By Shimona Tzukernik – thekabbalahcoach.com
Have you noticed that more people are dating more often – yet marrying less and less often? And even when they do tie the knot they’re divorcing sooner and more frequently? What’s driving this phenomenon – one which has reached such proportions to have garnered the term “singles crisis” in some circles?
True story: I have a friend who was approaching the age of 35 way faster than she preferred. When she met someone, she’d call it off after the first or second date.
In listening to her, I strongly felt this was because she was comparing whomever she was with to an imaginary Prince Facebook!
I advised her to take a “Social Media Time Out” and let others know she was seriously looking to get married and to only date men who were also looking to marry suggested to her by friends or matchmakers.
She met her soul mate within 4 months.
I’m not saying this is a miracle solution that will deliver you to the marriage canopy in under half a year.
I am saying that our problem today is an overabundance of choice. We’re overwhelmed with too many options, comparing a prospect to a figment of our imagination and are convinced that the perfect partner is just a click away.
The Virtual Reality Problem
Not so very long ago, the average person encountered far fewer potential soul mates in their lifetime. Today our pool of potential partners spans not only the village but across continents. In some way, the internet has made any person with a cellphone accessible.
Evidence declares that the huge pool of availability which comes to us through the web and specifically social media is not only not improving dating but is detrimental to it. More significantly it is detrimental to moving dating forward to marriage.
At the risk of appearing to commercialize marriage, here’s an analogy from the world of sales. I have a friend who recently sold a multi-million dollar company. Over dinner she shared something on how she and her husband had displayed their wares.
“People want to feel that they’re making an intelligent decision. So you have to give them a choice. But if you give them too much choice, they think, ‘Um, not sure. I’ll come back tomorrow.’ And they walk out. No sale.
Imagine you walk into a Dollar Store to buy a new tube of toothpaste and there are three different brands. You read the labels, weigh the options, make your choice and walk out feeling good about your decision. You’re walking out as every ‘informed consumer should.’
Now picture the same scenario, except this time when you walk into the store there are twenty different kinds of toothpaste. With tooth whitener and without, cinnamon, mint, fluoride enhanced… You know what I’m talking about. You stare at the options for a couple minutes. Without realizing it, you’re overwhelmed by the choices. You look at your watch, decide you don’t have time for this right now and that you’ll come back later. You walk out of the store dazed – and sans toothpaste.
Albeit buying a tube of toothpaste is about as far a cry from choosing a soul mate as East from West, I do think this sales principle can be applied to dating and marriage. It touches on how Social Media is ruining our relationships. Surfing the web renders individuals cheaper by the dozen. They’re one of not hundreds or thousands but of millions. There is always the next person, always the potential of the more exotic woman, the more thrilling man. And as a result of so much choice we’re paralyzed. We walk out of the dating arena without a mate intending to come back next time.
The tragedy of this is that we’re buying in to is that because of the unspoken promise that social media intimates, everyone is available to us whereas in truth they are not.
Furthermore, were we to actually meet them, in all likelihood we’d dismiss a future with them. We think there are many more partners available to us than there actually are or we’d actually be interested in them had we met them in real life.
We’re rejecting a real possible relationship driven by magical thinking that keeps us holding out for a virtual panacea. And then given the superficiality of the gossamer web, even when we do meet up with someone in real time and real life, they’re not necessarily aligned with the kind of person we’re looking to marry and partner with in living our purpose. And we default back to our consumer overload magical thinking.
The Solution: Work Backwards
I recommend beginning with the end in mind. Take a step back from the problem and think about why we get married in the first place. Go ahead, ask yourself right now: Why do I want to get married? Is it financial support? To have a partner with whom to share the ups and downs of life? Is it to have kids? Remember, your marriage will only be as deeply rooted as the reasons you have for going into it.
According to Kabbalah, marriage is not “just” about having a partner and it’s not even “just” about having children. Marriage is the “space” in our lives where our higher purpose becomes manifest. It is the context through which we create meaning – not just self-defined goals but meaning that is in alignment with our Creator’s desires for humanity.
