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Thursday, 27 Adar I, 5784
  |  March 7, 2024

Can We Please Date Like Adults?

From the COLlive inbox: A bochur laments an outdated Shidduch practice in a time when singles are older and live casually. Full Story

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Other words
September 27, 2016 4:24 pm

I’m a 24 year old bochur and if I may say the way i feel about things. As a man I think in very concrete real terms, if you can’t quantify it, it doesn’t really exist. So what is each party investing in a meeting? The boy money, time. The girl, time Now you will say for a boy you throw on a suit and show up while a girl has to spend hours dressing and emotionally preparing herself. But as a man I don’t speak that language. So let’s say the date goes terrible, I walk out of there… Read more »

older bride
September 26, 2016 11:13 pm

There are a few thoughts I heard we are older. It’s too costly. Respect is respect. I feel he can’t decide what he wants to be. I think both people have to discuss what they want to do. If they want to meet or be picked up. The girl should be taken home You don’t have a car take a cab. This is your future wife show respect I’m sorry if it costs the guys money, that’s the way of the world. If he already thinks it’s not worth it. We are asked to date… Do you want a future?… Read more »

Dude, MARRIAGE is about THE OTHER PERSON GET OVER YOURSELF
September 26, 2016 2:38 pm

If it’s so annoying to date, why do it? You essentially summed up in your complaints why you don’t really want to get married. If someone told you that they had $1million waiting for you on the other end of town, but you gotta pick up their dry cleaning to get it, you would do it with a smile. Marriage brings the greatest riches in the world, and it is totally worth “trudging through the mud” of shidduchim to find the right one. The light is at the end of the tunnel bro, but you have to stay positive and… Read more »

Meet in a house
September 26, 2016 7:49 am

Meet in a house, if that’s not possible meet at a hotel etc but it’s definitely more kosher not to drive together. Driving causes lots of issues, the smallest of which is the cost involved.

Been there, done that
September 26, 2016 2:02 am

I met my husband at Starbucks for our first date. It’s was really nice, not stressful, really laid back energy. When we realized things were working out, he started picking me up in relatives cars for our dates (he’s not from CH). 13 years later, he is a wonderful provider and certainly not cheap when it comes to taking care of his wife and family.
This type of set up works well for some, and not for others. Chill out everyone!

#80
September 26, 2016 1:16 am

If the girl couldn’t figure out how to let the guy know that and which one she was in there are bigger problems.

I see both sides
September 25, 2016 11:18 pm

As a girl who married late, I can see Lazer’s POV, and I also understand those with a more traditional view. Main point: one must be a mensch, and follow halacha and ensure safety, whichever way one dates. Some guys are more comfortable behind the wheel than anywhere else, interestingly enough. Make sure to date in a variety of places and ways so you get to see different aspects of the person. After all, you won’t be spending your entire life together in the car. A favorite dating story of mine: a great-grandmother, head of a well-respected Lubavitcher family, told… Read more »

KUDOS TO YOU
September 25, 2016 7:53 pm

Why should he have to pick her up? Its wonderful if he does but if he doesnt, that doesnt mean hes lazy or disrespectful! I feel like there is way too much guy bashing going on. They are people too! Why are people saying that “he doesnt know how to treat a girl?” What about how the girl treats the boy? doesnt that count?

to all shadchanim
September 25, 2016 7:51 pm

Meeting in a house is tznius
Meeting in a car isn’t!

Retraction - Sorry
September 25, 2016 7:43 pm

I wrote a negative comment and when i re-read it i realized that i am simply being nasty for no good reason. I apologies. Lazer has a decent point of view. I think after weighing the pro”s and cons i would not agree with his assessment but it is not deserving of ridicule or getting personal – Sorry!!!

Rosh hashona
September 25, 2016 7:01 pm

It’s time for all singles to take on a hachlota for the coming year….so hashem will bring them thier zivug..
Happy new year!

Meet in a house
September 25, 2016 5:02 pm

There is a lot of pressure on the guy when you go out- his driving, choice of place… When you meet in a house it takes off the pressure, it’s practically free, you don’t have to meet others… Just sit at a table and talk. Many chassidishe boys insist on meeting in a house. And yes the house should be empty so no one listens in. I was told as long as door is unlocked and owners in town it’s not hi bud!

