By N’shei Chabad Newsletter Staff
It just happened. We didn’t go looking for two articles that agree with each other on the topic of discipline; in fact we didn’t go looking for articles at all for this issue; they came to us (thank You, G-d). And yet our two chinuch articles happen to agree emphatically with each other.
Rabbi Baruch Zaltzman, Dean of Mesivta Ohr Temimim Lubavitch Toronto, writes:
Mainly, we show children love by treating them like human beings, by giving the message: You matter and I enjoy talking with you. Love first, discipline second. Anyone who walked into my office could not miss the large portion of my wall that was decorated with children’s artwork. I was often asked, “Should this not be hanging in the preschool?” “No,” I would say, “this is art that the children made especially for me.” When a child in first, second, third or fourth grade would visit my office, not looking very proud of himself, he and I both knew he was in trouble, but that would hardly ever be the first order of business.
“Hi, how are you feeling? What brings you here?” Often all I would get was an unhappy shrug of the shoulders. I would quickly say, “Let’s talk in a few minutes. In the meantime, which crayons do you want to use to make a special picture for me?” His face lights up.
“You mean you would hang it on your wall?”
“Of course.”
A smiling child is now creating his own art in my office. When I see that child relaxed and almost done, I ask him to tell me about the picture, sign it, and choose a spot on the wall to hang it. As he searches for the right spot, I say something like, “So remind me again please, why did Rebbi send you here?” At this point, the answer comes right out. The child feels cared for, loved, treated like a human being and emotionally soothed. He feels safe to discuss whatever happened and can even consider how he can improve or grow from the experience, without feeling defensive.
With older children it is slightly different. Over the years I found that the most productive conversations would take place out of the office. The office created a barrier. “Can you help me put away some seforim?” or ” Would you mind helping me set up the lunchroom?” I like to begin with an off-topic conversation. It can be about sports (not my favorite topic but it becomes my favorite when I need it), it can be about his latest extracurricular project, his father’s line of work or a simchah in his family. After a few minutes, with a soft smile on my face, I say, by the way, how is yeshiva going?
By now, the child knows I am not out to get him, and he will open up. Love first, discipline second. It really works.
Rivkie Brownstein of Hillside, NJ, a stay-at-home mom who coaches on positive discipline, parenting and relationships, writes:
We are all human. We all make mistakes. As adults, how often do we lose our patience or say or do something we regret? When do we feel motivated to change? When we are punished and yelled at sternly, or when we are spoken to with respect and understanding, without judgment?
… We need to keep in mind our end goal—to get our children to love Yiddishkeit, and to be successful, caring human beings. We need to be careful that our method of discipline helps our children to grow, not to turn them off from Yiddishkeit, G-d forbid. Disciplining with a sense of love and empathy is the best way we can ensure that our children will grow up to be loving, compassionate adults.
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to subscribe in time to read all that Rabbi Zaltzman and Mrs. Brownstein have learned about disciplining successfully.
Shlucha Nechoma Greisman a”h passed away suddenly, leaving a newborn and nine children. In honor of her 26th yahrzeit on 23 Shvat, Rabbi Aryeh and Mrs. Edna Solomon conducted extensive interviews with many people who were close to Nechoma and then compiled an extraordinary collage of episodes, letters and memories about her inspirational life. One sample:
Sara Chana Schreiber remembers: “…Initially, Nechomie and Shmuel lived in very rudimentary conditions in Tzfas and when they came to America, they had a long shopping list of essential home-items that they desperately needed in Israel. I drove Nechomie and her mother to the Lower East Side to buy everything. After purchasing many bags of goods, we stored it all in my car which we locked securely before going to the next shop. When we came back to the car with the last installment, we found that every item had been stolen. I was extremely distraught as this had cost a great deal of money and hard-earned money at that. For Nechomie and her mother, it was ‘Gam zu l’tovah’ [this too is for the best] and back to the shops to repurchase the same items. In my life, I have never seen human beings respond to a distressing situation like this as Nechomie and her mother did.”
Have you heard the word “Sarno” being bandied about, but wondered what or who it is? The upcoming Chof Beis Shvat issue of the N’shei Chabad Newsletter
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has the full scoop on this method of dealing with many types of pain. Learn about Sarno through interviews with Rabbi Shloma Majeski, dean of Machon L’Yahadus; Sima Karp; Miriam Racquel Feldman, and Dovid Meshchaninov, with reporting by Devorah Leah Movsikov and Jeanie Silver. In this video, Rabbi Motty Gurary, Founder and Director of Bnos Menachem, shares his own experience with the Sarno method, after, as he puts it, “I couldn’t walk on my feet because the pain was enormous.”
But are you ready to stop suffering from pain by using the Sarno method? Not everyone is. Find out about all this and more in the upcoming Chof Beis Shvat issue of N’shei Chabad Newsletter. Subscribe now or buy it in Crown Heights stores and be in the know on the topics everyone will be talking about.
Rabbi Zaltzman is a master at Chinuch. Giving our son the tools with so much positive energy, for the past three years, to confidently cross over into zal.
Thank you Rabbi, thank you friend.
Rabbi Zaltzman seems to have figured out exactly how and what it means to educate children in our day and age. His Mesivta has the highest levels of chasidishkeit along with love, care, a fantastic staff and high school diploma in case the boys will eventually need it. Kol Hakavod! There is no doubt in my mind that this mesivta will continue to grow and have loads of hatzlacha!
I’m very interested in the Sarno supplement. Can always count on the N’shei for something new, interesting, and out of the box.
cauliflower quinoa patties
vegetable bean soup
kale-quinoa-pomegranate salad
are there recipes this time? I find the N’shei recipes to be tried and true and reliably good.
Always good content in that little ole mag!
Best student in the Yeshiva, a true mensche and role model!
Rabbi Zaltzman gets chinuch like nobody else. Thank you for opening a Mesivta that has the best of everything- a chassidishe place that educates with love first. It is truly a place where the bochurim are happy and cared for. Rabbis Posner, Shusterman and Landau are outstanding!