Jul 14, 2013
Hello, My Name is Single Girl
Illustration photo

From the COLlive Inbox: A girl in Shidduchim writes her perspective as a single girl, while many of her friends are getting engaged.

By a single girl

So, I just had the honor of attending another l’chaim. 16 down from my class - 4 to go. And I shielded my eyes from the light emanating from the kallah’s smiles and the reflection of the sparkle in her eyes and felt the warmth of her joy slowly spreading through my limbs. I bounded up to her and threw my arms around her. Alright, I probably maybe might have been a little too excited and given her a few bruises. But who could blame me? She had been drafted into battle in the shidduch world for 3 years. She had been patient and had emerged victorious, none the worse for wear and a stronger being.

I could not have been happier for her. She looked radiant. She had but a moment to speak with me before she was pulled by one of the thousand iphone-bearing hands for a picture and during that moment she told me simply, “Im yirtza Hashem by you! I hope one day you can feel this happiness.”

Suddenly, my shiny, shimmering dreams of her glorious baby-filled future evaporated and I remembered. Oh, wow… I’m still single.

Not only am I still single, The color single has taken on a more vibrant hue due to a greater contrast between me and the rest of the 22/3/4 year-old population. Slowly, I am becoming the only remaining caterpillar in what seems like a world of butterflies. And being a caterpillar is amazing. Who wouldn’t want to be an awesome green fluffy crawling thing? Until all of your friends suddenly sprout wings and fly away. And one day you are casually chewing a leaf and you look around, and wonder… ‘hey, where’d everybody go?’

“Im yirtza Hashem by you.” I walked home silently in thought. Even the blessing was tinged with the sound of desperation. “PLEASE G-D BRING ME A BOCHUR TO SAVE ME FROM A LIFE OF DOOMED SINGLENESS.” I know that the words had not been meant that way. They were meant as a verbal gift of love and well-wishes.

But for some reason, the blessing stung. And I realized that it had aroused a feeling of a social truth in my mind. People feel bad for me. They look at me when I run a successful program and say, ‘Oh, poor Mushkie, she’s such a good girl. Why is she not married yet?’ They look at me when I choose to forgo another year of shlichus in order to pursue an education and say, ‘Mushkie, don’t you realize that this may harm your prospects?’ They look at me when I smile and say, ‘Oh! Mushkie! What a smile! What’s doing in the dating world? Someone must be causing you to smile like that!’

And to them, I nod and murmur some appeasing words. Internally, I respond to them all; ‘I’m not married because G-d has decided that I still have some growing to do. I’m pursuing an education because I have discovered that which I love doing and my thirst to share it with the world. And no, my smile is not because I’m dating the most fantastic bochur around. I’m smiling because it is raining outside and I simply adore the sound of rain.’ Because my life is about more than waiting impatiently.

Yes, I am single. My relationship status can be checked off in a defined box. But I am also a girl, an aspiring chossid, a writer, a poet, a youthful soul, an explorer, a giver, an intellectual, a fact-collector, a mashpia, a teacher, and a student.

I have a beautiful life and I am surrounded by beautiful people.

Single days are not something to rush through impatiently. That single period is not one of those dreaded in-between stages. It cannot be compared to being in-between floors on an elevator or sitting in traffic on the way to work. It is the long scenic route. It is an amazing, exhausting hike.

My life will not begin when I get married. My life has already commenced wonderfully. This IS my life. G-d is gifting each single day to me for a reason.

And when you say Im Yirtza Hashem by You, I will nod in assent, because – yes, if G-d decides I’m ready, I would love to change my relationship status on facebook.

And I will wish you Mazel Tov at your l’chaim. Because I am truly, truly happy for you for having an exciting day and reaching an exciting milestone and taking another exciting step in G-d’s Divine plan of your life. And I will gaze upon your joy and only wish you gallons more of it.

And then, I will wish myself Mazel Tov for the same things. I, too, have had an exciting day and have reached an exciting milestone (hey, I lost .5 lbs!) and have taken another exciting step in G-d’s plan of my life. I too, have a lot to look forward to and am commencing a wonderful journey.

So Mazel Tov, Mazel Tov! Because every one of us has so much to be grateful for and could all use a little mazel. May we all find what we are looking for, but on the way there, be able to truly enjoy and utilize the trip.

