Apr 26, 2009
Yes, 'Waiting' for My Shidduch

Anonymous Op-Ed: Why is everyone looking at me with these miserable faces and sorrowful eyes at L'Chaims or weddings while I don't feel the same about myself?

Dear friends and yentes,

You can look at me with those sorrowful eyes and with pity at L'Chaims or weddings, but whatever you do don't tell me "I hope it happens to you soon."

"Soon" is a relative concept and if you would be in my place (a 23 year-old girl with most of my friends - except me and another four - married with children) it would sound irritating too.

This is not going to be another op-ed complaining and criticizing the Shidduch system. I just would like to give you another perspective of the words "Im Yirtze Hashem Ba Dir."

The concept of time is full of mystery, Professor Herman Branover and Professor Ruvin Ferber write. We intuitively feel that time cannot be stopped, we all exist in time, and everything is subject to time. It seems obvious that because we live in time, it is the prime measure of existence.

But Hashem has all the time in the world.

You never thought to yourself: Couldn't He create the world in 6 minutes as opposed to 6 days? Why do I have to wait? Why wait in for the food to be ready, why wait for the red light, why wait for the line at the shop.

Life is full of moments that require patience, forbearance and a deep breath.

So why is everyone feeling bad for me? My neighbors, aunts and uncles, father's friends, mother's friends, former teachers at Bais Rivka, cousins in law, sister's friend on Shlichus, my boss at work, the ladies in Shul on Shabbos (the worst scenario), the Hispanic guy at Bunch-O (ok, that's already me being paranoid).

Why is everyone looking at me with these miserable faces while I don't feel the same about myself?

Didn't you ever wait for your coffee at Starbucks? Ever leaf through magazines waiting for Dr. Rosen? Never blocked your nose in the subway station until your train arrived?

Well, I am in line too.

Not a Shidduch statistic, but a girl with feelings, hopes and dreams waiting for my turn in Hashem's world. If you really care, do something instead of staring at me.

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Opinions and Comments
1
almost 23
wow, this is precisely what i go through.
thank you for writing this.
(4/26/2009 5:58:23 AM)
2
Smile.
sweet girl, most people aren^t staring at you. And a brocho from a yid is a powerful thing. Accept them happily and willingly. Hatzlocho rabo on this journey of yours and all your future ones.
(4/26/2009 6:01:01 AM)
3
Happiness breaks thru all barriers!
B’‘H, there are hundreds of young people who need shiduchim. The social makeup and knowing who is who among our young people is almost impossible to ascertain. Young people need to have more input, and more ways of letting society know who they are.

Often parents are too involved and do not allow perfectly good shiduchim. Often parents are too little involved and no shiduchim are brought to them. Worst off all are parents who think honestly they know who their children are and what they want. However, exactly the opposite is the reality.

The parents do not know what the children want. Since often we raise children in our society to pretend one way, although it is completely the opposite of what their heart wants.

Perhaps someone can come up with a better system?
(4/26/2009 6:07:22 AM)
4
huh???
Would u rather ppl ingorning you and not even asking? Or when they do ask, should they answer 'good' when hearing that you are still single and looking?
I don't get you
(4/26/2009 6:07:54 AM)
5
shadchan tired
ON THE OTHER HAND THE SHADCHANIM IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD LEAVE AN AWFUL LOT TO BE DESIRED!!!! SOME ARE PRETTY USELESS AND OTHERS HAVE THIS LOUSY ATTITUDE
(4/26/2009 6:08:47 AM)
6
Brilliant!
(4/26/2009 6:15:33 AM)
7
any suggestions???
how do you think the Shiduch system in Chabad could be improved???

BTW -- don't worry about all the stares you get. People who look at everything as being half empty will give you those looks, you obviously see things, the cup is half full. Good for you and keep on truckin.....
(4/26/2009 6:19:31 AM)
8
25 and going strong
how about 25 and 25 plus is there another label other than post seminary with several stars. we r an elite group going strong, we r teaching your children, grandchildren, helping u out in your shlichus without any responsibities interfering. respect and awe would be in place instead of yentishe frowns and crocodile sighs.
(4/26/2009 6:25:56 AM)
9
Laaniyas Dayti
1) So eloquently said.
2) However this eloquence evokes (in me, at least) a sense of concern, that you may call "pity". And so the wheel goes around - sometimes spinning.
3) There is an inherent problem in what you are facing. Chazal tell us that before the child is born.... "bas ploni to ploni...". So we assume it is this certainty you justifiably await.
4) EXCEPT: Pre-Rabbenu Gershom (from the time of that maamar Chazal) there could be multiple "bas ploini"s to one ploni...
5) In the 10 centuries since Rabbenu Gershom childbirth took its toll and many men re-married, probably a majority to "as-yet-unmarried" girls. (Check your family history - if you go back 3 generations there is a statistical 99% chance a g-father re-married.)
6) In today's "setup" there are (as a fact) girls who do not find a shidduch (and are 40+ years old.)
7) I do not know you, but I do know some girls (one is close to 40!) who's "list" of requirements places them on the wrong side of the "game".
8) THE GOOD NEWS: As the Rebbe often quoted, "pessi ya'amin lekol..." and "Shomer pessa'yim Hashem..." - My experience is that those who truly believe with emunah shleima (meaning: not an urealistic list) do find the nicest of shidduchim.

