its # 23 again,
im crying out to the worl dtoo
here is my plea
please stop...this was all depressing to start with, but now its just getting verrry funny...
i'm sorry but maybe you are having a hard time finding a partner because maybe possibly perhaps, you bore them with 8 paragraph explanations about everything you say or do.
why do i keep commenting if i am so disturbed by all of this you ask?
well, i hope to shed some humor into the hearts of the skinny lil yichus hungry souls out there.
p.s you say your slim....i happen to know you are rather plump. pleasantly plump. but plump.
(8/12/2009 12:46:33 PM)
if you are posting on article here, you have to expect to be criticized, laughed at, and ridiculed.
if you really believe in what you say, stop defending yourself and giving five-paragraph explanations.
whoever agrees with you already does, and whoever doesn't - ure not going to change their minds!
so calm down and take pride in the fact that you initiated all these enormously entertaining comments and gave some people their laughs for the day.
(8/12/2009 1:03:54 PM)
:) opinion
its interesting to see everyones own opinion!
all i say is: Good luck and MAZEL TOV in advance!!!!!!
(8/12/2009 1:05:41 PM)
I really feel for u....

Take no notice of the negative comebacks .....stupid and jealous people around.....u wrote beautifully and truthfully.Hatzlocho.
(8/12/2009 1:17:19 PM)
To the auther and #39
It's me from #16 I am truly sorry for hurting your feelings. I would like to explain myself though. I think you came down too hard on the guys, please remember that boys have feelings too even if they don't allways show it.
I still admire the additude of #12 even though she did come across with a little too much Gevurah.
I wish you all the best physicaly and spiritualy and you should find your husband in the year 5769.
(8/12/2009 1:35:00 PM)
to #13
What you said is truly mean. Every single older girl and boy started off young and full of hope right from the beginning. to say that they are 'yutzlach who need help', is like saying that Hashem's plan is 'yutzlach'.

And another thing, if you believe that they need help - then help them!! Try to make a shidduch for them
(8/12/2009 2:00:11 PM)
to #42
i think with your comment - it'll be really hard for you to find yours with your nasty comments...and I hope that HKB"H will grant all those who deserve to find their bashert ASAP.
(8/12/2009 2:10:54 PM)
I'm #12
There is a huge difference in the way the original article was written & your response (#39.) I find it very hard to believe that both pieces were written by the same person (unless, of course, the original was carefully edited.) Perhaps it's because of all the anger in #39.

Like many people, you aren't willing to acknowledge that just maybe there is some truth to what I wrote. I re-read your article & my response. Obviously what I said hit home, because you defended yourself at great length. No one else merited the same angry response. I suppose you must have heard a bell in the far distance that rang true.

FYI, I have married children B"H. My next is just about to enter the dating roundabout. The Shidduch scene is horrible, no argument there, but when all you wrote about was the physical exterior, what do you think people will believe? You are right, some young men are very shallow, but so are some young women. You are incredulous that you aren't married yet. Maybe you aren't looking for the right qualities in a husband. Did you put "looks" at or near the top of YOUR list? You kept stressing your looks so I'm guessing they are very important to you.

I am sorry you can't see what I was trying to say. When you wrote, you invited responses. COL should have been told to only post the ones that validate your feelings. But honestly, what is wrong with someone saying something that may make you think, hey! Perhaps she/he has a point? Hopefully, a little honesty can help you understand that what you conveyed isn't the truth of who you are. You were quite clear that I got everything wrong. That is quite possible, but it's because your article gave that impression. That's what I took out of the article & apparently, so did other people reading it.

