May 13, 2009
"That Loving Feeling"

Anonymous OP-ED: "We all dream of "falling in love" and being totally swept away in a wave of passion and excitement. We are certain that when we meet our destined one we will know without doubt in our hearts that this is "the one."

We all dream of "falling in love" and being totally swept away in a wave of passion and excitement. We are certain that when we meet our destined one we will know without doubt in our hearts that this is "the one." We have this vision in our minds of how it's supposed to be, and when reality fails to live up to our expectations we are certain something must be wrong in the relationship.

We struggle to understand why our surrounding world hasn't suddenly burst into shades of extravagant color, why our hearts are still beating calmly and not pounding wildly with excitement. Why is it that the ground is just as solid beneath our feet as it was the day before? Where is that dizzy floaty sensation of pure and complete happiness? Where is that profound feeling of sheer bliss and unbelievable joy? Surely something must be amiss...

Many suitable and potential relationships fail to succeed and continue to marriage due to unrealistic expectations that either both or one of the dating partners possess. In our times today when we are so easily influenced by the secular world and their perception of love and romance, that it has captured our imagination and our ability to view beyond it. Subconsiously, it has weaved its way into our lives, corrupting our minds into believing that if we don't feel that magical feeling, then there is something seriously lacking. We fail to see what's important by getting so wrapped up in trying to capture that feeling, we put all else aside, that we don't focus on the greater picture.

There are some people who experience strong excitement at the early stages of dating and then panic when that fades seemingly without any explanation. It's important to be cognizant that love functions in stages. This initial excitement is simply the first level of love and attraction, and once this fades to the next level, does not mean that the relationship course isn't proceeding the way it should be. Rather it is a sign that the relationship has moved on to the next level which generally leads to feelings of contentment and ease just by being with the other person. Naturally there has to be an attraction, a genuine liking towards the person until in time this leads to forming a connection, a bridge of understanding between two people.

Dating is to prepare us for marriage. It's laying out the foundations of what's going to lie ahead and seeing if we have the right ingredients to make the relationship blossom into love. Love isn't something that is born. It's created through a feeling of contentment and satisfaction that comes from being with another person and over time leads to something stronger and deeper.

When people decide to stop dating a person due to lack of excitement, they excuse themselves by saying that the person is everything they could have possibly wished for, but they feel an absence of feeling that is holding them back from getting engaged, most times not even giving it a chance to grow into something more concrete. We live in a world where everything is instant, where immediate gratification of our wants and desires is not only a possibility but has become the normality. Everything is available at a touch of a button. From instant contact via cell phones to direct internet access, the consistency of time almost ceases to exist. Our minds have become so accustomed to immediate results that when a person doesn't feel that instant connection, that instant romance, he/she walks away without giving the relationship the right attention it needs in order to develop further.

Certainly one has to feel a connection with the with person he/she is dating. When speaking about an "absence of feeling" obviously this does not mean to say couples should get engaged based on zero feelings. On the contrary, one has to feel an emotional connection to some degree in order to visualize a lifetime together. However in some cases, two people meet, and and there is a deep emotional connection, both feel they have what it takes to build a healthy and successful marriage based on mutual respect and concern for each other etc. Both recognize the special qualities in one another and feel relaxed and comfortable in each other's company. They share common goals and values and both feel they're heading in the same direction. But this still leaves room for doubt in one of the partner's mind as to whether this is really right because he/she is waiting for that magical feeling to take over them. When this happens it's essential that the individual himself turns to guidance from an experienced person or mashpia who will hopefully help him/her see things differently, and clarify his/her perspective before, G-d forbid, ending what could have been a very successful marriage.

We often hear people talking about the shidduch crisis that has taken the world by storm. We struggle to come up with miraculous answers that we hope will put an end to this major catastrophe, but possibly the answer lies closer to home than we care to admit. It lies within each and every one of us in this position to honestly ask ourselves if we are being realistic when it comes to understanding ourselves and our expectations.

On this note may we merit to see many more simchas, and we should all find our true soulmates now!

