Nov 19, 2014
Why Am I Not "Shayech?"

From the COLlive inbox: After getting my hopes up that this could be 'the one', within 2 hours of speaking to the Shadchan, those 6 words pop up on my screen - "They don't think it's Shayech."

They heard such amazing things, 'but they don’t think it's Shayech'.

After doing my research and getting my hopes up that this could be 'the one', within 2 hours of speaking to the Shadchan, those 6 words pop up on my screen. Six simple words, yet they pierce right through my heart.

What I am about to speak about, is not only for myself. I just recently started Shidduchim, and have thank G-d only encountered this a couple times.

I speak for those who have heard this time after time.

I speak for those who are constantly judged just from a piece of paper, a phone call, or the hearing of a name.

I speak for those who want nothing more in the world then to find their other half’s.

I speak for those who just don’t have the strength to speak for themselves anymore.

So, if you really heard such amazing things, then why exactly is it not Shayech? Because you skimmed my profile and right then and there decided that I wouldn’t be fit for your son? But how did you decide THAT quickly? Did you even bother calling my references? Or you did call, but you found out that my family is not wealthy enough for you? Or is it because we don’t have good enough Yichus (Lineage)? Or is it because I come from a more modern family? Or maybe were too frum? Because my parents are divorced? Because we went to a different school that doesn’t share your beliefs? The list can go on and on.

I know you couldn’t of said no to me because of my outstanding Midos. Or my genuinely big heart? Or how about my caring and loving personality?

But wait... you wouldn’t even know that about me because you didn’t even take the chance to find out about ME. Its more important to you that you find out if I come from a picture perfect family. After all, your son will be marrying my family, not me. Right....?

You are sadly mistaken.

The person that your son will wake up to everyday is his wife.

The person who your son will bring children into this world with, to raise them in a life with Torah and Mitzvos, is his wife.

The person who your son will IYH grow old and gray with is... you guessed it, his wife.

So why do you overlook who I am as a person? Why is my family more important then me?

If I come from a more religious family, that guarantees that my husband and children will stay religious?

If my family has money, that guarantees ultimate happiness for my husband and children?

If I have Yichus, that means were good people?

So its not Shayech, ay?

I can imagine your face as you read this article and think back to all those amazing girls you turned down because of such ignorant, selfish and superficial reasons.

I really don't want to come off sounding condescending or rude, but if someone offers you a diamond, you would turn it down?!

I highly doubt it. Even if you don't like where that diamond originated from, you would take it and cherish it...

Now I am not saying that family isn’t important. It is. REALLY important.

It's important to know that your son will be welcomed with open and loving arms into my not-so-picture-perfect family of really awesome people.That IS important.

Before I end, let me take a moment and apologize to your son for you.

I'm sorry that you are 28 and still sitting at home single, even though you are too, seeking your other half.
I'm sorry that your mother/parents want something totally different for you, then you know you need and deserve.

I'm sorry that all these amazing girls are being judged unfavorably, on your behalf.

And guess what moms? When all is said and done, I would never want to marry into such a judge mental mentality. So your right, it is not Shayech. Jokes on you.

Oh and by the way, you can just skip the "you heard amazing things" line next time. No need to sugar coat it. If the reason your saying no is REALLY something you believe in, then be real and say it as it is. Who are you trying to fool exactly?

I who has decided to finally stick up for what's right.

P.s. Word of advice: SPEAK TO YOUR KIDS. Find out what they really want in a spouse. I do believe that deep down inside, you do care and want what's best for them. Every parent does. So find out what that may be instead of getting caught up in other unimportant matters. Please. I beg of you. They really do deserve the world. We all do.

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Opinions and Comments
Beautifully written
I'yh you and all the other single ladies, will find someone who is 'shayech' for you in every way!
(11/19/2014 7:11:11 PM)
Off the mark
Just because you may be a great girl does not necessarily mean you are the best match for this specific boy. People have all kinds of reason for rejecting a shidduch. Its part of the process.
There are 2 specifics I would like to point out to you:
1) when my oldest daughter was in shiduchim a family turned her down with exactly the words that were told to you "great girl but not shayach".
It turns out their very good boy needed a girl who was somewhat eccentric. They were smart about it and found him exactly what suited him best.
Sometimes "not shayach" is because they may see you as more succesful, or different goals than their son= not shayach. Its not necessarily a bad thing

2) I was concerned about my daughters weight. My friend told me "Maybe thats a way to sift through all the possibilities that will come up. Ur daughter is a wonderful girl. Her average weight (as opposed to stick thin) might be a reason for people to turn her down and will just help you sift through all the names to get to the right one.

Have emuna that Hashem will lead you to your bashert. Part of that process is being rejected so that you dont have to meet every single name that comes up. That would leave you confused with so many choices. See it as Hashems way of helping you whittle down all the possibilities to the one you should actually meet.

p.s. The one you meet might still not be the one you are meant to marry. So just keep at it until your bashert is in front of your eyes!
(11/19/2014 7:17:36 PM)
I dont understand
If indeed "When all is said and done, I would never want to marry into such a judge mental mentality. So your right, it is not Shayech. Jokes on you", then, what purpose and to whom exactly are you writing your article?

