Jun 5, 2013
The Waiting Game

Shidduchim SOS: What does coming late to a Shidduch date say about you?

by David Goldman - Hareiat.com

They say that time and tide waits for no man.

I have no idea if "they", are in fact, correct. Or even what the saying means.

But I do know one thing. When it comes to dating, making someone wait is a very bad thing.

When you set a time for a date, make sure the appointed hour actually works for both of you, allowing for all possible variables in your day. If you are setting an evening date, make sure you allow yourself enough time to get home from work, prepare for your date and arrive at your destination on time. No matter what time of day you are scheduling for, be sure to allow for the particular nuances of your desired mode of transportation. If you are taking a taxi, allow ample time to hail a cab or for your car service to show up. If you are taking a bus or a train make sure you build in the necessary wait time that is part and parcel of traveling by mass transit. And if you are traveling by car, don't even think about leaving the house without first checking traffic conditions for your desired route. In this day and age, with radio traffic reports, traffic websites and even free traffic apps for your phone, taking the guesswork out of getting from point A to point B is way easier than it used to be.

Is coming late such a big deal?

Actually, yes. Because while all of us are late on occasion, habitual latecomers send out a clear message that your time isn't valuable and it doesn't matter if they inconvenience you. Given that the whole point of dating is to find a partner with whom you will travel down the road of life, do you really want to make that journey with someone who exhibits signs of being inconsiderate?

Obviously there are moments in life when unexpected things just happen. Cars break down, roads get closed, trains don't come. It happens to the best of us and of course we all need to be understanding and forgiving when something like this crops up. But if you are dating someone who never seems to show up on time, you might want to ask yourself if this is a symptom of a bigger problem and if it is something you can deal with in a prospective spouse.

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Opinions and Comments
almost always late
As someone who is almost always late, I can assure you, it is not because I think that other people's time is less valuable. Do I have time-management issues? Yes but rest assured that I am usually late because I am so busy trying to get "JUST ONE MORE THING" done for my family, friends, neighbors, the woman who just had a baby, etc, etc. Think twice before you count someone out because of one issue. It bothered my husband at first but he is used to it now.
(6/6/2013 12:10:53 AM)
new york too?
being late in a crazy city like new york is something normal for me, not understaniding someone,s situation is the real problem
(6/6/2013 1:01:57 AM)
so,so true
I know from experience
(6/6/2013 1:04:12 AM)
Don't be late for this don't be late for that.... Your going to analyze every situation whether its valid or not?!?! So he was late SO? Believe me no matter how many times a poor little girl will have to wait 5 or even 6 minutes for her shiduch bocher to finish brushing his teeth or run to the cleaners for his shirt, when they will be married or anyone as married will be waiting 10 folds! For his SWEET SWEET wife to finish with her make up Etc...... Now let's write an article on that.
Point is since in this shiduch world we have nothing els to really analyze or make ones sels sick about other then "oh he was late or oh he only went on merkos shelichos 1 time. Now get a life and live with the person and then know what to pick on or not to.
(6/6/2013 1:19:18 AM)
How about when you set a time and text later you"ll be a few minutes late just shows you're not actually so rigid.
(6/6/2013 1:42:12 AM)
very nicely said
last paragraph - 4th line should say forgiving
(6/6/2013 2:48:12 AM)
I agree
Keeping someone waiting is rude and inconsiderate.
(6/6/2013 8:22:04 AM)
First date
My first date was 45 minutes late! Turned out she had bigger issues than just that and she didn't last past the second date.
(6/6/2013 8:32:50 AM)
A Rabbi
I am in general somewhat late, similarly to the first commentor, because I am usually trying to get something done.

Years back when I was dating, I believe I came late on a few dates. To be honest, I think there could be no greater honesty than that. My wife had to think right then about whether she could deal with someone who comes late or not. By the way, she decided yes!

I'm not sure what the point of this article is!
(6/6/2013 8:36:24 AM)
Agree with #4
As a married man I can assure you that when you will be married, you will wait for your wife to get ready for any event for a long, long, long time.

