Dear Mrs. Junik,
Maybe you can help me understand this oxymoron. I am a single chassidishe girl looking to get married. However, every so often, when an interesting suggestion is brought up, the shadchan comes back with the same answer: “He doesn’t want to go out with her.”
“Why?” my parents ask.
“Because he thinks she’s too chassidish.”
So, my question to you is – is it a crime to be chassidish? Is it a crime to still be saying chitas when you’re older than 25? Is it a crime to attend farbrengens every so often? Is it a crime for a Lubavitcher girl to be connected to the Rebbe and try to follow in his ways?
I still have quite a few friends not married- and most of them because they are just ‘too chassidish’, and unfortunately, some are less chassidish these days because, let’s just say, ‘the boys market is not looking for chassidish.”
So tell me, Mrs. Junik, what is with (some) bochurim these days and how do we ‘fix’ this picture before it chas v’eshalom gets worse?
Mrs. Sara Junik’s response:
The difficulty you find yourself in, and many others too I am sure, is a problem of definition. The word “chassidish” has somehow lost its original meaning. This is by no means a unique case; other words in the English language have suffered a like fate. Take the word “awful” which today is mostly used to mean “exceptionally bad or displeasing” but it used to mean ” deserving of awe” (14th to 19th century usage). Another example is the word “sophisticated” its meaning is now “having worldly knowledge, refinement and savoir-faire” but it used to mean “corrupted” (17th century). Although the word chassidish is not an English word it has suffered a similar fate.
The actions and Yiras Shamayim once believed necessary to be considered chassidish have now been so diluted as to be unrecognizable. Our standards have lowered themselves so greatly that they cannot be considered standards. This of course is a different discussion for another time and place.
What matters to you is that when you describe yourself you should be specific in your description of yourself. Describe what you do, don’t use a general label. Don’t say you are chassidish but describe what makes you chassidish. Explain that you say Chitas every day, and attend farbrengens etc. Describe what you are looking for in a bocher, that he should not touch his beard, daven with a minyan, have a mashpia … whatever it is that is important to you.
I have personally seen how a girl whose profile says she is chassidish, wears pants “on occasion” and listens to goyshe music, others don’t wear stockings, for example. If that what is considered chassidish today, then of course you are “too chassidish”!
If you detail what you are looking for, you will be offered something closer to what you want. If you describe yourself in more specific terms, the offers you will get will be closer to what you are looking for.
Obviously you have been redt to bochurim that were not interested in what you can offer. Make sure you get redt to the right person by describing yourself accurately and describing what you are looking for accurately. Do this in your profile, resume, talking to friends, shadchonim etc. Tell your parents too. Often, too often, parents don’t look for the right match, because they have an unrealistic or a different view of what their children are or need. There are plenty of truly chassidishe bochrim out there and it is definitely not a crime to be chassidish, but it is a crime how the word is being used.
The Rebbe says one should look for a shidduch like one looks for a lost object. One would surely not describe a lost watch by just saying that it is a woman’s watch. Rather one would say it is gold colored and has a gold face with small stones in the place of the numbers, it is from such and such a company and it has a scratched back.
In the same way be more specific about your level of frumkeit and what you expect of a future spouse.
May you find your zivug speedily and may we hear good news from all those who are looking.
im a 35 yr old older single bochur, never been married, all around nice guy, good learner, i work, looking for a shidduch, i am heimish-hassidishe, open to yeshivish too, if anybody know anything please email me at [email protected]
Finding it difficult to find a chassidish girl. Never heard of someone having a problem with too chassidish. I’d be willing to bet whoever said that was lying about their real reason for not wanting to date you but this sounded to them like a more respectable way of saying no
thank you…im just wondering are you single because we both agree on these issues so maybe we can discuss this further…do you have an email??
[email protected]
Hi,
Both my parents are baalei teshuva, i thought I made it clear that I DO want to marry a baalat teshuva..
Wear stockings, say chitas.. and not ubber chasidish sounds great.. how do I join the droves here and get an email?
whats bal teshuva go to with this? im just a bit confused i am a bal teshuva, not married…in todays day and age r FFB anti getting married to Bal Teshuva’s, or is it their parents that dont want them to marry Bal Teshuva???
i am a bal teshuva for 2 years now…wouldnt sescribe myself as chassidish but i wear stocking and say chitas …im relaxed person..and #142 what is wrong with being a bal teshuva? in todays today are people afraid to marry bal teshuva’s?? or dont their parents want them too?? im not offended would just like to know how it works..
teh fakte is that once u get maride u dont hve time as befor and u go dawn a fuw levels so mor casidh u are you hve mor cahnses to be konektet to teh rebbe slit’e and to hsem’ and so on botem lien it’s like in a hoshe bayis you got to be as wrem as posibel wiel singel to be abel to stey cnektet ‘; blive me i tokink from exprince ” end ”let’s be rede to greet the rebbe melch hmosiach”
Dear Author, I’ve read every comment and have been thinking about this a lot, as a formerly “older girl” who is now B”H a wife and mother. First of all, it’s wonderful that you learn, daven, go to shiurim etc. Please remember that you can do so much of this precisely because you’re single. Before I was married, I davened at least shachris & mincha daily, said Chitas, went to a couple of shiurim a week, etc. And then marriage and children came. Now if I daven normally once a day, fabulous, if I say Tehillim, great. But unusual. Shiurim?… Read more »
in my respected opinion… my view on ch people is that 80% arent chassidish, chassidish starts with the way u look. women married or unmarried wearing tight shirts mini skirts and long seductive shaitels but who say chitas are in the category of chassisdish no, ur wrong. and this is wat most of young crown heights looks like. so b/4 u say theyre rejecting u cuz u say chitas, look at how ur dressed. b/c tznius is so crucial to our generation cuz if the parents already are xtremely modern and momsweraing minis who cares if the child wears pants.… Read more »
It’s really a matter of who’s on the market. Sometimes guys have the same problem the other way around.
