May 14, 2013
Things to Avoid on a Shidduch Date
The Two E Bar/Lounge at the The Pierre - a Taj Hotel in New York City

Shidduchim SOS: A mother of children shares 4 suggestions for singles on what not to do while on a shidduch date.

By Sandy Heller, HareiAt.com

As the mother of children of marriageable age, I found that there were times that my kids would engage in behavior that was totally fine when it was just the family hanging out together, but would definitely be inadvisable in a dating situation.

To save myself from overly long lectures and from constantly having to repeat myself, we devised a quick mnemonic to let my children know when their behavior was not date-appropriate.

Here are a few suggestions for items that would definitely fall into the category of what not to do:

-Oversharing: While you want to keep the conversation flowing, there is such a thing as too much information. Don't discuss your medical history, your latest disagreements with your family members or any other overly emotional sagas, at least not when you are first getting to know someone.
 
-Dominating the conversation: We all hate those dreaded awkward silences. But monopolizing the conversation, not letting your date get a word in edgewise is a far bigger problem than sixty seconds of companionable silence. Take a deep breath, allow your date to jump in with some thoughts of their own or ask open ended questions that will allow for the back and forth dialogue that should be part of the dating experience.

-Checking your phone/texting: It's been discussed before, but it can't be stressed enough. Unless there is a medical emergency, a fire or some other major catastrophe don't even touch your phone while on a date. It sends a very clear message to your date, telling them that they just aren't all that important, all that interesting, or both. 

-Using cutlery to check your teeth: If you are eating out and are wondering if you have poppy seeds, spinach or parsley stuck between your teeth, don't use a knife or a spoon to check your reflection at the table. Excuse yourself, hit the restroom and use the mirror.
 
Do you have additional suggestions? Share them in the comments below.


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1
be careful where you go
Chassidishe guys who would never step foot into a bar take their dates to hotel bars. Just because they can't think of any other place besides a hotel doesn't make a hotel bar an appropriate place. Or going for long drives or walks through country or very quiet areas.

I'm speaking from experience. It's easy to get carried away in conversation and not even realise where you are but this could be yichud
(5/16/2013 5:38:31 PM)
2
Some additions to your list:
1) Using a straw/floss stick to floss your teeth.
2) Release gas.
(5/16/2013 5:41:15 PM)
3
last tip doesnt apply
lubavitchers should go on dates to restaurants anyways.
(5/16/2013 9:46:38 PM)
4
DON'T DO THIS I TRIED IT AND IT FAILS
don't text your date
(5/16/2013 10:28:08 PM)
5
phone
Is it appropriate to use ur phone to share something? Like photos or articles..etc?
(5/16/2013 10:40:06 PM)
6
mnemonic
mnemonic implies that it helps people remember your advice. This advice, while good, spells "ODCU"
(5/16/2013 11:00:26 PM)
7
"kids"
I still think the best dating advice is, if you still think of them as "kids" they may not be ready.
(5/16/2013 11:01:54 PM)
8
These all seem to be pretty obvious
Is it not common sense that you don't text or floss on a date? You aren't married to this person, (although you very well could be that's the reason why you're on the date, right?), and the decorum and conduct that you display on a date in a semi-public place will differ greatly from that of a family setting. Unless there are that many singles doing these things with such regularity, I really don't understand the tone of the writer. I'm not saying it isn't worth her time to say this stuff, it just seems superfluous.
(5/16/2013 11:02:10 PM)
9
770 bochur
i wish you wouldn't have used that photo and place, its one of those places where i used to be able to rely on not bumping into anyone :/
(5/16/2013 11:38:09 PM)
10
Though I do it
Though I do it, I agree with number 1. I'm a chassidishe guy and yet go to Hotel bars. I thought it was weird. It's good to see someone who shares the same understanding. I do think though that some bars aren't so bad. The ones that are less "clubby" and the ones that are more "elegant" are in my opinion not inappropriate. (The peninsula being clubby vs. Ritz)
(5/16/2013 11:47:11 PM)
11
Agree with 10
if it's not a "pick-up" scene, it should be fine.
(5/17/2013 12:29:14 AM)
12
DON'T BE SUCH A M'FUNICK & HAVE FUN
TO THE GUYS: WHEN I DATED MY WIFE I HAD AN INTERESTING CONVERSATION WITH THE GUY AT THE NEXT TABLE,OVER HER OBJECTION, BUT INCLUDED HER OPINION AND HAD FUN WITH IT.

