Feb 2, 2015
Restore Humanity to Dating
Illustration photo: Chana Blumes Photography

From the COLlive inbox: A single Chabad girl has 2 simple suggestions to help be more sensitive in all matters of dating.

By anonymous

The other night I was speaking with a friend on the phone, and she mentioned she often gets reference calls for her co-worker. A woman called her and said, "Is she 'nerdy?' From what I've been hearing she sounds like a 'nerdy' girl."

That brought to mind a reference call I took for a friend wherein the person on the other end of the line kept asking "Is she normal? But really, tell me, is she normal?" I was quite bothered when hearing this terminology used, especially as someone who is navigating the dating world myself.

People have feelings and in the dating world sometimes it feels like the only way to survive is by placing an impenetrable shield over our emotions. We are told to "not take anything personally" and "move on because it wasn't bashert."

But rejection is painful, specifically when the response is "no" before the individuals get a chance to meet and determine if the relationship is something he/she wishes to further pursue.

I would like to suggest that as a community, we try earnestly to be more sensitive in all matters of dating.

1. Let's try not to cast judgement immediately.

When you meet someone, do your best to control your facial expressions when you ask someone how old they are. Nobody wants to feel unworthy of marriage because they are past the age of 25. If you discover information and have a specific reaction to it, make your own decision with it, don't force someone to answer an uncomfortable question which may have negative repercussions on the individual.

Often people have family history that is troubling yet no fault of their own and he/she and he/she has been faced with the challenge of leading the best life possible despite their past. Let's not punish people for their circumstances, let's look at person for who they and what they have to offer.

2. Let's try our best to put a little less emphasis on physical and material factors.

As difficult as it can be, let's look at people as just that: people with emotions, needs, life history and beautiful qualities to share with a spouse and the world- not a waist size, date of birth, height or hair color.

I understand the need for research, and I understand that people want to go into a date hoping there will be compatibility based on that research. However if the research is kept to personality traits and nothing else I believe it will set the individuals up for a successful date; as opposed to cluttering one's mind with many different thoughts and scenarios before the date takes place.

Everyone has his or her own concept of beauty and attractiveness. When dating, it is crucial to remain focused and not get hung up on insignificant details. I feel that when we restore humanity and sensitivity to dating single people will feel more hopeful about finding their other half than uncertainty and despair.

And one last note:

For all those who make a genuine effort to think of people and set people up in a caring and concerned manner: thank you, your work and time is truly appreciated.

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Opinions and Comments
Heart warming
Very well said, that is so nice.
I'm so glad you wrote this article and pointed this out!
(2/2/2015 11:29:57 PM)
Good for you!
This article is right on target.
As you say, everyone has his or her own concept of beauty and attractiveness. When some singles say they will only marry somebody "drop dead gorgeous," this sometimes turns away shadchanim, or their friends and acquaintances who might make a shidduch for them. Just as the singles need to stay focused on important things, the would-be matchmakers shouldn't take their word for it, and give up, when they say what they "must" have in terms of appearance. Years ago, one boy we tried to fix up was picky, picky, and claimed to only want the most gorgeous girl, who we couldn't find for him. He finally married a girl who was quite attractive, except one of her features stood out as unusually, strikingly unattractive. But he was mad about her, and they're living happily ever after KA"H... Another tall, fine boy wanted a tall, slim beauty queen. Who did he marry, after dating dozens of girls? -- A short, plump girl with a beautiful face and an inner warmth and loving-kindness that was truly outstanding. They, too, are living happily ever after B"H. There was just now a story printed where the Rebbe asked a certain older boy why he wasn't married yet. The boy pulled out a list from his pocket of the qualities he was looking for in a girl and showed it to the Rebbe. The Rebbe looked at the list and smiled at the boy, and said to him, "This is a list for someone who is perfect. Since you aren't perfect, throw away the list!" The boy got married. I wish good, happy, healthy shidduchim, as well -- good fits between the girl and boy, and good family fits as far as possible -- for the girl who wrote the post and for all Jewish singles, ASAP!
(2/3/2015 12:00:52 AM)
What do you expect?
You expect these immature girls to get "married" they will have immature questions.
There needs to be a reset button on shadchanim I have friends in CH that are officially "big" shadchonim however the amount of distinction I hear about is insane! I feel really bad for all those parents and especially for those singles that don't know any better ...
(2/3/2015 12:54:51 AM)
Beautifully written - well said
Another point:
I think there should be a "plead the fifth" option when people are called as references and the caller asks inappropriate questions or phrases them off-mark.
May you and all others seeking, find their bashert easily and quickly.
(2/3/2015 1:18:26 AM)
What is normal?
This community is so shallow. Unfortunately, I have heard the infamous "Is she normal" question so often. What does that even mean? Go on the date, and see for yourself if the persons level of "normalcy" works for you.
(2/3/2015 1:27:52 AM)
whoever you are - thank you!!!!
Sadly shidduchim has become increasingly difficult. Things that were never acceptable has become "the only way".
We do way too much digging, it's like a legitimate “yenta feast” and regardless of how we spin it, we are merely fooling ourselves.
People easily forget that nobody is perfect and when they are searching for the "perfect" person they set themselves up for failure.
It's merely a question of allowing Hashem to bring forth your bashert. Unfortunately too many people who are otherwise true believers seem to fall short when in comes to finding their zivug.
If we keep in mind that our bashert has already been decided and we merely have to allow Hashem to make it happen the whole scene would be much improved.