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Opinions and Comments
1
You go girl!
Single life all the way!
(7/14/2013 7:46:20 PM)
2
Beautifully and poetically written!
Wishing you a wonderfully, fulfilling journey of continued brochos and simcha!
(7/14/2013 7:52:13 PM)
3
Deep true post Baruch hashem
Full of emuna and bitachon that Hashem is running the world
(7/14/2013 7:52:48 PM)
4
100%
live life and enjoy being a caterpillar, and when hashem wants you to be a butterfly so you will be,

(7/14/2013 7:55:03 PM)
5
Such Young Expectations
The Orthodox community has such young marriage expectations. You're talking about the 22-24 year olds. That's really young.
And these girls feel like old maids when they're still single at 24. You haven't even reached your prime yet! Calm down, you'll find someone soon enough.
(7/14/2013 7:56:19 PM)
6
Maybe
Maybe some girls are afraid to get married?
(7/14/2013 7:56:30 PM)
7
Beautifuly Written

May you have a beautiful life with the right one very soon.
(7/14/2013 8:24:27 PM)
8
Right on!
It's not all that different for a Bocher. When I get the "IY'H by dir.", I smile, and then I walk away cringing. I really hate that brocha. However, I tell myself that they mean well, and hopefully the brocha will come true.

The thing is, the brocha is nice and all, but what would be nicer, is if they don't forget the past few years of their life, the second they walk over that threshold. How about supplementing that brocha by setting us up on a date?

To all you newly weds reading this: Remember your friends. Remember those who were with you in the field. Your wife/husband has single friends, and you know us better than any Shadchan ever will. So a little less 'mens rea', and a little more 'actus reus'. (Well, not the 'reus' part.)

It's amazing, I've received hundreds of "IY"H by dir."s, but I've only been set up by a friend once.

On another note: Thank you for writing this article, you really made me smile.
(7/14/2013 8:30:54 PM)
9
a poet
It's quite a beautifully written poem, however, leading to nowhere! Perhaps, try to be more clear in your writing - what is your point?
(7/14/2013 8:45:47 PM)
10
Totally agree
Well said!
(7/14/2013 8:57:10 PM)
11
suggestion
I hope that newly married couples remember their single friends and think of possible shidduchim for them.
(7/14/2013 8:58:48 PM)
12
beautiful
5/6 you did not get her point, her article has nothing to do with expectations, fears etc. Why does everyone feel the need to explain why EVERYONE does this or that or feels this or that???? Let it go for heaven's sake! Her point is that life is a journey, and she is living hers, her life is not less because she is single, she is on her own journey and thankfully enjoying it. She sounds healthy and mature, and may G-d bless her to meet her bashert in a shaa tova, so that she can have a partner in life who she can go through the ups and downs with together. That is what marriage is, not a party!

To the author- may G-d bless you with the continued maturity, and joy in life so that you can always live life to it's fullest, whatever accomplishments, joys, and challenges you G-d gives you along the way!

(7/14/2013 9:00:09 PM)
13
well said
oh this intelligent girl was very clear on her point just #8 read it with your right eye maybe then it will all click by you...
(7/14/2013 9:05:46 PM)
14
I admire your attitude
Thanks for sharing!
(7/14/2013 9:38:57 PM)
15
A healthy INDIVIDUAL + a healthy INDIVIDUAL = a healthy marriage
It's critical to be a healthy well adjusted SINGLE, before combining forces and creating a HEALTHY HOME

To be a healthy individual,
1. Proper Hashkafa (Yiras Shomayim)
2. Refined Charactir (Middos tovos)
3. Physically and emotionally fit (proactive about ones mental and physical health)
4. Meretz Hamasim (proactively hire/designate compitant/capable advocates seeking a shiduch on your behalf)
5. Consult Yedidim Mevinim (regularly to make sure your objectively on track in general, on on your shiduch efforts in particular. Aka "Aseh Lecha Rav" this vehicle attracts hashem's sayaata dshmaya, to succeed beyond merely natural limits (learn th sichos, to know who qualifies to be a Mentor/Rav)

