Jul 14, 2010
Dealing With a Shadchan

Shidduchim SOS: Chicago Shadchan Rabbi Moishe Raitman has valuable tips for a successful shidduch experience: The do's and don'ts in dealing with a shadchan and what every parent can expect from them.

By Avigail Bakaleynik

Rabbi Moishe Raitman, a shadchan in the Chicago suburb of Wilmette, Illinois, recently spoke to a meeting of the Chicago Shidduch Group, sharing tips on choosing and working with a shadchan, and on clarifying one's shidduch objectives for the best results. Who is getting married – the parents or the child?

Rabbi Raitman began his presentation by pointing out that the Rebbe's approach to life’s challenges in general and in particluar shidduchim needs to be with a positive attitude. Chabad Chassidim are known for their warmth and joy, and our approach to shidduchim should be no different. He takes issue with the term "Shidduch Crisis", and while he acknowledges that the dating dynamic has definitely changed from previous years, the situation must be approached as a challenge, not a "problem". For example, it cannot be that yesterday’s success is today’s crisis. 40-50 years ago the Rebbe was heralded for being instrumental in the founding of the Baal Teshuva movement. Chabad worldwide flourished as a result. Today, many of those baalei teshuvah and their children need shidduchim and are being rejected because of their background. This of course is not what the Rebbe intended. By focusing on what is really in the best interests of the individual - the Ikar - and not what is secondary - the Tofel - , the challenge of finding shidduchim can be met averting the so-called stigma “crisis”.

Using stories and examples from Torah and from his shadchanus experiences, Raitman delineated the role and function of the ideal, effective, professional shadchan, as well as the ideal attitude and approach of the prospective single and his or her parents. While he did warn against idealizing the image of one's prospective spouse -- it seems the perfect, or almost perfect, shadchan is not too much to ask.

He acknowledged that there exists much frustration with many Shadchanim. However, one needs to understand under which pretext the shadchan is offering assistance. Many shadchanim view their roles in being partners with the parents in helping find one’s bashert.

There are 3 manners in which shidduch proposals are made. If parents are clearly made aware in which manner the shidduch is being presented, much aggravation and false expectations would be prevented.

[1] Shadchan has not researched the name however suggests looking into it to see if suitable.

[2] Shadchan has made some preliminary research and suggests worth looking into further.

[3] Shadchan has done considerable research and highly recommends.

The onus of due diligence still rests upon the shoulders of the parents who must investigate and research to assess if the proposed is a match for their child.

According to Rabbi Raitman, a professional shadchan should offer you five C's:
1. CARE
2. CHARACTER PROFILE REVIEW
3. CONTACT CHECKING
4. CLARITY
5. COMMUNICATION

CARE

As the Rebbe suggested, one should choose a "special" shadchan who clearly cares about you and your search, and with whom you feel comfortable dealing. In the Rebbe's words, he should be a "ba'al meretz" - energetically undertaking to fulfill his shlichus. Just as Eliezer the servant of Avraham was made to swear a shvuah, the shadchan should be someone who will be ready to persevere on your behalf. The personal sense of responsibility will translate into a pleasant and hopefully fruitful experience for all involved.

CHARACTER PROFILE

The shadchan who cares will take the time to go over the single's profile or resume. Just as a job-seeker prepares an employment resume very carefully, often hiring a professional resume writer for assistance, the shidduch resume should be carefully constructed to present the person in a truthful but effective manner. A vague, unflattering, or unrealistic profile could be of more harm than help. It could also be a turn-off for the shadchan, since it will be obvious to the shadchan that the single or parents are not clear or reasonable about what they are seeking. It will be impossible to help such a single, if they themselves do not have a clear or realistic perspective.

