Dear mothers and daughters,
How wonderful and challenging it is when we realize that our daughters are ready for a shidduch. It can be daunting to begin this new phase of life: Shadchanim, resumes, research, shidduchim meetings, what to wear, how to go about it, etc.
After you get through all of that, with the help and grace of the Aibishter, you then have to organize a l’chaim, and start planning a wedding, with all the details that entails.
Yes, this can be a daunting, yet wonderful time of life….
Of course, first things first: Set a date for the wedding. Calls are made, calendars are consulted, experts may be called upon for advice, and halls have to be reserved.
In Crown Heights, reservation of the hall is one of the urgent first calls to make after the Ohel and official announcement of the engagement.
Well, dear mothers and daughters, there is another important call you need to make right away! No matter where you live, or where the wedding will be held: Organize and arrange Kallah Classes!
At The Taharas Hamishpacha Organization/Mikvah.org, we get calls all the time from kallahs who need to arrange their kallah classes, at the last moment…we get calls from kallahs who are getting married in two or three weeks and need classes!
Many are working, or in school, with tight schedules and/or returning to their out of town homes to finish preparing for their weddings and they need to squeeze all their classes into two or three weeks or even less. We are hearing this from every kallah teacher as well.
So much goes into preparing for the wedding. So much focus goes to the physical and material aspects of the wedding and getting married. It is crucial to realize that there is spiritual preparation that needs to be taken care of.
“It is important that chassan and kallah be occupied in the spiritual preparations for marriage, as these preparations are vitally important to the young couple for the rest of their lives,” the Rebbe writes (Igros Kodesh, Vol. XII, p. 315).
These spiritual preparations include learning and studying the many halachos of Taharas Hamishpacha that are required for marriage.
The study of these halachos requires someone skilled and experienced in teaching them. There are several classes required, to cover the proper halachos and hashkafos of these vital lessons.
There are kallah teachers who teach groups of kallahs at a time, and those who teach only one on one classes. However, in either case, enough time needs to be allowed to ensure a kallah can take these classes in a relaxed manner, conducive to learning and absorbing this important knowledge.
We ask each of you, please think about the spiritual well-being of your daughter. Think about the absolute importance and significance of the new life into which she is about to embark.
Do research before-hand, talk to other mothers, other kallahs and have a list of kallah teachers ready to contact so that when your daughter becomes a kallah, you are ready and able to make that important call and reserve the necessary time for her to prepare properly and well.
The Mazel Tov is not just about the dress, the shaitel and the apartment. It is about a binyan adai ad and equipping your daughter with the tools needed to build that foundation….
Wishing you all simchas and besuros tovos!
Your friends at Mikvah.org
When I got married, well over 25 years ago, I had no idea that my Kallah teacher should be paid! No one ever mentioned it. Granted, I was poor, but I would have taken care of it somehow if I’d known. Thank you for bringing this to my attention, albeit very belatedly!
you are so right!!!
on top of this there are so many Rebbe’s stories of couple
who couldn’t have children and the Rebbe ask them if they have
paid schadchanut gelt
Thank you number 12! I made a shidduch over 10yrs ago. I was the only shadchan involved. The kallahs mother who made an issue over paying me also wasn’t happy about the kallah class fee. The other bills she understood had to be paid. The amount of emotional pain I went through made me wish it has been another shadchan .
As a young married woman I can tell you from my own experience. When I was engaged and heard about how much kalla classes cost I too was surprised and definitely didn’t have extra money to spend on it. Yet just like all the other expenses o a wedding I had to come up with it and certainly this isn’t an area of marriege to be cheap on. After I got married I understood full well why kalla classes cost what they do. It is not just a series of 3 – 4 hr classes 6-9 times. My kalla teacher… Read more »
is there a list of ppl that teach kalah classes???
thanks!
You really have a certain sense to combine the lack of realizing what is taking place, plus a sense of entitlement.
you for some reason won’t ask for food for free, and you do not contemplate minimizing the guest list, but you will complain about the cost of the classes.
more so consider this: this is a lifetime issue, not a one night event.
more so we are talking about giving over the most important things, and you believe that it should be done for free.
and yes go back to the old times, and see the disaster that ensued.
The days which it was “free” were days that’s many kallos walked out not even understanding what’s going on. Nowadays the sheer amount of energy and time deserves every dollar. I can’t even believe you have the audacity to complain they should do it for free, especially for the service they provide, going late into the night, ensuring our daughters feel ready emotionally, spiritually to be Yiddishe wives. We all have to scrape. But like someone well mentioned, when it comes to physical things, no one is demandi “the photographer should do it free of charge…”??!!
dont forget chossen classes too
Here’s another perspective, from the kallah teacher’s husband: Look at it this way; the fee you are paying is for me, not for my wife. Every time my wife tells me that she has a new kallah to teach, I know that I am giving up hours of our personal time together, hours that I will need to watch the kids while my wife is teaching, times that I will need to get supper ready, times that the phone will ring practically in the middle of the night because the kallah has an issue, etc. etc. So, if it helps,… Read more »
Why should it be free? Most generous people volunteer on occasion. No one volunteers as a job. Unless you have money coming down to you from the heavens. .
