Feb 26, 2013
Overcoming Fear of Commitment

Op-Ed: After finally overcoming his "fear of commitment," a recently married Lubavitch man shares tips on how he overcame his fear and finally proposed.

By M.

After going through this challenge and eventually overcoming it, I want to share some thoughts on "Fear of Commitment."

I am going to try and explain how fear of commitment works. Hopefully this is not your issue, and you will never have to deal with anything written in this paper.

Fear of Commitment is a very hard kind of challenge to overcome; this is because the one who may have this fear is not sure if he/she has it. The person with this fear will question whether their reason for not committing, is their own fear, or perhaps it is because they don’t like something about the one they are dating. Not knowing if the problem is a) their own fear, or b) an issue they have with the one they are dating, is the hardest step in dealing with fear of commitment.

One of the best ways to find out if the issue is fear of commitment or not, is by the person - who may have the fear - making a list with a pen and paper.

On the left side they will write all the positive things about the one they are dating, all the reasons why they have spent all those hours together and kept agreeing to go out again and again and again. Then on the right side of the paper they will write all the cons, the reasons why they aren’t sure. After writing the negative things they should go over the list and put an 'F' next to each one of those things, which are connected to fear.

So for example; lets say that Reuven was going out with Leah. Reuven and Leah go out 4 times for 5 hours each time. Reuven agreed to go out again each of the times, and he even enjoyed Leah’s company so much, that he kept the dates going for hours long. After the 5th date Reuven starts to feel the pressure of commitment, after all he is in the Orthodox Shidduch scene, were the objective is very obvious and known; they are dating to see if they are compatible for marriage.

As the thought of getting engaged gets more real in Reuven’s mind, he may start to have some doubts. What if she is not the right one, how can I know that I won’t meet someone else that is better in the future etc. These doubts are based on valid reasoning - it is true there is no way to know if someone else may be better, or if he/she is the right one. Only someone who has spiritual x-ray vision can see if the one they are dating is truly the other half of their soul. Everyone else is left with the task of having faith to find his or her baschert.

So to figure this all out, Reuven will need to sit down and write a list:

She is fun to be around
She is smart
She is on the right spiritual level for me
She has a good personality
She is attractive
She is capable to be a good mother in the future.

Sometimes she doesn’t seem so attractive
She is a little on the short side.
Not sure if she is the right one for me
I don’t always feel so "into" her

Let's examine the above list:

When you look at the pros it looks like a go. It looks like the best a shidduch date can accomplish: they are compatible, he likes being around her, he enjoys his time with her, he finds her attractive (at least enough to choose to spend over 40 hours with her), he likes the spiritual level she is on. It all seems good.

Let's look at the issues…

1.Sometimes she doesn’t seem so attractive: What does that mean sometimes? She obviously looks attractive enough for you to keep choosing to go out with her. If you didn’t find her attractive, you would have called off the shiduch at a much earlier stage. The reason there is an attraction issue is because of fear. Yes, fear can play tricks on your brain, it can make things look as bad as possible, all in effort to protect you from that which is feared. So even if you are extremely attracted to the girl you are dating, the fear will make her seem unattractive to you.

A famous example is of the couple that were dating for 2 years and then the woman proposed to him, as soon as she did he began feeling sick and said he needed to go home. The next time they went out, he noticed all these negative things about the way she looked, he started losing attraction to her, until he couldn’t even look at her anymore. The fear of committing made him see her in a different way, it projected her in a more negative way, in order to be protected from going further. So yes, it is possible that when he is not thinking about the ‘long term’ he will be extremely excited and attracted to her, but when he starts to fear the commitment he will begin losing interest.

This creates a serious problem; because one cannot commit to a girl or guy that he or she doesn’t have an interest in. So it is a vicious cycle; the fear acts as a barrier that won't let the guy move forward.

2. She is a little on the short side: This is stemming from the same fear as mentioned above, the proof is that he went out with her all these times and hours and that never seemed to be an issue, now that he is thinking about the commitment, any possible thing about her that can be used as a weapon in the hands of the fear will be used. No one is perfect; the fear will focus on all the imperfections and project and magnify them.