A shadchan should ideally really go over the profile with the single or parent, clarifying and defining terms such as "chassidish", "mentch", "balanced" and other frequently used words and phrases. "Who doesn't want a mentch?" Raitman asks. "Does anyone specifically ask for a bochur without a sense of humor?" But sometimes using these catch phrases signifies that the single has not taken the time to really investigate what they are looking for. For example, a girl who said she wants a "chassidisher bochur" first explained that she wanted someone who wore a black hat and white shirt. "So are we marrying the shirt" asks Raitman. "She also wanted someone who attended minyan three times a day and had a daily shiur. After much self introspection, what was primary for the girl was an individual who was a truly caring and sensitive husband with Chassidishe standards. The shirt color was completely irrelevant. She also came to the realization, that if he was to be especially attentive to his wife and very involved with the kids whenever necessary, he might not always be able to attend a minyan three times daily. It turns out that the minyan-going was not as important to her as the sensitivity, patience, and versatility." Raitman points out that talking it over extensively with the shadchan helped her articulate her needs better than simply writing "chassidish" and "a mentch" in an email, and it helped the shadchan find the right guy for her.

On the other hand, focusing on irrelevant details and trivial priorities could hamper your search for one’s bashert. "Most people like long walks on the beach, bbqs or hanging out with friends," Raitman says, "but how much time realistically will one have to do these things after he/she are married? Are these interests shidduch-preventers from even going out? Personality essentials are much more relevant." Also, he notes, a profile description should indicate what positives the individual brings to the marriage and how he/she will contribute and compliment one’s future spouse.

CONTACT CHECKING

A good shadchan will remind you to check your references and find out how they might represent you. Who are you putting as your references? What will they likely say? Before listing them, ask them how they would describe the single and what type of person they think would suit him or her. Even if you do not list the reference in the end, if they are likely to be called anyway, as in the case of a long-time employer or a school director, it is worthwhile to have this discussion with them.

Also, the shadchan should know who might be good additional references, as well as anyone who is not recommended as a contact. The shadchan should ideally be familiar with what the references will say, and he or she can get a better picture of the single by calling the references himself.

CLARITY

Singles and parents often complain that shadchanim do not return calls, flip off names from a list, or simply forward emails with little time or thought invested in personal communication. Even a caring, invested shadchan may at times act this way. If the shadchan gives you a name, find out if it is a suggestion (being passed on as a favor but without much research invested), or a recommendation (based on research and more careful matching). Each could be valuable, and if the single understands where it is coming from, there is no need for him or her to be upset. (See above).

It is also important to find out about the shadchan's general approach and if anything significant is going on in the shadchan's life, such as a simcha or a special situation, so you can understand how they are likely to be dealing with you. If you are not comfortable with their style, you can choose to work with a different shadchan.

COMMUNICATION

The shadchanus relationship should be a two-way street. Parents demand return calls from the shadchanim yet in many cases they are slow to respond in a timely fashion to proposals presented to them.

The single and parents must be open to communicate with the shadchan, provide clear, honest, straightforward information and feedback. "If I am close to the mark, I want to know it," says Raitman, "That will help me do better next time. And only getting negative feedback makes my job very tough."

After a date, Raitman likes the couple to call in within an hour, if only to leave a brief message. Later he will "debrief" them on the details and how they felt about it. Many young people are not sure what they are feeling or what their feelings signify - whether to continue or stop. This may be true even of older singles. (In fact, due to parents either desiring to shelter their children, or parents rejecting shidduchim for their own reasons, even older singles may not have that much actual dating experience.) A good shadchan will provide some guidance.

Raitman urges parents to communicate with their children. "Parents need to know what the single wants, not what they the parents want. So often I hear, 'We are looking for...' 'We want this type of family...' and I ask 'What does your child want?' and the answer will be 'I don't know...' Who is getting married, the parents or the child?"

IMPORTANT THINGS TO REMEMBER

We have heard these points before, but they bear repeating.

