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Sep 3, 2009
We All Know Someone
Op-Ed: With all these nice and dandy articles, we still have a 'Shidduch Crisis.' Therefore, I would like to present to you a simple solution, one that you might have heard of countless times... Today you can find scattered across all major Jewish newspapers and websites the famous phrase "Shidduch Crisis."
Some speak about how this crisis is all the Shadchanim's fault: they take forever to get back to someone and they are only in it for the money.
Some discuss how it's all the girls' fault: if girls would just take better care of themselves (lose weight and wear a size 2, dress well etc.) then there would be more matches.
Others speak about the fact that bochurim are just too picky, can't make up their mind or can't commit.
And some even go further and blame G-d, by saying that there are more girls in the world than boys so the shidduch crisis is unavoidable.
But with all these nice and dandy articles, we still have a 'Shidduch Crisis.'
Therefore, I would like to present to you a simple solution, one that you might have heard of countless times. Nevertheless, one very much worth mentioning again.
What is it, you ask?
For starters you'll need a caring heart and 5 minutes a day.
If you fit the criteria then read on.
After you log off COLlive, sit down with your husband/wife/sister/brother or cousin/friend and name single girls and boys you both know - and let the matches begin.
If you are single, match up your friends with people you went out with. If you are newlywed, then sit down with your new spouse and match up your friends, and if you are a parent and a name that comes your way doesn't fit - pass it on.
Imagine how many shidduchim would happen if we would all do this? After all, everybody knows someone who knows someone.
- A single 20-something-year-old shadchan
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Anyway it is a hashkafa crisis not a shidduch crisis.
And G-d cannot be th fault. Rabbenu Gershom - maybe.
The emotivity on display a few days ago about a kallah and makeup - just another view on the hashkafa crisis. Hardly anyone could accept that there may be girls who are confident enough in their natural looks. Almost everyone felt that a kallah needs not-even-skin-deep enhancements. For herself. Or - Maybe for...
A girl who needs makeup tp look good may also need x number of clothes in y styles. Oh, and polished wooden floors, carpet won't do. So go find a shidduch for such complex expectation in life.
It's the Hashkafa, Stupid.
Its a great feeling!
Perfectly true
Check it out on wiki at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by_sex_ratio
when a certain name has come to the girl, 13 times, yes the same name THIRTEEN TIMES from 13 different people, WHY is the mother of the boy still saying NO!?!?!?!?
shall I name the motherswho will not let their son go out with a perfectly respectible suggestion? i can if you want.
#11 obviosly someone close to you was turned down (sounds like your daughter) that is one story. How many girls turn down boys for no good reason? I was turned down by a girl a few years ago and I still don't know why, so there you go. You know what, I'm now happily married B"H.
Listen a Bas Kol goes out before you are born that says Bas Ploni Liploni, it's all set out for you, you just need to find it.
#12 If there is a Hashkafa Crisis (it's no "IF" - there is, not only in our circles) then all the friends and the king's men cannot put this "humpty-dumpty" together.. It's too simplistic to say that no-one is making the appropriate suggestions - so let's fix that. The wheels are stuck in the mud - expecting a bypasser to give directions (or by using a GPS thingo) doesn't fix that.
#11. You don't want your daughter to have this lady as a shviger. Be happy and make a brocho SheOsso Li Ness.
#10. Good news. The problem is hereby officially identified for you. It's the Hashkafa. The bad news is that someone who doesn't see that point (as you imply on yourself - no insult intended here, just a brief "wake-up" call) is self-identifying themselves with the malady.
#7 Yes. The Hashkafa crisis is in the parents behavior also. How do you expect intelligent kids to be blind to the hypocrisy that is so much part of what is the "official" Lubavitcheh Hashkafa (spun by the over-fed mashpiyim in the yeshivos, and the "over-dressed" (or primmed) mashpiyos in the girls schools. Pardon me, but they are primarily "protectors of their own turf" and power. Those with a creative spirit, who do not toe an ideological absolutism that engulfs Chabad today - well they have all checked out or withdrawn into cocoons. Why be shouted down and scorned by drunken peasants with an ideological (and/or political) agenda?
#6. "very few are caring enough..." It is difficult to beli#13 [and #8] "Bas Ployni to..." That was before Rabbenu Gershom and there were often more than 1 or even 2 Bas ployis. [Death at childbirth covered the statistical imbalance for centuries...An extremely high proportion of men remarried...]