(11/19/2014 7:21:01 PM)
Maybe she wants to go out with the guy you just said no to or maybe she is afraid to tell you how she really feels . Let her speak listen to what she wants and in the end you will all be happy
(11/19/2014 7:21:45 PM)
so right
It's time we as parents do what's best for our children
(11/19/2014 7:25:20 PM)
you can spin this every way
Perhaps they quickly and rightly realized that someone like you is honestly worthy of a husband better than their sons. Perhaps they did you a favor?
(11/19/2014 7:32:10 PM)
not shayech
I've told my mother about certain girls for my brother- not shayach. My brother clearly saying he needs a
Calm wife. Not a head counselor.. Macher etc.
What s a catch for one boy is not for someone else nothing to do with family!
(11/19/2014 7:36:16 PM)
you said it yourself...
He will be marrying his wife and obviously you're not his wife. Instead of feeling offended you should feel grateful that you didn't waste your time pursuing a guy who is not your husband. You're gonna marry your husband whether you like it or not. So stop trying to date a nice guy and start looking to meet your husband. Hashem will take care of it if you just let him.
(11/19/2014 7:40:59 PM)
it is true
Many parents say no bc they want someone pretter, richer, smarter etc, not thinking about what's best for their kid
that bwing said most do think about what's best, and sometimes it's not shayach
(11/19/2014 7:41:19 PM)
finding your basherte.
Plenty of gezhe families get this same message. Monied families too. Maybe the family has a niece who knows you andthe family called her and not YOUR references.
Bottom line, these aren't sales calls. We aren't auditioning for parts. There are no trial periods.
Emunah and bitachon are the essential qualities for you to develop, that Hashem will send you your bashert and you will be so grateful to have found him. I have married a number of my own children. It's not easy. Golus isn't easy.
(11/19/2014 7:48:50 PM)
Well written! - So true.
Just experienced the exact situation. So true - who suffers????? their own son. Saying goes...what saychel will not teach you.....time will. Time will teach them about what is truly important in life. Your bashert should come very soon and he will be one lucky guy!
(11/19/2014 7:55:20 PM)
attention parents
go home
(11/19/2014 7:56:03 PM)
What would you rather them say???
Not shayech means 'not a good match'.
Great guy & Great girl, but maybe not for each other.
Why is that offensive?
Would you rather they SPELL OUT all the reasons you are not the right match?
(11/19/2014 7:57:56 PM)
Head Couselor boys
I have seen this term too many times, as in post #7. As a former head counselor, I do not see myself as a macher, although I am a shliach etc. My co-head counselors were a mix of machers and otherwise.

I am only writing this being that the shidduch scene is so difficult. Please do not assume that because someone was a HC in a large camp that they are loud, gregarious and always take charge people. etc.
(11/19/2014 8:02:44 PM)
I agree, its very frustrating!! But also..
Would you go out with a guy that you hear great things about even if there was a lot of things that bothered you about him? If you are a smart and intellectual girl you are probably not going to want to date a guy who has severe ADHD, stopped learning at 18, didn't get smicha and never pursued a career, even if he has a heart of gold. Because even though he's a great guy, he's not for you.
(11/19/2014 8:12:27 PM)
Well written. New Shiduch system
We gotta start making a new way of dating where parents are less involved and not selfish to "protect their own image" or try to build there self confidence based on who their kids marry???

Let shadchanim be in touch with the boys themselves but also not applying too much pressure on them... when they don't feel its right...

How does that sound??? from a 26 yr old bochur, who doesn't even know what names are being suggested to him...Sadly
(11/19/2014 8:14:05 PM)
agree to an extant
When people say not shayach without giving a reason that is very disrespectful. You are essentially saying"you are not good enough. ...." how low and snobby. Definitely not the way chassidim think it communicate. So to those " chassidishe" families think again before holding your noise high and sending such an anti-ahavas yisroel message. Umm no you can't be such a chassidishe family if you have no concept of not talking down to a fellow Jew or chossid.
And then there are those families whom I so respect. That although they didn't feel this was the right one, they first of all said they heard great things, and mainly explained why they don't think it's shayech: "our daughter is looking for an emesser chossid and that is what we heard about him, But she is more of a quiet your while his personality is much more boisterous (or vise versa).... whatever the case they gave a respectful reason without stinging the "you are not good enough for us!" (Feh!! I can never respect such a family again).
(11/19/2014 8:14:44 PM)
"Not shayech" means that they believe that you are not compatible. This has absolutely nothing to do with your ma'alos or chisronos, nor your gezhe or non-gezhe status, it has to do with being compatible, which they believe you are not.

When you studied chemistry, (if you were paying attention,) you learnt that certain physical elements in this world stick together and certain elements do not. Relationships operate in the same way: some people are compatible, and some are not.

You are making a mountain out of a molehill. Respect other people's decisions just as you would want other people to respect your's.