Some posters here seemed to get what I meant, but you didn't. I hope you understand me better now. As I said originally, I really hope you find your bashert quickly. You WILL make a great wife & mother & you deserve to be happy. Everyone does. Good luck!
(8/12/2009 2:32:18 PM)
To the author
You have some very good points, however, there is a very big misconception out there about Bocurim. Being one myself, i can tell you, that yes i do see where you are coming from - that there allot of guys who think that way, and think that it exists out there - someone that will just have every and anything they want all in one - which is quiet the opposite of marriage, cause is it not 2 people coming together and working with each others pros and cons?!
However this general conception that people have has gone WAY TO FAR! That is not the case of all Bochurim at all, is this what you think when you look at your brother? is this what you think when you look at your son? is this what you think when you see a Shliach that came in for the Kinnus Hashluchim? Obviously not! Well guess what not so long ago these Shluchim who are going on Mesiras Nefesh every day of their lives were also in that seen, and the guys who are in the seen now and going to be the guys coming as Shluchim in a few years! If it were looked at that way, people would realize that Bochurim are not that SHALLOW! Did we not spend 8/9 years of our lives learning, thru Yeshiva, Shlichus, Semicha etc!?

So just know that were not all like that, and you should find yours IY"H very soon. And Hatzlacha with that!

Ps To all those who commented about it. I don't think there is anything wrong with knowing and acknowledging ones Maalos!?! V'dal!
(8/12/2009 3:26:14 PM)
angry people....
angry people shoudl not be able to comment. they are mean and insensitive.
What is the point in bashing a well meaning article??
(8/12/2009 4:03:14 PM)

(8/12/2009 4:27:42 PM)
this isnt a joke
I can't believe people are making this into a joke. Some of the comments up here are shameful...

Why do people take advantage of the fact that they can comment anonymously? If they had to put their name they would (I hope) be too embarrassed to post them.

If you've nothing nice to say, say nothing.
(8/12/2009 4:59:45 PM)
Good Article
Everybody who has commented against it about why she mentions her looks and all has completely missed the point. She brought it to prove a well established point. I'm a bochur. Though that what she says probably doesn't apply to most cases. She does have a very good point, because after all, it makes that a bochur should think that way, because he will be living with her the rest of her life. But therefore, he must learn the letters in Igros which explain how there is none perfect other than Hashem. People who wrote against the article missed the point and thats why she had to write a response because of idiots who's eyes just drifted right to the physical features and didn't read anything in between and therefore think that this is just another stupid shidduch article.
(8/12/2009 6:37:53 PM)
You rejected me
The author talks about the bochurim that turned her down, but what about the the ones that she turned down?

There were bochurim who were "complete packages" but somehow you felt they should be rejected because they were "either too open, too closed, too serious, too carefree... whatever it was, YOU somehow managed to find something that was missing".

Dear Author, You are still "an older single" because you rejected me and many others. "It's about time YOU learn to realize that no BOCHUR is perfect", although I come very close. And that, dear author, is the reason we are BOTH still single.

"The problem here is much more profound and deeper then we realize", indeed, we fail to realize that we, you and I ARE the problem!

It is so much easier to blame others for our own faults that we refuse to recognize.
(8/12/2009 6:58:18 PM)
To the Author - 12, 13 & 33
To the Author:

Firstly, you wrote very well. Honestly, the only issue with your article and the reason you're getting this kind of feedback (I think) is because you followed lots of other articles so ppl are "burnt out" on this issue and are not being as serious as if it were the first article.

To #12

You are out of line here. You must not have been following the series of articles here so you don't get why she writes that way. She was not writing to boast about herself she was following up on the articles that said that guys were looking for looks.

To #13

Please don't be naive, that's not how things work. You're just wrong to believe that everyone can just marry the 1st, 2nd or 3rd person they meet (and that "the system" will set up with the right ppl) and if not they're a "lo yutlach" Come on, that's just so incorrect and insulting.