Following the Rebbe's Takanos is a practical and supernatural way to speed up the shidduch search with minimal ogmat nefesh and maximum ease B'ezeat H' ......
(7/14/2013 9:42:59 PM)
16
To #10
Your totally right!! I feel it IS their friends responsibility to help her friend!!! But nobody gets it.
(7/14/2013 9:47:07 PM)
17
great writer!
beautiful written!!
(7/14/2013 9:48:56 PM)
18
Beautifully written
I think these words can even be applied to having to wait for being blessed with children. I felt the same way in those seemingly long 3 years of waiting and having faith.
(7/14/2013 9:51:00 PM)
19
What a beautiful perspective!!!
So wonderfully written. I love your attitude! you are so very true. It is funny how everyone thinks getting married will bring you all the happiness you have wished for. Unfortunately too often it is far from the truth. Enjoy every moment of your (single) life. Dream big, but live well too. How i wish i could go back to my singlehood.... iyh you should always find happiness and meaning.
(7/14/2013 9:51:15 PM)
20
Well said
People should just live and (as my auto correct just suggested) love their lives. If you're in good spirits with what you're doing you'll be someone that guys want to be with.
(7/14/2013 9:57:37 PM)
21
Another perspective...
Hey Mushky! I'm 28 and still not married... the good thing about reaching such an (old.. gasp!) age is that all the 'bad feelings inside' I had about being single when I was 22, 23, 24, 25 etc and compared myself to the married girls at that age, or felt bad about what people had to say, even if they meant well, have become barely existent as I have grown older and matured. It is very very hard when you are young and single and everyone else is getting the 'man of their dreams' however, marriage is truly romanticized! It takes hard work! Many of my friends have babies, need to support their families and it really is real life. Don't worry what people will or won't say, they will always 'im yirtze hashem by you' but let them and appreciate their wellwishing (or don't, whatever, the point is don't let it get to you, you can do what you want!!)
Have fun being single, and achieve whatever it is you set out to achieve!!!
(7/14/2013 10:25:03 PM)
22
Metaphor
Your metaphor really got me thinking, at least the catapillar has what to look forward to. but seriously hang in there the darkest part of night is right b4 dawn!
(7/14/2013 10:49:15 PM)
23
great article!!
i really enjoyed it. it reminded me to be happy with what i have and where i am. we think we control our lives, but we don't. Things will happen when they are supposed to happen. in the meanwhile we can do the best we can, and thank G-d for the opportunities and blessings that we do have. I applaud your amazing attitude! I think its pretty rare these days.
(7/14/2013 10:55:46 PM)
24
Mazal tov!!! you are still single!!!
enjoy the fullest, b4 your future "bocher" starts paying tuition for your future 27 kinderlach...
(7/14/2013 11:07:15 PM)
25
I'm not joking..

Why don't you sign your full name. Many people (including bochurim) are reading this, and will want to know who you are.

(7/14/2013 11:07:50 PM)
26
great article
Very mature too!!Attitude is everything!Its all how we look at things.Not always easy but makes all the difference.Hatzlocha.
(7/14/2013 11:38:10 PM)
27
Correspondence shidduchim?
I wonder if some would benefit from starting shidduchim through mail. For those of us with a love of literature, nothing gives us more insight into another's inner beauty than reading a sample of their work. I would happily write a small book about myself if I thought any would want to read it. Can we even express our myriad complexities in something smaller. The dating scene seems like brief bursts of intuition upon which people proceed to base the rest of their lives. I think "Single Girl" is simply too deep for the accepted shidduch format; too non-conformist for the strict confines of the shidduch culture; too unusual to even be considered. Sure when she writes people ooh and aah. But when they think to tie a knot they're are not to be found. I think it time the writers of the orthodox world found organizations to share their writings and works, support each other, and just generally socialize.

(7/14/2013 11:51:44 PM)
28
single girl
thank you for the inspiration!
thats exactly what i need to do! stop worrying and enjoy life!
i shouldn't be worrying about all this shiduch emotioal rolercoaster let my parents do the job!
(7/14/2013 11:55:33 PM)
29
Seriously
Tell us who you are!
-S(c)
(7/15/2013 12:01:57 AM)
30
A curious bochurim
Sounds like an amazingly positive girl! :-p :-))))))
(7/15/2013 12:05:42 AM)
31
Bochur (23)
Really invigorating. thank you. i have been hurting recently due to my current single status, and this has soemwhat releived my pain. Thank you.
whats your number btw? :-)
(7/15/2013 12:18:11 AM)
32
to # 24
are you a bochur? why do you care so much about her name?
(7/15/2013 12:23:43 AM)
33
Happy Bochur
im 24 and enjoying my single life. great attitude and to all those "im yirtzeh hashem ba dir" sayers: please try suggesting a name instead of using the cliche saying just because. or perhaps invite a few "suggestions" along to a shabbos meal. who knows, perhaps a succesful shidduch may occur.

