ב"ה
Wednesday, 26 Adar I, 5784
  |  March 6, 2024

To My Friend Thinking of Divorce

Shtetlhood blog by Shimona Tzukernik: A personal letter to a friend who has been contemplating getting divorced. Full Story

Recap: California Shluchim Kinus

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To number 45
April 2, 2017 7:28 am

Rabbis are not mental health professionals. Don’t be so naive to think they know everything beyond their expertise..

To 68
March 31, 2017 2:22 pm

Wow! Or maybe it just means that they remained quiet about their abusive spouses- do you really believe that abusive relationships only began when therapists became “popular”? Only, in those days, there was simply less tolerance for divorce!

To #102 - it's often difficult to tell
March 30, 2017 11:15 pm

I’m the commenter #101. It is so hard. I dated my ex for 3 months, and since it was my first relationship, didn’t listen to my gut telling me to stop…

Deal with the *mental illness * b4!
March 30, 2017 7:11 pm

Solution: Date for a long time! Get to know all their secrets, and share yours , bc the deepest secrets whichever u don’t say b4 u r engaged will come back to haunt you at the wrong time!

#99 - so true!
March 30, 2017 9:10 am

Yes, that was my experience too, at least in part! After 6 years of her mood swings, laziness, manipulation and finally infidelity, it was my ex-wife who filed for divorce! (Despite rabbinic telling me that I should seek a divorce, I was like an abuse victim, still trying to work it out.)
The only difference is that she thank G-d never remarried, so she can’t hurt another spouse. I, on the other hand, went through a long healing process, and am now happily married for many years.

Consult Your Rav
March 29, 2017 9:22 pm

If you follow the mitzvah of “aseh lecha rav” you can skip the advice of people who only know their world.
There’s a mitzvah in the Torah to write a get.
In certain situations that is preferable to staying married.
Stop telling people that they can handle being sworn at, have things thrown at them, drunkeness, or being attacked.
That *is* abuse, and this behavior is unacceptable in any marriage, let alone a Torah marriage.
Getting out of such a situation is saving a life, which is a mitzvah that overrides even Shabbos.

By the way
March 29, 2017 5:41 pm

You would be amazed at how often it is that the ABUSER is the one to end the marriage. Because they are completely emotionally unaware, they think any problems are all the fault of their spouse, not them, so they decide to “move on” to finally have the adoring spouse that they feel they deserve !

How about ?
March 29, 2017 5:34 pm

If the hashgocha protis is that you are supposed to meet and marry a certain person, possibly even bring down children together, suffer for a certain amount of time, and then after trying in every possible way to honor the commitment you made under the chupa, and speaking to qualified therapists , rabbis, and mashpiam realizing there is truly no hope so then giving or receiving a gett ? You are not running away from your personal hashgocha protis, but that part of your journey is over and now you must heal and resume living.

To #88
March 29, 2017 4:29 pm

you should know that you’re not alone. I too was terribly abused in my marriage. it got to the point when I can barely come home,due to an abusive spouse and extended abusive family. althogh things are more stable now, I wish someone would’ve have told me many years ago, The truth!! that abuse is abuse, and you run when it’s early enough, not when things are so messed up, that it’s almost no point to leave anymore. there’s much more I can write, please whoever reads this get help when it’s still early enough, otherwise things will just be… Read more »

An Abused wife
March 29, 2017 4:07 pm

I wanted to wait till all the comments to post: My husband and I both frum but after after first child I felt like I was in an impossible situation. He developed mood swings that resulted in verbal, and on one occasion, physical abuse…after Tishrei one year I had had enough and everyone supported my decision to leave, even my husband’s parents. I had spoken with a bros din and secular attorneys and everything was in place to “start over” and then I came across a letter from the Rebbe that completely changed my mind…it was printed in other publications.… Read more »

To #90
March 29, 2017 2:29 pm

You comment to #88 is quite shocking and beyond insensitive.
I am the last person to promote divorce even in many difficult situations, but when it’s that excruciatingly painful as indicated by 88’s comment, it’s probably a Mitzvah to divorce.

The words "abusive", "mental illness"
March 29, 2017 2:29 pm

These words are used as mud that people throw until it sticks… Bottom line: G-d Almighty not only gives us what we can handle but also, what we need and what is custom tailored for us.