lot of comments here
B’h
Mrs Junik what a wonderful answer and may this blog continue to bear fruits Hatzlacha
please don’t take it personal!
this is the whole point, we are all so diff. and hold at diff levels, and for this exact reason we need to describe ourselves better! because for one the 2 may go in the same category, and for another (you) they don’t. And all this just come to prove how we can each interpret chassidish in such diff ways!!!
“describe what makes you chassidish. Explain that you say Chitas every day, and attend farbrengens etc. Describe what you are looking for in a bocher, that he should not touch his beard, daven with a minyan, have a mashpia … whatever it is that is important to you.” why is it that these 3 things are waht makes you chasidush not touching your beard is much more omportant that having a mashpia. to find a mashpia is not a easy thing to do, and i think it is discusting to put that in the same catagory as not touching your… Read more »
wow i see shidduchim are already starting to sprout! too bad im not bal teshuvah, #86 tottally sounds my type!
#139,
I doubt the problem is chalov yisrael per see.. I am a notorious coffee lover (I just gave myself away hehe) and I either opt for soy or byom (bring your own milk.. and yep I get stares)
Yes I do stare longingly at the Starbucks bottled cappuccino’ and warm memory’s of days bygone flood me.. its not a big deal overall.. the problem is where the priority’s lie.. I dont go often to the mikva stam..
u can email your name to [email protected]
Listen, At the end of the day, I believe the problem is the title, ” I am Chasideshe.” Ok, so you say that you are chasideshe but, What happens when you have time off? What do you do when you want to just relax? What does a day of fun mean to you? It is not only enough to be “Chasideshe” I want to know who you are! I don’t care if you say three prakim of Rambam or one, I want to know that when I come home after a hard day at the office, or I come home… Read more »
#137 your so right, I was going to say the same thing.. people see marriage like they do a car.. it’s all about the body and 3 year lease
Reading many of the comments, it seems obvious that you ‘guys’ are youngsters. Take a look at your parents. Have you seen them change, over the years, from ‘chasidish’ to non-c or the opposite? Did your father start learning more? Stop watching as much TV? Does your mother say more tehillim, listen to Jewish tapes (Manis) etc? You are looking at marriage as if it is a 3 year lease, and then time for a trade-in. We ALL change. The way we feel in our early 20’s is NOT how we will see ourselves and the world when we reach… Read more »
# 133, i cud say i made it to as far as the ish comment, and the reason for that is it really cought my eye! i heard that once too and wondered does ish mean chassidush in a polite way, or not so chassidush, like ishy, so in between??? could someone please explain the word ish? and i absolutely agreee people definitely use the word chasidush in the wrong way, just because someone is nerdy doesnt make them chassidush! stop downgrading the word and stop labling people to something that their not!!! we have really lost sight of its… Read more »
Lets go out!
i am 17 years old…and seeing all these issues about shidduchim is concerning…am not at marriageable age but hopefully i wont have to go trough these unfortunate troubles!!
wishing u lots of Hatzlocha….and agree with #22
Dear Writer, A. Please clarify what you mean by chassidish. Calling someone chassidish is a pet peeve of mine. Are they a chossid? Are they striving to fulfill the Rebbe’s Inyanim to the best of their ability? (MInd you- all of the iyanim including derech eretz, tznius, ahavas yisroel etc. not just chitas, farbrengans etc.) Whats with the ish? Is the color yellow or not really so you call it yellowish? B. In my experience in the shidduch scene, there are a few reasons why a boy would not want to go out with you due to reasons of chassidishkeit:… Read more »
in a marriage u r supposed to grow, so if ur wife pushes u to learn a liitle more then GOOD! this gives mixed messages to girls…should we not be too chassidish and take on too many hachlotos because bachurim dont rlly like it?
this should NOT be that way!!
#125, I agree with you , no compromise on frumkeit, and chassidishkeit. Think how you want to raise your children as some wrote. If you want your boys to be learners, it will not happen unless their father is a committed learner himself. If you want your children to follow halacha without compromise, look for someone like that now, and make sure that people know this as his outstanding quality . Don’t accept less. re: #122 “chassidish and normal” aka: Someone who “knows how to have a good time? fun?” Sounds to me like mixed (up) priorities. Not gonna be… Read more »
i think the problem is we are soo caught up on is she/he chassidish enough? does he/she want to go on shlichus? why not go out, see if your personality matches (obbviously within reason of being on about the same level). If you get on well, find each other interesting, fun to be around, atrractive you will figure out these things! we are not marrying jobs, we are marrying people! We are not marrying people to be our rabbis or our congregants… we are marrying people to support us through thick and thin! I think the focus needs to leave… Read more »
Perspectives on all of it changes when you have children- and you think,How do I want the father/mother of my child to be? You are noy simply marrying a girl/boy. They will, G-d Willing be building a life with you.
