Oct 26, 2014
To My Daughter's Classmates

From the COLlive inbox: A mother writes a painful public letter to the happily married classmates of her daughter.

A public letter to all of my daughter's classmates from school,

As I sat in shul this past Yom Tov, I saw my daughter's friends come in one by one. They all had 1 or 2 children with them, some KAH had a 3rd on the way. My daughter jumped up to help them, cooing over their lovely children, playing with them and laughing with their mothers over the chochmos that the kids are doing or saying.

And my heart is breaking because my daughter should be part of that "married group."

She is the same age as you girls. You were together with her in school for 12 or 14 years. She was a good friend to you. You hung out for hours at our home. You studied together, you crammed together, you vented together. You ate suppers at our house. You even spent Shabbatons at our home.

She was ecstatic when you got engaged. She made sure to be at your wedding and danced with true joy for you. She tried to be helpful when you gave birth and offered a listening ear when you needed to vent about life, work or sleepless nights of childrearing.

What have you done for her? Do you actually care about her? Yes, you are busy, but is that all what it takes to forget a childhood friend who continues to be one today?

All you have to do to turn her life around is suggest a suitable bochur for her. It can be your family member or your husband's. A friend of a friend, or cousin or classmate's.

We all focus on many of the 10 Mivtzoim of the Rebbe. We go at great lengths to put Tefillin on a fellow Jew, hand out Shabbos candles, pay great sums for Chinuch, line up the shelves with seforim, etc.

One of the most simple Mitzvos you can do is finding your friend a shidduch. It's the Mitzvah of Ahavas Yisroel. And the beautiful home that she will Beezras Hashem build will be to your merit that you should have success in all other Mivtzoim.

It takes 10 minutes to What's App a friend or even calling to inquire about a shidduch for your "friend," who wasn't fortunate enough to get married yet and begin fulfilling her life-long dream and mission of creating a home in Israel.

It's 10 minutes out of the 1,440 minutes there are in the day. Network with your friends, your husband with his friends. Imagine what you can accomplish. We are responsible for each other - not to mention your friends.

You are my daughter's good friend. Why did you forget about her?

A hurting mother

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Opinions and Comments
Why do you assume they havent suggested? Why is it their fault your daughter isnt married?
(10/26/2014 10:00:33 PM)
Simple Mitzvah?
Obviously its not always that simple. Friends may have ideas
but not necessarily the right ideas.
(10/26/2014 10:04:28 PM)
How do you know???
This can be true, but I, personally have suggested a name for a friend of mine who isn't yet married a numer of times....Hatzlocho! May we hear good news soon!
(10/26/2014 10:12:07 PM)
GReat idea to publish this letter...
... sometimes we forget those on the sidelines hurting...Kol Yisroel areivim zeh lozeh...Help your friend out, girls...

Someone in Canada
(10/26/2014 10:16:40 PM)
My heart breaks for u
She sounds like such a wonderful girl, may she find her bashert bekorov mamash!
(10/26/2014 10:16:44 PM)
I was really thinking
Their has to be a network
Group Shadchanim .
Very dedicated men or women
Work on Shidduchim
For girls over 26,28,30.
I am willing to help with leg work.
(10/26/2014 10:22:10 PM)
So very true.
I hope this will serve as a wake up call to us all. HELP YOUR FELLOW JEW its EVERYTHING
(10/26/2014 10:22:10 PM)
Moved to tears
I'm am so moved and emotional over the painful letter that I just read. I agree with you- we need to shake up the world ppl friends and family there is a terrible crisis. I however have a question. I am married for 10 yrs and have a very good friend who is not. I have tried but I'm limited with ppl I know. I have suggested and keep on here and there an daven for her. What else can I do. I would love to do more and make Shidduchim. Any answers?
(10/26/2014 10:22:16 PM)
Come on
I'm sure her friends are trying very hard to find her a shiduch. Maybe it's time she takes what's being suggested instead of waiting for the perfect man.
(10/26/2014 10:23:46 PM)
You are so right
I will try to dedicate 10 minutes each to working on Shidduchim
(10/26/2014 10:25:43 PM)
Couldnt have said it better myself!! The only legitimate shidduch offers come from friends- wake up girls! Start recommending guys for ur friends! Keep an eye out!
(10/26/2014 10:30:42 PM)
Dear Mother: just call your daughter's friends ONCE A MONTH one by one and ask them to do it
(10/26/2014 10:36:09 PM)
Very moving. It's true that no matter how busy we are with our lives and families, we must never forget our single friends, BS'D.
(10/26/2014 10:36:57 PM)
Let us not forget how the single friends were there during dating, lechaim - pretending to be happy and staying til the wee hours of the night(or was it morning?) engagement, appointments, arranged a shower, laid out money that was never paid back, arranged shtick, made the Kallah happy during the wedding making sure she was happy drinking sitting etc. and staying til the very end. then when this single friend gets engaged what does this married friend do? She leaves the lechaim at 10:30 because shes "tired", gives a measly $10 towards a wedding gift and will do you the biggest favor by staying at your wedding until 11:30, because *gasp* she has work the next day. Thats what this article ahould really be about. Its the real problem. Many girl become selfish and self centered after their married. *sigh*
(10/26/2014 10:40:57 PM)
it will always be this way in this unfair system and world
i understand and feel for you and her but this world is sick and unfair MARRIAGE DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE GOOD OR ANYTHING, im also single and people think if their married, their special
(10/26/2014 10:41:30 PM)
Friends are overrated
As a single girl with many married friends.
I have come to realize how overrated friends are.
While I danced and made showers, happily for my friends.
They have yet to reciprocate. So to all single girls - don't overextend yourself for your married friends - they probably will not do it for you (I'm sure there are exceptions to this - and some have true friends) but sadly for most this is the reality
(10/26/2014 10:43:47 PM)
Good for you
Please spend time to help single people.
A mother
(10/26/2014 10:45:15 PM)
Oy my!
Oy ...well put!
(10/26/2014 10:53:10 PM)
We are
Your pain is felt. Please dont underestimate us. We DO make calls and inquiries despite are bh hectic lives. We DO care about our not yet married friends.
(10/26/2014 10:55:53 PM)
Thank You
As an older bachur I cannot begin to thank the author enough for writing this. For anybody reading this, I can attest the much worse than not being able to find a date, or the someone who is not interested or someone who does not want to go out again, is you friends. It hurts far worse to watch as your friends experienced the pain of being single and know the joy of being married but don't "know" you or your how miserable you feel and will therefore never think of you. What you realize is you have become nothing more than inconvenience who is worthless to everyone around you. we can preach about vehavta l'reicha klamocha all day, but until we learn to think of others even when it is inconvenient and not as an explicit chesed, than we do not know what love means. The Sassover ztk"l said it all, "If you loved me you would know what pains me".
(10/26/2014 10:56:31 PM)
Great article! Regular, ordinary people need to get busy with shidduchim! I've got a track record of zero shidduchim, but I called a shadchan before Tishrei with an idea. "Don't tell anyone it was my idea," I begged the shadchan. "What if people get mad at me for suggesting such a dumb match?" The shadchan answered, "Stop worrying. TWO THIRDS of the shidduchim I make are ideas suggested by other people, and they just want me to follow through with the process." Yes, folks, guys, peeps, it's up to US!!! By the way, my suggestion was a bad idea and they never went out. The family match was OK, but he was much too frum for her. But B"H he got engaged shortly afterwards anyway. So I'll keep trying with my crazy ideas. Now I hope you're convinced to see something and say something, too!!!
(10/26/2014 10:57:17 PM)
thank you for that reminder
We are sometimes so busy and caught up in our own lives and need to remember our friends. May your daughter find her basherte very soon.
(10/26/2014 11:02:40 PM)
to the mom
Zalminov the sofer is a shadchan who made over 44 shiduchim in the last 5 years.. I dont know his number but he seems to have a knack. You can find him in the tzach list
(10/26/2014 11:05:03 PM)
maybe they have tried
Just because you haven't heard from them about it, it doesn't mean they haven't tried to do exactly what you described. perhaps they've messaged friends and family members but come back fruitless.