When we get what we don’t want we are not supposed to look for reasons or a way out, because G-d Almighty in his infinite kindness will give us that, our job as Jews is to elvate and fix the darkness not run from it

The biggest mental health issue
March 29, 2017 1:10 pm

The biggest mental health issue here is staying or encouraging one to stay in an abusive marriage.

Thank you Shimona
March 29, 2017 11:47 am

Thank you Shimona for telling us what real life is about. I wish you would’ve told us when you were our highschool teacher, but maybe you didnt have the knowledge then that you have now. I wish we would learn that life has challenges and that if we see problems in our husbands, “OMG, poor me that I married him. I must get out. I’m too good for that.” Just the opposite, the more good I am, the more “growth opportunities” i get (love that term btw). While I understand your article might not be for every situation, it spoke… Read more »

shlomo
March 29, 2017 11:22 am

kind a delusion. when my parents want to divorce(always) i work hard to not let it happen. but after my dad die (to early for my opinion) and till now i think that it my gilt too, not only my mom. somehow i always against divorces,generally , but in particular i always agree(never say this but agree) not long time ago among my friends and acquaintance was epidemy 6 couples in one year divorce. and wife was initiator. all cases 3-4 kids and woman was pretty sure that he cane remarried much beter with rich successful younger guy. after year… Read more »

Dear #88
March 29, 2017 10:42 am

Again, our job is to make it work, just because there is a way out it doesn’t mean we should take it.

Suicide and divorce are very similar…nothing positive comes from them even though they represent to the pain, they only represent new and BIGGER problems

Better pre-marriage education
March 29, 2017 9:31 am

Divorce must be an absolute last option. It is appropriate in some situations but it comes with its own pains. The lesson we should all draw from this is that pre-marriage education needs to be improved. Frum communities need to be more honest about health issues (if we all are more open about it and better educated then it will be less of a stigma). There needs to be more practical, day to day reality type issues in addition to the loftier ideals of marriage. Also, people need to know who to talk to when a real issues arises. Rabbanim… Read more »

Dear #85
March 29, 2017 8:28 am

I am sure that you will agree that your assessment of divorce as a result of “not having fun in your marriage” is very different than reaching a point when you are trying to figure out how to commit suicide every day but not have it look like one and holding back not because of halacha but because how could you do that do your children ? ( and you know the other parent isn’t capable of raising them ) Welcome to a day in the life of an abused spouse – this is our reality and this is why… Read more »

thanks, but no thanks
March 29, 2017 6:53 am

You’re trying to turn back the clock to when divorce was unheard of and a tremendous stigma for the spouse and the children.

You should have kept your thoughts to yourself.

Yehuda l g
March 28, 2017 9:37 pm

I am a single 29 year old .I am open to share with those who want to hear about my observation s of older peoples out look to understand standard ing reality as a couple. [email protected]

Wow
March 28, 2017 9:31 pm

It seems that all the pro-divorce posts have one thing in common: if someone is not having fun in a marriage (due to the spouse’s abuse, mental illness, etc.) then it is grounds for quitting and this is the problem… Just because a marriage is hard, uncomfortable, painful or borderline impossible it doesn’t mean the answer is quit G-d Almighty married every yid at Har Sinai and look how many of us are abusive (only 10% of Jews keep Shabbos!) and yet after 3500 years Hashem hasn’t divorced even one of us after all the mistreatment (think about many Jews… Read more »

I relate to #2 and #7
March 28, 2017 9:14 pm

I agree with the author wholeheartedly that divorce should be the last option. But we aren’t Catholics and divorce is allowed in Torah. I was not aware of the mental illness prevalent in my ex wife’s family when we got married. She has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and other members of her family have been institutionalized for periods. She is one of 9 children and of the 3 that got married; all have gotten divorced. Thank G-d I got out of that marriage after 6 years and infidelity on her part, and am happy married to an amazing… Read more »

G-d and His angels
March 28, 2017 8:49 pm

G-d cries along with his angels when a woman/man and children are living in pain.
I hope your children have happy marriages.Would be awful advice for a child in a miserable marriage.
#79 Your advice is hardly angelic.Hope you don’t relay this advice to your friends or loved ones.