#12 If there is a Hashkafa Crisis (it's no "IF" - there is, not only in our circles) then all the friends and the king's men cannot put this "humpty-dumpty" together.. It's too simplistic to say that no-one is making the appropriate suggestions - so let's fix that.
#11. You don;'t want your daughter to have this lady as a shviger.
#10. The problem is hereby officially identified. It's the Hashkafa. The bad new is that someone who doesn't see that (as you imply on yourself - no insult intended here, just a brief "wake-up" call) is self-identifying themselves with the malady.
#7 Yes. The Hashkafa crisis is in the parents backyard also. How do you expect intelligent kids to be blind to the hypocrisy that is so much part of what is the "official" Lubavitcheh Hashkafa (spun by the over-fed mashpiyim in the yeshivos, and the "over-dressed" (or primmed) mashpiyos in the girls schools. Pardon me, but they are primarily protectors of their own turf and power. Those with a creative spirit, who do not toe an ideological absolutism that engulf Chabad today - well they have all checked out or withdrawn into cocoons. Why be shouted down and scorned by drunken peasants with an ideological agenda.
#6. "very few are caring enough..." It is difficult to beleive this to be true. Perhaps you should consider that this is part of the Hashkafa crisis: Marriage is not a means to an end (bayis beYisroel); It is a destination once reached, that strokes the ego of a megushamdike life (sweet as a honey-moon. Feh.) This self absorption, even with "getting together" with other couples (most often in itself a highly hefkerdike hanhaga, which can/has led to marriage problems) creates a cocoon of a geshmakeh leben in the peltz that used to be reserved for the introverted tzaddilk.
#4. Well said but could you please stop talking about "dating". Where the in the world does that word come from. The Tur, The Beis Yosef, Rashi, Rabbenu Tam? It is goyish and implies goyish and leave it for Flatbush. We need to eradicate that word from the "Shidduch Scene." You "meet" NOT you "date"! The Rebbe always stressed "Shmoh Milsa" - a name has significance.
at least this person is doing something and means well,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING ABOUT IT??????????????
It cuts both ways....the chemistry mix has got to be appealing. For some, it's appearances, for others it's a certain Chassidish standard, not withstanding that even the term Chassidish is objective...e.g. how long is a piece of string?
So, dear ladies, tell me...would you suggest that in order to be classified as proper Chassidish a young man might have to settle for a klotz, a Jappy klotz noch with two left hands, who whimpers to mommy about every little nareshkait? These days, even a Chassidish guy wants a certain type of girl, unlike the Chassidim of yesteryear who couldn't have given a darn about appearances, about being slothly...who didn't mind if the wife was a useless balabosta as long as she could produce an offspring once a year.
Nishtana Itim!!!
For 99% of people.
does this exist?
"Those with a creative spirit, who do not toe an ideological absolutism that engulfs Chabad today - well they have all checked out or withdrawn into cocoons. Why be shouted down and scorned by drunken peasants with an ideological (and/or political) agenda?"
Do you not have a passion of your own that you will simply follow his?
io dont know about u, but if i was married to someone who just used me as a tool for children i'd be pretty unhappy.
girls want credit for their personality, looks, and in general for what makes them different from someone else?
when a girl asks their spouse what they find in her when they wanted to get married, do you think she wants hiim to say, "see in you? i was desperate for some kids so i just picked the first girl who i went out with... and ur lucky it was you!!"
come on...
The term "cancelled out" is your own term - coined in haste in reading.
It is simple: How many names did the Malach call out for Yaakov Ovinu?
But the tone of your letter indicates why you particularly would have taken offense.
Oh. BTW. What have I done about shidduchim? You seem so confident that I haven't. Hmmm... I have probably done considerably more than the years you have been in Olam Hazeh. And I never take money.
who said height is more important than his job?
but to me i want someone taller. (not asking for any other physical requirement- ontly height)
that a problem?
At this point, my single children are boys. Sometimes the same name will come up several times as different shadchanim will try the names that they have on their list. It is not always the mother who decides but sometimes the bocher itself objects to something so the mother does not want to push him to consider it. Sometimes it is the mother who decides because in our circles, much of the work of finding a shidduch for a son falls on the mother. My husband is not going to call young girls to ask them about their friends. When our daughters were looking though, he made the calls to bochrim about their friends. Often it was his impressions that led to the decision to "meet" (see #16).
