Jan 15, 2014
A Friday of a Shadchanis

From the COLlive inbox: A matchmaker writes about a phone call she got on a Friday afternoon, shortly before Shabbos.

By Chana (anonymous)

It's Friday, 3:30 pm and I'm standing on my frosty porch (did I mention, without a coat).

"Hi Mrs. Silverstein, it must be rather urgent," I inquire, forgetting about the kishka still waiting to be mixed on the counter and the 3 pots boiling on the stove.

"I was wondering if you can mention our name again to the Cohen family," Mrs. Silverstein asks me, "perhaps if we can nudge them from another angle they will consider us."

I should've known better. This is only the 12th time Mrs. Silverstein called this week. 7 times after I already said 'Shema' and brushed my teeth, and four times ranging from 6:40 to 7:25 am.

"This day in age it's hard to find to find such aidel children like I raise, you know, the average Lubavitch girl is into all these shtusim and dress"

Mrs. Silverstein is starting to sound like the average Jewish mother. "Bishvila nivra haoilam."

Meanwhile, my 18-year-old son is trying to catch my attention, motioning to the stove top. I motion to him my pointer finger, as I try to politely excuse myself. "I hear you. It's already Shabbos in New York. I can call for you I"YH on Motzoei Shabbos."

"This is the type of family we are looking for. Make sure they know how amazing our daughter is and how we gave a down payment on a house for all our other children," she continues rambling.

Did she just say that? I regret not listening to my husband's suggestion to request a down payment for suggesting a shidduch. I only called no less than 17 names for her daughter in addition to the 4 guys I set her up with.

"I'll be in touch with you," I attempt to wrap up the call again.

"Don't forget to tell them to call our mechutanim and let me know if they ask for a picture. Also text me on my cell so my children don't pick up your name on the caller I.D. Oh yes, I have to go pick up the cleaners before it closes," she mutters.

The phone signals the end of our conversation.

No good shabbos. No thank you. No apology. She's 3 hours behind me, but shadchanim must have maids making shabbos for them so the etiquette rules don't count.

I begin marking her down as the 26th name on my Motzoei Shabbos "to call" list when I hear a piercing ring coming from inside my house. I rush back inside. Phew. My husband closed the fire already.

The guests will just have to like the over boiled eggs and the burnt stir fry. I'm sure they'll understand. After all, I'm a shadchan. That's what's supposed to happen on a short Friday afternoon.

P.S. I'm trying to help solve the shadchan crisis. If anyone is interested in doing this amazing job, please contact me (seems like my number is out there already) and I'll tell you all the marvelous perks that come with the title.