To #33

You copied my email address idea! maybe that's why no one wants to email you. You sound like a desperate guy not like a Shadchan. If you are truly a legitimate business than put you're name on it and earn the trust that you expect. Also, it doesn't help that you write in ALL CAPS effectively screaming at us and being very rude. Why would anyone email some random guy like that?
(8/12/2009 9:24:47 PM)
to # 33
what is your name? would love to send you my profile but i would need to know who I am sending it to. Mayb your just a shmo who wants some good gossip. So, if u really do want to help tell us who you are and the phone calls/emails wont stop.
(8/13/2009 12:35:57 AM)
to #55
Why you do care to know the heights AND WEIGHT.
do numbers matter? Seriously how..
(8/13/2009 12:41:41 AM)
I'm #10
vee kumpt dos in lubavitch aza shanzeh?? and #23 i said slim AND beautiful.....
(8/13/2009 3:22:26 AM)
This is all so sad...but one last word
There is so much pain, it was hard to read it all. Sadly, boys who hold out for perfection do seem to get whatever they want in the end, because a older single boy can dip into the next class of nineteen year olds. I am not saying that some boys don't suffer rejection along the way, they may, but in the end, most normal boys do okay with the system. But if the girls miss their small window of opportunity, when they are very young and new to the market and there is some buzz around them, oy vay! Parents of girls wake up. Get pro-active and encourage your daughters to take advantage of the system. Get married young, to the best one you can get, but don't put it off. You can't change human nature, but you can use it out positively. Once the "bloom is off the rose" with the addition of some years, it is harder to compete in the shidduch market and we all know this, so act responsibly towards your daughter when she has the BEST chance, don't be asleep or timid.
(8/13/2009 3:23:51 AM)
What is this?
Beauty is equated with perfection.
The stress placed on it in the article is not misplaced.
For a girl walking down the street anywhere - I wish I could say crown heights is different - it is very clear and simple to see that all men/boys want it and it is not kept secret.
And yes we are conditioned to see beauty as the prime focus of what women need to be. Its not coming out of left field. We were created like that. What went wrong is that the definition of beauty is now confined to excrutiatingly slim figures and standard good looks. We forget that every woman is beautiful whether we think so or not.
Yes so the author stressed these "qualities" because you all taught her to and told her that its what she needs.
I find it comforting that the author writes this article, yes it is a shame, for the girls out there that they can stop starving themselves and focus on improving their character, becoming better people and Iy"h the right one will come and find them.
(8/13/2009 3:49:43 AM)
To #60
Did you ever check out the facts that you say boys have a better chance, or you just happen to know a bunch of older girls so you think it is fact?

Also, if what you are saying is realy true (that boys could just dip into the next class of 19 year olds) then why in the world would you want to continue to feed such a disastrous system by marrying with a big age gap thereby giving a clear dissadvantage to other girls?
My wife an I are within a year of each other and life is great. People made all kinds of comments about me being to young for her or her to old for me etc. but you know what, all that comes to a stop and we are now living happily ever after Boruch Hashem.
(8/13/2009 4:20:53 AM)
I have just one last comment to add.

When I sent it my article I titled it " Finding perfection together" to imply that no-one is perfect , no even with beauty, yichus, etc that so many out there tend to think if you have those two, then you're guaranteed to get married easily and quickly. COL changed it to " Why am I not married yet" and also re-phrased some wordings - and after reading it again, I understand why some of you might have translated what I wrote as to sounding arrogant and boastful, but this was far from my intentions

I thank those of you who were smarter then that and managed to read between the lines of my article and understand all I was trying to say is that it's hard for everyone, no matter where you come from or what you look like.

I do understand that when writing such a article one must expect to receive such comments, but honestly I never expected such cruel and judgmental responses like of those above.