So for example, a slightly bigger nose will suddenly look like it is 1 foot long coming out of her face. Which guy would want to marry a girl looking like that?

So it is the fear that is playing tricks on the mind causing one's perception to become warped.

3. Not sure if she is the right one for me: There is no right one. Yes that’s right, the right one is the one you choose. You make it right, and you will have the best life together. There is no right one. And yes, there will always be someone else and the only way to avoid that issue would be to marry every single Jewish single female at the same time. (Not so kosher). So once again such a claim is coming from Mr. Fear. The fear of being bound by your decision without knowing if there is another better option out there.

4. I don’t always feel into her: Once again this is the effect of the fear, the fear is causing you to feel uncomfortable with her because you are thinking about the commitment you need to make, I’m sure if you were given the option to run away to a far off exotic island together with the hetter of the holiest Rav and not ever to have to commit, you would go for it in a second. The proof is that you want to go out again and again and you spend hours each date!

How to conquer the fear?

The proper approach to a successful dating process is to try and insure that the most important elements are there. Do your personalities go well together? Do you have the same goals in life? Are your spiritual levels compatible? Are you attracted to each other? (All you need to make sure, is that you are not unattractive to each other, because attraction will grow with time.)

Once you have the above things checked off, you have done your part…the rest is in the hands of Hashem. You need to trust that Hashem wouldn’t watch you walk yourself into a disaster and not protect you from it. Obviously Hahsem will guide you to what is best for you, and all He is asking from you, in this case, is to make a decision that you truly feel is right. He will stop you if it is the wrong decision. So there is nothing to fear aside for the fear itself… if the above needed elements are there then the next step is to take the leap of faith to jump in to the best stage of your life.

And remember that if you choose to give in to your fears, they will be there the next time, and the next time, and the next time…. However if you take the jump, they are conquered.

During my struggling with fear of commitment, a day came when I decided I would break out, I would conquer my fears. I decided that I would keep my eyes open for any sign Hashem may place before me, to lead me in the right way. That night as I was siting in a Starbucks, trying to find the courage to rise above my fear, I took a look at the words that were written on my Starbucks cup. It read:

The way I see it #76

The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating - in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life.

Within 10 minutes I proposed.

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Opinions and Comments
i had the same problem!
thank you for posting
(2/26/2013 7:28:54 PM)
for an important, great article that I am sure will be very helpful!
(2/26/2013 8:02:58 PM)
agree with everything except negative point 3
There is no right one? So anyone can marry anyone? is that how hashem makes shidduchim? The examples given in the torah shows that shidduchim are very specific to the person.
(2/26/2013 8:05:17 PM)
Mazal tov!
I am so happy for you!
(2/26/2013 8:20:39 PM)
to #3
I think the point being made is that, there is a right one, but only G-d knows who it is, as far as us limited humans, there is no way of knowing the "right one". just a thought..
(2/26/2013 8:21:37 PM)
what do u mean proposing?
us lubavitchers go to the ohel
(2/26/2013 8:29:53 PM)
you say
"All you need to make sure is that your not unattracted to eachother", the rebbe says the has to be hamsachas halav ( I.e an attraction ) to begin with he didnt say marry the person even if u dont have it and it will grow with time...
(2/26/2013 8:36:03 PM)
Bochurim should make sure they reach this level
BEFORE THEY START GOING OUT WITH A GIRL! (Not after fifteen times meeting with her which is after basically 80 hours together. BOCHURIM OUT THERE MAKE SURE YOU ARE READY TO GET MARRIED AND WANT TO TAKE THE LEAP BEFORE YOU SEE A GIRL! If you are not-take the proper steps to ensure that when you start going out with a girl all that is necessary is to see if you are compatible with each other and want to start your new life together. Remember all the basics were found out through the reference checking.Please do not continue doing this to the girls; you are hurting them terribly and in the long or short run you are hurting yourselves (namely your name).
Thanks for the great article. B"h you have a great end to your story!
A Grandmother who really cares.
(2/26/2013 8:40:53 PM)
Just saying
People are clueless when it comes to the specific characteristics that they look for in a future spouse. Life is difficult and complicated. An attractive spouse, a CV, and/or popularity does not necessarily go along with the characteristics of wisdom, maturity, intelligence, openness, emotional strength, and compassion that is often needed when facing marriage and raising children. You should evaluate the above criteria when considering who you want to travel with on this complex but amazing journey we call life
(2/26/2013 8:46:34 PM)
Please cite.
I really enjoyed your well written article.
However, you speak about the mind playing tricks on you. This is a psychological issue. Are you qualified in any way to state these facts?
I'm sure you have your sources, besides for personal experience (which isn't enough for us).
This is something that if true will be very helpful to know going into the dating scene, and I would love to know for sure that it's true.
Please cite sources in the comments. This way we can take to heart the things you say.

