As we are nearing Shavuos, allow me to use a Dvar Torah to clarify a point I am trying to make about bochurim and girls not finding their prospective Shidduch.
It says in Gemarah Sanhedrin (page 22) that the task of forming a Shidduch is as difficult as the splitting of the Red Sea.
Did you ever ask yourself what is the connection? Here is an interesting explanation I once heard.
The Red Sea did not split when the brave Nachshon Ben Aminadav jumped in. The water only parted when it reached his nose, when it was an eminent risk to his life. As it says in Tehillim “for water has come up to my soul.”
The same in with a Shidduch, as in the Red Sea.
To reach the goal you might need to “dampen” the Yichus factor. Consider accepting a shidduch that might not be from a specific background. Face reality and come to terms with your “swimsuit.”
You may need to jump in, take the risk and get used to a new environment – this may be what will bring you to the promised land.
#9: is a girl not successful if she’s the scientist? lawyer? accountant? not he artist, singer, etc?
1) If – chas v’shalom v’chas v’shalom – the Shadchan has no husband, no children, no grandchildren, is not looking for her own Kedushin, and has no obligations nor parnassah other than this, then it might make sense to be displaying the levels of hostility, frustration, and lack of empathy shown here. (Would you really want such a Shadchan, who never had a family of her own? I would hope that your answer is “it depends on the individual circumstances” – a useful outlook in many related areas.) Do not forget… a successful Kiddushin is her job. She will be… Read more »
In the goyishe world, prospects are advised to pay attention to how the other treats the waiter to discern “character”. It seems that in the Chabadnik frum world, it’s much simpler: a Shadchan need only pay attention to the family’s interaction with her – or about her to others – to get an EXCELLENT idea of what will be married into. Better than Yichus – practical, first-hand knowledge of middos, values, environment, and, of course, latent psychological problems. “This one has eaten right, gone to all the right schools, can trace their ancestry back to Avraham Aveinu with Kohanim Gedolim… Read more »
Kudos to your excellent comment. It mentioned that once a Baal Teshuva Bochur was seriously dating a Girl from a Gezha family. The father of the girl went into the Rebbe and expressed his concern if this particular Bochur was “worthy”of his Daughter, considering his background. The Rebbe’s response was “and I wonder if she is worthy of him. WOW! I think this should be presented to all FFBS, No discrimination against BTS. They make the lovliest of people. Signed, BEEN THERE DONE THAT! All 3 of my married children(FFBS) married into BT families and K”AH B”H are happily married.… Read more »
Just a gentle reminder to the singles or parents of singles. When Hashem puts the “idea” into someone’s head and the shadchan stops playing with her child, or cooking for a new mother, or driving carpool, or making Shabbos, or just came home from work and stops to call you with an idea… please remember, he/she is just a shaliach. He/she stopped to call to tell you an idea. If you were unavailable, just call back, ask if they are available, and THANK THEM for thinking of you. And shadchans, if you are married/working/busy time of your life and don’t… Read more »
a shidduch is as hard as Krias Yamsuf,but before that comes the 10 makos that we have to go thru until we get there,so figure if you went thru 10 bouts of agmas nefesh, you’re just about getting there.
I’m personally requesting on not only mine, but of other girls behalfs too – when you hear a name of a girl, please, instead of saying, “I’ve heard that name before”, or “I’ll put it on the list”, give us a chance! Look into the name as properly as it deserves. Even if you have in the past heard a negative thing or two about her- B”H, we are all human, we all have our flaws, and maybe what you heard wasn’t even true?? Clarify if you want by asking references, not just a friend who dated the girl. I… Read more »
This OP ED is enigmatic at best insulting at worst. 1) it dosent considder the biases of the Shadchanim 2) The Biases of the Parents Who is the intended audience? To presume that people don’t get married because of their yichus is unidirectional and not a complete truth. More often then not SHADCHANIM are agents of social norms or in other words, “gate keepers” of what is seen as status quo in CH. more often than not the Shadchanim do not reflect on their own biases, but their own own biases are reflected in the shiduchim they suggest. As such… Read more »
You deserve a big yasher Koach for TRYING to make Shidduchim. Keep up the good work and don’t get burnt out. The world needs more people like you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
when people looking for shidduchim say they want yichus its often not because of the name but rather that girls and boys who were brought up in a frum chasidisher home by parents who were also brought up in frum chassidisher homes often have a certain derher that others dont. and those brought up by bt parents have differnt feeling that others dont. This isnt to put down any type. just admit that there are different types of families in lubavitch and that each type should marry similar. Im not just stam talking, im married to someone with a very… Read more »
May your matches be more appropriate than your “vertelech”.