Happy Bochur
(7/15/2013 12:24:50 AM)
34
eli
like!
(7/15/2013 12:29:12 AM)
35
Thank you
That was a well written healthy article - and we need to start thinking like that. IY"H the right time will come for everyone, and it really is "b'shaa tova umutzlachas" and for everyone that's a different time -- and meantime "be" and "be healthy" and live! And accomplish! And do good! And - yes marriage will help bring "shleimius" to your life - but right now you are living and molding yourself to be a healthy person - the best mate someone would want! Hatzlocha Rabah!!
(7/15/2013 12:53:50 AM)
36
To #24
maybe Col will act as shadchan and pass on any profiles to this young lady. Why don't people send them in?

There is a problem with parents. The writer doesn't say if she is taking care of things or her parents are but I can't tell you how many girls I know, great girls, pretty, talented, frum, who are in their late twenties and thirties because their parents rejected every possibility. They never even got to go out. If parents would be open minded to bachurim who are from BT families, even BTs themselves, or no yichus, or no money, or from difficult situations but they are great stable young men, maybe we wouldn't have older girls watching the young ones get married.

Once a girl gets to mid twenties I think she should take charge of her own Shidduchim. If everything goes through mom and dad and there are no dates, something is wrong.

Finally.....I am getting a tad tired of reading all these anonymous articles. This one is particularly well written but it's time the girls/women and boys/ men stopped writing and started networking more. Go outside this country. Don't get stuck on one "type" whether it be Shluchus or a blonde. You also need to be open minded. As parents we were, and our kids have married everyone from BT to "gejer". The right person is the right person. Be flexible, look for the same values and be reasonable. Good luck, may all you singles out there find your bashert very, very soon.
(7/15/2013 1:08:36 AM)
37
bocher
everyone my parents especially are always asking "when are you going to start your life?'' No one seems to realize I already did
(7/15/2013 1:23:22 AM)
38
Moishe
The problem is that the girls are just as picky as the boys if not more there are plenty of guys out there
(7/15/2013 1:36:40 AM)
39
Beautifully written, but...
I don't see your point. Did you write a whole column just to say you don't care? Sure you shouldn't get depressed, but it's not good either to brush it aside and pretend like it doesn't matter. R''l that can make you delay things. You write how you have room to grow, but are a giver and a mashpia; perhaps your bashert is waiting for you to learn to be a mekabel. I hope you do quickly, and that you should experience that joy - yisron ha'or habah mitoch ha'choshech - very very soon!
(7/15/2013 1:44:52 AM)
40
Thanks for this.
It's people like you that give me hope.
(7/15/2013 2:04:31 AM)
41
Bochur
Very poignant words. I can relate somewhat to giving yourself appeasing words in similar situations, and I think psychologically it is the best thing anyone can do for themselves. Many people blur the facts; the facts are, as said above, that the Aibishter is running the world, your bashert is out there, and you have to work so hard on yourself to be ready to be zoiche to that shidduch. And there's no doubt that that time will indeed come.
(7/15/2013 2:23:14 AM)
42
to #8
she did have a point! that people shouldnt pity her and think she has no life just because she isnt married!
(7/15/2013 2:28:01 AM)
43
great article
Beautifully written, great article!
I'm a lubavitch girl who got married at 27.
I loved my years being single, I studied, had a career, travelled and learned so much. There is noting wrong with being single... Marriage is hard work and Im glad that my husband and I got married when we did. We had the opportunity to go to seminary and yeshiva, college and start working. BH we have a wonderful baby boy now. I wouldnt have done it any other way :)
(7/15/2013 3:10:28 AM)
44
Awesome article
Great perspective and well written. Thanks for the pick-me-up and good luck!
(7/15/2013 3:34:37 AM)
45
Healthy attitude
Keep it up!
(7/15/2013 5:15:13 AM)
46
Refreshing!
How nice to read about a young woman who is using her years and enjoying life. it is not about WAITING to get married but rather filling each day with meaning and a goal. You are a mature individual, well written,
(7/15/2013 5:34:59 AM)
47
true to a point
I think this author is very positive and admirable to write such an eloquent and heartfelt letter.And whilst she is correct to enjoy the single life one has to keep in mind that year and year can pass whilst still saying hashem knows what He is doing .Yes Hashem wants you to be productive but if you are 30 and still single AND really wanting to get married it may be wise to DO something like look internally to why it is not happening for you or go speak to someone with wisdom and who cares about you for advise.Good luck and may you find that special someone soon.
(7/15/2013 6:19:19 AM)
48
Enough Said
"My life will not begin when I get married." Something I'm trying to get across to my parents.
(7/15/2013 8:40:41 AM)
49
Thank you!
I always say the boy is from Hashem and so is the waiting. While i am waiting I will not be morbid as since it's from Hashem I have to prove that I am making Hashem's will my will. Well written and full of hope. Thank you!
(7/15/2013 9:13:43 AM)
50
thanks
I think I needed this friendly reminder
(7/15/2013 10:20:05 AM)
51
Are you for real?
Obviously you think this is the life now etc. but that's b/c you haven't been married yet. Don't kid yourself. It's ok to admit that you're lonely but don't feel stung when someone gives you a nice wish like that..
(7/15/2013 10:23:47 AM)
52
Sorry, you got it all wrong
BS"D