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Opinions and Comments
My opinion
Shadchanis is not for you... Find a different chesed and get a therapist.
(1/15/2014 7:33:50 PM)
Two Baal gavos. Nothing new
(1/15/2014 7:36:17 PM)
If you do not want to be a shadchan then don't!
If you are too busy you do not have to answer your phone...that's what voicemail is for...
(1/15/2014 7:48:43 PM)
Thank you Chana
But we all consider you our lifeline. Yes, it's rude to call on erev shabbos, and you should very abruptly say, I'm sorry, this is a bad time. Or have caller ID and not answer the blocked calls or those you don't want to. But on the other hand, remember that people are so desperate that they look at you like a miracle worker. And to all the people who were set up once by someone, have the mentchlichkiet to send the shadchan a couple of hundred dollars (For their time), if you can afford, or something a little less if you are very poor.....And when finally, someone does make you a shidduch, you Must pay the Shadchan and the Person that came up with the name....a normal amount. (find out what means normal, don't make it up,,unless you are very generous.) You do want people to be interested in making shiduchim for the rest of your kids......
(1/15/2014 7:50:07 PM)
Poor shadchan
We are all crying for you......
(1/15/2014 8:02:59 PM)
A concerned parent
I would love to help out in this field I feel the amount of shadchanim out there does not equal to the great demand we have to match up our children who are looking for their bashert. No I wouldn't ask for a RETAINER FEE. No I wouldn't tell u my GOING PRICE OF $1800 before we even start negotiating. No I WONT TALK ABOUT U BEHIND YOUR BACK IF U ONLY GAVE WHAT U COULD AFFORD We need to gather profiles of boys and girls and brainstorm and make it a pleasurable experience not one where the parents feel like a peice of dirt every time they get ignored by the shadchan. If I get positive feedback on my idea I will take it to fruition and u will be hearing from me in the very near future. Salvation is on the way
(1/15/2014 8:05:36 PM)
Very depressing
Very sad for the shadchun who wrote this and the dozens of mothers who call and leave message and call again - and again - and never get a call back.
(1/15/2014 8:05:39 PM)
As the Line goes..
As the line goes.. If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.... no pun intended as it relates to your article...
(1/15/2014 8:06:01 PM)
you need to learn proffesionalism
or maybe this business is not for you
(1/15/2014 8:09:03 PM)
Bottom line is we need more shadchanim and nobody wants the job because it's very stressful and you have to work overtime. People should at least show their appreciation, and not only if the shidduch goes through because shadchanim can set up 30 people before something goes through. We don't want them getting discouraged. I pay my shadchan each time they set up any of my children and they usually are very helpful to me.
(1/15/2014 8:11:03 PM)
you are amazing at what you do
please continue your amazing work....the zchus that you have in helping set up a bays neeman biyisroel is enormous. Its not a fun job. special people, like yourself do it....KEEP DOING YOUR WORK!!
(1/15/2014 8:12:50 PM)
And just how do you think you are helping this crisis with this article?!?
(1/15/2014 8:22:01 PM)
Give it up!
You should retire, and preferably before I become of age because ill be darned if a bitter, self-righteous person like you makes shidduch
(1/15/2014 8:23:27 PM)
is this made up?
It seems from some of the people commenting that it probably is true! I guess they must be desperate!!! You need to be clear about boundaries whilst being sensitive to the fact that they're going through a hard time and not acting in the most thoughtful way.
(1/15/2014 8:28:28 PM)
rony greenberg
I thing shadchanim have to be paid for their time and not for a successful shiduch. They should either charge per hour like every professional charging for their services, or they should charge per calls they make on behalf of a family. Than, their customers will be more careful with respecting the time the shadchan puts into the shiduch, and the shadchanim will be more enthusiastic to make shiduchim knowing that they are rewarded appropriately.
(1/15/2014 8:29:51 PM)
to schadchin's who are complaining
sorry no pity this is your job that you choose to do. how about all the times people are considerate and try to call you when its convenient for you? and you push them off because you are too busy. you say "dont be afraid to nudge me". (this is from every schadchin I have ever dealt with). I have given money and I ALWAYS give a gift to a schadchin who actually gets a date for my child. and the minute I stop calling I am out of her/his head. A mother can't sell her kid even if its the G-d's honest truth because it will only come out "well she's the mom of course she is going to feel/think that way, but is it really the truth" and what about all your "suggestions" the ones that have "issues" that your trying to push on me? what happened to all the "many many girls/guys out there"? and all you can come up with is the ones with the "issues"? do I have sucker written on my forehead. I offer a good product I expect an equal level playing field. So don't whine because you have some inconvenient calls. say its a bad time and not only promise to call back actually DO SO. If someone is telling you what they are offering they are doing the best they can for their children. No job is perfect, anytime you deal with people there will be annoying ones. If you can't handle then do something else.
(1/15/2014 8:32:20 PM)
you are not obligated to answer
the phone every time it rings. you may want to have 2 lines- 1 your business line which you dont have to answer 24/6...you are the one that sets your limits/boundaries and until you do- ppl WILL trespass them.
(1/15/2014 8:44:49 PM)
If you were that good
If you were that good, you would figure out how to duck these nudniks. Not fair to your family, but it's YOUR fault for answering the phone.
(1/15/2014 8:54:16 PM)
A wild idea
Dear shadchonim
How about trying something different. The old ways are not working for too many kids
Idea; Skype dating.
Set up a first date for 15 min maximum on line people usually know in two minutes if they want to date the Bachur or girl. If so. You will arrange it. If not. At least the poor guy is not out $200 and the whole first date thing that doesn't work out. Is avoided. Move on next day to another Skype. That's the practical. Tznius way to decide if you want to .....date each other. I didn't say marry. ...

What do you think. It's all shadchan arranged
(1/15/2014 8:56:34 PM)
teachers get called after hours and are under appreciated just the same! What keeps them going is their belief in a higher perpose. Thats what you need to think about!
(1/15/2014 8:57:35 PM)
Shadchanim should be sensitive!!
Just because you set up someone more than once doesnt mean you should now forget about them and let them know it!
If your such a shadchan u know who you are and you should be more sensitive and care!
(1/15/2014 9:02:33 PM)
I hope most people are more intelligent and will learn from this article that instead of complaining about shadchanim and "being ignored" etc.. they'll realize that although they're desperate, they are not the only desperate people and they are not the only ones calling the shadchan and shadchanim are people to and should have a life. Just because they are trying to help, doesn't mean they have to give up their whole life and neglect their children because you need a shidduch!
Be appreciative about what they are doing. Say thank you! Give a tip, even if the shidduch does not go through. know that you are not the only one calling on Friday. You think you are bothering the shadchan for one minute but there are another 30 people doing the same thing. So if a shadchan doesn't always answer the phone when you call, realize that they too have a life. So maybe this article will shed light to all the miserable people who just like to complain...Great job Chana! and keep making shidduchim. We all need you desperately!!!
(1/15/2014 9:07:17 PM)
impossible to grasp!
NO ONE BUT NO ONE can understand the life of a ShadchanIS unless you are one yourself! Don't even try!
This article is but a glimpse....!