Hatzlocha raba
September 25, 2016 4:07 pm

I think you’re either out of touch, or too bruised and battered to care any more. Or maybe you just never learned the basic manners to begin with. But even dating in my 30s, the man who became my husband had enough sense to pick me up at the door and escort me home after. And the date didn’t cost $100 either. One CAN have coffee and use a car service round trip on the date, and take the bus or train to and from her house to work that out. Use your head. But I don’t think this is… Read more »

Just a thought.
September 25, 2016 3:29 pm

As an out of town older single myself, I can definitely understand the perspective of the author. For every effort and trip I make to date, costs me in the hundreds of dollars. It results in taking a few day off from work, flights, rental car, finding a place to stay etc. Yet, I do it happily. Although it sadly sometimes goes unappreciated in way that the girl needs to make time to “squeeze me in” her busy schedule. The effort should be reciprocated. But I degrees. While I somewhat agree with the way typical dating is done today, I… Read more »

Risk reward ratio
September 25, 2016 2:08 pm

The investment one has to make to come to a proper conclusion, when making one of the biggest life decisions might cost some money and self inconvenience for the convenience of the girl (and yes the car ride is one of them)

As to the word shtetl you used to make it seem that this idea is an old time yiddishe one, I wholly disagree and I think it’s a modern day guyishes outlook and its precisely this thinking that makes then so successful in high divorce rate

You can always meet in a house
September 25, 2016 2:05 pm

It was good enough for the Rebbe, you can also meet over a dining room table. Why not? Nobody’s rich here. Then after a few dates figure out other options, like a taxi to the park. A train to Cederhurst (there are lots of kosher cafes there) about $11 each way /person. Go to the Airport. There are lots of options- When you start with dates on the town, its bucks. Then there are tznius problems with car services at night. Not sure why people pooh pooh the train. Its certainly not a problem of tznius and you have an… Read more »

Single guy over 25
September 25, 2016 1:47 pm

To those that wrote thoughtfull comments TY for honestly and expressing yourself. If someone feel more comfortable datting in a “different” way that other may think is incorrect, then thats fine. Each of us are put on this world with different personalities and ways of thinking. Chances are that if you need the whole “conventional” dating process then your opposite needs it to. I personally think there is nothing wrong with going the way writer suggest. I personally feel that there is nothing incorrect with meeting someone after a days work without the whole pickup concept. At the end of… Read more »

Mike
September 25, 2016 1:45 pm

He has some points for the older crowd. being that I have a lot of friends who are parasites I can’t put my finger on it if he’s one of them that fall in that category it sure smells like it

Ridiculous comments
September 25, 2016 1:43 pm

Crown Heights Divas… He makes total sense. If someone is from out of town and does not have access to a car and is trying to use his time effectively spending half a day renting a car every couple of weeks or possibly days makes no sense. Especially if both are over 25 and presumably have dated quite a bit already – it is not only a complete waste of time and money, it’s just not necessary. Uber is probably cheaper and so much easier but clearly from the comments might be regarded as a total lack of respect –… Read more »

"why are we treating it like a sacred novelty"
September 25, 2016 1:39 pm

It is a sacred novelty.

SO TRUE!!!
September 25, 2016 1:22 pm

This is a very important view people must take into consideration. Yes it true it’d be nice to have a car and all, yet it becomes impractical and a person will be so much more hesitant to date is he would have to spend a fortune of resources for something that would actually be better without in many situations!
Thank you for voicing your opinion Lazer.

To sum this up
September 25, 2016 1:10 pm

If this girl is immature and feels that she needs this car and glamor from the CH fantasy book on ever single date then obviously they arent for each other – I am older guy in the same boat! And totally agree with the author – many comments show that they don’t understand what he is writing! I have been in dates that we both work in the city so after work we met up! We both saved 5hrs!!! And stress getting back to CH me going Crazy to find a car then driver her back to the city ..parking… Read more »

Dating
September 25, 2016 12:33 pm

To 79. That is why one uses a shadchen…. the idea of parents meeting him is not part of the setup…. they will naturally form an opinion…in 5 minutes!! … why has no one mentioned the Rebbe’s guidiance in “Eternal Joy” ??? THAT is the root of this whole problem !

It's only logical
September 25, 2016 12:13 pm

Most of these comments come from an emotional reaction.

Nothing wrong with what he stated. He is just being logical.

