ב"ה
Wednesday, 26 Adar I, 5784
  |  March 6, 2024

Once Upon a Time…

Anonymous OP-ED: "I sit here on my balcony, peering out, wondering, how long will it take for a guy to saddle a white horse and find me here? Does anyone see how lonely it is to be one of the few unmarried girls on the block?" Full Article

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2 years ago?
July 7, 2011 8:51 pm

I just stumbled onto this article now, which was written 2 years ago. Hopefully the author (if real, and not herself a fairy-tale), is married by now. I myself am a pretty old BT, never married, and I am really at wits-end with shidduchim. For whatever it is worth, it was a fun article to read, or perhaps it made me feel like there is “hope” still, it seemed a well written article, even if a little “fairy-tale” like.

Wishes
March 2, 2011 9:54 pm

I hope you find your prince soon!
Great article!
Im kol ha berajot!!!

i was one of the lucky ones....
November 23, 2009 2:45 pm

Many years ago, i was 23..and getting sad looks….when girls were getting married at 19 . Datng many people was unheard of ….but I was like the girls today…..I finally got married at 25 to someone I probably would not have appreciated at 20. He was too short for my standards and younger than me…. He was a bit of a nerd….but he was crazy about me…. and somehow convinced me…. Many years later…he’s alot cooler than me….and the best person that I could have married…. he put up with all my complications…. we raised a wonderful family…..and we’re very… Read more »

what about us divorced women....
July 1, 2009 10:54 am

i am divorced and despite wanting to get married and approaching shadchanim, websites…..nothing i am so lonely my kids have grown up….i am so depressed and think if this is all i have i may as well give up….

I agree with comment 65
June 20, 2009 6:03 pm

He is right. How many times have arrogant snobbish parents blocked a shidduch.

Dating orphans seems like a good idea.Its one less pitfall.

Now all you have to worry about is your height, age,level of learning, bank account, car, beard length, hat style, mishichist/anti mishichist nonsense,

to 11
June 20, 2009 5:34 pm

ooh thats harsh!!! you sound bitter… r u married?
dont scare us… we want to stay excited to get married

my advice
June 20, 2009 11:44 am

you should date orphans.

because this way if you like eachother the shidduch cant be ruined by arrogant parents.

BEST SOLUTION: (from someone who was there)
June 19, 2009 1:24 am

#17(mashpia)!!

to number 60
June 18, 2009 8:23 pm

too much to say. Ya must be a hypocrite. Have a great day!

IT STILL HURTS
June 18, 2009 7:42 pm

These days i’m considered one of the OLDER girls but i was considered one of the younger girls 4 years ago. I can’t stop time and theres no pause button so now when a 24 year old guy comes up for me and we are 1 year apart, in these guys minds 25 seems like 55. To them it’s scary. Rebbetzin Chaya Mushka was a year older than the rebbe so i don’t get it, if u follow everything the rebbe does why can’t you follow in the Rebbe’s ways of how he chose his beautiful QUEEN,PRINCESS,WIFE,DIAMOND, The rebbe didn’t… Read more »

women in crown heights
June 18, 2009 5:13 pm

I am a man who went to lubavitch yeshiva my entire life, I have dated and tried to date religious women in order to have a religious future home. Usually, i cant even get the time of day. On the rare occasion that a girl agrees to answer my phone call, they usually search for reasons to disqualify me. I am too tall, I am too short, My beard is not long enough,my family is not religious enough, my family is too religious, I am too old, i am too young, I live on president st (no joke, once I… Read more »

Yuuu
June 18, 2009 5:05 pm

Get a life girl, so you won’t need a prince inorder to b happy- he should share a life with a happy good spirited girl .

To #51
June 18, 2009 2:50 pm

Thank you! 🙂 I admire how you rethought what you said instead of being stubborn about it. (Just in case it seems like it, I’m not being sarcastic.) We need more people like you in the world!!

DON'T SHY AWAY
June 18, 2009 8:38 am

DON’T SHY AWAY BE BOLD
SHADCHANIM SUCK
TELL YOUR MARRIED FRIENDS WHAT U ARE LOOKING FOR AND HAVE THEM SET YOU UP

to # 28
June 18, 2009 8:28 am

what do you mean the same five names keep on coming up for the twenty divorced women in lubavitch?u mean all the guys that come up for you are divorced?
so what is wrong with a divorced guy?