in general I dont like the way people always put it on the married friends like it is their responsibility. if they can help, then it's very nice, but if they dont or if you dont hear that they do, they are not to blame.

p.s. married friends of mine and my husbands were the ones to make our shidduch..

and if your daughter is not married yet, ,that's ok. of course all efforts need to be made but it will happen at the right time. (coming from someone who got married many years after many of her friends.)
(10/26/2014 11:07:34 PM)
you are %100 right
thank you so much for writing this letter!!!!
(10/26/2014 11:11:23 PM)
I understand
I understand your hurting, I'm sure it must feel devastating, but I feel your opinion stems primarily from emotional resentment rather than rationality. Erroneous beliefs are beliefs and defenses we build up and replay with anger so we do not have to know the truth about our self. Blaming others is a way of life for some people. You are focusing on the negative instead of going into problem solving.
Anyway, may we be zoche to hear the happy news on COL bekorov.
(10/26/2014 11:25:28 PM)
It will come
I feel your pain. Maybe these friends actually tried and for whatever reason,it's not working out. At the end of the day, it's up to Hashem and we have to daven, give tzedaka,etc
I wish you and all the mothers out there to hear very good news very soon, Amen
(10/26/2014 11:27:38 PM)
when theres a Will...
Many of these older girls don't want yo get married. They are dellusinal most times. Don't blame others
(10/26/2014 11:30:14 PM)
Wish I knew someone
I have single friends who I would do anything for, if it would help them find their bashert. I truly don't have anyone I can suggest. May you merit to walk you daughter to the chuppa very very soon.
(10/26/2014 11:31:56 PM)
Agree with #1
It's not fair to assume her friends aren't looking. Maybe they haven't come up with someone yet, but it doesn't necessarily mean they aren't trying. I don't think you give them enough credit.
(10/26/2014 11:35:08 PM)
Sending HUGS!!!
First of all to Poster #1 may you never know the pain of a mother's heart breaking for her daughter. I 100% agree with this mother. Our society has gotten way too self involved to think about one another. This is "selfie" culture-where it is perfectly acceptable to snap a photo of oneself to post for everyone to see. We should all work together to help our children find their shidduch. It really does "take a village".
(10/26/2014 11:36:27 PM)
to a hurting mother
ouch...you are suggesting, not that the shuddachim have not worked, but that they have not even happened. This suggests not merely neglect but perhaps a problem or issue that her friends find difficult to address. Are you communicating openly with your daughter? Are all expectations reasonable? Blame is not a resolution. And, this is a time for hope, humor and positive energy............
(10/26/2014 11:37:04 PM)
Random nothing to do with the article but I think u guys should get a thumbs up button
(10/26/2014 11:50:51 PM)
Not sure
I am a shadchanit and I constantly get ideas from young married ladies who are too embarrassed to speak the shidduch themselves. They call me to speak it for them. But they are thinking of their friends, and they feel terrible for them.
I feel bad that your daughter is from the many unfortunate ones who have not found their bashert just yet. It's easy to blame when you are hurting. You can blame the friends, you can blame the shadchanim, but please know, that we really do care and we are trying!
(10/26/2014 11:53:32 PM)
on the other side...
Mother i agree with you, and i empathise with the pain that your daughter is most probably feeling too. Its very very hard, and unless someone has felt this pain too, no one should comment.
(10/27/2014 12:01:26 AM)
often people are limited in who they know
I (not a youngster) make suggestions often and when we ask our immediate male family for suggestions, they also only have a limited amount of Bochurim they know. Is there a website that could provide reliable info or profiles on eligible Bochurim which anyone can view without a fee?
(10/27/2014 12:07:02 AM)
Let us have some ahavas Isroel. Everything is in Hashem's hands, Rebbe always told people that. Also et us not be judgmental towards the mother who cries out for help. She is 100% right, no shadchan knows the girl as well as her classmates. They need to try. I just want to try to suggest to the mother to tell her daughter to talk specifically about the shidduchim with her classmates, sometimes they are trying to be delicate and think what if she is busy or will be upset by who i am going to suggest, there are always two sides to the coin.
(10/27/2014 12:12:29 AM)
Just saying
Most single girls I know are very picky and are waiting for the perfect man. People are good and always try to fix up single friends coz they do care. Hashem created a bashert for everyone so the girls have to open themselves up to receive. Good luck to your daughter may she find the right one soon!
(10/27/2014 12:15:53 AM)
Feel the Pain but Don't Take the Blame
Yes, the young marrieds should feel the pain of their single friends and do their best to help them out, but I don't think it is fair to criticize young marrieds for not having enough time or money to spend on their single friends. Most singles are free to choose how to use their time and money, marrieds have to invest those two precious commodities in their family. Of course, part of building a true Jewish home includes giving time and money to others, but your spouse and children must take priority over friends.
(10/27/2014 12:41:38 AM)
Hey to all the single girls..
.. Listen "from a single guy" I can tell you that your married friends are more depressed and have more anxiety and trouble and stress in their lives then you! Just remember that when are alone wishing you would have someone. G-d gives good and bad to people in all types of situations. Not only " married " or "not married " you most likely have a better life then your married friend. And let me tell you more.. The friends that DO suggest for you, THEY are the happy ones (depending on the season) - to #9 I just don't have any words that would help you understand what life is about.
(10/27/2014 12:51:10 AM)
Do you know what is exactly men your daughter is looking for ?
Give instructions for your friends , your daughter friends with minimum or full description /requirements ( real ones not from the Cinderella story .).. Look on your daughter from the side , not as a lovely mother but more like a merchant /seller and try to sell this young lady to the first guy/shadchanim that you know ....maybe she needs some investments to look more attractive to be sold today ....she must try to date a lot of bohrim to find the right one ... Or do it for her so she will be happy with the one that you found
(10/27/2014 12:53:50 AM)
Uh......... not to sound too judgmental, but for you as the mother, what have you done to resolve this issue? I'm certain that you would respond "plenty", of course! Therein lies the question, what is it that is causing any, and all, of the potential matches that HAVE been suggested up until this point as being non-compatible (and as someone who has B"H made successful Shidduchim in the past, I would not entertain for a millisecond the notion that "there just aren't any "good" boys out there").
I'll be very frank and honest and I don't mean to be condescending or offensive in any way, but many a time that I have been presented with a very similar scenario as the one which you write about, I have found after an extensive and often exhaustive amount of effort that it honestly boils down to the girl herself not really wanting, or being ready to get married!!
Of course they go on and on about how "this has been their life's dream" and "It's just not fair" etc.,etc.,yada, yada, yada. However, after witnessing a number of them being presented with a plethora of outstanding potential suitors and having every one of them turned down for the most ridiculous of reasons I realized that there was an inherent underlying impediment from which the girls were suffering. After consulting with a number of highly regarded mental health professionals, it became glaringly apparent that a number of these girls had a deeply rooted sub-conscious fear of commitment, while others (many of whom had become professionals - accountants, nurses, PAs, etc.) had an "aloofness" issue that they could not get past the idea of getting married to someone whom was less "professional" than they - regardless of how "good looking" or stellar the character of the boy!
Sometimes, yes, just sometimes, we need to start looking for the solutions to our problems a lot closer than we might otherwise feel comfortable doing.
Much Hatzlacha to all of you and may we merit to hear wonderful news very soon.
(10/27/2014 1:06:41 AM)
this makes me angry
Dear mother,
of course it's painful but IT'S NOT THE FAULT OF YOUR DAUGHTER'S FRIENDS.