That said, being late to a date is not mentchlich, but nor is it the end of the world.
(6/6/2013 9:22:01 AM)
I am shocked
How everyone says it's ok to be late on a date!!!!!!!
Seriously us girls spend time getting ready. This is not just meeting up with a friend..it's your possible HUSBAND/WIFE!
I just don't understand all of these comments! It's one thing to be a late person in general, fine, but to come late on a DATE with a woman who spent time getting ready and it looking forward to meeting you..it's just mean. I would be really ticked off.
(6/6/2013 9:36:24 AM)
I know right. I agree with you.
(6/6/2013 9:45:23 AM)
It is NOT ok to be late to #1!!
doing just one more 'thing' for your neighbor, friend etc. means that you care more about them than the person waiting for you. if you were to meet someone important that u cared about you would NOT keep them waiting, its simply stealing time and showing you value other things more. There is RARELY a real reason to be late.
(6/6/2013 9:55:22 AM)
It can be a sign...
Years ago, a friend of mine waited two hours for a guy to pick her up on a first date. He kept calling with excuse after excuse. That was the end of that relationship. Another girl I knew married the guy, and he turned out to be very abusive. It ended in a messy divorce.
(6/6/2013 10:00:47 AM)
Being late is not ok
I come from England. To get to work I first had to get the bs to the train station, then an hour on the train to my office. I was at my desk at eight am. Ready for the day. I got up around 6.15am. This is how one should start he day. Up early. Therefore, you give plenty of thought to time...and how valuable it is. Being late for appointments..yuk, this is not a good work ethic. B on time for your life.
(6/6/2013 10:11:16 AM)
Crown Heights dating Bochur
I once dated a girl who came 20 minutes late to our first date, I didn't think much of it but as we continued to date and she came late to every date I started realizing that she just didn't respect others at all. We ended up dating for two months and It turned out I was right about that. Now if a girl comes out of the house more then 10 minutes late without a good reason I cut the date short and say goodbye without a second thought
(6/6/2013 11:06:17 AM)
a matter of degree
note that the ones saying it is okay to be late are thinking about five or ten minutes.
note that those of us married and continually annoyed by chronic lateness are talking about over thirty minutes, sometimes an hour or more.
Luckily for my husband, at the time we were deciding it didn't matter. Now I have three coping strategies: I almost always have something with me to occupy my time as I wait. It is common for me to get to an event on my own, on time, and he arrives later. If we must travel to an event together, I occasionally make a mistake as to what time an event is to occur.

Even so, and even though I know the problem is poor planning and time management it is annoying. It is my choice as to how to react, both inwardly and outwardly.
(6/6/2013 11:16:56 AM)
Totally agree with the Author.
I believe that being late is irresponsible and disrespectful.

I went out with a girl and i waited outside her apartment as she was a half hour late for the first date. She was late for every date after that. It's three years later, we're married and she still always late!

My wife is the most unbelievable person I know and I constantly feel like the luckiest person in the world.

What's the lesson here? Who knows? I guess life is funny like that sometimes.
(6/6/2013 11:22:46 AM)
Everybody is right!!
Its very inconsiderate to come late, and it definitely shows a lack of respect for the other persons time. Nobody should EVER be late for a date.

On the other hand if you're the person waiting, take it easy. Nobody is perfect, the guy/girl who's late may just have a more laid back approach to life. If the worst thing about them is that their a few min late - Nu nu!

How could they both be right? You're also right :)
(6/6/2013 11:28:29 AM)
Married to Mr. Late
My shidduch came late on our first date. He said he couldn't find the house...ok, forgiven. The second date he was delayed getting home from Released Time...ok, forgiven. Third date, he needed to get away from a fellow bochur at yeshiva without him getting suspicious that he was going on a shidduch...I was very forgiving. We married. He is still always late, but a very kind, loving and caring husband in every other way. So I'm glad I overlooked that one detail!
(6/6/2013 1:06:35 PM)
Agree very much!
I once had a (first) date scheduled for a certain time, and ten minutes before he was supposed to show up the bochur called and said he wanted to push it off for an hour. Naturally I agreed, but then when that time came and I was waiting in the building lobby, another twenty minutes went by before the bochur showed up. I was extremely unimpressed, all the more so when the only thing he said about it was, "Sorry I'm late," with no explanation.