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Opinions and Comments
1
Well said
I totally agree with you. This is a very big problem nowadays. I personally was involved in trying to make a shidduch where after three dates one of the parties said that "on paper this is right" but they just dont feel anything.... it was such a shame.
(5/13/2009 2:06:57 PM)
2
L S T
You cannot convince anyone to get engaged unless they are absolutlely positive about their decision. Would you rather R"L have broken engagement? Better to end it before anyone gets hurt.
(5/13/2009 2:07:53 PM)
3
anon
I was in this exact situation. I was not sure...but gave it another try. just one more date, I said.
PS: Happily married now for 2 years.
(5/13/2009 2:09:11 PM)
4
CH Shadchan
Kol Hakavod! Thank you for your insightful words.

THis is definitely become a big problem in our shidduchim process.
(5/13/2009 2:10:39 PM)
5
Still waiting
Having been waiting for that perfect someone for a long time, and having been out on many many shidduch dates, I can tell you that I, for one, am going to wait until I have that feeling about someone that they are the perfect, right, one for me.

No amount of discussion is going to change my mind.
After all, I have to marry the person, dont I.....

(5/13/2009 2:13:01 PM)
6
Nice
Nicely written. Thanks
(5/13/2009 2:13:47 PM)
7
Oh, stop it, PLEASE!
Boy do I hate these articles, and the people constantly assuring us singles that all we need is a "emotional connection to some degree" - any degree; and that it is much more important to just get married quickly and have lots of little 'Hasid-lings'.

Yes: The secular perception perception of love and romance HAS captured our imagination. And it should. Because if billions of dollars of Hollywood films, Nashville music, books and literature are based on the premise that the Secular 'perception' is reality, doesn't there have to be something to it?

And why should we miss out on it, just because you did?
(5/13/2009 2:49:00 PM)
8
Shir hashirim?
So is Shir Hashirim secular too?
(Yes yes, I know, it is a moshul, I get it, but according to the op-ed author, is Shir Hashirim one big secular moshul?)
(5/13/2009 2:50:51 PM)
9
anonymous
suspicious of articles with no name. why no name???
(5/13/2009 3:04:07 PM)
10
To 7
Your comment just personifies what is wrong with the younger generation.
In my (somewhat older) generation people did not have the same expectations as the youth does of this generation.
One expected to find a mate who was on the same wavelength as them, was going in the same direction, and one who you could envision a life together with.
Attraction was important, but only after all the other criteria was met.
Now it seems there is only one thing important: the attraction.
Midos, etc. dont seem to come into the picture at all.
My blessings to you, I hope you do find your bashert, and easily.
(5/13/2009 3:04:33 PM)
11
If it's not there, it's not there
Why create a marriage where your children will see and feel that there's nothing there? Before cell phones and even TV, people would date, and sometimes it just wasn't there. That "something there" is what you're going to build your marriage on - and the example you're going to set for your children of what kind of marriage they should want to have for themselves.
(5/13/2009 3:07:22 PM)
12
I dont agree
I dont totally agree with the writer, I am currently in the dating "parsha" and obviously I hope to find someone taht I fall in love with and am truly excited about. I have seen my friends getting engaged and married and they have seemed quite deleriously happy.
Of course i want the same for myself.
I dont think I should settle for less.
(5/13/2009 3:08:46 PM)
13
Dreaming of falling in love...
Ha, keep dreaming. Life isnt all about fantasy. After everything settles down from the excitement of engagement, wedding,etc. then real life starts.
And then you are married to this person - make sure that you can live with them when all that dies down.
That's the true test of "True love"
(5/13/2009 3:11:38 PM)
14
To 10
7's comment doesn't personify what is WRONG with the younger generation. It just personifies what IS the current generation.

The older generation looked for certain criteria in marriage, The Love Thing not being one of them, and that was fine.

The younger generation is looking for something else, AND THAT IS FINE TOO.

