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Wednesday, 26 Adar I, 5784
  |  March 6, 2024

Yes, ‘Waiting’ for My Shidduch

Anonymous Op-Ed: Why is everyone looking at me with these miserable faces and sorrowful eyes at L'Chaims or weddings while I don't feel the same about myself? Full Article

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May it be by you! is not a brocho
October 27, 2014 12:27 am

How can a single girl who has been waiting to meet Mr. Right for years, take a comment such as “may it be by you”…”i give you a blessing to meet your beshert” as something positive. Saying this to someone in this position is like telling someone who has cancer-” you’ll be better soon”. I hate to use this example as you can’t compare it, but thats how i feel these comments are-simply ludicrous. You have no idea how we feel, when we have to hear these words on a weekly basis, as these words are not blessings, they are… Read more »

there is a world outside of Crown Heights!
August 13, 2014 7:35 pm

Many people reject perfectly good shidduchim because they think that Crown Heights is the only place to live. Perhaps you should consider living outside the Crown Heights Box and then hopefully your shidduch and that of so many others would take place sooner, bezrasHashem.

23 Years Old
July 4, 2013 10:40 pm

Ummm, I’m 23 years old, firstly there are WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY more than 4-5 single 23 year-olds in the community- WAY more, this article actually made me laugh.

Secondly, I have never seen anyone pity a 23 year old– That is your own conscience making you feel as though others are looking at you.
(Sadly) people start looking funny at the upwards of 25 year olds , and pity the 28 and onwards.

I’m sorry that you feel as though others pity you, they do not. Enjoy your life

great
November 7, 2011 4:22 pm

very well said

To the author......
October 11, 2011 6:44 pm

You are a young lady with a very old soul. I love your analogies. And yes, we all live in time and deal with time. It is a dimension that humans experience. HaShem has ALL the time in the world and in the universe. The concept of “time” is different in the heavens. We must be patient with all things that come to us in this life that we know. Just live your life, enjoy what you do, do the right thing, and things will always fall into place the way HaShem intends them to. Good luck to you!! Well… Read more »

Shidduch
May 31, 2011 4:22 am

I would like to start a Tehillim saying meaning,that i organise the Tehillim to be finished world wide,for those who go in the parsha of shidduchim,not even for those who are desperate,but just to be a help for those who are even starting to look.But I keep on thinking how to do it? since people are not going to want to give their name,it will make them feel desperate.IN ANOTHER hand I know people who are desperate ,reaching the ages of 30 and above. Anyone has a suggestion how to do it in the most bekovedike way.So none gets hurt… Read more »

hajaron hajaron jabib
March 2, 2011 10:04 pm

Dear: Dont feel like that. Im HaShem wants you to wait, its because the good thing is just arriving!
Remember,, good things come in the last!!
AJARON HAJARON JABIB..

Dont desperate! you are going to be married and with children to take care very soon!

The Only Article in the Shidduch Section that makes Sense
February 10, 2011 10:29 pm

Thank you for writing this. I usually have to read this terrible paper on someone moaning about the unfairness of life. I’ve been waiting for something good, so thank you! I hate the “old” mentality IT IS RIDICULOUS! Honey when he comes, he comes… And to that first person “Smile”: THEY ARE STARING! (and I am 20 and married so I’m not saying that bc I “feel” the stares. I’m saying that because I am sitting with a group of girls when a 24 yr old girl walks by and they all say…wahy is she not married?? um…maybe because she… Read more »

yay
December 7, 2009 8:48 am

100!!

ehhehee
November 23, 2009 3:09 pm

i just have to make this thing have 100 comments, cuz that wld be hilarious

23 is not old.....sometimes its better not to be married at
September 11, 2009 5:40 am

a very young age…..I got married at 24 and have been dating since 18….I probably would not have married my husband at 18…because I was too stupid to appreciate him (and I was considered very mature and wise at a very young age)…
I am married many years and know that he is the greatest…unlike some who didn’t have the experience of dating the wrong people….and might have had confusion and doubt after their marriage.

ok, peopple!
September 6, 2009 7:54 am

lets make shidduchim!
email me: [email protected]
you email me your info, ill talk with you for a bit, and if i have a suggestion…ill send you their email and you can duke it out. 🙂

btw, im an amateur, but i still want to help…
(and im not charging. :P)

(oh, and im not looking, either, B”H…ill drag my chosson into this project if need be.)