You will ultimately find the one that is compatible. (And hopefully not one that is incompatible).
(11/19/2014 8:26:02 PM)
not fair
Most of the times ,(99%)the boys are the ones saying NO" ,and the Parents have to pay and be judged as shallows or stupids
BTW who is better? a geza? rich? smart? learned?
you guess ,at the end of the day : good midos is the best!!!
(11/19/2014 8:32:19 PM)
oh come on
We all know the snotnoses think someone isn't shayech because it is implied "why would they think she'd be for us"???Yes, there is a superiority message here and it is very hurtful.People with real menshlikeit have a way of saying things in the most sensitive way and dont dismiss people like they are "not worthwhile".So stop coming up with excuses.
(11/19/2014 8:34:39 PM)
We need change
I am telling my younger children find yourself your own girl or boy our system does not work I have great children and they can't get even through the step one for a Sheidach this is too long to many years too many children it's enough
(11/19/2014 8:45:02 PM)
Is NOT shayich!
(11/19/2014 8:45:45 PM)
Become a principal or director of a Moisad
The ones working in the schools the principles make the best shidduchim they know the bochurim and they know the girls and they have the money too so if you want to succeed become a principal but guess what it's all controlled by controlling families
(11/19/2014 8:49:19 PM)
Very well written!
Thank you for taking the time to write this beautiful oped.
(11/19/2014 8:50:57 PM)
This really hits the nail on the head. I am 24, and not married. I come from a nice family, not religous, why can't I get young man to marry me? I will continue to have bitochon!
(11/19/2014 8:56:49 PM)
This piece sounds like the writings of a very hurt young lady. It is very unfortunate that feelings have to be hurt like this. She seems to not have really internalised that everything is bashert. Hashem runs the world and puts everything in place and if they said its not shayich WHY DO YOU CARE just move on. YOU ARE BETTER than a person who needs to sulk on their refusals and their superficialities.
(11/19/2014 9:00:42 PM)
advice for girls/girls side
perhaps this was already said - i'm not reading all the comments - but whenever I set people up, I always present first to the boys side, and wait for a yes from them. Then I present to the girl/her side. I am not saying girls are weak and unable to handle a no, but I believe that girls are more emotional, and generally more sensitive - not to mention that with the shidduch climate as it is (not very favorable to the girls) it just hurts a little more when they feel another blow beyond their control. Often it is the mothers of the boys saying no, the boy has not even heard the name, necessarily. And while many a time I don't agree with the mother's basis for her "no" or "not shayech" - some people do need to use mirrors for reasons other than applying lipstick - there is a limit to my involvement and not always is it worth pushing. That said, because there are so many picky mothers/parents - some of whom even pass that on to their sons - it is much more favorable to the girl to not even mention it to her unless they are interested. Then, by all means if the girl/girl's side wants to say "no" or "not shayech", they have the same ability to do so. Having seen what I have, in most cases (not saying all), the boys and/their side can handle it. I actually believe that most of them need to hear a good few "not shayech" themselves to get a 'klap in kup' and realize that the world is not (necessarily) their oyster.

Chins up single girls. The right man/family won't say "not shayech" without adequate reason. And if you don't want to be subject to possible feelings of rejection, I suggest you tell your matchmakers/family/friends: "thanks so much for thinking of me. I'd prefer if you first present my name to potential matches and let them look into it and answer, then tell me. I'm just too busy to be thinking about / waiting for answers that may not go anywhere." Fair and square.

Good luck!
(11/19/2014 9:02:37 PM)
To #3- I believe her purpose was to bring about a point. And I think she did that wonderfully.

To everyone else- she clearly said that she got a reply from the shadchan within just 2 hrs. That's not nearly enough time for the family to do their "research" in order to realize that "it's not shayich"
(11/19/2014 9:05:41 PM)
"Not shayach" simply means you have a different personality type to what the other side is looking for. It has nothing to do with overlooking your qualities.

It's not a big deal. Get over yourself.
(11/19/2014 9:05:53 PM)
To #26
John, this article has nothing to do with everything being bashert. She didn't evn talk about that, because that goes without saying. She is simply just trying to bring out a point. The world is a very judgmental and superficial place and it's very unfortunate :(
(11/19/2014 9:12:21 PM)
Why I won't go out with you?
The main reason Bochurim refuse a girl is they are concerned about the future. As a single hard-working guy I want to know that my future wife is going to work. If you want to have a frum home in today's world you must have a job as well. It's not economically feasible for only the man to work unless you want to live a VERY simple lifestyle which most people don't, or wont in the future. We don't just want to see how pretty and Eidel you are. We want to know that after you have a child you will still go to work to bring in Parnassah. Men aren't work horses.
(11/19/2014 9:13:44 PM)
don't be so utterly self-centered
I don't owe you a date.
I don't owe you a chance to prove your compatibility.

A date costs me in 'many' ways, not even including financially, and there are thousands of girls.
I am not looking for a reason to go out with you.
On the contrary, i am lookig for a reason not to go out with you, if only to eliminate one more of the thousands of girls who are available.
Unless i have a distinct pull to date a specific girl, i am not investing in a date.

I will not invest rescheduling two days for a date.
I will not invest my had earned money.
I will not invest my energy.
I will not invest my effort.
I will not invest my emotions.

I don't owe you an opportunity to prove your worth to me.
You'll probably end up becoming the wife of some other guy and all this self-centered complaining will have been a wate of your time.

I know you would like dress up and go out tonight and gossip about it with your friends, but too bad!

I am not taking you out because you don't like hearing that you're for SOMEONE ELSE!