#86 i realize that wasnt your point, but it is refreshing to hear because there arent alot of “in between” out there
sounds like you’re from afghanistan
Many times my son has rejected a suggestion because the girl was ‘too chasidish’. Dear girl, that means the girl is too good for him. There are frum and chasidish guys out there. Just, not as many as there used to be. (#6 sounds like my son.) When one of our daughters was frummer than our sons, ( typical American bachurim) we were open to Europeans and to B.T.s for her. Some compromise might be necc., but don’t compromise on Frunkeit and chasidishkeit. Good luck.
B”H
I have no clue who you are, but I love your hashkafois and I really hope to meet you one day! M’chayil el choyil!
you are a smart girl
when i think of too chassidish i think of nerdy….. like a bit chinyuky and someone not so worldly… maybe thas what people are being turned off by…people can be chassidish and normal…
IDK, it depends what “type” you’re looking for.
for example, i’m looking for someone, who has yiras shamayim, cares about halacha, minyan, mikvah, learning, doesn’t watch movies, dresses like a chassid, and, at the same time balanced, can have fun, go on vacation, biking, bowling, just chill with his fam,
I think that’s really chassidish, cuz you know how to balance your life.
Let me know if you know such a guy.
what is a real chassidish boy?
let me try to answer from a married guy prospective.
when i married my wife. I loved the fact that my wife, learned chitas, davened or anything else ruchnius. My wife was a withit modern girls as well, so was i.
i dont think learning chitas is too chassidush. maybe what the sahdchin means is that the girl is too nerdy to be blunt.!
i know the perfect girl for you!
in fact, there are sooooo many girls that fit into this category…
chassidish in their behavior, and values, and at the same time, down-to-earth, love having a good time, tlaking about anything..dress nicely,
and im sure you also want some good midos 😉
Good luck! IYH you will find your girl.
(btw, out of curiosity, what do you mean by chasidish? what do you mean by chilled out?)
Excuse me sir, but Seminaries are a great learning expirience for many. Secondly, ‘for the first time’ is a complete generelization of seminaries, girls and families around the world or in your case probably Crown Heights. I must tell you something, I am on shlichus and will IY”H , be going away from home for high school, my sister has already made the move. For people like us it will not be ‘for the first time’ and thirdly, not all these many ‘sem’ girls have this problem. My aunt who is also on shlichus but B”H never had to leave… Read more »
#110 is not an oximoron.
A girl can be chassidish (daven, no movies…) but still open-minded and modern – but not in a bad sense. Fun, can talk about things other than sichos and mamorim….. so #110 dont lose hope
i must say this is one of the most hilarious commend threads I’ve ever seen 🙂
keep it up you made my day
Frankly, I think it can be summed up as follows: Some of us are Lubavitchers, strong in the Rebbe o.b.m.’s inyonim, namely halacha, and chitas, rambam, etc. Others are Newbavitchers, i.e. those raised Lubavitch but haven’t for one reason or another internalized the Rebbe’s inyonim. (A more extreme example is like my neighbor from 10 years ago whose kids were mendel and zalman but as soon as she left CH she took off her head covering and the skirt that she had on over her pants.) For some, a Chassidishe girl is threatening and they don’t want their mommy; they’re… Read more »
Mrs. J did address the problem. You can’t call yourself chassidish because, as my 10th grade English teacher said, it’s a JUDGMENTAL ADJECTIVE. It means different things to different people. I daven, say chitas, am relatively tznuis, and make it a point to learn with a friend at least once a week. However, I am not chassidish (because what chassidishe people are TO ME, I am not). I’d describe myself as frum- except that too is a judgemental adjective. It’s like saying something is a gorgeous (sorry for the stereotype. but it’s simplistic). A guy might use that word for… Read more »
chassidish is absolutely what you do. don’t tell me that it’s enough to say that you FEEL connected to G-d but you don’t keep kosher, pray or keep shabbos.
to 110
get your definitions straight, those two terms are paradoxic!
moshiach now!
#110 oximoron. you mean open minded. chassidishe and chilled out …. two different things. your saying you want a frum bum! but you know what its a good thing you used that ling, i have a shidduch for you
im looking for a girl that will describe herself not just put a black and white label im chassidishe…i want a chassidishe girl but at the same time chilled out
there’s to many comments and every one sounds bored and ridiculous.
chassidish is not what u do but how you feel and act!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
say chitas and shokol during davening on the train wearing mini skirts no socks and short sleeves.
come on get a life. there’s challenges and levels for everyone and for some saying chitas isn’t a big deal so they do it, it doesn’t make them chassidish,!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I like reading through these comments. But I just cud take notice that some people tend to add “ER” at the end of soem words. Seems like only British people do that! (Chassidisher… Gesher…) I mean.. never heard of that version before- looks kind of really weird to me! Oh u english!
Get a proper English education, and then let’s talk.
The most annoying thing in life is a good example. – Mark Twain
(Samuel Clemens)
#97,
Why thank you, but there’s more to that than making a woman happy. Now on the top of the list, i’d like to see kind and considerate in the shiduch quality list.
Oh and to those who always talk about the system and connections, money, gezha etc.. you gotta cut it out.. its sad that parents and kids are worried about these things.. you worry about finding the bashert… whats in the bank, who her parents are, are the last things im interested in.
In the end, any bochur or girl should ask the following questions:
How do I want my children to be raised?
What examples must I set if I want them to be a certain way?
Is this person whom I want to raise my children?
SORRY BUT #6 HAS GOT TO GET A GRIP ON LIFE!
WHAT A STUPID THING TO SAY!!!!