a) it's your job to get her married, not theirs (know how many friends I have worked on their shidduchim because their mother WASN'T doing the job, or wasn't doing it right? many.)

b) HOW DARE YOU ASSUME. have you asked the friends if they have thought of anyone for her? many times friends DO try to think of someone. sometimes they just dont know anyone who would fit. sometimes they think of someone and they do try to suggest it but for other reasons it doesnt work out. Especially once older and their husband's group of friends are married, not necessarily do they know other single men. How dare you ASSUME they have "forgotten" her? That is extremely unfair.

the married friend who has seen and contributed to what friends do to help their single friends,
(10/27/2014 1:09:01 AM)
To #14
Clearly, you have never been married.

Implying that a married woman with kids to care for and a job to get to should stay at your L'chaim past 10:30pm is nothing short of utter immaturity. The fact that she stays until 10:30 is in and of itself a sacrifice.

Which brings me to my next question: when you single girls arrange bridal showers and attend the weddings of your friends, is it all so that they should do the same for you? Or are you doing this for the sake of the Mitzvah of bringing joy to the Kallah?

Get this fact straight: A married woman, especially with children, will likely NOT be able to reciprocate the lavish bridal showers, nor attend a distant or late wedding.
(10/27/2014 1:15:54 AM)
great article!
I couldn't agree more! Thank you for speaking up!
(10/27/2014 1:32:28 AM)
to number 38
Who are you? How can you talk that way? You obviously are not a single girl going through the difficult stage! I have been in the 'parsha' for a number of years now and let me tell you I am not picky and am very open to all suggestions and guess what I can count on one hand the amount of guys I dated! It is not easy to get a date And yes Iit is very difficult living when every single friend of yours has moved on...
(10/27/2014 1:42:00 AM)
An interesting irony
My daughter got married to a great guy at age 19, and KAH is very happy with a bunch of kids....but still has a slight envy of the single friends who get to travel the world, go to school, go out to dinner ....spend money on expensive clothes with their own earnings....while every penny her husband and she earns,goes to pay rent, tuition, bills.....babysitters, housekeepers.... I"H your daughter will find her Bashert. You need to do all you can, and also have Emunah! But in the meanwhile, make sure she enjoys her single life, because it will not last.
(10/27/2014 1:44:31 AM)
so why
So why when a shiduch is offered you parents turn it down? Is it cuz es pass nitch? You need a fancy family? Let me tell you dear parents your daughter wants to get married so don't turn down when you get a offer and then ...........
This is a common problem that I don't see any articles about but it is spoken alot. We pray for you to have a simcha this month
(10/27/2014 2:20:15 AM)
Not their fault!
I'm also a mother who begs Hashem for my daughter.... And I know that her friends try and pray for her bh....I never think they haven't Ahavass Yisroel..Chass vesholem....it's a nissoyon from Hashem and WE ALL pray for it to end soon....
(10/27/2014 3:08:49 AM)
So Tired....
This is such rubbish:

I am sincerely sorry for your hurt, but this whole shidduch thing stinks.

I tried joining the shidduchim to try to help my friends who were suffering and sounding just like you. But this is what I found:

1. Girls (Specifically) have this illusion that some knight in shining armor on a white horse is coming to sweep them off their feet: (He needs to have a full beard, he needs to be fit, he need to be learning, he needs to have a parnassa, he's too modern, he listens to non-jewish music, he watches movies... etc.)
2. The social status and category placing MUST stop!!! (Oy she's he's divorced, they have kids, he's sfaradi, her parents are divorced, she has a non-frum sibling... etc.)
3. Not knowing what you really want in life: (making lists, prioritizing, envisioning the life you want to live... etc.)

In my experience these were the top 3 challenges I have come across. I simply stopped arguing with these singles.

My advise is simple:

1. If you are serious in finding a shidduch - give a person 2 chances at least! - go on the date - even if it seems "not your type" - you might be surprised!
2. Stop looking for excuses why not to go on the date and look for excuses why to go out on at least one date if not two.
3. Don't look at the person's past - look at the current and weigh the future.

Only Simchas!
(10/27/2014 3:25:05 AM)

This Mom isn't blaming! She is begging! Pleading with you to think about her daughter! Maybe you and your husband - on Shabbos - can think of all the single men you know and focus on this woman! Ask you friends to do the same.

I know what the mom must be feeling. BH, I was married and BH have children! But it now 18 years that I am alone! and very lonely. BH, I have sibling,s children, and lots of friends. A few of them suggested some nice men over the years. No I am not picky, but my bashert has not come by yet.
There are so many single people hurting out there. We can all help them by putting our hearts and heads into it.
May this year we be blessed to see many marriages!
(10/27/2014 3:39:37 AM)
As a mother of a daughter looking for a shidduch, what pains me most is that the mothers of boys don't want to make the effort to even look into my daughter's profile because they have too many names so why even start to look into someone who is not from America; or because they don't know our family yet. The 'no' is not even based on having looked into her and not finding her suitable; just superficialities. And yes,I have gotten many possibly suitable names from family but how do I get the boys' parents to take the time to seriously check my daughter out?
(10/27/2014 4:56:06 AM)
Kol Hakavod
This letter is long overdue. I can say that I have seen other girls and boys in the same situation and they are the forgotten ones. There are married friends who do try to make shidduchim but they don't always work but it is the effort that goes into it that counts. I have made 3 shidduchim and none for family members. I try and do my part in helping the singles in my community and even those that are overseas. It pains me to see what is happening. I don't have children of marriageable age yet and I wonder to myself what it will be like for them in 10 years time when it is their time to start looking. You are so right that it takes only a couple of minutes a day to think of someone else and try and make suggestions.