Dear Writer: I don't think I've ever written such a negative heading, even when discussing serious religious or moral issues, but here I feel that I need to - not because what you write is so bad, in fact it is beautiful and includes great lessons and values that people yet unmarried could learn from, but because it is founded on a serious flaw - you are writing an opinion about a life change that you have never experienced, and I assure you, you got it all wrong.
Did you ever write down your parenting ideas you had as an eight-year-old? did you ever judge the way a head-counselor acted? do you now see the world differently (even if you are not yet a parent)?
Again, most of what you say is accurate and it is all beautifully written, but if I got the drift correctly there was a subtle hint of "My life will not begin when I get married. My life has already commenced wonderfully" [ok, not such a subtle hint]. If you intended it as a level of faith, great. If however you truly feel that it is ok for a single girl or boy to evaluate life simply by looking in the mirror, rather than in a spouses eyes - I will not correct you.
If I disagree you will call me old-fashioned, condescending and small minded. Instead I'll tell you to take out your old diary from when you were eight years old, and add this post to what you swore you would do as a mother.
And, when you get married (in the exact time that G-d wants as you accurately put it, no point to distress over G-d's timing...) and you get to know the NEW you, the one you will live with for the rest of your life, the one who will primarily build your life and family, the one who will begin forming memories with your 'other half' - not poetically but truly an other part of yourself... please write back here to follow up, and perhaps you'll include all of the great faith-based ideas lifting singles up without including that point that life, in the only way you know it now, is just fine thank G-d...
(7/15/2013 10:31:04 AM)
53
Well spoken. May the elders hear your words!
If the parents, educators, mashpiim and elders of this community can echo your healthy, focused, bitochon-filled sentiments, then this community will have a better chance at raising and marrying healthy and happy young girls and boys, who will only be that much better adept at serving their community and those outside their community as the Rebbe envisioned. Yasher Koach.
(7/15/2013 10:31:05 AM)
54
1 Point
Shadchonim who work endless hours for dead end dates and leads sometimes need a thanks for the work they do.

When they set your son or daughter and after 15 dates it ends with a no the shadchan should receive a gift for all their hard work and time and effort. It is altz hakaras hatov the thought the work the endless hours on the phone.

When you act like a mentch Hashem will help you like a mentsch.