YOU ARE SO OFF!
when you are a bit older (say older than 15) and actually ready to go out someone will enlighten you. For now get yourself back in mesivta.
Sorry , but the lady here is talking the talk.
Most of the Mishigas that they tell you isn’t gonna work.
In Chabad if you are from one of the inner circle,
Original chassidim of one of the Rebbes , shluchim or gvirim you can barter.
It doesn’t matter what kind of a person you are, how hard you try , how honest or how frum you are, if they decide they don’t want to have anything to do with you , or other people are malshining you YOU CAN FORGET IT.
“So it’s all about marketing? What happens the product is not as advertised? This aint Costco….getting a refund won’t be so easy… ”
What the “shadchanim of CHABAD ” are marketing – who knows!
Money+ Gesher+Shliach kid= You can write your own ticket .
Everyone else……… : expect to get anything on 2 feet!!!
or Silence.
Get your self a mentor Somebody who has experience training Bochurim to be married Men Asay Lecha Rav! In the first date you talk about the trees or what ever In the second about Yiras Shamayim, if you do not agree to some higher authority (Shulchan Aruch), how will you ever agree? In the third date you speak about having a family and the way you agree to run your home. (Your ideas will mature after you get married and have to work, but for now, you have to have some idea.) PS Its good to read good books on… Read more »
You the man… that’s the best way to look at it.
you gotta be a little open minded for these days.
that’s just the way people are these days!!
to #86, i like your style. you sound very openminded, chilled, and down to earth but still religious, you wil make a girl very happy. #91, i have never dated in the past, but speaking from siblings experience and worldly influences, the first 2 or three dates, your trying to get to know eachother, even though your frum, like the outside world, you are still human beings, your not going on a chavrusa hunt when your dating, so make sure your pesonalitys mesh well. once you have a foundation and feel like you know eachother, perferabely the 4th or 5th… Read more »
#87,
i’m still single, cant say i’m looking.. I havent really dated and the mild forays into the wilderness of dating left me turned off.
If only people can be more open and direct in life.. ask someone what they want in life, what is important to them, what they will stand up for, fight for.. and if need be die for…
As Rabbi Akiva said: everything is ahavas yisrael, the rest is all perush..
Watching movies in not a frume thing (at all)!! not dressing with tznius is not a frume thing (ITS AGAINST SHULCHAN ARUCH. I.E. G-DS WILL AS IS EATING PORK)!! trimming your beard is AGAINST shulchan aruch (thats what the Tzemach Tzedek says, and if you don’t follow his instructions why do you call yourself lubavitch?? think about it. the T”T says that shortening your beard in any way is the same as using a razor, ASUR MIN HATRORAH!!!) So yes, if you do any of these thing, R”L, you are not frum. sorry. I didn’t mean to say it so… Read more »
i think the answer to the girls question is simple as stated before, if your more chassidush then him, you are not a match. why would he want a rebbetzin at his toes, you obviosly need someone with the same chassidush values as you, if you want your marraige to work. i do think however that there is a mislabling with chassidush and not chassidush these days. this is how it i see it, nowadays even if someone does not act chassidush in the slightest, but is not cool they are labled chassidush, and vise versa. this is obviosly rediculous… Read more »
#89, According to the Tzemach Tzedek, any removal of the beard is an issue deoraisah, but if I remember correctly only trimming was d’rabonon (still assur, though – like drinking milk together with your salami sandwitch). #56, the reason that people were shocked about the Cholov Yisroel is that they weren’t aware of it (I was disturbed as well). Trimming is an embarrassment that the bochur wears openly on his face. What he eats is private, so those who are melamed zchus won’t be choshed that people are so low. Unfortunately, given what has been brought into my young nephew’s… Read more »
me, om a reg guy, om not the frumest so a lot of wat i no is from the goyshe wrld.
wat r the proper things 2 talk abt on a date w/ a grl?
in the goyshe wrld ur asking abt her hobbies, interests etc.
wat is the proper way on a frum date?
wat questions do u ask? wat do we talk abt?
Don’t read: too Chassidish,’ read ‘too pious, too religious.’
Probably the best type of mother there could be.
Guys, GET A BRAIN!
i had an idea that the lubavitchsingles.com list should be categorized by age, location, profession etc. so it’ll be easier for parents and singles to navigate the list.
maybe that each single can write a 3 line summary of what they are looking for also.
Please learn some halachah before posting. The only issu deorita in taking off ones beard is if one does so with a razor! One could not possibly TRIM in such a manner, ergo, no dorita.
It was a crime for my daughter to be too Chassidish in 8th grade when her “friend” from the “best” family humiliated her because she wouldn’t go to a sleepover when they were going to watch goyishe movies. So I totally understand what this young lady means. I agree with Mrs. Junik: as far as I can see, the word “Chassidishe” now equals “frum.” If you ARE makpid on CY, you don’t watch movies or go stockingless & don’t want a guy who trims… you are frum. That is perhaps the biggest shanda, the fact that people with standards are… Read more »
It’s all from the heart. If the girl is sincere and cool so be it. That is Chabad.
If the girl is very chassidish and not so sincere, so be it.
That is Chabad.
We’re all one big family.
Now # 86 are you still looking? Can I give you my email ?
Mother if a daughter.
I wasent going to reply till I saw the comments..
If you ask me, many are looking at thwe wrong avenues.. i’m an ffb that fried out, now i’m frum but not chasidish crazy.. I would want to marry a BT.
You need to conclude that blanket labeling does no good.. regardless of the guys out there, your looking for one guy.