Thanks for the article.
(2/26/2013 9:01:57 PM)
To number three
That's not really the point he was trying to make. Obviously not anybody should marry anybody in the sense that if it is random and there are no particular characteristics in common between them. The point was that this particular girl in question who he was dating could be great, but if he so chooses, he has the liberty not to go out again, and to move on to someone else, with whom he could likewise experience a good time. So unless there is that eventual leap of commitment on your part, which was the whole crux of the article, you could be as free spirited as you want, but ultimately the one for whom you CHOOSE to be your partner in life will indeed be yours, and no other. But one could never say that with such certainty unless they actually did it and are living it. I think that is the distinction. For theoretically one could be in love with someone deeply but never implement those feelings in real life, thus leaving them at a crossroads in terms of their status with that person. The main nekuda is to make that commitment, and then takeh you are both right for each other.
(2/26/2013 9:08:36 PM)
I agree and there may be more
This was a very well written article and very true and clear points portrayed. Fear to this extent is a problem that requires more than this insightful article. Besides for the spiritual insights there is lot to be gained in the growth that will come from therapy, becoming more calm & happy with who you are as a person in general and may prevent the same issue rearing its head as life moves forward.
(2/26/2013 9:37:26 PM)
# 9
Everyone should read ur advice!!! boys and girls! it is not about who is a bigger hooha! it is about being a mentch! kind, loving and most important HELPFUL to ur wife! and especially if she is working outside of the home as well!! Hatzlocha to all !
(2/26/2013 9:41:44 PM)
Important article
So glad you posted this. I hope it helps many people.
(2/26/2013 9:43:49 PM)
the author is 100% right
He does not need to footnote or site psychiatric journals, #10. He is telling you from experience that the mind will rationalize the fears until they take over. Lots and lots of men and women have fear of commitment. It is not limited to men. Many women serial date and find fault with every guy that they go out with. To #10, this author is very qualified to make all the statements that he made because he lived it. Fear does not show up on a blood test. There is no way to qualify it except subjectively. You need to take it at face value, believe it, and apply it to yourself.
(2/26/2013 9:44:38 PM)
From a girls perspective
It is very painful when a guy strings you along, talks about marriage/ possible proposal and then suddenly gets scared and changes direction at the last second. Guys- get yourselves together BEFORE you date so you avoid hurting others in the process.
(2/26/2013 10:02:16 PM)
Change the Order
I have a bunch of quibbles with the process here and the flow. Firstly know thyself, this is the most important piece of all parts of the dating process. Take your piece of paper and write down FIVE points that are not negotiable i.e. I will never live in Crown Heights (smart boy) or I want to be on shilchus BEFORE dating.

Then write down five points that are preferred. I want a spouse who has a degree or a husband who never trims his beard. This has now allowed you to define what are the values that make you who you are and hence what you want in a spouse. Once you have your primer, then when fear or irrational behavior gets in the way. You go back to your paper and repeat over clearly whether it is irrational or it is based off of some more serious issue.