To #44
July 28, 2009 4:34 am

I agree with you, i think one of the best people to make shidduchim are friends who truly know you. I am single and i have done some shiduchim, i told my mother who told a shadchan, i have done it since my high school years till now after seminary, it works, they don’t know it was me but i’m happy to know i made a difference to someone and you feel so satisfy when you see them forming their family. I have made about 4 shiduchim, sometimes i’ve spoken the mother into it. And B”H I have 2 on… Read more »

I support the singles event
June 8, 2009 5:25 pm

And I wish you luck. I’m not in the category so I shan’t attend but I think it’s a wonderful idea.

Also, it’s really nice when people respond to each others’ (grammar people–sorry, don’t know where the comma goes there) comments with respect.

a 28 year old
May 2, 2009 5:09 pm

dear all you commenters,
firstly you are totally insensitive, this is a topic that shouldnt be open for all the crown heights kids to yent on. Secondly, to #91 it was the Tzemach Tzedek who said” Tracht Gut Vet Zain Gut”
Thirdly: Whoever wrote bout shlumpy being tznius that is soooo wrong, off, and just need a better education. Tznius is something that makes a woman look dignified and beautiful and attractive, not attracting. Get the difference?

Thanks
May 1, 2009 8:30 am

Thank you! Finally someone who has the guts to say what I’ve been thinking, and I’m sure many others as well

KOVOD CHABAD STINKS
April 30, 2009 11:23 pm

IF YOU WANT TO HELP ONE ANOTHER YOU PUT IN ANOTHER YIDS COMMENT WITHOUT ANY SIDE REMARKS LOSHONHORRE ETC.

Two Comments
April 29, 2009 6:09 am

1. To the Author. Very nice article. Sorry about the Im Yirtze Hashem thing. Most of us really are just trying to be nice and upbeat. It’s hard to know what different people want to hear from you. 2. To many of you posting. PLEASE: A. Read the article carefully before you post. Many of you made completely inapproprorpriate comments about what the author said. Some of you interpreted the article so as to say the opposite of what was intended. B. I have to join my voice to the request for decent spelling, punctuation, grammar, etc. C. It’s difficult… Read more »

to 85
April 29, 2009 5:10 am

not very accepted in chassidic circles.
we dont really like to bring single men and single women together. maybe better go to a diff place

SG (single girl)
April 29, 2009 5:09 am

to 40
its not ”shlumps” its Tzniusdik. fact.
shlump is the wrong adjectives. todays standards have gone wayy wayy down. and listen, ifsomeone who was suggested to me doesnt want a quote ”shlump”, then i dont need him. im dressed tzniusdik and thats important. doesnt matter ill get married to the one that knows what counts. not ”classy” (=non-tzniusdik) but what the rebbe wants

to #82 and #86 and anyone else from #75
April 29, 2009 4:40 am

Ok, great…We need all the ideas we can get! Anyone else? I think it would be good to sit down with a couple of shadchanim (I know a few who have been trying to arrange something like this for a while) and a mashpia type from the community and see what we can come up with… Many of my friends (and myself included) are open to this type of thing if it will be geared towards a crowd who are “with it” and have chassidishe oriented values. From my perspective, the intention is to create an event that offers the… Read more »

Beautiful
April 28, 2009 10:38 pm

This is a beautiful article!

to #57
April 28, 2009 3:13 pm

besides for being far from pleasent .you aint to bright either

to # 75
April 28, 2009 2:55 pm

you are on the right track, im a 25 year old male and dated so many women that it wiped out my savings…JK

i think it is a great idea and i know many men would go for it…maybe a shiur with cocktails after a game of machnayim in the park on a sunday afternoon…just some ideas…you bring the women and ill bring the men.
how can we touch base?

!!!!!!!!!!
April 28, 2009 1:50 pm

SOOOOOOOOON BY YOU!
IM YIRTZE HASHEM BAI DIR!

