Aug 10, 2014
Rabbi Yitzy's 10 Marriage Tips

Rabbi Yitzy Hurwitz, the spirited Shliach battling ALS disease, offers 10 quick marriage tips for men in honor of Tu B'Av.

By Rabbi Yitzy Hurwitz

After giving this advice to a choson (a groom), I showed it to a few of my wife's friends. Their response was unanimous. "Would you share this with my husband?"

So in honor of Tu b'Av I am sharing it in the hope that it will help. Here are a few small and easy things that will make your life better:

1) When she does or says something hurtful --which will happen-- just forget what she said or did. Women get emotional and irrational. On the other hand, she will never forget anything you do "wrong."

2) Before you criticize her, ask yourself how much it really matters in the long run. Perhaps you better off letting things slide...

3) Be ready and happy to go to counseling - even, and especially in the first year. You will be grateful if you do. Better deal with a small issue now and learn to get along, than a huge unfixable problem later. Simply put: What makes sense to you, sounds silly to her and vice versa. Because women think in a totally different way. Counseling will help.

4) Find ways to make her laugh every day. Women think too much and they need a rest from their brain chatter. Laughter gives them rest from it. She will appreciate it. It doesn't matter, even small funny things.

5) Never raise your voice. It affects women with an instinct to be afraid, flee and protect. You will have a hard time getting back to normalcy.

You might not realize that among men we raise our voice a lot. It's hard to change gears. We yell to make a point. Women only yell if they are angry. When your voice goes up, they register "he is angry at me."

6) Compliment her every day. Find things to compliment. It could be something she did. Something she is wearing. Let her know that you notice and value her.

7) Buy her flowers. Flowers say a lot. It says I like you. It says I am thinking of you. It says I appreciate you. It says you are beautiful to me. It says you are a princess that deserves pretty things.

It says "although I'm a guy and flowers that will die in a week are the biggest waste of money and makes absolutely no sense, you are still more than worth it to me."

If you are low on cash buy one flower or, even better, pick some wild flowers.

8) Ignore statements such as "you don't have to buy me a gift for my birthday." Buy her a gift.

9) Treat her with respect. Do chivalrous things. Open the door for her. Help her on with her coat. Help her into her seat. Bring her tea in a pretty cup and sit with her and listen. Let her feel taken care of. Make her feel like a princess. Every woman wants to feel like a princess. Of course you won't be able to do it all the time, but do it often enough that she knows.

10) When she gets dressed nicely, take a moment and notice and tell her how pretty she looks. She spent a lot of time and energy getting dressed. Let her know that you appreciate her. Learn these words...

Try to use the right term.

This is by no means finished. I hope to continue with more. Hope it brings a positive change to your marriage.

Happy Tu b'Av.

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Opinions and Comments
refuha shalyma
we miss your guitar playing. and allways smiling.
(8/10/2014 9:02:50 PM)
and i thought i was the only one that felt that way!
(8/10/2014 9:07:08 PM)
This is so funny, and spot on!
(8/10/2014 9:17:22 PM)
Rabbi Yitzy thank you
You are so special!!!
I am confident that your humility and positivity brings lots of blessing to your family.
(8/10/2014 9:20:44 PM)
Love, Thanks for sharing!
Refuah Shelima B'krava
(8/10/2014 9:31:08 PM)
Thank you
Beautiful and very practical
(8/10/2014 9:50:13 PM)
I went to go visit last week....
Yitzy is smiling as bright as always. I thought I would go in for a few minutes, but An hour flew by real quick. treat yourself out, make a visit.