The message was extremely clear: "Your time is not important to me!"

Ah, but what if he was off saving a life somewhere and that's why he was late? "I'm sorry I'm late, something extremely urgent came up that delayed me; so sorry to have made you wait."
(Now I know that he wasn't just wasting time, and he feels bad about wasting my time, ergo, values my time.)

And what if he's just perpetually late? "I'm sorry I'm late. Being on time is just one of those things that doesn't come easily to me; I was even born two weeks late!"
(Now I know that this is part of his lifestyle, and the fact that he's letting me know to expect him to be late in the future allows me to plan for this and, ergo, shows that he values my time.)

Being late with no explanation shows a lack of respect for the person waiting. And when the person waiting is one who is a potential spouse, lack of respect can and should be an off-the-bat deal-breaker.
(6/6/2013 1:21:53 PM)
So common...
I know so many couples comprised of "punctuals" happily married to chronic "latecomers." And, don't blame makeup! This quirk crosses gender lines! It can be annoying, but one can work around it. (Now, is it ethical to tell my spouse that his dental appointment is half an hour before it's really scheduled? Hmmm.)
(6/6/2013 1:44:51 PM)
old fashioned
Much better, and safer, when the guy waits for the girl so she can get straight into the car. Sorry guys!
(6/6/2013 1:46:43 PM)
could be a sign of a BIG ego...beware
Someone who doesn't respect the time of others, like coming late to a date (or dates...) is revealing an important part of their emotional make-up. It may just be a correctable time-management issue, but it could be a sign that this person is really not mature enough to care for a spouse, emotionally and otherwise. Ask your shadchan, mashpia, etc. etc. to help you figure it out...don't just ignore it.....and hatzlocha!
(6/6/2013 3:17:01 PM)
"doing just one more 'thing' for your neighbor, friend etc. means that you care more about them than the person waiting for you."

Uh yeah. You don't know the other person yet.
(6/6/2013 3:24:23 PM)
"Big issue"
If this is our next "big issue" about dating, b"h I think we're doing gantz fain!
(6/6/2013 6:42:24 PM)
i am chronically late
no matter what i try! its not at all because i dont respect the others time because most often its me that loses out! it doesnt mean i dont care-this is just one of my personal faults. thankfully , my husband puts up with it, though it is hard...
(6/6/2013 10:39:21 PM)
what can YOU tolerate
If both are chronically late then fine]It's a perfect pair]I personally cannot stand lateness.I hate missing an event or coming to part of something because I have to wait for someone.If it bothers someone that much then yes, he/she should move on.If you see it early on and you know yourself and you find it makes you so angry, MOVE ON.It'll bother a lot more once you marry and you have to deal with this.
(6/7/2013 12:29:21 AM)
I am chronically late
but my husband has learned to deal with it. we have too much together for either of us to look at an issue that is not so important. yes, i know that i should be more caring about not making others wait but i also race into work at the last second. i am easily distracted and that is what makes me late. i work on it but my husband still puts up with it. he also does annoying things. we both do things that annoy each other but we don't make it the big picture. i hear my girls' friends say, 'i want someone who will accept me as i am' but they are not willing to accept the guy as he is. two way street is what my husband and i take.
(7/12/2013 5:24:37 PM)
i once went on a second date and was in sem, and had little money and walked into the hotel and gave the guy 20 shekels, he asked what is that for? i said well i was runnign a bit late with the bus and thought i can either be on time witha taxi or save the money and take the bus so i decided to offer him the money instead. we both laughed.
(8/9/2013 4:03:52 PM)
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