P.S. It is my intention to post another perspective on this issue, when time allows.
(4/26/2009 6:27:50 AM)
10
very nice and true
Guys and girls, please stop making us bochrim or girls feel bad. if you realy care do something about it!
(4/26/2009 6:29:23 AM)
11
SO TRUE!!
Sometimes you don't want to go to a friends l'chaim just because of all the pitiful stares and annoying comments......
(4/26/2009 6:35:57 AM)
12
agree!
wow! this is exactly what i've been saying for the last 3 years and i'm only almost 21!
very well written!
(4/26/2009 6:36:02 AM)
13
20-something-year-old-bachelor
Personally, I don't mind the "iy"h by you" wishes, at least the person is pretending to take note of the fact that you're still single. As far as "another op-ed complaining and criticizing the Shidduch system", I think that might actually be more effective than a 'touching' metaphysical reassurance...
(4/26/2009 6:41:50 AM)
14
From your fellow unmarried 23 year old bais rivka girl
I too am waiting on line...thank you for your beautiful article. It was really an inspiration.
(4/26/2009 6:55:49 AM)
15
well written
i got married late, and i know too well how anoying when ppl say iy"h by you soon.
p.s the shadchanim don't care about you, they just want your money. hatzlochaoh
(4/26/2009 7:05:00 AM)
16
Surrendered Single
Read the Surrendered Single and relax. Control is the enemy of intimacy. No one is looking at you and if they are you must be pretty. No one is staring - it's your perception.
(4/26/2009 7:17:16 AM)
17
Regarding "Bashert".
"If you really care, do something instead of staring at me. "

When it comes to Shidduchim, there are things that are beyond your control, and things that are withing your control. You need to make sure that you are doing anything and everything within your control to make a vessel for Hashem's Brocho to manifest itself in this world.

That said...

Before you decide to blame "society" for your Shidduch issues, ask yourself this: Am I REALLY doing everything I can on my part, or am I just sitting around and waiting for something good to happen?

Am I behaving mature and doing something productive with my life right now (like a full-time job), or am I just hanging out with my friends and having fun? (Hint: people don't like that.)

Besides being dressed modestly, am I dressed NORMALLY, or do I look like a meditation artist living in an abandoned apartment in Manhattan? (Hint: guys don't like that)

Before writing articles that bash Bochrim for not seeing beyond the external, ask yourself this: Am I in shape, or am I clearly not in shape and expect a Bochur to only look at my inner beauty? (You don't have to be "skinny", but you have to be in shape. This applies to Bochrim too, but especially to girls.) If this wasn't a Chabad website I would get very, very technical about this, because I think it is very important.

I don't speak for everyone, but somehow I think that I am speaking for the majority.

Go ahead, feel free to criticize and make yourself feel good, but these facts won't change.
(4/26/2009 7:17:55 AM)
18
you will get married on time for YOU!
says HaShem, not me!

And I was 28 (not frum) when I got married, and barely mature at that age, even. It is better to marry the right person for you than be married for the sake of being married anyhow. Are all these people who are clucking their tongues happy, or just relieved that they're married like everyone else? Your bshert will arrive on the scene when HaShem decides it's time. You can have the shidduch scene - I hope it falls apart long before my kids are that age!
(4/26/2009 7:18:30 AM)
19
im 28
im also waiting.please g-d.
(4/26/2009 7:39:24 AM)
20
Reality check?
Uh, possible problem is that being single in the Chabad world is not really valued or respected. But you only have a place in the community once you are married, Yet the years one is single are very important and in many ways such a gift. The people "staring" don't seem to realize that, maybe they never will? Oh well, their loss.
(4/26/2009 7:40:02 AM)
21
A BOCHURS RESPONSE..
In the society in which we find ourselves today and with all of the advances in technology and communication, it is almost hard to believe that we have a 'crisis' on our hands. The amount of guys and girls in lubavitch that are single has sky-rocketed in the last couple of years.
Blame it on what you want... people being too judgemental, too narrow-minded or the simple fact that we don't have the luxury of getting a written response from the rebbe about who we should marry.. the facts still remain.
I know that everyone has an opinon about what should be done and how to do it; 2 jews - 3 opinions , though I would like to propose a solution i know it is not perfect and it has its flaws yet it seems to me that it could work.

The solution: NETWORKING!
The rebbe rashab wrote that a person has to think about his children's education for at least half an hour a day. Lets bring this equation into the sidduch world, you have a newly married couple both the boy and girl are very socialble and outgoing if he could think of some of his friends and she her friends they could do some match-making, lets say set aside 10 minutes a day. The shadchan has only meet the boy or the girl for half an hour yet this boy knows his frend his whole life or at least spent a year yeshiva or a summer; you get the drift.
They could bring some singles togethor. While they may not have the same skills as a veteran shadchan they definitly have an advantage.

Yet we sadly find that most young married people fail to see this window of opportunity and like the above girl mentioned all they do is wish you 'IM YIRTZA .."
If they really cared they would pick up the phone and make some inquires. I am not saying that they are totally to blame of course not.. yet we as lubavitchers have a responsibility to one another, that we have to network on a much lager scale and when we do we might just find a match waiting to happen.

(4/26/2009 7:57:52 AM)
22
sara
I think the reason brachos from people is annoying to those who are not yet married is because they feel perhaps a bit embarrassed, or inadequate. Because in reality why should the good wishes of another Jew be annoying? If someone does not give you a bracha, they may feel they are being insensitive. Some people really feel hurt if nobody gives them a bracha and overlooks them. So you really cant blame someone for giving a blessing. YOu have to figure out why it is so annoying to you! Maybe the fact that you dont feel so bad is one reason your parents and uncles and aunts are worried. Parents naturally worry and never believe their kids dont feel bad. But certainly you have a good attitude of keeping your spirits up and of being positive and having btochon. That is admirable. But dont blame others if they dont have a shidduch for you. Someone out there will be the shaliach for your bashert but in the meantime, each bracha might bring you a step closer. Maybe when people down here take notice of you and feel pity, it arouses Hashem's pity and attention above and that in itself could speed up the shidduchim. So I dont know if that is such a negative thing....but I do understand it may make you feel uncomfortable. May all yidden find their basherts easily and at the right time.
(4/26/2009 8:03:21 AM)
23
reality check?
There is no "gift" in being lonely, in watching your friends and family get married whist the years go slipping by. There is no "gift" in having noone to share your life with, and having stand in the limelight exposed to the entire world whilst people critisize, judge and try come up with reasons why you aren't married yet...., please dont tell me its in my imagination, ive been in this shiddich world long enough to know how true this is.

excellent atricle!!
(4/26/2009 8:03:28 AM)
24
if your a good shidduch and the right age just get somone bc thair are alot of ppl who need a shidduch
(4/26/2009 8:07:35 AM)
25
Laaniys Dayti
To all the wonderful girls out there, living in a demographic low-tide. (Yes, there are more girls than boys.)