(And BTW, the attraction factor doesn't cancel out the Midos or anything; we want the attraction in addition to the Midos and everything else).
(5/13/2009 3:12:16 PM)
15
love is not enough!!
(5/13/2009 3:27:48 PM)
16
HUh??
I dont believe this article! What age are you living in?
Get real! This is a different time, people expect more!
(5/13/2009 3:28:08 PM)
17
Don't judge others...
To all of you trying your best to make shidduchim, please don't judge when you think the person is "making a mistake" and "not giving it a fair chance." If its not it, its not it. Sometimes you just know.... believe me, we are more upset than you are that once again, this is not the one...
(5/13/2009 3:34:36 PM)
18
love is not enough!!
the rebbe gave my parents an answer, 'as her heart feels' and that gave me strengh to turn down many shidduchim that didn't feel right or was not exciting enough. I had a busy, successful life and felt that when 'Mr Right' showed up, I would surely say yes.

I was in my in my thirties and came accross something that the rebbe told someone about looking at a shidduch as if one lost something precious and was actively, eagerly seeking it.

It dawned on me that I was not making an effort at all. My effort came in the form of reconsidering 'an imperfect' candidate and focusing on the person's fine qualities and 'mentschlichkite' instead of the items on a long laundry list such as age, looks etc. I assesed whether i could respect this person and his thinking and way of life.

B"h, the man i said 'no' to for 5 years, and decided to take another look at became my husband. with each passing year, my love and respect for him only grow.

the couples that i know who married 'for love' have had a really hard life with much incompatibility and dissapointment.

My advice to the girls who are looking and waiting, take a better look and focus on the man behind the facade, and chose with your mind. If you respect your future spouse, you will definitely come to love them.
(5/13/2009 3:53:16 PM)
19
really?
could it also be due to the facts that one Shadchanim aren't really doing their jobs. they roll the dice , throw things against the wall so to speak & see what sticks? The shidduch crisis has to do with the facts that Shadchanim are either lazy or unwilling to do their jobs for some or do it right & why the automatic rejection of some simply because they are from the wrong group they are disqualified based upon phony false rumors or other stupidity i.e. not shpitz or their parents are b.t.'s no money etc.!!!! Yagati V'lo Matzasi Al Tzaamin!!!
(5/13/2009 4:08:40 PM)
20
On target
Very well written... Right on target. It is 100% true that today's frum/Lubavitch communities have been outright effected by the secular world.

It is without a shadow of a doubt that movies and internet have shattered the pure motives that are supposed to be attained as clearly spelled out by the author.

One that wishes to down-play movies and say they are not effected by watching them and that it is no big deal watching movies, he/she knows deep down how wrong they are.

It's a little like the explanation given about people who deny there is a G-d ; if they were to admit there was a G-d in the world they would have no choice but to be commit themselves to the cause/yiddishkeit. By denying there is an existence they automaticly free themselves from their guilty conscience.

Enough said...
(5/13/2009 4:27:34 PM)
21
Why always blame it on others???
It's very easy to blame the shidduch crisis on the shadchanim. But eventhough they don't always suggest matching people, we, the dating youth, have to make an effort to focus on the right things. One of the comments said that they want the same excitement they saw by their friends. Those friends probably didn't share witht hem their sleepless nights of doubts, wondering if they were making the right decision....
It is only very rare to find a choson or a kalla who are 100% sure about their decision. After all, you have no guarantee whatsoever about what the future holds for you! and it's not like you have any experience in marriage, as much as you think you do!
So yes, I agree, we need to go out with our mind, and not mix up the details for the major things. It is true that it can happen that you'll have someone who is exactly what you are looking for, but it doesn't feel right (It happened to me). But also remember to look at what is important before dropping off a shidduch.
(5/13/2009 4:32:13 PM)
22
to #16
Yes my dear, we are living in the age where everyone just wants and just expects. So if he expects and wants,and she expects and wants ,who is going to give.Living is about giving.
(5/13/2009 4:45:54 PM)
23
n schaps
to the guy who writes about billions of hollywood dollars..... christians spend just as much, does that make it something good and truthful.......