(1/15/2014 9:14:53 PM)
give me a break!
(1/15/2014 9:16:09 PM)
I am a shadchan and I know the feeling waking up to the phone ringing early in the morning and the erev shabbos and erev Yom tov calls. Everyone starts off with "I hope it's ok, it will just take a minute". The minute usually takes 15-20 minutes, and the one person usually ends up being more like25-30 calls on an average Friday. So If the shadchan cannot speak, please be understanding. We know you are desperate. I am a mother and I know the feeling. It's not pleasant, but why be angry at the shadchan? I devote my whole life to this, for what? the lousy few dollars that people give once you finally do make a shidduch! Figure out all those hours I put in and divide it by the amount of money I actually end up making, and trust me - it comes out BELOW MINIMUM WAGE!!! The only reason I am doing this is for the satisfaction of the mitzvah. But please! Realize that we are people and have b"h our own families. Don't be rude and make fun of shadchanim and their"business", because we might just get fed up and burnt out, and then what will you do? Be thankful and show your appreciation. Don't wait for the shidduch to be done to tip your shadchan. Show your appreciation before then. And speak nicely...
(1/15/2014 9:18:50 PM)
Yiddishe Mame
To all those people making fun of shachanim - Try it for a day. You'll change your tune. You'll probable kiss the ground they walk on after. It's not a money making job, that's for sure. I made a shidduch once. It totally stressed me out. The people made me crazy. I can only imagine doing it all day and dealing with all the desperate people making me meshuga. Kudos for anyone who even attempts it!!!! You're going straight to Gan Eden for sure! Thank you and keep up the great work! We need more people like you!
(1/15/2014 9:25:22 PM)
Thank you!
Thank you to all the shadchanim who put in hours and hours of work to help us all. Don't listen to those miserable people complaining. Don't get discouraged. Please keep going. We need you!!! Thank you!
(1/15/2014 9:28:52 PM)
I do not want to bash or sound rude, and since you dont know who i am (i dont believe to have dealt with you before) i can go ahead a speak my mind.
Clearly, your children are not yet at this stage, or your were lucky not to get to the a stage that is called "desperate" situation.
We've been dealing with several shadchanim and i can tell you that once they remember the number on the caller ID i can be sure they will not be picking up the phones for the next two weeks and once you finally reached him or her they would tell you that either they forgot which name they were working on or that they just found out that the other party is in the middle of something or simply didn't have a chance to get to it.
You believe that its rude and inconsiderate that someone calls you at all times, it is also rude that shadchanim say they will call you back or should call back and weeks later they are unreachable.
There are only 52 weeks in a year and this is exactly how there are so many older singles.
Yes They Do Get Desperate.
(1/15/2014 9:29:12 PM)
Has anyone paid the mortgage broker even when they failed at getting them a loan?
(1/15/2014 9:42:00 PM)