"Don't play HaShem," advises Raitman. "Don't reject names out of hand. Sometimes people are holding things up -- their bashert may be right in front of them but they are not seeing it." When people finally accept what they or their child feels and needs, things start working out. Actually, an effective shadchan can sense this problem and must help resolve it before setting up dates. The shadchan should be certain that the single and the parents are being clear and honest, with the shadchan and with themselves, about what the single needs and wants, not what he or she initially thinks she wants, or what the parents want. (For instance, one explanation for why the daughter of Eliezer servant of Avraham was not a good match for Yitzchak is because Eliezer was from Chesed, like Avraham, and Yitzchak from Gevurah. Avraham, the father, was able to see that Yitzchak needed Rivkah, who was the perfect balance for his Gevurahdik Avodah.)

Having a mashpiah is of extreme importance in identifying one’s true needs.

Focus on pnimius, not chitzonius. One reason we cover the kallah with a veil and the chosson is given a tallis before the marriage is to show that the external attributes of the person we are marrying may very well change over time. We are marrying the real person inside, not their chitzonius. That is why the single should put more energy and thought into finding the inner person. We have to be reminded over and over again that we are not seeking our ideal mate, the one we are imagining to ourselves that we would love to have, the one who is tall and dark and likes long walks on the beach. Like Adam and Chavah in Gan Eden, we are seeking to be re-united with our missing half, and we are seeking to RECOGNIZE that half, by looking at the pnimius of the person -- and not at their long nose or light hair or family background, or some other characteristic that we would never have imagined we would consider. This requires emunah and bitachon, and the spiritual clarity that Chassidus provides.

Finally, the shadchan should be ready to follow through as necessary. Raitman strives to fulfill the requirements of his ideal shadchan, and he admits that it limits the number of people he can take on. But a caring, committed, and communicative shadchan, working with caring, committed and communicative clients, b'ezras HaShem will be blessed with many successes.


*************************

Rabbi Moishe Raitman is a Shidduch Coach and Shadchan.
To schedule an appointment, he can be reached at moisheraitman@gmail.com or 847-626-6445.

The Chicago Shidduch Group is a grass-roots support network founded on the basis of achdus and ahavas Yisroel, using ruchnius-based actions and active networking to meet today's shidduch challenges. The group has celebrated 80 shidduchim since its inception in 5755. The core actions of the group are:
read and review the Rebbe's letters and advice in the book Eternal Joy, [Kehot]
give 18 cents daily to a hachnosas kallah tzedakah,
actively assist others in their search and with their simchas,
daven for the singles in your group when bentching licht and saying tehillim,
attend shidduch group meetings and lectures, and
contribute positive chizuk and encouragement.
The Chicago Shidduch Group has 22 sister cities, including Baltimore, Cleveland, Crown Heights, Detroit, Los Angeles, Miami, Minnesota, Monsey, Morristown, New Haven, Pittsburgh and San Diego.

Caracas, Johannesburg, Melbourne, Montreal, S. Paulo, Sydney and Toronto.

Questions about how to start your own group may be addressed to: chicagoshidduch@gmail.com

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Opinions and Comments
1
Well Written
Rabbi Raitman is the founder of ChabadMatch. If only every single would sign up, the shidduch challenge would be helped so much... Besuros tovos!
(7/14/2010 6:52:49 PM)
2
Chabad Match

Chabad Match would help if the membership that is paid would go to salary of a full time shadchan who will help set ppl up.
I paid for two years and nothing came out of chabadmatch.
(7/14/2010 7:24:56 PM)
3
divorcee
not everyone wants to write up everything upfront
there are some shadchanim that already categorize you if you come from a divorced home.
although i can appreciate ones want to be careful...
the fear really may not be founded.
(7/14/2010 7:28:32 PM)
4
amazing !!!
the only shiduch article that has some sense to it!
(7/14/2010 7:33:13 PM)
5
very to the point
its good to have all the things we know are true put in a clear and concise fashion, amazing
(7/14/2010 7:35:00 PM)
6
To # 1
"If only every single would sign up, the shidduch challenge would be helped so much"

Many people have signed up to this website and have been on it for years, yet little has it helped them.