TO : #50
June 18, 2009 7:17 am

Get another vocation- you people don’t know what you are
doing!!!

Happy not to be married at 19!
June 18, 2009 4:14 am

I have friends who were married at 19 and i was far from envious of them. While i had opportunities to travel, help Shluchim, study etc my young friends were burdened with responsibilities of husband, kids and home, some barely managing… I used my single years , struggling too through the rotten dates but trying to enjoy the freedom i had. Now married with 2 kids, i would not want to go back there now, but being a busy wife and Mum doesn’t leave much time for yourself and the burdens of parnassah add a lot of stress to daily… Read more »

To #50!!!!!
June 18, 2009 3:21 am

Disgraceful!!!
You make yourself sound so helpful when all you’re suggesting is to bribe your wife, agree to any shmo she offers and lose weight!
It b/c of ppl like you and your wife that there is a shidduch problem today!!!

chabadmatch.com
June 18, 2009 3:10 am

fathers should also get involved encouraging boys to get married and speak with young man register on chabadmatch this situation affects all of us and solution has to come from both sides

To 48: slim good looking and smart, yet 32 just the same
June 17, 2009 5:31 pm

how ye doin?

Sorry (21)
June 17, 2009 1:31 pm

I take back my comment (21).I realize it was insensitive and rude. Sorry.
Best of luck!

Spouse of Shadchan at Chabadmatch
June 17, 2009 11:21 am

Advice: 1) Do not sit back and wait there are alot more girls than boys 2) keep calling the shatchonim or have your parents or older maried sibilings do so. The squeeky wheel gets the greese. 3) If your not sure: Go Out. There is a picky problem with, self proclaimed, “top” girls and boys who look until they find a chasoron. 4) Offer more money than the going rate and watch the shatchanim work (or at least call you back). You could spend less on the chasana later. 5) If there is a weight problem or something you can… Read more »

---FROM THE AUTHORESS---
June 17, 2009 10:52 am

Thank you for all the kind and comforting words- especially to #5, #25, #27 and #44

I’m out there on chabadmatch too- so don’t stop looking!;)

my turn
June 17, 2009 9:57 am

to say something: author dear, you’re not alone. I’m in the same boat, maybe even older than you, maybe even more lonely and more fed up. if it helps you to write, go ahead and write. but…don’t read all the negative comments of people who right away assume you’re either nuts or too fat to be able to get married. they should add a smiley- face to all positive comments and a pouty-face (I just made that up) to all the negative ones, so you’ll know which ones to skip. take care! one of your fellow chassidishe, single, sisters. (slim,… Read more »

many older boys are looking for something not yet created
June 17, 2009 9:10 am

I agree with #40. Older Boys: There are so many great older girls out there, wanting so much to start a family, and they are quality girls, ready to offer so much. But many of you decide to sit and wait for the ‘princess’, and don’t realize there are girls ready to get married. YOU NEED TO BE READY TO GET MARRIED TOO! Try, try, and put into your dates- don’t just knock off a name b/c you heard a thing or 2 without looking into it properly. Don’t just put her name on the bottom of your ‘wish’ list.… Read more »

to 43
June 17, 2009 8:06 am

yes of course you have to email again or better yet can you get their # and call them, or how about trying another shaddchan, yes keep going till you get a response. Also maybe its time to move and be in sight, sorry but that the reality. Hatzlacha.
A Mother

options
June 17, 2009 8:02 am

I definitely feel for anyone who is older and not married yet. However, this situation is not one that was chosen. Therefore, being in this situation gives one a chance to do many things not really possible when married. There is no reason why you cannot be a contributing member of the community, travel, study, write, etc., etc Cook, bake,valunteer, even make a Shabbos tish !!! But at the same time, “Yeshuas Hashem K’Hareff Eyim” Never give up. May you and others in your shoes tell us good news BKarov !! p.s. Many Tzaddikim and Rebittzens married late — it… Read more »

to the ppl who wrote negatives
June 17, 2009 6:23 am

shame on you

forgotten!!
June 17, 2009 5:01 am

At least this young lady who wrote the article has been out with young men! I am 25 and do not live in CH, infact not even in NY and have not been offered a shiddiuch. A couple of years ago I was offered Shidduchim, but I was busy studying and not interested. For me I think it is ” out of sight, out of mind”. as I am not on the circuit. I know i have tried chabadmatch, but after asking Shadchanim about certain profiles I find interesting, they do not even e mail me back!!……Am I meant to… Read more »

To #30
June 17, 2009 5:01 am

Does a woman/girl have to be a size 000 to find a partner?
Does she have to degrade her body and mind to that level?