I hope your daughter finds her beshert immediately and that she should have the same happiness as her friends.
(10/27/2014 6:36:48 AM)
They do forget their friends, yes they do
And divorced friends too :) gam lereahu yisana rash, veohavei ashir rabim. Vedal merehu yipared. Solomon
(10/27/2014 6:42:22 AM)
I know a bad shadchen takes your mony and forgets about you
(10/27/2014 7:14:54 AM)
Mother's Pain
To all married young couples: Do not try to justify your inaction
or agree with the article, discuss it over coffee and go on with your lives!! Do something, think of someone; the way someone thought of you!
(10/27/2014 7:28:24 AM)
ur daughter sounds great! would i be good for her?
(10/27/2014 7:52:51 AM)
To #44
1. Noone said those friends Have kids. Infact most of them DO NOT have kids yet.
2. No, we do not do it to get it in return, clearly we dont, because it happens over and over again and we still are there for our friends. When we do all that we do for our engaged friends, its because we are good friends. All we are asking is for that in return
3.As a single girl we also have responsibilities ans i had responsibilities when the friend got engaged. We work (some of us more than one job), go to college, date and have family responsibilities. But we made the time for these
Girls. They are our friends and we made the effort. If the married friend does have kids, her husband can watch them or get a babysitter for a few hours. Get real. Stop with the excuses. I could have come up with 10000 excuses when my friends got married but i didnt. I pushed myself and did the right thing to make my friend happy. Now married ladies, its your turn, step up to the plate.
(10/27/2014 8:14:36 AM)
Give all Lubavitch boys perfect education
To all community , start invest in your kids education , specially boys that by age 21 -22 he will have good parnosah to provide for his family , this will low the bride age to 18 automatically !!!
(10/27/2014 8:30:39 AM)
Single bochur's perspective on being there for a friend
As a Single Bochur when i travel or fly to a friends chassuna or stay at their lchaim till late at night i consider it "chesed shel emes".

To have the pretence that they will come to your chassuna or be there when you need them leads to disappointment as your expectations are not realistic.

Peoples life's change and things come up. One should be ,mindful that the top thing on their mind after changes of such magnitude isn't their friend, they are trying to work their own life's and marriage out.

When I help a friend, if i where to do it for something in return, I wouldn't consider that Friendship or a favour , that's a business transaction!

A friends is someone who helps ones friend put because you love and care for them, without expecting anything in return. If they reciprocate then ma tov umanoyim but that's not what a friend is about.
(10/27/2014 8:33:05 AM)
we can't fix them.
I spend hours everyday thinking about all the unmarried people in my community. I look at the list and think about people I might know for each one. I have made many suggestions over the years and I'm always told, "Oh, we wouldn't want anyone from that family." Or "She's just not our type." And there are the parents who think their children are so special and different, but to the rest of us we can see that their kids are pretty much the same as all the other unmarried kids.

What about the married without children? We daven for our friends. We try to be sensitive to their pain. But we can't fix it.

What about couples getting divorced?

We can be sensitive to other's pain, but we can't fix them.
(10/27/2014 8:41:44 AM)
My comment is to #26.

You wrote that the author is blaming others and focusing on negative attitudes.You know nothing of the writer yet you are an expert on her emotional state and character. Let's not forget your knowledge of her mothering skills. I have never read a more cold and simply mean comment. Certainly one thing is clear, YOU would NEVER put your self out there to do a favor for a friend.
(10/27/2014 8:52:25 AM)
every time a friend makes a suggestion for me I appreciate it, even if it's far off. It means they're thinking about me and that in itself is encouraging. Thanks to the friends who do this.
(10/27/2014 8:53:24 AM)
While on the topic of friends helping friends, it is not only shiduchim where friends are hurting. There are many people suffering unfortunately in other areas as well, financial stress, a sick child..... If we would stop and think of how we can make it just a little easier for someone els we would see a huge difference for the better in all our friends and within ourselves.
(10/27/2014 8:56:17 AM)
This worked for me
My friends were all long married and I was not. Some one told me that if I would say the entire thillim everyday for 40 days it's a segula for a shidduch. Well I did just that and believe it or not on that last day a phone call came , we went out, I took one look at him and just knew this was it. Well worth the wait and happily married for 18 yrs kah !

Try it it works!
(10/27/2014 8:56:32 AM)
To 43,
Don't you 'get angry". It's so easy to write nothing like you did . Did you stop to think that maybe the mother writing this letter is a mother who does make constant calls? Who perhaps has exhausted so many possibilities she is just speaking from her broken heart? WE FIND IT SO EASY TO SHRUG SOMEONES HEARTACHES AWAY. A woman in our community wrote this painful letter, she means it from her heart. Do not attempt to simplify or negate the message,
(10/27/2014 8:57:29 AM)
Married friend
I was one of the first girls in my class to get married. Although I spent a lot of time setting my friends up , I never mentioned a name to them until I got a positive answer from the boys side. Unfortunately the boys have more names and the answer was usually negative . My friends had no idea how much effort I put into helping them and although I acted casual around them I did hurt and feel for them more then they will ever know. Besures toves!
(10/27/2014 8:59:41 AM)
Thank you for your kind letter. I found that you left out, when people do research on your child, how the information giver will make up loshon hara about the family or child to deliberately ruin the shidduch.
(10/27/2014 9:04:07 AM)
great idea number six, i would love to talk to you
who are to help girls or boys 26, 27, 28
why not? id love to her what you have to say?
(10/27/2014 9:25:05 AM)
it would be nice to say that they tried . it would be nice to say that "oh well she is picky" as one of my daughter's good friends once said to her. nothing is further from the truth. they have dropped off her radar screen, they have less time for her . and still she keeps up with them ADMosai!
(10/27/2014 9:38:45 AM)
thank you
its good to know we're not alone in this and that other people feel the same. thanks for expressing it to others
(10/27/2014 9:40:20 AM)
(10/27/2014 10:13:38 AM)
Let's blame someone!
It can't be that the friends either have depleted their ideas, or are not good at coming up with good ones, or probably have tried to come up with ideas the mother didn't approve of.
Or even if they all sometimes have good ideas, doesn't mean the daughter gets married just because the friends really want her to.
But yeah, let's blame someone, so why not her friends, who likely care about her not being married more than you know.
(10/27/2014 10:21:55 AM)
so so true
as a single girl, sometimes i'm stunned by the behavior of girl's. the day after there wedding, the "friend" that spent with you hours upon hours - just doesn't don't exist anymore. and it's not just shidduchim. how about the long Friday nights? shabbes afternoon? chol hamoed? vacations?
(10/27/2014 10:33:22 AM)
Difficult time
My daughter is 27, getting married in one month. All of her close circle of friends were married at 19; have three children. I did not know where this Shidduch would come from; I literally worked on it every day for years and years, without stopping. In the end a Shaddchun suggested it; a Shaddchun who I thought had forgot about my daugther; a Shaddchun who basically told me not to nag her three years ago so I never called her back. It is a boy who lives across the street from friends of our son, the boy works with my friends son. All these people truly tried to think of people for our daughter; however, they never thought of this name.