WTH
September 25, 2016 11:40 am

” but if its a whole production just for the first date, many of my friends just don’t want to bother.”

So dont bother! You aint doing anyone a favor. And PS try keep the ego down a notch. Or five.

CH Homeowner
September 25, 2016 10:01 am

And I know someone who was instructed by the fellow to meet him at such-and-such Starbucks. Problem was, there were actually two Starbucks very near each other. So the girl ended up having to wander from one to the other, looking for someone she had never met. Uncomfortable? Of course.

I disagree
September 25, 2016 9:58 am

I think that no matter if you’re 18 or 25, your parents have the right after raising you and caring for you to meet the boy when he picks you up for first date. It doesn’t have to be a half hour farher but if the parents want it, it’s their call. In today’s crazy world parents want to get a glimpse of the stranger..yes he’s a stranger even if they did research..it’s their perogative. Why change the way things were done for years? I do think that on subsequent dates it’s more okay. If he can’t deal either meeting… Read more »

TOTALLY AGREE!!!!
September 25, 2016 9:39 am

The car ride is a-w-k-w-a-r-d. I actually know of the opposite situation- girl asked to meet somewhere and was looked at askance by shadchan and boy.

A girl who agrees
September 25, 2016 9:31 am

He’s not mistreating anyone if he meets her somewhere. He is making sense and speaking with integrity which as a date is appreciated.

To 40
September 25, 2016 8:24 am

It is not a problem of yichud because people outside of the car xan see into the car. Even by night!
So before you say anything like that again, make sure you actually LEARNED the halachos before you say things like that again.

Huh? Casual dating?
September 25, 2016 8:09 am

Isn’t the whole idea of the way we do shiduchim in our world that we don’t meet casually? I thought the whole point is that we are on a sacred quest to meet our bashert. I am certainly not going to judge this bochur because I have no idea what it’s like to be asked to put in that kind of effort when the past few years have been a disappointing and frustrating blur of failed shiduchim. At the same time, if we stop investing in our dates once we hit a certain age, and start letting our past experiences… Read more »

This is 39 responding to 49
September 25, 2016 6:02 am

No I did not. I’m just ready to listen to the guy and believe him instead of bashing hin like everyone else is. By the all the bashing must stop! You could be damaging him for a looong time. Yes, maybe he shouldn’t have written the article but now that he did – give him a break!

Hhhmmm
September 25, 2016 6:00 am

I Would want to pick her up inorder to see what kind of house and car she has

Are u all joking?
September 25, 2016 5:49 am

What?? Having him pick me up from outside my house?? And have all the nosy neighbours peering in?? You must be joking!!

WHO CARES. IT'S MINOR DETAILS, AND UP TO YOU!
September 25, 2016 5:14 am

What is everyone getting worked up for minor details! It all depends on how practical it is. And agree 100% with # 47, I feel the same. If it’s the first date for a young bochur he might not be up to driving a stranger, which could make it hard to “break the ice” . Or he feels better take a taxi. Or if up to it on the first date to drive himself. If they’re over 25 years he probably dated a few before and therefore you don’t want to put him off that he’s required to drive her… Read more »

don't understand...
September 25, 2016 4:20 am

I thought the bochur refrains from picking up the girl at her home because, for the most part, dates are scheduled to begin at an hour when there is a lot of street traffic and both the girl and the bochur aren’t interested in becoming the talk of the town, their date discussed by every passing yenteh,or male equivalent thereof. Unless both parties work at locations that are in close proximity to each other, and both agree for the sake of expediency to meet directly after work without going home, it seems rude not to meet the girl/woman a short… Read more »

Mature
September 25, 2016 4:05 am

I think Lazer has written a mature article – and really wish him all the mazel in the world to find his Basherrt. Agree with no.58 – sounds like number 29 is definately worth considering. Good luck and don’t forget to let us know the good news b’ezras Hashem soon. כתיבה וחתימה טובה לשנה טובה ומתוקה. Moshiach Now

Communication
September 25, 2016 3:22 am

Just have the shadchan ask the girl what she is comfortable with – it’s the shadchan asking and not the bochur – if she’s ok meeting at the place. The shadchan should make the arrangements the first time.

D L
September 25, 2016 3:20 am

It is not safe. And if you’re looking for a throwback to the good old days, there was no way that the girl would meet up with the guy at the kretchme. You want the olden days? Go meet up in someone’s house and have tea and cake. It works.
There are rental companys with rental rates for dates and there’s no need to break the bank. Go to a hotel and sit.