The Zevug of every Bachur and Bachura
June 17, 2009 3:41 am

In the last paragraph it says quote “He will certainly find your mate for you at the appropriate time”, how can we say Hashem will find the right 1 for us, when it was already decided who will be our zevug 40 before the formation of the child. So it is not that Hashem has to look to find ur Zevug the Bat Kol announced already a while before each 1 was born. The thing is we have to do our part and look for that Match that HaKadosh Baruch decided for us before we were born. He already knows… Read more »

Hey Guys, Wake up it's YOUR Mitzvah!
June 17, 2009 3:31 am

The mitzvah to “be fruitful and multiply” is incumbent upon the MALES. Girls are just hardwired to be with a guy, it’s the boys who are COMMANDED to marry. I know alot of great guys, all waiting around for a girl as beautiful as a model, father like Donald Trump (just Jewish and not in trouble with the law) and a family they will feel proud to join (either yechus, shlichus, just all around ego enhancer). This is part of the problem, why girls sit waiting on the balcony or in school or teaching or whatever. Very few girls are… Read more »

People, take a chill pill
June 17, 2009 3:28 am

Definition of “DUD”:
a thing that fails to work properly or is otherwise unsatisfactory (Oxford English Dictionary)

mentshlichkeit first
June 17, 2009 3:23 am

I can hear the pain and the longing, the metaphors are not relevant ( or may be they are in some other context ), just the same, I think it took courage to write this article and risk.I believe that a large part of real relationships is how much we are prepared to risk and to reveal to the other about our self . I also believe ( along with a previous comment) that as we go through the motions we have to narrow down our 3 non-negotiable criteria. A good friend or a mashpia can help with that. I… Read more »

I know the situation
June 17, 2009 2:49 am

Any girl who describes a Jewish man as a ‘dud’, desrves what she gets. Every man has a holy neshama within him, and the fact that he was suggested to you, reflects some part of you.. By showing such disdain about other people in a public forum is sad. If you told the shadchanim after every date, he was a ‘dud’, how much more effort do you think the shadchan would want to put forward for you?

Dear princess
June 17, 2009 2:25 am

From your article I can see you are smart, romantic, chassidish , have strong Hishkashrus to the Rebbe, trying not to be negative and proactive. Come on guys and Shadchanim out there ! Come forward!!! A word about the horse. Please get off your high horse and don’t call young men you dated duds.That is not respectful or nice. Focus on being sweet, lovable attractive and finding the good in others and surely others will find the goodness in you! Even though you may have been very hurt by a young man you need to understand there is loftier reasons… Read more »

idea
June 17, 2009 2:06 am

we should have a fund(or private peole to give or rabonim or …)
but there should be a bonus for shdchanim like lets say you make a shiduch for a 23YO you should get a $3,000 bonus

for a 25YO a $5,000 bonus and so on

that would be incentive for shadchanim to work seriously on these girls

i heard it is done in baltiomre by rabonim

to whoever didn't understand
June 17, 2009 1:53 am

she wrote the part about the ” prince on a white horse” sarcastically. Take it easy.

to #13
June 17, 2009 1:25 am

Ch”v am i wishing this on anyone. I was extremely grateful as all of my friends got married and even when my younger sister and former students got married and started families, as i know the pain and am glad that others should not have to go through it. Would a sick person ch”v want others to be sick as well just for company? The company would not be very enjoyable, to say the least. I was simply commenting on the air of self pity, helplessness, and “prince on a white horse” attitude that seems to appear in this article.… Read more »

