Jun 1, 2010
It's Not all Black & White
Shidduchim SOS: If you are going to marry what someone else thinks is good for you, but not what is truly good for you, then you will be miserable.
I would like to address a misconception which has crept in to our community at large, and more specifically to our single boys and girls on the shidduch scene.
There was a comment on the last Shidduch Op-Ed - "A Crime to be Chassidish?" - that got a lot of feedback and for good reason, it was pretty controversial and, in my opinion, not very intelligent and not very accurate.
The part of the comment which I am addressing reads as follows: "Crude as it may sound, shidduchim is all about how you market yourself, it's one big P.R. game Guys are either selling themselves as the learning 770 bochur who's going on Shlichus or the working guy who is frum but trims his beard or the gezha guy who has a lot of family money etc........with girls it's the same deal, - yes every one of you are multiple dimensional complicated deep people but unfortunately you gotta pick one image, one persona that you put out there and you gotta stick with it, otherwise you send out mixed messages and it just causes confusion for everyone else and frustration for you."
First of all, not everything is so black and white as you put it. What I mean to say is, not every guy is either in 770 looking to go on shlichus or is working and trims his beard. You don't have to stick to "one persona or one image," as you put it.
There are some guys who are working and don't trim their beards and who want to go on shlichus when they get married and build a frum and chassidishe home.
There are some who are in 770 and one day they are looking to have a business or career in whatever field they choose.
This labeling of people is really wrong.
So guys and gals, listen up:
If you are working and looking to go on shlichus eventually then say so to whomever you talk to in regards to your shidduchim - friends, parents, etc... and don't say you are looking for a boy/girl with a career or profession in another field. There is no black and white, there are some guys who will not go to a movie and don't want to have movies in their house and still want to build a chassidishe home - but not necessarily on shlichus. This is not a contradiction to being open-minded and with-it.
There are some who would want someone who doesn't sit all day and watch movies but still is open-minded enough to understand that there is a world out there and can enjoy themselves and knows how to have fun in ways other than going to the movies. For example - going to restaurants, shopping, going to a baseball game etc. There are many different levels and you have to be specific in what you are truly looking for in a spouse and levels of frumkeit.
As important as having simillar goals and hashkafois are, I think the personality of the person and their middos are just as important. Is he a mentsch? Is he nice and giving? Is she the type of person who will go out of her way for someone else, or totally self-absorbed and selfish and high maintenance? I think this is what people need to make sure that they not overlook.
Sometimes we get so caught up in "do we share the same ideals and goals" and we forget the main thing, "is this person a mentsch and can I live with them and be happy, or will she use me and abuse me and be a 'Machashifah'."
If she will be that, then it doesnt matter if we share the same goals or ideals, the marriage will not last, and if it does, it will definitely have a negative impact on the future children and ch"v generations to come.
If you're a girl and you're looking for guy who wants to go on shlichus and is frum, you have to learn how to look past the chitzoniyus, not like Mr. #6 says, but rather what is he now and what does he want to do when he settles down and gets married and what type of home does he want to build.
Just because he works doesn't disqualify him/her from not wanting to go on shlichus or wanting a frum home.
This is called being truthful with one's self and what they are really looking for.
If you are going to marry what someone else thinks is good for you but not what is TRULY good for you then you will be miserable and not be happy.
Is the point just to get married??? Or to stay married and build a beautiful home and stay happily married for many years to come?
Be truthful with what you are and what you are looking for and know that there is nothing wrong with being multi-faceted in regards to working and still looking to go on shlichus one day or vice versa, if you're in 770 and looking to have a business or work not in a moisad.
Good luck to all on finding their bashert very very soon!!!