Tayereh bnos yisroel, listen to the confessions of an elterer yid from Mars (gender.)
a) The male species has a different (and more robust) ego than the feminine version (excluding some females of the masculine personality.)
b) A "grade A" bochur probably doesn't want a "grade A" girl (achiever in the secular, also known as a "bochurette" in the chassidish) - except that some fools fancy a pretty face and want tops there (alone).
c) WHY? He will not be aware , but he does not seek to be threatened - and in the flow of things that is so. (as the bumber sticker says: "It's the ego, stupid"). BUT it's also the fact of life.
d) So a grade A bochur usually gravitates to B; B gravitates to C; and C (certainly) gravitates to D. THE RESULT: Some grade A girls being offered grade D boys (by shadchanim who just have a list of names in 2 columns.)
e) SO YES, those of us who have tried to become involved, do feel for such cases. Can you allow us to feel a rachmoness? My heart cannot lock out the emotion that wells up when I see a diamond looking for a setting when the market offers wood or lead.
f) But maydlach, remember the ego. It's there. It will be there for life. (Of course there are tough girls who gravitate to nebs, but hey, that isn't you is it?)

P.S. Yet another perspective to post IYH when time gives.
(4/26/2009 8:09:49 AM)
26
We DO feel sorry for you!

This is an answer to the one that wrote that our society does not respect singles:

Hashem says that he created man and woman as one. Meaning that without one, the other is not complete.

Its not about if a married person is more happy then a single one. Its about being whole.

So, yes, we do feel sorry for you and all other singles - or bachelors as bochurim call themselves these days - that you are not complete.
(4/26/2009 8:20:52 AM)
27
#23 from Reality Check
No one wants to be lonely, or asks to be lonely. But Hashem has no doubt put people in that situation for a reason, and not just any reason but a Good reason. You can sit with the pain, or you can come to peace with where you are when you are. Your choice. Though once again NO one is denying pain, the question is what will you do with it.
(4/26/2009 8:25:47 AM)
28
#26
so feel sorry if you would like, but what is the point of feeling sorry? What have you attained? Whom have you made feel better? Except to tell them you have something that they don't...(very nice manners I must say)
Surprisingly though, there are more than a few unhappy couples who do not feel "whole", so there is that too feel sorry for as well.
I don't think it is all so simple. You are married and POOOF you feel whole? Life is a bit more complicated.
(4/26/2009 8:35:26 AM)
29
so true!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(4/26/2009 8:41:58 AM)
30
wrong, wrong, wrong
You do not have all the time in the world and you just can't wait for things to come along their way

We always heard from the Rebbe horaos how to speed up a shiduch or doing something constructive to help it come

It also says that the shiduch you get depends on the state you are in in that period of time. This shows that it is in your hands to do something and not only sit back and wait "for your turn"
(4/26/2009 8:56:00 AM)
31
please stare
I'm a 24 (pushing 25) bochur. i don't get any sympathetic looks or stares.. should i feel sorry for myself??
(4/26/2009 9:02:10 AM)
32
I'm am someone who stares
i stare because i care. i am checking you out to see if you look like someone with potential
(4/26/2009 9:23:59 AM)
33
to 26
i feel sorry for u that u think like that .i feel very very sorry for u that u are a fool.
(4/26/2009 9:42:53 AM)
34
to #32
everybody has potential. Hashem made us that way.
(4/26/2009 10:03:45 AM)
35
I am 29
I am 29 years old and it never bothered me when people say "iyh by you". I know that they mean well. I always smile and reply "Thank You" and I don't feel bad about it at all.

Btw, you're still young. 23 with 4 friends? Ha! The challenge starts in 2 years.
(4/26/2009 10:11:08 AM)
36
Waiting.....................
Yes, I'm a waiter (no, not the food kind :) ) - and its not my fault that I'm waiting. Before attacking and writing that I shouldn't be sitting back and waiting, but rather be doing something constructive, blah blah blah, take a minute and think of at least one very good, legitimate reason for a girl to be waiting. I know quite a few girls in the same position as me, also waiting their turns. And so what does it help us, to be doing something to "speed up a shidduch" as was mentioned before, if it really is not our turn yet?
(4/26/2009 10:43:42 AM)
37
shidduch waiting
as traveling worldwide with rabbi simcha ashlag shlita i have many times heard he says go to sleep the latest at 10.30 pm and usally within 2month maximum your engaged also essential is making a photo copy of your parents ketuba and keeping the copy at home and the original by a next door neigbor or friend which is not family related at all is also a remedy for many problems in the jewish family inclusive shidduchim chutz lederech hateva you can contact me at 0033659961734 i am now in paris please if i can help with advice with great pleasure and hatzlocho shimen greenhut hours from 9am till midnight
(4/26/2009 11:36:56 AM)
38
well said....but
As a part time shadchan, I often am concerned with the frustration of parents who seem to be more desparate that the boy or girl concerned. The word " bashert" means exactly that. It is in the hands of Hashem, but we, and I mean all parties, the parents, and the shadchan need to be proactive and not sit on their hands waiting for things to happen. The basherter is there, he or she just hasn't been alerted as yet. it is a sensitive issue and must be dealt with sensitivity, and sensibly, of course,
(4/26/2009 11:37:10 AM)
39
staring..
doesn't everyone stare regardless of what point in life in the frum world....feif un!
(4/26/2009 11:42:28 AM)
40
To #17
You could not have wrote it better!
I cringe looking at older girls dressed like shlumps!!
maybe if they dressed classy and attractive they would not be waiting too long.....
(4/26/2009 12:32:39 PM)
41
Seriously people. Get a life. (From 2 friends, 1 married and 1 single. Ages not applicable)
Shouldn't everyone be out there and doing constructive things with their lives, instead of sitting on COL and bashing each other???
Everyone in Crown Heights stares, thats just how it is. Sad but what can you do? Thats why we dont live there.

