N’shei Chabad Newsletter
Question:
I live near my in-laws and naturally they are guests at my table quite often. Every time I serve my father-in- law, he makes a big show of inspecting the food and sniffing it before he takes a bite. It embarrasses and hurts me.
I want my husband to say something to him but he refuses, saying it is disrespectful. He doesn’t realize that his father is the one being disrespectful!
Should I press the issue with my husband, say something to my father-in-law myself or maybe write him a letter?
A Fed-Up Daughter-in-Law
* * *
Dear Fed Up,
That is tough to deal with!
You’re magnanimously hosting your in-laws, working so hard to cook up a delicious meal, and your father-in-law’s only thanks is a wrinkled nose and sniff.
Although his father’s idiosyncrasy certainly appears rude, your husband is correct in not pointing it out to him, and neither should you. Disrespect (which is what admonishing your father-in-law would be) is never the way to go.
Instead of being frustrated with your husband for not sticking up for you, feel privileged that you are married to a man with good values. As for you, look at this as an exercise in character building.
Make a decision to ignore your Shver’s uncouth behavior and do not allow it to upset you. Focus on the wrinkled nose (a pretty silly sight). Mind over matter!
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I would definitely say something to your shver in a nice way. I would ask him how he would feel if you were the one invited at his home and you would smell and put your nose into the food his wife cooks. As him if he wants his food more spicy next time and I would put lots of ground pepper.
I can fully understand why this daughter-in-law feels hurt though I wouldn’t quite label the father-in-law’s sniffing of her food as “abuse.” But think about it: this father-in-law apparently has issues, whether sensory issues that make him need to sniff his food in order to enjoy eating it, or whether he is plagued by ill manners or by lack of social awareness, or whatever, the issues are manifestly HIS. Why is the daughter-in-law making his issues hers? Instead of letting it get to her she might simply put his food in front of him and then turn in another direction… Read more »
i have learned some adaptive moves. ie i serve father in law, then sit on a stool by the counter or do some task so i can be nearby but not have to look. the way he examines each dish and only eats some things is very disturbing. when i serve him a tea, i give him hot water and tea bag (and sugar, lemon) separately. otherwise he complains. it is a rachmonis on elderly. they have very little left of their former life. ie no spouse, no job and no real authority. most seniors suffer from depression. they are… Read more »
In Yeshieva I used to see bochurim snif the food all the time and it gets to be a habit.
It’s like some snif the milk. Some lick the food. Some re wash the silverware.
I would ask if he always does that.
If he was a honerd gest would you care?
If the father in law is not suffering from any sort of dementia, or the like, and is deliberately being hurtful, then I would tell him quietly but firmly that you don’t appreciate his conveying veiled and rude criticism of your culinary skills. If he still persists, then I would not invite him, or not so often at least. I am surprised the husband does not show at least some regard to his wife’s hurt feelings.
To all the above.
Listen to what Esther says!
turning something so small into a shalom bayis issue?
i believe someone even mentioned the fact that theyre in laws may not be invited again. Obviously this women has a deeper issue with her in law/s and she is taking it out on a nonsense issue. Figure out thhe deeper issues!
Some people have a strange sense of humor.
But if it’s not – I would out and out ask him if there’s something wrong with the food. But that’s me.
I feel your pain.