You love and respect us! Are you kidding! We are not perfect and you were not respectful. This is hard for the Mothers too We cant wait to see you married. All the brochos to you and may hear many many many mazeltovs.
I am so sorry. I admit I was wrong. I didn’t have all my information and facts straight.
This is article is essentially FLAWED because it is addressed to the victims (the bochrim and girls)!!! Who makes the calls and decisions in the first few years of torture in the poor girl’s dating life? It’s the uptight, square, and backward MOTHERS. For trivial and silly thing, or sometimes for IMPORTANT things like yichus they skip over some very normal and healthy prospective matches. Or for things that the mother “knows” is so important they turn down bochrim that might just work for the girls. So this should be addressing mothers, the person making the pre dating decisions, not… Read more »
yaakov avinu or his brother eisav?
Try making one shidduch than we will talk.
Yichus?! Yichus is WHAT YOU ARE and what YOU accomplish in you life, that’s YOUR Yichus, not what your father,grand father or great grand father.
How about an apology?
We need to (re) learn how to say sorry, I made a mistake.
Come on #10, you can do it.
your success is in the marriages that you’ve helped create.
i only wish i could have such a zchus
ignore the nasty comments, the proof is in the pudding.
good luck!!
NO ONE DIVORCED. THANK G-D. WE’RE NOT SHADCHANITE. WE GET NO MONEY. NOT A DIME.
I REMEMBER MANY YEARS AGO, THE FATHER OF A GIRL WHO WAS GOING OUT SERIOUSLY WITH A WONDERFUL BOCHUR WHO HAD ONE FAULT, HE WAS A BAAL TESHUVA.THE GIRL WAS FROM A “GESHE” HOME AND THE FATHER WENT IN TO THE REBBE FOR YECHIDUS AND BEMOANED THE FACT THAT HE WONDERED IF THIS BOCHUR IS DESERVING OF A GIRL LIKE HIS DAUGHTER, AFTER ALL LOOK AT THE DIFFERENCE IN THE BACKGROUNDS. AND THE REBBE’S RESPONSE WAS “AND I WONDER IF SHE IS WORTHY OF HIM!”
I would like to know who you are so that I could get in touch with you.
– A 28 year old girl without “yichus.”
And He returns His calls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sounds like you are trying to justify your parnassa. A 26 year old deciding who to date is not in their best interest?? I sure hope the system is fixed by the time my children are in the “shidduch parsha”! Let me ask you, how many of the couples you have fixed up are now divorced?
THANK YOU TO THE WRITER, IT TAKES A LOT OF GUTS TO WRITE ABOUT THIS ISSUE. ITS NOT THAT SIMPLE, ITS A COMPLEX SUBJECT. I CORRESPOND WITH OVER 300 FAMILIES. AS I SEE IT THERE ARE SEVERAL ISSUES HERE LEAST BEING FFB WANTING A SIMILAR KIND OF FAMILY. ONE PIECE OF THIS COMPLEX PUZZLE IS THE SINGLES SPEAKING TO THEIR FRIENDS ABOUT SOMEONE THEY WENT OUT WITH. I SEE MANY SHIDDUCHIM RUINED BECAUSE OF THIS. WE HAVE MORE “CHILLED BOYS THEN GIRLS. ITS EASIER TO BE A “GOOD GIRL” THAN A “GOOD BOY”. THE PRESSURE ON OUR BOYS IN THE… Read more »
Am inspired! I do not know who you are but I am sure you are a wonderful Shadchan!
Keepup the great and holy work!!!!
Maybe up to the nose means when you phone the shadchan over and over and over, and leave messages which do not get returned.
Maybe it means that if you do actually get through to the shadchan (probably because he/she thought you were someone else), you are told, “I’ll call you right back” and they never do.
Maybe it means if you actually get to speak, you are told, “i don’t have any names, but if you tell me a name, I will make the call for you.”
V’ain l’harich bedovor hamitza’er!!
i just learned on the first page of sotah, that kashe kkrias yam suf only applies to a second shidduch. close your book and return your calls
Whats The connection?
it was up to his neck
You & other Shadchanim should actually consider doing your job that you volunteered to take upon yourself You talk about the Inyan of Yichus? How about thos of us without it? You will not even think about it most of you won’t seriously consider someone who doesn’t or lie to us about a prospect not return calls, tell us you can’t or won’t help! Do your job right without Kunsim bias etc.!
Ain Keshser klal U’Klal…
….sweet