listen to what the rebbe has to say about love..... watch the living torah about a month or two back.
those who say they want MORE...... are all of your parents in unloving relationships? IF so, i feel bad that you see everyone in that generation as missing out. And if not, why not try it their way, this way ain't gettin you married. aren't you STILL WAITING...........
if you would understand that a marriage isn't all about I and how I feel , but rather how you want the OTHER person to feel, because you love that person, so you want the best for that person. if that would be your perspective, then you would find the person who you RESPECT because of their qualities and feel HONORED to be married to him/her. LOVE, comes after you both have given of yourselves to one another. (which btw, while dating and engagement, no one gives anything tangible of him/herself. and if youn think you do you obviously never got married.)
(5/13/2009 4:59:19 PM)
24
very 'chasidish'!!!
(5/13/2009 5:03:00 PM)
25
To #5
I know a girl, she is 25+, and she practically said no to every boy she dated.
She is still single, and she is very sad and lonely. As she gets older her options for a suitable Shidduch are quickly diminishing. She has expressed regret for not saying YES, even when the feelings were not as intense as she would have liked. She realizes she had the option to marry a lot of fine young boys where they shared a certain degree of mutual chemistry and attraction. But she said no over and over again. So, instead of being happily married, this poor girl lives alone sadly watching her peers as they raise their children. She has no friends her age - as they are all married and leading busy lives.

She would go back and say YES to one of these boys if she was able to, BUT...they are all already married.

Just something to think about before you say "NO" to another great guy/ girl.

(5/13/2009 5:21:40 PM)
26
To: Oh, stop it Please
You are clearly not married, because if you were, you would know how misled you are! over 50% of those fallen in love marriages out there end in divorce. We may have divorce in our community, but it doesn't come close.
My mashpia told me so correctly when I was dating, You don't need to love him, you need to know that you can. I didn't then, but i do now! 'nuf said
(5/13/2009 6:01:57 PM)
27
To #25
You say "she had the option to marry a lot of fine young boys."

1) Interesting! You think one girl could marry many boys!!!
All at once? Could you tell us which country allows this?
2) how would you explain that each person has ONE bashert? if you say she had many.
(5/13/2009 6:19:42 PM)
28
Great Article
I wish i have read this article a long time ago..(as i also thought that i must be swept of my feet straight away- since all my friends told me they knew straight away that that's the guy) and i kind of messed up with someone... i guess i learned the hard way.
(5/13/2009 8:57:45 PM)
29
It's the personality thing!
Sometimes the "personality" is different. Then it makes sense to break it off after only 4 short dates.

Or like in my case, I dated someone and thought it was really going in the right direction, but on the 4th date I discovered that the person was completely crazy.

How did I find out? The person said "no."
(5/13/2009 9:10:44 PM)
30
stop digging!!!
The problem as I see it is that EVERYONE knows EVERYTHING about EVERYONE today, through friends, family, schools etc and no one is perfect! The more you dig the more you find and the more you reject so everyone is waiting for the perfect mate the has no negatives good luck!!!
(5/13/2009 9:25:57 PM)
31
Walk a mile in our shoes....
..... Attraction is a natural component, created by Hashem. Unless you have had the experience of dating someone and having absolutly no emotional/physical/mental connection or even having a connection on a miniscule scale do not judge and write an Op-Ed about the situation. Do you think its an easy proccess? When we go out on a Shidduch date it is after a lot of research is done. Once everything looks good on paper or in theory we then go out and meet. The point of these dates is to verify if there is a connection between ourselves and the other party. Do you think it is easy to say no? Do you know how frustrating it is and time consuming not to mention how draining it is to go through this proccess time and time again.
I for one would rather be told that the person I just went out with is not interested and stop where it is than to keep going out hoping that it is going somewhere when it clearly isnt for the other person. To be told 'nothing doing' when you are expecting an engagement.
These are my thoughts, which I am sharing. I do not impose them on others. Nor should any Op-Ed's, shadchanim, married friends/family etc impose their thoughts on a situation they clearly know nothing about.
(5/13/2009 9:31:02 PM)
32
number 9
anonymous I dont see your name signed here....:)
(5/13/2009 11:10:44 PM)
33
Of course the feeling comes later :)
I've been married fifteen years and Im still waiting (Just Kidding)

There are many times when a young guy or girl going on a date wanting to do the right thing, reads an article like this and ends up forcing themselves into a shidduch that they are not happy with.