Everything i do is somehow wrong in the eyes of my mother-in-law. I let my 12 year old babysit, and she says that i am being irresponsible letting her babysit. I serve two courses at my shabbos meal, and she says at least three. I don’t send my children to school until they are three, and she says they are missing a crucial year of learning. I eat any food that is kosher for pesach, and she says you can’t eat processed food. Sometimes i feel like just saying, i do things my way and you do things your way.… Read more »
I’m so saddened when I see this. Your FIL probably does have some odd habits. I would keep some kleenex on hand. Next time he sniffs, I would offer him one (kindly) and ask whether he has allergies, as you have noticed he sniffs at his soup every week. If he has allergies, fine. If not, and it truly is just poor social upbringing, or another issue, the next week you can gently mention, “Oh, that’s ginger in the soup. I just love ginger, don’t you?” (or parsely, cilantro…whatever). Be kind, concerned not just outwardly, but from your heart. He… Read more »
The situation leaves many questions as the preamble does not provide sufficient details. The writer needs to take the situation in her own hands and assertively respond to her father-in-law. Leaving the room and letting him alone or ordering take-out food and asking your husband to speak on your behalf is still not taking the situation under your control. Take the situation in hand, speak to your mother-in-law and find out more details. However, I would recommend not to turn your in-laws away as their presence and their involvement in your family life is so important for your children. Take… Read more »
I wonder why he eats by you. Do you ask him to come over? If yeah you can’t complain. He most probably likes his style of food he eats at his home. Do yourself a favor and cook him what he likes, and you’ll all be happy:))
stand up for yourself speak to a thid person with your husband like a marriage counsler and get guidance of how to deal with your fatherinlaw from a professional. No one should ever degrade and humiliate you like that. U need strength and support fromoutside your marriage. And its sad that your husband cant be there for you in an apropriate way. Dont suck it up. You deserve to be respected you work hard to make this food let a third person put your husband in his place he should be there for you and he could go out of… Read more »
the advise that was given, appearantly so distasteful to others reflects the age old tried and true torah. its so unfortunate that so many feel that being in america and ‘equality’ makes it ok to mouth off when offended by a parent. move on. the husband can apologize to his wife and express regret, but does not have to make a comment to his father.
MAYBE YOUR SHVER THINKS YOUR TRYING TO POISON HIM!
many times i serve to give the ladies a break , don’t be uncomfortable, just have your husband serve ….tell him it means alot to you if he helps.. have him serve the other males as well while u serve the ladies… good Luck
Once l made a terrible tasting meal and served it to my inlaws, who were consistently critical of me. l prearranged with my immediate family to pretend everything tasted great and to compliment me. It didn’t stop their critical attitude but we got a good laugh after they left. My point is, Sometimes it’s ok to laugh a bit when you are being bullied, and not take the bully so seriously.
I recently finally had enough with my in laws. We live away from them and they enjoy visiting and spending time with the children. I have been married for 10 years. I have a supportive husband but his father is another story. Constant negative comments about everything- how I raise the kids, cook, dress and look, etc. I cannot speak with my mother in law, because I do not think he treats her well either. Recently I put my foot down and said I cannot take it anymore. My husband finally confronted both his parents but there has been no… Read more »
With all due respect to N’shei Chabad, I feel that you should take your husband out to dinner and explain to him that even though you respect the fact that he honors his parents you are his wife and the way you are being treated is completely inappropriate. Perhaps after you do this, he should take his parents out and explain your concerns in a gentle yet firm and respectful way.
Why is she anonymous?
Penina Metal
A few suggestions to try: As some have commented, maybe he’s doing it to show how good it smells, which was my first imperssion. In which case, take it as a compliment. However, since it bothers you, either don’t serve him soup anymore – as some have commented, or sniff too and ask if the soup’s okay. But having your husband go over afterward will blow everything out of proportion. He SHOULD want to stand up for you, and should humourously say, “Ta, stop…” Whatever you do, don’t let it become an issue between you and your husband. Shalom Bayis… Read more »
I personally smell my food because I enjoy sensation and I also guess waht is in it….maybe he’s not insulting you at all…
I do apologize though bc it is rude to sniff food- but everyone knows I smell the foods I find most intriguing
He’s just sniffing and inspecting! And then he eats it! So maybe he’s making a little fool of himself, but why do you care?? How do you know he doesn’t like it? He’s still eating it, so who are you to declare this degrading towards you?
Disappointed and upset with peoples’ major overreactions these days over pointless ‘issues’,
D.M.P.
MAYBE HE ONCE GOT SICK FROM FOOD SO BAD, THAT IT LEFT A DEEP IMPRESSION IN HIS MIND.
