Oct 30, 2008
Two Sides to the Shidduch
Anonymous op-ed: I would like to describe a pretty common scenario: A Crown Heights family is not interested in a certain girl for a shidduch because, in their words "Her, for my son? From that family? Where are they from?! I don't even know where to find it on a map. Don't you know who my grandfather was?
I would like to describe a pretty common scenario:
A family living in Crown Heights is not interested in a certain girl for a shidduch because, in their words "Her, for my son? From that family? Don't you know that they live in some crazy place?! I don't even know where to find it on a map! Don't you know who my grandfather was? Back in Russia he was such a big Chossid. He had such Mesirus Nefesh. He did everything the Frierdikke Rebbe asked of him. With Mesirus Nefesh he moved his family to… to teach in the Yeshiva there. With a grandfather like that, you think our family should look into a girl like that, from such a far off place? Sorry, we can get better."
Other side of the story:
The girl grew up in some faraway place because her father was encouraged to live there by the Rebbe (with Mesirus Nefesh!). Her parents would much rather have raised their family in a Frum community like Crown Heights, with a choice of Lubavitcher schools, but they know that it'll be okay for their daughter to go to a Bais Yaakov-type school, that they have to drive 45 minutes each way (with Mesirus Nefesh!) just because, as the Rebbe's Shluchim, the Rebbe will take care of their daughter.
They know they can not give her cheese, yogurt, meat or chicken unless the shipment arrives on time (waiting with Mesirus Nefesh!) but that's fine, the Rebbe will make sure she grows up alright. After all it's the Rebbe who sent them there.
In the end, it doesn't matter who your grandfather was.
He had Mesirus Nefesh to do the right thing, but what about you? How much Mesirus Nefesh is involved in living in Crown Heights, having a choice of grocery stores, bakeries, butchers, schools, Shuls, Mikvaos etc.? But a girl who actually lives on Shlichus…she's not good enough because of her (lack of) Yichus.
People, this is a plea to all of you with boys or girls of the right age:
Please think about what choices you are making, what is important and what is not and what messages you are giving to your children and others around you.
Also remember, if you do not let your son/daughter go out with someone for a 'small excuse' such as these, not only are you making your child wait but there is also this other boy/girl in the world who is now waiting around for their Bashert.
(Often people 'lower their standards' when their children get older because they are still single. 1- if you are able to lower it, maybe it wasn't so important in the first place. 2- you now have wasted precious years of your child's happiness.)