Writing down issues during the process is more difficult as you are already emotionally wrapped up in the situation and it will color your thinking. In addition writing down the specifics of the situation can also confuse your thinking since you don't have a base for what you inherently represent. Instead do all of this prior and create large over-reaching statements that define you. You will still have concerns but at least a rational blueprint to making decisions.

The emotional aspects of a relationship are a whole other ball of wax which is where you really can get messed up but that's a different discussion.

(2/26/2013 10:34:03 PM)
that was not nice
to number 17 " I will never live in crown heights {smart boy} " as a crown heightser born and bred I think you don't know what your missing out on. even if that wasn't the point of your comment I think it was downright nasty.
(2/26/2013 10:58:14 PM)
dating a guy who wants to trim his beard need help!
I need some advice
I am presently dating a guy who is a really special person with qualities not really found so often...maybe I can say 1 in a 100,000 literally ....he is so kind loving extremely good looking very talented deep caring the list goes on...

as we entered into our 9th date he starts to tell me that he would like to trim his beard and is open to some things I didnt think he was open to before .....to be honest I really want to marry him but I didnt have this in mind....I am deciding to go ahead with this special man ....am I making a mistake..?
I feel for now it is so hard to find someone so kind and loving etc. so maybe I should accept certain things that I didnt plan on.....
He will daven with a minyan ...learn...farbrang ....no movies in house....like I want ...dont get me wrong I am not an ultra...
but beard music ...not davening all of davening are his weaknesses ....he also says he is not sure how much he believes in yidishkeit but decided to keep it because it is a meaningful structured way to live as a jew ...

I dont want to loose the best thing that happened to me!!!!

chabad girl dating for a few years
(2/26/2013 11:25:20 PM)
to 8 and 16
the sad thing is that theboys don't realize they have this fear so how can they get their act together before dating. I feel bad for them and of course for the girls they date but really not their fault if they don't identify it as an issue within themselves. and to # 18, take things a bit less serious, no?
(2/26/2013 11:29:02 PM)
To number 19
It looks like your mind is made up and therefore don't need any advice...
However , my personal first impression of this is to tell you, yes go for it...
He sounds like a very special kind person... And someone you will be able to rationalize with after you're married..
Who knows maybe if he is soo kind he will end up not trimming ,and get closer to yiddishkeit ,because of his genuine interest in your wants and desires
Even though you dont get married with thoughts of changing anyone ( but yourself , maybe ),don't underestimate the power of a woman to have/ and bring the right hashkofos into a marriage...
Hatzlacha Rabbah
It should be in a mazeldige Shaa ..
(2/27/2013 12:15:33 AM)
to all woman.
as i lie in bed rdading all these comenents. i think to myself. just take a chill all girls. go to the beach. take a flight to isreal. why do all the girls think that tha guys the guys are out to get u.? enough!
(2/27/2013 12:15:54 AM)
to number three, i think you missed the point
he wasn't discrediting the concept of bashert, he was, in my opinion, simply stating two points. A- if you have the right attitude you can theoretically marry anyone. since a successful marriage is all about giving, its about living life in a 100% completely selfless way, it doesn't really matter if you and your spouse like different music or whatever. once you have the right attitude, you come to realize that marriage isn't about what can i do to be happy, it's all about what can i do to make this marriage peaceful and loving. there is no me anymore. which brings me to B- you're supposed to be married. that is the goal. you don't marry someone because you love them, you marry someone because you're supposed to be married and you therefore decide to love them. its much much easier to accomplish if you find someone who is compatible with you and shares your core values etc, but the goal is to be married. if you go into dating thinking, who can i meet that makes me the happiest, you're gonna have a bad time. you should go into dating thinking G-d wants me to be married, who can i find that i like enough that will motivate me to work on making this marriage the most happiest, loving and successful it can possibly be. and theoretically if you have the right mindset, that can be anybody. if you have the wrong attitude, there will always be the next person who is funnier, or smarter, or more attractive, but if that's how you feel, you really need to sort your priorities.