MAYBE THE FOOD IS THAT BAD…
MAYBE HES KVETCHING TO HASHEM, HOW THIS FOOD IS SO GREAT, WHY IS IT THAT ALL THOSE THAT YOU TAKE AWAY FROM US, DONT GET TO HAVE ANY.
next time he sniffs, go over to his seat, and take away the plate.Say, I’m so sorry you didn’t like the food. Why all these “holier then thou” speeches. This is pure, outright Chutzpedike behavior. I’m sure his behavior is like this in other areas too. And ,you know what? In the very near future, your husband will be acting EXACTLY like his father. So show him that these kind of behaviors are intolerable to you.
Sounds like the husband is scared of his father. If he had a good, open relationship with his farther he would be able to bring up the issue respectfully and discuss it.
and i am not kidding underlying here are some serious issues even though, obviously we dont have the whole story. so, 1. husband needs to stand up for his wife and her feelings. If he doesn’t… humor is installed i personally think this is brilliant i am not kidding i would put husbands dirty sox in the soup next time, and ask husband to serve this will fix all and you simply smile and say…nothing but perhaps a little smile worst case scenario is that there is no soup that night this gets message across to husband that wife is… Read more »
Maybe your father in law takke hates your food. Quite simply: ask him “Is there anything wrong with the food?” That way you can then decide if you would like to cater to his tastes. He might very well say “Of course not, your food is delicious!” I wrinkle my nose because…..
I am really enjoying reading all the comments! Go Esther Etiquette! Go N’shei Chabad Newsletter! Go Collive women’s page! and a special honorable mention to Nurse Tzippy, who signed her comment, and whose articles in the NCN are fantastic!!!
First find out if he does the same thing when he is a guest at other peoples houses. If yes, dont take it personaly he is just a jerk. If it is only at your house you have the right to say something.
You said: He makes a big show of inspecting the food and sniffing it! you know why? because he enjoys the smell of your food, fact is: Then he takes a bite! He probably he enjoys eating your food more than his wife’s cooking. Did you even try to ask him, what does he think about your cooking? just between the two of you, and why he sniffs the food? I bet you didn’t! You are too busy being hurt to get to the bottom of the matter. You’ve got work to do my dear. Don’t be over sensitive, look… Read more »
I am enjoying this very much- the dialogue. For a change there are some decent comments on col. I go through this alot. Sometimes I put up a big shtink about something ridiculous that my shver said or does and Hubby is ready to pick up the phone and let him know and I’m the one that just doesn’t even want to confront him with it. Just leave it. I don’t want him to use it on me now that he knows I tattled on him. And sometimes it’s the opposite- I’m mad abt something he said and Hubby sees… Read more »
You and your family are blessed to have grandparents coming
over and joining you for a meal. I think it shows a lot of positive that they feel comfortable coming over to your home.
Many people have this meshugos of smelling food before
eating. Its a meshugo like any other meshugos. I wouldn’t
take it personally. Being respectful to your shver is the best
chinuch you can give your children. Try not to focus on the
negative. I’m just wondering, if your father did this, would it
bother you too?
My Shver ain’t the easiest either. But I learned to keep my mouth shut – and accept him as he came.
You have to show respect and be civil, but who says they have to come over often?
ABUSE has become the new catch phrase. This is not abuse. This is bad manners. There is a difference.
Fathers-in-law have NO right to abuse their daughters-in-law
there is nothing you can do to change your shver just come to terms with it. ultimately you are better off showing your children the kavod you have and imy”h when you are a shvigger you will get the same.
ps. its never a good idea to try to get in the way of your husbands relationship with his father.
Option 1: Say “Shver I find your actions offensive”
Option 2: Stop cooking for him
Option 3: Mimic his behavior so he sees what he looks like
Option 4:Passive agression, ie “Shver it’s so cute when you sniff your food like a cutie patutie puppy, bow wow”
I’m a mother-in-law whose son-in-law does just that. Closely examines every bit of food, smells etc, pushes it around the plate and does a favor to eat a few morsels. How do I feel? My other guests are always full of praise for my cooking, so I dont take it personally. HE has the problem, I want to keep good relationships with my children and grandchildren – so I just ignore it and make no comments. Perhaps that’s the best thing to do – dont take it personally – it’s not your problem. Kibud Av v’Em and keeping the family… Read more »
nice point!
