Mar 30, 2013
Clarifying 6 Shidduchim Points

Devora Krasnianski of the Adai Ad organization speaks to relationship coach Pearl Mattenson about 6 areas that need clarifying on a shidduch date.

By Devora Krasnianski

Adai Ad aims to address the questions that are on the minds of those young adults and parents involved in the Shiduch process. This short clip includes some tips and insights for having more productive conversations about Shiduchim (or really any conversations with your adult children).

There are many aspects of conversations around shiduchim; this particular topic was selected based on requests from some parents, bochurim and girls who we spoke with as we continue to develop programs for Adai Ad.

This is particularly relevant at this time of the year, when many children are coming home for Pesach and there is the opportunity for these conversations in person rather than on the phone or video conferencing.

Mrs. Pearl Mattenson CPCC, ORSCC, PCC, an advisor and consultant to the Adai Ad team, shares some important communication skills and mindsets for these types of discussions. These work well for communication in any relationship, no matter the stage of life.

This clip covers:

· Be honest about what you are really thinking. The parent’s state of mind impacts the conversation.

· How to start a conversation – even if there have been some parent-child issues in the past.

· Communicate what you’d like the conversation to be like –what you are hoping for in the conversation, and what you need from the conversation. And ask them what they are hoping for, and what they need from the conversation.

· Engage them with unconditional love.

· Don’t assume. Get genuinely curious and ask questions.

· Come into the conversation completely devoid of judgment – and maintain that throughout.

If there is anything else you’d like us to cover in future clips or articles, please email us at

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Opinions and Comments
Thank you!
I hope my parents listen to this :)
(3/30/2013 8:22:45 PM)
to adai ad
I'd really benefit from a clip to help singles out with topics to discuss during dating.
How do u bring up important topics without sounding like an interview?
what are important topics to discuss to ensure that you are on the same page...
(3/30/2013 9:19:01 PM)
So important but not easy to not assume we know what they'r thinking
This great initiative (by my cousin) will help parents and children talk about and make good shiduchim.

It's really hard to be really open and put aside what we think we already know. I attended a workshop with Yishai Shallif, a frum narrative therapist from Yerushalaim who developed a program called tranformative listening that requires asking questions from "a place of not knowing" without assumptions about the other person. I failed to avoid any assumptions in my questions twice before succeeding the third time. This was with a stranger! How much harder with one's own child.

Hatzlacha Rabba Devora.
(3/30/2013 9:39:14 PM)
I agree with #2
I would also benefit from ideas to talk about...and know how to bring them up! perhaps someone can post a link to direct us where to get more info on this? to be honest, I feel very nearvous about the whole dating process because of this issue. CAN ANYONE HELP? PLEASE!
(3/31/2013 12:11:51 AM)
to #2
agreed 100%
(3/31/2013 5:06:27 AM)
to #2
agreed 100%
(3/31/2013 6:23:41 AM)
I agree with 2

Thank you very much for dedicating to this cause.

Perhaphs just as a recomendation it could be very usefull to let us knowÑ

*Important things that singles should know before darting

*Whats important to know from the other side at certain point of the dating.

and the like.

at the end of the day there are no set rules, but it allways helps to stay focused and not get lost in the fancyness of the ocassion.

(3/31/2013 10:58:31 AM)
# 2's Suggestion
is a great one!
(3/31/2013 1:47:36 PM)
To 2 and all follow ups
That topic is covered in the AdaiAd course.

Great article and presentation Devorah.
(3/31/2013 2:04:26 PM)
i agree with number 2
please help
(3/31/2013 6:06:06 PM)
I think all this is absolutely necessary and excellent.
What I think should be addressed is the new wave of Disscussing guys or girls with friends after dating someone.
Inevitabely it will be coloured by my own experience with that person and then I create negitivity for them.
What happened to privacy?
(3/23/2014 3:14:46 AM)
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