Starbucks Has Water
September 25, 2016 3:05 am

I’m under 25 and much rather meet at the location. Since when is it a good idea to be in a car together. Go to the location you’ll be able to leave on your own too and it’s so much easier. Sadly the world i dated in the guys all want to go somewhere you drive to and pick you up to feel so macho. It’s adorable. Go meet at Starbucks. Go on a 5 min date. Stop wasting so much time and money. If you have common goals keep talking until you find unsolvable differences. And yes everything counts… Read more »

A SHADCHAN
September 25, 2016 2:34 am

I’m a Shadchan with lots of experience. I understand this Bochur . Many of the Bochurim in his age Bracket have spent over $10,000 on dating. So there’s nothing wrong if o the first date they agree to meet somewhere. At the same time if they return late he should make sure she gets home safe and secure.

31 year old single male
September 25, 2016 2:28 am

First of all, I want to congratulate those of you that took the time to write out articulate and assertive comments.. I often despair of the chabad community when reading the comments. I never dated in the traditional shiduch sense, I am really turned off by the thought of meeting a girl for the first time by picking her up. I dont live in NY etc although I visit often. Both parties can uber / lyft it.. both can drive to the destination.. take a train.. I am a mentch and a gentleman.. chivalry isnt dead.. you just all have… Read more »

yes
September 25, 2016 2:20 am

This is not a bad idea, its a nice alternative, refreshing. First dates tend to be awkward enough…not to mention a half hour car ride before! Of course, this is only if both parties agree.

TO 40
September 25, 2016 1:59 am

when majority of people say TO PICK HER UP
you come like am haaretz and state (not even questioning it) that is a yichud problem!!!!

dating like adults
September 25, 2016 1:30 am

the first and most important step we should take towards dating as adults is finding or creating ways for young men and women to meet in natural settings.

second time around
September 25, 2016 12:32 am

I understand that today’s world is constantly changing, but seriously, don’t all girls want a gentleman?
Some things just don’t go out of style, they are classic and I for one, would be totally turned off a guy who told me to meet him somewhere.
Showing respect, being a gentleman, dating a girl / lady, be a mentch and pick her up EVEN if you have to rent or borrow a car.
Please, don’t take away the good classic rules.

To 40
September 25, 2016 12:13 am

Where did you fall from?!? Think you should learn the laws before commenting..

hmm..
September 24, 2016 11:46 pm

Maybee someone can red a shiddach between #29 and the auther

Pre arranged place
September 24, 2016 11:41 pm

Totally agree with this idea. Would have made the beginning of my first date with my husband a lot less awkward. To the OP -those who NEED to be picked up to prove this guy has absolute devotion and care – don’t bother dating them. Girls take into account other people’s opinions and feelings too. Stop acting like we are some species that must be treated a certain way all the time. Learn to roll with the punches. If you want to be treated as an equal please act like one. You know you are special yay now try to… Read more »

of two minds
September 24, 2016 11:27 pm

On the one hand, this writer’s tone either doesn’t serve him well. On the other hand, is there anything more awkward than that initial car meeting and drive to the place? The way home is already different. I can definitely see hte advantage in meeting there. On the other hand, you can often tell a lot about a guy from the way he drives. It can also be hard for women in heels to take public transport and do a lot of standing, waiting, walking etc. To minimize the car awkwardness, dating locally works well, ime. There are plenty of… Read more »

Short dating!
September 24, 2016 11:16 pm

From the comments it seems that people plan on dating for years!!!!!
Hopefully u did some research to see if this is a potentiol match, and now u r going out to see and feel, if u can build a JEWISH home together!!

AND HOPEFULLY THIS IS UR BASHERT!!!

Im mentioning this becsuse it seems that people scheduled dating as part of their life as opposed to a bridge to a more mesningful and important life!!

First Date is not a date!
September 24, 2016 11:06 pm

The first date is not a date, it’s the first meeting In the secular world you first meet someone THEN you ask them out on a date. Therefor you need to show the girl that you care about her. In our circles since you don’t know the person can you really call it a date?! Since it’s not a date should you really put on a show that doesn’t show that you care about her rather that you care about what the social norms are and what show you have to put on? I agree with the Author that it’s… Read more »

i dont get it
September 24, 2016 11:04 pm

why can he just ask the shadchan which way she prefers. if she wants to get picked up, go that route. we do things to be courteous, to others, particularly on a date.