Calling people on lists is silly ¬ - if you do not know who your calling how can you gauge their responses? Intelligent means different things to different people.
As does kind .. great personality..etc.
If you know and trust the person you are asking then that should be sufficient. There is no need to make ALL the calls on the list.
Be comfortable with the person acting as shaddchan if you are not that can complicate the process unnecessarily.
Sensitivity is the key when it comes to dealing with shidduchim. If this is lacking find someone who is sensitive to deal with. The sensitivity goes both ways…..
from shaddchan to those searching and the other way around.

One last word – the idea that deep research is needed because unfortunately r’l we are seeing too many failed unions is also not clear cut. Oftentimes our priorities and “lists” were faulty.

My fervent hope is that everyone finds their bashert – this will surely speed up Moshiach’s arrival.

p.s. let’s not turn this into a bashing forum………let’s keep this constructive and positive.
(2/3/2015 1:29:19 AM)
Aren't you happy people reject you
If they're rejecting you before a meet, why the heck would you want to even attempt to live a life with them, there's better people out there that would be perfect for you. Move on and thank them for setting out their intentions straight away, it will cause many less problems down the line.
(2/3/2015 1:53:10 AM)
Not holding my breath...
I always knew I would never get married, because I heard of all sorts of horrible things about my family from shadchonim and potential shidduchim at a way too young of an age. I love my family, but yes, we have genuine problems that we struggle with. It truly is horrible, as a younger child, to have to sit and watch my beloved older siblings be devastated by the super-judgmental types and know that I face the same sort of treatment when its my turn.

I wish we had a Rebbe, someone who could take action against the big mouths. Some people "try their best", but "trying one's best" is never enough to prevent the rich and famous from gossiping while selectively cherry-picking spouses for their own privileged children.

When people slander an entire family's reputations, ultimately its the entire family who must deal with some unlucky adult son or daughter, brother or sister, who ends up never getting married. That's what actually happens in the real world, I know this because that is what happened to me. While being single isn't the end of the world for me, my parents and my entire frum family are absolutely devastated that I am considered unmarriageable.

To the author, people who act with bad midos do not want to change or be held accountable, they want someone else to come up with solutions to help the people who's lives they destroy. Get real. Some people have very high standards, and they gossip plenty because they are all related to each other already anyways. The core influential families do not want to marry off their kids to families with lesser standards or quality of upbringing, and no one can tell them that their concerns are invalid. The whole shidduch system is currently a mess because of the judgmental types. While I personally like your honesty and willingness to publicly speak out, the truth is is that the judgmental types totally disagree with your two points. It's not an honest system any more, except if you are from a well-recognized family or are an incredibly talented and successful individual. The judgmental types do not believe in teshuva.
(2/3/2015 2:49:42 AM)
Sensible Objective Dating
While sensitivity and humanity are required (not just in dating, but in all matters of life), it's equally important to remember that dating is NOT a relationship. It is simply an interview to see if you are comfortable with the other, and more importantly yourself. The feeling of rejection is equal and opposite to the expectation that proceeded it.