The website is only a good database if there are shadchanim that are actively taking these names and matching people up.

People have been signed up, and have had no suggestions for months, and maybe even years.

I have a suggetion for users of chabadmatch.com

Everyone should display their name for the public to see. Since this is the most important thing in your life, it is best to be as open as possible.

If displaying your name is too much to ask, at least make sure that a shadchan or some reference is displayed for people to contact. This might be a way for you to become familiar with a shadchan that will represent your interests.

Hatzlacha Raba
(7/14/2010 7:41:17 PM)
7
To #1 and #2 - ChabadMatch
I think you are mixing up Rabbi Moishe Raitman with the founder of ChabadMatch who is Moshe Raichman.
(7/14/2010 7:50:47 PM)
8
chabadmatch
yeah no1 on chabadmatch does anything ive been on there for years and no1 contacts me!
(7/14/2010 8:09:24 PM)
9
not so
He did not start Chabadmatch. It is someone else.
(7/14/2010 8:18:16 PM)
10
True but
Now that we know what shadchanim should do, where are the shadchanim that do just these things?
(7/14/2010 8:21:57 PM)
11
Great Article
Well written; Concise and eloquent. A great resource.
Thank you Avigail. Kudos to Rabbi Raitman
(7/14/2010 8:34:50 PM)
12
shadchan crisis
SHADCHAN crisis
(7/14/2010 8:49:56 PM)
13
shidduchim
Eliezer`s daughter was not good for Yitzchok Avinu because she wasn`t from Gezshe. Avraham Avinu sent Eliezer to his Eigene mishpacha to find a wife. Why choose and pick one lesson, and choose to skip another
(7/14/2010 10:04:11 PM)
14
Amazing
Go chicago Shidduch group!
(7/14/2010 10:24:20 PM)
15
sure?
Are you sure its Raitman that founded chabadmatch?
I thought it was Moshe Raichman.
(7/14/2010 10:42:13 PM)
16
should ofs, would ofs, could ofs.....
a) chabad match is useless
( trying to get a response from them is like trying to reach the prime minister of england) basically its a place to put a resume and picture that sits.
b) the shadchanim are useless
they are all too busy with their own lives, don't want to know you cause you are related or connected to them or have enough money to interest, they are deaf and decide who and what they want to set you up with, and don't listen to any suggestions,
try getting one to call back consistantly without getting excuses because of their travel intinerry, chassunas, or other misc excuses because you aren't doing anything and you don't have any responsibilities only they do!!!!!!!
c) the chabad grapevine however is functioning at 200%, don't worry if you need info you won't get it,
if others need info about whats going on in your life , your family, your aunts sisters brothers mothers father nephew inlaw that went fry and married a indian , that will be front page news on , making it from one ear to another faster than the speed of light!
Don't worry your only what? 39 , you can stick around for another 15 years until you give in to one of the outragious shidduchim matches that you shook your head no over, 20 years ago out of desperation or giving in to the black mail that the shaddchanim are going to suggest to you anything else but what they want to...................
what works for a small select group succesfully isn't working for the rest of us ! Bitter ?? No! Just a realist about a sad , sad situation.