You also might want to bear in mind that your comments aren't directed only at me. There are many unmarried people reading this, and you might want to consider a little sensitivity towards them before you lash out your opinions and accusations
(8/13/2009 4:25:52 AM)
you disgust me
(8/13/2009 4:29:11 AM)
To #62 From #60
I am not advocating big age gaps, I have one son married to a girl older than him (like the Rebbe & Rebbetzin), but I also had daughters recently, so I am calling it as I see it. Yes, unfortunately I know too many "older" single girls and single boys I know reject girls for whatever whim they want. And they can get young girls, that's just the way it is. You may not like the message, but it is the emes.
(8/13/2009 4:43:20 AM)
In the same boat
Once upon a time I was just as sure and carefree as everyone else, but now years later I find my self crying myself to sleep most nights wondering and hoping if this misery will ever end.
The author is not looking for an explanation or any answers; it is a cry from her soul, one that unless you are in the same situation can't really relate to. I walk down the street and see happy loving couples everywhere, I look and all I want to do is raise my head to the sky and scream ITS NOT FAIR, ITS NOT FAIR, ITS NOT FAIR. We know the "system" doesn't always work, but we still try, we still pull ourselves out of bed in the morning which isn't always so easy anymore because even though we feel like it may be a lost cause there is still that small glimmer of hope. We can't help but look in the mirror and constantly wonder what we could change that would make that one tiny difference that seems would make everything better.
So many people seem so quick to judge, take a few minutes and put your selves in our's not fun.
Although I am very grateful for everything hashem has given me it's very difficult at times to see the reason behind such a test.
(8/13/2009 5:07:42 AM)
to 60
You write "why would we feed such a system"...then at the end you write (the opposite) that "people didn't agree with your age difference". The point is no one controls who you or someone else can marry. If you find happiness with someone a little older than you and someone else finds that with someone a years younger then let them all live happily ever after. There is no "system".
(8/13/2009 5:39:45 AM)
to #56
hmmm I wonder, why would someone email a random guy like that?
~ 31
(8/13/2009 6:26:16 AM)
to #67
????? reread before you nitpick. Oh and you probably mean #62
(8/13/2009 7:08:16 AM)
To:67 From:60
Statements you attributed to me were made by #62, but anyway...There most definately is an informal "system" that has fallen into place in Shidduchim and there are rules. Girls do better if they enter and exit this system as quickly as possible through marriage. Hanging around does not do them any good, on this I think we can agree. I am merely advising parents of girls to work on their daughters' shidduchim ASAP.
(8/13/2009 7:13:09 AM)
to 60
You write "why would we feed such a system"...then at the end you write (the opposite) that "people didn't agree with your age difference". The point is no one controls who you or someone else can marry. If you find happiness with someone a little older than you and someone else finds that with someone a years younger then let them all live happily ever after. There is no "system".
(8/13/2009 8:01:26 AM)
A Thought
To the Author & other girls who anxiously wait for their match:

Thin, beautiful, lively, extroverted, aidel, exciting, cute, smart, ambitious, tall, short, sweet, kind-hearted.... Girls, you can be any of these things, but it will not guarrantee that boys will be falling on your doorstep, or that each boy dated will fall deeply in love with you.

Finding your bashert, your other half, goes much deeper. Yes, physical attraction is a facet, and if you're witty & good-natured it may help the cause, but, at the end of the day, it is about the interests & values you share, & the chemistry formed between the two of you.

A few weeks back, I heard wonderful news of a 26 year old girl who got engaged. It was beautiful news to hear, for after many years of tirelessly dating, she was finally able to find "the one". I am G-d forbid not saying that it should take as much time, or that one who turns 26 and is not yet married is a "spinster", but, rather, one cannot say when they will meet the right one. It is not simply in your hands, & the right bochur can be your next date, or the one after him, or three boys from now.

Yes, we must do our part. Mothers can make calls, we can meet with shadchanim, we can dance at weddings, and dress well & be social & make conversation with women in the streets.

But, after all is said and done, the right person for you will find you when it is time.