Also---please spend some time learning how to spell
Gei Fifein
(4/26/2009 1:29:14 PM)
42
#21 said it well!
There are alot of really great girls & guys out there! Just because they are still single, doesn't mean that they are any less of a person or don't deserve the very best. It just means that they haven't found the 1 single person they plan on spending their entire life with.

Like #21 said, If everybody's married friends would sit down for a few minutes & think about their single friends, then the process could be much easier & then your single friends will gladly except your nice Bracha for finding a shidduch. :)

May everyone find their shidduch Easily & speedily!
(4/26/2009 1:50:51 PM)
43
number 31
your funny - who are u?
(4/26/2009 1:51:39 PM)
44
Out of the Box --- WITH PRACTICAL ACTION
I saw this comment posted once before and never saw any outcome, so I present what was once posted:

If bochurim know bochurim and girls know girls, why can't these "website" that host their "'lists" be more accomodating;

if these site would be ACCESSIBLE TO ALL (i.e. not just to the "professional" Shadchanim) and set up with a person's name, age, location and a small blurb about them, together with preferable contact people to serve as their Shadchan (for as mentioned in this string that it is agreeable that many (...) are not that concerned about the person (or both sides) or their idea of what they are looking for, we might just get somewhere.

(I've heard and seen Shadchanim who have offered bochurim and girls alike suggestions that the single was in no way looking for, both from the prospective of the child and the parents, as well as their respective Mashpiyim. I don;t know if it is to make a buck but it certainly not with the single's best interest in mind...)

The point is that when it comes to suggesting a Shidduch, both bochurim and girls do have people in mind for their friends but don't always have whom to pass the information to, (and as mentioned before, when they do, the person whom the info is passed to sticks his/her opinion to the whole cholent). Why do they not take matters in their hands? Well, many are single or don't feel quite comfortable to present something to a friend, for fear of their reaction ("this is what you think of me"...) or not wanting their "relationship" begin to be dependent on Shidduchim (many people cease to talk to each other during or after a Shidduch, especially if it does not work out.)

(The down side to this all is: too much information is also not good. Let us leave this suggestion for those sincere are not going to take advantage of such a system.)

Whatever it may be, a sincere wish to all those waiting in the wings: "B'ezras Hashem by you!"
(4/26/2009 1:53:36 PM)
45
reflection
note - people often see you as you see yourself, and relate to you as you relate to yourself, its the face you put on that causes others to respond to you lovingly, happily, pitifully etc. I know its hard, but try, try to truly rejoice in someone else's simcha, try to smile it out and engage others in happy conversation (youre at the simcha either way... so make it worth your while) there are many brachos that accompany simchas chasson vkallah, try to see each event as an opportunity to earn yourself more points above, and to sell yourself down here below (to all those people who will inevitably stare). dont allow yourself to wallow in self pity or loneliness, its a quicksand pit that deepens as time goes by, as hard as it is, its worth it, try to be active, out there, this will enable you to have a healthy frame of mind when you do go to simchas/shul etc. wishing you and me all the brachos ad bli daiy.
(4/26/2009 2:05:25 PM)
46
To #40
That's the problem! People are too into "Chitzonius" things like looks, weight, and how one dresses, instead of looking at the qualities of the person!
(4/26/2009 2:25:55 PM)
47
shmiras eynayim- staring for a reason
Take it as a compliment. Nu...so maybe your just good looking?
(4/26/2009 2:55:28 PM)
48
if you pity a singleton - help them out
Its hard to be older and single. They dont have a place in our community. Imagine living alone, with no family, and no real place in the community. Its hard. Its very, very lonely. Instead of staring at her, invite her to your house, show some warmth and friendship. An invitation can go a really long way, for a person who is going through such a hard time.
(4/26/2009 3:01:32 PM)
49
Extend friendship
Do people realize just how trying it is to be a single girl in crown heights?! All day long, no matter where you are, you are being stared at, judged, analyzed and pitied. This is a burden added to an already very difficult situation. A girl cant just stop into a simcha to wish someone well and enjoy herself, it turns into a whole starring event. Its very uncomfortable. If you feel bad, please please please show some warmth to these girls. Imagine being from out of town, living alone in an apartment, and having people look at you like theres something wrong with you, just because you havent been blessed yet with a shiduch. Invite these girls over, interact with them with respect and care. Let them feel valued. They aren't less capable or talented just because they are not married.
(4/26/2009 3:22:35 PM)
50
to the anonymous author---grow up
when you stop feeling sorry for yourself , and you will not perceive people looking at you as feeling sorry for you.
a bracha is a good thing, and people mean well. accept it the way it is given.
do what has to be done, begashmius- don't nix, and dont let your parents nix potenitial dates for stupid reasons
do what has to be done beruchnius- and be happy
bitachon means patience
hashem wont let you down.
may all those who need the bracha find the right one for themselves bekorov mamosh....
i"y by all of you
(4/26/2009 3:23:11 PM)
51
please dont have a complex..
I seriously think that these single girls think everyone is starring at them. That is so not true, if she is truely comfortable with herself she would not have such a complex. It is okay to be single, her time will come. When ppl wish "imyh by you" they mean well, dont these girls know that?? Its time to hold your head up high and be proud of who you are, your time will come, and will be sooner than you think........Hatzlocha!!
(4/26/2009 3:33:33 PM)
52
Don't worry about what others say
If you're upset about what people say now, wait till you have a home and kids!
Sometimes, you have to learn how to ignore what others say (especially behind your back).
(4/26/2009 3:38:36 PM)
53
put our heads together
It seems that most people commenting on this op-ed are single and over 24, (im 25) the generation we were brought up in (for better or for worse) differs quite a bit from our parents.
I think the boys and girls now are more creative and not as shy as they were 20 yrs. Ago. When we are on a date of course you are courteous and trying to give the opposite gender a pleasant time, but we never lose focus on the big picture…Is he/she going to be the wife/husband I would like for myself and for my children….
i guess what I’m trying to say is we singles want it more than the person that says iyh by you, the shadchan and possibly our parents. What can we singles do collectively to make it a bit smoother. I’m sure there are some very creative men/women out there. Let’s not blame the shaddchen, friends and the system… lets beat it.