Let's thank all the shadchanim the work
(1/15/2014 9:44:54 PM)
everyone has a shlichus in this world
and everyone must work hard
thats just how it goes
(1/15/2014 9:50:17 PM)
My dear lady
No job is easy, however you create your boundaries. Also I can say for a fact I have never called a shadchan erev Shabbos, motzai Shabbos, etc. However, I am in touch with many shadchonim, who are doing zilch for me even though I have forked over money and presents. Yes we have a shidduch crisis. Whats a mother to do. Have a gorgeous, smart, educated , frum, kind daughter with outstanding midos. She just turned 23. She has great personality and a beautiful size two figure. No shadchan has come up even with one boy to date her. And, yes we have Yichus and money. Big shidduch crisis. HELP
(1/15/2014 10:09:29 PM)
I am a shadchan and I am a mother of grown and some married children. The only reason I am a shadchan is because I am a mother and I understand what desperate means. Therefor, I want to help others. But don't badmouth us. And I am sure I can speak for my fellow shadchanim as well. Yes, we are not always reachable, we have a family to care for. and Yes, we do not always call back. I usually tell people to keep trying me until they get through because I go from one call to the next and there are not enough hours in the day for me to call everyone back. But that does not mean that we don't care or we are rude and inconsiderate. We devote our whole life to you. Please, say thank you and show some appreciation. I can tell you a secret. If I only have time to call back 2 people, don't expect to be one of them. I will call back the person that treats me nicely and appreciates my hard work!
(1/15/2014 10:10:28 PM)
problems on both sides
There are problems on both sides of the fence. the shadchanim are often rude or too busy to help or too stressed or impatient etc. etc. More often than not they never get back to parents either by e mail or phone.
yes, there are parents who nudge too much and call too often. Usually out of desperation. But both sides need to have consideration for each other.
Being a shadchan is not easy. And no, it does not always bring in a lot of money. But it is a huge mitzva .
Maybe parents nudge a lot these days because of the shidduch crisis. there are so many singles out there waiting to find their basherts. It is not easy for anyone. I think shadchanim have to be more understanding and caring. Everyone knows you are busy and life is hectic. But a desperate parent or a desperate single does not want to know about your personal stress. That is not why they are coming to you. They want to know if you can find a shidduch for them. and if it is friday and you are busy, please dont answer the phone. or designate a special line for shidduchim. But to bash the parents or try to show how hard a shadchan works and nobody appreciates properly is basically saying that this job is not something you enjoy, it is a burden. I am sure there are numerous stories parents can tell of shadchanim who are uncaring, hurtful, rude etc. Shall we all write articles about this? i think the idea is to respect each other and if you a parent is difficult, just be open with them. Be honest about what you can or cannot do. But dont ignore parents! Parents are also busy, are frustrated, stressed, worried...have compassion. Please.
(1/15/2014 10:16:56 PM)
Anyone doing this job has compassion or they wouldn't be doing it.
(1/15/2014 10:32:08 PM)
Thankful mother
Just know that although I sometimes get very stressed from shidduchim, I am always grateful to any of the shadchanim that work for me. There are grateful people out there and we do appreciate your terrific work! Keep it up!
(1/15/2014 10:48:46 PM)
To # 33 From # 28
I definitely do appreciate all the work that shadchanim do. I wouldnt be reaching out to them otherwise.
Being frustrated and sharing what i am feel does not mean that i lack appreciation.
I have giving money, gifts ect.. many many many times as a token of appreciation..
I know that it is overwhelming at times and you all have family B"H to deal with. and therefore impossible to deal with it all in one days work.
Maybe dont overbook your appointments, if you say you will call back someone then just please, email, call or text.. just to say you are still working on it so we know we are not ignored.
But weeks is not expectable.
Per your response it seems like it may be a burden on you rather than "let find the solution together"
(1/15/2014 10:53:48 PM)
Way 2 go
Whoever wrote this article is brilliant
(1/15/2014 11:35:26 PM)
I don't understand why ppl are bashing the shadchan
clearly the mother has issues that she calls the shadchan so many times especially at 6:40 am! and that she keeps calling about a specific family when its clear that they don't want her daughter no matter how good of a girl she is! sometimes its not that there's something wrong with the girl/boy, sometimes the personalities don't match up.....nothing to take personally. I think the mother has to realize that
(1/16/2014 12:07:28 AM)
I am new in this parsha starting looking for a shidduch for my daughter.
Should I mention that we have money for Dow n payment?
Is this something to tell the shadchan.?
How much money shoul I give to the shadchan? Monthly? How much for set up? I thought to give her 5 k for the shidduch.
But I. Can give her before if she works
What should I tell the shadchanit to get her attention and really work
(1/16/2014 12:29:02 AM)
Enjoy helping people
I have tried for many years helping people with shidduchim. I have never made one yet..but I keep on trying and never made any money. Hashem Will reward me. ( my family makes fun of me but we ALL know someone and we have to help each other even if it entails multiple calls, emails, crazy hours etc..
(1/16/2014 12:32:02 AM)
to the shadchan
U r undeserving of being a shaliach to be doing such an important mitzvah
(1/16/2014 12:35:22 AM)
hey folks
haven't you heard of email.. it's a great way to reach your shadchan .. at least to remind your shadchan. The shadchan then reads the email at their convenience with no interruption of private time. Nobody understands the amount of time that goes into making a date, let alone a shidduch, As for monetary compensation - beleive me most shadchanim are not earning a living from this.
I say most cause there may be one or two that seem to claim they made every shidduch or "mentioned" a name and demand pay - sadly most hand over the money (to the extortionist) for fear of an evil eye ch'v. This is often blood money. So the bottom line there are all kinds in every field and profession. This is life.
Hatzlacha to all who need shidduchim - please allow Hakadosh Baruch Hu to guide you - it surely helps. Hakadosh Baruch Hu is the ultimate Shadchan.
(1/16/2014 12:44:17 AM)
agree with 24
I agree with the one who said find shiduchim for your friends if you just got married I'm sure you and your spouse have friends not married maybe try to help out a little don't forget your friends just because you have a new roommate
I believe most shiduchum are made by friends and family not people with titles
(1/16/2014 12:51:04 AM)
To number 32. My exact sentiments! Please contact me at BatimTovim@gmail.com. I would love to communicate.