Go Yitzy
(8/10/2014 9:52:21 PM)
you will be bringing a lot of sholom with these clever practical tips. refua shleima NOW
(8/10/2014 9:56:57 PM)
Thank You!!!
Greatest. Guy. Ever. With. Greatest. Advice. Ever!!!!
(8/10/2014 10:01:04 PM)
Aww, beautiful!
Thank you Rabbi Hurwitz for sharing these practical tips for husbands. Brought tears to my eyes. Wishing you a refuah shleimah!!
(8/10/2014 10:08:16 PM)
Your perseverance to communicate your wisdom and joy of life to us is very influential. Truly neir lihoir. Blessings.
Shalom Olensky, FL
(8/10/2014 10:22:34 PM)
Great article!!
Thank you for posting.
May you have a refua shleima krova!!!
Keep strong.
We all love you.
(8/10/2014 10:22:55 PM)
Can't believe this is coming from a guy!! It's a must read and thanks for sharing!!!
(8/10/2014 10:34:20 PM)
his wife is a lucky woman....
Can I add one?? Help her whenever you can around the house. This helps her not feel like she's the "cleaner" and responsible for the cleaning. It should be an attitude of our home, our responsibility.
(8/10/2014 10:41:16 PM)
Great advise!!
Really enjoyed reading this! Very good advise!
(8/10/2014 10:43:20 PM)
Thank You!
May we hear BSuros Tovos!!!
(8/10/2014 10:45:33 PM)
I was. Laughing the whole time!
Refua shelaima!
(8/10/2014 10:48:07 PM)
Rabbi Yitzy !!!!! this is the VERY first time i am reading something about marriage that makes sense!!!!!!!!!! there are no lofty words , it is sooooo down to earth!!!!
(8/10/2014 10:49:30 PM)
You are so cool!!
Go Yitzi, and have a complete and speedy recovery. Amen!
How do you know all these stuff? Wow!
(8/10/2014 10:53:55 PM)
this will definitely give me things to think about . thanks :)
(8/10/2014 11:00:09 PM)
feel better
May you your Simcha poretz all gedorim
(8/10/2014 11:05:44 PM)
from a woman
wow! you got it right
(8/10/2014 11:18:04 PM)
A brocha
May you soon be able to do each and every one of the things on this list for your wife !!!!!
(8/10/2014 11:21:07 PM)
Very special Rabbi
Thanks for sharing these amazing tips
Refua sheleima bemiheira
(8/10/2014 11:22:01 PM)
Refua sheleima bemiheira
Amazing, even when you are suffering so much, you still show such concern for others. May HaShem bless you and yours with Kol Tuv!
(8/10/2014 11:38:15 PM)
Pure practical. Hope to use it one day...
(8/10/2014 11:46:37 PM)
rabbi yitzi your the best
(8/11/2014 12:25:20 AM)
(8/11/2014 12:27:12 AM)
ok,,,,now for the 10 things to do for your husband!!!
(8/11/2014 12:44:56 AM)
Ok number 29 what do u have 2 say let's hear can't wait
(8/11/2014 1:29:50 AM)
Wow amazing
(8/11/2014 2:16:44 AM)
To number 29
You are definitely .... A guy!
(8/11/2014 2:38:48 AM)
to # 29
it is called staying home with the children all day try it for a week see how easy it is
(8/11/2014 3:04:20 AM)
To #29
We women do 10 & more every day - you guys just don't notice!!! A thank you now and again would be very nice.

I wish my husband would take these tips on board, but we have been married so long B"H he won't change now. Oh well, he is good in so many other ways!
(8/11/2014 4:06:50 AM)
yasherkoiach rabbi
beautiful and inspiring!
(8/11/2014 4:44:29 AM)
10 things to make your husband feel loved. By a wife
1) smile when he walks in the door. Greet him warmly before getting straight into "it's been really hectic at home, kids are fighting..."

2) RESPECT him. men crave respect. show your husband you admire him, will make him feel like he's worth a million bucks.

3) when he crawls into his little hole (which all men do), give him his space. if he needs to close down a bit, don't pursue him. he'll just withdraw more. He'll come out of his shell when he's ready, if he sees you are giving him his space.

4) compliment him for all his help. and dont humiliate, nag orcriticize him off he makes a mistake or forgets to do something.

5) small gestures go a long way. leave him a cute note in his lunch, put a choc on his pillow etc

6) the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. make him food he likes. there's a special ingredient called " love" which he only tastes in his wife's cooking.

7)Ask him if it's a good time to talk before assuming that it is.

8) buy him presents that he likes, not what you think he should have.

9) empathise with his work stress without adding how hard your day was. be a real listener.
Tell him how proud you are of his accomplishments.

10) be his friend. do things you enjoy together and have fun. play a game together. Laugh and let loose. it can dissolve a lot of tension.

(8/11/2014 7:00:57 AM)
to #33
marriage is not a competition. you both need to make positive investments into the marriage bank account.
(8/11/2014 7:30:16 AM)
Spot On!
Don't get carried away with adding your two cents.
Is this article not transparent?
It clearly represents the epitome of what Rabbi Yitzy is and continues to be - always GIVING.
Beautiful. I hope this is the start of a very much needed book.
Refuah Sh'laima.

(8/11/2014 9:03:48 AM)
Regarding counceling-
I have always had this thought - You need to go to a driving instructor to learn driving, you need to go to a culinary school to learn how to cook, you need instruction to operate machinery- and then, the most important and COMPLICATED thing on earth, which is marriage, everyone just assumes they already know how to do it. Add to it the fact that the 'know-how"s are twenty- something, and you face a disaster! Would you give them a car to drive without teaching them first??? There are some Chassidus movements that make it mandatory to have a coach in the first few years of marriage,. I believe we should do the same! Thank you, rabbi Yitzy, for your wise advice!
(8/11/2014 9:57:35 AM)
As a newly wed in the beginning stages of marriage, when my husband and I realized we needed serious marriage help, we were horrified by the thought that we had problems. Everyone expects to get married and that everything runs perfectly. It is so comforting to hear that going for help is something that is acceptable. I thank you!!!
(8/11/2014 10:11:10 AM)
Laughing in tears, this morning my husband must have read this article.
He complimented my pajamas it was the cutest thing. He said how elegant they look (a word he barely uses) and then asked me what exquisite means because that's how I look. It was so sweet! Thank you rabbi yitzi! Refuah shlaima krova!
(8/11/2014 10:35:36 AM)
some of these are nice, but
i am a woman.

