Jun 1, 2016
My Non Existent Shidduch Date

From the COLlive inbox: The Shadchan and her parents pressured her to meet - and then the bochur was asked...

The other week, on a Wednesday night, my parents called me up with a Shidduch idea.

It was the first one that they had approached me about. After describing the wonderful family the boy comes from, and his individual maalos, (great Middos and ambitious character), my mother wanted to hear what I thought.

After asking about his current position, of which I was informed, I was extremely hesitant to go forward.

Yes, the fact that he had all these incredible traits, several qualities I was looking for, and had extremely nice parents, you’re probably thinking, “So? Nu?”

Well, I couldn’t really put my finger on it. But I wasn’t so excited. Confirming that Sunday night would work for me, and noting the late hour, my parents suggested I sleep on the idea, and give them an answer the next day.

The next morning, I still wasn’t sure. This is my future - did I have to say yes, just because he was the first one?

It was hard even thinking about it, as the “other side” wanted an answer right away! Making a point, that they were looking into other ideas as well.

After a conversation with a close friend, I came to the realization that if I did go out, I still had the ability to say no.

And so after talking the Shadchan (who knows me very well), she suggested I write to the Igros Kodesh, to get an answer. Being pressed for time, working out of Crown Heights, I opted for faxing a letter to the Ohel.

In my brief letter, I asked the Rebbe for a Brocho that it should be as clear as day, whether or not he is for me. And so by 12:00 noon, on Thursday, my mother was able to tell the shadchan “yes.”

Needless to say, that over the next 24 hours, I “psyched” myself up. At 4 pm, when I called my mother to say “Good Shabbos”, she relayed the following:

After my mother had told the Shadchan yes, the Shadchan told the boy's parents I was willing to go out. And that was when they first approached their son about the idea.

Apparently, he was “upset” because he wanted to go away for the summer, and did not want to think about shidduchim until after, and had no idea his parents were looking into options for him.

How nice that he was upset - he wasn’t the one pressured into giving an answer, when we should have had his answer first.

A bit perplexed, the shadchan said she suggested to the other side, that she herself got engaged over the summer, and plenty of boys and girls date over the summer, while away.

The boy's parents said to wait until Motzei Shabbos, because maybe they could convince him otherwise. Motzei Shabbos came, and we never heard back.

I literally felt slapped in the face. All I can say is that I went through a lot of unnecessary stress, which could have all been avoided, had they been clear about their son’s status.

Some may think that the Shadchan is to blame, however she was under the same exact impression we were; that the boy had already said yes! Because that’s how it should be!

Now, as someone who hates seeing the worst in people, I rather try and find the best in people.

I know that he’s the oldest in his family, and it’s their first shidduch. So obviously, they were not completely aware how to play the game.

So, this is a reminder to all those who need it: If you have a young man you would like to set up with a young lady, please make sure that he is in full agreement to go out (with her) before she is told his name.

Some of you may be thinking, “Why are you stressing so much - it’s one date!” And others, “wow, a disaster avoided.” I will say one thing; the Rebbe gave me a clear answer.

I am not someone who writes and posts these kinds of articles after every experience. As you read above, I haven’t really had much experience. But I really wanted to make people aware about how much stress can be avoided by communicating with your children.

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Opinions and Comments
The rest should go smoothly
Good luck
(6/1/2016 11:35:46 PM)
get a grip
you have some growing up to do. This wasnt the end of the world. Dont over think this. You weren't "pressured" into giving an answer and had to endure all the stress" that comes with it. This is how it all works. plain and simple. dont stress it.
(6/1/2016 11:42:07 PM)
He was upset at the shidduch offer because "he wanted to go away for the summer"? Are you serious. What a nebach excuse, obviously this guy and any other guy or girl who has something that lame to say is definitely not serious/ready for marriage...and then we ask ourselves why there is a shidduch crisis. Let's first make sure that we are ready and wanting to look for the other half before getting involved with shidduchim and avoid wasting everyone's time and emotions.
(6/1/2016 11:46:15 PM)
That is the rule
The boy is asked and has to agree and do research first.

