On Feb 10, 30 Shevat, Adai Ad presents…. Recognizing potentially controlling behaviors and attitudes during dating and early marriage with Dovid Kohn, LCSW, CASAC and Rabbi Levi Garelik.
This session is relevant to bochurim, young married men and those who want to learn more so that they can be a support to someone who is in this situation.
In a ‘please do not include my last name’ email to Adai Ad, Menachem X painfully described the details of his debilitating fear of his controlling wife. He is excited about Adai Ad’s programs that provide the necessary tools and insights to assure a successful marriage. He writes, “If you help prevent even one case of an abusive marriage, you are saving so much tzaar. But honestly, I think that there are quite a few cases of such abusive marriages, and I know that workshops like the one Adai Ad has presented for women last week [about recognizing controlling behaviors – see here], and the one planned for Feb 10 will make a difference.”
With clarity of hindsight, Menachem now sees that had he known what to look for he could’ve spotted it during dating. Or he at least nipped it in early marriage. Unfortunately he missed both opportunities. He commends Adai Ad for bringing this important workshop to Crown Heights.
This workshop is not about scaring people about marriage, as much as providing the awareness and tools to recognize that this really does happen – even to very good people. And to empower young people to deal accordingly if they feel this might be what is going on in their lives.
Awareness in empowering! Education and awareness of these behaviors and attitudes, which sometimes can be detected early, is an important tool for daters. It is also important for those who are in early marriage to be able to recognize if this is becoming a pattern in their marriage, and to know how to deal with it early, and to whom they can turn.
No plans to be in an abusive relationship. And (almost) no one plans to be a controlling spouse. In many cases, she or he may not even realize that their behaviors and attitudes are detrimental to their marriage. Learning what controlling behaviors look like and how those behaviors are perceived by the spouse is also important when setting up a marriage. This will also be addressed in this session.
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Dovid Kohn, LCSW, CASAC will describe the profile and some of the tactics of abusive spouses and explain various warning signals of potentially controlling relationships that may surface during the dating process or early in marriage. Dovid Kohn is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Addictions Counselor, and is a Clinical Supervisor at The Safe Foundation, Inc. He has done important work in the frum community, including working with cases from the Crown Heights and Lubavitch community.
Rabbi Levi Garelik will address the crowd with a Dvar Torah. Rabbi Garelik has dealt with unfortunately too many cases of controlling spouses and domestic abuse.
This event will be held at the Rubashkin residence at 1349 President Street, Sunday, February 10, 8:00 pm. Suggested donation $5.
The Adai Ad Institute, co-founded by Moshe and Faigie Rubashkin and Devora Krasnianski, was established to provide programming and education to strengthen marriages and ease the Shidduchim process. To find out more, visit adaiad.org
Actually, those studies show that children from divorced homes, when handled with care, thrive exponentially better than children who grow up in “intact” abusive homes – abusive, not the simplistic description of “parents who fight” – how condescending. Yes, divorce has a tremendous impact – but the studies show that the impact of growing up in a home where there is abuse – either to the children or to the parent, or both, is still more harmful than divorce. And no one is promoting divorce, G-d forbid, on the contrary – marriage is and should be beautiful and healthy. I… Read more »
well said
Hey #3, 5 etc If you read the article you will realize that a session for women has already taken place. I’m glad of that, I’m also glad that the reality of women to man abuse is being given attention. I am an employer (not in NY state) who has an employee (not Jewish) who was being abused by his girlfriend/fiancee. What a mess, and he was at a real loss for resources because he was male, and every program was set up for women. We have had women also in this position, and at least we knew of places… Read more »
The constant tension and infighting that takes place between two people who don’t want to be together is much more destructive to all involved. Parenting tip: Most children know the exact state of their parents’ relationship, regardless of how well you think you’re hiding it. They’re not idiots, they’re just smaller than you.
unhealthy marriage and unhealthy spouses simple create a system of family dysfunction.