To #81
March 28, 2017 8:45 pm

Nothing stands in the way of one’s yechida shbe nefesh…if one spouse refuses to quit on the other one, the Rebbe promises that the other one will come around “by hook or by crook”….words from the heart eventually enter the heart, even a sick heart

To #77
March 28, 2017 7:13 pm

Or maybe the victim starts being abused at the beginning of the marriage and stays for the sanctity of the marriage trying to make it work out of hope their abusive spouse will change…

TO #69
March 28, 2017 3:14 pm

Thank goodness you never comment, and this comment was not necessary and incomprehensible to boot.
Just recognize the fact that every individual couple faces unique issues and there is no one size fits all solution for this complicated matter.

What is Divorce
March 28, 2017 3:04 pm

There are some very detailed letters from the Rebbe about what happens spiritually when someone gets divorced.

Read those letters and you will realize that it’s better to “suffer” with your “sick spouse” rather than cause the Hashem and the melachim to suffer until the end of time

To #71
March 28, 2017 2:59 pm

A learned Rabbi with decades of experience that has seen and dealt with 1000s of cases is more capable than any mental health “professional”

The Real Mental Illness
March 28, 2017 2:56 pm

You have a person who dates another person for 3 or 4 months and spends 100 of hours talking to another person. Then there is as much as four months of high pressure time (engagement/wedding planning) where people’s true side comes out. Then there is the wedding day, then there is “the first year”, then there is kid #1 and all the challenges with parnasa and everything else…

After all that, now that things are tough…I finally realize my spouse has mental illness and I just ignored/missed all the signs…

Come on…

To #64
March 28, 2017 2:23 pm

“people had happy marriages”

What are you basing this statement on?

50 or 100 years ago people simply stayed imprisoned in abusive marriages. There was zero tolerance for divorced folk.

Thank you
March 28, 2017 1:45 pm

Thank you, Shimona, for your honesty and bravery.

3 core needs
March 28, 2017 1:43 pm

There are 3 core human needs. 1. Safety 2. Satisfaction 3. Connection
Whether you stay or leave, it is important to ensure that these basic needs are met.

mental illness
March 28, 2017 1:26 pm

I suffer from mental illness. And there are times when it is tough on all of us. however with patience, medecine and counceling we work to have a good marriage and were blessed with good kids B”H,

To # 61
March 28, 2017 1:06 pm

Your comment reflects the fact that you have been lucky enough to not understand what abuse is. If you did understand, you wouldn’t be able to make the comment that abuse isn’t a reason to end a marriage. If you or a family member had experienced abuse, you would most certainly not be able to casually say a spouse should stay in an abusive marriage. What defines abuse is another discussion. Not everyone can claim abuse. To understand what abuse really is, these books may be helpful: I’m so confused. Am I being abused? By Lisa Twersky The shame borne… Read more »

To # 45
March 28, 2017 12:41 pm

“If rabbonim haven’t admitted that there isn’t mental illness, maybe there isn’t” – maybe that means that they are not mental health professionals to make that call. You wouldn’t go to a doctor for a psak and you don’t go to a rabbi for a mental health diagnosis. Problems arise when people don’t pay attention to who should be dealing with what.

Great comment 62 AND 63
March 28, 2017 12:12 pm

Well said!

I never comment but now one is necessary
March 28, 2017 12:11 pm

The writer of this article is dead on accurate While i dont judge someone in abusive situations there is dass torah writen on that. The pele yoetz says what one should do if there is an abusive hisband look it up and see for yourselves. Also the gemara in sotah clearly says that infidelity by the husband is not a deal breaker nor anger… This is contrary to popular secular thought. I think in light of all of these things maybe marriage is more than an agreement but an unbreakable bond. Much like when the bais hamildash was destroyed it… Read more »

wake up 64
March 28, 2017 11:53 am

Hey, sounds like 50 or 100 years ago no frum Jews dealt with any serious familial issues. I guess we just had perfectly happy husbands and wives all over the place. I wish we were living back then in those perfect times. Better yet, I wish we could be back in Europe. Oh, what a heaven on earth to have lived in Europe 70 years ago…
Crazy therapists, they came in and ruined everything…