To #16 regarding the term "dating": You are correct and it is better to say "going out" however, today when singles go to bowling alleys and game arcades together in order to know each other better, that is a date rather than a meeting. Years ago, meetings took place in the home with the parents present, like they still do today among the other chassidim. It sure would be cheaper if that were still the case! The cost of "going out" today is enormous.
smtihchaya@yahoo.com
Does Hashem not know about Rabainu Gershom C"V?
Or maybe because of the Cherem Hashem does not run the world anymore C"V?
Please think about what you are saying BEFORE you say it. Thank you
On a side note, don't ya wish people would spend more time IMPLEMENTING some of the good advice and occasional pearls of wisdom found here on this forum and much less time and focus ARGUING over highly insignificant semantics???.... I mean come on people - GROW UP!
if every single person guilty of commenting on this Op-Ed would have actually tried what was suggested, that would be @ least 35 potential shidduchim in the making... DO SOMETHING! MAKE A DIFFERENCE! STOP ARGUING ABOUT NONSENSE! turn off your computer NOW and go make a shidduch..... (and yes, inspired by this article i DID go ahead and make a match.. maybe itl work, maybe it wont, but i tried.... so don't waste your time with presumptuous comments of hypocrisy)
Thank You for your simple solution and yes, IT IS a simple solution (# 3 - see #2 if your finding it hard to believe).
what you write makes perfect sense and is the OBVIOUS solution. If only more people in Lubavicth possessed the "caring heart" you speak of this crisis could easily have been avoided. If only they would show the same care and compassion as the author displays in writing this article, this crisis could finally be thwarted.
Thank you for saying it as it is and not wasting our time or insulting our intelligence with a long drawn out "article" beating around a bush of meaningless nonsense ...
I only hope there are other sensible people out there just like you, people with the same Common sense and Courage who will take what you write seriously.
Don't waste time; get involved or start a networking group in your community. I am involved with mine. Plenty of non-geshe Lubavitchers get married. Just look at the recent pictures on COLlive.
I'm also curious to know if any shidduchim are actually happening between all the commentors on these articles....
Now before you attack me, I'm only asking a question
what happened?
The reason why it seems there are more girls than boys basickly it boils down to the fact that because the frum community is growing every year (there are more grade 1's than grade 4's in all frum schools) it follows there are more 19-20 year old girls than 23-25 year old boys.
Therefore the source of the ratio discrepancy is age gap between boys and girls in an exponentially growing population. Therefore some 200 girls in the frum community miss out on a shiduch PER YEAR.
The only long-term solution that will be able to addres the crisis: (in short) Boys should be dating girls closer to their own age.
When people start understanding the root cause of the crisis, ie - the age gap - then there is a chance to address the crisis. Without understanding this basic mathematical phenomena, this crisis will just get worse with each successive year.
a wonderful idea is to set up anon. email addresses where we can exchange info. on a public forum like this.
60, the problem is that many boys leave the derech or become modern, while girls often come home from sem, very inspired. While the cure for the numbers descrepency is to marry older girls to younger boys, it is often the girls who refuse to meet a younger and therefore possibly less mature boy.
#56 what other coment did I make that is sad but true?
I don't think that there are any statistics but from all the meetings that I have been to and people that I have spoken to I have gotten the impression that a significant # of singles in a greater proportion than in the past, spend upwards of 12 months in search of a shidduch and many are upwards of 24 months.
i (older single girl) met a boy after he had refused to go out with me for a number of years. we met, he didn't like me and we stopt after 3 dates. i remained in that city for a few weeks to go out with others.
every shadchan/ta i spoke to...told me he and i would make a great match. i told them all: he's not interested.
after some time i got a call: the boy knows you're still in town, he's been hearing your name from all different directions, he wants to try again. we met. and met. and met again. after more than 10 times we both discovered that we were wasting our time, we're (both'-)) very good people, but we're not each others bashert.
since then i stopt feeling very upset when boys refus to go out with me because i live on a different continent, because i know that eventually i'll marry the right one, hashem has His ways to bring us together (don't ask ME how) and why would i have to go out with him to get another
dissapointment???
it is still hard becasue i feel just let the boy and the girl try it for themsleves- but these few boys won't even try.
but i see it may not have the outcome we want.
And just bc one party has 'feelings' doesn't mean you have to get married - marriage is not one sided!
So if anyone wants to hear the goss - it happens to be that this guy is REALLY not my bashert - during the dating he kept it real chassidish..... after I said no he's sms'd me about 4 times, facebooked me and left messages on my phone...... yech