Contrary to popular belief, divorce isn’t always negative for kids
I’m sorry that you went through what you went through. That said, I wouldn’t assume that your husband just “loved his wife and children” for the status. I’ve never seen an ex who’s still upset correctly understand the other ex-spouse, and that’s true of both men and women. You can now encourage people to value and preserve their marriages, and to give it a try when both are willing to change. And when it’s necessary, there’s still no place for vengeance, which only hurts everyone involved, even if things were done to justify it in a system that even earned… Read more »
There are situations which halacha points out in which divorce is allowed, though one shouldn’t rush to it even then. There is real abuse, which is tremendous. Today everyone claims abuse, often both sides claim abuse and abuse seems to run an awfully big gammit. There are problems that need to be dealt with. Divorce is almost never the way to deal with it. In those cases the ones divorcing usually recognize the need and don’t seek to label anyone against the divorce crisis as “supporting abuse.” And I don’t know anyone who values marriage who thinks it’s for the… Read more »
there are disorders that people have also, w hich arent so simple to deal with which people need to no about, they affect many parts of a married cuples lifes and upset lots of people. please cover that too. sometimes people dont know theyre being abused, a man wouldnt no he was being abused if his wifemakes him feel little he would not no its abuse. educate us thanks this is smart idea
There are other elements to this as well – having been treated with abuse, disrespect, namecalling, demeaning, controlling behavior – both emotionally and physically – why would anyone want to stay with such a person? In what merit? For the mere sake of the title “Mr. and Mrs.”? And what lesson are you teaching your children – that it’s okay to be treated as such, and the doer gets away with it? I hope that I’ve taught my children to try as hard as possible, and to give marriage your complete all, but that when and if that fails, you… Read more »
Seriously, to say that divorce is the quick way out is so out of touch with reality – does that happen?- sometimes yes. No one is “pushing” divorce,but to suggest staying in an abusive relationship is better than divorce is also not in touch with reality. Not everyone is capable or willing to change – most especially abusive people, who invariably don’t own up to their problems…it isn’t always doable. You need to understand that. To suggest that someone enduring an abusive relationship just isn’t quite giving it “enough effort” is so hurtful – are you suggesting that he/she is… Read more »
Sorry, Rabbi Akiva Tatz – His two part audio on marriage is very good and practical, although in truth nothing holds a candle to the Rebbe’s advice in countless letters on marriage.
If each person focuses on the negative then he or she will only feel the positive if all is Ch”V gone. Ask anyone who’s been divorced for a while and those who don’t have an ax to grind will confirm it. If the man wants to be treated like a king, he needs to treat his wife like a queen. If there are problems, they can be surpassed with extra kindness and then at the right time, in the right way, with skill and balance, bring up the issue. Some people are so careful to do this at work and… Read more »
ChaZal had a solution for a wife who disrespects, screams at, whatever at her husband. That solution is to be extra kind and smile and realize that she’s your bashert, she only wants you to pay attention to her needs and also that as a reward for this, you’re guaranteed “to not even see the face of Gehenom H”Y (eino roeh penei gehenom). The Rebbe also told a man to have his wife read the Freierdiker Rebbe’s zichronos (as a side note – those Zichronos and Likkutei Dibburim help us understand what a real great world view would really be).… Read more »
so basically your solution is to tell that person just to shut up and endure it no matter what. That is ridiculous.
i remmember when i was dating everything wasy rosy iwas so bubbly inside but i missed key signs of an abusive person now im stuck
R”L indeed and what a generation. Most divorces can be avoided with work and it’s always worth it – and an obligation for kids. What generation are we growing when people are taught that it’s ok to leave marriages. Those who do almost always inevitably regret it. Those who scream recognize that they are wrong. The more exclamation marks and hysteria, the more they usually recognize deep down that they are wrong like the Rebbe said about mitzvos. And sorry, but there’s more than “shame” on anyone pushing divorce – it ruins children’s lives and those who push for it… Read more »
Divorce is NOT always worse – you don’t know what you’re talking about!!!! Obviously you have never been in an abusive relationship – the damage from abuse if far worse than divorce! Shame on you!!!! and how glib and naive!
what are you talking about?
as much as im sure there are many controlling wives, how much more so are there controlling husbands! it takes two to tango. both men and women need such a seminar as both men and women can be controlling and/or abusive
As a victim of a controlling, manipulating wife and now lying manipulating ex wife, I can say 100% – these classes are so so important. I beg every bochur to go to such classes.
if its free anyways, please post online?
These seminars hide their true nature, to throw the sanctity and importance of marriage down the drain. They teach people not to fix things or live with any problems and countless kids (and their parents) have had their lives ruined. Of course married couples need to learn respect and honor for each other, but the emphasis shouldn’t be on shocking people into divorce or encouraging it in any way. Divorce is almost always far worse.
Can you have Mr.Kohn speak for married women as well?
Fantastic.Thanks for the awareness.I do feel that statistically this is more apparent in men…Would love sessions like this for girls as well.
Is there anyway to get a recording of this class or notes? I understand the issues of privacy but as a woman I am curious to know where the lines are drawn between abuse and controlling Jewish woman syndrome.
Thank you
-future wife who wants a healthy relationship
Will thy have this for girls too?
When I was dating I was in such a lala land that I was swarmed up like a tornado into a mess a can’t get out of. Bochrim and Girls, listen to these classes and advice so you know what to look out for when you are in shidduchim. Thank You for reading. Moshiach Now
Can you please record and post it online?