By Rabbi Manis Friedman
Can I tell you a story about my great-uncle Chaim?
“Feter Chaim,” as we called him, was a quiet, gentle and special soul. His wife had passed away and he had no children.
For many years, he would join our family for dinner, but you would hardly know it because he was virtually silent. And even when he did speak it was hard to hear because of how softly he spoke.
To give you an idea of the kind of man he was: Someone suggested to him once that instead of going to the Mikveh and then back home (up 3 flights of steps to his apartment) to get his Tallis and Tefillin and then to Shul, he should bring his Tallis and Tefillin with him and go to the Mikveh on the way to Shul. Feter Chaim replied simply that Mikveh is one Mitzvah, Shul is one Mitzvah, and he has no desire to take shortcuts with Mitzvahs.
He was that kind of man.
So one evening, I am around 11-years-old, my family sits down to eat supper. We ate at the table in the small kitchen in our apartment on President Street in Crown Heights. I was sitting at the table and my mother was washing dishes at the sink, immediately behind me, and I asked my mother for a spoon.
To our astonishment, Feter Chaim, who we almost forgot was there, exploded in a single moment of horrified anger. In Yiddish, he sputtered, “Banutzen zich mit’n Mame’n!?” (You’re using your mother!?)
And then, in a moment, it was over. He went back to himself and his plate, and we all stared at each other in utter amazement. The outburst was so unexpected and so out of character that it seared itself in my memory and I remember it like yesterday. And with time, that moment becomes more and more sacred in my memory.
This humble, silent man, couldn’t sit by when a genuine travesty occurred in front of him. A boy asked his mother to do something he could have done himself. Unthinkable.
And yes, to this day, I find it unthinkable to ask my mother to do things for me.
*****
Many children today wouldn’t even be able to identify what offended Feter Chaim even if confronted with it. Because of the reluctance of many parents to train their children to respect and revere them, children plainly and innocently assume their parents are there to serve them, not the other way around.
A child once reassured me that it was no problem in his house because “My mother loves doing things for me.” I reassured him that he had a wonderful mother, and for that very reason, she deserves a wonderful child. One who refuses to allow his mother to do things for him that he could do himself.
Your mother is not your maid or your waitress. This is something we need to tell our children. Ideally, we shouldn’t be talking about ourselves. The father should teach it when the mother is asked to fetch something, or vice-versa. (The best thing would be if you happened to have a great-uncle Chaim…)
But one way or another, even if you need to gently teach it yourself, the child desperately needs to be told. Children understand the concept of “unthinkable.” They understand absolute values.
They simply need to be trained that this is one of them.
Too little has been said about the fact that “Honor your father and mother” is in the first five of the Ten Commandments and not the second five; it is on the first tablet, not the second. And while the second contains the human-human rules, the first contains human-G-d rules. Implied in this is that honor for parents should be more like reverence and less like casual friendship.
Our homes are palaces and our parents are king and queen. Not concierge attendants.
Children do as they see not as they r told…last year an unexpected package came to my door on Mother’s Day all the way from my daughter studying in Israel, when I astonishly asked her what motivated her she simply responded that she remembered me ordering and sending flowers for “Bubby” last year on Mother’s Day!
Well said Manis!!!
Powerful lesson!!
I always remembered this..
Wives are queens not only for the children but also for Their husbands
Don’t ask your wife for anything that you can do yourself
should also remember that their wives are not their slaves either!!! wives need to be respected too!!
Yeh. The Talmud and Kitzur were written by adult, elders, and parents.
Bubbeh bubbeh babenyu?
Heard R’ F tell this about 15 years ago. I too remember it very clearly and it has surfaced in my mind very often. BUT it doesn’t just work that way! Wish it did!
The Torah compares the honour you owe your father and mother to the honour you have to give to the Almighty.
— Talmud Kiddushin 31
Because honouring parents is part of honouring G-d, the mitzvah does not depend on the worthiness of the parent:
“Even if his father is wicked and a sinner, he must fear and revere him … A convert to Judaism must not curse or despise his non-Jewish father.” (Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 143:13,25)
It is vital that your children see you honoring their Bubby and Zeide ( if you are lucky enough to have them ) As in all areas of life, you don’t stand much of a chance of the getting the honor you desire if your kids haven’t seen you going out of your way to be respectful, attentive and giving to your own parents whether they live around the corner or around the world. By the way, your children are also noticing whether you treat EVERYONE with respect – including your spouse.
Ok vey is Mir!!!
How can we fix it now??? A little late or actually a lot late on this. Kids ranging from 14- 27 yrs. of age.
Yeh. There’s strong push for respect for elders and especially parents, and there’s much said – usually by elders and parents – about the many ways respect should manifest itself. And I can accept the presumption that Feter Chaim and Rabbi Mannis and his mother are lovely people. But it’s still all human perspective and subject to variables. The extreme view that elder/parent must be treated as royalty is just that – extreme. And elders/parents need to respect young people and their children, and not treat them like extension of themselves, clay to be shaped as they wish, and built… Read more »
Strange, I went through a similar situation as a young teenage growing up in the Flatbush section of Brooklyn. I was at the family table having dinner. My mother was at the sink…I don’t recall why. I asked her for a glass of water, and my father fumed. “get it yourself. Your mother is not your servant_….I was stunned, but accepted his statement. I never forgot it either! How was I to know that something so simple was not exemplary of Kibod av v’eim??
love this
Rabbi Manis Friedman for president! So well delivered
thanks so much for sharing this precious experience and amazing uncle with us. we desperately needed to hear (read) your wise words. please keep teaching and inspiring us in good health with much joy so we can greet moshiach already!
Rabbi Friedman –
I remember hearing this from you maybe thirty years ago & did not forget it. I often tell the story to my ainiklach.
Thank you for sharing it again.
Is one of the most regal, beautiful, brilliant women this generation has the zchus of knowing. May she live many more happy and healthy years filled with nachas and Mazal.
I heard Rabbi Friedman tell this story decades ago, when I was in Minnesotta, in Bais Chana. The story, and its meaning was also seared in my mind, and heart.
I never forgot this story, and love the lesson it tells
Thank you for sharing
Beautiful story and point well taken.
I would like to mention though that it is so much easier to respect parents that respect their children. In a case of abusive parents it can be difficult and even tricky to show such reverence.
Raise your children with the respect they deserve and they will be receptive to this idea of the reverence they ought to treat their parents with.