(1/16/2014 2:28:20 AM)
What's up?
Why such animosity towards shadchanim?
Every1 needs to chill.
1st of all, they're not obligated to you.
And 2nd all parents must stop the crazy due diligence.
I have been called many times for references and the most ( and maybe the only ) important question is never asked . Is he a nice kind bochur. It should be the main focus on any parent. The other stuff is ok, can he learn, is he nice looking, does he have money , is he gesha, but the Most important thing, is he a nice kind bochur. . And the same for parents of bochurim, is she a nice kind lady.
(1/16/2014 3:13:19 AM)
a new approach
Firstly I think a few people who commented might have missed one of the authors main points.

It seems like what upset her was the lack of basic mentchkechkeit of the caller.

She's a shadchan, she's taking her time, energy and skills to help people and should be approached that way. With respect, consideration etc.

Secondly, how practical is the way shadchanim work? They're taking on a huge and time consuming task and being paid very little.

What about the community hiring and paying a few shadchanim to work full time on the job of making shudduchim?

Instead of parents paying an amout for a successful shidduch once its made, all the parents of the many singles could pay a yearly or monthly amount to combine and make the shadchans salary. Maybe a few generous donors could help and make it a feasible amount.

Is it realistic to expect so much work to be done for free? Think how many people would potentially be able to help but practically just dont have the time?

Wouldn't it be easier for shadchanim to return calls etc if they were able to devote their working hours to the task?

With the number of singles and the amount of work and time needed maybe its time for a new approach.

(1/16/2014 4:07:07 AM)

note the vov.
did i mentioned its shadchanUs
(1/16/2014 4:18:46 AM)
Bottom line is -
Think before you call someone who is not in your time zone - and even before you call someone who is.
Think - is it a good time to call or not?
Don't call at -
- breakfast or right when everyone is rushing out the door
- right before Shabbat or chag
- at dinnertime
- before 7:30pm if the person you're calling has little kids
- more than twice in a row, unless you're the person's spouse, dependent child, or it is a TRUE emergency. If you called and left a message, we'll notice and call you back. Or we won't call you back because we decided that we don't want to talk to you. Or because we forgot - in which case a text message or email is certainly a sufficient reminder.
And if you must call, do it during lunch break.
(1/16/2014 5:40:40 AM)
Perhaps parents today should be told that not long ago there was no crisis because shiduchim were made by people who cared about and knew others - family, friends, teachers, Rabbeim. The main concern was finding the person who was right for the other, not how they fit a particular set of criteria which might be irrelevant for the individuals. The situation today is absurd with resumes like a person is applying for a job. Today if a person and/or family is not ideal in all ways there is immediately a problem.
(1/16/2014 7:02:28 AM)
Advance Payment
Someone asked Rabbi Groner, "what did the Rebbe say about getting your children married". i. to give extra tzedakah and say extra tehillim ii. to give an advance deposit to an energetic shadchan and to let them know that there is more money coming if they are successful.

In a letter that the Rebbe wrote to someone: (free translation) the prospective kallah should say verbally out loud: that she agrees to establish a home based on Torah and Mitzvos, Shabbos, Kashrus and Taharas haMishpocha

and to give Money to Hachnosas Kallah!!
(1/16/2014 7:32:47 AM)
I dont want to be harsh but this is just plain sad. You run a business! Yes it may be chesed oriented but it is still a business. Get a cell phone and use it only for Shiddiuchim. If ppl call on your house phone tell them to hang up and call the cell. Man up find a solution to your "problem".
(1/16/2014 9:07:54 AM)
Let's hire paid shaddchainim to work and get some baal habatim to make them a reasonable salary. That's a responsible community thing to do!
(1/16/2014 9:24:19 AM)
My Opinion
I had a shadchan who only brought up names when i ran into her. She never once called with a suggestion.

If shadchans get paid by the hour, they should not expect payement if they make a match.
(1/16/2014 9:45:27 AM)
Working for the Kehila
Working on behalf of the Kehila, in what ever capacity, if often a thankless job, irrespective of monetary benefits. I know from personal experience. Sometimes words of appreciation are few and far between but they go a long way in encouraging the person to forge on.
(1/16/2014 10:57:32 AM)
shes right
its wrong the way ppl treat the shadchanim, not even thank you?
(1/16/2014 11:02:40 AM)
Sorry, but this system is ridiculous
We need to "sell" our children as a "product"? We need to call up people we don't even know and beg and plead with them to set up our children on a date? And we all go along with this system -- why? Because we believe that this is the only true and good and kosher and proper way for young people to meet and get married? Sorry, but this approach is degrading and demeaning on so many levels.
(1/16/2014 11:17:54 AM)
How about making hours when you're available for calls and you're not making kishke? If people call out of hours and the get a call back during regular business hours? It's not their fault for calling, they are looking for a service and if you're not able/willing to provide it then don't do it.