if you want to hear more and explained way better than i ever could, i strongly recommend watching the series at http://11213.org/tag/mashpia-mekabel/ . it will change the way you see dating and marriage. trust me, its worth it.
(2/27/2013 12:18:55 AM)
thank you
this was very insightful! as i read this i thought about myself (as a girl) and a certain situation and now i feel enlightened. thank you again!
(2/27/2013 1:16:51 AM)
Whaattt?? Number 19!!
Don't start asking for advice on this!!! Speak to a mashpia or someone. Anyone. Not a computer!!! Are u crazyyy??? And 21 why would u say that!!! Eww. You have no clue. Are you absolutely stupid??
(2/27/2013 1:34:55 AM)
to number 19:
what qualities are you looking for exactly?? a nicelooking, kind and loving husband? you dont think a bit of yiras shamayim is top priority?
think about it: if hes keeping yidishkeit for the structure then the second things get a bit tough and it gets inconvenient the whole thing gets thrown out of the window!! and would you want your children growing up with such an attitude.. that were frum just for the structure and nice parts of yiddishket but when things get a little challenging and not so easy to keep we just dont keep it anymore?
your not thinking with your head right now, your thinking with your heart..and thats where all the trouble starts.
please think this through!!!

(2/27/2013 2:01:49 AM)
What if you don't know if you have hamshachas halev?
Keep meeting until you ARE really sure, if everything else is good! Many times, the Rebbe would tell people: "lehamshich" - to continue. Just keep going until you know. If you enjoyed meeting him/her, met for many hours, appreciate his/her fine qualities, and just are not sure about hamshachas halev,make sure to give it enough time- you need it! Eventually it will become clear one way or another. Sometimes the Rebbe recommended a pause to ascertain if there was hamshachas halev. (Obviously, if you are absolutely sure after a while that there is no hamshachas halev, it's not for you.) And ask yourself honestly if it's fear of commitment. Don't keep dating new people, before an honest evaluation if you're not missing your boat that you already met!
And one more point: What is hamshachas halev?
It's not the stuff in movies or romance novels, as the Rebbe explained in yechidus to a young woman.
It's the knowledge that you feel enough for this person to know you can build a loving home and future together.
Great article- thanks for writing!
Thank collive.
May Hashem bentch everyone with besuros tovos!
(2/27/2013 2:32:34 AM)
well done
Author, kudos to you for using a challenge Hashem gave you and that you apparently overcame to enlighten and help others. I am a girl who BH does not suffer from this, but I can imagine those who do and how hard it must be for them. Your wife is lucky to have such an honest and humble husband, and one who seems to have a real relationship with the Aibeshter.

I am with 25 on this one!!!!!!!!!!!!!! speak to a mashpia or rav, this is the biggest decision you will ever make in your life!! ahava mikalkeles es hashura!!!!! Love distorts reality and may make you blind to you real priorities like yiddishkeit value! I know it must be hard because you said you have been dating for several years, but don't give up- Hashem has got your back 100%.! make sure this is the right decision and speak to someone who can help you determine that!! May you have clarity and overflowing simchos!
(2/27/2013 4:22:59 AM)
Well, my dear number 25:
If she, Miss Number 19, is in fact that desperate to be posting thoughts of that caliber online like this, then good for number 21 for at least giving some feedback of sorts. My question to you, however, is why does this disturb you so much? People are fragile beings, and to have someone with enough interest/compassion to try to help them, whatever the form or manner in which it's taking place, is a very beautiful thing. Don't make fun of that.
(2/27/2013 5:14:04 AM)
Anyone going through our dating system would have those worries. It is a huge step to take, asking someone to marry you, so obviously you will have to think long and hard about it.

Anyone who didn't has a problem, NOT those who did.

I hope you enjoyed your 15 minutes of 'fame' though, good try.
(2/27/2013 6:15:23 AM)
To #19
Run, don't walk to a Mashpia! Rabbi Z. Markowitz in Monsey is very experienced with things like this. Call him up for advice. Marriage is too important...you owe it to your self.