The one thing that kept me going as a mother of a girl going through this was knowing that on some level everyone was working on it in some way.

It is alright for friends to let you know they are working on it; in this way the collective community gives support during the process.

In addition; may I suggest that parents of boys and the boys of course be open to girls that are older than their boys. There is nothing wrong with a girl who did not get married at 19...........there is a shortage of good boys. Look at the match not the age.
(10/27/2014 10:43:44 AM)
did you make her a kidush when she was born? if not make one now! good luck!!!
(10/27/2014 10:58:26 AM)
friends with no reasons
I'm a married lady who has suggested a number of men to my 29/30/31 year old friends but all I get is "thanks for thinking of me". I have no idea which direction to take or what was wrong with my offer
(10/27/2014 11:05:44 AM)
Just putting a thank you out there to my dear, awesome married and busy friends, who haven't forgotten about me and do take the time to think and try!
Love you guys!
(10/27/2014 11:14:52 AM)
To #62
Uh oh, you're contradicting yourself, you say #26 is too judgmental without knowing the circumstance, yet you end off "certainly you would never do a favor for a friend" if that's your take cause somone has a "opinion" you're quite judgmental yourself!
(10/27/2014 11:15:43 AM)
Oh, the assumptions...
I love how everyone assumes singles have nothing to spend money on except vacations & clothes & entertainment. I am single, work 80+ hours per week, never eat out, have never been on vacation and am responsible for all my own needs (rent, bills, healthcare, food etc.) and anything extra goes either into furthering my career prospects (education etc.) or straight into savings for either my wedding or a down-payment some day (and, unforunately, we are talking a very small amount so far). Most of my married friends are a lot better off financially and work a whole lot less.
(10/27/2014 11:16:04 AM)
take any guy?
some of the comments here are astounding. just because a girl is "older" doesn't mean she needs to settle for any male. There is nothing wrong with expecting a guy to have a job/career and a plan to support his family. It's really not a lot to ask.
(10/27/2014 11:17:31 AM)
Married was once single
I remember how hard it was for me when I was in the dating stage and how much my married friends were constantly bringing up Ideas and helping me out. A true friend so there for you no matter what, married....with a kid....no matter what stage or what life brings. A friend that is not there for you was never a true friend in the first place. I now always try to think of ideas for my single friends but just as it is hard for the parents to think of suggestions along with shadchan in so too is it hard for us. We need bithochon
(10/27/2014 11:25:09 AM)
Real Friends are always Friends, the orthers pretend to be your friends, when they need you
I was once in a chssidishe shul when the shul was pretty empty (maybe three four people), amongst us was an elder chosid (who was a gevaldige bal chesed beside beinng a first grade kria rebbe for many many years) in his younger years he actually learnt in lubavitch. He struck up a conversation with us re; shidduchim and mentioned the names of many of (anash) bouchrim and girls ,that need to be helped with shidduchim, so someone said to him what can we do, he gave the yungerman a slap in the face and said , "do you at least say one kapital tehillim a day for these people" , Many of the people writing comments here B"H dont understand the article, because , it iis Not their Son or Daughter, so they dont feel the pain.
(10/27/2014 11:31:34 AM)
Right on
I didn't read all the comments, but this is so true. Introducing people by way of friends is such a good idea but so overlooked and neglected, in my opinion. I'm also single and I have an acquaintance who is friendly with a man who I know is single and I would love to be introduced, but they haven't thought about it. Please help us out!!!!
(10/27/2014 11:40:02 AM)
Make a Keli
If i am correct the rebbe said to make a "Keli to receive Brochos. take on an hachlota, something the the Rebbe pushed for or something.
(10/27/2014 11:53:53 AM)
Maybe you have a point
but who says we haven't tried?
I tried to set up high school classmates. Didn't work. A few almost worked but didn't get far enough to actually become an official suggestion.
I STILL try, even though B"H my high school classmates are all married, to find shidduchim for friends I made after high school.
For some reason it never works out.
Is that my fault?
Should I have told you every time, so that you could get your hopes up only to be let down again? Should I have told you every time, only to find out that you aren't looking for the same thing your daughter is, and therefore won't agree to anything unless it is sold to you a specific way? Should I have told you so that you can drill me on particulars when I am still trying to sort them out myself?

Believe me, I try. But that doesn't mean you know about it.
Maybe you are the problem and the reason your daughter hasn't yet found a shidduch?
(10/27/2014 12:03:52 PM)
#83 100% Correct
Beautiful storie we all need to take it to heart.
Nothing more-Nothing less.
(10/27/2014 12:10:56 PM)
Citizen Berel
I know 3 men between 25 and 35 who have been looking for years. 2 of them are not crazy. I know 2 girls who have been looking for years. The 2 girls will not entertain even dating the 2 previous despite my wife's entreaties. One wants a 'looker' and one is bothered by the family. There are plenty of men who want dates. Who are pining to get married. I know for a fact that they will date pretty much anybody. They cannot get dates. They work hard but don't make much money. But Brocho comes by virtue of the isha, correct? I for one had no parnossa when I got married. Don't know what the issue here is but I suspect that girls who can't get dates don't want to date men who can't get dates. But men who can't get dates will date anyone. I know this. They tell me.

So here goes. If you know a girl hovering around 30 up to even 37, 38 who is not clinically insane, and she will at least date a sleeper candidate: By all means reach out: hevelvarik@gmail.com (it's a working address).
(10/27/2014 12:12:47 PM)
Grow up
Very good if you're great at helping out your single friends. She is obviously not addressing you then. Obviously collectively more can be done and it's great that you are not part of the collective that is falling short on what they can do. Gee whiz.
(10/27/2014 12:14:12 PM)
dan lechaf zchus
We all understand your pain.
H' has a plan and we all know that. Your daughter will find her beshert in the right time. The time that H' finds right.
I have heard lately numerous cases of divorces among young couples. Happily married is all relative. Our society is very demanding and the values are distorted. We have to look for the right priorities.
(10/27/2014 12:17:21 PM)
i thank hashem every day that my kids are married . b h
i have one more to go
i feel yr pain momy who wrote this
may hashem hear yr cry's and answear quick
(10/27/2014 1:14:55 PM)
Blame Game?
This article is complete garbage. Don't blame your daughter not being married on her friends.
(10/27/2014 1:16:44 PM)
The issue is not usually the best closest friends.There are people who were good friends throughout school sat next to each other in class etc.After they get married (first) they ignore their single friends.It is very painful.And yes when a girl made an effort to come be misameach your simcha because she felt it was the right thing to do why is it you do not even bother to show up when it is finally her turn?Where is your sense of obligation.Is your heart so cold that you do not care.?Show up for 10 minutes if you can't do more.If you live out of town call her up!These people danced at your wedding only your simcha is important?you have no idea how hurtful this complete disregard is.Being married first does not absolve you from the mitzvah of ahavas yisroel.Wake up!!
(10/27/2014 2:22:08 PM)
Hit the mark!
What a pleasure to read Sensible Op-ED that puts the stress on "how we get out of the situation" and not "it's your falt why I'm in this situation".