Part of the issue is that the Shadchonos is not a fee based service rather a result based service so you got an issue right there.
(1/16/2014 11:29:47 AM)
To all those shadchanim feeling unappreciated:
How about thinking of this as a lawyer? Does he get paid if he doesn't win your case?
You get paid for the job. I am not suggesting that shadchanim don't get a 'thank you tip' but don't think you need to get paid for the few moments you gave of your time on the phone, being rude and not helpful. People are happy to pay people who show they are there to help their child. But to make yourself sound too busy to speak and make people feel like garbage calling, is not the way people appreciate your service. If it is in fact a service, act that way and you will get rewarded. Trust me. We are all willing to pay those who help out very generously, but only if we feel it is deserved.
(1/16/2014 12:18:26 PM)
Most shadchanim
They don't do jack. Unfortunately only if your geshe you've got a shot
(1/16/2014 12:51:02 PM)

(1/16/2014 1:07:39 PM)
Finding a solution
If there would be one central location where all info would be sent . I would be willing to work full time on this. In Crown Heights. Please reply through comments.
(1/16/2014 1:28:26 PM)
Don't get it
I don't get it. What is so hard to understand? Anyone with a job knows that they only service the amount of people they can service in a days work. The lawyer will not take on more cases than he can handle, nor would the manicurist give more appointments than what she can do. It doesn't matter if you are getting married. If she is booked, she will tell you she has no time and make an appointment for another day or go somewhere else. Why don't people understand that the shadchanim don't have time for everyone, and there will always be those that won't end up being services the way they like. There are way too many people in need of shidduchim, that even 50 shadchanim wouldn't be enough. But everyone is still calling and doesn't want to be the one that the shadchan has no time for. The shadchan is still working overtime, but not everyone can be serviced BUT DON"T BLAME THE SHADCHAN. She/he is trying to help. BLAME ALL THE OTHER PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT SHADCHANIM!! The shadchanim should be thanked. They are doing the right thing and trying to help, but they are human and can't help everyone. If more people helped, maybe the shadchanim wouldn't be so overwhelmed. I am very thankful to all those shadchanim who have tried to help me in the past, even if they were not always successful. Thank you shadchanim!
(1/16/2014 1:34:32 PM)
Brilliant idea Nu 47 will help Shidduch Crisis
Nu 47 Brilliant idea it is done in many frum communities.
We need to approach, well to do in Lubavitch.
Fund raise money to pay few Shaddchanim decent weekly salary to devote all HOURS TO SHIDDUCHIM..
(1/16/2014 2:03:10 PM)
It's a catch 22. Everyone commenting that the author should not answer her phone, but when shadchanim don't, everyone complains.
(1/16/2014 3:10:54 PM)
From your description of yourself and your daughter
I am quite sure that you are not accepting offers since
you expect better than whats offered. Maybe you get off
your high horse and let your daughter see for herself
rather then wait for your dream to come .
(1/16/2014 4:24:11 PM)
alternative method
i actually did pay a few shadchanim voluntarily a "consulting fee" - without them asking, as I myself am a professional and it seemed reasonable, and i paid decent hourly amount. curiously, my mashpia (an old school rosh yeshiva), told me not to do that anymore. Having said that, I think we just have to accept as hashgacha protis who we get to date, who we learn about, and who we marry. I am over 40 now, never married, semi-afluent professional bt, living in CH for over 8 years now - and somehow I am at peace with being single not married yet. I want to be married; and i want to tracht gut, v'sein gut; and believe it is a challenge to myself not to be upset at the seemingly defunct system, but rather just to wiat patiently for hashem to provide. When I learn of a woman I am interested in, I pursue her, thru shadchamin. Many shadchanim call me proactively with ideas I am not interested. without getting into the details - I really believe we just have to try our best to be good people, and take what comes happily, be grateful for the good things, and not focus on the negative, not blame a system, etc. If i get left behind and it really is the fault of a defunct system, then I am sure with complete faith after 120 I will get a fair judgment in the next world, and we will go forward from there.
(1/16/2014 5:15:39 PM)
I am going to use this opportunity to make us aware of a simple fact.
90% of all references called, did not answer phones,
And of course didn't return messages left on the answering
machines. When 4 out of 5 (supposedly good friends)
just don't pick up, you forget about the name.
Sometimes you get interested in a name, and you start making
random calls from the resume, if the reference answers, you will probably continue calling the others. If noone answers once, maybe you will try that reference one more time. And then
Name after name after name..
Very few references pick up.
If you assumed the responsibility of being a reference,
Please pick up the phone, if you can't at the moment , please return the call. Your answering the call can make the Shidduch happen.
(1/16/2014 5:35:35 PM)
Poor you
my heart is really bleeding for you! you guys always have someone sent to answer the phone saying that you're not available; most of younever get back to people, many abuse the situation that people are quite desperate and dependant on you to become arrogant
(1/16/2014 5:57:16 PM)
To # 67
You sound interesting
Where can we get more information about you?
(1/16/2014 6:11:31 PM)
to #32
Wow! we really do have a crisis!
(1/16/2014 6:16:40 PM)
to 70, this is 67
You can ask Aron dalfin, he is in my weekday shacharis minyan
(1/16/2014 7:19:31 PM)
Nothing at all to do with shadchanim...
It's an I generation.Iphone,ipad ...
There is no consideration out there for another person:(
Calling someone erev shabbos should be for an emergency, some consideration,please...
Google overseas hours before calling. 'tis very annoying being awoken at 2 in the morning and then politely being asked "am i calling too late?"
Why the bashing of people who are truly idealists?
Again the ego...thats what counts:(
Then you wonder " what is the cause of the shidduch crisis"?
Parents:educate yourselves .....
(1/16/2014 7:55:30 PM)
Egotistical Article