(11/19/2014 9:14:39 PM)
there are many boys and many girls out there. yes i want someone for my child who has the same background, hashkofes, etc that we have. marriage is hard enough without introducing different upbringings into the mix. why would i allow no matter what amazing things i hear about a girl from an irriligious family to marry my son? should he feel embarrassed about his in laws? should his children feel embarrassed? also you might be an amazing girl/boy but my daughter might want a boy who is very chassidish and this amazing boy is not. amazing for whom? that is the core of the issue. Wishing you luck in finding your bashert, but it s not a put down. it is a very sensitive kind way of saying, yes you are amazing but not compatible for my child
(11/19/2014 9:17:45 PM)
# 7 you got it wrong
If a girl was a Head Counselor does not mean she is a big Macher or very loud person, this is what the article was all about and you missed the point, you are judging based on you feeling not facts, yes there are a lot of head counselors who are Machers and some who are amazing girls who will be amazing wife's / Shluchos / Mothers etc, so you respond to you mother was wrong as what you did is a total stereotype and narrow minded way of thinking, I think that whoever wrote this article is asking for one thing only, Dear Parents before you say no really check it out do not judge a person by their stereotype or only extended family / Money / Yichus, think what is good for my boy or Girl, and when you do say no please be a mentch and do not say it right away wait 2 days so at least the rejected person feels like you really gave it a fair chance.
(11/19/2014 9:18:43 PM)
Lucky !!!
Trust me if i was you i ll go out and celebrate with friends ,your very lucky that you were rejected , its thei loss, and ull see ur gonna find the best husband iyh....
(11/19/2014 9:20:06 PM)
To my dear girls,
all single girls out there, have faith and don't worry about a thing.
I am 26 and single, and I still feel like im 21 or 22.
ive seen all types of miracles happening all around me
just believe that good things are coming your way
you are more attractive and happy when you choose to be happy - make it a decision and a choice
good luck, and im blessing you to get married soon and quickly
go through this marriage process with joy
not with sadness anxiety and fear
(11/19/2014 9:22:40 PM)
To #29
Personality?!?! Really?!?! That's a first!! Pls pls don't be so nieve!!!
(11/19/2014 9:27:24 PM)
Could of
Could HAVE
your - you're
(11/19/2014 9:33:16 PM)
Good luck with all that. I sure hope you get what you want (you know, circumstances change even if someone says they forsure want to work. people also change in circumstances...). I'd far sooner see my child marry a man who absolutely does not want his wife to work, unless SHE absolutely wants to. I'd rather my son in law be bold enough to say, you take care of the kids and be a good mom, worry about their chinuch, middos etc, and hey, we'll work it out, with Hashem of course. By no means am I talking 'la-la land' language. I know plenty plenty men, who do not come from wealthy families at all, who made it from day 1 through hard work and devotion to their families. No one said a man is a workhorse, but neither should your wife be! I hope that if your wife works, it will be because she wants to, not because she feels you expect her to. No, not saying she should be out frivoulously shopping and spending instead, rather, her focus should - ideally - be right where the Rebbe said it should be. In the home. With the kids. Being there for you. How does that sound? Most women I know who work because they have to (or because their husbands can't work too hard or can't find an adequate job) actually resent their husbands, and later wish they had spent those years with their kids. Just don't say no one ever told you. Experience(s) speak volumes. Aspirations and plans don't. Yes, hindsight is 20/20, I wish you that your dreams and goals should come to fruition in the most smooth and peaceful manner.
(11/19/2014 9:38:37 PM)
they are plenty of girls who are very picky
(11/19/2014 9:42:15 PM)
Number 34
Exactly the point!!! So well said!!
(11/19/2014 9:43:39 PM)
Don't take it personally
When they say it is not shayech it can also mean that they heard about your frumkeit and eidelkeit and they know that their son is not on that level. You can be more chassidish, etc. they don't want their son to be outshined by a superior girl or intimidated by her. There can be many reasons for their saying not shayech and not ones that they can explain as it is not complementary to their son. Chazal say "Nichois darga unsiv It'sah" step down to marry a wife and it is not shayech as you are a step up for him.
(11/19/2014 10:06:52 PM)
To all the Parents out there...
Parents shouldn't be rejecting a girl/guy based solely on his or hers yichus. Besides that its completely superficial and ridiculous, it also has nothing to do with who the girl/guy really is. A persons actions proves his worthiness not his dead great-grandparents. And yes i do understand that yichus may have some importance but not to this extend. And at the end of the day all different types of Jews have great yichus-comin from Avrham, Yitzchak, and Yakov.
(11/19/2014 10:22:33 PM)
the title is quite misleading. It says "those 6 words..." I counted 5. If I had to go out with a girl I'd rather one that would be straight forward and try not to deceive.. Maybe this is a warning sign of many other issues......
(11/19/2014 10:31:59 PM)
to #32
You sound a little arrogant and lack the ability to understand the broader picture.Just by thinking there are "thousands" of girls out there waiting for YOU makes you a little unrealistic and shallow.
(11/19/2014 10:48:39 PM)
You don't see the double standard in that. Who said dads wouldn't mind staying home with the kids. Why resent someone for their circumstances.
(11/19/2014 10:51:13 PM)
A Message to the Guys and Girls Out There: PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
People, go for the girl/guy you want. Stop worrying what your friends will think. You don't need a model or the "perfect" guy/girl to validate your worth. You are worthy enough. You are picking a guy/ girl to marry, a guy/girl that will be the father/mother of your kids and the man/ women that will be by your side till the end of your days. Through the ups and downs your going to want someone that has a head on their shoulders, someone that makes you laugh, and someone that challenges you to be the best version of yourself. The moment you gently let go of your mother's apron strings and the critical and judgmental voices in your head will be the moment you find your husband/wife.

Marriage is not a popularity contest. Marriage is real life and life is hard. Think carefully about the kind of partner that you want supporting you through this wonderful but sometimes difficult journey we call life.