I watch movies, but a girl that wears stockings is my type of lady
and that’s what people think of you when they hear ‘chassidish’.
(this is # 73 again)
I agree with #75, without the fragile part, cause I don’t think all men have such low self esteem and all that, but they do want a good loking wife etc, and they WILL get that, but they won’t have to discuss her size and length of her nose while dating, let them do that after they’re married and he still isn’t sure he has seen it all from close by!
just need to take a chill pill……..
I am a girl, and i have been through the system. I went to a great HS and a great sem. No, i did not come out of sem “semmed out” because i did not think the point of a girl(-to be come a woman) is to live in atzilus. I consider my self chassidish in the sense that i daven, try to say my chitas, learn once in a while, dress tznius( and at the same time in a presentable, stylish way) and build my connection to the Rebbe. Why should a girl, who feels and knows it’s right… Read more »
“well i’m chasidish and have no interest in a chasidisher girl. whats wrong with that?”
Thats a major part of the problem. There are many guys who are known to be “great bochurim” and are saying no to “great girls” because they dont want chassidish girls, but they give off the impression that they do.
the problem is not the seminary, its the girl. Any 17 – 19 yr old girl who goes off to seminry and doesnt yet know who she is, where she stands, what she wants to get out of seminary and where she wants to go in life, is the one with the issue. come on… where have you been for the past 18 yrs of your life that you’re jus gonna go away and get “brainwashed’?!!! What wre you doing during highshool? sleeping? i hope by the time a girl graduates she know herself and what she wants… then seminary… Read more »
That’s funny, cuz I COMPLETELY agree with #61 – and I’m a girl!!!! (and considered a very chassidish one at that)
Like #62 said – a girl is supposed to be a girl, not a bochur.
And #69 – dont get picky on the words… in today’s lingo, girl = not married, woman = married, regardless of age. it’s not discrimination or anything of the sort, its just an easier way to figure out who you’re talking about.
After all of these comments, im just wondering if the person that I’m looking for is even exists? Is it possible that a boy is normal chassidish…. MEANING good middos, loves yiddishkeit and the rebbe and acts like a frum jew but is still open minded MEANING knows how to have fun in life not only thru learning, doesnt think that talking about anything other then torah is not good and doesnt want to go on shlichus. Is there no middle path??
#6 – I must say, you have a point and it is not a crime to mention some things people do. At least, if you are honest, you marry someone who is actually a match for you
#61 – interesting thought, sexist or not but i actually agree and i am a girl
Please don’t confuse cholov stam and cholov akum. Furthermore, none of you get to judge anyone, so get over it!
I think everyone is missing the point. When a boy says a girl is too chassidish (or vice versa), I think they are basically feeling threatened that they may have to have more hidurim in their lives than they were planning on……the bochur perhaps see a girl dressed very tzniusly and maybe they would like to see the girl dressed in a more modern fashion etc. So they label her “too chassidish”. In reality it has nothing to do with whether she says Chitas or goes to farbrengens. It has to do with an image the person builds up in… Read more »
wanna a great shidduch, wanna great sholombayis
sure u do! well stop commenting start learning doing helping smiling davening giving
I don’t think 61 and 62 are being sexist. They are saying it the way it is. Even a chassidshe bochur, wants to marry a girl who acts like a girl. not one who acts like a bochur. This girl needs to reassure propective shidduchim that even though she does a lot of chassidishe things, like chitas, Rambam etc. in essence she is still a girl. She will smile at him (boost his fragile male ego) take care of him (give him the TLC that his mother didnt’ give him enough of) she will share her insecurities with him (let… Read more »
because I: daven 3x a day, say chitas and sefer hamitzvos, write to the rebbe, and of course I wear skirts that cover my knees at all times, I don’t wear tight clothes and I don’t watch movies. I want my chassidishe husband to learn rambam chitas and even more than that, to wear white shirts, black yarmulkas and have a full beard. And a normal frame if he wears glasses, not the latest style! @ my age unfortunately there aren’t many chassidishe bochrim left. those whom the shadchonim call chassidish don’t want to date me because eventhough I’m good… Read more »
okay now your really looking to analize. Yes “girls” marry “boys” Woman just sounds old. I am married a number of years and still consider myself a girl. I guess I still want to be young. Maturity is your personality not how you label yourself. Grow up!
Whilst #61 is being sexist and slightly chauvinistic, and feeding a stereotype, on the flip-side he does have a point . When a guy gets married, he wants a wife (I guess this has different connotations for different people) , and not just another chavrusa. I’m not saying that women shouldn’t be educated or learned, I’m the last person to say that. I’m just saying that people may be put off by a girl that is a little too like a bochur, and I for one could understand why. Personally I prefer other types of learning, so I don’t think… Read more »
#6 I am relieved to hear you keep cholov yisroel but im sorry any boy that is looking for a lubavitcher girl even a modern lubavitcher girl, I would think that is unacceptable. I hope that he would be honest with her on the dates about it…. there prob wont be another date, hes more looking for a modern orthodox girl. I mean thats a really unnessecary taiva. considering all the C”Y milchig products out there.
I can’t help but wondering if one of the problems is in the first line of her letter where she describes herself as a “girl.” Girls do not get married and raise families, adults do. She is a young woman, not a girl, and should describe herself as a woman and show that she is mature and ready to get married.
you are sexist
28 funny as anything with the stud stuff !
