Dec 28, 2009
Her Parents Rejected Us
Shidduchim SOS: We heard about this nice girl that friends say will match our son. But her parents rejected the offer. What now?
We are parents to a very good bochur who is at shidduch age: a masmid, goes on mivtzoim, has manners and is responsible and clean.
We get many offers and look through them all. Recently we heard about a very nice girl from Crown Heights who, according to her family members and friends, would match our son.
The thing is that her parents said no. Is there anything we can do? How do we go about it? We really want her for him.
Mrs. Sarah Junik's answer:
First of all let me wish you hatzlacha rabo in your search, may you find his zivug in a "sha'a tova umutzlachas".
I cannot answer specifically, as I need more details which, I understand, you would be loath to publish in a public forum, but I can address the subject in general.
It helps to know when and how the rejection took place. Depending whether the rejection was at the very first stages of the shidduch, or further along, possibly after a meeting, one would put more or less effort to change the "no" to a "maybe".
A common possibility is when we have researched a name that sounded promising (a name that was suggested a by various individuals, as mentioned in the letter above) but when our information was presented to the other side, we were told that they said no, the shidduch was not for them.
We should understand that when a shidduch is rejected without a satisfactory reason we feel hurt for the rejection and at a loss for how to fix it. We feel that if only we knew what the objection was, we could explain it away or prevent this from happening again.
What we should feel though is that this was not the right time, or maybe -even though so many people suggested it – this was not the "Bashert" that we were looking for.
If it was the right time or the right person then surely it would have come about.
Hashgacha Protis in shidduchim is blatant. When things have to happen they do. It does not matter if, like in the stories we hear, a neighbor gives bad reports, or a brother keeps rejecting suggestions. When the right one comes, the neighbor will be out of town and the brother unreachable.
That is why many people are happier when a "no" comes from the other side and not from them. They are happy not to take the achrayus of having rejected a potential zivug, and they know that if it is the right one after all, the Aibishter will bring it about at the right time in His own way.
On the other hand the family who is doing the rejecting does not have to give a reason for not following through on a suggestion. Whatever their reason may be, it is their choice to accept or reject a shidduch (hopefully well thought out and not for frivolous reasons).
In the case described in the letter, being that family members seem to be involved, maybe a relative could approach the parents of the girl and call attention to what a good suggestion this really is, how they personally know the boy etc. They could explain all the reasons why these two are a match, i.e. same goals, compatible characters, midos etc. If this does not work, then it is better to look elsewhere. B"H there are a lot of exceptional girls in Lubavitch.
May we hear good news soon from you and from all the other "I" that are looking for an "us."