1 track minded CH freaks
April 28, 2009 10:00 am

The next time im at a funeral and i see some of those peeps who always wish me bla bla bla, ill kindly wish them, I’yh By you soon!!!!!!!

SinglesSomething
April 28, 2009 6:09 am

To #75:

I’m behind you and all for it. I can pitch in and help out if needed.

TO # 71
April 28, 2009 5:52 am

im glad you are running a marathon.
i geuss when you sprain your ankle youll be out of the race!

another single!
April 28, 2009 4:33 am

I am 26. I have made a life for myself by keeping busy, i do like to study, so it helps. A lot of my friends run off to be in CH so they can find a shidduch. They are just “waiting” like so many others. If you always fancied doing a particular hobby or job, go for it. don’t say, “oh, I cannot do that. In case I get a shidduch next month” Make a life for yourself

my 2 cents
April 28, 2009 2:05 am

I’m a perfectly normal, good looking, single girl, ffb, good middos (if one can say that about oneself, but you know what I mean) and I’ve always danced happily @ friends and family chassunas. I’m in my 30’s now, for no explicable reason other then: Hashem wants it to be that way. Whenever someone comes over to me to say: bald by dir, I smile and forget about it 2 seconds later. but…it highly depends on who says it and how it’s being said. now about looks: please, we’re not all ‘modern or cool (read: non-tzniusdik)! a lot of kallahs… Read more »

thank you and the naysayers can simply shut it!
April 27, 2009 9:35 pm

you wrote from the heart, it is appreciated, i feel ya 100% and im a bochur in the same boat! Kol Hakavod.

About chabadmatch.com
April 27, 2009 7:36 pm

Yes, I agree it has great potential, only that it is VERY limited. Too little information is available to be viewed by singles and there are only a few shadchanim from the site who have been approaching singles with suggestions while there are a good number of shadchanim on their shadchan list. Those who started and upkeep the website are to be applauded for their very noble intentions! Some constructive criticism though is this: any boy or girl who will take the time to fill out the form and put their head to writing up about themselves is making a… Read more »

How about Chabad match.com?
April 27, 2009 5:58 pm

I think this website is very well done and has great potential to make many shiduchim in a proper way. Check it out!

to #68
April 27, 2009 3:19 pm

Quote : “I’m just waiting for the day that someone will come up with a better way of doing shidduchim. Come on, can’t we think of something??” Like a Single’s Event?!?!? I am a 28 yr old young lady and I’ve been thinking and discussing the idea with several mashpiim and shadchainm and have gotten a lot of encouragement from all. There should be something for ages 25 and up. Question is, in what forum, and would bochurim and girls show up? It could be arranged in a productive AND appropriate fashion. Ideas and suggestions are welcome! If you are… Read more »

To # 15
April 27, 2009 2:58 pm

Oh please!
Shadchanim are Shadchonim because they care…..
and not for the money

#72
April 27, 2009 11:39 am

Great point!

Just a single girl
April 27, 2009 11:36 am

See, we make it sound that if we are single were incomplete, lonely, sad , unimportant and so forth. Take this time of being single, and enjoy it, because when the time comes and we get married , we’ll never have that “alone” time again. Everything will be about your husband and children. I am not against getting married and becoming a wife and mother. And that from then on it will never only be about “me” but everyone else. I am looking forward to that, but right now i am going to enjoy single life.

to #65
April 27, 2009 11:03 am

uh, where have you been? yes it is a race, and not only a race, but a marathon. (at least in crown heights it is, whether you like it or not. i dont, but it still is a race.) the finish line is not 17 kids – there is no finish line!!!! but the rest stop along the way is getting married, and thats where many of us are trying to get to.

BS"D JUST WALK AROUND THE BLOCK WITH A SIGN AROUND YOUR NECK
April 27, 2009 7:37 am

IN CROWN HEIGHTS FOR AN HOUR.SOME BUBBA WILL CALL HER ZAIDE WHO WILL CALL HER MASHPIA AND VIOLA!!

get over it
April 27, 2009 6:13 am

maybe u cant get a date bec ur so sour and take everything so literaly
if yirtze hasem by dir is an expession it now basically what is sais instead of maazal tov to friends and family apart from the actual chosson kalla..
get over yourself nobody really cares if they did u would probably be married
i have no problem with complainers but find something good to complain about

SingleMyself
April 27, 2009 3:45 am

I’m just waiting for the day that someone will come up with a better way of doing shidduchim. Come on, can’t we think of something??