Congratulations
June 17, 2009 1:07 am

BE they chasidish, yeshivish or whatever lies between, the rabbis or asknaim of our generation have been very successful in transforming the most beautiful & exciting time of young persons life into one of fear, apprehension and tears

ahavas yisroel
June 17, 2009 12:14 am

Your letters express Ahavas Yisroel. In seeking a shidduch one must focus on YISROEL, the essence of the neshama. In other words no one individual has everything (aleh maalos)all the time and living life is not about quantity (items, details) but quality, the bigger picture. Therefore, try and see the beauty in every person, the neshama. I guarantee that if you pay attention you will see some beautiful people out there. And all of you singles please remember that you are beautiful people and lift your spirits because “mi kamcha YISROEL”. Much Blessing for finding your bashert NOW. It is… Read more »

weight watchers
June 17, 2009 12:08 am

there is usually a reason behind not finding a match

no 21, its that particular perspective of life stinks.
June 16, 2009 11:00 pm

and to this anonymous who wrote this letter, i feel so helpless, i so much would like to help you! but now my advice is, dont continue writing depressing op-eds, go out contact mrs. rapp, mrs. greenberg and all the shadchanim out there. hamaase hu haikker!

I feel your pain
June 16, 2009 10:28 pm

Even more so as a divorcee, while singles are given the time of day, we are given the same five names that circulate between Twenty divorced woman.

The only answer is to daven, Daven to Hashem, beg and plead with him to hear your prayers and at the same time remember: Hashem helps those that help themselves – Go out there and get yourself known!!!

Good Luck!!!

Very nice
June 16, 2009 10:13 pm

It’s nice to read someone who’s going through the same things I’m going through, but who can write about it in a humorous, practical and uplifting way.
May you find your other half soon, B”H.

I don't get it
June 16, 2009 6:51 pm

Please,you need someone to feel bad for you?that’s childish you have to grow up,and then everything will bee batter.

From the guy's perspective.
June 16, 2009 6:34 pm

I’d like to first express the utmost appreciation for the heartfelt and honest articles that have been posted. They require courage, and most of all a true desire to make a very valid point, if not many. To address number 21 quickly, as a side note, I want so badly to be like you, a negative downer, but I suppose I am busy realizing the blessings in life and simply can’t hear or bear to acknowledge your pessimism, sarcasm, crassness, and ability to minimize someone’s pain. I just can’t seem to find it in me to get on board with… Read more »

right on #18
June 16, 2009 6:11 pm

and to add, if the girls and boys that are going out on dates would keep thier opinions to themselves after they “regect” someone things might be a liitle easier. If my husband would of known EVERYTHING about me, we would of not even gone out on a date. No one is perfect!

nechama zweibel
June 16, 2009 5:58 pm

she does classes to help make yourself a keil
also for the mothers
can only gain…..

older bocher
June 16, 2009 5:22 pm

Hi im an older bocher 31 years of age and i know exactly what she is saying and how she feels lonlienes in communities like ours where most people marry young we are looked on as something is wrong our opinion is not accepted because what to you know you are single people look down at us older singles like i say dont just look at us and say oy vay do something daven for us try to help us instead of just looking at us like we are unweel people thank you may hashem help that all us older… Read more »

AHHHHHHHHHHH!
June 16, 2009 5:10 pm

STOP! LIFE STINKS. WE GET IT!

the other side
June 16, 2009 4:49 pm

…it is better to wait for the right one then marry too soon to the wrong one.

tehilim
June 16, 2009 4:49 pm

40 days of the whole sefer tehilim you could divide it among a few poeple
may hashem send each one their bashert soon

To #5
June 16, 2009 3:55 pm

Obviously those close to you don’t really get you because the only people who can totally get you are those whose situation is similar to yours. When a person is seriously ill R’L or doesn’t yet have children, again the only people who can really relate are those going through a similar situation. Most people mean well when they sympathize and would help if they could. Not everyone is acquainted with many single boys/girls. All that being said, I feel very strongly that the Rebbe would not approve of this medium for his Chasidim. If you disagree speak to your… Read more »

mashpia
June 16, 2009 3:51 pm

This is a beautifully written piece. However, I would like to make the following comment. You mention you’ve been through a lot of “duds” in your shidduch career. Tell me, how do you know that they were “duds”? I know from my own personal experience that it wasn’t until I took seriously the notion that I should discuss my shidduchim situation with my mashpia that my bashert materialized. If not for those discussions I almost certainly would have allowed doubts and uncertainty at the stage of having been through two or three dates with the one who did eventually become… Read more »

get a shadchan that actually gets back to you
June 16, 2009 3:25 pm

and realize that mr perfect does not exist. any guy you meet will have wonderful maalos, and he will also have chisronos. decide what area are most important to you – chassidishkeit, frumkeit, yichus, knowledge (Jewish or general)looks, money, brains, sense of humor, height, weight, staight teeth, ability to earn a good living, etc.,and concentrate on someone with the particular maalos most important to you. I guarantee you that in other areas HE WILL BE LACKING. If those areas are important to you, you should have mentioned it. Be honest with yourself, and who you are, not who your mother… Read more »