Brad steinhults
(10/27/2014 2:36:34 PM)
hold your comments till you are married.
To those that are upset at their friends who don't reciprocate the late nights at simchas etc. Wait till yo u are married with kids and then you'll rethink your comment. No matter how busy a single is you can not compare it to being a mother.Sorry.
(10/27/2014 2:40:41 PM)
Dear #9 - Come on,
Did you settle when you got married? Should I have to settle because I'm older?
(10/27/2014 2:44:18 PM)
You could believe there some folks who don't want to get married.
(10/27/2014 3:11:42 PM)
a mentch and Yiras Shamayim!!
Lets have our priorities straight. There are things in the area of Yiras Shamayim that should be non-negotiable. Every Tznius, Chassidish girl has the right to request that the boy be Chassidish. To comment #50: The following concerns by Tznius Chassidush girls are valid: (He needs to have a full beard, he's too modern, he listens to non-jewish music, he watches movies... etc.) "

The best recipe for stability in a marriage, is to make sure he's a mentch and a Yiras Shamayim!!
(10/27/2014 3:15:46 PM)
dear mother,
I hear your pain and frustration. Alot of us have been there, each of us with a different story. I can only tell you as much as I can think of, to help you. (and see, we are all commenting here, so there are people who care). I would say that you can NEVER be sure that people are not helping. You don't know what phone calls are made. What would they do, call you and tell you that something was suggested? If it was not viable for any reason, you would not hear that, so you don't know.
Another point. If you were running a race and you had a blister, for example.....if you needed and wanted to win, or to do your best, would you stop to tell someone that your blister hurts? No. You would keep running and doing your best. When I had a "dry spell" and didn't get calls for my child, I started new "campaigns".....calling new and different shadchanim, calling others to ask about names of other shadchanim maybe I never heard of , and/or asking them if they were supportive respectful and effective. I wrote notes on all that. I also started trying to make shidduchim for other people's children. That in itself was very powerful. i started it to just get the mitzva, keeping in mind that it could be a connection,.....because just as if you give a bracha to another yid, it comes to you since we are all one neshama (alter rebbe). It helped alot. All I can say is, that complaining that people are not helping is more on the useless side, since you do get to vent, but it does not do much for moving forward and being pro-active. We cannot stay in our box. We have to learn new names, meet new people, and this can lead us to more shidduchim. Also having Shabbos guests help, as people remember you to others. (where are you eating for shabbos? and then your family is mentioned and remembered). My friend often says that using your energy is very valuable if its done right. Sadness and depression is not like steam to get the engine going, but the desire to get results (b'ezras HaShem) is like steam which runs the train's engine. Keep positive, keep moving, and daven for more ideas of ways to find your child's bashert. Whether or not that people are helping as much as they can is not the issue, and that can just slow you down by complaining about that. Its about moving and keeping yourself on the goal. You will learn new options if you keep your mind open for it. B'hatzlacha rabba.
(10/27/2014 3:21:17 PM)
A broken mother
My doughter became 39 years, smart thin capable, any one know shaschanim??? Please help us
(10/27/2014 3:21:26 PM)
I am crying
Dear Shadchanim of Crown Heights and Dear Friends, You cannot imagine how many phone calls I have made in behalf of my 23 year old beautiful, educated tsniusdike,daughter who does chesed and has exemplary midos. Yet it is very hard to get a return phone call or a name even suggested. Tell me what is going on. My heart is broken. It bleeds for my child and for other children. There has got to be a better way. She is not the type to go out and find her own. She is Chassidish. What is the answer????? Is anyone listening???
(10/27/2014 3:42:04 PM)
I am single
My friends are married, the last of our group got married this year, leaving just me,
Although there is some truth to this article, Id like to thank my personal married friends for doing their part, and I'd like to say that I do see some marrieds not falling into the trap of selfishness described in some of these comments, so thank you thank you to those married boys and girls who can think beyond their own noses and have tried to help their single friends and cousins, as my friends have.
There is hope to humanity!
(10/27/2014 3:42:36 PM)
To me, it sounds like you are more hurt then your daughter. If she's going to her friends, and helping them with the babies, and being there for them is because she is fine with the situation. She understands that Hashem has plans for her, and it's not her friends fault that she isn't married yet.
Maybe they tried finding someone for her, maybe they already suggested someone, or maybe they don't know someone to suggest.
Taking conclusions is easy, but to act is different. So maybe you should also act more, and not post an anonymous letter on COL, but to talk to people you know. I'm not saying you didn't do, I'm just putting it out there.
It's easy to blame other people. But the truth is that there's no one to blame.
Beezrat Hashem she'll be married soon living in Yerushalayim with Moshiach Tzidkeinu!
(10/27/2014 3:48:22 PM)
Stop Passing Judgement
To all those who claim single girls are just being picky and need to be more open minded or more serious about commitment - you are either incredibly judgmental or just plain smug. True there may be some individuals acting as such, but how can you make blanket statement like that?

Can you understand the pain, loneliness, and fear that singles go through? The pitying glances they need to endure, the patronizing, judgmental attitudes of others towards them? Can you comprehend the frustration singles feel when they continuously try to be open-minded, try to date people who may not be quite what they are looking for, try to maintain a positive outlook and still have nothing working out for them through no fault of their own? There are many singles who are trying a lot harder, being a lot more open-minded than their married friends ever were - and yet they haven't had the mazel yet to find their match. And then to be told, "Oh you are just being picky", well that is being dismissive of the singles and just making yourself feel good.