PS I know a couple that invited a few boys and girls for a shabbos meal with the intention of at least getting a pair on a date…that pair now has children together.
(4/26/2009 3:45:36 PM)
54
To #46
I hate to put people down, but you sound like an utter fool.

Would you walk into a store to see what goods were in there if the outside looked like a garbage dump and makes you want to vomit?

I cannot even begin to explain how ludicrous you sound.

How can one look at someones qualities if they cannot get by the exterior barrier?

There is a Halacha brought down in Rambam regarding a Jewish court of law, that both parties that come to make a claim in court need to be dressed in a dignified way, if not, the judge might err - he might make an erroneous decision based on the "looks" of the person.

If the Torah suspects that a Jewish Shofet (judge), whom, by the way were only chosen for their exceptional piety, might incorrectly judge someone because of their "exterior looks", how much more so do we, who are nowhere near their level of piety and honesty, need to be extra cautious about the way we look in the exterior.

I can quote from many, many other places from the Gemara and other sources that stress on the importance of physical appearance. (Of course the spiritual appearance is much more important, but that doesn't undermine the physical, it works hand-in-hand.)

It is wrong to blatantly make a comment on a public website which is read by many of your peers, that may give them a wrong approach to Shidduchim. You are offering bad advice and are placing a stumbling block in front of the blind.

Let me make this clear: in ADDITION to the importance of your spirituality and Tznius, your physical appearance is very, very, very important! Please do not kid yourself. Just as much as saying Chitas and going on Mivtzoim every day will not cure a strep throat, it will not cover up for your physical appearance.

Spend the time, get into shape and dress nicely.
(4/26/2009 3:47:38 PM)
55
The REAL problem in Crown Heights
The REAL problem in Crown Heights is that EVERYONE is in the box. If you're passed the age of 20, you're old. Everyone looks at you. You become a rachmunis. What if you just arent interested in getting married when you're 19? Or what if you just haven't found the one?? It's a sad reality-But it's the truth. If you're passed a certain age, you're old.
(4/26/2009 3:51:23 PM)
56
drama person who likes the brachas
drama drama drama tracht gut vet zain good have faith and youl see the creator doing the job unexpectedly well
(4/26/2009 4:32:50 PM)
57
to #55 and other narrowmided people:
20+ X = OLD!!!

20+ =
-MATURE
-LIFE EXPERIENCE
-EMOTIONALLY STABLE
-FOUND HERSEFLF
-READY
-LIFE SMART
(4/26/2009 4:45:59 PM)
58
DAMN
I Just used up my last tissue box,
I guess I'll have to buy more tissues and read it again
(4/26/2009 5:10:04 PM)
59
26, Single, and graciously accepting "IYH by you"
What's wrong? No big deal - you just say amen or thank you with a warm smile and accept it for what it was intended to be - someone acknowledging you and wishing you ony the best. A little confidence - it will get you far... I've yet to find someone who pities a confident young lady.
(4/26/2009 7:11:31 PM)
60
PEOPLE ARE SO DAMN STUPID
Parents hurt their children by obsessing over the stupidest things.

And "the women in shul, the hispanic guy at the bagel shop" act without thinking.

Far worse than not being married is having people feel sorry for you.

It's a far worse feeling, so shut your trap, let the single person enjoy his/her friend's simcha.

Also, it should not take more than a week to come back with an answer. So so so not nice to make people wait more than that.

And to #49, I"m a guy and so so so understand what you write. People here live inside a box, and it's much harder for girls. (even if guys get blamed no matter the outcome)
(4/26/2009 7:19:01 PM)
61
shidduch
very nicely stated. um, i'm looking for a shidduch so how about gimme a call.
M. S.
(4/26/2009 8:02:12 PM)
62
To #54
I'm sorry to say that you are an embarrassment.

I'm an older bochur, and I too would like to be physically attracted to my wife.

But your writing is disgusting. I feel very sorry for the girl who marries you. What are you going to do when she gets pregnant, or sick, or suddenly grows pimples. "Spend the time, get into shape and dress nicely"? How inconsiderate.

Who do you think you are? You're definitely not a chossid, and you're definitely not a mentch.