Let's not idealize and glorify the 1st date to the point where it becomes dramatic if one side says it's not for them (which is statistically likely). Lastly, its hard to say no to a coffee date; it lowers the intensity, it's easy on both sides, and it accomplishes everything that a 1st date is meant to accomplish.
(2/3/2015 3:02:58 AM)
so what are we allowed to ask then?
u prefer we just date and reject? whats wrong with saying no shes not classically normal but let me define that and then finish with I think she will make a great wife or something positive. if she is really not normal, why hide it and then the boy discovers on the date and rejects. shell get one rejection after another. is that better? don't forget there are people actively looking for less than normal for their less than normal sons and are relieved to get one because they know they are never gonna get a normal one.
and to all those of u who said don't ask about external things, is it better when the boy jumps to the ceiling from shock when she says her father is in jail and her sister is not frum and she doesn't know how to contain her embarrassment or is it better he goes with confidence knowing hes lucky enough to get a date with one of the best girls who just happens to have these unfortunate circumstances and he knows in advance to be sensitive about it.
(2/3/2015 4:12:37 AM)
the author is genuine and speaks from her heart!!
beAUTIFUL AND SENSITIVE ARTICLE. The author should be commended!! Shadchanim are all working hard but alot is in their hands. If they can try to do more research or meet the person before others are given a resume that might help out the situation. People who trust their shadchanim will give it a try without asking inapropriate questions because they will feel its worth a shot and everyone has a different opinion on Normal. However, when a shadchan gives a name and says "do your research" things have gotten out of hand. On the flip side..shadchanim are really trying and its not an easy job!! They deserve to be compensated even in a small way show your Hakaros Hatov for thier time. Hopefully, if everyone works together in a unifed way for the sake of "making people happy and finding their bashert" it will become easier and we will merit many simchos.
(2/3/2015 5:30:02 AM)
to #10
I liked your post ;-)
(2/3/2015 6:19:49 AM)
mad winter
To number ten how about you put your self in that so called not normal person shoes and see how you like it to be classified as not normal
(2/3/2015 6:46:10 AM)
Well said.
(2/3/2015 6:54:37 AM)
Girls or Women?
We could start by referring to single people of marriageable age as young men and women.
(2/3/2015 7:00:42 AM)
stop shlichus for girls
The main reason why there is a crisis is because girls go on "shlichus" and don't want to hear about shiduchim before they are 22-23. Girls should start with shiduchim right after seminary before the age of 20 like the Rebbe stressed many times! If we follow the Rebbe there is no crisis.
(2/3/2015 7:08:57 AM)
to number 8
my heart bleeds for your pain...but hear this-you are a beautiful person with special qualities that will be so appreciated and loved by your bashert.We live in a modern day world of sheker...dont buy into it,you rise above it and feel confident that your partner is out there..somewhere looking for you.Go date - dont worry what other people say ..hashem will judge them for it.I wish for you happinness inside and out and hashem should bless you and your family with brachot of happiness and mazel tovs!(also on last note what would the Rebbe say to you..think about it..)
(2/3/2015 7:49:25 AM)
skype dating service
Is there any interest in a frum skype dating service. I really think it would speed up the process of getting dates to happen quicker with less money put out. It would have to be under a proper vaad of rabbis. But it would be used for a first dat e of a half hour second date of up to an hour
(2/3/2015 7:56:03 AM)
Everyone has their own definition of normal
A modern person considers other modern people normal. Others too frum
A very Chassidish person considers people like them selves normal. To them modern is not normal
To a conservative square type, the bohemian artsy type is not his normal. And so to for the reverse.
Normal is a term used in Brooklyn it means. Is this person like me/us?
(2/3/2015 8:19:58 AM)
If your son is nerdy then you think nerdy is perfect.
If you son is more the "cool" type then nerdy is not a match.
(2/3/2015 8:22:04 AM)
What is normal? What do you mean by normal?
This word means nothing when trying to get a sense of a person. It can mean so many different things,
The dictionary defines normal as : usual or ordinary.
:not strange: mentally and physically healthy.
Why would someone want their bashert to be usual or ordinary? Shouldn't the seeker be more excited about their bashert? And " not strange"- what does that mean? Is there only one set of restricted behavior through which a person expresses themselves? Don't different people express themselves differently and so therefore wouldn't " strange" be different for different people?
And " mentally and physically healthy", although that is something we all want, it is not necessarily granted to each individual from HaShem. Don't these individuals deserve to find their basherts? And shouldn't they be treated with kid gloves rather than be derided by the word " normal"?!?!
Come on people- you are Chasidim- grow yourselves into mentalities who can speak sensitively, not crassly. This article was wonderful! Kudos to the beautiful young woman who wrote it. May everyone who needs to find their bashert be blessed to do so. And may the rest of us help with the utmost sensitivity!
(2/3/2015 8:23:52 AM)
other side of the world
number 6 you are right far too much talking
(2/3/2015 8:28:14 AM)
skype date is not worth it
Skype is the most unflattering and unnatural way to meet! you would be better off with a phone call and a picture! Skype is even awkward and uncomfortable with your own family - lots of quiet pauses, weird angled images... not likely to bring to a 2nd date. Plus - charisma needs to be felt in person. What about the posture, the way a person moves? all those things can't be felt or communicated through a screen.
Trusting a shaddchan is just not going to happen. The naive trust anyone, and the 'judgers' will just make their own calls regardless. Even if the shaddchan says it is a 'good' girl.
The only answer I see right now (from someone very much in the parsha) is to wait with emnua. For #17... you don't get it! you tell her to date, but the problem is, no one will send you a guy to date if you are from 'that' type of family! Or even just have no money, no yichus, nothing to 'sell'. the poor girl is not turning down dates - she just has no offers.
(2/3/2015 8:52:48 AM)
Be careful WHO you ask!
I approached a friend of mine for her daughter and the son of my mechutanim. My friend thinks outside the box B"H because HER friend is the boys's aunt - who said the most terrible things about the family. I was horrified, mainly because I have NEVER seen any of the so-called behaviors the aunt described (& neither has my daughter after nearly 20 years of marriage to an older brother!) & because this same aunt misled me regarding another shidduch. Checking is VERY important, but it's important to ask people you know who are not on the reference list but who know the family & who are basically honest & don't have a grudge or personal dislike for either side. I was once asked for my opinion/knowledge of the family of someone & I told the person I wasn't the right one to ask because I couldn't be objective or fair (we had a negative & personal issue with the father.) I refused to comment at all because of personal bias, nothing anyone else would have experienced. In this case, the obvious loathing this aunt has for the family is shocking & completely unfair. In the end my friend decided against proceeding because the boy didn't fit the girl's needs, but she fortunately took no notice of the nasty comments & carried on with her research.
(2/3/2015 8:54:02 AM)
to #21 your brocha at the end
Amen. Very very nice.
(2/3/2015 9:11:53 AM)
TANYA chapter 32 says it all
It turns out that those who make their body-self their principal concern and provide their soul only a background role can never experience true love and brotherhood. Whatever love they experience will be conditional.