Rabbanim
September 24, 2016 11:00 pm

I think this is for the rabbanim to decide. No point in everyone stating their own opinions.

Car
September 24, 2016 10:56 pm

Most bachurim don’t have a driving license.

disagree
September 24, 2016 10:54 pm

whats wrong with treating dating sacred? you are trying to find your bashert and build your future which should be sacred!
if you don’t want to make a big production out of dating then pick up the girl and take her for coffee.
picking up a girl is not a concept of shtetl its the gentleman thing to do. in the world when a guy picks up a girl from her house he sometimes buys her flowers

To 39
September 24, 2016 10:50 pm

You must have fallen from the moon…..

Ari
September 24, 2016 10:31 pm

I am a very happily married guy who married as an older single, but as a bochur managed to borrow a car for almost every single date. That said, it is impractical to rent a car every time a bochur needs to date. Firstly, the drive to and from the car rental place can take an additional hour or two, which a working bochur doesn’t have. Secondly, even if he can rent a car in CH, it will still cost $60 to rent the car. A taxi is even more expensive and can cost $120 a night. Now, you will… Read more »

A bochur
September 24, 2016 10:24 pm

I personally feel very uncomfortable meeting for the first time a girl I’ve never seen before.. in a car.
I would ask (just for the first date) to meet at the date location and then drive her back home of course 🙂
nothing to do with money…

Good Point
September 24, 2016 10:23 pm

Why need a car at all? Why can’t they meet at someone’s home in CH for first date? That’s how it is done in Williamsburg and other communities and it works fine.

You all got it wrong
September 24, 2016 10:21 pm

The author is correct but for a different reason. The whole concept of dating is a modern idea. Years ago and still today in some communities, potential mates meet in a house. Dating is only one way of meeting your potential. There is no written or accepted rule except for what is done in the secular world. And we all know the success rate of marriage in the secular world. Dating is definitely an accepted option for meeting your potential Zivug. But we don’t have to follow every rule that’s been written by the secular world. We are allowed to… Read more »

From the girls mother
September 24, 2016 10:07 pm

Dear bochur If this is the way you choose to begin your relationship please don’t do it with my daughter. Or niece. Or friends daughter or anyone else’s daughter If it’s too big a deal to pick her up from her house (we won’t get into the problem of not walking in ) how could I expect you to care for her in the future? Or for your kids? You would probably tell them it’s not a big deal if your stuck or the car broke down or there is five feet of snow outside…I’m busy working. This is a… Read more »

agree
September 24, 2016 10:06 pm

I think the negative comments are because people are missing the point.I think it’s about being more casual,more informal,less stressful!!

girls are complicated
September 24, 2016 10:04 pm

On one hand they claim absolute independence and get upset when they are considered to be weak creatures. And yet, they call it “nasty” when they aren’t chauffeured by their date!
Confusing.

If you don't have money, a car, whatever....
September 24, 2016 9:58 pm

I went on a date with an out of town bochur from a wealthy family who was living in crown heights and over 25 who took a car service instead of renting a car. He was being responsible, and caring making sure not to offend someone else. and not wasting time and money! It didn’t work out but I have no complaints. And I’m happily married!!

Halacha
September 24, 2016 9:56 pm

To take a girl in you car is a yichud problem…

To all the people calling him cheap...
September 24, 2016 9:50 pm

He wrote that it’s not about the money!!

Pedant
September 24, 2016 9:37 pm

It is not reasonable for a first date to cost more than 100$.

You are absolutely correct but it’s about supply and demand and there are probably women out there who will insist on the type of men for whom this type of expense is a no brainer. Unless that is you, and maybe even if that is you, you don’t want that woman.

Renting a car for a first date is absurd. A cab is more than sufficient. If you wish to be chivalrous, send the car.

Sunflower state
September 24, 2016 9:32 pm

My sons did not have cars they always used a car service but the money was wort it to find their beshert

Kabakov
September 24, 2016 9:31 pm

Back in my day there was no Kabakov. It wasn’t easy getting a car, but I managed to get a car for every date. Today bochurim have it easy.