Once you redefine your goal and remember what marriage truly is, your pool of potential soul mates naturally and dramatically narrows. The cold and refreshing truth is that there aren’t that many people with whom you want to create a family or live your higher purpose.
With this in mind, sit back and look at the big picture. Ask yourself a couple of important questions: What am I creating and why am I creating it? When I look back on my life what do I want to have created by the time I’m eighty? Your answers are a guide to the kind of person you’re looking for.
Envy aside, taking a “Social Media Time Out” will open you up to your life on the ground. It’s the only one you have to live. Consciously work on not only refining your definition of whom you’re looking for in a soul mate but on removing yourself from an overstocked Walmart shelf mentality.
I suggested to the 35-year-old gal I mentioned earlier that as long as she insisted on a large number of men to choose from, not even one could fit through her front door. You don’t need everyone. You only need your one.
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For over twenty years Shimona has shared her wisdom on a range of topics with tens of thousands of people across the globe. People consistently thank her for “the lecture of a lifetime.” When asked what’s motivated her to travel and meet with audiences across America, Canada, England, South Africa, France, Israel, Australia, Germany, Argentina, Brazil and beyond for over twenty years, she smiles and says, “A passionate desire to give each person access to the innermost wellspring of wisdom. To reveal the map of who they truly are! So that each individual can flourish beyond what they’ve dared dream for themselves and manifest the wondrous joy, beauty and light of our world.”
Baruch Hashem, my bashert, whom I met more than 30 years ago, is into ‘Facebook.” He has his head in the books, the seforim – chitas, Rambam, sichos. He realizes the other Facebook which he once had is a real waste of time and isn’t for our Lubavitch ‘kups.’ Our face belongs in the real books, the seforim; it is a huge waste of time, and one does not need to resort to this way of finding his/her bashert. Perhaps if the people who found their spouse on Facebook would have connected to friends who would connect to their friends… Read more »
I think the whole picture system and FB allows people to search up what the other half looks like makes us no difference to the non-religious world. A boy sees a girl or a girl sees a boy and likes what they see, so they date. It bases the start of the whole relationship on appearance. However if a couple meet without seeing a picture of each other first, it could be that if the guy/girl saw a picture at the outset they would never have agreed to go out but since they didn’t they go on with the first… Read more »
And we are happily married.
I can boil this writers issue down to a simple point… shidduchims parnassah are at stake…
I met my wife on Facebook.
As usual, very perceptive and meaningful. Thank you for taking the time to write this up!
Thank you, I love this!
I didn’t say you’re in denial about the dangers of social media.
I said you’re in denial if you think your kids can’t get ensnared. And I stand by that statement.
You’d do well to make sure your rose colored glasses (as it pertains to what you think are “Immune families”) are actually clear glasses that see real roses, as opposed to fake pictures that obstruct what’s really going on.
The notion of doing away with pictures is ludicrous.
What exactly are you afraid of? It’s not like someone snaps a picture of you at random and sends it over. You have the opportunity to do a proper portrait with makeup, lighting etc…
It seems like you have a problem with kabbala not with the auther!
As an older single, this message speaks to me. Thank you for writing it.
I don’t like the idea of all these newfangled social media ways of meeting a potential partner either. But I am old, and that is the way a lot of youngsters pair up and eventually marry – maybe. At least the ultimate goal of a good marriage is still there. The social media way is the reality now, even though I can see so many pitfalls. However, surely it is better to have ‘too much’ rather than ‘not enough’ choice?
Shadchans who insist on pictures are so wrong. They are enabling the phenomenon of superficiality. Discriminating clients will call them on it.
Thank you for writing this, Shimona! Good article. I wish people would take it to heart and not have broken hearts of loneliness.
Well said. Thank you for putting this up. Its something that we all need to hear
To the author
You make some very valid points. Thanks.