To #61 :
March 28, 2017 11:49 am

“If G-d gave you a sick spouse, it is not for you to throw away but for you to cure!!! This was what the Rebbe taught us: the world and all the issues we confront are there for us to fix and perfect…not run from” If you yourself have not been trapped in a marriage with a mentally sick abusive spouse, then please do not give well-meaning pep talks about a horrifying experience you were spared & BH you know nothing about its physical & emotional effects on the well spouse and family. To #55 – you are truly a… Read more »

#64
March 28, 2017 11:40 am

50 or 100 years ago we did not have the possibility or hope of another way of life. The idea of divorce was still a stigma and women had no means of supporting themselves outside their husbands. Now that both spouses work and help with taking care of children, it’s just easier. You are correct but I wonder statistiically how many of those marriages were truly loving and healthy ones?

As the saying goes
March 28, 2017 1:11 pm

Divorce is NOT a solution it just replaces the old problem with a new and BIGGER problem…

Thank you so much for sharing these inspiring words of hope within this beautiful article

Therapist
March 28, 2017 12:39 pm

50 or 100 years ago no frum jew dealt with therapists, and people had happy marriages and the divorce rate was much lower…this is a measurable fact

A Great Chabad Scholar
March 28, 2017 12:31 pm

Said…Marriage is not 50/50 and it doesn’t take two…

Marriage is 100/100…I have to do 100% no matter what even if the other side does less than 100% or even if the other side does 0%…over time my effort will cause the other side to come around, even against all odds, This is the Rebbe’s promise: do everything you can and let 🙂 Almighty take care of the miracle part

like some say, there are
March 28, 2017 12:28 pm

no simple answers

Jewish Marriage
March 28, 2017 12:26 pm

In Yiddishkeit, there is nothing that comes before the union of husband wife, not even Hashem’s Name (ie erase My Name to save the marriage). Mental illness, abuse and all the other REAL issues are not reasons to end a marriage. Yes they make the marriage difficult and almost impossible at times…but we have to remember what the Rebbe said so many times:

G-d Almighty has created you, your spouse and the situation and it is your job to make it work and make a dira even within the greatest of darkness

Its not easy but it is possible

Not a reading comprehenson issue
March 28, 2017 12:00 pm

While these sentiments were intended for a specific situation the undertones are quite apparent.
The comments are also reflective of a general negative attitude towards divorce in our community.

Social Media
March 28, 2017 11:48 am

When dealing with divorce the only person that we need to include in the equation is HaShem, your spouse and a very good therapist! I cannot tell you how many times I’ve seen posted spouses asking advise from the masses such as Balaboostas or Chabad Moms and some are the responses are just plain unhealthy and dangerous. The most important thing my kallah teacher ever taught me was to keep everyone out of my marriage. I understood this early on, whenever I had a problem and would vent to a friend, that friend would make it seem outlandish that my… Read more »

critical reading skills!
March 28, 2017 11:34 am

This article was not meant to generalize every single marriage case in the entire world. As much as we are ego centric, we have to take ourselves out of the equation and understand that this article was written for a certain type, it goes without saying that cases of abuse warrant divorce.

But for those needing a disclaimer due to lack of comprehension maybe COL should add this to the article.

It takes two!!!
March 28, 2017 11:18 am

Just like the wedding needs two people PRESENT!! Inorder to stay together and avoid divorce at all costs, it takes TWO people to recognize there is a problem and be PRESENT to work it out!!

sometimes divorce is necessary but should be never taken lightly
March 28, 2017 11:14 am

I am the product of divorce, but that was necessary since my father was abusive. That said I understand the ramifications all too well. However there are still times people rush to divorce, me included. When things got tough that was always always my first instinct. It took a lot of therapy to not always seek a way out and work through. I have many friends who’ve confided in me that they regret their divorce and only did so out of community pressure, since there was so much gossip surrounding their marriages. But once they divorced they were left alone… Read more »

#7 I can empathize
March 28, 2017 11:10 am

all the traits you described kind, loving, vicious and cruel all in one day a roller coaster of emotion. Like I like to say, I never know which personality or who I will be waking up to. It takes lots of work and strength to be married to someone with any illness. Mental illness is the worst because it gets the least amount of sympathy or help from the community. Only when I started seeing a non jewish therapist was I able to truly grasp the scope of the illness. When one is sick with a physical illness, there is… Read more »

Bravery and keeping it real
March 28, 2017 11:05 am

Bravery would be to write how she overcame her difficulties and what they were.
She doesn’t have to disclose intimate details on a public forum but let’s keep it real.Many couples have had bumps in the road.