Sick guy...
(4/26/2009 9:15:42 PM)
63
everyone is right!!
when i read this letter, i just knew what she felt even that you know that pple mean it well ( I also think that we are hurt when pple stare or bless us because we are upset or uncomfortable with ourselves and unconsciously we blame it on them), I think that everyone is right the ones that claim that its hurts and its not fair they are right and the ones from the other side that bless and stare they are right too as they have no intention to hurt- just let you know that they think and care about you.. i think the lesson of this letter and all its comments is that both sides should try to put themselves in the other shoes!! :) from a girl who is there too.
(4/26/2009 9:59:15 PM)
64
I agree with #2
You never know the power of a Bracha from one Jew to the other. Instead of feeling that people are looking at you like a Nebach say AMEN and Thank You! They care enough to Bless you! How many Ba'al Shem Tov stories are there were a person's life was saved meerly from someone wishing him a L'chaim?!?!?
(4/27/2009 12:40:39 AM)
65
over-reacting.
i think that the most backwardness factor of all of this is that everyone is soooo obssessed with getting married,
relax
chill
we are not running a marathon to see who gets to the finish line ( married with 17 kids)
first!
it will be the way it was meant to be
and will happen when its supposed to
so everyone stop feeling so pressured from the hispanic guy in bunchos and the lady behind the counter at the hoseiry store,
because truth be told
they don't reall give a dayum.
so.
take as it comes
and one day you will meet the him or her who will make you realize how the time awaited for the spouse was a a time given to you so thast you could be all you could be by the time u got married.
-peace out
(4/27/2009 2:03:17 AM)
66
to #55
The idea that "EVERYONE" is in the box, seems pretty narrow minded and "In the box" to me . stop bashing a take a good look at yourself
(4/27/2009 2:24:45 AM)
67
To #61
I wrote that comment and I am a woman, and that conclusion has come from many, many years of dealing with Shidduchim, including speaking to Rabonim, Mashpi'im and professionals.

You contradict yourself in your very own statement. Take a good look at yourself before making such comments.
(4/27/2009 3:23:01 AM)
68
SingleMyself
I'm just waiting for the day that someone will come up with a better way of doing shidduchim. Come on, can't we think of something??
(4/27/2009 3:45:57 AM)
69
get over it
maybe u cant get a date bec ur so sour and take everything so literaly
if yirtze hasem by dir is an expession it now basically what is sais instead of maazal tov to friends and family apart from the actual chosson kalla..
get over yourself nobody really cares if they did u would probably be married
i have no problem with complainers but find something good to complain about
(4/27/2009 6:13:37 AM)
70
BS"D JUST WALK AROUND THE BLOCK WITH A SIGN AROUND YOUR NECK
IN CROWN HEIGHTS FOR AN HOUR.SOME BUBBA WILL CALL HER ZAIDE WHO WILL CALL HER MASHPIA AND VIOLA!!
(4/27/2009 7:37:23 AM)
71
to #65
uh, where have you been? yes it is a race, and not only a race, but a marathon. (at least in crown heights it is, whether you like it or not. i dont, but it still is a race.) the finish line is not 17 kids - there is no finish line!!!! but the rest stop along the way is getting married, and thats where many of us are trying to get to.
(4/27/2009 11:03:30 AM)
72
Just a single girl
See, we make it sound that if we are single were incomplete, lonely, sad , unimportant and so forth. Take this time of being single, and enjoy it, because when the time comes and we get married , we'll never have that "alone" time again. Everything will be about your husband and children. I am not against getting married and becoming a wife and mother. And that from then on it will never only be about "me" but everyone else. I am looking forward to that, but right now i am going to enjoy single life.
(4/27/2009 11:36:36 AM)
73
#72
Great point!
(4/27/2009 11:39:25 AM)
74
To # 15
Oh please!
Shadchanim are Shadchonim because they care.....
and not for the money
(4/27/2009 2:58:02 PM)
75
to #68
Quote : "I'm just waiting for the day that someone will come up with a better way of doing shidduchim. Come on, can't we think of something??"

Like a Single's Event?!?!?

I am a 28 yr old young lady and I've been thinking and discussing the idea with several mashpiim and shadchainm and have gotten a lot of encouragement from all. There should be something for ages 25 and up. Question is, in what forum, and would bochurim and girls show up? It could be arranged in a productive AND appropriate fashion. Ideas and suggestions are welcome! If you are single and responding to this, please state what you would need to know about this type of event that would pull you to attend.

Yes, something DEFINITELY has to be done differently - we are adults and if we put our heads together, some very happy couples will be the results of our efforts.
(4/27/2009 3:19:02 PM)
76
How about Chabad match.com?
I think this website is very well done and has great potential to make many shiduchim in a proper way. Check it out!
(4/27/2009 5:58:52 PM)
77
About chabadmatch.com
Yes, I agree it has great potential, only that it is VERY limited. Too little information is available to be viewed by singles and there are only a few shadchanim from the site who have been approaching singles with suggestions while there are a good number of shadchanim on their shadchan list. Those who started and upkeep the website are to be applauded for their very noble intentions!

Some constructive criticism though is this: any boy or girl who will take the time to fill out the form and put their head to writing up about themselves is making a statement which is that they are serious about getting married and they are committed to finding their mate. They put aside the discomfort they have to deal with; for many singles to come to the point of having to 'sell' oneself on a website can make him/her feel desperate and no one likes to feel desperate. By rising above that vulnerability and putting their profile out there is with the strong hope (AND PLEA, if I may say) that they will be contacted from time to time by one of the thirty-some chadchanim from the website with a shidduch suggestion!

Unfortunately the buz isn't "Did you hear, that couple's match was made through chabadmatch.com!"

Rather, the talk from one single to another is "Has anything good ever come from you signing onto Chabadmatch?"

The too common response, "Well, maybe one or two shadchanim emailed me with a suggestion since I put up my profile two years ago... and I go on the site from time to time to see if there are any new profiles to view, but I can't really tell anything from the little bit that is allowed to be seen. No, It hasn't really been that helpful."