If he is starting to do less now in Yiddishkeit...what is going to be after. On the other hand, sometimes husband do do more, because of the right atmosphere and because of their wife.
(2/27/2013 6:23:09 AM)
Was that English?
(2/27/2013 8:24:53 AM)
This is so wrong
Throughout this article you write about your so called "fears". You made this whole story about you. Just think about all the girls you wounded, who sat crying and wounded. I would find it a lot more harrowing than your overcome so called "fears". You didn't overcome a fear of heights or driving. This was a commitment fear where you hurt many. Good luck picking up those pieces. This is exactly why we have this "shidduch crisis" because the perspective you gained and the faith in Hashem you acquired should've been what you started off with. So glad your tipping point came with your latte.
(2/27/2013 8:38:59 AM)
to 19
marriage is a big descision. speak to a mashpia or rav...NOT commenters on collive
(2/27/2013 10:09:20 AM)
It's his life and the girls will get over it.
(2/27/2013 10:10:20 AM)
to the author
Mazel tov. You write really well and with honesty.
Please please ignore all the negative feedback, it is below you to even read it. I think it was very giving of you to address this issue here, so all can benefit. Thank you.
I heard of a book, I think its called ' why cant men love', about this issue.
I hope I find someone like your guy, 19. Good middos is most important in my book. instead of running to a mashpia, how about trying a professional- a good one who wants your good and is not talking out of ego.
Good luck with your decision.
(2/27/2013 10:32:24 AM)
Thanks for all your help
I do have a mashpia ...she says not to go through with it ....but I have other married friends that say to go for it as long as we establish what works for each other.....and from what they were saying they know a lot of girls and boys who feel the same way about yiddishkiet ....we all do our best to make sense of this world....especially after gimul tamuz.....