But honestly he may have been asked and then done research or aht not.... that is sometimes a nice way of saying no. Kinda like It's not you It's me.

Just shake it off and move on that's shidduchim. Glade your friends and faamily are there for you.
(6/1/2016 11:54:14 PM)
So beautiful to see how the Rebbe still guides even in this dark golus! Such a great hachana for gimmel Tammuz! I will share this story with my children who never met the Rebbe at the supper table. Ad mosai!!!!
(6/2/2016 12:06:28 AM)
why are we posting an article by someone who hasn't even been on a date yet.
(6/2/2016 12:06:32 AM)
Thank you!
May you find your beshert with clarity, easily, and great mazel, b'shaah tova u'mutzlachat!
(6/2/2016 12:06:34 AM)
You are a jewel. Go far in life and treat yourself and the world with peace and love.
(6/2/2016 12:08:44 AM)
I went through this myself and I couldn't agree more. Women - especially while in shiduchim - seem to be a lot more emotional and therefore the boy should definitely have heard about the idea before it's even mentioned to the girl!
(6/2/2016 12:09:01 AM)
It is obviously a mistake of the mother
but it's not only about girls finding out if the boy is ready it's also about boys finding out if the girl is ready. this could have happened in reverse.
In general, each side should be told
if the suggesting side is ready to go out or if they still need to do research
(6/2/2016 12:09:19 AM)
So? What is the message? SO he said he wasn't interested. okey dokes. Move on. unmet expectations? Welcome to life darling. Perhaps you need to widen your perspective a bit and do some growing up before you get an actual date.
(6/2/2016 12:16:00 AM)
Communication is key. Just talk and double check things over.
(6/2/2016 12:17:13 AM)
I agree!
I've been where this author is, not fun at all.
(6/2/2016 12:24:13 AM)
Simple solution the shadchan should insist on speaking directly to the boy /girl. If they're mature enough to be dating they don't need tatty n mommy micro managing every tiny aspect.
(6/2/2016 12:32:35 AM)
It's a 2 way street
Same thing can happen to me and I'm a guy
Please don't be biased and write the oped in a general matter not pointing fingers at any one gender
(6/2/2016 12:36:07 AM)
Welcome to the field!
It's their first shidduch and same with you. That's how it works. You'll get used to it.
(6/2/2016 12:39:15 AM)
Chill Pill
Don't Get emotionally attached to anyone before going out. Now, on to the next.
(6/2/2016 12:53:49 AM)
I understand and agree to all above
But why does the boy have to look in to her first when the girl will probably just say no
(6/2/2016 1:07:16 AM)
Uh oh maybe this wasn't a good idea.
The boy's parents will see it and know it was about them.

A "no" is not always a no in shidduchim. The parents might have waited the summer and asked their son if he was ready yet. He Very well might be!