To #61
April 27, 2009 3:23 am

I wrote that comment and I am a woman, and that conclusion has come from many, many years of dealing with Shidduchim, including speaking to Rabonim, Mashpi’im and professionals.

You contradict yourself in your very own statement. Take a good look at yourself before making such comments.

to #55
April 27, 2009 2:24 am

The idea that “EVERYONE” is in the box, seems pretty narrow minded and “In the box” to me . stop bashing a take a good look at yourself

over-reacting.
April 27, 2009 2:03 am

i think that the most backwardness factor of all of this is that everyone is soooo obssessed with getting married, relax chill we are not running a marathon to see who gets to the finish line ( married with 17 kids) first! it will be the way it was meant to be and will happen when its supposed to so everyone stop feeling so pressured from the hispanic guy in bunchos and the lady behind the counter at the hoseiry store, because truth be told they don’t reall give a dayum. so. take as it comes and one day you… Read more »

I agree with #2
April 27, 2009 12:40 am

You never know the power of a Bracha from one Jew to the other. Instead of feeling that people are looking at you like a Nebach say AMEN and Thank You! They care enough to Bless you! How many Ba’al Shem Tov stories are there were a person’s life was saved meerly from someone wishing him a L’chaim?!?!?

everyone is right!!
April 26, 2009 9:59 pm

when i read this letter, i just knew what she felt even that you know that pple mean it well ( I also think that we are hurt when pple stare or bless us because we are upset or uncomfortable with ourselves and unconsciously we blame it on them), I think that everyone is right the ones that claim that its hurts and its not fair they are right and the ones from the other side that bless and stare they are right too as they have no intention to hurt- just let you know that they think and care… Read more »

To #54
April 26, 2009 9:15 pm

I’m sorry to say that you are an embarrassment.

I’m an older bochur, and I too would like to be physically attracted to my wife.

But your writing is disgusting. I feel very sorry for the girl who marries you. What are you going to do when she gets pregnant, or sick, or suddenly grows pimples. “Spend the time, get into shape and dress nicely”? How inconsiderate.

Who do you think you are? You’re definitely not a chossid, and you’re definitely not a mentch.

Sick guy…

shidduch
April 26, 2009 8:02 pm

very nicely stated. um, i’m looking for a shidduch so how about gimme a call.
M. S.

PEOPLE ARE SO DAMN STUPID
April 26, 2009 7:19 pm

Parents hurt their children by obsessing over the stupidest things. And “the women in shul, the hispanic guy at the bagel shop” act without thinking. Far worse than not being married is having people feel sorry for you. It’s a far worse feeling, so shut your trap, let the single person enjoy his/her friend’s simcha. Also, it should not take more than a week to come back with an answer. So so so not nice to make people wait more than that. And to #49, I”m a guy and so so so understand what you write. People here live inside… Read more »

26, Single, and graciously accepting "IYH by you"
April 26, 2009 7:11 pm

What’s wrong? No big deal – you just say amen or thank you with a warm smile and accept it for what it was intended to be – someone acknowledging you and wishing you ony the best. A little confidence – it will get you far… I’ve yet to find someone who pities a confident young lady.

DAMN
April 26, 2009 5:10 pm

I Just used up my last tissue box,
I guess I’ll have to buy more tissues and read it again

to #55 and other narrowmided people:
April 26, 2009 4:45 pm

20+ X = OLD!!!

20+ =
-MATURE
-LIFE EXPERIENCE
-EMOTIONALLY STABLE
-FOUND HERSEFLF
-READY
-LIFE SMART

drama person who likes the brachas
April 26, 2009 4:32 pm

drama drama drama tracht gut vet zain good have faith and youl see the creator doing the job unexpectedly well

The REAL problem in Crown Heights
April 26, 2009 3:51 pm

The REAL problem in Crown Heights is that EVERYONE is in the box. If you’re passed the age of 20, you’re old. Everyone looks at you. You become a rachmunis. What if you just arent interested in getting married when you’re 19? Or what if you just haven’t found the one?? It’s a sad reality-But it’s the truth. If you’re passed a certain age, you’re old.