Good luck to all, dating is a process!
(8/13/2009 9:10:31 AM)
oh my gosh!!
my friend just sent me this link to this survey its very interesting apparently someone cares about the shidduch crisis and is doing something about it. this is the link
(8/13/2009 12:59:17 PM)
I am shamed by #12
What a narrow minded and judgemental person!
(8/13/2009 1:27:08 PM)
to #73
your link is nuts! its the same guy who wrote #33 and wants girls to email him!!
(8/13/2009 4:50:33 PM)
(8/13/2009 5:24:13 PM)
time for change
someone above, (i didn't keep track of the comment number) wrote that people are getting "burnt out" with this same topic already, so while i thank the author for putting in the effort to write this article (i can tell you put alot into it, and feel passionately about what you write), i ask all of you who follow this blog, please start sending in articles on shidduchim that deal with other topics.
A few topic suggestions: gezhe/ffb/bt - the yes and no's.
Siblings - brothers or sisters who are waiting their turn, thereby causing more singles, who simply have not had a chance yet at shidduchim.
Age/height factor - it's really OK for the boy to be younger or shorter than the girl!!!!!!!!!!!
I'd love to write my own article, but for some reason, I can't figure out how to send them in - do you need to be a registered user? Why do I not see an email address on the homepage to send articles to?

COLlive response:

You can write to us at or
(8/13/2009 6:41:18 PM)
a single bochur
Im a single bochur and im not looking for perfection all im looking for is geze. i dont care what she looks like or how sweet she is, if shes geze ill take her. my whole life i look at the geze people of ch and i wish i can be them they look so happy maybe if i marry one i can be happy too. geze geze geze thats all i want '
so if your geze and want to go out with a really simple guy send me a email to
(8/14/2009 5:13:34 AM)
To 78 GEZE,
what is this? Some kind of a joke? Haha...... Hashem decides when and where a shidduch is made... There is no such thing as GEZE...The connection depends if you merited it, and if you "chorvitted" laboriously in making for yourself a good name; each person, wise, simple, Ashkenaz Lubavitch, Sephardic Lubavitch, will end up with someone they never thought they'd end up with...... Only the Almighty knows and we trust in him to seek us our basherte Love mate.
(8/14/2009 7:54:43 AM)
to #78 - If you want a gezhe girl, you gotta sound a bit more sophisticated. A gezhe girl doesn't want a simple boy. You need to extoll your many virtues. Maybe you can say you learn, or that you have money. I don't know what you have, but cmon, you gotta do better than that!!
(8/14/2009 8:08:07 AM)
another question
to #76 - Get over yourself and join this century. Women are allowed to write such articles. You are only using this as a cover to say what you really want to say, so I'll say it for you. You don't like the fact that she thinks for herself and asks questions. You don't like the fact that bochurim also have opinions of their own and are therefore commenting as such.
(8/14/2009 8:12:24 AM)
to # 10
grow up or maybe you need a guy
(8/14/2009 9:55:40 AM)
to 81 & 76
81...very well said...I always feel like writing that when I see people like 76 screaming like that and they think that they can control everyone...

TO 76...what can I say, you are not the type to appreciate other opinions so I won't waste my time. But one thing I will say is please DONT most of us here are civilized people the type who like to share and listen to opinions, we don't shout. Thanks.
(8/14/2009 10:27:04 AM)
to # 78
So basically what you're saying is, that the only important thing in life to you is that her family is gezhe?
That is preposterous, you are not living with the family for the rest of your life, what if your wife treats you like garbage or if she acts like a b*tch to you, then her family will not make any difference, beacuse you will be so miserable, no matter how much mashkeh her granfather said lichayim on in the old shtetel.
Similarly is with looks, yes looks are important, but its not everything, and if someone says that it is they are being naive and stupid, because in ten years your wife will change and she will not be as gorgeous as she is now. and what is important is the personality and character traits, that is real stuff, and that you're going to have to appreciate in your future spouse iyh.
(8/14/2009 10:27:46 AM)
to #78
its not a valid email maybe try another one that works!!!
(8/14/2009 10:29:40 AM)
from the answers
i see there are a lot of young people hurting and THIS GENERATION OF PARENTS HAS TO HELP AND SOON
(8/14/2009 12:00:32 PM)
Your turn will also come