Even if there is a no or even a mix-up the parents might have kept you in mind before you posted this!
(6/2/2016 1:14:27 AM)
Oh please
One side always has to go first.
(6/2/2016 1:15:40 AM)
It wasn't meant to be
Move on. Happened to my girls & it's OK - their loss.
(6/2/2016 1:20:49 AM)
Interesting but...
She says, "The Rebbe gave me a clear answer." I read the entire account as it's presented here. Where was the clear answer that the Rebbe gave?
(6/2/2016 1:51:57 AM)
So well written!
And so true. Wishing you should meet your Bashert very soon, and it should be clear and easy!
(6/2/2016 1:53:50 AM)
this is quite a dramatized miscommunication, buddy the world aint out to get ya
(6/2/2016 2:45:35 AM)
"Before she is told his name...."
I agree with the basic premise of the article, and I applaud you for standing up and speaking out for what you believe in. But the end of the article seems extremely chauvinistic
You were upset because you already agreed to date and the guy never even knew you were an option, and your only issue is that the roles should be REVERSED?
As a guy myself, I can tell you that there is a lot of stress and consideration that goes into the first date also. Guys should be granted the same level of respect and decency that you believe women should get.
I am no shadchan, and the perfect formula for setting people up is unbeknownst to me, but both sides feelings MUST be considered.
(6/2/2016 3:25:21 AM)
She's so right. In the Yiddishe tradition the boy has to agree first in line with Darko shel Ish Lachzor Achar
Isha. Unfortunately as secular standards takes over our community those traditions among others goes out the door.
(6/2/2016 3:46:52 AM)
I feel so bad for you. This is the worst that should ever happen to you!
(6/2/2016 4:17:19 AM)
it's not the boys fault
apparently it looks like this shadchan is using you as a trial, totally their fault
(6/2/2016 6:02:17 AM)
Thank you and much hatzlocha
I agree so much with your wise suggestion. At least do not take it too hard, expecting people to know what you think is appropriate doesnt always work. Not just in shidduchim. For some reason it is harder for a girl to hear a "no' , than for a boy. It is a fact. Hatzlocha.
(6/2/2016 6:15:02 AM)
Next time you are approached about as shidduch ask for the boys side to first confirm if they're interested before u look into it as you dont wasnt to go through this again. Also be sure to confirm with the shadchan that the boy himself has agreed and only then start your decision making. Sorry to hear you went through that. And being pressured because they're "looking into other options" is so wrong. Even if they might be, that should never be told to the girl. Either they think this is a good shidduch idea or they dont. Other girls should not be in the picture.
May you find your bashert soon and have clarity that its right!
(6/2/2016 6:53:00 AM)
Yehuda l g
I did write before and I am willing to meat this girl so who can help me to find out who she is please contact me on yl540@hotmail.com thanks a lot to all.
(6/2/2016 7:01:33 AM)
Why is the shadchin baming the other side? poeple get so many no so thety say ask if the girl is intreasted? if yes then you look into it. whats the big deal?
(6/2/2016 7:29:52 AM)
A few things I picked up
1) "This is my future" a decision to go on a random shiduch date is not a decision about your future. Like your friend wisely said, you can say no. Sometimes you can meet your shiduch on a train. That doesn't mean deciding to take a train is a big life decision.

2) That mom sounds very selfish and also very immature. She was not open with her 20ish year old son. That's sad.

3) you can't convince someone to date if they're not interested and you shouldn't take it personal. The issue here is a simple miscommunication between mother and son and she should let him make his own decisions.

4) So glad CHers have col so they can vent their personal issues
(6/2/2016 7:37:35 AM)
This is me
I have a sneaking suspicion this is regarding what happened with me, the story is very similar, and the dates match almost perfectly to my recollection.
I apologize for any negitive vibe this may have given you, but this really was a silly occurrence, as my summer plans are well known to those who know me, and I was very surprised to learn that my parents were looking into anything else for me to to do, including shiduchim which really was not on my mind at the time, and is more-less off the table untill after the summer, as this is a commitment i made a while ago, and am looking forward to doing. After the summer, ... So please understand that this was simply a matter of Miscommunication, and nothing more. I can't imagine what you must have felt, and I really apologize. .
(6/2/2016 7:55:55 AM)
To the author
every single decision, big and small can be stressful. You have to take it like a man and decide what you want. Don't blame everyone else. Things happen and you have to let it go. Instead of spending the time to compose this article, make up the sleep you lost pondering your BIG decision to date someone or not (big deal!).
(6/2/2016 8:01:09 AM)
I cannot understand you
A. The boy is not at fault here. His parents are, for not being communicative with him and making assumptions on his behalf.

B. You make fun of the boy for being upset that his parents are making decisions on his behalf without consulting him. Yet you are entitled to be upset at the way his parents treated you. Double standard much?

C. I am not sure why you've decided that the boy always does research first. It is extremely common for the girl's family to come up with the idea, do research, and then approach the boy's side.