At best they work on themselves and always have to fight the urge to look at other people's spouses and individuals.
and two lives are ruined.

Yes, there will probably be feelings of doubt before a good healthy engagement and relationships, and sometimes the Specimen you are looking for doesnt exist, and by following your romantic fantasies you can end up single forever, but if you're not into it and are FULL of doubt, then it's not for you. Just say no now, and dont prolong the agony for your date.
(5/13/2009 11:33:14 PM)
34
Hollywood, Nashville and drugs..
Yes: The secular perception perception of love and romance HAS captured our imagination. And it should. Because if billions of dollars of Hollywood films, Nashville music, books and literature are based on the premise that the Secular 'perception' is reality, doesn't there have to be something to it?
---I seriously hope you are being sarcastic.

If not all I have to say is that billions of dollars are also spent per year on drugs which alter peoples' perception of reality.
(5/14/2009 12:04:56 AM)
35
Sad
It would be nice to see quotes from the Rebbe, being that all this is found in quite a few letters, but the author is right .
(5/14/2009 12:11:54 AM)
36
To #25
to add what #27 wrote:
3) If any of these men were her Bashert they would not have married other women!
(5/14/2009 1:08:46 AM)
37
# 29
Why crazy because she said no after 4 times, because YOUR ego got hurt ???? Maybe she saw something in your behavior that she didn't like?? Or maybe something disturbed her and she tried and saw that its not going away- that makes her crazy???
(5/14/2009 2:41:34 AM)
38
to collive editors:
FYI: another website is copying all your comments and re posting them

I wrote a comment here and i see it there now. Isn't that weired?

I wonder if they will copy this comment too ;-)
(5/14/2009 3:19:24 AM)
39
To 37
I think you are a little harsh, dont you think? Maybe there was really nothing wrong with either of them, but the person backed out for whatever reason - not always is it becasue something is "disturbing" or "makes you crazy"
Just some food for thought....
(5/14/2009 3:23:49 AM)
40
Hello!!
To all those who are commenting in such a defensive way:
Stop being so defensive about not having gotten married when you weren't sure about anyone yet.
Its fine to take your time to be sure, etc.
That said, I also think instead of getting all upset and angry that you are being misjudged and misunderstood, take a step back and say to yourself "Can I learn something here?" Have I been shallow?
I know that;s what I thought when I first read this article.
(5/14/2009 3:26:21 AM)
41
CH Mom
I dont know about all of you, but I am a bit surprised by this whole article and the comments. We as frum people should have totally different hashkafois and goals, and the whole idea of shidduchim and marriage has been discussed by the Rebbe a few times.
I remember in Seminary we had a teacher who told us that the Rebbe told her when she was having a hard time finding the right shidduch that she should stop reading romantic novel, they were clouding her judgement.
Our girls should have different priorities than the rest of the world... This is what sets us apart.
(5/14/2009 4:25:55 AM)
42
Oh, stop it, PLEASE! #
Why is half of holywood cheating, divorced and misrable?
(5/14/2009 4:27:18 AM)
43
Married Guy
The Rebbe and Twersky, Manas Freedmen and others generaly have the same corect conclusion that love growes as you give to the other. That causes more conections between 2 soles. The rebbe would always makes sure that when 2 people asked for a brocha of engagement it would be to build a house according to torah.

Sheker hachain v'heval hayofie .... Yiras Hashem is whats praisworthy.

(5/14/2009 4:42:35 AM)
44
TO #7....BLAH BLAH BLAH
Love and romance is a precondition essential to my getting engaged. That said, the premise and source of your assumptions are highly disturbing! I truly hope your life doesn’t imitate the archetype Russian novel/ Hollywood love story…ending in divorce, violence even suicide!