i'm not a fan of flowers. i'd rather a book... i also yell a lot when i'm excited, angry, unable to hear the other person, or making a point. please don't stereotype both genders.
(8/11/2014 10:46:19 AM)
in honor of helping young , middle age , and elder couples with Sholom Bayis

Promise : Hashem will send you a Reuo Shelemo and a Refuo Kerevo in the very very near future ,

for all the readers ; please print Rabbi Itzys 10 married tips
read it weekly , not yearly ,
BTW: Itzy rote it to MAN , the same things goes for women to treat their husbands , man need the same attention ,
(8/11/2014 10:54:17 AM)
So True!
This is great.
It really made me laugh because it is so so true yet totally unsaid and unknown.
It should be printed in huge at the back of every yichud room door!
(8/11/2014 10:56:29 AM)
on target
This article hit the spot!
(8/11/2014 11:03:43 AM)
Rabbi, you are spot on
Rabbi, you made me laugh and cry at the same time. What a great man you are, this can save marriages, people need down to earth help, big fancy words wash over most,

Thanks and strength to you for fast recovery.
Chana s
(8/11/2014 11:52:18 AM)
Thank you YH
Thank you YH
That was so cute
# 36 very nice
Excellent points both
(8/11/2014 1:07:35 PM)
Thank You So Much
For you beautifull advice . May Hashem help you with a
REFUAH SHLEIMA UKROIVA and you should continue
your great work in good health and happiness.
(8/11/2014 1:47:15 PM)
mushky says
cant wait hear mrs hurwitz's advice
(8/11/2014 2:04:45 PM)
and Rabbi,you have BH an amazing wife!
she's incredible!!!!
(8/11/2014 2:24:18 PM)
Thank you for being mezakeh Klal Yisroel
Hashem will not foresake you. Keep going strong and keep sharing and inspiring. Yitzi, you mean more to so many people than any words can express, and that increases with each thing that you share and are mezakeh thousands. Thanks to your wife too for taking such good care of you and inspiring many, and allowing you to inspire many. Hashem will answer OUR prayers. The Rebbe will save his children.
(8/11/2014 2:59:49 PM)
great stuff reb Yitzy
Im gonna print and keep this. thanks so much. Refua Shleima bekorov mamash
(8/11/2014 3:02:14 PM)
Yitzi Yitzi you are the best better then the rest
Tzippy &elie
(8/11/2014 3:04:00 PM)
My husband doesn't
Compliment me
Buy me gifts
Always critical
Always yells
Won't go to a councellor
Makes me cry
Falls asleep when I need to talk
Always on his phone....

But at 18 yrs of marrage I know the reason behind all these awful traits and I laugh when he yells, I buy my own flowers and gifts , when he makes me cry we both know they are fake, TG he doesn't listen to all my worries all day long coz I would never shut up,I'm also always on my phone, me on fb him earning a parnosa for our family....

My take on marrage is just lighten up, don't take it so seriously, it's not going to be perfect or fairy tale , there will be awful habits ( plenty on my side too) ... Just love each other no matter what, watch each others back ,smile and tommorow is another day!

And MR grumpy ( my pet name for my dh)if ur reading this... I wouldnt have u any other way!
(8/11/2014 3:15:02 PM)
Rabbi Yitzi you should have a REFUAH SHLEIMO. You sound like every womans dream of a husband. Im sure sending your advice on to mine.
(8/11/2014 5:31:29 PM)
Refoua chleima!
Thank you Rabbi Yitzy for these great advices!
May Hashem send you a very fast recovery!
Moshiach now!!
(8/11/2014 5:39:20 PM)
To # 54
I'm glad to hear that you're doing better but just throwing my story out there that my husband had a lot of the issues you write about and it turns out he had been suffering from post traumatic stress disorder from childhood abuse and never received any counseling for it...just throwing it out there as a possibility...I think it is sadly more common with boys in yeshivas than we realize...
(8/11/2014 5:44:04 PM)
to 54
glad youre venting but a better idea is to vent to a mashpia/friend/counselor NOT col
(8/11/2014 7:39:55 PM)
this is great! thanks for sharing!
refuah shelaima!
continue inspiring ad meah vishmonim!
(8/11/2014 7:47:32 PM)
To 57 from 54
Why do u assume I'm doing better? It's actually so
Much worse . As time goes on the amount of flowers I should have received by now...!!! I would love to go to a marrage councellor but I can't find one that is either married themselves or nearer to my age then my kids ages. Plus I really do want to stay married to my husband and I don't want to be told that they recommend we both take medication ! Not do we fancy spending the next 10 years talking about every little thing that's ever gone wrong in our life before we even get to my issue of the flowers I don't get.Plus I don't know anyone who will tell me that they really want to help ,with out it costing thousands of dollars ( and that's only up until my issues in first grade) , I really don't have time for this as I'm too busy planning our families dreams and future. I guess I will just have to keep buying my own flowers ! :-(