Very nice suggestions, where do you live in disney land???? It won't happen!!!!!
(7/14/2010 10:46:19 PM)
17
chabadmatch
Definately was Raichman! it's Raichman's website, not Raitmans
(7/14/2010 10:57:06 PM)
18
Moishe Raitman
ive dealt with moishe and he sure knows what hes doing. people LISTEN to him. if u think u know better, take a moment to reconsider what you've heard cos he's worth your time. if he suggests, then take it seriously even if you will only be ticking off 99 of the boxes. at least be mature enough to consider - YOU ARE NOT PERFECT YOURSELF!!
(7/14/2010 11:01:33 PM)
19
I am with #10
Please some one list the names and contacts of the Shadchanim that do the things in this article, I have yet to find one.
(7/14/2010 11:06:40 PM)
20
COMMENT ON CHABADMATCH
My older daughter found her husband on chabadmatch. My younger daughter is on there now. Suggestions have come from there. We have turned down some and some have turned us down. Each suggestion has brought my child one step closer to her bershert.
(7/14/2010 11:06:52 PM)
21
You go #16
#16. You are 1000% Correct. People are living in a fantasy land. The Shadchan has no time ever to talk to anyone. They are SUPER busy with absolutely nothing . They give you a run around on how they are soooo busy but meanwhile u see them somewhere and they have all the time in the world ( You cant expect them to wait on you hand and foot, i know they have their own lives also). They just dont care anymore. They stopped doing research on the the person they are trying to match up. They are just throwing names out there sometimes, so you would get off of there back and leave then alone....

Its just seems like no one cares anymore. Since they dont really care anymore, I myself have seen more and more singles making there own Shiddach amongst themselves...
(7/14/2010 11:12:20 PM)
22
the final check
everyone wants perfection skinny goodlooking yichus money chevraman learner and the list goes on. skip all that - check out hwo they treat their family, grandparents inlaws etc. that in the end tells all and is whats most improtant. whoever i speak to agrees iwth this.
(7/14/2010 11:33:50 PM)
23
watching the show
The way I see it;
Be a mentch to a shadchan. Give them a very short description of what you are looking for and they are likely to suggest a name that you will probably refuse, then you need to tell them exactly why that name is not for you and realise your list just got a little bit longer, then the shadchan will give you another name that you will probably refuse and then you need to tell the shadchan exactly why it is not for you then you need to realise that your list just got a little bit longer then the shadchan will give you another name that will be "exactly what you are looking for" so the shadchan will call up the other party and believe it or not "sorry, but it's not what we're looking for" this will go on a few times until both party's finally agree and then they will go out one time and......."sorry it's not what we're looking for....it's just simply not for us".
Well, you know what ?????? They are not making matches but they are on the phone the whole day!!!!!
Everyone is upset at the shadchanim because they cannot produce the kind of matches that they are looking for :(. If you want to find a match, you will simply have to chose from what is available..... we can't produce the kind of matches you have in mind so you get all upset at the shadchanim......
(7/14/2010 11:58:07 PM)
24
its a full time job
today people have to work and help with shiduchim nobody is a full time shadchan
you have to do reserch yourself you know what is important for you
(7/15/2010 12:03:04 AM)
25
It may seem hard, but a positive attitude is the ONLY way to succeed
To everyone complaining, I am sorry you all have had difficult experiences, but personally, every time I have a difficult life experience, first I suffer, then I ask why, and eventually I figure out that Hashem wants me to DO something about it. When I finally do take action and make changes, I ALWAYS grow. And that is the point! Difficult things happen to people. They are being given a chance to grow. Take up the challenge that Hashem is offering you -- rise to the occasion -- respond maturely! Do not blame others, do not find excuses, do not sit around waiting for someone to solve your problems -- but ACT. Do chesed, help other people with their shidduchim, give tzedakah daily, get involved in some interesting and valuable activity, create something, make yourself interesting and desirable. And trust in Hashem more than in people. Shadchanim are only frail human beings. They try, they err, they are limited, they are only channels, they are not your salvation. Turn to the Aibishter! He is waiting for you to ask. He is not too busy.
(7/15/2010 12:30:04 AM)
26
to #22
your right. and #25 your right too. the aibishter will help, but he also wants you to help yourself. make sure you are a true mentsch to members of your own family. those that don't eventrually do suffer. foster good family relations from a young age and you will avoid rejection
(7/15/2010 1:23:43 AM)
27
the only way out of this
Moishe Raitman please move to new york
(7/15/2010 2:03:37 AM)
28
Hard to disagree more
Do you realize what you wrote in the article?