Perhaps the problem lies not in what we are meant to feel, but which route and through what provenance we aspire to attain that love. We cannot expect the classic love at first sight, or even a certain “knowing” on the first few dates. It takes time and effort to truly develop a deep connection with someone. I personally, have many friends who were uncertain but after a lengthy period discovered love….bottom line: hurray for love and hurray for sense, patience and chassidish routes in getting there!!....blah blah blah blah...

(5/14/2009 5:07:34 AM)
45
a word from the author
Dear walk a mile in our shoes

I have walked countless of miles in your shoes!!! I am not imposing my thoughts on anyone, neither am I judging or putting down anyone.

I am single myself and I am more then aware of what the dating scene is all about. I know about the frustration, the waiting, the draining process more you could possibly imagine
True , I would love to feel the fireworks and be madly in love before I decide to get engaged to my future husbnd, but over the years life has taught me what real love is all about, and so instead of keeping it t myself I wanted to share it with others and hopefully give insight to many reading this

I'm sorry you took this in such a negative way, and I sincerely hope you find your beshert very soon!
(5/14/2009 5:09:31 AM)
46
To: walk a mile in our shoes,
I salute the authors honesty in her reply to 'Walk a mile in our shoes". . obviously this came from someone who has ,as she puts it, walked countless , countless miles in those shoes. . how else would she /he be able to express her/himself so
eloquently??? Its ONLY someone , who is in it themselves , who can give over with such clarity that what was written. . and I amongest many many others,( judging by the long long list of those who wrote in support of this tremendous piece of work) salute and respect all that was written wholeheartedly. .
Much hatzlocha. .
(5/14/2009 7:07:00 AM)
47
wow
wow so many comments on this!
(5/14/2009 7:49:27 AM)
48
about love and about listening to parents
falling in love means with the physical, and you get so carried away with it that you don't discuss anything about life, you are so busy being in love. After the Sheva Brochos week is over and everyday life sets in, it hits you that you haven't the faintest idea who you married. 2nd point: Listen to your parents, they raised you, they know you, and they know what marriage is all about, so when they think a certain Shidduch is good for you, trust them, don't fight them. They usually know what's best for you.
(5/14/2009 8:46:25 AM)
49
On the topic
Every decision to marry is a leap of faith to some degree. You can never really know before.
Love is also about your commitment to another being. When both parties invest so much into the relationship and one another, by giving and receiving constantly, it continues to strengthen the love.
Whether there is love before marriage (and I doubt that is possible because love develops over time) or not, a couple needs to know that they are ABLE to love each other before committing.
(5/14/2009 1:17:17 PM)
50
to #25
tell her to reconsider going out with some of the guys she had a good connection with if she feels that way, if they are still available and interested.
(5/14/2009 3:53:04 PM)
51
WELL HOWS THIS FOR AN OPINION
why dont you look a bit deeper and ask yourself "would the problem maybe never had been in the first place if there wasnt som much judging based on family, background, money, and other situations"? maybe if people would be a bit more open minded to the type of names that come up, and maybe if your "shaddchanim" actually worked to sove the problem, insted of working with the "perfect" name and family, maybe then?
(5/14/2009 4:32:08 PM)
52
what about us second timers
i am divorced and looking i have been on dates, it is hard, i dated for over 3 months only for the man to turn round and say that he didnt think it would go this far, Doh! so why are you dating then, and also he thought he could date me for a couple of years blah blah blah, - that was and he is the pitts! As i said i am a second time rounder i was married the first time for 16 years, and the message i got from the shadchonim were, you get the name, you do the research and then when all is done then come back and we will make a phone call and for that they will only charge me 1000's of $$$$$$. There is nothing positive to say about the shidduch scene, in plain english it's a mess! if you hve money/good name/yichus etc your ok, well maybe not my family are pretty well known and yet nothing is happening!
(5/16/2009 8:58:05 PM)
53
4 points
Let me tell all the female readers of this page that the opening word: "We all dream of "falling in love" and being totally swept away in a wave of passion and excitement." and the subsequent elaboration would never be said by a bachur who was born and is frum. "We all?" Males and females are very different.

