Jun 1, 2016
My Non Existent Shidduch Date
From the COLlive inbox: The Shadchan and her parents pressured her to meet - and then the bochur was asked...
The other week, on a Wednesday night, my parents called me up with a Shidduch idea.
It was the first one that they had approached me about. After describing the wonderful family the boy comes from, and his individual maalos, (great Middos and ambitious character), my mother wanted to hear what I thought.
After asking about his current position, of which I was informed, I was extremely hesitant to go forward.
Yes, the fact that he had all these incredible traits, several qualities I was looking for, and had extremely nice parents, you’re probably thinking, “So? Nu?”
Well, I couldn’t really put my finger on it. But I wasn’t so excited. Confirming that Sunday night would work for me, and noting the late hour, my parents suggested I sleep on the idea, and give them an answer the next day.
The next morning, I still wasn’t sure. This is my future - did I have to say yes, just because he was the first one?
It was hard even thinking about it, as the “other side” wanted an answer right away! Making a point, that they were looking into other ideas as well.
After a conversation with a close friend, I came to the realization that if I did go out, I still had the ability to say no.
And so after talking the Shadchan (who knows me very well), she suggested I write to the Igros Kodesh, to get an answer. Being pressed for time, working out of Crown Heights, I opted for faxing a letter to the Ohel.
In my brief letter, I asked the Rebbe for a Brocho that it should be as clear as day, whether or not he is for me. And so by 12:00 noon, on Thursday, my mother was able to tell the shadchan “yes.”
Needless to say, that over the next 24 hours, I “psyched” myself up. At 4 pm, when I called my mother to say “Good Shabbos”, she relayed the following:
After my mother had told the Shadchan yes, the Shadchan told the boy's parents I was willing to go out. And that was when they first approached their son about the idea.
Apparently, he was “upset” because he wanted to go away for the summer, and did not want to think about shidduchim until after, and had no idea his parents were looking into options for him.
How nice that he was upset - he wasn’t the one pressured into giving an answer, when we should have had his answer first.
A bit perplexed, the shadchan said she suggested to the other side, that she herself got engaged over the summer, and plenty of boys and girls date over the summer, while away.
The boy's parents said to wait until Motzei Shabbos, because maybe they could convince him otherwise. Motzei Shabbos came, and we never heard back.
I literally felt slapped in the face. All I can say is that I went through a lot of unnecessary stress, which could have all been avoided, had they been clear about their son’s status.
Some may think that the Shadchan is to blame, however she was under the same exact impression we were; that the boy had already said yes! Because that’s how it should be!
Now, as someone who hates seeing the worst in people, I rather try and find the best in people.
I know that he’s the oldest in his family, and it’s their first shidduch. So obviously, they were not completely aware how to play the game.
So, this is a reminder to all those who need it: If you have a young man you would like to set up with a young lady, please make sure that he is in full agreement to go out (with her) before she is told his name.
Some of you may be thinking, “Why are you stressing so much - it’s one date!” And others, “wow, a disaster avoided.” I will say one thing; the Rebbe gave me a clear answer.
I am not someone who writes and posts these kinds of articles after every experience. As you read above, I haven’t really had much experience. But I really wanted to make people aware about how much stress can be avoided by communicating with your children.