D. Perhaps you should first date for a while and gain some perspective before writing articles and assuming you have it all figured out. Life isn't black and white, and you haven't experienced the nuance yet.
(6/2/2016 8:04:02 AM)
general and specific homework
i am married, and i married off several children. the first communication via shadchan should be general on both sides. is this shidduch a 'maybe'. if you learn that it is not even a 'maybe' you could both save a lot of time, emotion etc.

once you both learn that it is a 'maybe' you could both then invest the time effort and emotion into learning more about the other party.

this approach would have averted your scenario before any body got too invested.

At this point i would tell you DO NOT wait for him until after the summer. this has nothing to do with how your were treated, and everything to do with the way calendars work. It is now Iyar, after the summer means Elul, which is too close to yomtovim, which means cheshvan. so before you turn around you lost a half year.

Best wishes for the finding the guy who is looking for you since 40 days before yitziras havlad.
(6/2/2016 8:33:44 AM)
other side of the world
thanks may hashem be with you and help you always
(6/2/2016 8:34:53 AM)
to #34
If you really were not looking into shidduchim, shouldn't your parents know that??
The girl got pressured because "your parents" (if it really was them" put an immense amount of pressure to get an answer from the shadchan. That should NOT have happened if you were not ready to go out!
(6/2/2016 8:53:22 AM)
Most probably )99%) the boy was not interested and this is a nice way to say no
And so what? What do you care? It means that is not any good for you
Please , be smart , don't decide your life putting a letter in Igros
Go to the Ohel , daven , this is good , do mitzvos with more hidur , help people
Be patient that at the right time 100% that you are going to get married with the best for you and for him
(6/2/2016 9:06:57 AM)
Been through this many times
The whole shidduch process is full of stress. If This minor glitch, even before a date, is so upsetting then you are not ready to date. Most boys families have many girls families waiting to hear an answer as Shadchans send girls names and resumes without being asked. Unfortunately you can't expect "fair" and easy sailing in this process.
(6/2/2016 9:19:06 AM)
Been there
Had that happen to my son twice. It's not only the girls these things happen to.
(6/2/2016 9:30:29 AM)
Same happened to me!
I could have written this story years ago. And guess what, a few months after the summer the boy felt he was ready to start with shiduchim. I was not married or dating yet so I decided to give it a try, after all it had nothing to do with him. I won't lie. I was very mad at his mother. Fast forward a few years and we are happily married, built a beautiful family and I have a GREAT relationship with my Shviger!!
Good luck to you! Remember your priorities when you choose your life partner :)
(6/2/2016 9:33:19 AM)
Jump in the lake.
I'm not gonna make a single phone call about a girl before i know that she is wiling to at least do the same.
(6/2/2016 9:46:22 AM)
Shiddach etiquette
There are no hard and fast rules. Usually, both sides are approached, parents investigate, and often the kids are only told when/if the parents think there is even something to pursue. Why would I want to bother my daughter/son about every single name suggested, unless it seems likely? Also, why give the boy all the info (profile, etc.) about the girl, without knowing if the girl's family is even interested? Then you would complain that all the boys know your info, even tho they were boys that you had no interest in dating! the main point I get from the article, is a lesson for the WRITER. you cannot control others. you cannot control how things are done, even when everyone tries their best to be 'nice' and proper. You can choose to quietly learn a lesson from everything you go through in life, and you sound like a very earnest, sincere, lovely girl. What lesson did Hashem want YOU to learn from this experience? Why do we always look outward, the minute something goes wrong in our lives. We look who is at fault, and then have to write an oped to collive to change everyone else! The poor girl is not at fault, the shaddchan SOUNDS like she is not at fault, the boys family is only doing what everyone tells them to do: look for a good girl and if you find one that is probable, then approach your son and ask if he is interested. no one is at fault; it was just bad timing/not meant to be/or not yet/misunderstanding... a learning experience for 2 sets of inexperienced moms. the boys family erroneously thought he would be willing to date quickly before summer vacation; thus the pressure to answer quickly! i wish you success and happiness in future. In all these hard shiddach experiences, try to relax and remember that Hashem sends it all, the good, the bad, it was all meant to happen to you. It is a ladder of growth and experience. Happy climbing!
(6/2/2016 9:54:19 AM)
It was meant to be
It is a test and a lesson from g_d
(6/2/2016 9:58:56 AM)
Ask the Igros?!
Since when did the Rebbe ever say to ask a question via the Igros?! Who made this thing up?!