Just out of simple respect and decency, a husband should never tolerate his father’s disrespect towards his wife. My shver was as nasty,as nasty can be to me, not only my husband never defended me, and asked him to stop, he would fight with me when I would be hurt and complain. We always walked out of his company fighting!!! My inlaws, both of them, would talk nasty to my husband about me. End of story: miserably unhappy wife, miserable marriage
The Torah says that a man is supposed to “Cleave unto his wife”. He may not disrespect his father, but if having his father at his table makes his wife uncomfortable, the proper thing is to stop inviting them. He will eventually get the message. My father was 100x worse than this father-in-law. He would eat by me very often and make comments about me, personally, and about my food. Finally, after years of this, I just stopped inviting him. It took a year or so, but he finally got the message and now we have a wonderful time when… Read more »
He’s one of those MANY people who need to smell food to eat it. It INCREASES his appetite. Take it as a compliment. Mere smell of food spikes levels of brain “pleasure” chemical UPTON, NY — Scientists at the U.S. Department of Energy’s Brookhaven National Laboratory have found that the mere display of food — where food-deprived subjects are allowed to smell and taste their favorite foods without actually eating them — causes a significant elevation in brain dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with feelings of pleasure and reward. This activation of the brain’s dopamine motivation circuits is distinct from the… Read more »
Best Answer – Chosen by Voters
People who appreciate food consider smelling it an important part of the eating experience. (Just like wine tasters smell wine.) People might think you’re doing that because you suspect it might be bad or contaminated. You might not care what people at work think, but if someone makes you a dish, make sure they know you’re smelling it because you enjoy it.
Say humorous things, like use an accent and say “I’m the whiff around here” or “in the olden days, they used to sniff tobacco, nowadays, I guess people sniff food.” or “did you have a dog when you were younger?”
A well known concept is that of making sacrifices for family. You married a wonderful husband- from the article it is clear he has shining middos, and you have to acccept the csituations that come along, such as an inspective father in law. Deal with it.
Don’t invite the rude boor. But first, tell your husband not to be a doormat. There are ways of pointing out bad behavior in a respectful way. BTW, you don’t mention if there are kids watching, but if there are, what a terrible example he is setting.
Did it ever occur to anybody that this father in law may not be the old geezer you imagine him to be? I became a shver at age 43. He may just not realize that his behavior is rude or that his daughter in law is disturbed by it.
maybe his smelling the food is his way of showing that he loves the smell and is actually complimenting you!
although your first instinct is to be angered and want to push his face in the soup the best way to deal with it is to just ignore him and have enough esteem and confidence that your food is great and he has the problem………when i go to my daughter in law i also see many things that i could comment on but i am a mench and i accept her good intentions and i enjoy my meal………the goal is sholom bais so just don’t even pay attention to him ………..
You call this abuse – Please! You all insult and detract from those out there that truly suffer from abuse.
I cant agree more with #19 & #20
You are wrongly leaving her hanging. Granted, sometimes issues aren’t worth fighting for, but this one should not be left to linger, simply because her husbands’ a wimp. Being respectful does not mean to be pushed around. Don’t make it her fault, or her problem that father in-law is discourteous or lacks social norms. In a respectful manner, her husband should tell his father–privately–how he should be more sensitive. Don’t be stupid by saying it’s from her (your wife) because then she’ll feel uncomfortable when the in-laws come over. Simply say you don’t like. Don’t make it your wife’s problem.… Read more »
I’m in a similar situation except my father in law then refuses to eat if its not exactly what he likes. I stopped inviting him over, my husband and I have been happy since.
If this is your ONLY complaint you have with your Father in law, your husband should ask his mother if this is his fathers normal behavior whenever he eats out and if it is not and this behavior is only to you, find every excuse to not have then over and when you MUST have them over order take out.
