Aug 11, 2009
Why am I Not Married?
Shidduchim SOS: "All my friends were convinced that I would be 'the first to go.' I'm slim, beautiful and with yichus. People said I have the complete package and it remains a mystery to all as to why I am not married."
After Reading all this talk about bochurim looking for models and "size 2" etc., I can't help but throw in my two cents.
Yes, there are those that are looking for that perfection, and in their shallowness fail to recognize what's really important in marriage.
I do agree 100% that there has to be a physical attraction, but many don't understand that being attracted to someone comes with getting to know them, getting to see their inner beauty and the wonderful qualities that lies within them. More often than not, one rejects a shidduch based on looks, without even giving it a chance to see if something can come from it.
But let's turn the coin round here. Since this is anonymous I am free to be honest about myself and without coming across as boastful, I can say this:
I am a older single (late twenties). I am slim and considered to be beautiful, I have been told this throughout my life. When it came to start dating, all my friends were convinced that I would be "the first to go."
I thank G-d come from a wonderful close knit family, (with yichus) and I followed the system just like all my friends, and went on to teach in Crown Heights etc.
People have often told me I have the complete package and it remains a mystery to all as to why I am not married.
If what all you are saying holds the truth then I should have been married years ago - it just goes to show its not true.
Bochurim who I have met over the past few years have all openly told me, "I think you are beautiful and you're everything I've always wanted but...." and then the list would begin.
I was either too open, too closed, too serious, too carefree... whatever it was, they somehow managed to find something that was missing.
A girl can have the perfect figure and look beautiful, but the guys are still going to dig for that perfect girl, and many of these guys a few years down the road, remain single and are still searching blindly, thinking they're going to find this illusion they've painted in their minds.
I've even had one bochur tell me if only he could take the best part of each girl he's been out with, and find that one girl who has all those qualities!
It's not about the looks. Its about bochurim looking for perfection.
It comes down to a bochur can be dating an amazing girl and he knows himself she's everything he needs in a wife, but he will continue to dig further, convincing himself there has to be someone else better out there for him.
It's about time bochurim learn to realize that no girl is perfect - but that's the whole beauty of marriage - to form a unity, to complete something that is not perfect and make it complete.
So all you girls reading this, please, don't pay too much attention to these articles that stress so much attention on looks and weight.
I have many friends who are very happily married today to wonderful husbands, and are not considered to be attractive, but their husbands love them and saw what they had to offer.
They chose to see the good and beautiful middos and qualities these girls possess that allowed them to build a trusting and loving relationship.
I, on the other hand, hold these same values and good qualities, and am still unable to find someone - even with my "model qualities."
Guess my point is, it makes no difference if you have that model figure or not, whether you're beautiful or not. The problem here is much more profound and deeper then we realize.
It's frightening how we have come to this and my only hope is that maybe through the Shidduchim SOS blog we will be able to overcome it.
Good luck to you all.