(7/15/2013 10:33:20 AM)
55
What a great perspective!
What a great attitude to have! This is not limited to being single but to any limitations a persons can think of. When we realize that hashem has given us today to accomplish everything he wants from us we can appreciate that we already have everything we need! Thank you for this awesome article!
(7/15/2013 10:41:03 AM)
56
single until 29
When I turned 20 I started dating, I have to admit that I was extremely picky (I only realized that much later). By the time I was 23, I realized something was wrong. why was my whole class celebrating their engagements, but not me? Then I went into panic mode. I got engaged to the wrong person. A few weeks after the engagement, I realized he was not truly for me. We broke the engagement. By 26, I was really depressed. I stopped dating for a while. Then, right before my 29th birthday, this amazing shidduch was suggested. I wondered why anyone would be interested in me. after some research, I found out the boy was a baal tishuvah. Well, by then I was ready to look into anyone. I heard only great things about him, and three months later I was engaged!
My point is, have hope! I hope to hear good news!
(7/15/2013 10:52:55 AM)
57
Understanding
Yout article is amazing!! Thank you for a most wonderful perspective and insight. Is there a place in the shiddach world for someone as unique and different as you? Does the community as a whole welcome your ideas of life, or frown on a fresh thought process and viewpoint?
(7/15/2013 11:51:01 AM)
58
I agree with #33
It's the people who know you who should try to help out, not everyone should be relying on Hashem to magically make your soulmate appear in front of you.
(7/15/2013 11:53:01 AM)
59
Mazal tov!!
Wishing you so much mazal! That was super inspiring.
Thank you for sharing!
(7/15/2013 12:48:53 PM)
60
You've got a great attitude
This positive, integrated attitude will get you everywhere in life IY"H! I wish all singles were as positive as you. May Hashem grant you all manner of good and fulfill all your dreams in life. People need to be aware that around two-thirds of shidduch ideas in our community come about through friends and relatives, etc. who know the singles, not from the shadchanim themselves (even though we do customarily, as the Rebbe has advised, involve a shadchan). All of us, of all ages, need to keep our minds on shidduchim. (I've even heard of two young teens who matched up their sister and brother!)
I got married close to the age of 31 and have n*e*v*e*r forgotten the painful moments of singlehood, even though it's been a bunch of years. Let's all be kind and sensitive to the singles we know, and at the same time, keep the shidduch ideas flowing. These are some of the greatest mitzvos of Ahavas Yisrael we can perform.
(7/15/2013 12:49:24 PM)
61
EMUNA + BITACHON=SERENITY
(7/15/2013 1:35:18 PM)
62
RELAX
It's when you get into the thirties that you can start feeling anxious, Marriage can be beautiful but ENJOY every minute of your single days while you have them, because once your married and are blessed with children you will NEVER have your own space and peace and quiet. If it won't be your children it will be the grandchildren. ALL wonderful wonderful brochos, but your life as an indeperndent person will be OVER for good, grab in all that you can in doing the things you want to do or see
(7/15/2013 2:44:43 PM)
63
Loved this
There is something wrong with the frum world that early 20's is already considered old not to be married. I feel so young! I feel like my life is just starting! I don't need people feeling bad for me - I don't feel bad for myself. When G-d deems it to be the right time, it'll be the right time. Until then life will continue, yes I say continue, because I'm not waiting to get married to start my life. I have a career, I travel when I can. I love my family and friends. Marriage will only add to all of this. If people don't have a life until they get married, then they won't really have a life when they get married either. Enjoy your life....I think it's the most depressing thing when I hear girls say they're waiting to get married....
(7/15/2013 3:39:52 PM)
64
To #27
Shidduchim through the mail? In CH, a letter would get to the recipient 5 years after it was sent, after (s)he got married and had 6 kids. Our post office is the worst in the free world! Maybe, shidduchim through UPS or FedEx but for heaven's sake, NOT the Post Office!!!!
(7/15/2013 3:49:07 PM)
65
Great Article.
I fought off many suggestions to re-locate to CH for shidduchim, I was told that being 'out of town' was 'shidduch suicide'.
But I maintained - and still do - that a person will not meet their bashert unless they are happy.

I am glad to see an article that shows that being happy and single is not a contradiction.

I married at 25 and I loved my single years until then.

We also waited 3 years for our first baby and while many people were giving us well meaning advice, we were happy just being a couple.

But I do think it is sad that 22/3/4 year old girls are feeling like 'old maids'.
Unfortunately there are many people older than this who are still waiting.
(7/15/2013 4:27:56 PM)
66
@ 63
I wish there was a like button, so I could give you a like for your comment.
(7/15/2013 5:02:14 PM)
67
Beautifully written.
I really enjoyed reading this and you seem like such a great girl. One day your perfect bochur will find you and it will be worth the wait! The key to everything in life is patience! Thanks for the inspiring words! Besha'a Tova :)
(7/15/2013 5:31:54 PM)
68
I rarely read or comment on COL articles but this one was just too fantastic.
So refreshing to see I'm not the only "older" single who thinks like this.

PS My favorite is when people tell me, dripping with pity, "We should hear good news."
My response? "What?? You didn't know I woke up healthy this morning? That I communicated with the King of Kings? That I earned a living? That I helped people? That I am safe, educated and happy??"
And they shake their head sadly.

Ahh, but it's not pity, it's care and love? Just like the unsolicited dating advice we get from strangers?

Ok. Henceforth I shall lovingly bless you that you "Manage your finances better (why are you buying a new couch if you can't afford to send your child to camp??), find some successful parenting classes, start caring for your elderly parents instead of putting them in a home, learn how to communicate with your spouse and children (you know it's your stubbornness that led your child to leave home, right?) .... Oh and seriously. You should not be wearing that outfit in public if you want your daughter to get into seminary." Oh and I will say this all at your guest-filled Shabbos table..because I CARE ABOUT YOU!!