The only true shadchan is Hashem, and I am sure when the time is appropriate, you will get married. In the meantime, as I can see you are maturing, and as you said 8 years on the shidduch scene probably means you have been out a number of times, you can use this time for self development. In our neighborhood in E.Y. there were unfortunately a number of older singles, from 25 to 30, whose parents in desperation formed their own local mishmeres. I am happy to tell you that 8 of the twelve singles were engaged in eight weeks! Amazing, but we don't need convincing that teffillos from the heart and all together with great achdus can work miracles. In any case, I can see that you are in pain and distress, but as it stands, there has to be a refocus in criteria, meaning that you are really not the same person you were eight years ago, and have been out with many people. This changes a person sometimes for the better. Don't try to be the 18 year old at 26 either on paper or in physical reality. And take all physical criteria of yourself out of it. You will be happier and better prepared to receive your true zivug. And by the way, none of those older singles married anyone the slightest bit disappointing to either themselves or their families. Your turn will also come. With Blessings from E.Y.
(8/15/2009 10:47:29 AM)
intimated? i think thats what bochurim are today! self confidence is needed to say i want this shiduch to work
(8/16/2009 11:40:08 AM)
to 12 / 39
it would be stupid and presumptuous to judge you, your character (or lack thereof), and issues strictly based on your comments.
but your comments are there, outrageously judgemental and so intellectually dishonest. It's amazing how much someone can make up about a person without having a clue who they are and just reading one or two thoughts they wrote.
(8/16/2009 3:48:25 PM)
I'll tell U why!!
Unbelievable!! Although I do not know you, YOU have a lot to learn about relationships!! Still young (late 20's). Perhaps, noone will ever be good enough for you?? You sound as though you are perfect, why would anyone would want to marry you? I wouldn't. It's great to be "beautiful" and the "complete package"etc if you born with these gifts It's NOT the outer appearance that makes a marriage work!! It's the INTERNAL qualities, (personality and character) You have it ALL WRONG!! Humility, loyalty, love etc communication/ compromises/ challenges etc A work in process that you do together!! It seems as though ur selfish and only concerned about yourself! If you continue to behave this way I believe you will always be alone. (By choice/ or not) Good Luck You have lots to learn!
(9/1/2009 5:37:54 PM)
like potatoes, the best stuff is in the ground!
(9/2/2009 2:25:27 AM)
Mystery of Marriage
I am a life- coach with 30 years of miles in the marriage.

I don't know "why" you and/or all of you are not in the relationships yet. However, below is what I do know.

1. G-d has a plan for you. Relax and let it unfold.
2. You will have a better chance to "attract" some one if you are "joyful" in your soul . Happy people attract happy people.
3. Know who you are. FInd your own passion and get involve with something that has meaning to you.

4. Stay away from "mean" people ...boys and girls...they are weak . Spend more time around people who share same passion and interests ...and who are productive.

In the end,
- be more of who you truly are
- trust the plan
-enjoy your life "as is" right now

(9/15/2009 2:46:53 PM)
There are young women whose whole profession is to perfect their bodies and looks to be photographed on magazines, filmed in movies and TV and etc. A chosid should not be watching all that. If he does - or if he was before tshuva, he will get a tzatzke, because his appearance standard becomes too high. But she is a Jewish girl after all so the years of marriage will be spend sorting out who she really is - and most probably she will turn up to be very good person - but both will live through the pain of being affected by mass media.

It is very important for a girl to take care of herself and her health but just don't overdue it - modeling is not your profession. It is important for a boy not to get addicted to looks - what are you watching, how long.
(9/29/2009 11:32:36 AM)
To 92*
I think you wrote the best thing yet!!!

Honest, practical, and so True!!

Thank you!!!
(10/15/2009 10:55:16 PM)
Nebbach case
Hi i know exactly what youre going through. I am also gorgeous, or so they say, and descend from many rabanim i am baruch hashem gifted with yichus and gezzhe and beauty. Oh, intelligence too. And regardless, I have not merited to find my shidduch yet! I am in despair. Im already 20 and all my friends are married i feel like an old maid!!! #10 and author, I totally understand and share in your pain. May we all find our shidduchim soon and live happy married lives
(10/17/2009 8:21:05 AM)
To the author:
I dont think you sound proud or boastful. But I think you could have phrased your statement in a way which would have reduced the chance of having it interpreted as such. I think you should have placed greater emphasis on the fact that you are trying to make the point that looks are not all it takes, and that it is to give your argument greater weight that you mention the fact that you are attractive, and therefore can speak from that perspective.