The Rebbe said to ask A mashpia, "Yedidim Mevinim", or davening at the Ohel.

Who made up this Igros thing??!!
(6/2/2016 9:58:59 AM)
Dating coach really helps
There is a therapist in Miami who does dating coaching by phone. My shadchan sent me. He really helped me find clarity when I was confused. I think the first conversation is free (I only needed 1). His name is Rabbi Shmuel Druin. You can look him up.
(6/2/2016 10:10:02 AM)
To # 44
The phone research was done of course.
It was that his parents never asked him about doing shiduchim.
(6/2/2016 10:13:06 AM)
to the Author
While saying the he "wanted to go away for the summer", was a poor excuse on the bochur's behalf. It seems his parents, and your parents, are the ones at fault here. Just like you were upset over being pressured, so was he. You are failing to see his side of the picture, and unfortunately that is a very bad trait in regards to dating.
(6/2/2016 10:22:00 AM)
Rabbi Hillel said:
"That which is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow. That is the whole Torah; the rest is the explanation; go and learn."

Have COMMON DECENCY, people! It's not that hard, if you really try...
(6/2/2016 10:51:44 AM)
Getting upset?
You havent seen a thing yet.I had some shadchan push for a guy.Just couldn't come up with a date and suddenly he pulled out and said it's not for him.The "wonderful" caring shadchan also disappeared and the only one I look at is this obnoxious,uncaring shadchan who thought she's some diva.That's how it is.There are some neutral girls and guys out there,There are rejections and nos and all sorts of things.You have to "man up" and move on.Easier said than done.Sorry but you don't seem ready to go out and neither does the boy.It's very apparent.tell your parents to stop pushing.
(6/2/2016 10:59:29 AM)
new world
singles need to be directly involved themselves..parents should be minimally involved
(6/2/2016 11:54:19 AM)
one better
I was approached by a family via they wanted me to go out with their son,we looked into it , said yes and a date was set up, for a m. shabbos, erev shabbos the shadchan calls to say the mother wants to see me on shabbos , np I agree to stand in 770 in the spot she allocated , the second shabbos was over the phone rings to call the whole thing off. this happened 25 years ago, For those wondering I was slim , dressed very tznius in expensive clothes and pretty.... I just shrugged said your loss and moved on. he got married , 25 yrs on she hasn't aged very well, and I'm married to a tzaddik and bh have a beautiful family and in shadduchim with my child now. lesson learned dont stress so much everyone , it's all a process and stop being so overly sensitive . Hashem has it all worked out , it's just gonna happen at the right time .
enjoy the ride , as we are , we laugh at it all , it's quite funny sometimes how rediculous it / people can be :)
(6/2/2016 12:17:14 PM)
Be nice
I have tears in my eyes... not for the girl's story about the boy who didn't want to date yet ... but for the unpleasant way some of you are writing to this young girl, an innocent who was hurt by what happened, who wants to share this to inform others, and now she has to read negative and hurtful comments about herself as well? Does it ever end?
(6/2/2016 12:26:34 PM)
welcome to the world of dating
while it may not be right, get over it. as you have a lot of disappointment ahead of you
(6/2/2016 1:07:12 PM)
Not the biggest deal, but the point is there
Find out if your son or daughter is ready for you to start looking!! BEFORE YOU START LOOKING
(6/2/2016 1:41:40 PM)
I've been there
I have a different viewpoint.

1) Many times parents and children do not communicate well with each other. They need to work on it, but as an outsider, it's not your problem.

2) Now a days many people are extremely challenged when it comes to making, and more importantly, keeping commitments. If this young man can commit and actually keep his commitment that is fabulous.