AN interesting point
September 24, 2016 9:31 pm

The author makes an interesting point, but needs to learn a thing or two about communication, hopefully before he gets married. I understand not wanting to rent a car for a first date. I get not wanting to invest too much,, but the fact remains that there is a way to explain yourself and say this so that you are respected rather than ridiculed.

Huh? Really?
September 24, 2016 9:27 pm

You are rude, detached & insensitive! If this is the lack of effort you put into a date dare not imagine the lack of effort you’ll put into a marriage! You just can’t be bothered!
You need a reality check!!!

A veteran bochur
September 24, 2016 9:26 pm

I’ve dated many girls. Still don’t know where you’re coming from… It’s it’s just a coffee and you both agree that’s fine. But seriously man, Make her feel special.

Manners
September 24, 2016 9:25 pm

If the bachur doesn’t pick up the girl by car how will she know if he has the proper manners to hold the car door open for her?

Misplaced priorities...on your Self
September 24, 2016 9:19 pm

Yedid, stop putting your ikur and definition of yourself based on how all your past dates went, on money you will have to sacrifice, rental car details, and all kinds of other distractions (read “shtuyot”). This is Amalek trying to confuse you. Please just focus on the needs of the girl and embrace her… and make her feel that way. Be heimisch and a chosid – and make the girl feel like she is the only one and protected. Take care of her neshoma – she is not a “date”. She is the future mother of your children bH. So… Read more »

LISTEN TO WHAT HE SAID!
September 24, 2016 9:01 pm

He is 25, she is 25! They are both living their lives. Some people at that age and not married just laze around. Even though they are older an working on shidduchim, they are getting their life ahead! As a result, it can be that it is more difficult for him to pick her up, both practically and emotionally (the later to which the comments are picking on). Don’t forget the bigger picture.

hmm interesting
September 24, 2016 9:00 pm

I’m a girl over the age of 25 and I actually see this guys point. Personally I hate the awkward meeting you for the first time in a car ride where the guy is focusing on the street and not on you anyway. Id rather ride the subway have a chance to compose myself somewhat and walk into a cafe with a guy waiting for me at a table and meet for the first time like that. i would not however want to ride home alone when the hour is late…. also sounds like this guy doesnt enjoy conventional dating.… Read more »

Shocked 2
September 24, 2016 8:58 pm

And for the people who are talking about money and him not wanting to spend the money now and bla bla, most of the community lives beyond their means and in debt! So good for him !

Shocked
September 24, 2016 8:57 pm

I am shocked at how people are responding ! I am a woman and I think his points are very valid. I agree that she doesn’t have to go home alone, and I don’t think that his point is about spending the money. I am totally ok with meeting some place on a date and not having him pick me up. This is pure nonsense.

Frum world
September 24, 2016 8:56 pm

In the modern world People 25 and older, are stable and could get to a date on their own. Not sure why in the frum world, there are so much emphasis given on the guy being a chauffeur

To the author
September 24, 2016 8:56 pm

Sorry you are not ready for marriage.

In a marriage you need to be ready to give, give and give some more.

true
September 24, 2016 8:54 pm

a lot of really great guys hardly date (“meet” whatever people call it) cause the whole thing has become so ridiculous, pretty much from a to z, they either figure it out on their own or busy themselves with something else…

Kevin
September 24, 2016 8:49 pm

Besides for the fact that my now wife drove me on many of our dates. This writer seems (sadly) lazy and either should be dating outside the shidduch system or quickly get on board.

Israelis do like this
September 24, 2016 8:47 pm

I dated girls in Israel and NY
In Israel, we met at a pre arranged spot.
much better and less stressful.

Totally agree
September 24, 2016 8:43 pm

I’m a girl and totally agree! It’s also stressful for us to be picked up and have to sit in a car and do small talk. So much easier if we just meet at a specific place and sit down and talk. I actually was set up once and had access to a car and specifically arranged to drive to the location itself and meet him there. Worked out great. I’m still single. But that’s totally not my point. Point is, I agree. We’re older, more independent. And so much less awkward to just arrange a meeting place and call… Read more »

cold winter
September 24, 2016 8:41 pm

It’s about respect to boy how would you like it if girl came in work dress to your date very bad that is how she feels like if you don’t pick her up and take her home and you are showing how you are going to take care of her you are a selfish person I urge you not to date anyone until you learn some basic training in respecting people

Once again, this is a personal choice
September 24, 2016 8:39 pm

As a girl in shidduchim (so much fun by the way! /s), I’ve met people at the date locations, picked THEM up from their houses, basically everything most people would faint from horror.
And yes, people thought I was crazy. But the person that I will eventually choose to marry? He won’t. And if someone thinks that this is nuts, it’s a good way to know if they’re for you or not.
So, Lazer, keep on going with your method. You’ll find a girl that’s cool with it, and that’s what YOU need.

class A jerk
September 24, 2016 8:36 pm

can you sign your name? so we never waste each others time?

