By Devora Krasnianski, Founder and Director of Adai Ad Institute
“I’m looking for a shidduch for my son,” the mother told me. “He’s a good kid but he’s chilled. I hope it is not going to be hard to find his shidduch.”
What do you mean by ‘chilled’?
“He’s still frum, but he’s working,” came the answer.
Tell me more about that balance…
“It’s not like he’s into drugs or anything like that,” she said. “Thank G-d! He’s more like… he never touched his beard (I don’t think). He davens everyday and he even joins a shiur a few times a week. And he’d never wear jeans.”
It sounds like he found a balance for himself, I said. There are lots of wonderful young ladies who are looking for a guy that fits that description.
The conversation continued…
She tells me that her son is kind, perhaps even too kind. And of course, he’s good looking, clean and dresses well. And responsible. And has a great sense of humor. And everything else a mother might kvell about.
This bochur actually sounds like a wonderful person, I was thinking to myself.
I know the parents; they are upstanding and respectable members of the community, involved in many chesed and community programs. And yet there was something niggling me about suggesting a shidduch for this guy.
After some reflection, I realized that it was the mother’s tone and choice of words when first describing her son. As if she was somewhat disappointed in him and his choices.
If it was about my daughter or niece that we are discussing, it would not be my first choice to introduce her to a family where the son is looked down upon. Ideally, she’d join a family who will love her and respect her for who she is.
So much of communication is not the overall message but the actual words, tone, what is stated first, etc. These all reflect what is in our hearts about the matter.
The words like “chilled”, he’s “still frum,” “but he’s working,” … “he even joins a shiur” are judgments, based upon one’s feelings on the subject.
When networking for shidduchim for your loved one, it is important to state the truth – of course. It would be inappropriate to say that he is learning in a top yeshiva when he is not. Yet, the words we choose to use to describe him ought to be objective and positive.
She might’ve described her son along these lines:
“We’re looking out for a shidduch for our Mendel. He’s a fine young man. He is a frum guy – that is he davens everyday with a minyan, learns several times a week. And he is already making a living as a developer at Z organization.”
Same bochur, same facts. And yet it sounds so different. The words (and tone) make all the difference.
The Adai Ad Institute’s programs provide the necessary tools and insights for a strong and successful marriage – starting with pre-shiduchim, continuing through the shiduch process and into the marriage itself. www.adaiad.orgi>
Parents need to come to terms that there children aren’t so chassidish as they would like. ive been out on a date where the girl mentioned what she was looking for. and what her mother was looking was in different ballparks.
Mother get in touch with your daughters. ask them what they are looking for.
As recently engaged bochur, I have a lot of experience to give over to all of my other single bochurim out there. Don’t be upset when the shadchin only offers you girls that are not the same chassidishkeit level as you. Don’t take it personal it just means that you need to work harder on your shalom bayis and midos and it will all work out in the end.
Personally, as a single alter bochur I cannot stand when people label me “Chilled” because I have a job or that I go out to bars every now and then. The word “chill” indicates that I don’t daven with a minyan or don’t go to mikveh is untrue.
I am not so sure this mother is wrong. Just a few years ago Shadchanim would cringe or react negatively because my son is “chilled”, i wasnt ashamed until I was shamed. ‘Your son isnt a chossid because chassidim dont touch their beard”. Your son would date modern orthodox because `hes not shlichus minded’, etc. Now its more common, but I am still uncomfortable, not with my son’s choices-he is an amazing guy- but the snarls and snub noses he and we get from our shluchim-oy
I think people are just trying to follow the teachings of the Rebbe who encouraged kollel after marriage not before, then college or work
Thanks for a positive article about appreciating and speaking about your child in the positive.
But I read your conversation with the parent differently.
The words are judgments, based upon the way this mother’s child and her family for that matter, may feel they are judged by someone ELSE’s mother or shadchan….
Sometimes these mothers aren’t even open to find the right girl for their son’s needs.
For example they will easily say on a girl ‘she isn’t good enough for my son/not tznius enough’ (etc.) when he is chilled and doesn’t dress like a lubavitcher and it would totally be what he is looking for but no one is asking for his opinion and he is brainwashed to believe so.
Chilled. It’s a way to describe someone. The other side is that the couple goes out ofter weeks of research… and there is a complete lack of compatibility because the mother was scared to describe her son the way he is (frum but chilled). And unfortunately this article strengthened It. 😟
Don’t objectify your child. Meaning see him/her as a human being with physical, emotional and spiritual needs. They’re all important and I don’t put one over the other.
Your comment is a breath of fresh air. I basically for the description of the guy described in the op-ed. Can you be reached through the editor?
So right! Will think about all the tzadikim in our past did not come from the best homes and look what they accomplished!