If you feel you are ready to try meeting someone else, go for it. If nothing happens when the end of the summer comes around I encourage you to see if this guy is interested. Sometimes the people could be right but the timing is off.

(6/2/2016 1:50:15 PM)
The lack of compassion and empathy for the author is truly sad. I think she was very refined and balanced in her communication. Shidduchim isn't easy, and there is a basis in daas torah to get a boy's OK first--his OK, not his mother's. Also, it's hard on all sides, maybe there was a misunderstanding in the boy's family. I think a call to keep something in mind to be more sensitive is a good idea. Desensitizing ourselves to poor treatment in shidduchim, whether intentional or not, isn't a good idea either. And being compassionate and empathetic to the writer is not condemning the other party at all. IMHO Shame on us in general for being so callous to this article.
(6/2/2016 2:02:32 PM)
Morals of the story:
1) Parents speak to your children. If they're ready to get married then they're ready enough for you work WITH and ALONGSIDE them.

2) I agree with the suggestion (made by quite a few) that shadchonim should contact boys and girls or young men and women directly. If they're ready to get married then they're ready enough for you work WITH and ALONGSIDE them.
(6/2/2016 3:03:17 PM)
Every thing is Hashgacha Protis!
Like you said, the answer was clear. You got the bracha to understand that this boy was not for you..but you also got a taste of the experience (however unfair) of what goes on and that in itself will put you in a readier place for a shidduch when the next one comes your way.
By the way, the details in this article match very closely to what I just experienced so like the bochur who apologized above, I apologize too, in case it was me...
I feel I wouldn't be giving any girl a fair dating time if I were involved in my summer obligations, nor would I be giving the job my best like I want to...
I agree there was poor communication involved and I thank you for bringing it to the attention of the public..
It's a very valid and important point that you made!
I wish you Hatzlacha in all that you do!
(6/2/2016 3:07:50 PM)
When posting a comment no need to be rude or mean! You may not agree but clearly our young lady here was hurt. She is beginning her dating experience with the goal of marriage & seriously contemplating her future.Be kind, be sensitive but no need to be mean.
Hatzlocha to the author of this article. May the journey be an easy and fast one.Simchos!!!
(6/2/2016 3:08:41 PM)
this article is a simple example of miscommunication. But, common girl, stop getting over emotional over such a petty thing. You never dated before and your excitements were let down but don't write an aritcle about that! I know for girls to write articles criticizing boys behaviors is cool these days, but this is so stupid. It's ironic that the person "who sees the good in people" went out of her way to find a problem with the shidduch system.
Finally, the problem with writing such articles is that you diminish the severity of the real issues with shiduchim and make all issues look silly.
(6/2/2016 4:05:48 PM)
be ready for disappointment
and if your date really turns out as it was described then you will be pleasantly surprised I know that from my own experience a date comes a date go just like the BUS it's always a next one be strong never give up hope.
(6/2/2016 5:46:13 PM)
Comment 2
Being a married man, all I can say is that this girl is extremely brave for writing this article., And she is one thousand percent right. Parents should communicate with their children, and should only say yes to the shadchan if there kids said yes. And comment 2, it's a disgrace if u think that's normal.
(6/2/2016 6:00:53 PM)
Its life
Get over yourself and move on BIG DEAL he was going away for the summer people are allowed to go away i don't understand the stress this is life honeybunch. You're making it seem as if someone died c''v!
(6/2/2016 6:02:50 PM)
Faxes get answered?
You opted for faxing a letter to the Ohel asking for a Brocho that it should be as clear as day, whether or not he is for you. And so by 12:00 noon, on Thursday, my mother was able to tell the shadchan “yes.”