I'm sorry this woman does not know how to master the fine art of how to politely tell someone she can't talk right now, but I'm not sure why this was published, unless as a personal service for her to have an opportunity to let us all know how full her schedule book is, how the whole world depends on her and her alone for a shiduch, what a burden her never ending good deeds are to her, and just how ungracious she can be. H-shem has many ways to send his bounty, when we decide to be his agent in whatever capacity we try not to gripe publicly about it, especially for a petty inconvenience. Take a leaf out of megillas esther- 'revach v'hatzalah yamod layihudim mimakom acher' - meaning, don't worry, if you can't do it the salvation will come from another place.
(1/16/2014 8:14:59 PM)
Shadchanim and Lashon Harah
Shadchanim, although some believe themselves to be the best and only baalei chesed, can also cause the most serious damage. Some shadchanim need a serious lesson in not quoting people incorrectly, not saying things which are untrue, not passing on false messages to stop or start a shiduch in which they have their own vested interest. It is impossible to emphasize enough the responsibility a shadchan has of BEING CAREFUL WITH WORDS.
(1/16/2014 8:25:41 PM)
hatzlacha rabba to all
everyone needs to help the crisis you mention.
while living in CH years ago, we helped our friends, now we all have to help each other for our own kids.
don't be afraid to pick up the phone and mention to your friends and relatives about your son or daughter. may we have only good news to share!!!
(1/16/2014 9:55:28 PM)
to 53
if you think its such a good idea get up and find some of these baal habatim you speak of and arrange who do you trhink is gonna do the work??????
(1/16/2014 10:10:34 PM)
We're sorry you're cold but..
''Standing on my frosty porch (did I mention, without a coat).''
But can't resist answering her phone. Then uses that as part of a whining session about inconsiderate people who call at the wrong time. Is that an adult writing?
(1/16/2014 10:47:10 PM)
married friends
help your single friends!!!
(1/16/2014 11:26:15 PM)
It's so easy to put the blame on someone else. Your child is not married so why not? Blame the shadchan! It's your child and your responsibility to marry her/him off. The shadchan is only doing a service and giving of her/his time to try and help you. But it is so easy to blame the shadchan!
(1/16/2014 11:49:55 PM)
When I read many of the above comments , I find it
hard to believe they are from frum people , let alone
Lubavitchers. They are so biting and critical. If this is
the way you talk in front of your children....
(1/17/2014 8:15:28 AM)
Fellow Shadchan
I feel you! To all those who think she's not cut out for the job, please be on call 24/7/365 and get paid for almost none of it.
(1/17/2014 2:22:15 PM)
How about this to help your erev shabbos stress:
Why don't you teach your '18 year old' son how to help around the house? It's really not that difficult to turn down the stove and prevent a fire starting.
(1/18/2014 7:44:01 PM)
what your number
what your number, Shabbos is going be be thish week in NY about 4:?? when should I call like 4:00 ?
(1/18/2014 8:01:47 PM)
Agree with #13
From a CH Shadchan
(1/18/2014 11:09:36 PM)
sure doesn't make me want to continue
I've been a volunteer shadchan for maybe seven years. I have never charged an interview or registration fee, but sincerely try to provide a service. If what I read here is the prevailing attitude, why should i want to continue? I'm burnt out enough as it is from the constant ringing of the phone when I'm trying to cook dinner or we're trying to eat. I'm just about ready to tell my callers that I don't make shidduchim any longer. You don't like how the shadchanim handle things? Then go do it yourself!
(1/19/2014 1:25:03 AM)
to #32 and anyone interested in a segulah
my sister did Perek Shira for 40 days and got two of her daughters married shortly after each time, try it... hatzlocho to everyone!!!!
(1/19/2014 1:32:55 AM)
To number 86 from a fellow shadchan
Yes it is very hard but please realize that the comments are from a minute percentage of the lubavitch population
Please don't get discouraged..
(.although we are doing one of
the most discouraging job out there )
We have to be nice to everyone
EVERY SINGLE deserves an equal chance.
(1/19/2014 10:33:05 AM)
a solution requires funding
We tried to make a solution in Montreal with a powerful very costly website to organize and anlyze the information and profiles and with a staff of VOLUNTEER matchmakers so we can be assured that everyone met a quality matchmaker face to face and references could be checked. We were affiliated with dozens of other dating websites. We were amazed by the response of profiles we received.
The first problem we encountered was many singles were really not ready to get married (this site was also available to secular Jews) So we decided that coaching of singles was necessary (for example: most singles think that finding the right one means getting what they want and not about giving to another) and so we set up classes and workshops. What an opportunity for kiruv!
The second problem was the matchmakers burned out. The matchmakers needed to get paid. We approached Federation with the need for funding and got nothing that year even though they raised over $60 million for "Jewish Continuity" that year. We did not approach individuals but should have. So if anyone wants to support this unbelievable project let me know.
In fact we had a third problem. Many in the Lubavitch community wouldn't put themselves on a site with not Lubavitchers. I tried to explain they would only be viewed by matchmakers and only set up with Lubavitchers if that is was they requested. This crisis is not exclusive to Lubavitch. So like with everything else, the system is in place FOR THE ENTIRE JEWISH COMMUNITY but we need real money to make it effective. And there can be paid matchmakers on the site dedicated just to the Lubavitch community if this works. Every matchmaker tended to find a niche.
It seems like this mitzvah of building a bayit neeman b'yisrael may just be the hardest one of all because it is the precursor to building the final Bayit Neeman b'Yisroel, that of the Bayit Shlishi. May it be now!
(1/19/2014 11:56:13 AM)
to both mothers and shadchans
do you really think you can spoil a potential match if you stick to sociable hours. If its waited since 40 days before birth, it can wait a few more hours so you both get a good nights sleep and no food is burnt.
(1/19/2014 4:19:21 PM)
part-time shadchan
Some people don't understand that phone calls can be a big imposition. Email overcomes that. Personally, I always explain my boundaries and hope that people will respect them. Most do. When I put in hours of time to help facilitate a shidduch, I believe that I should be paid fairly. Most do. Tthe biggest reward is at the end when you see the joy of a successful shidduch.There are impolite people in all walks of life; we have the option to help the ones who make the most positive impression. I, for one, would love to be paid by the "community" to spend more time making suggestions.
(1/20/2014 11:06:21 AM)
Keep going
Clearly you are one of those that actually picks up the phone.