(from chabad.org by Tzvi Freeman)
(2/3/2015 9:29:22 AM)
To #18
I don't know about you but most people want see who they are dating!
(2/3/2015 9:48:59 AM)
First we hear about about the nightmares that evolved because none of the references or anyone else would be honest and tell them the "truth" about the girl or boy. If it's not a match why waste time energy money and emotions on going out with someone that there's no chance that something can come of. Regarding materialism noone says that a shidduch shoud be based solely on finances etc. However we are living in a very costly environment. Parnasso helps Sholom Bayis and in the rearing of children. So it counts as much as anything else. Last but not least Yiddishkeit and Chassidishkeit are extremely judgemental (contrary to popular opinion) otherwise what's wrong with marrying out of the faith or for that matter out of the community. What happened to the Freideker Rebbe's statement "Azoy un Nisht Andersh"! May Hashem send each individual their bashert quickly and with dignity but let us not be a Chosid Shoiteh.
(2/3/2015 9:53:29 AM)
v'lachein kol haoisim gufam ikor venafsham tefeila, eeh esfahor lihyios ahava veachva amitis elo ateluyo vedabor bilvod!
(2/3/2015 10:23:03 AM)
"Is she chassidish?"
I get reference calls all the time and they always ask that question! I ask them to give me specific questions regarding this.....Because really what do they mean!!?
(2/3/2015 10:30:30 AM)
Must Read
There is a book called Best Of My Worst Written By Goldie Krantz that is worth reading.
(2/3/2015 10:45:09 AM)
Yes, you have to find out as much as possible about the person before you meet. Yes, you want someone who is compatible as far as background and hashkofa and standards. Why is that so hard to understand? There are enough different types of people, background, standards, etc, etc. so everyone can find in their group. Why look for different? It leads to disappointment and unhappiness. Parents don't want to hear from other backgrounds. Starting a married life is hard enough without having to cope with different backgrounds and way of life. And yes, you can never check too much, even if exaggerated. If eveyone says chassidish, you know it is in the realm of chassidish. Even if someone says very very chassidish you know that at least he is not modern.
Hatzlocha. And stick with your kind.
(2/3/2015 11:03:28 AM)
just me and my thought
as a guy who is not a perfect cookie cutter, in fact not at all, but still frum, beard and all, i say with certainty that everyone that looked into me got at least one bad report, and some say no off the bat, sure i mind
#1 to the parents don't buy all u hear,
#2 to the reporter let us say u are right, but maybe u WERE right c people change, no one is perfect,, EVEN U, wouldn't u want a chance if u made a mistake??
#3 i mean u kinda do need to be weird to be normal.
but its not the girl/guy reading resumes, its parents, and many a time parents have this image of what they are looking for, so it doesn't really matter if it can work out, if mom thinks he doesn't fit the mold in MY HEAD its a no,
also lets not put blame on people being immature, or too gezz, or too stuck up.
sure its true u have that, as well as every other negative post on here, but haters will hate
she brings a point, doesn't tell u what to do, its just a heads up,
sure guys want good looking girls, but also the modest one,
and some guys are fine wit bigger girls, (i know its a delicate topic, trying to look like a model) i guess all I'm trying to say is, its not a one answer solution, and its like splitting the red sea, so take what she says, learn from it and go on with life,
but spitting hate comments....................................
(2/3/2015 11:10:22 AM)
Couldn't Agree More
''Often people have family history that is troubling yet no fault of their own and he/she and he/she has been faced with the challenge of leading the best life possible despite their past. Let's not punish people for their circumstances, let's look at person for who they and what they have to offer.''
To all those who enjoy slandering other families, IY''H one day you'll understand the pain that you have caused.
(2/3/2015 11:20:21 AM)
to #32
I think you're deluded if you believe that just because you checked everything out down to the color of his underwear to make sure everything is "compatible," then they are guaranteed a good marriage. First of all, you're not in control, G-d is, and all these mothers with G-d complexes are the ones destroying their children's lives and shidduchim. Secondly if you haven't noticed, Lubavitch has expanded. Yes, we could stay forever in our little box mentality but honestly, when 2 kids grow up in CH going to the same schools and camps and playing in the same parks, how much different do you really think their upbringing is? Family background contributes somewhat but don't you think at some point the community they're raised in matters too?
(2/3/2015 12:03:30 PM)
#21 & #30 hit it on the head
canned relative questions get answers based on the person's frame of reference
is he/she chassidish, normal, beautiful, plain, nice, mensh, outgoing, smart, well dressed are meaningless words without context.
B"H i married off 2 children to fine partners for them (not for me, for my child!!)
when reviewing references and backgrounds, I always asked pointed questions, for example:
what would he/she do if ....
u get a better idea of how they react
instead of "is she chassidish" try this:
would she go to a movie, if not, would she watch one on dvd? does she enjoy novels? in camp, did she go to the beach with friends, if yes, when? empty/crowded? does she walk out of the house without stockings?
does she daven every day? how important is chitas to her?
these aren't judgmental, they are putting a person in context of compatibility with a spouse and what to expect.
i can go on and on, bottom line is u need to ask very specific questions to get a valid picture of who the person is and wha their values are.
(2/3/2015 12:29:57 PM)
To #8
It is heartbreaking to hear your story. Your pain is palpable, and I am sorry that you are going through this. But don't despair; don't believe those that say that you are no longer marriageable (especially the very persistent voice inside your head). Each of us is guided by Hashgocha protis, and you are exactly where you are meant to be at this stage in your life (even though I wish you did not have to go through this pain!); there is no true power in the hands of the privileged class that spoke evil of your family--"Ein od milvado. On the contrary, all that you have experienced is somehow bringing you nearer to your ultimate mate. Your shidduch will come in the right time; the stronger you instill that bitochon in yourself, the sooner this bracha will be realized in you life. See Likutei Sichos Lamed Vov, the first sicha in parshas Shemos. You will see the Rebbe's approach to your situation outlined clearly, and I pray that you will gain tremendous encouragement, and manifest revealed good in your life in the form of finally finding your shidduch, happily and healthily.
(2/3/2015 1:43:39 PM)
Hiding issues under the rug
I am coming from the situation of marrying into a family that has seriouse problems that my parents were not made aware of years ago when I dated. Years and children later, I had no other choice but to divorce. People need to be honest because it doesn't do anybody any favors and creates innocent victims.
(2/3/2015 1:49:35 PM)
Define "Chassidish"