Perhaps giving tips as to what helped her overcome those obstacles would have been more fruitful.

Married Forever
March 28, 2017 11:03 am

Lovely and flowery but zero practical advise. Get real and down to earth. A good marriage is hard work. Sometimes it is workable and successful, sometimes for the benefit of all it is not. My parents divorced when I was 12 and happily married for 53 years. This article doesn’t say much.

The Marriage Restoration Project-google it
March 28, 2017 11:01 am

This frum husband and wife team- he’s a Rabbi as well as a lincensed mental health professional, are truly outstanding and he fully understands the difference between unsalavageable marriage with a partner with mental illness or two emotionally healthy people capable or working on the relationship who just have issues .

To number 2
March 28, 2017 10:46 am

It’s never “too late” . People find get married and remarried everyday of all ages and circumstances. There isn’t an “age” or circumstance limit to find love and experience happiness! For you life begins NOW. I read a memior of a man who was on death row for 20yrs for a crime he did not commit or even had no nexus too altogether, he was let out a few years ago along with two of his friends also unfairly imprisoned, and he would have every reason to feel better and that life passed him by, he was 17 at the… Read more »

Reconciliation
March 28, 2017 10:19 am

Is pedophilia or your husand molesting your own daughters also a tikun?
I would hope that the author would be careful with articles as such when addressing such a painful topic.
Food for thought.

Don't bring the Rebbe into this
March 28, 2017 10:15 am

The Rebbe was not be pro abuse and disrespect in a marriage.

There is a condition is the Rebbe's letter
March 28, 2017 9:43 am

By the grace of G‑d, Brooklyn, New York Greeting and Blessing: In reply to your notification of the date of your wedding to take place with G‑d’s help [on]…….. I send you herewith my prayerful wishes that it take place in a happy and auspicious hour, and that you build an everlasting Jewish home based on the foundations of the Torah and Mitzvohs, as they are illuminated with the inner light of the Torah, that is the Teachings of Chassidus. With blessing of Mazaltov Mazaltov /Rebbe’s Signature/ The home must be built on “the foundations of the Torah and Mitzvos.”… Read more »

please clarify
March 28, 2017 9:40 am

Can someone please clarify once and for all why it is “believed” that the Rebbe didnt speak of divorce? and if so then why do we have the concept of a Gett?and if it was spoken about ..can you please share? ty

#17
March 28, 2017 9:37 am

very well said!

To #29
March 28, 2017 9:21 am

If Rabbonim don’t acknowledge that there is mental illness, maybe there isn’t…sometimes we have to realize that we are biased

To # 29
March 28, 2017 9:20 am

First you need to have mental health professionals on board and seeing what you see since we cannot be objective on our own, plus the professionals have the training to know whether it mental illness or something else (or, forgive me, if you are the problem and are just hiding behind her issues). Once that is clarified the professionals need to speak to your Rov. It’s a mistake to assume one can self diagnose or that Rabbonim can pick up the subtleties of mental illness. A good Rov works hand-in-hand with the family therapist or psychologist. Also thankfully gender bias… Read more »

Mental Illness
March 28, 2017 9:19 am

Most frum people that think divorce is a good idea, claim that there is mental illness…

Just because a spouse is sick doesn’t mean they can’t be cured and a Yetzer hara that is out of control is not “incurable mental illness”

If G-d gave you a sick spouse, it is not for you to throw away but for you to cure!!! This was what the Rebbe taught us: the world and all the issues we confront are there for us to fix and perfect…not run from