(7/15/2013 6:06:03 PM)
69
beautiful
really amazing attitude - perhaps this will awaken an awareness in people that singles dont like hearing that - it's hard to really get into other peoples shoes - those that wished you well probably have no idea that it had the opposite affect -this is a great perspective!! hatzlocha rabba to you!!
(7/15/2013 6:59:54 PM)
70
to 68
Lol!!!!! That might have been me writing that comment.
(7/15/2013 7:02:59 PM)
71
Nice!
Looks like 99% comments here are positive and agree with the girl who wrote this article. Lots of nice points here that are eye-openers and reminders to us all; particularly those in the single boat. I'm single but so not looking now cause i'm far from ready- still enjoying and trying to live up my single days here while I don't yet have major responsibilities.

Many people on here said you should enjoy your single years as much as u can, enjoy it and don't at all feel self-pitied or feel like you're "left out" of the marriage life cause being single is a wonderful thing as well. You can discover plenty before you're married and accomplish alot- both in material matters and in Yiddishkeit. Actually, doing so will make you even more ready for marriage, confidently so, rather than getting married quite empty on that by "planning" to do so when you get married- Learn now! grow ever more and accomplish more now! Single days are not meant to be wasted just cause you're "waiting" to get married! no way!

Seems like this girl has got a mature attitude / outlook on life, even with all the "IY''H by you"s she gets. So my advice is to accept it nicely without bashing back and keep holding on to your good and positive attitude, enjoy your single years with accumulated happiness in yourself and IY''H Hashem will bless you with your bashert just like has been granted to your fellow engaged friends!
(7/15/2013 9:17:46 PM)
72
wow!
i love your fresh outlook on life!
its refreshing,motivating and completely practical!
any dude out there will ,honestly, b lucky to have you!
much sucess
(7/15/2013 10:17:17 PM)
73
# 8
maybe u just found u,r match
(7/15/2013 11:07:13 PM)
74
girl
Oh, I want to get married....
(7/16/2013 12:09:17 AM)
75
sfgdf
love this article - such an exact insight into the way so many of us feel.

(7/16/2013 9:25:15 AM)
76
amazing!
Such an amazing person, I just got marry and I wish my aspirations of growing could be like yours... That's truly a way a chossid should think....
This is a article a girl wrote with her heart, there is no needs of explaination , no needs of criticism.... You are wonderful"Mushky"... May Hashem bless you, may He give you the opportunity of feeling the success of every single act you do.... You'll be an amazing wife and mother, right now, enjoy this stage of growing and lighting the world....
Your gorgoues person, and we need many like you.... Keep up your young spirit, marriage makes you old.
Yshar koach!!!!
(7/16/2013 10:29:50 AM)
77
To 68
Love it!
(7/16/2013 12:09:36 PM)
78
#43
your very lucky
i wish i had waited and saved up a bit and got some schooling now i'm in deep waters...
(7/16/2013 2:24:09 PM)
79
To #52
The author did not claim that her present life is her desired end goal. She recognizes that life is a JOURNEY made up of individual moments and she is determined to relish in and capitalize every Gd given moment. Declaring that your present situation is just a purposeless waiting period for something else is a blatant denial in the Love of Gd who is showering you NOW with gifts and potential.

Personally, I "divide" my friends into categories of "happily working on themselves vs otherwise" not "married vs single".

Blessing you all with success in being grateful and sensitive.