A working boy can't be Chassidish or even frum, apparently.
(2/3/2015 2:52:12 PM)
To #16
Well said!
(2/3/2015 3:18:46 PM)
You do need to be cautious
I am of the belief that honesty is always best- if someone has mental illness in the family such a bipolar then you bet someone needs to speak up.This would be my understanding of the word "normal".If my child has any medical issue then I definitely want potentials to know this because I would hope someone would be honest with me.The rest might seem like nonsense to me but how can I truthfully say that?If someone wants gorgeous then who am I say go out with my child anyway?I feel like in that case,do not bother and thank you for not bothering with my child.If someone is interested most in intellects then I would say ok-maybe it is worth looking into.People have a right to want what they want.Just like I do.Once people start acting nasty and gossip and you recognize who they are then also you know to stay away from them!Gossip is ugly yes.However, certain come out that might be very important.Would you want to know if someone has diabetes or an IBD or asthma etc?People have a right to know and so we must all be honest.Or am I wrong?
(2/3/2015 3:24:09 PM)
Don L'Kaf Zechus
As a parent trying to marry off children and trying to make shidduchin for others, I have come across the following: 1. Many wouldn't get acknowledged if the family name was not on a pedastel, 2) Most references are a waste of time
(2/3/2015 5:21:24 PM)
I am a size 2
For all you guys looking for a perfect girl: I have the perfect figure, but you don't know and you will never know that I am anorexic (until after you marry me).