Having said that, I would like to caution you about the apparent extreme to which you take your point. It seems that you are saying that being attractive can still leave you single. This sounds reasonable. Then you go on to conclude that it MAKES NO DIFFERENCE if you have that model figure or not, whether you're beautiful or not. That is incorrect, at least because you yourself admit the importance of physical attraction in the first part of your article.

What you should have said, is that looks are important but not sufficient for success. Like with other qualities, it definitely MAKES A DIFFERENCE, just not all the difference.
(11/15/2009 5:29:41 AM)
To the Author - Well said
Plain and simple, I think you said what has needed to be said for quite a long time. It's too bad if some folks in the community can't handle hearing it, but that's not news; not everyone can deal with painful truths. And although it is not considered "good form' to acknowledge the simple fact that you can be good looking, have yichus and still have a life, for the purpose of this kind of article, I think it's important to say it.
Yasher koach.
(11/17/2009 9:53:51 AM)
Thank you... 97 - From the author
(11/23/2009 11:10:23 AM)
to # 66
You made me cry
I just find my self in that boat !
I am my self almost 24
and what we need is positive advice which are the REBBE'S way
Thank you!
And good luck to the author in finding your bashert very very soon.
(6/9/2010 8:41:49 AM)
To the author
I would be willing to go out with you. Please contact me through my shadchanit, Mrs. Lebovic in NJ: 973-849-6418. I will keep my name anonymous but if you say Rabbi Levin from Palo Alto, CA came in with me (he is my Rabbi, Mashpia and Friend) to interview around midnight, she will know who I am. I hope to get to meet you in person.

All the Best,
(9/2/2010 12:21:03 AM)
you can't buy guts!!
You people do not have a clue about unitity? if this person wants to be single until she is ready..Why not??
Most of you can't even find a mate for yourselves unless they are made out of money so you can hide on mommies and daddy's pocket..

Without your idiots would not stand a chance in turning a successful marriage even if G-d granted you a free phd degree...

sorry, you can buy love but you can't buy guts!!
and the girl who wrote the article has it...

(12/13/2010 2:21:55 AM)
Marriage: Impossible
One thing most everyone forgets is that a person actually has to MERIT a spouse. Sure, we know that one's "other half" was separated from him/her before birth, and it is up to each person to find their intended here on earth. However, not everyone does, as we know, and we really, really don't know why! Davening, tehillim, segluas, tzedakah--all have been done repeatedly, with no marriage forthcoming. Looks, intelligence, yichus and all the right qualities can be there, and still we see no positive results. Just as some are born handicapped in physical or emotional ways, or are suffering from illness, or have any detriment in their lives, not finding one's spouse is just the same.
Basically, all a person can do is continue davening and hope that Hashem will have mercy on them and change the "negative decree". I am not in my 20's or even 30's, but in my late 40's, and I still wait. And yes, I have good looks (at least for my advanced age!), intelligence, education, personality--you name it. I'm not too picky, am very tolerant, kind, loving, etc. but in all my years, no one has chosen to make me their spouse. Now it's just too late for a real family or any of the good things we see in those we hold in high esteem. Acceptance is all we can have.
(3/15/2011 6:42:00 PM)
Anyone who claims to be perfect or close to perfection of even a little bit better than others will always be alone and afraid.