Choose wisely and thoughtfully!
(11/19/2014 10:52:32 PM)
Some more advice....
As a happily married ka'h woman of over ten years I can tell you all its not all about these externalities. If you would have looked at us on paper, no one would have introduced us. And BH we met and married and I could not ask for more in a husband. For all you singles out there, you just need a mensch. A good man. A good woman. Jobs, lineage, money, customs even - not so important- just two good, honest and caring people. And most importantly you need Hashem's brocho and lots of emunah and bitachon!
(11/19/2014 10:55:12 PM)
To #11
Why is their son suffering? Maybe the parents who are older and more experienced see that this type of girl is not for him. She can even be mor mehus than him but it is still not for him. Parents want the best for their child and are being realistic
(11/19/2014 11:02:28 PM)
It is actually five words. I checked and recounted multiple times..
(11/19/2014 11:07:22 PM)
Chassidish BUT... With it
I Am 23 years old now learning in 770 and i feel like my parents are filtering all the names that come up. like, i would truly give this author a shot if her name came up, but it not my choice, my parents are making all the decisions. maybe i should stand up for who i am and give others the chance i would want others to give me.
(11/19/2014 11:08:18 PM)
to #39
Do you have any eligable sons? My mother would love to become your machatainister ;)
(11/19/2014 11:10:41 PM)
i hope that if your wife is working YOU HELP WITH THE CHILDREN!!! 50 /50 . YOUR WIFE IS NOT A WORK HORSE!! she shouldn't be working and doing everything at home while you sleep ,because you are tired. poor thing! She is tired too!! help her with the house and children!
(11/19/2014 11:11:59 PM)
You Are Being Judgmental!
First and foremost you should find the right person that Hashem has destined to be your life partner.

As Rabbi Leibel Groner, Shlita, advised: " Each "no" is one step closer to the right one."

BH I have married off several children.

Whoever THEY CHOSE to marry was the person that they felt they could build a life with. If for any reason they decided that the prospect was not shayech, I would always thank the person who recommended it, and extend best wishes to this party that they should have brocha v'hatzlacha in finding their rightful bashert.

If parents turn down a child because he/she has no yichus/money, etc. why would anyone want to marry into such a superficial family anyway?

Good midos are the foundation of a good marriage.

No Sem, or Merkos Shlichus experience guarantees that hubby will get up in the middle of the night to help his wife with a new born!

And will his wife be an eizer k'negdo?

These protim are the iykar for setting up a baayis n'emon b'Yisroel!

You have not met the right one yet, but B"EZH you will and when you do, you will understand all of the "No-s" that preceded it.

Rov Brocha V'Hatzlacha!

(11/19/2014 11:13:52 PM)
To 31
U can't be serious??!!! Ur poor wife! My daughter is in seminary and we will iyh soon be ready to start ... And her #1 priority in looking for a husband is that he does NOT want her to work! Uve got it all wrong.... with today's outside challenges mothers need more then ever to stay home! U sound extremely superficial to me and guess what? Not all girls want or care for materialistic things but rather do with out and be a stay at home mom , as I have ... Yes we could have done with a second income but my husband and I chose to forgo the house car vacations etc and just be there all the time for the kids and Bh we are reaping the benefits , my kids and family life are amazing Bh and THAT is true happiness!!!
(11/19/2014 11:15:10 PM)
You are lucky?
Why do you say the girl is lucky that she was rejected? Making it sound as if she is better. This mother/father/Bochurim thought she was not compatible. Maybe he is more capable than her and she wanted someone like that. It he wants someone moe capable than she is. Don't start bad mouthing the boy who does not want you. I think it's very kind and thoughtful to say that the girl is great (as all Jewish girls are great) just not what her son is looking for. Don't say you are rid of him. This makes you sound like a not so nice girl Nd maybe that is what the mother of the boy heard. You think you are great but there are other great girls out there maybe more compatible to her son. Your bashert will come , just be a little nicer and not bitter. Hashem will help
(11/19/2014 11:19:57 PM)
Why you didn't look into a simple bohur from an average family ?
Why you girls are dreaming about the Guy from rich , famous , etc family , why you couldn't just open your eyes and see the simple guy that will do for you a lot because he knows life basics , he works from young age ....maybe he is the best for you ?
For all Yechus families -marry simple girls /boys , you will increase the Yehus families with few generations , otherwise you will disappear ....
For all Rich families - marry your daughters to smart Yeshiva boys -mix your wealth with Torah
Girls /Boys - start asking your parents for your match and not your parents match ....
Hazloha to everyone
(11/19/2014 11:24:27 PM)
Kol hakovod
You totally got it on the nose. People are so selfish and they turn down amazing girls because of all the reasons you said. When we started shidduchim and the shadchan would come back saying they heard beautiful things etc but it's not shayich, I used to get so upset. Parents need to learn that middos tovos and good heart is more important than yochus, money or other stuff. Anyways thank you for posting and I hope some of those people that have turned down amazing girls will read this and open up their eyes
(11/19/2014 11:33:38 PM)
to number 30
Well you totally missed the point!
If she had internalised that everything is bashert she would not care about the worlds superficiality she would just move on and get on with her life. Clearly she thinks the world is not bashert and that she controls it hnce the need for her whining on col.
(11/19/2014 11:36:19 PM)
To #44 and #50
It actually clearly says "but they dont think its sheyach" (6 works) in the beginning of the article, but looks like COL edited it for the heading and took out the word "but"
(11/19/2014 11:53:55 PM)
Have you ever applied for a job before? Its the very same process. Don't make it seem more archaic than it is.
(11/20/2014 12:16:41 AM)
Rabbi M.Oron