You are as unrealistic about the ideal shadchen as a BT mother looking to marry off her first daughter (sorry).

The shadchen must be tall and dark, skinny, energetic, have the right approach, spend a lot of time etc....

Get real. It is not how it works, there are 1000 single guys and girls out there and shadchanim are trying to do the math and throw out the names.

Shadchanim have their own kids to marry off, pesach, succos, the summer bills and other things to do.

But, a lot of the things you write are correct, like who is getting married, the kid or you? What will the neighbors think?

And about the mothers who are doing the intensive and essential research to take a chill pill and trust in G-d for a change.
(7/15/2010 2:19:44 AM)
29
Chabadmatch
Since everyone keeps bring that up, might as well comment:

#1 PLEASE UPLOAD A PICTURE, all the profiles are so... similar, a picture goes a long way to help you stand out.

#2 Please use it, don't be cheap. It is a good way to centralize things in chabad, and to know who is single and basic info.

It doesn't mean anything bad, or demeaning....


Try it,. When I took the time to update it properly and write a decent profile about me I actually had a few calls from there.

Wondering who I am? Check the guys with pictures... I"m the best looking one....

Just kidding, relax!
(7/15/2010 2:26:22 AM)
30
state the facts----TRUTHFULLY !!!!!
shadchanim--begin with telling the truth.---Oh--she was engaged twice---I had no idea!!!! Oh ,she doesn't care about a L'Chaim, because she's had two already---I had no idea.--Present all the facts truthfully and then let the young man or young lady decide.--UNBELIEVABLE---BUT TRUE
(7/15/2010 2:50:24 AM)
31
To 24
There is 1 full time Shadchan. Avtzon, he even gave up Sichos In English for it.
(7/15/2010 7:45:17 AM)
32
its true
Its pointless being on Chabad match, my daughter has been on for years. . . shes 27. . we've NEVER been contacted. . . what they're claiming is just not true . . . Been there , done that, along with many others, nothing happens , nothing
(7/15/2010 8:06:49 AM)
33
Network person
Chabadmatch gave me access. I suggest hundreds maybe thousands of people from chabadmatch. When i was in Canada, i met with a shadchan to try to match up people. She had an entire room with a computer, with notes about all the chababmatch people. I was in the south a month ago, another shadchan told me she felt she knew the chabadmatch people by heart. I was in another meeting in the east , 4 shadchans got together to make matches. Everyone one of them knew countless details of each and every chabadmatch person. I not going to email each person i suggest, and tell them I suggested you today and you were rejected. When I see new engagements, i know many of them because of chabadmatch. If i go to a medium to small city, I will email all the chabadmatch people from that area and ask to meet them. Many of the email addresses are not functioning. Many of those profiles are written by the mother, I get the personality of the mother. I need to get the personality of the single. Post yourself and put up your picture , we are studing these profiles.
(7/15/2010 9:14:06 AM)
34
Thank you
Well written, Mrs. Bakaleynik.
(7/15/2010 9:45:27 AM)
35
#30
Well i have a brother who has never been on chabadmatch but relies on shadchanim and friends,hes a couple of years older then your daughter,hes handsome,head screwed on and a mentsch thru and thru...and im not being biased!!!what is she looking for?maybe we can make a shidduch right here?!
(7/15/2010 9:47:09 AM)
36
Here's how it works
Its interesting to see how people THINK ChabadMatch should work.
People seem to think that if they will post their profile, there are shadchanim lining up to match them up.
NO! THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS!
1. Post your profile.
2. contact a shachan.
3. When the shadchan gives you a name, look into it and let them know if you are interested. If you are not interested, let them know why. Guide them!!!! Be a mentch. Be polite and appreciate the fact that they are doing YOU a favor.
4. If the shadchan does not get back to you, contact ChabadMatch and let them know that the shadchan is not doing her job. The shadchanim that list themselves as shadchanim are supposed to be available to help you if you contact them!!! Nobody is paying them, but they listed themselves as AVAILABLE shadchanim, if this is not so then whoever is in charge of chabadmatch needs to be informed so that he can take care of it.