To #46
April 26, 2009 3:47 pm

I hate to put people down, but you sound like an utter fool. Would you walk into a store to see what goods were in there if the outside looked like a garbage dump and makes you want to vomit? I cannot even begin to explain how ludicrous you sound. How can one look at someones qualities if they cannot get by the exterior barrier? There is a Halacha brought down in Rambam regarding a Jewish court of law, that both parties that come to make a claim in court need to be dressed in a dignified way, if not,… Read more »

put our heads together
April 26, 2009 3:45 pm

It seems that most people commenting on this op-ed are single and over 24, (im 25) the generation we were brought up in (for better or for worse) differs quite a bit from our parents. I think the boys and girls now are more creative and not as shy as they were 20 yrs. Ago. When we are on a date of course you are courteous and trying to give the opposite gender a pleasant time, but we never lose focus on the big picture…Is he/she going to be the wife/husband I would like for myself and for my children….… Read more »

Don't worry about what others say
April 26, 2009 3:38 pm

If you’re upset about what people say now, wait till you have a home and kids!
Sometimes, you have to learn how to ignore what others say (especially behind your back).

please dont have a complex..
April 26, 2009 3:33 pm

I seriously think that these single girls think everyone is starring at them. That is so not true, if she is truely comfortable with herself she would not have such a complex. It is okay to be single, her time will come. When ppl wish “imyh by you” they mean well, dont these girls know that?? Its time to hold your head up high and be proud of who you are, your time will come, and will be sooner than you think……..Hatzlocha!!

to the anonymous author---grow up
April 26, 2009 3:23 pm

when you stop feeling sorry for yourself , and you will not perceive people looking at you as feeling sorry for you.
a bracha is a good thing, and people mean well. accept it the way it is given.
do what has to be done, begashmius- don’t nix, and dont let your parents nix potenitial dates for stupid reasons
do what has to be done beruchnius- and be happy
bitachon means patience
hashem wont let you down.
may all those who need the bracha find the right one for themselves bekorov mamosh….
i”y by all of you

Extend friendship
April 26, 2009 3:22 pm

Do people realize just how trying it is to be a single girl in crown heights?! All day long, no matter where you are, you are being stared at, judged, analyzed and pitied. This is a burden added to an already very difficult situation. A girl cant just stop into a simcha to wish someone well and enjoy herself, it turns into a whole starring event. Its very uncomfortable. If you feel bad, please please please show some warmth to these girls. Imagine being from out of town, living alone in an apartment, and having people look at you like… Read more »

if you pity a singleton - help them out
April 26, 2009 3:01 pm

Its hard to be older and single. They dont have a place in our community. Imagine living alone, with no family, and no real place in the community. Its hard. Its very, very lonely. Instead of staring at her, invite her to your house, show some warmth and friendship. An invitation can go a really long way, for a person who is going through such a hard time.

shmiras eynayim- staring for a reason
April 26, 2009 2:55 pm

Take it as a compliment. Nu…so maybe your just good looking?

To #40
April 26, 2009 2:25 pm

That’s the problem! People are too into “Chitzonius” things like looks, weight, and how one dresses, instead of looking at the qualities of the person!

reflection
April 26, 2009 2:05 pm

note – people often see you as you see yourself, and relate to you as you relate to yourself, its the face you put on that causes others to respond to you lovingly, happily, pitifully etc. I know its hard, but try, try to truly rejoice in someone else’s simcha, try to smile it out and engage others in happy conversation (youre at the simcha either way… so make it worth your while) there are many brachos that accompany simchas chasson vkallah, try to see each event as an opportunity to earn yourself more points above, and to sell yourself… Read more »

Out of the Box --- WITH PRACTICAL ACTION
April 26, 2009 1:53 pm

I saw this comment posted once before and never saw any outcome, so I present what was once posted: If bochurim know bochurim and girls know girls, why can’t these “website” that host their “‘lists” be more accomodating; if these site would be ACCESSIBLE TO ALL (i.e. not just to the “professional” Shadchanim) and set up with a person’s name, age, location and a small blurb about them, together with preferable contact people to serve as their Shadchan (for as mentioned in this string that it is agreeable that many (…) are not that concerned about the person (or both… Read more »

number 31
April 26, 2009 1:51 pm

your funny – who are u?