Did your fax get an answer that made it "as clear as day" that he is for you?
(6/2/2016 6:33:26 PM)
Mazal Tov
The custom WAS that the boy is asked first.
If he says yes, then the girl is asked.
But since Shidduchim got much more complicated today, the process evolved into two stages.
Both sides are given the names. Each side is asked in the following manner.
Are you interested in looking into this name.
If one side is not interested, then there is no Shidduch, obviously.
If both sides say yes, then we go to the next step.
Each side looks into the name, which means that now you start the real research, whereas before it was quick and superficial research, or maybe just deciding that, yes, it might be a good name to look into.Now that both sides are interested in pursuing each other, both sides start their research.
If both sides did their research, and they agreed, then you have a Shidduch date. But really this is also very abstract, and not practical at all in this day and age.What we really do when we want to try and pull a Shidduch through, is approach the side that we think, is going to be harder to convince, and we start there. Today, none of the rules work, unfortunately.
So what do we do when we want to make a Shidduch really happen? We have to start convincing both sides that the other side wants, when the reality is that neither side wants,YET! But if there is a good Shaddchan, and a good friend in the middle of the story, THE SHIDDUCH, actually happens.
So I want to wish this nice young girl Hatzlacha Rabba.You should find your Bashert quickly and easily.
And one word of advice:
Tell your parents not to tell you a name until there is a YES, from them, not a yes to look into him, but a yes to meet!

(6/2/2016 7:02:53 PM)
Same thing happened to me!!!
In s way I'm relieved to see that I wasn't the only person it happened to. I took it personally. This is a disgrace to bochrim and their parents that feel they are superior and can play with emotions of the girl. In no other circle does this happen. The boy is asked first and when he gives a yes the girl us asked so not to offend the girl.
(6/2/2016 9:02:04 PM)
Welcome to the world
You are agreeing to see him not to marry him. Dont get emotionally involved before you even meet him!
You'll just be in for alot of dissapointments... unfortunately
I understand that it was a stress, i remember when i first started going out... but then you grow up and realize the world is much bigger than you and me and the way things happen are just how Hashem wants them to be. So learn from your past, don't dwell and feel the need to announce it.
(6/2/2016 10:42:51 PM)
BH We always say "Baruch Hash-m".
When we are young, our feelings are tender and we sometimes can't "know what's flying". We must pay careful attention to our "intuition" which is such an amazing gift from Hash-m. Never ignore it.

The whole experience isl
(6/3/2016 12:27:48 AM)
Happened to me too
And I'm sorry. You're 100% correct and I appreciate you taking the time to write this. Great job
(6/3/2016 12:31:13 AM)
BH We always say "Baruch Hash-m".
When we are young, our feelings are tender and we sometimes can't "know what's flying".. Pay careful attention to your "intuition" which is such an amazing gift from Hash-m. Never ignore it.

Instead of asking Hash-m, " Why did I have to go through this?", try to realize that when the emphasis is on Ahavas Yisroel, we need not negatively judge the other as much as we need to choose something else for ourselves. It can be agonizing for some people. NO ONE SHOULD EVER FEEL REJECTED IN THE SENSE THAT ONE MUST THEREFORE BE INADEQUATE OR INFERIOR IF A SHIDDUCH DOES NOT WORK OUT.

When a name is reat (sp?), it is an opportunity to do a spiritual favor - - pray for the person, look with a "good eye", and when appropriate, say something nice to the Shadchan about the person. Better yet, suggest someone who might be a good match (to the shadchan, of course). Love is a verb, and this will help both of you to go forward.

Also, there is a set of books translated into English, which is filled with excellent advice regarding shidduchim, preparing for the wedding and building a lasting marriage.If someone could please provide the title, it would be much appreciated.

Much hatzlacha to everyone.
(6/3/2016 2:16:24 AM)
BH We always say "Baruch Hash-m".
Continued from last version sent.