Welcome to the ghezer world of Chabad!
(11/20/2014 12:24:38 AM)
in the past
You don't know if the family heard your name before. That happened to us: same name from different people. It may well be that 2 hours was all they needed, if they researched you before. Maybe you have a reference saying something not negative but not positive.
I question even why you are getting this feedback directly. From the shadchan to your parents would be appropriate. You shouldn't even had been told about any of this until the boy's side showed interest.
One of the points of a shadchan is to shelter people from rejection and pain to some extent.
(11/20/2014 12:31:12 AM)
To number 32
Your last sentence is kind of oxymoronic. You only heard her feelings after you rejected the date (supposedly you were the guy).
You are a very grandiose thinker to think there are thousands of girls that you can go out with (for intent of marriage v'da"l)
If money is your issue there are plenty of funds that can assist you with that.
Lastly if you are worried about your time and energy, I could already imagine what kind of husband/ father you'll be.
So you convinced everybody it is not shayech.
(11/20/2014 1:03:25 AM)
boo hoo
U need an attitude adjustment. Tryy enjoying the single/ dating scene, think of it as -MAN SHOPPING, you like shopping yes?
(11/20/2014 1:29:35 AM)
whew! i hope if ur name ever came up, id be told"Not Shayach"
u sound full of urself!
(11/20/2014 1:31:41 AM)
To #8
I see you've been listening to manis Freidman:)
(11/20/2014 1:33:57 AM)
I read the 1st few lines
How did you decide so quickly that he may be the one? Did u meet him? What do you know about him to even be slightly moved that he said he dident feel like he WANTS TO DO EVERYTHING THAT HE CAN TO SPEND HIS LIFE WITH YOU
(11/20/2014 1:54:40 AM)
Maturity takes time,so marry a man that is older or more experienced in emotionally challenging situations
(losing a loved one,having gone through difficulties a little sadder but wiser,etc,)
D.Benveniste Halevy
(11/20/2014 3:46:54 AM)
First of all, a girl is never 'shayach', she is 'shayeches'.

And to #33: So your son would be embarrassed if he had irreligious in-laws? That's a real shame. I wonder if the 4000+ Shluchim attending the Kinnus feel as embarrassed by all the irreligious people they encounter on a daily basis. I wonder if they feel afraid to accept donations from such lowly irreligious folk...

I would feel embarrassed if I had in-laws who were as unaccepting and narrow-minded as you are portraying yourself...
(11/20/2014 4:05:31 AM)
# 7 you are making a mistake
I can tell you from my real life experience BH we made the right choice for my son, when our daughter in law was suggested for him we also said we do not want the Head counselor type we want someone quite etc, and then the name kept coming up so we took another deep look into it and decided to let them date and make the decision, I can tell you out of all my children who BH got married to amazing families and all have BH great marriages she is the best of them all, this women is full of Toychen (I wish some our Yeshiva Boys will know what this girl knows) she as got amazing Midos she is an amazing wife and best mother, and no she is not a macher she is full great balance of Seichel and Midos, looking back we thank Hashem every day we did not fall into thinking she is a macher, and realize the fact she was chosen to be a head counselor was because she got Toychen and she was able to pull together an amazing Camp, well in our society and way of life once girls get married all their focus becomes their husband and family so think about it if a girl got what it takes to run a camp deal with many issues she can run an amazing family, if I was you I would tell you Mother to let your Brother date her and make the decision.
(11/20/2014 6:50:19 AM)
This aricle is great - but it is addressed to those for WHOM THE HAT FITS. Somtimes it is easy to say it's not shayech - because of some important point that's not wanted. But sometimes parents, or the youngsters themselves - may be too quick and supercificial and have a judging and definitely - SUPERIOR vision of themselves. And possibly quite a lot of shidduchim slip through the fingers that way
(11/20/2014 7:10:08 AM)
k we all need 2 get a life
1st of all, judgmental is 1 word +2nd, maybe they had a legitimate reason +ur the one who is being judgmental by labeling them as judgemental
(11/20/2014 8:22:17 AM)
to #31
I would love to marry you. I will work as hard as you...50/50.
You make sure we are equal partners
I will even let you be pregnant and deliver our first child 50/50 all the way
(11/20/2014 8:27:06 AM)
TO# 16
at 26 you are old enough to be involved in the selection process if you feel that is necessary.

Why don't you tell your parents that you want to be more active in the selection process and want to know who is being spoken and why they are being ruled out

tell them that this is also an exersize in them being able to zero in on exactly what girl you need.