#21 said it well!
April 26, 2009 1:50 pm

There are alot of really great girls & guys out there! Just because they are still single, doesn’t mean that they are any less of a person or don’t deserve the very best. It just means that they haven’t found the 1 single person they plan on spending their entire life with. Like #21 said, If everybody’s married friends would sit down for a few minutes & think about their single friends, then the process could be much easier & then your single friends will gladly except your nice Bracha for finding a shidduch. 🙂 May everyone find their shidduch… Read more »

Seriously people. Get a life. (From 2 friends, 1 married and 1 single. Ages not applicable)
April 26, 2009 1:29 pm

Shouldn’t everyone be out there and doing constructive things with their lives, instead of sitting on COL and bashing each other???
Everyone in Crown Heights stares, thats just how it is. Sad but what can you do? Thats why we dont live there.

Also—please spend some time learning how to spell
Gei Fifein

To #17
April 26, 2009 12:32 pm

You could not have wrote it better!
I cringe looking at older girls dressed like shlumps!!
maybe if they dressed classy and attractive they would not be waiting too long…..

staring..
April 26, 2009 11:42 am

doesn’t everyone stare regardless of what point in life in the frum world….feif un!

well said....but
April 26, 2009 11:37 am

As a part time shadchan, I often am concerned with the frustration of parents who seem to be more desparate that the boy or girl concerned. The word ” bashert” means exactly that. It is in the hands of Hashem, but we, and I mean all parties, the parents, and the shadchan need to be proactive and not sit on their hands waiting for things to happen. The basherter is there, he or she just hasn’t been alerted as yet. it is a sensitive issue and must be dealt with sensitivity, and sensibly, of course,

shidduch waiting
April 26, 2009 11:36 am

as traveling worldwide with rabbi simcha ashlag shlita i have many times heard he says go to sleep the latest at 10.30 pm and usally within 2month maximum your engaged also essential is making a photo copy of your parents ketuba and keeping the copy at home and the original by a next door neigbor or friend which is not family related at all is also a remedy for many problems in the jewish family inclusive shidduchim chutz lederech hateva you can contact me at 0033659961734 i am now in paris please if i can help with advice with great… Read more »

Waiting.....................
April 26, 2009 10:43 am

Yes, I’m a waiter (no, not the food kind 🙂 ) – and its not my fault that I’m waiting. Before attacking and writing that I shouldn’t be sitting back and waiting, but rather be doing something constructive, blah blah blah, take a minute and think of at least one very good, legitimate reason for a girl to be waiting. I know quite a few girls in the same position as me, also waiting their turns. And so what does it help us, to be doing something to “speed up a shidduch” as was mentioned before, if it really is… Read more »

I am 29
April 26, 2009 10:11 am

I am 29 years old and it never bothered me when people say “iyh by you”. I know that they mean well. I always smile and reply “Thank You” and I don’t feel bad about it at all.

Btw, you’re still young. 23 with 4 friends? Ha! The challenge starts in 2 years.

to #32
April 26, 2009 10:03 am

everybody has potential. Hashem made us that way.

to 26
April 26, 2009 9:42 am

i feel sorry for u that u think like that .i feel very very sorry for u that u are a fool.

I'm am someone who stares
April 26, 2009 9:23 am

i stare because i care. i am checking you out to see if you look like someone with potential

please stare
April 26, 2009 9:02 am

I’m a 24 (pushing 25) bochur. i don’t get any sympathetic looks or stares.. should i feel sorry for myself??

wrong, wrong, wrong
April 26, 2009 8:56 am

You do not have all the time in the world and you just can’t wait for things to come along their way

We always heard from the Rebbe horaos how to speed up a shiduch or doing something constructive to help it come

It also says that the shiduch you get depends on the state you are in in that period of time. This shows that it is in your hands to do something and not only sit back and wait “for your turn”

so true!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
April 26, 2009 8:41 am
#26
April 26, 2009 8:35 am

so feel sorry if you would like, but what is the point of feeling sorry? What have you attained? Whom have you made feel better? Except to tell them you have something that they don’t…(very nice manners I must say)
Surprisingly though, there are more than a few unhappy couples who do not feel “whole”, so there is that too feel sorry for as well.
I don’t think it is all so simple. You are married and POOOF you feel whole? Life is a bit more complicated.

