Racheli Muchnik – www.rachelisthoughts.com
One of the first things I did the night after my brother Ariel passed away was search my email for our previous exchanges. I found the most recent one, from one week before his sudden passing.
On Sunday morning, I had emailed him a question, as I so often did while preparing for a class. I was preparing to teach my students a Parsha class the next day.
“Hey Ariel, I’ve heard the phrase of “murgen vet zain gur andresh” – where is that from? A story/anecdote?”
I had heard the phrase used amongst Chassidim, encouraging each other to make resolutions, make tomorrow a better day. It translates as “tomorrow will be totally different”.
Whenever I needed something sourced, I’d check in with Ariel – he seemed to get me answers faster than any other web-based search engine could.
He didn’t let me down this time.
A few minutes later, I received a response:
“Reb Zushe of Anipole would say it every night in Kriyas Shema Al Hamita [the evening Shema prayer]. But then he would challenge himself – “But Zushe, you said that last night?!” And then he would respond to himself – “But tonight I MEAN IT!”
And the tradition continued: The Chassidishe Temimim (students) in the Yeshivah in Lubavitch would also say it during Kriyas Shema Al Hamita.
So I heard from a Mashpia [mentor] in Yeshivah in Kfar Chabad 20 years ago. (And at that Farbrengen he said it too!)”
I was so excited by his detailed and speedy reply, so I immediately responded:
“Ahhhh – Ariel I love you – you’re the best ! 🙂
This is perfect!
I almost gave up on finding out the details…”
Before I hit send, I was about to delete the words “I love you”. Not sure why – I guess it suddenly felt awkward. But then I decided to leave it. I thought to myself, “How often do I verbalize that to him? When was the last time I told him I loved him?” So I left it. I never imagined that it would be my last opportunity to say those words to him before his passing.
I am grateful for the opportunity I had to let him know that I loved him and appreciated him.
Each day that passes, the pain grows stronger and deeper. As the shock slowly lifts, and the bitter reality begins to sink in, I feel an eerie emptiness in my heart. During the day – I keep busy, the children make me laugh, and I feel I can move forward. But at night, the heavy emotions rise. It’s a roller-coaster of feelings! Sadness for the loss. Emptiness because I feel a part of me has died. Endless tears for his wife Miriam. Guilt over not having made more opportunities to enjoy the time we had him. Embarrassment over not strengthening our relationship more. Grief. Confusion because I’m not sure why it hurts so much if this doesn’t affect my daily life like it does for his wife and children. Frustration with people who don’t acknowledge my pain. Irritability at ‘small-talk’ and happy faces. Guilt to be alive. An overall heaviness and sadness that is not possible to put into words…
So I pull out his last email. And it helps. He is talking to me! He is reminding me of something so important – and so easy to forget during this tough time; Murgen vet zain gur andresh – tomorrow will be COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. It is going to be so much better!!! As black as this night feels – I have a crystal clear bright morning awaiting me. Life will be better. People around me will be better. I will be better. True, I said that last night, but tonight I really mean it!!
One morning, we will all wake up to the incredible news – to the final Geulah – the final Redemption. That morning will come right after a night as black as tonight feels.
Tomorrow will be so different. Tomorrow Moshiach will be here.
Ariel – thank you for leaving me with words of hope.
Hashem is picking roses for His garden above???Gan Eden is merely a “holding block” for souls until the ultimate reward – the Messianic Era – At that time the souls will be reunited with their bodies – At that time the ESSENCE of Hashem will be revealed in the physical world…In the REALM wherein His nation lovingly TOILED & SACRIFICED for 1,000’s of yrs.to create a DWELLING PLACE for the CREATOR!
I can attest that you’re not exaggerating about Ariel’s Z.L. vast knowledge.
I had the privilege to spend many summers and Yeshivah years with Ariel and had many conversations with him, I remember I bought a Sefer called Lama uMadua Heichon Vikama (Questions and answers in Tanach etc. kehos 1996) (I believe it was 1997 in Yeshivah Kfar Chabad) I opened the book and began reading the questions (most I had no clue about) he answered everything perfectly on the spot….
