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Dec 1, 2014
"I'm Probably the Mom You Hate"
 Op-ed: A mother who married off a few children responds to "Why Am I Not 'Shayech'?:" "I am sure that there are people who think I am a snob and a nasty one, too." By Menucha
I've always thought of myself as a nice person. I'm the type who will let someone with one item to buy go in front of me at the supermarket line, the type who will walk out of the room rather than argue. Yet I am sure that there are people who think I am a snob and a nasty one, too. Why? Because of the shiduchum search.
Having married off a few sons and daughters, and working on the next in line, I keep praying that I won't hurt someone's feelings, but it seems impossible to avoid. On the one hand, I don't want to insult anyone, but on the other hand, I can't let my child meet someone just to avoid hard feelings. If I don't give a reason- the other side assumes that I am a snob, if I give a reason, then nine times out if ten, they will be terribly insulted.
When I first started on the shidduchim search for my children, rejections would upset me. Now that I am more experienced, rejections don't bother me. I just understand that it is Hashem Yisborach's way of saying that this is not the right one. Of course this is difficult when your child is getting older and you don't see any salvation in sight. But isn't the right person later better than the wrong person now?
Some of the things I've learned from experience (and believe me, I'm still learning in the job) are:
1. When making inquiries, avoid labels or derogatory questions. Don't ask if he's lazy, ask if he likes to be busy.
2. Try to ask open-ended questions.
3. When saying no to a suggestion, first give a compliment. Think before giving a reason for no, or don't give a specific reason.
Shidduchim are as difficult as splitting the Red Sea, and needs the same level of bitachon to cross. It's no easier for the boys than for the girls. As a friend once put it: Looking for a shidduch for my daughter, I felt like I was lost in the desert. When I started looking for my son, I suddenly found myself lost in the forest!
The One Above should help each of the singles to find his/her true match, without causing any bad feelings to anyone.
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#nomorekvetching
its better to say were thinking about it or she or he are busy right now.
saying "not shayach" leaves the person thinking 'and why is it not shayach?' then starts thinking of any faults they or the family may have, i don't think its nice
You need to lighten up. Why are you so quick to dismiss a potential date? After all, it is just a date. It doesn't mean you are marrying the person.
A first date gives you a glimpse into a person beyond the resume and photo.
If people gave their fellow human beings a chance and got to talk to them we might have way more shidduchim,
Get out of the box people. Broaden your horizons, let go of your family's expectations, let go of your exceptions. Most of all, when you decide to date or not date a potential date, make sure its for the right reasons and not because of some emotional baggage that YOU YOURSELF have. ,
She was only joking! putting some humour into it all? Thats not always a bad thing
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y1sZu1u3BMI
I have a few wonderful and beautiful ka'h red haired children. When my oldest got married, the machutonim told me that they were asked if "red is a problem". They were shocked by the question, but even with reds in our family (kids, cousins...), I didn't want to marry (30 years ago) a guy with a red beard. It's just something I don't like - to this day. I love my sons, but not the color of their beards. Nothing wrong with this - or even shallow. To me it's a turn-off. Not shayach - greatest guy or not. Some bochurim don't like "kinky" hair - despite the fact that the majority of the time it will be covered and many kinky haired girls look gorgeous in straight sheitlach.
I have a relative that turned down a great bochur because she couldn't imagine herself with his last name. She said, "She isn't a 'Horowitz'". B"H that simple thought was put in her mind to spare her going out with a few wrongs and to wait for Mr. Right, which B"H came along not too much later.
These are not 'shallow' reasons or explanations to be argued about. Hashem puts our thoughts in our minds for reasons specifically tailored to each individual. Magically, when the right one comes along - somehow we see things differently.
R' Manis Friedman tells the story of a girl who told him the date wasn't shayach because he was slightly bald. The next set-up he told the bachur to keep his hat on the entire evening. After the date, he asked the bachur if he followed his instructions. To his disappointment, the bachur had removed his hat in the car and forgotten it there. When the girl called to tell R' M. that she'd like to go out a second time, he asked, "but what about the receding hairline?" "I never noticed" was her reply.....
May all be zoche to find their basherts quickly and easily.
the girls are much more than the boys. the girls are up and out of the house by the latest 8.30 am , responsible for jobs, not just sitting and officially learning , ,and being supported by parents, wife...
i wish i would of known this years ago. .. The wife gets up and runs to work, and offically the husband runs to kollel...
i dont want to take away the joy of the young married girl..it is not what she expected half the time.
The key for the parent is to recognize that their child's good qualities have nothing to do with the other person's acceptance or rejection. Easier said than done...
Also, in many situations where people are in the same city maybe let go of the expectations like many have said, and just go on a date.
No need to be offended. Move on !!! Chances are - You've said "no""or will say "no" in the future.
Its sometimes wise to ask the middle person if a reason was given, only to ascertain that it wasn't a misinformed decision.
Part time Shadchan.
Thanx for your inspirational and intelligent words
Was your child's name mentioned not with standing?
Is the shadchan just pushing off the inevitable "No"?
Best to tell the Shadchan upfront that you always want hear a no answer if that is what is being given. Otherwise you'll be chasing people that have said "'No" for ever.
Part time Shadchan.
Mainly it's Tznius. That's right, if your daughters knees aren't covered when she sits down then our answer is "not Shayich , due to tznius".
Please don't advertise your daughter on her resume as tznius when she doesn't cover her knees, collarbone or wears skin tight clothing. That's not tznius.
2. Ethnic
3. Too heavy
4. Age
Who are you fooling? The Bochur or Maidel may be chassidishe, tzinusdik, excellent midos, but do not FIT in due to NO fault of their own either because of genetics or other natural means which Hashem endowed them with or as a result of their background - yet - they will still be "not shayich"!
It is per pressure, what will others say!
Feel free to respond!
"Not shayich" does not always have to be about looks or things like that. But that is just the way I feel.
The former is for yourself, the latter is to boost your fragile ego.
He has $$ and wants a stay-at-home wife and mother raising his kids. She adamantly won't give up on the shiksa nanny. It's not shayich!
She is very frum, tznius, careful with kashrus, and what she watches and reads. He enjoys mixed camping trips and a Saturday night movie. It' just not shayich.
Oh, one more. There is a serious medical or mental health issue that really should have been mentioned. But the parents didn't want to tell the other side because they knew that for this shidduch it wasn't shayich, But the other side wouldn't take that for an answer, and insisted on knowing why. Somehow the shidduch went through. A baby came along, the parent snapped and now they are divorced and their darling baby is growing up in 2 homes.
If it's not shayich, say thank you and move on. Don't force a situation, the consequences are just too painful.
May you find your shayich match immediately.
BTW, if a non-Jew (who is still deserving of respect and personhood - remember Hashem created the non-Jews and gave them the 7 noahide laws, and enjoins us to treat them well) is alone in your home with only young children, and all the more so, if he/she is cooking there, you have major kashrus problems on your hands, aside from hashkafa issues. Please contact your local orthodox Rav for more info.