#23 from Reality Check
April 26, 2009 8:25 am

No one wants to be lonely, or asks to be lonely. But Hashem has no doubt put people in that situation for a reason, and not just any reason but a Good reason. You can sit with the pain, or you can come to peace with where you are when you are. Your choice. Though once again NO one is denying pain, the question is what will you do with it.

We DO feel sorry for you!
April 26, 2009 8:20 am

This is an answer to the one that wrote that our society does not respect singles:

Hashem says that he created man and woman as one. Meaning that without one, the other is not complete.

Its not about if a married person is more happy then a single one. Its about being whole.

So, yes, we do feel sorry for you and all other singles – or bachelors as bochurim call themselves these days – that you are not complete.

Laaniys Dayti
April 26, 2009 8:09 am

To all the wonderful girls out there, living in a demographic low-tide. (Yes, there are more girls than boys.) Tayereh bnos yisroel, listen to the confessions of an elterer yid from Mars (gender.) a) The male species has a different (and more robust) ego than the feminine version (excluding some females of the masculine personality.) b) A “grade A” bochur probably doesn’t want a “grade A” girl (achiever in the secular, also known as a “bochurette” in the chassidish) – except that some fools fancy a pretty face and want tops there (alone). c) WHY? He will not be aware… Read more »

if your a good shidduch and the right age just get somone bc thair are alot of ppl who need a shidduch
April 26, 2009 8:07 am
reality check?
April 26, 2009 8:03 am

There is no “gift” in being lonely, in watching your friends and family get married whist the years go slipping by. There is no “gift” in having noone to share your life with, and having stand in the limelight exposed to the entire world whilst people critisize, judge and try come up with reasons why you aren’t married yet…., please dont tell me its in my imagination, ive been in this shiddich world long enough to know how true this is.

excellent atricle!!

sara
April 26, 2009 8:03 am

I think the reason brachos from people is annoying to those who are not yet married is because they feel perhaps a bit embarrassed, or inadequate. Because in reality why should the good wishes of another Jew be annoying? If someone does not give you a bracha, they may feel they are being insensitive. Some people really feel hurt if nobody gives them a bracha and overlooks them. So you really cant blame someone for giving a blessing. YOu have to figure out why it is so annoying to you! Maybe the fact that you dont feel so bad is… Read more »

A BOCHURS RESPONSE..
April 26, 2009 7:57 am

In the society in which we find ourselves today and with all of the advances in technology and communication, it is almost hard to believe that we have a ‘crisis’ on our hands. The amount of guys and girls in lubavitch that are single has sky-rocketed in the last couple of years. Blame it on what you want… people being too judgemental, too narrow-minded or the simple fact that we don’t have the luxury of getting a written response from the rebbe about who we should marry.. the facts still remain. I know that everyone has an opinon about what… Read more »

Reality check?
April 26, 2009 7:40 am

Uh, possible problem is that being single in the Chabad world is not really valued or respected. But you only have a place in the community once you are married, Yet the years one is single are very important and in many ways such a gift. The people “staring” don’t seem to realize that, maybe they never will? Oh well, their loss.

im 28
April 26, 2009 7:39 am

im also waiting.please g-d.

you will get married on time for YOU!
April 26, 2009 7:18 am

says HaShem, not me!

And I was 28 (not frum) when I got married, and barely mature at that age, even. It is better to marry the right person for you than be married for the sake of being married anyhow. Are all these people who are clucking their tongues happy, or just relieved that they’re married like everyone else? Your bshert will arrive on the scene when HaShem decides it’s time. You can have the shidduch scene – I hope it falls apart long before my kids are that age!