May his neshomo have an Aliya.
Moshiach Now!
L.Y.T.
What a gift of writing, baruch Hashem, you can use it on your journey to healing. And how beautiful it was in expression for me to see those words written, for my own personal losses, so may we all be comforted along with the rest of the mourners of tzion V’rushalayim.
time to tell our loved ones that we love them
so good to verbalize it
thank you racheli
more power and strength to you
Thank you for sharing this….very touching. May Hashem comfort you during this time of immense pain & sorrow.
Eagerly yearning for Moshiach as well,
Devorah Lipsh Beit Shemesh Israel
Your article made me drop everything and learn a masechta mishnayos leiluy nishmoso. Umocho Hashem Dimoh me-al Kol Ponim
The lesson I take away from this beautiful story is that we should always show and express our appreciation and love to our family and friends in the here and now, and not wait until 120 to talk about how much we “loved” them.
thank you for sharing
This has touched a deep part of my soul. There is always hope.Thank you for sharing. You will never know what an impact this short exchange between your brother a”h and yourself has had on me. Thank you.
Ariel, beg Hashem to send us Moshiach now!
Thank you for sharing !
So sad and inspiring. Please write more; we all have a lot to learn from you and Ariel.
כואב הלב.. ומסרב לעכל!!
הפתרון היחיד ביאת משיח צדקינו בפועל ממש עם הרבי בראשנו
ונזכה לראות את אריאל יחד עם כל השלוחים החסרים…
אחי הרב ישראל ברוך ע”ה בוטמן הרב מולע אזימאוו הרב דניאל מוסקוביץ’. הרב מרדכי גל הרב שמואלביץ, השליחה מרת מינקאוויטש ועוד כל השלוחים היקרים שחסרים לנו כ”כ
Beautifully written!!!!
So touching wow.
I met him a week or 2 before he passed away in a resort in palm springs, he asked me: are you so and so’s brother?” I said yes! He then went on to tell me about how he was a shliach of his in wilkes barre and asked how he was doing.. such a nice person. My only regret was not speaking to him longer as i was in a rush.
Moshiach now!!!
Please Hashem should comfort you.
I recently lost my two parents close together and have also experienced the “roller-coaster.”
He was so young- and one could imagine, very sweet.
I am truly sorry.
B”H we really need Mossiach, like right away.
If my husband BJ and I can help in any way, yourself or your sister-in-law, we would be happy to.
May we hear only Good.
Bracha and BJ
As one who never knew your brother or your family; it is a phrase I will really remember and is so special.
I feel your pain from losing your very special brother. I regret I never got to know him. I would love to hear more of his insights. Your sharing has inspired me.
Interesting this entire day the phrase was going through my mind and not in connection to anything in specific. Thanks for sharing
Thank you so much for reaching out beyond your pain to bring words of inspiration and nechama to the rest of us.
Rocheli thank you for sharing a deep part of your self and your feelings. As chassdidim we all feel your pain, and await the day for moshiach with you, Miriam and your whole family.
Chazak
So powerful. So beautiful. Thank you for sharing. IY’H tomorrow will be different, better; the Geula hash’leima v’ho’amitis!
Ot Ot kumt Moshiach! Im lo achshav, eimatai? This is the only expression we have left that we can express our total yearning and bitachon in his coming. May your family and all of Klal Yisrael very soon have the true nachama for this galut with his immediate arrival bekarov mamash, NOW!
so powerful…
Moshiach Now Can feel your pain and may the day come mamesh NOW when Hashem will erase every tear
so nice so touching, i’m very inspired. just pure good, enough
of this bitter galus!! enough politics, we need moshiach now!!
wow, what a powerful message – thank you for sharing! I am going through a loss in my own life and reading your words gives me light to the darkness…
so touching, and so real, thank you for sharing
Dearest Racheli you’re so real and inspiring
I wish you strength to get through this til you are united really soon with your brother.
From the Shlucha where you were the greatest counselor in CT