Wow, I read these comments with interest. For 15 years, I took verbal abuse from my mother-in-law. My husband and I both have very strong values for kibbud av va’em, so we both swallowed the abuse and never answered back. Recently I felt like I just was getting to the point that I felt I just can’t go on. I was resentful, stressed and nervous every time my mother-in-law walked into my home. We finally asked a respected Lubavitcher Rov what to do. His answer to my husband was very clear. “If your mother is causing tension in your home/marraige,… Read more »
The comment “feel privileged that you are married to a man with good values” is totally off base. The husband is scared of his father and can’t stand up for his wife. He might have “good character” but he’s a chicken. If he won’t stand up to his father she needs to stand up for herself. My response is one of them should approach this individual in a private setting and explain that the wife feels insulted and to please not do it. If he still is disrespectful; Let him know that you would love to maintain a strong relationship… Read more »
I agree with 18, 19, 20 etc.
Och un vei to the attitude of so many!!!!!!!
Just wondering… Does this behavior constitute as abuse?
Not trying to minimize the situation here, but sometimes you need to ignore certain things. I have B”H been married for many years and came to the conclusion that you can’t obsess over every small thing. Yes, I would certainly be insulted with this behavior, but I wouldn’t let it destroy my life.
Maybe you should talk to your mother-in-law, and ask her – what she would do if her father-in-law would do the same thing….?
then, very politely ask her what YOU should do….
I guarantee – 100% end of problems!
to good oldfashioned kibbud ov vo’eim?? having said that, maybe someone should look at the broader picture. 1. does he insult her cooking after he is through with his inspection, or does he just look it over and then eat it? 2. is he rude or insulting to her in other circumstances, say when she brings the kids for a visit or at family events? if he’s generally insulting and abraisive toward her (or others) then maybe there’s something to be done about it. but if he just has a strange habit of going over his food with a fine-toothed… Read more »
I don’t think the advice here is on the mark.
While your husband is obligated in Kibud Av, you do not have the identical measure of obligation. Yes, there is an obligation to honor one’s in laws, but it pales in comparison to that of your husband towards his parents.
You cannot sit back and accept abusive behavior. If it is indeed true, a carefully formulated message would be the way to go. Keep the emotions out and address the issue based on principles that he, as a frum Jew, ascribes to. Respect, being grateful, accepting one’s lot, etc.
If you would see my shver you would say that this woman’s shver isn’t that bad. My shver always feels the need to disagree and mock everything I say or do. He always has a smarter way of doing things everyone in the world is wrong and doing it wrong and he has the right way to do things. Never a compliment always criticism If I say right he says left and so on and my wife never stands up for me even if she agrees with me. She always say after that I was right but she will stand… Read more »
I can’t believe all these comments saying that she shouldn’t be expected to take abuse.
NEWSFLASH: A person smelling food and inspecting it is NOT abuse. It is downright rude and ill mannered but NOBODY is being abused here.
How did this article spiral out of control like this?
husband should talk privately to his father and ask not to do this anymore or he is affraid just ask him what is the reason he does this an explain to him that is hurting feelings and promoting the opposite of shalom bais
i know some ppl has this attitude of smelling food everywhere not for something gainst cookers, but bc they had a bad experience of having eating spoiled food
Of course a woman should be allowed to stick up for themselves and the hudband is a worse man for not sticking up for his wife.
Maybe be even kinder too him, ask him how he likes his soup? try to accommodate his taste, and he will see what a Kiddush H’ you bring to your home 🙂
Sorry, i’ve tried that , it doesn’t work. After 20 years of taking abuse from my inlaws-outlaws- and my children watching their father say nothing its spilled over to outside people insulting me to my face and my husband saying nothing. No, you don’t take it quietly. Abuse is abuse -if its verbal or whatever. It only gets worse. So, take care of it- responsibly and respectfully. With a sense of humour is usually the best way. I like the response- we can order out for you or you can bring your own food . Even my kids were taught… Read more »
I agreed with all the first comments until I read yours. Perhaps you are right or at least have some very valid points. If he does have something like OCD there is nothing that can be done, being that he is old, it is highly unlikely that he ever got help or will at this stage.