Alternately, you can have other people involved
(11/20/2014 8:35:03 AM)
Job interview
If you were not chosen for the job after n interview would you also bash the work place?
(11/20/2014 9:00:47 AM)
Mother of a girl looking for a shidduch
As a mother of a girl looking for a shidduch for my daughter, I can tell you that it goes both ways. Sometimes, my daughter get turns down, and other times, I am the one to turn down the name of a boy. When I hear the name of a boy whose parents are interested in my daughter, I make the effort to check him out. If I make the effort to check him out right away, it doesn't usually take days to get the information I need, and I get back to the shadchan pretty quickly. There are names that came up for really amazing boys, and I turned them down. Not because of superficial reasons and not because of yichus etc. After doing my research, I came to the conclusion that this boy wasn't suitable for my daughter. Amazing boy + amazing girl doesn't necessarily mean that they are compatible. As a mother, I have had numerous conversations with my daughter about shidduchim and I believe I am looking for what she wants and what is good for her. When someone says it's not shayech, it doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. It could often mean that they did their research and came to their conclusion. Would you really want to meet someone who is looking for someone very different than you, only to be disappointed that it doesn't work out? I actually appreciate when parents make the effort to check out my daughter and then say it's not shayech as opposed to those who won't even start to look into her because of some superficial reason. When I was getting discouraged about parents not even wanting to make the effort to look into my daughter, a shadchan told me, "Look at it this way. The fact that they turned down your daughter without even checking her out is a sign that Hashem prevented her from meeting someone who is not her bashert. Would you really want your daughter to meet 10 different boys before meeting her bashert?" So I try to keep this in mind and stay positive. The world of shidduchim is not easy, but B"EH the right shidduch will come at the right time.
Meanwhile, for all those looking for a shidduch, keep working on yourself, your middos, so you can attract to yourself the kind of person you want to marry. Take upon yourself a hachlata to make a keili for a bracha, don't blame others and keep on davening. May you all find your right shidduch very soon!
(11/20/2014 9:22:31 AM)
Totally missed the point
All she's saying is if two people are looking for a shidduch and one party says no based on a piece of paper or last name, there is no basis for that. Maybe it isn't shayach, but they don't have adequate evidence to prove that until the person is actually met.
(11/20/2014 9:55:11 AM)
So true!!!
Couldn't agree more. The most important factor is the single girl or boy themselves. Let's hope everyone takes this article to heart.
(11/20/2014 9:58:13 AM)
to #31
wow - you MUST have meant to say "work outside the home", because being a wife and mother is a LOT of hard work - otherwise you obviously have NO IDEA how much hard work it takes to run a home and raise children! EVERY woman doing that already has a job - SHE IS ALREADY WORKING!!! As for insisting your wife work outside the home - the flip side of that is that you are obligated to work inside the home - it works both ways. Are you prepared for that? If your wife works 35 hours a week outside the home helping to support the family, are you prepared to give 35 hours a week helping take care of the family IN the home? Yes, that means housework and getting up in the middle of the night even though you also have to get up to go to work, and it is a never-ending responsibility, 24/7, not just when it's convenient or when you aren't tired! Anything less from you makes you self-centered, self-absorbed and very self-righteous. Nor do I get the impression that you have much respect for women and all they do INSIDE the home as well as all those incredibly hardworking women who do both, work at home and go out to a job....what can that say about how much (little) respect you will have for your own wife.
(11/20/2014 10:55:37 AM)
#70 irreligious mechutanim - inlaws
Many shluchim absolutely would not allow their children to marry those whom they are mekarev or those with irreligious parents. Why is there a if anash have a chabadmatch already???? It's because they feel they are elitist and separatists. Your money is good enough for us but that's it.
(11/20/2014 11:25:54 AM)
To #7
I have a GREAT girl from a really nice family for your brother. she is refined, sweet, very pretty, a real catch. No she is not related to me, but she dated my son!! He was so impressed with her but HE needs a ra-ra-Head Counselor type. We were very sorry they weren't on the same page. I'd love to send you her profile, how can I contact you or your parents?
(11/20/2014 11:36:01 AM)
TO 81
Your comments are blunt & some might say harsh....but you are 1000% right. But it's not just shluchim, I've seen it with "regular" but hi-falutin' Lubavitch families. It was said to me, that "they" wouldn't take my family. You can't imagine how we felt. B"H my child got married as did all of them to children of wonderful, ehrliche families - some "spitz", some b'nei BT, some super "chushev" and the more chushev they were the more they chased us. Just goes to show that at the end of the day, normal people know a great catch when they see it. Unfortunately, some people aren't mature enough or are too pompous & full of their own egos to get the full picture.
(11/20/2014 12:08:42 PM)
Thanks for the compliment :-) I guess we underestimate the value of a bit of common sense these days... I'm guessing my boys are far too young for you, certainly far to young to marry for a good few years (I may sound older than I am :). But I wish you the best of luck - yes, your mom is right. I believe it is crucially important to look at the tree the apple comes from, too. I'm not suggesting we dig up the roots (though many would), just recognizing that the apple can only taste as good as the tree it comes from. Note I didn't say LOOK as good.
(11/20/2014 1:11:41 PM)
To #70
Shayech, refers to the shidduch, so its correct.
(11/20/2014 1:43:26 PM)
Always read between the lines...
To the author:

I too received many of these "Not Shayech" responses when I was going out. It basically means:

"We looked into you, and we saw something that tells us that you are not the one for our son."

In other words, there is a reason for rejecting the idea, but that there is nothing to be gained by discussing it.

Nobody likes to be judged. Yet that is a necessary part of the dating process. Getting turned away doesn't leave a nice feeling, but at least you know you are one step closer to finding the one (as I did!)

Good luck!
(11/20/2014 2:28:21 PM)
spot on. i really do feel for this guy's wife. in a person's writings you can sense a tone for their beliefs and attitudes. his are quite clear. and though i feel for his wife, i kind of feel for him as well, that his (hopefully) wakeup call is coming on a public website, but mostly, that he can't have had much of a positive role model in his father's attitudes towards women/his mother. It's possible that's all he saw and actually thinks his views are normal. Well, if he reads all these posts, hopefully his next date will be with a therapist, not a single girl. There's nothing wrong and everything right with using the time you have being single to work on yourSELF, so that when you meet your other half, the two of you together will in fact make a whole. Hatzlacha!
(11/20/2014 2:44:51 PM)
voices of reason thank you for making some clear sense in this murky sea of emotions.
(11/20/2014 3:44:08 PM)
To # 32
My friend , YOU NEED HELP ASAP!!!!!!!!!!!!
Put your name ,so we don't WAIST your time .
I can definitely get you some good help ,or direct you to some . I feel very sorry for you .
(11/20/2014 3:48:16 PM)
Get over yourself. With that horribly arrogant and close-minded attitude, you may never get married. Girls aren't looking just for a date, they're trying to get married too...and you don't know that she might just end up getting married to someone perfect for her, although maybe it's for the best that she didn't end up with you.
(11/20/2014 4:40:34 PM)
A rejection is a blessing in disguise.
(11/20/2014 5:12:38 PM)
to #32
and you think the writer is self-centered?