#18 is correct. Go there now if you've not read it.

Should a frum website have such explicit expressions like "We all dream of "falling in love" and being totally swept away in a wave of passion and excitement. etc. etc.?" There is such a thing as tznius in speech. And frum boys in particular should not be reading such things on any website, let alone on a frum one. If you don't understand the previous sentence you probably are not married with sons of your own.

Finally, regarding the content of this article. Perhaps, if girls (who are afflicted the premature expectation : We all dream of "falling in love" etc. etc. ) Would learn what marriage really is about, they might date with their minds first, and then see if emotions develop. What is marriage about? Well the first of many, many things is: two opposite types of people selflessly giving to each other to create a one-ness. You try living that way for a while and the feelings per force will emerge, and they will be true and enduring.
(5/16/2009 9:11:42 PM)
54
to 4 points..
Since when is love secluded just for the secular world? There is a well know story when the rebbe was having a discussion with Mrs Chana Sharfstein about this very topic which the author shares her views with , how we get so caught up in reading romantic novels etc and goes on to teach this young women a lesson on love. Are you implying that the not modest in his speech too?...........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes frum boys AND very chassidish boys are very exposed to the world we live in and have their own natural feelings and desires, simply because they are HUMON!
I have a very chassidish brother who had a hard time making a decision based on uncertainties whether or not he loved her. Somehow people translate being chassidish as to mean that these boys have no idea about love and marriage,,,

WAKE UP!!!!!

(5/17/2009 4:33:40 AM)
55
Love grows.........
I was not attracted to my husband,nor did I 'love' him when I agreed to marry him but I knew I was marring a Baal Midos Tovos , a Mentch and an extremely intelligent ,kind person. He was not my young girl fantasy man but Hashem knew what I needed more than I did, and going on all the above things I saw in him I married him which proved to be the best thing I would ever do in my life!
13 yrs later he is my best friend ,I love him more than anything AND I am extremely attracted to him. We are blissfully happy and his attributes are the very thing that has kept me sane thru some very difficult times Hashem has tested us with.
Instead of focusing on the things which were on my ‘ wish list’ I didn’t get (b’h), It has been a beautiful journey in discovering the wonderful person my husband is………..

(5/17/2009 12:31:31 PM)
56
Dear Anonymous
I appreciated your article. very well said.
If I may add--The Rebbe has answered dozens of times to people "hamshochas halev". As you stated, there must be an attraction. That's why the Rebbe has also advised some to take a break for up to a month or two (maybe because absence makes the heart grow fonder) because that will also arouse behamshochas halev, the feelings of attraction and love.

Thanks for a great article. Keep up the great work.

Rabbi Shea Hecht
(5/18/2009 3:02:26 AM)
57
TO #54
the rebbe told her "life is not a noval" meaning if you'd like to read those books, fine, but dont think life will be that way! (and those days the books out there werent like the "trash love books" these days) meaning love builds over time, you cant just meet someone and then love them, life isnt a noval
Mrs. Sharfstein will be the first to tell you that love builds,if its over night it will collapse
(5/18/2009 8:46:03 AM)
58
To Rabbi Shea Hecht from the author
Thank you for your kind words!

They were much appreciated..
(5/18/2009 8:49:22 AM)
59
still looking
i hope more people will read this and take to hart what you have so insitfully and correctly put down. There are a few more reasons there are a lot of problems today besides what you have so rightfully and clearly put down.