Thanks again
(2/27/2013 10:33:29 AM)
TO #6
Excuse me but OF COURSE chabad propose then how r u supposed to know you're actually going to get married?
Obviously then you go to the ohel.
Sorry your comment didn't really make sense :)
(2/27/2013 11:31:37 AM)
To #35
Of course they will, but hurting someone is still hurting someone. We still have to treat people especially bnos yisrael with respect. Not string them along and make them think they're marrying you only to find out you're findin yourselves
(2/27/2013 1:11:07 PM)
Kudos and Mazel Tov!!!!!
I hope your article will help others to gain the strength they need to overcome their fears. Who knows how many men and women your article will benefit. It is so inspiring to see people caring and sharing!!!!
(2/27/2013 1:17:43 PM)
To # 19
The Rebbe says to talk to a mashpiah, and it looks like you did. I happen to agree with her (as well as 25 and 28). The pros you list are all emotional ones. He's nice, loving attractive - these are things that are necessary i.e. the hamshachas halev part, but they are not sufficient - it's lacking the logical, hashkafic compatibility. In the secular world, every boyfriend and girlfriend feels this way about the other for the same reasons, but they don't last long term because there's no logical compatibility. So, when the initial feelings of excitement wear off, there's nothing left upon which to base a relationship. It doesn't sound like your values line up, and as the famous saying goes, women marry men hoping they'll change but they never do, therefore, if you can't live with who he is now for the rest of your life, don't go through with it. You should find your bashert bekarov mamosh!
(2/27/2013 4:31:15 PM)
thanks 23!
that series is amazing!
(2/27/2013 4:39:41 PM)
Great article
Half the solution of the problem is realizing that you have a problem! It is important for people who are having trouble getting married to sit down and really think that maybe they could really be afraid of commitment and not blame it on a different excuse each time. You could be missing out on the best years of your life just because your in denial. If you think your suffering from this, get the help you need. There is nothing to be ashamed of!
(2/27/2013 4:41:51 PM)
to number 6, ur comment is so out, it s ad. if u wanna do things that away, good for u. its disturbing to read all the comments, here someone is doing service to the communinty, writeing an articel abt a very real issue in our circels and u choose to focus on the stupid litte;ll details.
i personaly think that this articel was very informative and respectful, while practical. yasher koach tothe guy who wrote it
(2/27/2013 5:40:17 PM)
For a bochur to go out with a girl 8 or 10 times for hours and hours each time, by which time the girl is convinced he is for her and obviously feels the same way, otherwise why would he keep going with her, and then calls it quits because HE'S AFRAID TO COMMIT is downright cruel!!! MAKE UP YOUR MIND BEFORE you drive a grl nuts and then ditch her for your own selfish reasons. A bochur once wrote to the Rebbe asking how will he know which is the right girl for him, since every girl he met seemed like nice girls. and the Rebbe answered "YOUR HEART WILL TELL YOU", and so it did.
(2/27/2013 7:24:08 PM)
To #6
When you grow older you'll understand
(2/27/2013 7:31:31 PM)
I HAVE SIX WORDS TO SAY TO YOU; Y O U A R E O U T O F Y O U R M I N D!!! (for that matter, do you have one?) people NEVER wrote to the Rebbe for a bracha for their shidduch until AFTER he proposed and she accepted. and the same is done now. AFTER the proposal the couple goes to the ohel for the Rebbe's brocha. Refuah Shlaima
(2/27/2013 7:34:41 PM)
To # 45
You claim that Feat of committment is selfish. Fears are weaknesses that all human beings have in some area. It is not selfish at all to be faced with a fear. It is a challenge that people need to deal with and overcome. In the case of fear of committment in particular; it is hard for the one who has it to become aware of it. He or she may keep going out many times with the hope that those feelings you speak about do finally come. The problem is, that the fear can numb the emotions so that the people is unsure of their own feelings. Also as far as this person who asked the Rebbe, which you mention in your post... If that story did actualy realy happen, it does not contradict what is written in the article, because the case in the article is dealing with a person that has a specific issue which blocked the feelings, so I am certain that the Rebbe would not tell a person being challenged with a fear, that they should wait till their heart talks to them. Because as mentioned, one of the challenges of the fear is that the heart doesn't get excpressed properly. The Rebbe would respond to each person on their level and terms, so you cannot apply something the Rebbe may have told person A into person B.
(2/27/2013 8:18:01 PM)
to 19
why don't you ask for a break for a week or two to think it through? Don't speak, don't text. If you still want to go through with it, then do, but remember it was you're choice to marry him - and he was honest with you where he's holding - so don't criticize him and don't try to change him. And also base your decision on- am I ok with him being the father of my future children IY"H.
p.s. if your gut tells you this is not for you, don't worry - there are other nice boys out there.
(2/27/2013 9:05:55 PM)
its very simple ...some boys/girls have this issue of commitment
and the fear can be a combination of many fears not just commitment ..it can be a fear of having children...a fear of locking themselves into a certain lifestyle not necessarily with the person...fear of being a mother..an example to children... responsibility...fear of being close to someone both physically and emotionally....etc...

Now what can happen is a few things

1. person goes on dates and dumps everyone because he / she is afraid

2 dumps everyone even the good ones bec of the fear

3 may actually be able to move ahead if he/she is so excited about the person that the excitement overcomes the fear ...which is very unlikely and not a healthy way to get married.

issues should be dealt with if in fact there are issues...see a professional

now another case can be where the person has certain emotional physical psychological needs in a spouse and simply didnt find that yet...so everyone screams at them that they have issues and the real truth is they really didnt find what works for them ...which may be another issue of unrealistic expectations ...

now this part is where I feel most strongly about
its the dating system....for many its not very natural system ...its based on the persons nature
some boys/girls simply need a substantial amount of time before they commit to someone for the rest of their lives!!
and thats normal!
its not crazy for a girl and boy if they both agree to date for 4 or five months.....
this idea of pressure that the boy/girl has to know if its right after 12 dates is absurd...

so I will leave off with a simple few words

Girls and boys.....figure yourselves out as much as you can before you start dating....know what you want in life and in a wife and children....have it down on paper...
if you even have the slightest doubt that you may have some relationship issues....do not only go to a MASHPIA!!!
for gods sake please go to a professional who specializes in relationships...get evaluated etc
and please give people some space ...this is not Russia..things have changed whether we like it or not....we are different