Beautifully written and so crucial!!
Thank you to the amazing kallah teachers who put in heart and soul to teach our young daughters the halachos and tools for life. Your dedication and work build the Jewish homes of our holy nation.
And marriage is supposed to be forever. Too many people get into marriages within proper guidance on how to be married. It’s not just a set of steps to follow, marriage is very psychological. I know that most men are definitely not taught about marriage beforehand. As for being paid for ruchniyus job, I have done plenty of construction work for people who didn’t want to pay in full because they prefer to receive things for free. If they are owed money, they will make a big fuss but to pay… it’s not important to them. Paying for products or… Read more »
i agree with everything the author said about the importance of kallah classes. can not be overstated. Another thing though, is the importance of paying the shadchan. They say that shadchanus is the most kosher money, since it is money that was come by honestly. This is not something that is said about any other money in the world! It is vital for a segulah for sholom bayis and having healthy children. We spend so lavishly on frivolous things, on important things, and somehow this one thing often gets pushed till the end, and parents say, sorry, the wedding took… Read more »
I’m shocked .. so clueless . I have a daughter of marrigable age and had no idea that kallah classes today are at a fee. 25 years ago we have the teacher a gift as a thank you.
Too many couples today are being extremely lenient with ALL aspects of taharas hamishpacha…Perhaps if we teach them what’s ikur and what’s extra-frum…they would at least be careful with the main mitzvahs. kallah teachers please know your kallahs, whom you should teach which chumrahs and which should be taught the halachos more stringently.
you can save a lot of heartache, arguments between husband and wife and still insure the birth of holy neshomos
Certainly all can understand the difficulties of the expenses of making a chasunah and all that is involved emotionally and financially. Generations past, mothers taught their daughters. This was handed down mother to daughter for centuries. Today, our girls need more. They need the hashkafa that will strengthen them to keep this vital mitzvah with joy. A kallah teacher devotes hours and hours and hours of time to preparing and teaching your kallah. She then give of herself to be available pretty much any time your kallah needs advice, help, encouragement, shailos, etc down the line for as long as… Read more »
It’s true that classes are more expensive then before. But please remember 2 things: 1) You spend THOUSANDS of dollars on a wedding celebration that will last approx 6 hrs. Although we try to get the best price on pictures, caterer, flowers, music, etc. there is a basic price that is non-negotiable and we know that we can’t haggle on that price. The professional says that that is his final price for his services. Yet when it comes to Kallah classes, something that will last the kallah for her LIFE, (not just for 6 hrs of a day), we want… Read more »
Please are so concerned with what a girl wears etc etc
How about the boys. How about now those boys going to Uman how about their Tzinius
How about midos tovus. How about honesty. How about treating everyone in the exact way one wants to be treated
In summation how about yiddshkeit ????
Its also important for the kallah or choson teacher to make a clear distinction between what is Halocha and what is a minhog or hashkofo i have heard of many times the choson and kallah tend to argue over what is right and wrong simply because the teacher was trying to be very frum at the expense of the student, the teachers should make it very clear regarding what it says in shulchon aruch, to what the teachers things should be proper conduct of husband and wife, dont confuse the young minds in to thinking that its all Halocha.
Way before your daughter is ready to think about being a Kallahs, teach her the halachos and hashkafos of tznius. It’s critical for her spiritual happiness. Just look up what our Rebbe taught about this.
Weddings are arranged in such a short time after the engagement
One needs the time for the learning. Hachonos for a Chassono deserves time. May we all have much Nachas from eh binyan adedi ad. A Shono Tovo Umesuko to all
Thank you so much for bringing up this ever so important
issue.
My daughter and son in law also met with the Rov..as a general meeting…
( also to maybe inquire with the Rov regarding fasting…please do..will save much heartache…
Perhaps, all Chosen and Kallah could be suggested/asked to meet with the Rov.
May we share only Simchas.
You are right, that it’s a number one thing for a kallah, but I feel terribly sorry that this has become a business. Years ago, people gave of their time to have the zchus to teach others these very important halachos. Now kallos have to pay hundreds of dollars. Money is tight for most people making weddings and anyone who is even lacking slightly in their yiras shomayim is very tempted to just forgo the whole thing. Such classes should be offered for free, so that each and every person can afford to attend them! I married off a few… Read more »