During my kallah class, Pre-Facebook Age, my mashpia told me never discuss with my friends any gifts that my husband got me, even if its small like getting flowers for shabbos. The reason being is that this might cause envy from my friends and unintentionally might lead to potential fights with their spouses. For example, my friend kept noticing that a friends husband was always showering her in designer purses. Although her husband buys her things as well, she did in fact feel jealous, because that friend would alway brag about the things her husband had bought her. This caused… Read more »
Baruch Hashem for Facebook… I met my wife on Facebook
Thanks to Mrs. Zukernik for writing this article. And thanks to whomever for posting Rabbi Moss’ remarks – right on! Finding one’s mate is not easy.
What is your view on shidduch groups that send out profiles of people to whomever requests them? I miss the old-fashioned personal dating system through schadchanim or friends without resumes.
For everyone commenting about meeting their current spouses on Facebook- Mazal Tov! Hope it lasts forever. The truth of the matter is, shuddichim over Facebook, Instagram, you name it- 99% OF THE TIME DO NOT WORK. So for those of you who met your basheret through these social media sites, either the shidduch was 1. Not done properly in terms of it being kosher (i.e. not going through a shadchan, perhaps not shomer negiah, excessive communication, etc.) or 2. You happen to fall into the small category of individuals who by hashgacha partis met your basheret on Facebook and did… Read more »
Baruch Hashem for Facebook… I met my wife on Facebook
The saying is
In G-d we trust ,
all others work for Him!
Of course the number of “choices” out there has nothing to do with the fact that there are so many many more eligible people. Families have grown, Shimona. There are more choices because there are more people. BTW, did you close your FB page?
You really have a chip on your shoulder. What a stupid “solution” . You most likely also say that Gezsha should also marry only BTs to even out or spread something or other. Just a word of advise. Look for a shidduch for yourself or is it your children someone good for them. Stop looking only for. Money and yichus
Everyone has their ONE. And everyone will find their one at the proper time… So we are taught. The question is only how we are going to treat them and how we are going to appreciate the gifts we have. There is no question that social media is getting not in the way of shidduchim but in the way of how we perceive ourselves. At the same time: 1. It’s hard to make a decision to fly cross country or even across the world for a person you haven’t seen. Some do phone Skype. Some prefer to at least see… Read more »
The author is making big assumptions based on one anecdote. Fact: most guys and girls have Facebook Fact: most guys and girls are getting engaged. The shidduch crisis is the result of age discrimination of guys towards girls, that guys won’t marry girls older than themselves. It’s a simple math issue. As Lubavitch has grown exponentially, the rate of how many girls are left out because guys have more options (as a result of the age discrimination issue) is growing too. Social Media is an easy target, social norms (if you can call it that), is much more difficult to… Read more »
Still, the two of u r living in the clouds. Smartphones – or in ur words – “expensive-time-wasting-gadgets”, are actually extremely cheap. Also, facebook is FREE! And guess what? Majority of NY is covered with FREE wifi! Chances are that your children have smartphones, and probably, can afford them as well, cuz most 20 year old girls work. (To comment 2) And about rich ppl marrying poor… What in the world does that have to do with ANYTHING addressed in the article?! Granted, it’s very sad and I feel much pity for you, but seriously, ur making urself look blinded… Read more »
I agree hundred percent. In the end of the day its all about who has money, & who dsnt have money. When a RICH person marries a poor person, whos in charge?? Sorry to say but its sickening. & not only that ive personally seen family’s who make out they have money…..& living in mantion, & fooling their community…..& in the end “most” FAILED!!!! & was in newspapers…..(im sure u dont want that)……bottom line when it comes to money hashem is watching u. & judging u….say what u want…..ive seen it & been around the corner TWICE!!!! But it never… Read more »
A Shiduch is based on what the person is really up to Bepnimius – eternally and internally, and this usually depends Mostly on what they see is Noigeia – Matters Bepnimiyu – eternally and internally To The Parents, Beloshoin Hazoihar: Bonim Mechapshin Bignizin Debeiso… Kids Sense The Truth BY The Parents What They are Up to in life, and in What The Really Believe….
