The Rebbe said that when one has a desire for something, usually one develops a feeling for it, and the stronger the feeling one develops, this is a sign of hamshochas halev (attraction of the heart).
A young lady once came to the Rebbe and told the Rebbe she is meeting a bochur. However, she doesn’t know whether she’s attracted to him. She asked the Rebbe what should she do.
The Rebbe told her, “Take an intermission of 2 weeks. During those 2 weeks, don’t see each other, do not speak to each other, do not have any connection with him, after the 2 weeks, come back to me.”
She came back after 2 weeks and the Rebbe asked her, “Did you feel a vacuum? Did you feel during these 2 weeks, that you’re missing something? Did you have a desire to speak to him, did you have a desire to see him?”
When she told the Rebbe, no to all these questions, the Rebbe said, “That’s an indication that he’s not for you. Just go look for something else.”
Hamshochas halev means that there is something that you truly want and if you don’t have it, you’re constantly thinking about it. You’re trying to find ways how to get it. You feel a strong desire for it. Of course, it has to be in a tznius way.
I don’t know if I told you about my own experience when I asked the Rebbe whether I should end the shidduch I was meeting?
The Rebbe told me, “I can’t help you, not your father can help you, not your mother and not even yourself, not even your mind. The only thing that can help you,” the Rebbe pointed with his finger to his heart, “the heart, if you have a feeling for her, if you feel that with not having her, you feel something is missing, a siman das iz das, if you don’t have that feeling, it’s not the thing that’s for you.”
(As told by Rabbi Leibel Groner, secretary of the Rebbe, and printed in Navigating Shidduchim. Courtesy of the International Shidduch Group Network)
The Rebbe clearly said it is how you feel that is the bar to decide a shidduch.
Try to think objectively
Sometimes the pros are not really pros and sometimes the cons are not really cons …
Wishing you much success
#12, did the guy at the farbrengen explain why their marriage broke up within a year? Was it because of some inherent incompatability, or because one or both of them were emotionally immature or just unprepared to invest the hard work that it often takes (and especially during the adjustment period of the shana rishona) to grown into a successful marriage? Just because a marriage ends in divorce, it does not always mean that the two people were inherently incompatible.
Although I am not a therapist I would humbly suggest that your child should talk to a professional licensed therapist to verify this doubt. I don’t think it would be at all beneficial for a parent to push their child into a shiduch just because they think its simply the fear of commitment. It may very well be that but as complex emotional beings it may very well be ALSO that the person isn’t the right one for your child.
Thanks, I did struggle with the wording! Thank you for the good reminder that we first need to use our mind before letting our hearts take over…lesson learned 🙁
If the Rebbeh gave you the same advice ,why did get engaged the next day? Please explain exactly which advice he gave you.
The first time when he got no answer- THAT was the Rebbe’s answer. step one check resume and see if interested if yes then step 2 write if no answer so why continue? if the Rebbe says yes THEN step 3 go out, feelings etc..
You made me laugh
You’re right, that can be a problem, and you worded it in a cute way. In life we can be attracted to the wrong things sometimes. It’s not all about feelings. First comes intellect, which means you know that the choice is proper and good, and then comes the feelings, which means you know that you personally can enjoy the choice and feel comfortable with it. We should speak to a mashpia or even a general psychologist to understand why we are attracted to things which aren’t good for us.
I was by Farbrengin a few weeks ago, & a guy gets up & says he was dating this woman, & they felt feelings….& wrote to the Rebbe…..no answer. & waited & waited. Finly they got an answer. But wasn’t clear answer…..& they decided to go for it. & they did….sure enough with in a year their marriage BROKE UP!!! (We can never know)…..
really? How so?
Most of us got engaged in a very short amount of time with only the very beginning of hamshachas halev (it seemed like it has potential …) with the Rebbe’s answer propelling us to make it official. To make the commitment.
Boruch Hashem our bitachon in the Rebbe’s Bracha helped make it all work out well (for most )
This is very informative, thank you!
Is it possible that there is an emotional issue blocking the natural development of these feelings? if a person is fearful of marriage, then as soon as they begin to feel hamshachas halev, they may unconsciously pull back, or find reason to turn away. Like a protective measure. So if you suspect that is what is happening with your child (who gets accused of being ‘picky’ when they claim they just don’t feel any ‘pull’), what do you do? the child feels they are fine, just haven’t met the ‘right’ one… and the parent suspects there is a blockage somewhere.… Read more »
his intellgent,you can feel a attaction for the person,what happens when later when you married you find out the the other half has got something that difficult to work with,there are so many things,like aspergers,it no joke and even dangerous to you
What if someone has hamshochos halev but the factual cons outweigh the really strong hamshochos halev?
If someone is without feeling they should look elsewhere as opposed to proceeding, due to physical attraction or logic.. It is not fair to the other person who would not know this. Commitment may not last for the long haul.
I got the same answer from the Rebbe when I wrote in about a bochur I had met. I was confused because he had many things I was looking for, yet I couldn’t commit. The Rebbe told me “It depends how you FEEL”, meaning it is not simply the list of things you like that determines whether he is the right one. It’s hamshachas halev that must guide you.
This letter was written to a young woman who was not observant, and she knew the boy for a long time. It’s important to point this out since this is a very different scenario from the way most of the readers on this site will find their soulmates. Most of those familiar with the Rebbe’s approach to this subject agree that the Rebbe’s opinion, expressed in numerous notes and verbal advice in private audiences, was different in the case of a “Chasidic” boy or girl. While one should have *some* emotional* interest in order to proceed to the finish line… Read more »
Very good point – wait 2 weeks.” Don’t rush things and don’t try being logistical about it. If there’s is a connection then shoin. If not, let it go.
that’s what the Rebbe told me 19 years ago. On the night prior to our engagement