Good Luck, it worked for me!!!!!!!!!
(7/15/2010 10:46:27 AM)
37
FIVE C's?!
i thought it was just four. Color, clarity, cut and carat weight. every jew is a diamond after all.
(7/15/2010 10:47:46 AM)
38
to 31
Really gave up his SIE connection? Lets hear from Avtzon directly..
(7/15/2010 11:35:10 AM)
39
Shadchonim catalogue
I like this post because the Shadchonim are explaining how they want to work. Their expectations and best way to work with them.
This site would be doing a community a service if it would have a Shadochim catalogue.
Including their names, preferred method of contact, frequency of contact required etc their approach, what they consider the important aspects and how their prospectives to deal with them. The list on Chabadmatch is a start. A broader and more descreptive approach linked to helpful articles would be better still.

Btw There is a number ranking on Chabadmatch. What is the mean of that?
(7/15/2010 11:53:35 AM)
40
A Random Idea
I think everybody agrees that Shadchonim don't work, and neither does ChabadMatch.

How about creating a website that works in this fashion:

Any single can sign up and make a free profile. The single posts his/her resume, reference numbers and perhaps a picture. Then the single is presented with a list of all important qualities that you may be interested in, for example, Responsible, Organized, Outgoing, Sense of humor, Temperament, Respect, Open-minded, etc etc. The single has to sort that list of qualities from most important to least important.

The site will then show the single all 'matches' on the site who have sorted their 'qualities-list' in a similar way, ie are looking for the same things you are.

You can browse the names of those matches, and if you find a name you are interested in, you can request from the 'matches' to view their resume profile, which the 'match' can either approve or refuse.

Obviously a computer is never going to work as well as a human, but this might help alleviate the problem.
(7/15/2010 12:21:17 PM)
41
Chabadmatch is a community service
Chabadmatch may not be perfect, but I'm not sure people realize how much time and effort must go into creating any interactive database website. True, chabadmatch charges an annual fee, but I suspect the cost of creating, implementing, maintaining and running it exceeds receipts. Some hakaras hatov is in order. Even if something is not perfect, a team of people are working to create a solution, and it is a start. Instead of griping, let's help develop this tool to become better. I notice that chabadmatch does ask for constructive feedback, even if they don't have the resources to respond instantly. (And I just know someone is going to say, "I did write them an email and they didn't respond! So I just gave up.")
(7/15/2010 1:23:02 PM)
42
att #40
Funny, you are basically describing ChabadMatch, except first you gotta stop wanting to marry YOURSELF!!!!
(7/15/2010 1:27:39 PM)
43
att #42
Marry yourself? The point is to make a list of the qualities you want in a *spouse*. Read the post again.

Anyway, I thought on ChabadMatch only shadchanim can search the database?
(7/15/2010 1:52:13 PM)
44
The Los Angeles shidduch group
In Los Angeles there is a group of devoted women that have been meeting once a week since summer began trying to match up the singles from California . Parents can send in their child's profile and it will be brought up at the meetings.
Their e-mail address is snla770@gmail .com
(7/15/2010 2:04:15 PM)
45
to #32
Im #35,my comment was for #32 not 30and the offer is still on...believe it or not!!
(7/15/2010 2:30:41 PM)
46
To 33
To number 33.
Thank you for posting. I'm glad to hear that there are caring people who read and review the profiles on chabad match.
(7/15/2010 4:12:56 PM)
47
Very Satisfied Parent
Thank you COLLIVE for posting this article. I am most probably like many other frustrated parents out there. I just finished my scheduled appointment with Rabbi Raitman and was very impressed with his insight, advice and practical suggestions in a number of ways that we had overlooked. I've never dealt with a "shadchan coach" before but I definitely look forward to working with him for my children. Very reassuring that there is somebody who hears, listens and relates.
(7/15/2010 5:22:24 PM)
48
chabadmatch does work
My daughter-in-law was listed on Chabadmatch and that's where we found her!
BTW, how many shidduchim did Mr. Raitman actually make? Talk is wonderful, but what's his talent in this area?
(7/15/2010 5:49:39 PM)
49
Bla bla bla
There is a lot of talk about how parents should deal with shadchanim, but how about girls and boys themselves? Many girls and boys don't want to rely only on their parents or don't want to push the responsibility on to their parents and can use tips on how to deal with shadchanim themselves.