Shiduch crises
June 16, 2009 3:06 pm

Not to offend anyone chas vesholem I think the problem is that most of the SHADCHANIM in CH are lazy

Did any one say life is easy?!
June 16, 2009 2:55 pm

I think that the OP-DES and articles on shiduchim are very important b/c not everyone is aware of the situation, some people are “too picky” and think they are going to find a prince or princess which doesn’t exist (so you are on a search to nowhere with out even realizing.) This is just an example. But If everyone would do their part during this hardworking process things wouldn’t be the way they are now. And I’m talking about boys, girls, parents and shadchanim. I see a lot of shiduchim gone wrong because one of the mention above “gave up”… Read more »

to # 10
June 16, 2009 2:46 pm

I hope that you are not wishing that on anyone(else). May you all find your bashertes so soon.

to: married
June 16, 2009 2:24 pm

PULLEASSEE!!! How many times have we said we don’t want your pity. Just UNDERSTAND and care enough to do something if you can. We’re not nebachniks!!!

t s
June 16, 2009 2:20 pm

so why do you want to get married? sure loneliness hurts. but what are your expectations? you know men? they too ache for love. they too have no clue what lies in stoire for them. two people with no clue about the other gender in general and the other person in particular get married… and before long have only reason to STAY married – commitment to the marriage. i’m not telling not to pine for a mate. just know that whatever you dream about, ain’t there.

older
June 16, 2009 2:04 pm

I don’t mean to offend anyone, but this article has the tone of someone who is still at the beginning of the “older girl” road. It would be interesting to see what her attitude would be in another five or six years.

whats your email adress?
June 16, 2009 1:53 pm

i have ashidduch for you

suggestion
June 16, 2009 1:14 pm

Single girls need to have something constructive to do while they’re waiting for their bashert. The education system needs to provide for those who aren’t getting married at 19. Everybody should feel like they’re working towards a goal, not just stuck in a holding pattern.

Well written piece
June 16, 2009 1:12 pm

The author seems very smart and ambitious… I would encourage her to follow that drive and in response to the question “what can I do”– make sure to live in the times– make sure you are on the (kosher) internet dating sites, get your name out there, and when you actually meet the person give him a chance and be open. I think this article is a step in the right direction.– Purely an opinion, no ciritiscm intended

sorry
June 16, 2009 1:04 pm

chabad match .com go there my son is on it ,,,find him

there are no words...
June 16, 2009 12:34 pm

The most difficult part of going through this struggle is the loneliness.
i always feel like – no matter how much those who are close to me express their sympathy, – they dont really “get me”.
i dont even try to talk about it to people, because i dont think that i am able to truly express how i feel for someone else to understand it.
for this reason it has been a great comfort to me to read this article, expressing exactly how i feel.
it has gone to the depths of my Neshama.
thank you

Practical mother
June 16, 2009 12:27 pm

Nobody sweeps anyone off their feet, we are not living in fantasy land. I don’t see the point of these op-eds, this one is a little weird, if you ask me.
There are plenty of guys waiting to get married that are older too. You have to keep busy and the time will come, iy”h. Not everyone has the same mazal and not everything happens at the same time.

Married...
June 16, 2009 12:24 pm

My heart goes out to those seeking their bashert.
May you all find happiness immediately, Amen.

youre freakin me out
June 16, 2009 12:20 pm

im trying to remain positive i dont want to hear your input

Wow
June 16, 2009 12:11 pm

Wow what an article. Whoever you are tha6t wrote this i’ll never know. im also single and waitning im not worried. i dont want to hurry and im not young either. each thing will come at it’s right time and thats that. it’s just another test we must go through..just like others go through R”L not having kids, no money etc…
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