With you!!!!
September 24, 2016 8:30 pm

If your old enough to have a children you can also make these decisions! It makes no difference what age. This is by the way how it’s done in Israel. Move on not every girl needs to fill like a million dollars. The ones that is doesn’t need all the waste of…. And second of all the shadchan should only pass on info and help when possible not decide things… Everyone is different

Dude
September 24, 2016 8:27 pm

I’m going to tell u this once and thats it – grow up already!!

This is AMAZING!
September 24, 2016 8:22 pm

Dude, this is so true. I feel the same way exactly and think it is absolutely ridiculous. Especially in New York where no one has a car to expect a bochur to spend 100s of dollars in the first date when the girl can end it after just one date is absurd. (Plus add travel costs if the guy doesnt live near the girl) Its just way too much

Learn how to treat a girl
September 24, 2016 8:19 pm

You got take care of her. That’s your job. If you don’t gethink that, you’re quite immature.

A girl
September 24, 2016 8:17 pm

This is ridiculous. I wouldnt date a guy like you. Trust me. It is very stressful for us girls too. Were also not sure a first date will work out. But we still make an effort and make sure we look nice, and it does take a long time sometimes (it just does)…not to mention the emotional part before a date… The least you can do is be a mentch, pick her up and make sure she gets there safe. From your article it doesnt sound like you are ready for this. And no girl will apretiate dating a guy… Read more »

Agree
September 24, 2016 8:13 pm

I have to say i agree with the author. as a girl in shidduchim, it is very upsetting to do something that does not necessarily show on what kind of spouse you will be because “thats the rule”. everyone should do what works for them AS LONG AS IT DOES NOT COMPROMISE ON TORAH VALUES OR ANOTHER’S SAFETY

$$$$
September 24, 2016 8:06 pm

If you don’t want to spend money on her now….then you are giving her the message that you are cheap and won’t spend money on her later. Just think about that….
Good luck!

Single
September 24, 2016 8:05 pm

i agree with the Author, unless its someone you know who they are and asked to date them.. but if its a random date and your over 25 no need to pick her up..

RESPECT
September 24, 2016 8:02 pm

Be a MAN and pick her up from her house…..man.. u sure have some nerve..

Lazy...
September 24, 2016 8:01 pm

Too lazy for decent grammar. Too lazy to pick up your date. I see a pattern.

Way off
September 24, 2016 7:51 pm

Author of article has a thing or two to learn about life and being a mentch. You have zero clue how to treat a girl
Your attitude is scary

THE LOSS OF OUR MORAL COMPASS
September 24, 2016 4:18 pm

ACTUALLY THE WAY IT SHOULD BE DONE ON THE FIRST MEETING IS THAT THE SHADCHAN DROPS OFF THE GIRL WHERE THE BOCHUR IS WAITING.

israel do it like this
September 24, 2016 3:36 pm

‘but in Rome we do what the Romans do ‘…

agreed but lets not get carried away!
September 24, 2016 1:49 pm

good point, and thoroughly agree, however, let’s not get too laid back, like telling the young lady, that the shidduch is not going to work out after a few dates by way of a text message or on What’s App! -surely this response is over the top!!!
.

Ummm
September 24, 2016 1:01 pm

You need a wake up call and a good one. Doesn’t matter how much it costs, you need to give it your all and show the girl you are interested in giving it a chance and trying. Your attitude is a turn off- nothing even happened yet and you’re already being cheap??

No car...
September 24, 2016 6:04 am

Would you still make sure to drop the girl at home after the date? I know many girls who are happy to walk at night alone. But truth is, it’s not safe! So if they are on a date and you decide the modern approach. Make sure to walk them home afterwards!!!

Ok dude
September 23, 2016 9:30 pm

Grow up! If you couldnt meet the first expectation, she obviously wasnt a match for you.

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