So please, either try to think constructively and try to set up compatible matches, or keep quiet. Your smug and judgmental attitudes are just hurting people who are already hurting - through no fault of their own.
(10/27/2014 4:28:17 PM)
Just a thought
Keep in mind, if a single rejects your suggestion - maybe, just maybe she/he has a valid reason for doing so. Don't jump to conclusions and scream foul right away.
(10/27/2014 4:30:02 PM)
Get them married young
18 for girls and 20 for boys and this crises will end!
(10/27/2014 4:52:23 PM)
levi r
shadchanim are a waste of time and $. network with friends. speak to one more person EVERY day. and Use chicagoshiduch and other such groups
(10/27/2014 5:07:19 PM)
Why is it top priority for most of these chassidish parents to have their daughters married off by age 19? Life expectancy is so much higher than it was even 50 years ago.
(10/27/2014 5:27:43 PM)
Will they be supporting themselves? That does not solve anything but make them more dependent on others. Times change.
(10/27/2014 5:43:47 PM)
to # 14
from ur first comment and second comment, it is clear that u haven't experienced married life. clearly when people marry, they wake up to life and grow out of their stupidity. I hope that happens to u because ur comment was an embarrassment! how dare you judge someone in a situation that u have never been in yet????
yes I would spend close to a hundred dollars on my friends showers and weddings as a single girl. but once I got married and had bills to pay that u clearly don't have, im grateful when I can scratch together 10$ for a friend.
shame on you for labelling this as an excuse!!
I hope u face married life soon, it might make u a more understanding person.
(10/27/2014 6:33:41 PM)
a father
I pray that this girl and all other girls find their bashert quickly.
(10/27/2014 6:37:51 PM)
As an "older" girl myself I must say that I have thought this very idea many many times over the last 10 or so years of my dating life. To all those who say - "how do u know what people do for you"? Or "it's not the married friends responsibility" I can tell you this - I am a very social outgoing person who seems to know "everyone" in many different countries (I even am embarrassed at this characterization when people constantly say it to me) . I went to 3 different school, seminaries, day camps etc etc and I probably go on one date a year. I've even gone as far as emailing large groups of my friends and asked them to sit down with their husbands and find me ONE NAME, of one single guy they know. I never received any response from any of them.
No, they are not to blame and no, they are not responsible and I believe with perfect faith that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be at this exact moment in time, but where am I supposed to be finding this man of mine? Shadchanim nowadays mostly set me up with "oh he's an over 30 guy you're an over 30 girl" - don't know him or me very well. I'm at the stage where I really need to be meeting men through people who know both me and him (to some degree at least) and where is that gonna be from other than my friends ?????
With regard to what single girls do for their friends getting engaged and married - it really isn't about what I do for them they must do for me ..if that's why you're doing it than don't .. Married people have less time to give and have other priorities ... But if they are really your friend, they'll appreciate it and give back to you in other ways. I do think though that married friends should make more of an effort and when things don't work out - mention to your friend that you were working on something, or had thought of something even if it didn't work out. It helps to know when people are also trying.
(10/27/2014 6:42:32 PM)
read #83 again!
for all those who claim they r doing something ....THE ARTICLE IS NOT TALKING TO YOU! so stop it with the ME ME ME AND ME AGAIN! KEEP ON DOING !! EVERYDAY TAKE 10 MINUTES !
(10/27/2014 8:39:03 PM)
Dear Mom,
Bitterness won't help your daughter get married.If I wanted to list my family issues with gezunt,parnasa,frumkait, and that's just a start,I'd be here all day. It's up to each of us to work on our emunah and simcha! THIS OPENS THE CHANNELS FOR BRACHAs! Hatzlacha.
(10/27/2014 9:01:45 PM)
to 106
Check the maturity level of an average 18 year old girl and a 20 year old boy. Tell them to get married....you'd be looking at a divorce crisis.
(10/27/2014 9:16:06 PM)
sympathize however not so simple...
If finding a marriage was so simple there wouldn't need to be a section on collive called shidduchim sos. I hear what you are saying but in truth neither finding one's bashert nor ahavas yisroel are easy tasks. On the other hand there are some ways ways in which we complicate this process even more than it must be. By this I mean rejecting possible shidduchim because somebody thinks they are "shpitz" and so "important" but the other doesn't have "good enough yichus".
(10/27/2014 9:55:36 PM)
Sorry, but...
I'm married now for about a year and I ALWAYS think of my friends. I actively suggest people for them and I always follow up and see if things went through or not. A lot of times my friends don't even know that I was the one to suggest something, because I go straight to a Shadchan and tell them to suggest it for me. I even harass my husband to think of people for my friends!
I think it's extremely unfair to say that married friends forget about their single friends.
I am very happily married and I want all my friends to feel the same happiness I do.
I hope your daughter finds her Beshert quickly and easily.
(10/27/2014 10:18:31 PM)
YOU People are ICE Cold!!!
Wow, Many of you are terribly condescending--this is a MOTHER in pain. If you have nothing supportive to say simply moooove on! And... to poster 99 the social worker... you made many valid points--however I wish they had come from a place of support and love. Any time a person begins their statement with "I don't mean to be condescending...." they generally are. I am assuming you are gentler with your clientele.
(10/27/2014 10:30:50 PM)
to #101
I might know a boy for your daughter (obviously, I don't know either of you, but I'm basing my suggestion on your description and her age). Email me at shulammis@gmail.com.
(10/27/2014 10:42:37 PM)
ahavas yisroel for frum yiden residing in crown hights as well
the late scholar and chosid reb moshe aharon geisinsky obm would often say :af al pi shelo choto is also yisroel hu....
(10/27/2014 11:10:59 PM)
Don't forget the shadchanim!!
Just a reminder to thank the shadchanim who are working or have worked on your child. Send them a gift send them a check send them a thank you card. It goes a long way.they don't owe anyone anything and are not paid for the time. And of course you will be on their minds more often.
(10/28/2014 12:14:20 AM)
Have come up with ideas for older girls just to have their moms turn down for no good reason. Girls - look for yourself. Maybe mom's fault you are not married
(10/28/2014 1:04:17 AM)
Kallah at 49 B"H
The Rebbe gave important advice regarding shidduchim and marriage throughout the years. Anyone involved in any way might want to review this great wisdom and then to follow the Rebbe's advice. If one is not fluent in Yiddish or Hebrew, a three-volume set, ETERNAL JOY, (which had not been published 15 years ago) will clarify many of the issues expressed by the distraught mother and those who have made comments.
With gratitude to Hashem, the Rebbe, and all dear friends and teachers, may we hear wonderful news soon! All the best.

(10/28/2014 1:49:18 AM)
Sad Sad Sad...
I know of many people in the same situation. There is a great Facebook group, although it's not so busy, perhaps you can look at that. I know some people who have been helped through it. Just a PSA: https://www.facebook.com/groups/635946716449912/

(this is not meant to be an advertisement - it's a free service meant to help people in dire need)

Let's all pray that everyone will find their true Basheret soon.
(10/28/2014 3:51:42 AM)
Crazy thought, but by reading these comments, there are a lot of older singles.
Just as you have on the side columns, employment, for rent etc why don't you have simple shedding profiles with an email address for more info?
(10/28/2014 8:00:48 AM)
Many of my daughter's friends have 5 and 6 kids. This is very painful.
(10/28/2014 9:25:42 AM)
Spoilt for choice?
Was it always this difficult to match up frum youngsters and even oldsters back in the day? Is it because it is such a judgemental world out there, and although there is more free flow in the way of choice, contrariwise it is too much of an 'easy come, easy go' route. If either party refuses to compromise just a bit on desirable attributes, it might be because there are 'plenty more fish in the sea' type of attitude.
(10/28/2014 11:20:09 AM)
Sometimes the mother is the problem.
I found my husband at age 20.5 and my younger sister found hers when she was 23. I had gone on exactly one "proper" shidduch date; my sister was set up [through my mother] with dozens.
Both of us ended up with DIY shidduchim...all of her trying to be a good girl didn't help, because our mother just wasn't looking for what we needed. She was looking for what she wanted.
For goodness' sake, after wondering whether she should give me the okay, asking her rav, being told that it was a good shidduch, and then us getting engaged - she decided that this wasn't the right guy after all and tried her very very ultimate best to split us up.
My sister's taste is more similar to my mother's than mine, so she had less issues. But on the other hand, being a goody two shoes meant that she got married later. Because face it, our mother doesn't have our best interests in mind. At least not in shidduchim.
And from what I see around me - there are LOTS of mothers like that....