The title of the volumes about shidduchim, preparing for the wedding and building an everlasting edifice from writings by the Rebbe and translated into English is ETERNAL JOY. It is must reading for everyone involved in any way with shidduchim. Following the Rebbe"s advice will help immensely. Parents should review these volumes before the children are born!
(6/3/2016 4:23:03 AM)
Clear answer
The clear answer is that the boy said no
(6/3/2016 11:36:32 AM)
The funniest thing...
Would be if they got married!
#34 maybe try again after the summer?
And let us know if ti works out:)
(6/3/2016 3:01:06 PM)
49 yr in the hood
bh gam zu la tova
she should be very happy
all is good , yes the Rebba gave her a clear answear
(6/5/2016 10:20:56 AM)
pressure is poison
Never should there be pressure in the shidduch process. It poisons everything. It pressures people to make decisions before they have thought things through. It can take more than a couple of days to decide to go out with someone. Let the dater have their space to get more information and to THINK! What does it matter if you take a couple of days to decide to feel comfortable with going out with someone? And for marriage - what does it matter if you take a few more weeks to think about and get to feel comfortable making a decision that is going to last a lifetime? Probably some broken engagements and marriages wouldn't happen if people wouldn't feel pressure. People also shouldn't be pressured into accepting a job. It is my belief that if someone feels pressure, it probably means something is wrong with the circumstance, middos or thinking process of the party doing the pressuring. Whenever I have been pressured to take a job quickly, I suffered from the the speech and actions of the boss at that job. Doesn't that make sense?
(7/14/2016 11:56:42 PM)
Adjusted values
Now who says that writing to the Igeres is wrong????!!!!! There is precedent with from Chassidim from Russia who communicated by thought with the previous Rebbe after he left the former Soviet Union and these Chassidim had no other choice. The method of connection to the Rebbe is a personal matter not to be dictated by someone else who may have a different perspective on how to connect to the Rebbe. Davening at the Ohel is fine, but don't say that someone else's value system is incorrect when yours may be the one that is deficient
(8/11/2016 8:20:54 PM)
Hashem is Protecting you
My mashpia told me very wise words. Whenever a shidduch falls through, it is Hashem's way of protecting you.
(It was at a time I was upset a wonderful shidduch fell through for a family member; I discovered two yrs later that the boy had major anger and control issues)
I don't know why you had to go through this experience, but may this be the only hardship you endure in shidduchim and in the merit of you agreeing to the Rebbe's advice with Kabolos Ol, may you find our true zivug easily and smoothly! Much Hatzalocho!!
(11/27/2016 11:39:08 AM)
You Are A Brave Chassidishe Dugma Chaya
I really appreciate your sharing this personal story to help others. You did all that you could to act in a tznius, kind and chassidish way. Your efforts will be successful. The bochur may even be your Bashert but he was not ready. I know of girls where names came up multiple times until the couples went out and did get married. Your strong hiskashrus to The Rebbe will guide you for true happiness.
This story reveals how in shidduchim the boys and girls must have a mahspia to help the process.
May we dance at your wedding b' shaha tova u mutzlachas.
(12/28/2016 11:03:51 AM)
It's not a gender issue
A girl did the same thing to me.
It hurt, and I got over it. Lol
(1/8/2017 4:22:29 PM)
Stop listening to Paul Simon
Not having grown up frum, I know some of what I'm about to say may have been redundant for previous generations. But I have a feeling that for this generation it may be needed. Singer Paul Simon wrote a song with the line; "I knew a woman...became a wife. These are the very words she uses to describe her life!" He meant it as a slam against marriage, but it's actually a powerful and positive truth. When you're single, you're "just" a man or a woman. A man drinks and fights. A woman dances and decorates. When you marry you become a New Thing: a husband and father, a wife and mother. You must both be ready to shed the cocoon of youth and learn to fly together as this new metzius...a family, combining your masculine and feminine characteristics into one. When you BOTH accept this, with Hashem's Help everything will fall into place, !
(11/3/2017 12:43:24 PM)
To those posters who attacked and gave over callous responses you know who you are and need your middos checking. There is a right and wrong way to do a shidduch process its not just then ends but the means too has to be kosher and that means being sensitive to each others times and feelings and shadchanim you have a duty to try and be on top this so this situation doesn't reoccur. Sorry Op you had to go through this. Hatzlacha
(12/9/2017 8:24:49 PM)
I wish you good luck in your search
The Rebbe has ways of giving answers!
(12/24/2017 10:04:37 AM)
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