Also girls and boys...please dont lie to each other regarding what you want in life to make something work ...that will only cause huge complications later
(2/28/2013 12:01:59 AM)
It seems that the reason why there is a shidduch crisis is that peeople spend too much time commenting nonsense on these articles. The article was great! but guys and gals, if you want advice on marriage or dating, talk to the person your dating or a mashpia.. That, in itself,is the soundest advice.
(2/28/2013 12:14:19 AM)
to no. 19
aren't most guys very nice, kind and loving while dating? i also agree with your mashpia. Hashem should give you the strength and clarity, hatzlocho!! you are a strong girl for not running into something blinded, good for you!!
to everyone else here
, why the harsh words, no one is selfish for being afraid to get married and no one is crazy to think lubavitch doesn't propose, some are just clueless, so just explain. c'mon
(2/28/2013 12:30:17 AM)
to all girls being hurt emotionally
I'm sorry that it hurts u when a guy turns u down; (be it after 1 date, or after 25).
But do u expect a guy to have every single detail of every single character trait, and every detail of every value he has, and every thing he expects in a wife....down on paper before he meets you?!? Life is a live-and-learn situation. And so is the dating process...could be the guy never thought of a certain thing to be a necessary quality...we all apologize for all the discomfort it may cause u girls in the process, but trust me, we wouldn't have gone out with you if we didn't (initially) think that you would be our Bashert...al Kol ponim...
(2/28/2013 3:36:05 AM)
To 53
Yes that is actually a very good point.
But the problem is when you actually go out many times and you think that it's going to work and then the guy just turns you down....
That hurts.
Im not talking about the first few times but when you actually went out several times an you're starting to actually think about a future with this person.
Yes of course you dont have to accept just not to hurt her but dont let it go on for too long if then all that time is going o the garbage.
Im sorry of course i didnt mean YOU in specific i dont even know you :)
Im talking in general,
-A girl in a shidduch age
(2/28/2013 10:21:53 AM)
Amazing article!
Thank you to the author for shedding some light on such a prevalent and difficult issue. You give great advice. I'm sure it will help a lot go people.
(2/28/2013 1:42:08 PM)
to # 19
As others commented, I would absolutely listen to my Mashpia. When a bochur has the right Hashkafa and Yiras Shamayim from the start, you don't have to worry so much about him losing more and more of the most important values in a stable Jewish home. Good Luck!
(2/28/2013 5:02:44 PM)
to 19
the problem with not having a strong yiras shamayim comes into play mainly in one of the three mitzvos of the women... please figure out which...
(3/3/2013 1:35:48 PM)
"Not Knowing after 12 times is absurd" Sorry, #50, not knowing after 12 times may sound absurd in the secular world. In the secular world however, the divorce rate is over 50%. So, I would put more trust in the Torah perspective than a secular one. It seems to me that you would be much better off if you would do the same.
(3/4/2013 12:13:29 PM)
different question
what about people who have a hard time saying no?
(3/4/2013 5:30:39 PM)
to number 50
My grandmother used to say " if you don't know after the 9th you won't know after the 90th" . She was a very clever woman. A relationship of two frum kids dating can only go so far. When it shleps, it turns sour.there is only so much you can talk about unless you are progressing to the next level- co mmitment.There needs to be seen the potential to love- not love itself. It seems to me that you. are possibly showing signs of someone who has a commitment issues and uses it as an excuse. As the article says it disguises its in many ways. May Hashem give you the strenghth for clarity to overcome your fears. N o more wasting time. Let's move
(3/4/2013 6:15:29 PM)
hamshochas halev
It's difficult to know exactly what is "hamshochas halev". The Rebbe answered someone that it is enough if he feels that hamshochas halev will come, it's enought if he feels only the beginning of hamshochas halev.
you do not need to be in love - true love comes with time as you are building a life together. attraction is superficial-comes and goes.
It needs to be 'Hasechel Shoilet Al Halev'.
(3/4/2013 10:20:21 PM)
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