Regarding "Bashert".
April 26, 2009 7:17 am

“If you really care, do something instead of staring at me. ” When it comes to Shidduchim, there are things that are beyond your control, and things that are withing your control. You need to make sure that you are doing anything and everything within your control to make a vessel for Hashem’s Brocho to manifest itself in this world. That said… Before you decide to blame “society” for your Shidduch issues, ask yourself this: Am I REALLY doing everything I can on my part, or am I just sitting around and waiting for something good to happen? Am I… Read more »

Surrendered Single
April 26, 2009 7:17 am

Read the Surrendered Single and relax. Control is the enemy of intimacy. No one is looking at you and if they are you must be pretty. No one is staring – it’s your perception.

well written
April 26, 2009 7:05 am

i got married late, and i know too well how anoying when ppl say iy”h by you soon.
p.s the shadchanim don’t care about you, they just want your money. hatzlochaoh

From your fellow unmarried 23 year old bais rivka girl
April 26, 2009 6:55 am

I too am waiting on line…thank you for your beautiful article. It was really an inspiration.

20-something-year-old-bachelor
April 26, 2009 6:41 am

Personally, I don’t mind the “iy”h by you” wishes, at least the person is pretending to take note of the fact that you’re still single. As far as “another op-ed complaining and criticizing the Shidduch system”, I think that might actually be more effective than a ‘touching’ metaphysical reassurance…

agree!
April 26, 2009 6:36 am

wow! this is exactly what i’ve been saying for the last 3 years and i’m only almost 21!
very well written!

SO TRUE!!
April 26, 2009 6:35 am

Sometimes you don’t want to go to a friends l’chaim just because of all the pitiful stares and annoying comments……

very nice and true
April 26, 2009 6:29 am

Guys and girls, please stop making us bochrim or girls feel bad. if you realy care do something about it!

Laaniyas Dayti
April 26, 2009 6:27 am

1) So eloquently said. 2) However this eloquence evokes (in me, at least) a sense of concern, that you may call “pity”. And so the wheel goes around – sometimes spinning. 3) There is an inherent problem in what you are facing. Chazal tell us that before the child is born…. “bas ploni to ploni…”. So we assume it is this certainty you justifiably await. 4) EXCEPT: Pre-Rabbenu Gershom (from the time of that maamar Chazal) there could be multiple “bas ploini”s to one ploni… 5) In the 10 centuries since Rabbenu Gershom childbirth took its toll and many men… Read more »

25 and going strong
April 26, 2009 6:25 am

how about 25 and 25 plus is there another label other than post seminary with several stars. we r an elite group going strong, we r teaching your children, grandchildren, helping u out in your shlichus without any responsibities interfering. respect and awe would be in place instead of yentishe frowns and crocodile sighs.

any suggestions???
April 26, 2009 6:19 am

how do you think the Shiduch system in Chabad could be improved???

BTW — don’t worry about all the stares you get. People who look at everything as being half empty will give you those looks, you obviously see things, the cup is half full. Good for you and keep on truckin…..

Brilliant!
April 26, 2009 6:15 am
shadchan tired
April 26, 2009 6:08 am

ON THE OTHER HAND THE SHADCHANIM IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD LEAVE AN AWFUL LOT TO BE DESIRED!!!! SOME ARE PRETTY USELESS AND OTHERS HAVE THIS LOUSY ATTITUDE

huh???
April 26, 2009 6:07 am

Would u rather ppl ingorning you and not even asking? Or when they do ask, should they answer ‘good’ when hearing that you are still single and looking?
I don’t get you

Happiness breaks thru all barriers!
April 26, 2009 6:07 am

B’‘H, there are hundreds of young people who need shiduchim. The social makeup and knowing who is who among our young people is almost impossible to ascertain. Young people need to have more input, and more ways of letting society know who they are. Often parents are too involved and do not allow perfectly good shiduchim. Often parents are too little involved and no shiduchim are brought to them. Worst off all are parents who think honestly they know who their children are and what they want. However, exactly the opposite is the reality. The parents do not know what… Read more »

Smile.
April 26, 2009 6:01 am

sweet girl, most people aren^t staring at you. And a brocho from a yid is a powerful thing. Accept them happily and willingly. Hatzlocho rabo on this journey of yours and all your future ones.

almost 23
April 26, 2009 5:58 am

wow, this is precisely what i go through.
thank you for writing this.

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