Well said but, remember, nuance is needed...
March 28, 2017 9:14 am

Mrs. Tzukernik has written a good article that is much appreciated. She is speaking to the Jewish ideal of marriage. This is a message that must be emphasized and taught over and over again. Divorce, although certainly appropriate in some circumstances, has to always be seen as an absolute last resort. I think the impression most people have is that all marriages come with challenges and, even though the issues are serious (i.e. NOT of the ‘socks in the wrong hamper’ variety), most situations should be worked out. Divorce is very painful and damaging to all involved. This ideal was… Read more »

In Yechidus!
March 28, 2017 9:13 am

My relative was in Yechidus with the Rebbe and told the Rebbe that he was in a very tough situation (the Rebbe agreed) and that he couldn’t deal with it and he wanted a way out. The Rebbe told him that by dealing with the hardships and working through the impossibilities he will become great. The Rebbe said the Reason why Avraham Avinu is Avraham Avinu is because he had 10 tests (he didn’t look for a way out, he recognized the “hardships” as tests not “impossibilities” and therefore the very thing that one might think you have to run… Read more »

Screams out
March 28, 2017 9:02 am

that there is something remiss re shidduch system. There appears to be very little practical advice or preparation/recognition of the inevitable troubles and downsides in all marriages, eg problems with in-laws, intimacy, health, children, finance, employment, etc etc.

Divorce????
March 28, 2017 9:01 am

Straight from the mouth of Rebetzin Shula Kazen:
When your spouse speaks nice, he is speaking to you.
But when he shouts, or insults you, he is speaking to the WALL behind you”
As a teacher, I personally have seen the effect that divorce has on children. It is very destructive.!!!!!

Not so poshut
March 28, 2017 9:00 am

Every couple is a new world In general is a process of growing , and if this process is normal , meaning 2 healthy individuals , they make it work and then they can look back and see how Great was and is When there is adultery , things are different , more when there is a question al lo Halacha if they can stay married Or if there is a continuous physical damage , or if someone is mentally ill, rl , then you don’t solve the situation with a chassidishe vort Everyone has a specific nisayon that can’t… Read more »

To #15
March 28, 2017 8:57 am

The Rebbe said that he didn’t want the Beis Din in CH to do gitten (and it doesn’t) and those few people that the Rebbe mentioned Beis din, it was for the purpose of fixing the marriage, read the letters they are available online in Hebrew, someone who worked for the Rebbe for over 40 years told me that the Rebbe believed anything and everything is Fixable and that no marriage is Hopeless

The Truth
March 28, 2017 8:53 am

Regardless of whether you agree with divorce or not, the Torah teaches us that a marriage/shidduch is NOT AN ACCIDENT, it comes from G-d Almighty Himself and as the 9th posuk from the Rebbe’s 10 pesukim goes:

“If he says he tried and he failed, don’t believe him (that he tried) and if he tries and succeds (then know that he tired)

If you try and you really want it, where there is a will there is a way, it might not be perfect, or even what you want, but it’s doable

True
March 28, 2017 8:43 am

This is real and true. Thank you Shimona.

dont just "yeah, yeah" me
March 28, 2017 8:06 am

to #1: I don’t want my friends to just be supportive. I want my friends to challenge me when needed, to tell me when I can do better & try, as tactfully as possible, to save me from making stupid, life-altering mistakes

to nu 10
March 28, 2017 8:05 am

The author does say she doesnt have the answer, she is not a therapist etc.
i did understand that she is not telling us we mustnt divorce etc as you suggest she should have written.
I really dont think she blames anyone for divorcing, thats not what i got from this articel Just points to ponder on before that decision

whomever Mrs. Tzukernik is writting to, should read the comments too
March 28, 2017 8:05 am

Perhaps the comments here balance out the article, so whomever Mrs. Tzukernik is writing too, if she reads the comments, will have a fuller set of ideas to think about.

This quote from #7 says it all
March 28, 2017 7:40 am

Tragically, this is a perfect description of a situation that cannot be fixed: “… where there is mental illness and the person is uninterested in working through the issues or incapable of insight and self-responsibility” This is not a marriage, this is not mere discomfort leading to personal growth, this is hell on earth and the Torah BH does not demand that we must live out our years (which will be horribly affected by the unspeakable stress and suicidal thoughts) in such a matzav. Yes, divorce is a horror for children of any age, but at least they will have… Read more »

Thanks for your honesty
March 28, 2017 7:36 am

Refreshing to read some honesty on this forum,yet I don’t find this article to be one written responsibly.
When one writes about divorce,one should include when divorce is appropriate and even healthier for both parties.
That is missing from this article.