Sincerely,
#68
(7/16/2013 3:40:35 PM)
80
yes,
there is life before marriage!
if you dont have a life, that just aint healthy.
Hashem has His own timing.
keep focused on your wonderful life that you will share one day with your bashert. May the right time be immediately :)
(7/16/2013 4:28:00 PM)
81
Wow
What a Beautiful article written by a Beautiful person ! May Hashem bless you with only revealed good !!
(7/16/2013 5:07:09 PM)
82
TO #68
THANK YOU. That is all. You make so much sense!
(7/16/2013 8:38:02 PM)
83
omg i could have written that!
except the caterpillar example because i truly feel like a butterfly with exceptionally broad wings that allow me to explore and enjoy the journey wherever i go, whereas married people, as much as they reached their ultimate goal.. it is them who are stuck in one place -albeit for good reasons- until the nest is empty and they can fly again...
(7/16/2013 10:17:18 PM)
84
To #57, a shtickel digression:
I'm puzzled by your ambivalence regarding the attitude of the members of our community towards singles, any singles, those that are talented and mature, as well as those whose talents and maturity are a work in progress. As I see it,singles in this community, whatever their individual personality type, are not regarded as temporary nonentities. To refer back to the (very talented) writer's metaphoric "journey," they are, for the most part, regarded as being at a station in their individual lives that may be productive, exciting, enchanting, invigorating, etc. but they haven't yet arrived at their destination. The comments indicate that as enjoyable as this journey might be, most singles would welcome help from the people around them to expedite this journey. Obviously, those that are in position to do so should take the time to do so, and many actually do exactly that. Another thought: Is it possible that people would be more willing to get involved when a potentially good idea crossed their minds if they weren't afraid of the reaction they might encounter? It seems quite a few have been scared off by the reactions of singles or their families to shidduchim ideas they tried to bring up. Singles and their families need to remember that nobody deliberately brings up an outlandish or offensive idea.
(7/17/2013 3:11:22 AM)
85
Beautiful
Beautifully written! You are, indeed, quite talented!
(7/17/2013 9:49:30 AM)
86
Thanks!
a postive frame of mind and appreciating the gifts Hahsem sends is the best thing we can do for ourselves (and for shidduchim)
loved the article it gave me a boost,
a single bochur
(7/21/2013 8:30:21 PM)
87
I love love love your attitude!!

You have a wonderfully, healthy, upbeat and refreshingly positive attitude !
It is essential for everyone at every point of their life to remember that wherever your are at on your journey, take the time to stop and smell the roses and live. Really live and learn and grow so that the next step is another adventure.
Your advice is better than-" the holding your breathe anxiously waiting for the right one to arrive" attitude that has the majority of singles on edge about their unmarried status.
Hatzlacha to you and to all the singles out there!
(7/29/2013 5:01:42 PM)
88
Very true
As a much older single girl that's never been married, I admire this perspective. I'm 51, have a BA, been frum for well over 30 years, and do a lot of chesed. I've been rarely offered a shidduch through friends because I have mild Cerebral Palsy, and the thought is that ... well ... umm, I can only go out with someone who has a "disability" ... really? I drive my own car, live independently on my own and etc. So what does one have to do with the other? I'm too "normal" and have plenty to offer to the "right person." Yes, it hurts to hear "IYH by dir" when no one is offering anything in return. I agree that the frum community needs to look at the person's ability before they think and say anything and offer a shidduch "based on their physicality" rather than their midos tovos, and inner ratzon, and personality. So maybe understand why the older single girl/boy refuses to go to your simchos and do something positive about it. May we merit the Geula HaShelaima NOW!!!
(7/30/2013 1:23:04 AM)
89
So Encouraging and Spiritually uplifting!
Thank you so much for writing this article! You really have a way with words! That caterpillar mashal was so on target. I hope you make the most out of this time, and good luck with your education! You have a strong sense of emunah! Whoever marries you is one lucky guy! : ) May you have a beautiful marriage full of Shalom Bayis, Simcha, Bracha and everything good!
(10/10/2013 7:49:08 PM)
90
wow
this article really inspires me. im in the same situation as you. im a single 23 year old girl.its extremely hard for me to say mazal tov to my friends at their l'chaim even though im overjoyed for them. dating seems like an everlasting, money wasting horror procees.
after reading this article, i got inspired to buy some jewelry from mink jeweler's and wear them proudly on my next date, that will iy"h be coming up soon. i also now feel good and calm to be this age and single, yet in the process. but hopefully i wont be in this process for too long. i wish you single girl all the best in your endeavors and hatzlacha on your dating and marriage. may nhashem grant you success and complete happiness.
thank you for your inspiration.
(1/3/2014 3:52:47 PM)
91
A CONCERNED MOTHER
i have stopped saying imertz Hashem by you, PLEASE STOP SAYING THIS!! IT IS HURTFUL AND ANNOYING PLEASE EVERYONE WE KNOW THIS!!
(3/5/2014 9:18:06 PM)
92
REMEMBER YOUR UN MARRIED FRIENDS...
Before you light candles or are saying tehillim etc.
remember to add an extra prayer for your single friends out there
It will mean more to them that you have them in mind and it will absolutely help!
(3/24/2014 3:00:57 PM)
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