58 I for sure agree with you all the way and i think it is b/c with cholov yisroel {especially in NY} you can have everything you want with out crossing the line
EXCUSE ME! I TOTALLY disagree!
if everyone would so kindly look in hayom yom-i cant rember which one specificly- but if you look and see what every single on of the rabbeim called ‘a true chossid’ or ‘the whole avodah of a chosid’ or anything like that, from what i understand, the only thing that makes someone chassidish in its true meaning-is solely ahavas yisrael and yiras shamayim! everything else is secondary and just being mekusher to the rebbe! another point- a chossid has to be well rounded in all learning things-also from hayom yom- and if your not and you just talk, is that… Read more »
Forget the fact that drinking NON Cholov Yisrael, is destruction of the soul, but specifically in Crown Heights-one must go out of their way to have it…I mean think about it, to get to Starbucks is a committed walk or inconvenient car ride… MAN, that is purely a TEIYVA!!!!
PPL get it together!
being frum is cool is a way to raise our kids. Its all in the parents, they have to understand their kids, not expect them to be just like from their times, but yet help them have good self esteem and the fathers have to LEARN (if they don’t know, which alot of people don’t) how to relate to their sons to help them be proud of having a girl who says Chitas and has a living and growing desire to be a proud Jew.
I can understand that some boys may get a little nervous from a girl that is too chassidish, bordering on bochur. They want to marry a girl, not another bochur.
And to the seminary basher: the woman creates the atmosphere in the home, some chassidishkeit is necessary.
My personal opinion is when a girl learns Chitas and Rambam all day and keeps on learning Sichos – I will NOT marry her! This is the domain of a Boucher – not a girl.
Striving to be close to Hashem will only bring Brachos into your life and bring you closer to your ultimate soulmate –in the right time. I once learnt that the more you grow in Yiddishkeit it effects the Neshama of your Zivug and draws him spiritually higher to match you. It doesn’t matter how many non-“chassidish” boys there are out there (i.e. who don’t want a “chassidishe” girl)– a reflection of Yeridos HaDoros– obviously these ones are not for you–there still are still many” Chassidishe” boys who would look at your efforts in Avodas Hashem not only as positive but… Read more »
I think #6 hit a good point, but there is another side to the story here. What kind of boy comes up that is interesting to you? It could be that you are not interested in boys who are Chassidish based on some criteria that excludes them (they only wear white shirts, they want to go on Shlichus, they don’t have a job, they want to learn in Kollel). Also, lets face it men are like parking spaces, the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped. If you are looking for a bochur when you are 25, those… Read more »
I may watch tv or a movie once in a while but even “considering” or having an iota of a thought to g-d forbid eat anything other than cholov yisroel?? NEVER EVER!
I’m hoping 99.9999999% of Lubavitchers agree with me.
Short Answer:
When you get in contact with Shadchanim, tell them to only pick boys that are interested in marrying a chassidish girl. That way there wont be so many disappointment when the boy doesnt want you. Yes, there will be less boys but it will make you happier that you arent considering boys and then they say that you are too chassidish.
Why are there so many comments about cholov akum? is trimming your beard ok? last i checked its an issur doreisa and cholov stam is a machlokes cholov akum is forsure out but in todays day and age almot all milk in america is chalov stam and thats not so bad. any way i wanted to know how many people that wrote comments against cholov stam say krias shema in the morning before the zeman, b/c that is also a doreisa! why is it that we always remeber that cholov akum is metamtem but if you trim your beared and… Read more »
Yes, very articulate, and to the point… But to throw Chalav Yisroel under the bus, that’s a shocker. And perhaps the reason why the “guys” today are so messed up, has more to do with upbringing, Yeshiva’s they attended, things they spend their time watching etc.
Maybe I have no right to give advice, as a married person, but I think ppl should be a little more flexible when considering a shidduch, by trying to look at someone as a whole person, taking the different aspects of a person into account, and when going out, also givng the person a chance, you don’t have to be “twins”, perhaps you will find you will agree on more than you thought, perhaps this takes time to develop, maybe the dating for a few weeks works for ppl who have an instant connection or are exactly what the pther’s… Read more »
cholov yisroe???l!!
oi na lanu meh hayah lanu!!!
Meilah the beard, you gotta look like a stud. Meilah the movies, you have to find out how to look like a stud.
But cholov akum? From where does a yetzer hara for such a thing arise? I love you like a brother, MR. #6, but, like, what is going on?????!
May Hashem bless you with a fine shidduch and many chidlren and grandchildren with which to eat many pints of cholov yisroel Leben.
You hit it on the nail! LOL
I completely disagree with you, I am a seminary girl currently typing this from Israel and I think that this year is a year that every girl must have the privilege to experience. Many of us have never spent a year away from home and its necessary to spend this year away from home to learn how to live away from the comforts of home. It is a jelling year that helps us come into the mothers that we will iyH become. Any girl that will pass up this opportunity is doing a disservice to herself and future family, About… Read more »
every farbrengen the rebbe would mention to learn chitas
& get other people to learn
GO FOR IT!