So, bottom line - something else must be done - a singles event could be very effective if planned with good strategy! I go for that!!!
(4/27/2009 7:36:17 PM)
78
thank you and the naysayers can simply shut it!
you wrote from the heart, it is appreciated, i feel ya 100% and im a bochur in the same boat! Kol Hakavod.
(4/27/2009 9:35:50 PM)
79
my 2 cents
I'm a perfectly normal, good looking, single girl, ffb, good middos (if one can say that about oneself, but you know what I mean) and I've always danced happily @ friends and family chassunas. I'm in my 30's now, for no explicable reason other then: Hashem wants it to be that way. Whenever someone comes over to me to say: bald by dir, I smile and forget about it 2 seconds later. but...it highly depends on who says it and how it's being said.
now about looks:
please, we're not all 'modern or cool (read: non-tzniusdik)! a lot of kallahs on this site don't even wear appropriate clothes for a bas yisroel, it's so sad. who knows what I look like under my clothes? noone besides for me, and I can tell you that really tzniusdik is very hard to find nowadays, a lot of girls show a lot, but I (who don't) don't get a chance for marriage because I'm 'old fashioned'. my husband will be so lucky, he'll get a good AND good looking girl who hasn't given in to goyishe standards.
let's not talk about shadchonim....: 'don't call me, I'm really thinking of you but you know...my family comes first, call me every week, oops, did I just contradict myself'?
chabadmatch has a lot of people on its list who don't have a clue what shidduchim are all about. some of them love money and that's it. some of them send profiles including names around the globe without any trouble of their conscience...
oh boy, there's so much more to say on this topic, let me just say this: whoever is not an older single cannot judge anyone why he/she isn't married, unless you're G'd Himself (which you're not, even if you feel you know better than Him) and even if you once were an older single, please realize that things have changed in the past years, so you DON'T understand us all the way.
thank you for listening and have a good day.
p.s: why on earth does this site allow people to post bad words, even in it's title??? just wondering, maybe that's part of my being 'old fashioned'....
(4/28/2009 2:05:11 AM)
80
another single!
I am 26. I have made a life for myself by keeping busy, i do like to study, so it helps. A lot of my friends run off to be in CH so they can find a shidduch. They are just "waiting" like so many others. If you always fancied doing a particular hobby or job, go for it. don't say, "oh, I cannot do that. In case I get a shidduch next month" Make a life for yourself
(4/28/2009 4:33:38 AM)
81
TO # 71
im glad you are running a marathon.
i geuss when you sprain your ankle youll be out of the race!
(4/28/2009 5:52:49 AM)
82
SinglesSomething
To #75:

I'm behind you and all for it. I can pitch in and help out if needed.
(4/28/2009 6:09:50 AM)
83
1 track minded CH freaks
The next time im at a funeral and i see some of those peeps who always wish me bla bla bla, ill kindly wish them, I'yh By you soon!!!!!!!
(4/28/2009 10:00:44 AM)
84
!!!!!!!!!!
SOOOOOOOOON BY YOU!
IM YIRTZE HASHEM BAI DIR!
(4/28/2009 1:50:43 PM)
85
to # 75
you are on the right track, im a 25 year old male and dated so many women that it wiped out my savings...JK

i think it is a great idea and i know many men would go for it...maybe a shiur with cocktails after a game of machnayim in the park on a sunday afternoon...just some ideas...you bring the women and ill bring the men.
how can we touch base?
(4/28/2009 2:55:32 PM)
86
to #57
besides for being far from pleasent .you aint to bright either
(4/28/2009 3:13:35 PM)
87
Beautiful
This is a beautiful article!
(4/28/2009 10:38:26 PM)
88
to #82 and #86 and anyone else from #75
Ok, great...We need all the ideas we can get!
Anyone else?

I think it would be good to sit down with a couple of shadchanim (I know a few who have been trying to arrange something like this for a while) and a mashpia type from the community and see what we can come up with...

Many of my friends (and myself included) are open to this type of thing if it will be geared towards a crowd who are "with it" and have chassidishe oriented values.

From my perspective, the intention is to create an event that offers the opportunity for mature, focused, and like-minded chabad singles to see who's out there in their age group and their potential compatibility. Structured in such a way that encourages a wholesome and tznius atmosphere. Also, in order for it to encourage women and men to come (ages 25 and up), I think it will need to be endorsed by a respected community figure.

This is sure to encounter controversy which is expected and ok. The crucial point is, with a few key details set in place, it could be very productive and effective.

I can be reach at ChabadAdultSingles@gmail.com

Have a good day!
(4/29/2009 4:40:16 AM)
89
SG (single girl)
to 40
its not ''shlumps'' its Tzniusdik. fact.
shlump is the wrong adjectives. todays standards have gone wayy wayy down. and listen, ifsomeone who was suggested to me doesnt want a quote ''shlump'', then i dont need him. im dressed tzniusdik and thats important. doesnt matter ill get married to the one that knows what counts. not ''classy'' (=non-tzniusdik) but what the rebbe wants
(4/29/2009 5:09:11 AM)
90
to 85
not very accepted in chassidic circles.
we dont really like to bring single men and single women together. maybe better go to a diff place
(4/29/2009 5:10:33 AM)
91
Two Comments
1. To the Author. Very nice article. Sorry about the Im Yirtze Hashem thing. Most of us really are just trying to be nice and upbeat. It's hard to know what different people want to hear from you.

2. To many of you posting. PLEASE:

A. Read the article carefully before you post. Many of you made completely inapproprorpriate comments about what the author said. Some of you interpreted the article so as to say the opposite of what was intended.

B. I have to join my voice to the request for decent spelling, punctuation, grammar, etc.

C. It's difficult to read all this wholesale complaining and criticism about what you think is wrong with either single women, bochurim, shadchanim, frum Yidden, the Crown Heights community, etc.