1. Like #1 says,It may be that the daughter in law is overly sensitive and insecure and interprets things in a way that is not the reality. However, the retort #1 tells the daughter in law to say is not nice. 2. It may be that the daughter in law is right. This is actually how her father in law is behaving. But it may be an idiosycratic behavior that has nothing to do with her. He may be doing this with his wife and everyone else. It could be he is sensitive to food and doesn’t like to eat,… Read more »
I’m a yungerman recently married, and my parents come over sometimes and i consider it the greatest honor and have great reverence toward them. That being said the most important person in my life is my wife and i respect her over all else. Should my mother or father ever do something like that my wife wouldnt have to say anything to me. I would go over to my parent on my own accord and very respectfully let them know that if they cant respect my wife in my house, then we can eat by them instead. Never would i… Read more »
The father-in-law sounds very set in his ways, as most older people are later in life. He is probably very fussy of outside foods which in other words are made out side his familiar kitchen by his wife. I do not think he is demeaning your food, but he is just insecure about eating outside his comfort zone. I feel you should not take this as an insult, but just understand that at an older age, people do have lots of hang-ups that they will not give up any time soon! He has many years of eating his wife’s cooking… Read more »
A husband must stand up for his wife when his parents are acting disrespectfully, though it can be done in a respectful way too.
just speak with his father in a respectful way and say something like, “Tatty, my wife really doesn’t like it when you do ____. As a favor to me, would you please not do it any more?”
There is nothing wrong with being direct in a respectful way.
Perhaps this big “Chosid” of a shver reacts to his OWN wife’s cooking in the same rude way ! ! Maybe the husband grew up seeing this behavior at his own table and knows from experience that speaking to his Father ( even respectfully ) would just bring out his Father’s irrational fury. His Mother then would be the LAST person who could have an influence, This is how abusers work – they create an atmosphere of FEAR in everyone around them so that no one dares to confront them ( it’s called “walking on eggshells” ). In such a… Read more »
It clearly states in the Torah that a man should leave his parents and cling to his wife !
Of course all this should be done with the utmost Derech Eretz .
next time ur in ur inlws house see if he does the same to his wife;s food don’t take it personally from everyone we learn what to do or what not to do!
respect has to be earned it dose not matter the age it has to be a two way street i would never let my father talk to my wife that way and he doing it at her table and how dose that look for the kids
1. you should 100% stand up for your self and have your husband do the same.
2. stop inviting your in laws maybe the will get the message.
3. the next time, put in some more salt in his soup!
Is the husband afraid of his father, G-d forbid? Because if that is the case, he will never stick up for his wife in ANY situation. What message are they sending to their own children? You can’t be a bully and not raise bullies….kids only know what they learn at home.
Does your father in law do that only with your food, or does he do it whenever he eats? Or only when he eats outside his own home? Maybe he has sensory issues. Maybe he once got food poisoning when eating out and is very cautious since then. Maybe it’s not about you at all. If he is not saying any nasty comments, give him the benefit of the doubt. This is his mishugas. However, if he is saying disrespectful comments about you it is very important that your husband find a gentle and respectful way of telling him that… Read more »
Nowhere in the letter does the writer suggest her father-in-law is a chassidishe yid, or a Lubavitcher for that matter.
I agree with number 10
So what? Is this the worst thing he does? Just think of it as idiosyncratic, old people behavior. You know he’s going to do it, just walk away. He keeps coming back and keeps eating there, so just drop it. Don’t pin your husband against his father. You might ask your mother-in-law if he did that to her and how she managed. Work on yourself, and your reactions, not on other people. The test is given to you.