The point of your article is for people to be considerate when calling shadchanim.

That's it You do what you can, it's a hard job. Keep it up.
(1/20/2014 2:25:39 PM)
Age-Gap one problem & one solution
Lubavith & Litvish (at least one thing in common) have the same problem. 10% of the girls never get married. The reason is because boys start shidduchim @ 23 & girls at 19. Frum yidden have boruch hashem kain yirbu a population increase. Lets take an easy # of 5%. 1000 born this year,1050 next year ,1100, 1150, 1200, & on. Therefore 1000 23 year old boys have 1200 girls to choose from.(200 r"l would have to stay single.) The US census reports 5% more males are born in the us yearly. Therefore 1000 boys have only 1150 girls. Another 5% listen to Halacha & Daas Torah to start shiduchim younger and same age, therefore 1000 have 1100 choices. Net result, R"L 10% of the girls never get married. The only solution is for boys to start younger. Chazal say & the Halacha paskens the maturity age for a boy to start shidduchim is 18 to 20.This was said before technology & before the Yaitzer Hora was at the finger tips .We must stop this "monkey see monkey do" not to listen shidduchim for boys until 23. Don't be smarter than Chazal. There was a Kol Koira from Lubavitch Rabonim, and last year from 50 Litvish Rabonim & Roshai Yeshivos for boys to start earlier.This is the only way to stop this man made tragedy.Lechu Venoshivu El Hashem . Lman Bnos Yisroel
(1/25/2014 11:17:59 PM)
YOUR children are YOUR responsibility!
As a former shadchan, where MOST of my efforts for OTHERS and THEIR children went by unnoticed and unappreciated, I realized at this stage of my life, having dependant children still living at home, that my only priority is THEIR well being and happiness! Which meant me being there for them one hundred percent of the time-knowing they had my FULL attencion at all times which I couldnt easily do while being on the phone discussing the needs of OTHER peoples children! i gave it up years ago and have never been happier! Most of thee callers weere strangers to me as well who forgot about me after the shidduch was redt! i wasnt even invited to s single sheva brocha by either side! Now and again i do this for ppl who truly need it and have a connection to my family one way or another.
(10/7/2016 1:08:01 AM)
Number 89 is the MOST sensible comment here!
As a former shadchan, I certainty would have stayed with this if number 89 project came to pass! Normal working hours! Paid! Boundaries! And MY children always being first! Well said!
(10/7/2016 1:12:42 AM)
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