"...Unless i have a distinct pull to date a specific girl, i am not investing in a date.
I will not invest rescheduling two days for a date.
I will not invest my had earned money.
I will not invest my energy.
I will not invest my effort.
I will not invest my emotions.
I don't owe you an opportunity to prove your worth to me..."

You certainly are NOT SHAYACH to any decent girl!
(11/20/2014 5:18:40 PM)
Shadchan schnorring
All of you single people reading this: Send me your info!

I have an honesty policy and a policy of working directly through the young men and women. No games.

Be in touch! Let's make shidduchim!
(11/20/2014 6:45:50 PM)
To 16
I am a girl your age and ready to learn more about you...
(11/20/2014 8:16:52 PM)
To #85- Fair enough, but the author laments "Why am *I* Not Shayech".

To #81- Shluchim won't "allow" their children to marry their mekuravim or those with irreligious parents? That's an even bigger shame, especially if it comes across as elitist. That's basically saying that these Shluchim do not have faith in the very work to which they dedicate their lives. They seriously doubt the effect of their own influence? It's one thing if two people lack compatibility or do not share values, but it's a little unfair to effectively tell one's mekuravim that there are certain parts of our religion and culture that are off-limits to them. Besides, shouldn’t the decision regarding whom to marry rest with the boy and girl themselves? I seem to recall learning that from Rivkah in last week’s parsha.
(11/20/2014 10:03:38 PM)
See Alte Rebbe's opinion on Shidduchim
I urge every father, mother and Shadchan to
learn the letter written by the Alte Rebbe in the sefer
Meiah Sheorim. It teaches
us that when one decides whether a boy or girl
is suitable, that the logic is sheker and will spoil the

(11/20/2014 10:50:58 PM)
add "but"...
as in the first sentence and you have the six words.
(11/20/2014 11:10:41 PM)
To #55
Your response is so indicative of the entitlement mentality so many Orthodox mothers have. You are literally deterring your daughter from getting married if one of your criteria is a husband who doesn't want his wife to work. Unless you are marrying off your daughter to a rich boy, you are being unrealistic. I have four sisters and they ALL have jobs. My sister a crown heights resident is back at work a month after giving birth (she brings her baby with her). Your daughter is a princess, but she may have to work. Even if she does marry a rich guy she should still have a profession in case something happens to her husband. Good luck to you!
(11/20/2014 11:46:13 PM)
one solution

(11/21/2014 1:22:21 AM)
What are you talking about!!?? Women work all the time now, they get college education, married or single, they work hard and take care of their families and may work too, but women very often work almost twice as hard.
(11/21/2014 3:17:01 PM)
to #55
I do not think wives and mothers working has to be at all materialistic...many families need the income, and working does not always mean not being there for their families. Be realistic! Mothers do want the best for their kids, and sometimes that means having a job, whether the husband wants it or not! Sometimes this is essential, and very empowering when you see a woman capable of working to make a nice living while still dedicatedly mothering her children and being a devoted wife.
(11/21/2014 3:23:31 PM)
OMG I think you are very wrong here. Your son should not at all be embarrassed by his in-laws or his wife's background. If he is, I hope you open up your mind so he will find someone truly shayech for him. Often people who are from irreligious backgrounds are the most chassidish and brilliant people you will meet. You should give these girls/boys a chance, this is exactly what this article is speaking out against, refusing to date a prospective spouse for precisely the wrong reasons.
(11/21/2014 3:33:20 PM)
It is well known what the Rebbe said to someone who wanted to become lubavitch officially. he was afraid of being a tsukekuminer. (lit. an addition or newcomer in other words not gezhe). the Rebbe told him. that all the alter rebbe's chassidim were tsukekuminer but never the less their greatness is well known. recently printed in the kfar chabad
(11/22/2014 8:49:39 PM)
Not shayich?
The way I have always translated shayich , as relevant.
I maintain that it's not the nicest way to do it. How about it's not a match? Or it doesn't match up?
(11/23/2014 11:07:29 AM)
People have to get their priorities straight
Parents are making silly cheshbonos about who's shayich or not. Parents only need to ensure that the kids are on the same page hashkofically & that the person is a mentch. Leave "personality" for the boy & girl to work out. People click on many different levels. Remember that the most important thing to look for in a boy or girl is menchlichkeit. Not money, not yichud, not looks, not how much he learns in his spare time!
Older singles should take matters into their own hands & speak to shadchanim & make their own decisions about who's "shayich"
(11/23/2014 7:15:16 PM)
In defense of parents...
...ok, some parents really do believe their kids are perfect. However, many, even most good parents are highly aware of which of their children are shy, intellectual, capable, pleasant, prickly, difficult, sensitive, lazy, motivated... and are trying desperately to find that one right one for EACH one. A shidduch is not like a job interview in which the best candidate gets in. A shidduch is more like... mixology. Who blends best with whom? Give discerning parents a break!
(11/25/2014 3:35:40 PM)
...#32 Acharon Chaviv
Girls where is your Emunah and Bitochon?!
Hashgacha Pratis!!!

Don't turn to COL for a "sar hamashkin" to try and change the outcome, vdal!
(I want you to) Daven to 'Hashem' and/or sing Tehillim and move forward...
(11/25/2014 8:18:00 PM)
Thank you
It feels so good to read your article and to see that you are not the only one who got this rude words , and you are not the only one still fighting for get the perfect match without being through all this horrible stupid judgement , so thank you for sharing and thank you to express our feelings :)
(10/23/2015 8:41:20 AM)
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