(8/11/2014 8:48:58 PM)
I CALL FOWL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not fair!
Mootah (Hee, Hee)
(8/11/2014 11:02:55 PM)
Shimmy, you're birthday brother.
Please post the hole story of # 7, i don't remember the complete story. Thanks
(8/11/2014 11:30:11 PM)
To #54 and #60
I'm so sorry to read that it's not better, it sounded like you had said you had learned to accept the faults. I believe that there is a better life for everyone. Everyone deserves to be in a truly loving and passionate marriage. Also there is no reason to be anti-medication. If it would help, wouldn't that be a good thing...? Wishing you hatzlacha that you and your husband will get there.
(8/11/2014 11:51:09 PM)
to #54
Your post is very important, thank you for sharing. Happily married couples do fight, their marriages don't always look rosy to an onlooker; but there is something that holds the couple together - that something is seeing the other with a good eye, accepting the other the way they are at the end of the day.
(8/12/2014 1:35:53 AM)
(8/12/2014 10:43:06 AM)
To Number 36
You are a very smart woman and your husband is a very lucky guy...

#1 IMHO is making sure to respect him. I dont mean, to bow down to him, but to be sure not to demean and insult, especially in front of the kids. Its too late for me the damage is already done.

But any guy looking for a shidduch pay close attention:
The way your (future) mother in law treats her husband is the way your (future) wife will treat you.

Dont want to get distracted but thank you so much Rabbi Yitzy, I dont know you but I love you as a friend and ask Hashem to take care of you and your family and bring Moshiach now and heal you from the physical jail that is your body.

Remember, your spirit is still free...Please keep writing and sharing your ideas.

written with love and tears, Eliyahu in Canada
(8/12/2014 11:01:22 AM)
rabbi yizi we wish you a compleet refuo shlaimo now we wil contineu to daven for you we love you
(8/12/2014 2:05:23 PM)
Pin POint!
On the spot perfect and witty advice!
(8/12/2014 2:23:14 PM)
over seas
itzy we all love you very much and wish you a swift recovery
(8/12/2014 3:27:51 PM)
to 66
The way ur future mother in law treats her husband is not at all necessarily how ur wife will treat u. my friend has a cousin who comes from a loving good home, her parents had a wonderful marriage to emulate, but she herself is pretty obnoxious and uncaring and her marriage is VERY different than her parents.
on the other hand, my parents did not have the greatest marriage but i firmly decided i would be a very differnt peson and today i am proud to say that my husband and children are very happy with me bc i work very hard to be a good wife and mother- i am VERY different from how my mother was!
(8/12/2014 9:04:59 PM)
"women get emotional and irrational"
correction: PEOPLE get emotional and irrational
(8/13/2014 2:08:07 AM)
women also need respect. or at least i do. for neither gender does it mean unnecessary honor. it means basic human civility and respect for the other's opinions and desires. it means you dont demean the other person or undermine them in front of others.
(8/13/2014 2:11:11 AM)
ONE MORE for the list
If and when you mess up and speak harshly or meanly to her, don't pretend nothing happened or that there's something wrong with her for being upset.
INSTEAD: Put on your "big boy" pants and go to her and ask her to forgive you for what you did -- ASAP (don't delay)!
(8/13/2014 11:37:59 AM)
To Number 70
Of course there are exceptions and you clearly have made a decision to change the past...this is the ultimate in lifes purpose, which is to change how you behave against your nature and break your teva.

I take my borsalino off to you, and your husband is a very lucky guy. We can either continue the bad trend, take a good upbringing and be a nasty person or, like you, determine to change the past.

Thats why baalei Tshuvah are even higher than Tzaddikim. I salute you !
(8/13/2014 11:42:51 AM)
Thank you for your wonderful suggestions.
With this month of great happenings we want to see you strong and healthy again.
I love your writing please continue.
I read it to my husband and we decided to do things better than ever before, in respecting and caring for one another.
Thank you again
(8/13/2014 11:49:30 AM)
wow that is so perfect, thank you! so practical and meaningful and helpful
(8/14/2014 11:09:32 PM)
good one
just forwarded to my hubby :)
(8/15/2014 11:49:26 AM)
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