to mention just a few more :-often some people think no, i can do better or what will my friends say.
Unfotunatly it is possible to push away ones true zivig., not all of us have the chance to make a mistake and then to rectify it.
Another reason are that some (not all) shadchonim think they have a right to play g-d and think they are alowed to make judgments , often unjustifyd on whom they will feel comfortable suggesting to who.
most imprtant is as mentioned in one reply is the most solid foundation is not love but a connection, being comfortable and being able to see yes you can go further.you need someone with good midos who will respect be kind and suport you as you will them.
love grows, the ones that fall in love instantly are the ones that get a shock when they get married and often realize it was an ilousion, and marraige has to worked on.
the old way is the best do your reserch then see if there is a connection dont beleive what you watch in the movies or books, its fantasy created to capture your imagination, true life one has to work for things.
We should take the good from the secular world such as see a movie to take ones mind off things and relax not beleive it, would you go rob a bank or kill someone because that is what you saw, its not real life is it?
if you feel it wrong then ofcourse
say no,but if there is a chance say yes and hashem will be with you all the way through thick and thin. dont give up be strong. hatzlocho rabbo to everyone still looking
(5/21/2009 4:45:08 PM)
(6/23/2009 10:13:17 AM)
61
Real love
I couldn't agree more with #55. I was pretty young when I got engaged, and like her, I also did not "love" my husband when I got engaged to him, or when I got married. He didn't even have everything on my "list", but he did (and does) have everything important: good midos, yiras shomayim, and a personality that is compatible with mine. My mashpia, parents, and others helped me understand that at this point, you only have to feel like you can see yourself feeling comfortable living with this person......We are now married close to ten years B"H. The love did come with time, and actually, it was and still is very exciting to see it unfold, as more time passes and we share more life experiences.

Don't expect someone who is perfect, and don't expect to feel love at first sight because both are imaginary and not reality.
(9/14/2009 1:16:38 AM)
62
yeah yeah
dream on i mean seriously after dating, the wedding,sheva brachos and everything the real life starts even fighting
(7/29/2010 6:39:17 PM)
63
Marry in Haste Divorce in Leisure
Sometimes you are pushed to marry because of other considerations such as having skeletons in the closet which are not of your doing, eg a sibling who is mentally ill.
(12/1/2010 1:23:50 PM)
64
Secular Perspective - You'll Be Surprised...
Having grown up secular, and still not living a Torah lifestyle, but very involved in our local Chabad I will tell you this. I deeply love my husband, but we often dissapoint eachother. There were things he did not want me to see or know about himeself and his world view before marriage, and I am sure he at times feels the same with me. We met and married when I was 27. Young for a secular jew out in the world, independent. I am often sad about his negative view of the world and lack of faith, even though he is also jewish. As much as he loves me too, I am sure I dissapoint him on a regular basis.
There is something to be said for a traditional Chabad approach to marriage and dating, for research before meeting, for commonality of goals and values taking precedence over "That Feeling". That feeling IS fleeting. For every couple. Commonality of goals, friendship, and faith fuel the fire over time.
(3/6/2011 3:46:54 PM)
65
SHTECHING MUST STOP!!!!!
I enjoyed reading the article.
As chassidim we know that SHTECING one another is against the whole inyun of ahavas yisroal, all you have done is hurt someone else which is very bad, so let us all love each other and moshiach will come faster.
(10/27/2012 4:34:36 PM)
66
Give the man a chance! Butterflies are not something to go on.
As a once religious young lady, I was thrown into the dating pool once I made Aliyah. I befriended a young man who was just my friend. He had a nice voice, good midot and, bh is very, very smart. I was not at all interested in him at the beginning! I went on dates with other prospective men. Nothing stuck, but I continued to chat with this smart, nice friend of mine. Over time, I realized that this was someone that I could see a future with. He has similar values, he accepted me for who I am and was not quick to judge. He helped me to navigate the complexity that is Israel. I realized that this kind man with whom I had chatted with was someone that I wanted to date. Somehow, that came to pass. We are now married.

All this to say that give the man a chance. Don't expect butterflies and an immediate attraction. Look for someone who you can talk to, who you feel at ease with. The feelings will grow and hopefully it will lead to finding your best friend, your companion and your husband.

Had I been quick to judge, I probably would have lost out on the most fabulous man in the world (for me). I would have said, oh, there is no chemistry and moved on to a new date with a new guy, but I am sure glad that I didn't.
(6/12/2013 5:24:12 PM)
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