To number 7
March 28, 2017 7:22 am

Which rabonim have been of help?
I am struggling with a spouse with mental illness and have not found any rabonim to be helpful.
Thanks

Each case is different
March 28, 2017 7:22 am

Sometimes it’s more harmful for the children if the parents stay married, especially if the husband is harming his wife and/or children by living there.

What do I know but..
March 28, 2017 7:21 am

GETTing divorced landed on me like the matching bracelets and my ‘marriage’ did, against my will. It was as hard as you can’t imagine but that’s what my kids and I had to go through I guess. Anyone can have their opinions about me themselves and others but I wouldnt have it any other way. Tachlis, is there a secondtime Shadchan in the house? Editor at col knows me

Happy to hear it worked out
March 28, 2017 7:03 am

I agree that marriage takes a lot of hard work and much effort.
Each couple is different and has different issues to work through.
However,both partners have to be willing to work on the marriage.If one partner refuses help or treatment ,the marriage is not a partnership.
No woman should be in marriage where she is a victim or martyr for the sake of being married.

Any disclaimers?
March 28, 2017 6:56 am

Two frienda of mine were abused physically by their spouses.(children included )
Please discuss and elaborate on tikun.

God, Rebbe and self
March 28, 2017 6:51 am

Those who invoke God invoke peace and serenity
Those who invoke the Rebbe invoke martyrdom (why this is so is another discussion)
Those who invoke themselves increase the pain of themselves and others.

"Talmud and scriptures"
March 28, 2017 6:47 am

The kesuba outlines what is required in a marriage.
When the contract is broken and the partners are not prepared to reconcile and address the issues,the Holy Torah allows for divorce.
There are plenty tractates on the topic.
I find this article wrong advice ,albeit thoughtful with good intent.

Please let the professionals that deal with trauma,mental illness ,addiction,infidelity and dysfunction do the work they were trained to do, and guide people accordingly.

Selfish is your Ego to think you have the answers
March 28, 2017 5:59 am

You are not a therapist. You don’t have all of the information.
It is just ego on your part to feel the need to publicize your letter. Look inside your self again. Its offensive.

B"H
March 28, 2017 5:13 am

the book “first kill all the marriage counselors” might help, (it helped a lot of people

All wrong
March 28, 2017 4:30 am

In the frum world, getting divorced (especially with children) is an excruciating process, and the aftermath is emotionally, financially, socially devastating. There’s nothing selfish about it.

Thank You
March 28, 2017 4:26 am

Your words are a breath of fresh air as we deal with day to day Growth Opportunities. Thanks for your openness and caring to share.

is divorce inherently a bad thing, or a mitzvah?
March 28, 2017 4:05 am

This romanticization of being married makes it sound like a woman should feel ashamed if she divorced, and therefore by extension it does not sound sincerely supportive of a woman in a situation who really needs a divorce.

Been there done that
March 28, 2017 3:24 am

Firstly this article is brilliant and I love the way it is written . And I can relate from every direction. Secondly I got divorced after a year and a half of pure torture and abuse by a charming but extremely sick man (emotionally ) I remarried and experienced very similar to the above article . When You are in the “right ” marriage and yiu know it even though things can be tough sometimes you know that in your gut that your marriage is a healthy one and therefore you work through issues and grow together as a couple… Read more »

my humble opinion
March 28, 2017 2:24 am

a happy marriage isnt a condition , it’s a decision !

to #4
March 28, 2017 2:10 am

you have no idea what your talking about. The Rebbe defenetely agreed if necessary. You can feel blessed that you have no clue what it means to need a divorce

I agree with #1
March 28, 2017 1:02 am

I have been married 40+ years, but I have watched family friends’ marriages crumble. In an ideal world Mrs. Tzukernik’s blog is admirable but remember…it takes 2 to tango and if the other party isn’t willing to rethink, whats to talk about?

It isn’t your place to make or to approve/disapprove. Like #2, don’t pressure anyone to stay married OR to divorce. It’s not your business.