Having lived out of Crown Heights for a number of years – in Jerusalem – and loving it, I can tell you that there is much more to life than what you see with your myopic vision from your perch in CH. I loved living in CH, but there is so much more to life than your view of being “Chassidish”. What are you going to give the world? What benefit will you give your spouse, your children, your community, your city, and the world around you? Who are you? Are you a chitas woman or are you a vibrant… Read more »
I am very sorry to have to break it to you but being “on the market” is NOT a pr stunt!!!this is one of the big problems with the shidduch scene today.Stop putting on a show and just be yourself you dont “have”to open doors for people,you dont “have”to try to be extra attentive.Let the person you are come out and if its is your soulmate it is a soul connecting,not buying a product.It really angers me when i hear things like this going on.If someone is open and ready for marriage and have a positive outlook on having a… Read more »
learning smicha in motown “(he had a case where a woman asked him, she had tea leaves to add flavor to a cake, which she later found milk ingredient in that particular tea – {and the hashgocha confirmed that it was Cholov Akum}, and it was dependent on if there was 60 against it..) ” very interesting it depends whether or not theres a hefsed meruba if you say chanan by lach B’lach if you’ll need 60 against the whole tea or just the milk ingrediant in the tea. Anyways theres an alter rebbe that says anything used as an… Read more »
I’m married to a chassidish girl believe me I started out saying 3 prakin rambam but the she became super-chassidish so she made me start saying 6 prakim……….. Stam maybe that’s what guys are afraid of that ull cramp their style. Just put it out the word out that ur only middle chassidish. Good luck
he sholud say “he is not enough chasidish for her”.
shadchans dont know how to talk!!!!!!!!!
Why is there a problom with saying chitas every lubav should and if you cant get mareid to somone that says it
the real issue is lubavitch seminaries! A girl goes away from her home for the first time and these seminaries just throw chassidishkiet down their throats and the girls kind od just go with the flow and act like (chassidish) weirdos which entails not caring about the way you look and trying to prove that girl can be chassidish like bochrim. The only thing a girl needs to learn is how to run a frum household dont worry about anything else guys will take care of the rest and do yourself a favor save your parents 20 thousand dollars and… Read more »
You may call this naive, but as a young bochur – i knew that Cholov Akum was “taboo” in Lubavitch, AND as a previous commenter wrote, it’s metamtem ha’moach.. but I didn’t know more. In Semicha, our esteemed Rosh-Semicha gave a practical HALACHA example, that quite clearly demonstrates that for us (and anyone else who consumes only Cholov Yisroel) – it is CLEARLY listed in the severe category of “Shaar Issurim”, and thus must be botel b’shishim.. (he had a case where a woman asked him, she had tea leaves to add flavor to a cake, which she later found… Read more »
How about the fact that the world has changed, people have changed, Lubavitch has changed….
and maybe that includes people being more complex, or maybe some people want to call it confused. Whatever…..
… Say what you want., but either way………….
God can do whatever he’d like, and make whatever shidduchim whenever. So I respectfully ask, please do.
(Fine, fine, I admit it…..I yell it too)
All we can do is our best.
And for some reason I think most people are doing that already.
hey im considered chasidish and i dont even do chitas or go to a farbrengens…..rather its the people i hang around that make this reflection.
If an answer comes back that “you are too Chassidish” then obviously the Bochur is just not for you! No crime here, just a simple case of a mismatch! I don’t understand why such a “problem” has been brought up…
Bottom line is no one will make your shidduch for you you gotta do it yourself since no one knows what you’re looking for as well as you do. I think Mrs Junik gave a nice speech there but had nothing to do with the question posed but the Bochur was straight to the point. Throughout your life you have been told and taught by your teachers that the more chassidish that you are the better shidduch you will get. It sounds like you have reached the age where you are realizing that the reality is not all that you… Read more »
I Can really relate to #6!
and ask Sideny for a brocho
Everything is in Hashem’s hands, as our Rebbe told me
the only thing that we can control (in our hands) is our learning and mitzvahs. We do our part and let Hashem worrry about His part. ” direct quote from our Rebbe”
I’m just trying to help so if you disagree with me please do so respectfully.
P.S. It happens to be that I personally only eat chalav Yisroel, I was just trying to bring an example of things guys may do right now even though they know it may be wrong.
In my personal proffesional opinion, we aren’t seeing the entire picture here. I don’t believe that a boy will reject a girl soely on the belief that she is too chasidish. Generally, when a boy looks into a shidduch, he does extensive research into all aspects of the shiduch process i.e. looks, background, temperment, and chasidishkeit. Now, unless the girl is really hardcore chasidish, boys will not have a problem if she days chitas or goes to farbrengins. So the way I see it, the idea that a girl is too chasidish is only an excuse and is really based… Read more »
well i’m chasidish and have no interest in a chasidisher girl. whats wrong with that?
Lady, if someone doesnt want to marry you because you are “too chassidish” then you sure dont want to marry them. Picture bringing up your kids.
You want them to go to shul, he thinks its to chassidish.
You want them to learn chitas, he thinks its too chassidish
You want them not to learn English…
You get the point!
Move on and may the aibeshter bless you that you should marry a guy who appreciates you for you chitas learning abilities!
#6 never learnt the basic difference between cholov yisroel and cholov akum!! he just knows that the snags eat it so why should he be more stringent than them?? if he brazenly writes that he is lenient in cholov yisroel and is ready to degrade it… im sure he is lenient with….
Religious values should not even be brought up to a shadchan. If someone is bashert for another, it does not matter if they are on the same level of observance, as long as they agree on basics, like taharas hamishpacha.
oi na lanu meh hayah lanu!!!
Meilah the beard, you gotta look like a stud. Meilah the movies, you have to find out how to look like a stud.
But cholov akum? From where does a yetzer hara for such a thing arise? I love you like a brother, MR. #6, but, like, “what is going on?????!