My eating disorder is causing my hair to fall out and the doctors say I am damaged beyond repair so I won't have children.

So admire my figure before I go down to size zero.

What you see is what you get - and what you get will become less and less, till I am gone.
(2/3/2015 8:57:33 PM)
it's a shame really
we're lost track of the real important things in life,beauty is
nice,but won't pay the bi.ll.s
(2/3/2015 9:49:02 PM)
Parent not yet in the Parsha
So much information in these posts. I have so many mixed emotions reading the words on this page. I will say though, Bitachon is truly powerful. Hashem pays particular attention to those who practice Bitachon. May there be bountiful blessings for all posters. Moshiach Now!!!!
(2/4/2015 12:37:15 AM)
what does Chassidish mean..
What does chassidish mean? ....lets define that. Being that there are no dictionaries which define that term we will resort to the definitions of our own minds. Hopefully the one that has been there for a while. So chassidish well firstly as you learned to do in elementary school is look for the shoresh in every word. So chassidish. chassid. so what is a chassid. For that you might have to learn a little. maybe. or we can suffice by free definition: someone who is connected to the Rebbe, knows that whatever the Rebbe says is what they do through and through and therefore (yes does chitas, rambam) trusts in the fact that the Rebbe is a Tzadik and sees itt. Learns the Rebbe's Torah for that reasons and lives with chassidus. Follows every one of the Rebbe's Horaos to the tee. Is meticulous in shulchan aruch as well as anything that the Rebbe said to do or not to do. Is mekushar aka has hiskashrus writes to the Rebbe goes to the ohel. The last and most important determining factor of a chassid is someone with a giant heart ready to do anything for a fellow Jew and give them everything they got.
There- does that suffice. If you are that, you are. If you are not, guess what you still are because the Rebbe called you his chassid so you are called a chassid. But to yourself and to your future mother in law, it only pays to be honest and admit to if you fit the above category in a real sense. And therefore aspire to be that. And not blow it up in someones face when they tell you you are not that. whoo has the right to tell you that? Your possible future mother in law =).
(2/4/2015 12:40:12 AM)
Nerds make the best husbands! They are the ones who will come home after a hard day's work (yes, nerds have "jobs!" and change the baby's messy diapers. They are the ones who will help their kids do their homework, and they are the ones who will bring you flowers every Friday afternoon, polish the leichter, tell you to take a night off while they watch the kids and finish the dishes! Nerdy guys will tell you how pretty you look, and NO, you don't look fat!