Does he eat the food? Does he clean his plate or refuse whatever you make? Maybe it’s his way of saying “Oooh! YUMMY!!” My father heavily salted everything (except desserts) that my mother cooked for 40+ years till the excessive salt killed him. He never even tasted it first. My mother, B”H, had enough seichel to laugh it off & wasn’t insulted, it became a family joke (although now we know about the dangers of salt.) There are people who smother everything with ketchup without taking a bite. And so? I think you’re very wrong to take this so seriously.… Read more »
I am not disagreeing that it must be frustrating for your FIL to be smelling the food, but what it it was your father who was doing something to annoy your husband and your husband wanted you to say something to your father. Would you? Or would you let it slide? Your FIL obviously has OCD tendencies and you will not change him at this stage of your life. Do not be insulted, he probably does it everywhere, it is a habit of his. Your husband is between a rock and a hard place, cut him some slack. And yes,… Read more »
you should feel sorry for your motherinlaw if he smell you food i hope he does not verbally abuse his wife its hard but ignore it it last 2 second smell its not worth the argument life to short
My shviger constantly put me down, both in front of myself and in conversations with my wife. Constant bickering, pressuring, harassment and deeply hurtful words. And this was already in full swing within the first few months of marriage when we barely knew each other.
The marriage failed. G-d bless the meddlesome in laws !
If that is what he does to his daughter-in-law can you image what he does to his wife? You rescued your husband from his household!
.if i was the wife & my father in law did that to me i would probably just quickly serve my shver the food & then just leave the room & quickly go upstairs to my bedroom or to some other area of the house & let my shver just eat the food there without me around.that,s probably what i would do if i was in that situation.
That’s is a very danegrous and antiquated response. If we were living in Afghanistan, maybe for fear of getting my head chopped off, you’re right. But your reply will only cause tensions to fester between husband and wife. She is offended by his father’s rude behavior. He refuses to stick up for her. Where does that leave them? Where do you draw the line? What if it wasn’t food? What if each time he came in he leered at her when no one was looking? Or maybe if he would tell her out of earshot, “you’re fat!” Why do you… Read more »
“We can always order you take out or you can bring your own peanut butter sandwich next time”
EXACTLY.
Obviously there has to be kibud av, but there are creative ways to do this respectfully. The responder thinks this is a “yes” or “no” question. And why is the responder anonymous?
“feel privileged that you are married to a man with good values” Is this Afghanistan or something, where women need to sit back, and take in this nasty behavior? The husband has a decision to make, its either wife or his father – hopefully his wife!
even if your father in law is a nut to ask if there is somthing wong with the food and stop there is a good hint while no other guests are there
You don’t have to be abused! Tell your husband that you won’t have his parents over unless he tell his father to respect you. He can say it in a mature respectful way but still get the point across. Avoidance is never the answer especially if you live near them. You will just come to resent them and eventually your husband also.
שומעים חרפתם ואינם משיבים is a level for Tzadikim, normal healthy people should stay away from hurtful situations, as it will definitely have a negative impact on them. If they can’t move away from the painful situation, they have to respectfully – but firmly – assert their intolerance of the offensive behavior, even if its just a simple notification “You make me feel very bad about myself when you do that. I don’t appreciate it”
what do you mean, as you do not know, please wake up and see around you, all your people are so good??.
my answer in this case is ONLY AND ONLY FOR GEZH, YICHUS OR BEAUTY WITH MONEY… if all those facts are not there forget it, sorry lost case…
shalom bayis comes first
He should definitely stand up for his wife, or he may soon see that his parents are not welcomed anymore.
It’s always sad when someone in a position of authority acts in a way that is totally inappropriate and degrading to another person. The father-in-law here is someone who claims the title of Chossid of the Rebbe and is the patriarch of the family. The fact that he routinely embarrasses his daughter-in-law in this manner creates a Chillul Lubavitch and a Chillul Hashem. I disaggree with the advice given here. What if this woman’s children grow older and ever notice that their supposedly Chassidishe Zaidi acts in such an awful way? Or what if there are other guests at the… Read more »
Why would a person do that????!!! even a waiter in a restaurant should not be treated like that!!! Where are people’s brains???
You have to make sure you are not dreaming or are a conspiracy theorist. Privately ask you husband or another person who is seated when your father in law is there if his behavior is indeed what you suspect it to be. If the answer confirms your suspicion, then do this: Next time he sniffs around, ask him loudly: “Is there something wrong with the food?” Don’t be embarrassed to answer back if he mumbles something or looks at you like a nut. “We can always order you take out or you can bring your own peanut butter sandwich next… Read more »