Not only does social media distroy ur potential partner it distroyed and is currently distroying marriages! When a husband or wife spend too much time on facebook and see oh wow this person seams much better then my partner.
Divorce has become a contagious disease! Not only is there a shiduchim crisis there is also a divorce crisis!
The internet is distroying everybody!!
Just saying….
Never say never it could come from anywhere
This article was mostly nice, till the author decided to tell us a bit about kabbalah. First of all, keep the spirituality out of this discussion. Meaning yes spirituality is so very much important, but please that is not the issue at hand in this present discussion. But the real problem, since when did the author become the worldwide expert on kabbalah, as if to tell us exactly what it says about marriage? In addition when you make such types of claims, is incumbent upon you, to provide sources for your claim, and explain your claim. Neither of which you… Read more »
It was not so long ago that anyone needing to have access to the Internet for business purposes was given permission to have a computer that accesses the Internet. Now that the handheld computer with a phone app (AKA a Smartphone or the like) has become the “norm” for cell phone service, we have bypassed the concept that we don’t all necessarily need this kind of incessant Internet access. Now, the “excuse” is: well, I must have the latest in cell phone technology and oh, yes, I of course have the Internet in the palm of my hand all day… Read more »
Facebook is free
Many young girls (and maybe the guys as well) feel that there is nobody interested in them at all!
My Q to the author: When the number of available and possible bachelors is low, how desperate should one be to ‘make it work’ with any good guy?
I met my husband thanks to Facebook. Someone saw both our profile pictures and thought it was a great match.
Great article Shimona, thank you!
This is indeed someone else’s problem. Therefore, how much more so must we all be respectful and considerate to the Author and to the families who need our support and encouragement. No one is in denial, except for perhaps the families of those who suffer from this particular problem. I commend the Author for bringing this to COL so that a discussion can take place. It’s a serious problem that needs to be addressed, just like the yeshiva/seminary tuition crisis. I thought the author is telling us that spoiled brats with an abundance of choices (clothes, gadgets, cars, apartments, first… Read more »
Things have been a bit slow in the romance department of late, so for the first time ever I contacted a matchmaker. They asked me what I am looking for. I don’t want to seem fussy, but I don’t want to settle either. So what’s the best way to go about defining who I want to date? Answer: Here’s what you should do: Take a piece of paper and a pen, and write down everything you are looking for in a match. Scrunch up the piece of paper Throw it away Take another piece of paper, and write down your… Read more »
Exactly, shidduch profiles with pictures ruin everything.
“Encourage wealthy families to consider poor families”… What on earth are you blabbering about?
People should marry whomever is right for them, not a “class” of society, whether rich or poor.
To the commenter, thank you for your contribution to this important topic. With all due respect regardless of your financial situation or level of Frumkeit, wake up and smell the coffee, and find out what your kids or friends’ kids are doing when you’re not looking. Sticking your head in the sand and being in denial or just oblivious won’t solve the problem, instead it’ll just allow it to fester and get worse. Don’t kid yourself into thinking that it’s just someone else’s problem. As the famous saying goes: an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Moshiach… Read more »
bs”d
Beautifully expressed! Bravo.
thank you
To the Author, thank you for your contribution to this important topic. With all due respect, only wealthy families with spoiled children have this problem. The average frum family that is living from paycheck to paycheck does not have this type of problem. The reality is very simple: wealthy parents do not want their children to marry into poor families, because then the wealthy parents have to support the new couple if and when things get expensive. I don’t know about other families, but my family never was able to afford fancy, time-wasting gadgets like smartphones with Facebook. We have… Read more »
I liked many of the points in your article Shimona. I think it is very true that in having many ‘more’ options today, it becomes very easy to compare one to the next and say, there has got to be ‘better’ out there. While I’ll concede that facebook and social media add to the sense of “my prince/princess is out there, he’s probably better than this guy/girl…” I also feel that we’ve made a MAJOR shift in the way shidduchim are run with another form of online media… the shidduch profile. Less than 10 years ago, profiles did not include… Read more »