So kiddos, find a mentor, become mature and marriage material, and skip the mother unless you KNOW, for absolute certain, that she knows exactly what you need and not just what she wants.
(10/28/2014 1:26:01 PM)
we need to create something different
Chevre We need to create something different
Unfortunately some married girls re not happy and this is why would not look for their friends
I have a 21 years old daugther, she is beautiful,she is a great girl, works in Chessed and learns,has money, People don't look her profile, because they don't know the family Maybe to make a group for people out of Crown Heights?
(10/28/2014 2:34:21 PM)
A Sisterly Suggestion
It took me years to find my bashert, and, BH, I have a great marriage, about to celebrate our 15th. When I reached a time of unbearable despair, a friend suggested a book called The Rules (not a frum book, but a bestseller). I ran to the bookstore, laughed and cried as I read it in one sitting. I saw myself on every page. I began practicing the techniques and interested men started coming out of the woodwork! A few weeks later I met my husband-- he started proposing on our first date! The book makes some very important points for women about boundaries that are essential in the dating process and beyond. I recommend now all the time to young women. Stay positive! And hatzlacha!
(10/28/2014 3:19:45 PM)
to 128
agree one hundred percent!!! a lot of mothers have not a clue what the child really wants, . and it also irks me to no end when and older girls do not make her own phone calls and relies on other people to do it for her. seriously!!, at some point ( in your late 20s and 30s), please stop relying on pple to look into the guy for you. it becomes such a waste of time when someone else has to make phone calls for you and be the middle man. you at this point in your life, (should) know what you want and what to ask, and should make your own calls to references. also, i know older people are now set and busy with their lives, but don't forget, this should be your priority, nothing else should. because if you don't make it your priority, why should any of your friends who are trying to help you, make its theirs?? no one is going to come knocking on your door every day. this should be your soul task if you wish to get married.
best of luck to all :)
(10/28/2014 3:22:16 PM)
Class 101 on EMPATHY.
Rule 1: Just listen and let whoever is doing the speaking BE HEARD.

This mother wants to be heard. Just listen, understand she is going through a hard time. Don't make judgements or be antagonistic... What is that accomplishing for you or anyone? This scenario may or may not have happened with you , but it HAS happened with this mother, so let her speak her heart out...

(For the record, I happen to be a single 28 year old female. The years of pain and grief are behind me (for how long can you be envious of other people already?) I am happily single, knowing that I will find him, iyh!)
(10/28/2014 8:47:44 PM)
To #128
That's horrible. I'm sorry you had to get married in spite of, rather than with the help of, your mother! It's crucial for girls (and boys!) to have a Mashpia--who, by definition, is not Nogei'ah B'Davar.
(10/28/2014 10:43:29 PM)
here's an idea
Maybe the married friends see what marriage is all about and they want their single friends to enjoy life a little longer.
(10/29/2014 5:21:02 AM)
Don't know the specifics of case...
...and maybe these friends have suggested shidduchim for this woman's daughter, but the fact is that once a young woman gets married, she often forget about her single friends and joins a different circle.
(10/29/2014 8:00:53 AM)
Email me her resume
(10/29/2014 12:44:56 PM)
Really sad
to see how many people wrote that the married friends see what married life is about and want their single friends to enjoy life a little longer.

Marriage is supposed to be happy. Not saying it doesn't take work, but if you don't want your friends to be married, because you are miserable, then there is something wrong. Kal v'chomer if this is something that is felt by a lot of people in the chevra...

Again, I'm not saying that married life is perfect (it's not, believe me) but I am thankful every day that I have my husband and I know that he feels the same way. And we wouldn't switch our lives for those of our single friends even for one hour.
(10/29/2014 12:58:40 PM)
don't add to her pain, help her
To all the people who are writing that the mother of the girl is wrong, that she should be the one responsible to get a shidduch for her daughter, that the mother is wrong to blame her daughters married friends for not getting a shidduch for her daughter... SHAME ON YOU ALL!!!

The mother of the girl did not state in her letter that it is the fault of her daughters friends that her daughter is not married!!! She is plainly crying for help. The married friends can certainly spend 10 minutes a day, or perhaps 10 or 15 minutes once a week to try to network to help their friend find a shidduch. I don't think her mother is not trying to help.

If someone asks for help, please try to help them. If you cannot help them at least don't hurt them any more than they are hurt already. Don't jump on them and blame them and tell them they are bad and make them feel wrong for asking for help. If you can't say anything nice or contribute any help, just be quiet. People who ask for help are already suffering and it's wrong to add to their suffering.

If you have answered her plea kindly, kol hakavod to you!
(10/29/2014 6:09:17 PM)
Dear mom.
I fell the same!!
Ad mosai!!
(10/29/2014 6:24:04 PM)
Only one comment mention that, so please don't exaggerate.
(10/29/2014 9:05:44 PM)
This mother is just crying for help.
Is this going to be talk.
We need group men/ women
To help these girls.
(10/29/2014 9:50:00 PM)
Check this out
Taking place in
(10/29/2014 9:56:58 PM)
to 129
email the resume to
(10/30/2014 9:42:30 AM)
A return to the old fashion way
When I was dating in the 60's , we met on our own. We didn't have to depend on our friends, not to say that introductions weren't sometlimes made by friends. There was no such thing as a Shaddchan or a "resume" We attended singles events,. We met in school or at work.We went on singles weekends. We didn't have to be helped along by a shaddchan There were no shaddchanim at theses events. Also the events were not limited to a select few. The more people who came the better for one's chances of meeting..At weddings, single men and women sat together.

In my opinion, it is up to the rabbeyim and the community to put an end to the present system, and I truly believe that there well be an end to the "Shidduch Crisis as well. I wish your daughter much mazel and bracha for the future. A Blast from the Past
(10/30/2014 8:58:59 PM)
Birds of a Feather Flock Together
You may have forgotten what a life-changing event getting married and starting a family is. When a girl gets married and has kids, she spends less time with her single friends and more time with other married women with kids. We all seek out people similar to us, especially in social status, so they understand us. It is likely that your daughter's friends just don't know that many men who are A) eligible, B) in the right age range, C) in the right hashkafa, AND D) would be a good match. Just because they have a single brother-in-law doesn't mean he'd be a good fit for your daughter.
I know that I have single friends who I would love to set up, but I just do not know many single men. And setting up my 30-year-old single friend with my 14-year-old brother-in-law just isn't a good idea.
There are professional matchmakers and lots of singles events out there where your daughter is more likely to find luck meeting her beshert than through her married female friends.
And keep in mind, there is always a reason Hashem didn't put one and one together to make two yet. I got married later in life and when I did it became extremely, EXTREMELY clear why it had to be then and not earlier. Hashem could be doing your daughter a favor by having her wait before meeting her beshert - maybe he's not ready yet! ;)
Good luck! She should find simcha in all of life's situations!
(11/2/2014 10:43:35 PM)
Mr y
May this year be a huge sweetness for us ALL.
(9/26/2015 9:41:36 PM)
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