As the saying goes
March 28, 2017 12:45 am

Divorce is NOT a solution it just replaces the old problem with a new and BIGGER problem…

Thank you so much for sharing these inspiring words of hope within this beautiful article

source
March 28, 2017 12:03 am

What are the sources, to all those concepts you mention?

What a thoughtful article-really well written
March 28, 2017 12:02 am

If you find this is pertinent to you, please, I beg you, put aside your ego, humble yourself, and really take in and internalize what the author is saying. She speaks Emes. And I speak from long experience. I was ready to walk away from my marriage numerous times during those first several rocky years. We both came from dysfunctional homes and had to unlearn, and learn, a lot. Now, nearly thirty years later, I thank Hashem regularly that I didn’t leave, and that the husband of my youth and father of my children is still my partner in life.… Read more »

To #s 1 and 4 (and everyone)
March 28, 2017 12:00 am

There were instances in which the Rebbe told a spouse to go to a Bais Din, upon hearing of what was going on in the marriage. In other words, there are definitely cases in which our Rebbe, in keeping with Shulchan Aruch, did not hesitate to tell a spouse in CERTAIN KINDS of seriously troubled marriages, to do the mitzvah of halachic divorce. NOT that divorce is a mitzvah! But when there are CERTAIN KINDS of seriously troubled marriages, it is a mitzvah to divorce in accordance with all of the particulars outlined in Shulchan Aruch. The Torah was not… Read more »

Plan C
March 27, 2017 11:55 pm

Your words are honest, and I commend you for sharing. Most of my friends that left their marriages,left because of conditions that were not tolerable in a marriage. Before one leaves a marriage, there is much contemplation and thought that goes into that decision. For example,in the instance of abuse ,staying together to complete one’s “tikun” is not the best advice. Before suggesting lofty thoughts and sentiments,your friend may be in a marriage that is destroying her body, soul and spirit.And perhaps she may need different support at this time.Unconditional love,empathy and no judgement. . Unless you know the trutth… Read more »

Divorce
March 27, 2017 11:55 pm

Is the worst thing to do. ….
U have to see your spouse as your self and to do every thing u can to save him and you well make the best company for u and if u both see it is hard go togeter to a Rabbi which is a friend and smart.
don’t forget אשתו כגופו ,ואוהבו יותר מגופו

I can speak to this...
March 27, 2017 11:10 pm

I was stuck in a marriage for just over a decade to a woman who went to lengths to hide severe mental health issues which came right to the fore after our wedding and wreaked havoc throughout our marriage. It was like living with two people, one sane, smart, and sensible, and the other cruel, destructive, and utterly senseless. And each day (sometimes several times a day) different one’s emerged. Cold, Loving. Sweet, Angry. Kind, vicious. In our case, no amount of therapy or marriage counselling helped since it depended on which persona showed up to the sessions and anything… Read more »

Thank you for sharing
March 27, 2017 11:05 pm

Thank you for Sharing your heart, your sincerity and desire to “choose life” are shouting thru your letter. May G-d bless that your words enter into the hearts of his children, may we “choose life”.

to #1
March 27, 2017 10:42 pm

I could not agree more!!!!

To #1
March 27, 2017 10:32 pm

There is not even one letter from the Rebbe that says such a thing, in fact the Rebbe writes that the Rebbeim didn’t even use the word “divor…” because the situation is so undesirable even if justified.

Amazingly brave
March 27, 2017 10:20 pm

Thank you for your honesty. So rare and so refreshing.

Thankful one.
March 27, 2017 10:19 pm

I fully understand and appreciate your intentions your thoughtfulness and blatant decency for another Jew. Contemplating my own situation. (Not intended to refute your words…… in a few very simple words here) Many years ago my engagement my wedding was forced upon me. By parents family and family friends. Due to overly burdensome pressures, I gave in. Needlesssly to mention the marriage fell apart. The divorce – 7 years of lies deception embarrassment with psychological and emotional utter torture. The final court papers were a happier moment in my life then the wedding. I am single now. ״Never again״ I… Read more »

You never know what is truly going on
March 27, 2017 10:06 pm

While divorce is not a first option, it can be the BEST option. Your job, as a friend, is to merely be supportive.

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