Only G-d is perfect and only He can find us our appropriate life mate. If we earnestly and humbly seek what HaShem wants us to do, and what He wants us be be and wants us to be with and be married to we will never need to second guess what He wants for our lives. We must all walk in emuna bitachon, everything else is secondary.
(1/14/2012 11:31:46 PM)
nice article, . '
Dear one
so much has been said from all side and from all point. Some said it verynicely and some very abruptand without sensetivety ( english is not my language), I hope for every one to thing positive and to ecxept the other person, no matter what he things or sais, as long it is in our Chsidishe way, and Halacha . Please find the possitive. bless one onother for only good . less criticals will help for a wonderfull day, month ande years. be beshimch, forgive, forget and make the most to help and say indearing words. it was hard for me to read so much critisizm for such a nice wrritten article. may hashem sent each one the right Zivug very soon. be beshimcha always. and the simcha will brig more simcha and than the real simch of building a beatiful loving family. please lefargen, make life easy, happy. more patience will be worth waittng. hope to hear good new -besorot tovot. hashem wants for us only the best. and that is sometimes a delay. soon, let us know of a simcha. you are wonderfull. and all the writers did not mean to offend. thing possitive every thing works out for the best.
(5/22/2012 10:11:15 AM)
When I stood in line for dollars around 1989 I asked the Rebbe for a bracha to be a shadchan. The Rebbe answered, "We should hear good news."
If you are interested, I might be able to help you. My e-mail is Please include references and current picture.
(7/18/2012 7:35:56 AM)
To the outhor, I think I have a perfect shidduch for you
(9/30/2012 12:39:59 PM)
Are you looking for a shidduch? Do you know someone that is? Focus on building a Jewish home with your soul mate. If you are interested, please send a current shidduch profile, a picture and a contact number to
(12/12/2012 4:49:00 AM)
Too much detail. "factor"
Don't always read in-between the lines. Don't get discouraged. Don't discover so much. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Ask yourself how your judging your zivic. you might for instance be calling it off because they did't smile at you or because they looked bothered. Love them, and over look it.
(1/6/2013 1:35:12 PM)
Parents in laws
I just want to please please please warn all, have any of you thought about the in laws you will be having? You have no idea how wicked a mother in law cn be and how they can destroy you. Please please, just because someone learns, it doesn't mean they are kind. You must must look for kindness. Kindness is everything. If you have kind parents in law, that's the jackpot. Another excellent way of really knowing a person is to go to a GRAPHOLOGIST. This is an amazing way to save you so much heartache and you will know the complete persons makeup. I hav used Roxanne Perri in Miami . She is well known to the frum ommunity. Please please, the parents in law become part oif you when you marry. Look at them, look are they kind, are they crazy, yOu need to look at this. A person can come from good yech us, but it doesn't make them shows up in the handwriting and this is something all of you looking for your partner needs to be aware of. Kindness is what parents in law should be, but believe me, there are many who are not and uts too late after the wedding. The truth is in the handwriting.
(4/16/2013 10:34:32 AM)
Boruch Nissim Hoffinger HaKohaine... BS"D
Interesting article.
Before the 'bochorim' look for perfection, they should find the fault in themselves. They don't see it.
(5/2/2013 10:10:57 PM)
to the author. I am so sorry for the hateful comments you have received. My heart aches for you. Nothing comes before its time everything is from Hashem.
The Rebbe says just like a person should not say Cochi Veotzem Yodi for good things we should not say it about the bad things that happen to us either. HASHEM knows where we are and what we are doing and when He in is infinite wisdom is ready nothing will stop your besht. It should be now
(6/27/2013 9:56:26 AM)
another look
I am recently married. During my shidduch process, I was looking for one thing, my bashert. From the beginning, I was confident that I would recognize her when I met her; not instant, a flash, but as soon as we began to know each other, we would both know. So I said, "no" to this one and that one, not because there was anything wrong with them, frankly I have no idea if the woman I married is inherently, "better" than any other. I just know that she is mine.

Throughout the process, I went to the Ohel, asking only for one brucha in this area, that, "If she's the one, I will know it right away, and if she's not, I will know it right away." It worked out that way.

For the author and others in the process, you should find the right away and be untouched by all those who imply that, "no" means anything more than, "that was not the right one for me."
(1/11/2017 2:29:19 PM)
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