May Hashem bless you with a fine shidduch and many chidlren and grandchildren with which to eat many pints of cholov yisroel Leben.”
funniest comment i have ever seen in my life it makes me laugh
but i agree
To the author: Perhaps the problem here is that people today solely identify themselves by “chassidish’ or “modern”. Are you just “chassidish”??? Is that all? what else are you? do you like to have a good time? do you enjoy spending time with your family? do you like to do community work? what other definitions can you give yourself? “Being Chassidish” is not enough to tell about yourself. If that’s your only claim to fame & identity then you are a person who is living in a bubble & lacks the ability to bridge normal life with chassidishkeit. Take a… Read more »
the problem is that many define “chasidish” means saying chitas..farbing..panim…ohel…hiskashris…but then your a snob!! horrible midos!!! feel holier than your fellow jew!! so guess what? your REALY NOT chasidish! just a CHNUK with a bunch of lip service! become a better person and maybe you will become chasidish…for REAL!
Sometimes it seems to me that people come on these comment threads just to vent and blare out their skepticism. Anyone with the least bit of sense can see that Mrs. Junik clearly sounds like someone who is well in tune with the trends of todays dating scene. She has clearly addressed the questioner’s main issue, as well as given her practical viable down-to-earth, advice that she could put to good use to improve her current situation. After all, if the questioner didn’t want her opinion, she wouldn’t have asked in the first place. Regarding the authors final question: There… Read more »
hey, i have the opposite problem, people define me as too “chilled”
maybe i should write my own article
BE HAPPY BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT FOR YOU.
KEEP LOOKING, DAVEN AT SHOMEA TFILOH AT LEAST 3 TIMES A DAY WITH KAVONE AND KNOW THAT HASHEM ALWAYS LISTENS. HAVE BITACHON IT WILL COME VERY SOON BE SHOO TOVAH.
its unfortunate that the “not chassidish” things you do are only considered “not chassidish” as a lubavitcher chassid eating chalav stam is just like “TREIF” the only heter that was given for it was by Rav moshe feinstien to people who would other wise not have what to eat, THEY AND ONLY THEY, did he say can eat it, but unfortunately it was totally taken out of context by the misnagdim, and those that call themselves lubavitchers as well. it is a sin to bear the Rebbe’s name and shamelessly eat what he absolutely did not agree with! But of… Read more »
I’m impressed…Great vocabulary and you got straight to the point.
So it’s all about marketing? What happens the product is not as advertised? This aint Costco….getting a refund won’t be so easy…
I frequently get set up with GUYS who are way too “chassidish” for me. I agree with #6…it’s all about wanting to be comfortable in the home you eventually set up for yourself. For example, I’m the type of gal who is quite frum (strict about kashrus, tznius etc) that also grew up watching TV and listening to all kinds of music and I plan on continuing my life that way. The fact that I keep getting set up on dates with bochurim who have never even seen a TV set is somewhat frustrating. Of course, TV is not at… Read more »
oi na lanu meh hayah lanu!!!
Meilah the beard, you gotta look like a stud. Meilah the movies, you have to find out how to look like a stud.
But cholov akum? From where does a yetzer hara for such a thing arise? I love you like a brother, MR. #6, but, like, what is going on?????!
May Hashem bless you with a fine shidduch and many chidlren and grandchildren with which to eat many pints of cholov yisroel Leben.
the bochurs answer makes sense
since when did saying chitas and going to farbrengens make someone chassidish??? plenty of fry people go to farbrengens and say some chitas, and i know plenty of people who say chitas and go to farbrengens and have boyfriends…the word chassidish means NOTHING!
Its called human nature. When you tell people you are x they are going to think x as they define x.
The term Chasidish is very loose. There is a difference between a real frum, true person with yiras shomayim and someone in the clouds. Many people associative chasidish with the latter.
I am looking for a girl that says chitas.
Maybe will meet.
You never everl know.
Could it be that you are being described more as “chnyucked” instead of “Chassidish”?
u wanna b lenient with chalav yisrael? well happy looking forward to kids with “farshtopteh kep”
I pray that this young lady finds her Beshert very soon.
We would like to send her a wedding gift at the appropriate time
Its sad how the whole shidduch seen is one big game, maybe I’ll find my own shidduch. It makes me sick
I really appreciate someone who can say it the way it is… Kudos
not a good responce
I guess I’m one of those Bochurim who wouldn’t go out with a girl that is “too Chassidish” so let me explain my perspective and hopefully that will be of some help to you. I would assume that the reason why you are not going out with guys who wanna marry a very chassidish girl is because you may be a little more relaxed. you may dress a bit modern, you dont necessarily wanna go on shlichus, some of your close friends are not very chassidsh….. so your name gets brought up to guys on the more modern side, the… Read more »
nice answer there! I liked it!
This is a wonderful answer but it doesnt seem to answer the question that was asked.
the title does not give the same message as the article – in other words the title says that there is a major problem with people not wanting “chasidish”, but the article, in the answer explains that this is NOT a problem, s/he just has to be more specific with what s/he is looking for .
there is nothing wrong with you. the shadchanim are setting you up with the wrong people.
P.S i am looking for a mashpia are you available?
That was the most obvious and stupid answer ever to that question! Like the girl couldn’t have come up with that answer by herself? I think the girl’s question was more rhetorical than asking for Mrs Junik’s advice. She was asking a question about the general downward spiral that ” Chasidishkeit” has experienced over the past decade or so, and also about what does it mean to be called by that moniker in this day and age. I would like to know what are Mrs Junik’s qualifications that give her the right to be dispensing advice to people going through… Read more »