Of course, the mother can use words like ‘chilled’ – if she defines what she means, in a more objective, factual way – without her emotions and thoughts about his chocies creeping in. It is the words like “BUT”, “EVEN” that are judgmental.
She might say””We’re looking out for a shidduch for our Mendel. He’s a fine young man. He is a frum guy, CHILLED – that is he davens everyday with a minyan, learns several times a week. And he is already making a living as a developer at Z organization.”
Is that not what the job of the shadchan is? That is not what he/she gets payed for?,
most people are not salesmen they hire brokers (shadchanim) to do the nice talking
AN OPEN LETTER FROM A FRUSTRATED MATCHMAKER: It’s so hard to please anyone these days!!! Here is a partial list of my clients …. I couldn’t even get them one date, and that is why I am finally quitting and going into the pickle business. Avraham Avinu: How can you recommend him to my daughter? Wasn’t he involved in a family feud with his father over some idols? Then he left home without a GPS or a viable business plan! Yitzchak Avinu: His brother is an Arab terrorist!!! Rivka Imeinu: Sorry, she seems nice but did you hear about her… Read more »
Chilled and hardworking sound like contradictions. How we use words makes a big difference, especially when describing someone. Every community use colloquialisms, and this is especially true in the Jewish community. When describing a person as chilled the image I get is someone sitting at home with their feet up, not someone who isn’t Chassidish or as religious as their parents. The other point I’d like to raise is that when describing her son as chilled, or less chassidish, the mother felt said “it’s not like he’s into drugs or anything”. Why do we equate someone less Chassidish or Frum… Read more »
I don’t think the parent is wrong in her description. If she says he is “chilled”– he probably is just that. “Chilled” means cooled down, as in not as passionate or “on fire” with excitement towards yiddishkeit or chassidishkeit. He may still daven with a minyan or go to a shiur, but his passion in life, his “fire” may be into other things like baseball or movies etc. Hence his parent says he is “chilled” which is an accurate description of where he is at and what kind of Shidduch he needs. He probably is looking for a girl who… Read more »
Hey, you are right! I would go so far as to say that sometimes parents have this attitude to a child in general, not just with shidduchim – they speak about a child this way (can’t keep their judgment
out of the picture when talking about the child) – and the child
feels this – (that he is not loved UNCONDITIONALLY) – and this can affect him adversely – lack of self esteem – pronounced to him by his wellmeaning parent – who just dosn’t know how to SHOW unconditional love. It might be THE problem, sometimes.
For goodness sake what’s wrong with a bochur who actually wants to fulfill what he signs on in the ketuba?
Gosh. Such an awful choice, right?
He’s frum. He’s kind. He’s working. He’s caring. He goes to minyan and shiurim. He sounds great – why aren’t you proud of him??
She could have said …. He is working and may even be able to support a family one day …. Oy yoy terrible !! /s
Yes, your version sounds better – but is it as accurate as the mother’s? Your version sounds stiff & would make me think what am I NOT being told? Hers is more open and honest and sounds like she is talking about a boy with personality. I too was nervous about one or two of my boys because (hands up in horror!!!) they WORK. I needn’t have been concerned. We got plenty of calls because they are well known as being responsible, frum, helpful people and ALL of them made what some people call “great shidduchim.” And they were shidduchim.… Read more »
Can you pls set us up? He sounds like a nice young man (in the mean time:) I’m also a bit “chill” and my mother isn’t crazy about my choices either.. I went to college so that I can help secure myself a living. I’m happy that this young man went out and is securing his as well. It reassuring to go out with a guy who’s “found” himself (or is trying), as opposed to going out with guys who are “handy”. Guess what?! So am I.. do you have a plan with what you’re going to do with your… Read more »
Parents are people too. Just like kids wish there parents
Were cooler, more “with it” or whatever, parnents wish their kids were more chsidish or successful based on their values.
I guess the key is don’t make it so obvious.
Thank you for your inspiring words. Now I need to change the script when I speak of my son in regards to a shidduch. How about this: One of sons who has a more modern orientation right now is going for his PhD at a top Univ in the States in Divinity Studies. This is quite remarkable considering he had a yeshiva background from the get-go.and a poor command of the English language. I am sure with his brilliance and perseverance, he will do wonders and be able to use his unique yeshiva background and give a fresh and different… Read more »
You’re so right! A mother recently told me that her son is chilled. He’s so not!
It’s the “but” when describing someone that sets the tone, as if who they are is a let down. My in laws are shluchim who described my husband in the same manner way back when. Chilled, working, trim beard and jeans. No mention of all the positives middos, like he actually is making a living, kind, davens and is willing to help out anyone at any given time no matter what the circumstances. Even our shadchan was surprised that they described their son in such a negative manner and realized it was their own insecurities/disappointments that caused them to describe… Read more »