As the Frierdiker Rebbe said, "Tracht gut vet zain gut." Negative thinking will get you NOWHERE. If you are unhappy with something you see, one way to fix it is to begin by having a positive attitude. Kvetching really is just another form of lashon hara.
(4/29/2009 6:09:23 AM)
92
KOVOD CHABAD STINKS
IF YOU WANT TO HELP ONE ANOTHER YOU PUT IN ANOTHER YIDS COMMENT WITHOUT ANY SIDE REMARKS LOSHONHORRE ETC.
(4/30/2009 11:23:01 PM)
93
Thanks
Thank you! Finally someone who has the guts to say what I've been thinking, and I'm sure many others as well
(5/1/2009 8:30:54 AM)
94
a 28 year old
dear all you commenters,
firstly you are totally insensitive, this is a topic that shouldnt be open for all the crown heights kids to yent on. Secondly, to #91 it was the Tzemach Tzedek who said" Tracht Gut Vet Zain Gut"
Thirdly: Whoever wrote bout shlumpy being tznius that is soooo wrong, off, and just need a better education. Tznius is something that makes a woman look dignified and beautiful and attractive, not attracting. Get the difference?
(5/2/2009 5:09:38 PM)
95
I support the singles event
And I wish you luck. I'm not in the category so I shan't attend but I think it's a wonderful idea.

Also, it's really nice when people respond to each others' (grammar people--sorry, don't know where the comma goes there) comments with respect.
(6/8/2009 5:25:32 PM)
96
To #44
I agree with you, i think one of the best people to make shidduchim are friends who truly know you.
I am single and i have done some shiduchim, i told my mother who told a shadchan, i have done it since my high school years till now after seminary, it works, they don't know it was me but i'm happy to know i made a difference to someone and you feel so satisfy when you see them forming their family.
I have made about 4 shiduchim, sometimes i've spoken the mother into it. And B"H I have 2 on the way,YIH!
And there yet I'm looking for a shiduch!Yes we singles do feel lonely but if we can help people that are in the same situation, and you having nothing to lose!!!and i'm sure Hashem will reward me and all of us with the best!!!
We should only hear good news!!!
(7/28/2009 4:34:19 AM)
97
ok, peopple!
lets make shidduchim!
email me: mayimchayim18@gmail.com
you email me your info, ill talk with you for a bit, and if i have a suggestion...ill send you their email and you can duke it out. :)

btw, im an amateur, but i still want to help...
(and im not charging. :P)

(oh, and im not looking, either, B"H...ill drag my chosson into this project if need be.)
(9/6/2009 7:54:34 AM)
98
23 is not old.....sometimes its better not to be married at
a very young age.....I got married at 24 and have been dating since 18....I probably would not have married my husband at 18...because I was too stupid to appreciate him (and I was considered very mature and wise at a very young age)...
I am married many years and know that he is the greatest...unlike some who didn't have the experience of dating the wrong people....and might have had confusion and doubt after their marriage.
(9/11/2009 5:40:27 AM)
99
ehhehee
i just have to make this thing have 100 comments, cuz that wld be hilarious
(11/23/2009 3:09:47 PM)
100
yay
100!!
(12/7/2009 8:48:17 AM)
101
The Only Article in the Shidduch Section that makes Sense
Thank you for writing this. I usually have to read this terrible paper on someone moaning about the unfairness of life.
I've been waiting for something good, so thank you!
I hate the "old" mentality IT IS RIDICULOUS!
Honey when he comes, he comes...
And to that first person "Smile": THEY ARE STARING!
(and I am 20 and married so I'm not saying that bc I "feel" the stares. I'm saying that because I am sitting with a group of girls when a 24 yr old girl walks by and they all say...wahy is she not married??

um...maybe because she has'nt found the right guy yet...?!?
(2/10/2011 10:29:10 PM)
102
hajaron hajaron jabib
Dear: Dont feel like that. Im HaShem wants you to wait, its because the good thing is just arriving!
Remember,, good things come in the last!!
AJARON HAJARON JABIB..

Dont desperate! you are going to be married and with children to take care very soon!
(3/2/2011 10:04:25 PM)
103
Shidduch
I would like to start a Tehillim saying meaning,that i organise the Tehillim to be finished world wide,for those who go in the parsha of shidduchim,not even for those who are desperate,but just to be a help for those who are even starting to look.But I keep on thinking how to do it?
since people are not going to want to give their name,it will make them feel desperate.IN ANOTHER hand I know people who are desperate ,reaching the ages of 30 and above.
Anyone has a suggestion how to do it in the most bekovedike way.So none gets hurt in the process,and everyone keeps their pride INTACT?
Thank you
(5/31/2011 4:22:55 AM)
104
To the author......
You are a young lady with a very old soul. I love your analogies. And yes, we all live in time and deal with time. It is a dimension that humans experience. HaShem has ALL the time in the world and in the universe. The concept of "time" is different in the heavens. We must be patient with all things that come to us in this life that we know. Just live your life, enjoy what you do, do the right thing, and things will always fall into place the way HaShem intends them to. Good luck to you!! Well written!
(10/11/2011 6:44:50 PM)
105
great
very well said
(11/7/2011 4:22:27 PM)
106
23 Years Old
Ummm, I'm 23 years old, firstly there are WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY more than 4-5 single 23 year-olds in the community- WAY more, this article actually made me laugh.

Secondly, I have never seen anyone pity a 23 year old-- That is your own conscience making you feel as though others are looking at you.
(Sadly) people start looking funny at the upwards of 25 year olds , and pity the 28 and onwards.

I'm sorry that you feel as though others pity you, they do not. Enjoy your life
(7/4/2013 10:40:13 PM)
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