People who are prepared to take responsibility for their own affairs and don't leave it for others should be commended and helped.
(7/15/2010 6:05:41 PM)
50
Disappointed
I put my child on chabad match and never heard from anyone.
I also gave money to a shadchan for one of my children and was offered NO names at all. Only if I had a name, then they would contact them for me and try to push it. A year later when I had another child , and I called I was told that each child was another fee. So being desperate, I paid again and again and still No names. After nudging finally gave me a list of boys names with no info on them and asked me if I was interested in any of them. How would I know with no info?
(7/15/2010 7:13:31 PM)
51
att #43
On chabadMatch, you CAN do your own search, but you don't get the persons name and complete profile. You get a brief description if you do a search yourself and then you need to contact a shadchan to get the rest of the profile.
(7/15/2010 7:42:37 PM)
52
to number 48
youre a bigshot!
RABBI raitman has helped MANy people and just because he didnt show off by writing it out for you- you jump to conclusions!
(7/15/2010 10:31:24 PM)
53
to #48
settle settle you sound bitter. consider a session of coaching to relax YOU!
(7/16/2010 12:00:27 AM)
54
TO THE BOYS
BE A MAN
SEE A GIRL YOURE INTERESTED IN?
FOLLOW UP!
(7/16/2010 1:38:23 AM)
55
to #44
So basically this exclusive for Californian's??? What if I live in NY and I don't want my profile roaming around lubavitch?? Why can't people set up their friends or wives friends with husbands friends??? Times have changed and people need to network, don't say you care if in reality you don't.
For example you come to a lichayim or wedding why can't people be sensitive enough to ask their spouse to look out for the young bachlor/ettes and try to set them up, I think that would solve a big part of the problem.
As well if let's say the boy or girl agree to go out there should not be any skeletons held in the closet, if she's big and has a twitch and is not very pretty please say so don't try to hide information, all it does is get people to not trust you and in turn less shidduchim will be made that way.
Sorry if it sounds like I'm putting down girls that aren't pretty I just know that I want to marry someone I am attracted to, she doesn't need to be a supermodel, but I need to be able to look at her and find her somewhat appealing to look at, if not a head-turner.
(7/16/2010 6:17:46 PM)
56
to #32
MAYBE WE SHOULD BE IN CONTACT WITH ONE ANOTHER. WE'RE LOOKING FOR A SHIDDUCH FOR OUR SON.......
(7/19/2010 8:06:47 AM)
57
TO #50
Let's write. We're looking for our sons as well.
(7/19/2010 8:10:42 AM)
58
To #41
Chabadmatch is actually a one time fee of $18, it is not an annual fee.
(7/21/2010 9:49:05 AM)
59
Chabadmatch empowering parents/singles
Chabadmatch enables parents/singles to do limited searches. Instead of only relying on a Shadchan to contact me, or running after Shadchanim, I can do limited searces on the site. I will not know who the single is, but have an idea of what kind of person they are. If I am interested i can contact that single's shadchan, or any shadchan on the site. This worked very well for me.
(7/21/2010 9:53:55 AM)
60
to #4
uh huh
(8/6/2010 6:44:00 PM)
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