Nerds make the BEST husbands!!! And wives, too!
(2/4/2015 12:46:57 AM)
To 46
i hope your FUTURE son in law likes people with impossible high expectations
You mentioned a lot of important qualities but I'm sorry to brake it to you most Bochrim today have about wish they had half the things on that chart
Just hope you get someone with a good heart
More important then your whole chasidish thing
Good luck finding perfect =)]
(2/4/2015 7:38:35 AM)
to #43
You are abviously a troll and I hope no one takes you seriously.Anorexia is not joke and none of the eating disorders are.But this obsession with looks and sizes is part of the illness in and of itself.Many say my child is rather attractive but the minute I hear the guy's wants are "very beautiful",I nix that right away.Let all the gorgeous ones have this great catch.Not interested.You can look at their list of wants and that should also give you some insight into the person! Next........
(2/4/2015 12:45:11 PM)
To #43
I don't know the reason why you wrote that, but I don't think people marry just because of the looks. I am a young Bochur, not even marriageable age, went through some very hard times, and don't know if I will ever get married, but I can tell you one thing, and that's if I ever get married, it would not be all because of the looks, but of the personality (kind...).
(2/8/2015 7:13:45 PM)
Such people don't exsist
But good luck on finding him ;)
(2/8/2015 8:08:14 PM)
To #8
I hope you will break out of this shidduch system, and find your bashert in a different way. Maybe you have a good friend, or meet your right one in your own way. If there is a you, there is a him.
(2/8/2015 8:15:15 PM)
Why I will always be Chabad but will never be a Lubavitcher?
The above statement is painful to write.Yiddishkeit for me came alive and is real b/c of the Rebbe's teachings. I was raised Jewish but as I grew and learned about it I discovered I wasn't. So naturally I went to the mikvah. Now as a ger and looking for a wife I don't find many options because I'm not good enough b/c of my family lineage. So I try to have emuna in Hashem and that the Rebbe's teachings will guide me to finding a kallah but at the same time I wonder how can I be part of a community when I'm not accepted for the most important aspect of life... marriage?
(2/19/2015 10:57:07 AM)
oldest is 18...
#49 and #47, you are so on the mark. when my children iYH enter this stage of life send me the "nerds" and those that are not concerned with looks.
(2/21/2015 11:51:03 PM)
to 53
I used to think this way. I think you are simply over reacting to the fact you haven't received many suggestions. Try talking to other shadchanim and try talking to your friends. Perhaps the issue is your not making enough of an effort. In order for blessings to come down from Hashem you need to make yourself a keli. Examine your own actions before judging others so harshly
(2/23/2015 1:43:27 PM)
Normal has a large curve
My wife called me normal as a complement when we were going out. I said is that it? I thought I was great, the best or at least above average. She laughed and is still laughing (sometimes at me and sometimes with me) My mother A'H used to say "Normal has a large curve".
(4/14/2015 11:54:38 PM)
Skype Dating
I don't think it is such a bad idea! Maybe this would help people
with special needs, who have difficulty meeting someone in their local communities.
(6/10/2015 7:57:22 AM)
From long ago
Long ago the shadchanim could/would not relate to me because I was from outside of NY, tall, skinny, and no longer had a father. T'was very hard. Fast forward to nowadays: B'h I married off all but my youngest child. Good presentation in the form of a resume is a must these days. At the same time there are very bizarre parental questions out there that I think get in the way of their own children finding a shidduch. Also parents many times look for someone for the child they wish they had, not the child that they do have.
(7/9/2015 1:16:35 AM)
To number 8
If it were me I would put a great picture of myself on every frum dating site and go to many singles events! Represent yourself ! When a guy feels your the one, he's not gonna give a hoot to all the naysayers!
(10/4/2016 9:26:29 PM)
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