AS LONG AS YOU CAN SHEAR YOUR TEXT OR SAY EXCUSE ME BUT THIS IS ABOUT... IE INCLUDE HER IN WHATS GOING ON = OK.
(5/17/2013 12:46:01 AM)
13
NO TEXTING!!
seriously why do so many guys check their phones on dates.. it's really inappropriate and gets on my nerves.
(5/17/2013 1:41:49 AM)
14
Disagree with 12
Dating is serious! and what do you mean "over her objection"?!
(5/17/2013 2:20:42 AM)
15
Number 12
Im confused, doesnt sound like a very pleasant dating seen for the girl. Nice that u ended up married anyway.
(5/17/2013 9:13:48 AM)
16
Avoid
No burping either!
(5/17/2013 10:03:00 AM)
17
#5 No Phones at all!!!
you should be comfortable enough with your date that you shouldn't need to use the phone to occupy yourselves. You should just be able to describe them and then your date will understand!
(5/17/2013 10:26:49 AM)
18
#12
A Date is to be spent with your date not some one sitting on the next table.
if you know them then after make up a time to speak to each other not in the middle of a date!!!
your date might feel uncomfortable or shy or nervous that the whole world will know who she went out with!
(5/17/2013 10:29:29 AM)
19
very nice
very nice said, I am planning to share it with my daughter, thanks you
(5/17/2013 11:12:14 AM)
20
To number 8
Bringing up texting is something that is relevant because people do it. She is saying, don't do it, it's not appropriate or mentshlich for a date.
(5/17/2013 11:22:02 AM)
21
att authour
what do you say about sharing phone numbers before beginning to date? many boys ask for it for convenient purposes, so he can text when he arrives..etc. What's your take?
(5/17/2013 11:38:15 AM)
22
two points
1. If someone dosent have the common sense to figure out these things then I'm not sure he belongs dating. I for one would keep both my daughters far from him.

2. As for rules I think Terry Roberts put it well "when it comes to dating, the only rule is: no rules. And even that is negotiable " why should we make our kids all nervous.

In short use the gift god gave u. Your sense of judgment
(5/17/2013 12:27:13 PM)
23
Generation Gap
It's so sad that these things have to be said.
OTOH Since it has to be said, thank you for saying it.
(5/17/2013 1:18:42 PM)
24
Agree with 22
Act like yourself. There is no need for rules
(5/17/2013 2:55:16 PM)
25
where is the pic taken?
BH
BSD


Hashem indeed performs miracles in matching people to their original half...
How about everyone acting and being as they would like to be thought of and and be treated like...it matters not where you are or what you are doing...sunny day or rainy day..etc etc
PS where is the lace in the pic...wife and I want to go shidduch spotting...thanx

(5/17/2013 3:19:10 PM)
26
Yossel
NOs:
1. "Last night I finally had the dream I've always wanted; I jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge and went to Gan Eden!"
2. "My psychiatrist was very positive about my being able to start dating again! He gave me a new med that works really well on most days..."
3. "I'm looking for a girl who doesn't mind getting a job and working full time. Better her than me!"

DEFINITE YESs:

1. Hold on, I'm calling my Broker. He just texted me that my stock just jumped $3 million in value..."
2. (when arranging the date): Should I take the Jaguar or the Bentley?
3. I hope she doesn't mind that fact that I'm only 6'5" tall...
(5/17/2013 3:58:35 PM)
27
Hahaha
I laughed hard as I read this. This is ridiculous if your child doesn't know proper etiquette he or she should not be dating. So yes all the way to #22. And #26 hilarious. If life were only about looks and money life would be simpler ahhhh but its not. Relationships take courage and work. Willingness to work on it and keep the bond strong.
(5/17/2013 6:36:40 PM)
28
to everyone!
Most bochurim who are dating can't get into a bar.
(5/17/2013 9:31:24 PM)
29
I wish shidduchim were more like history
so many dates to remember!
(5/18/2013 8:39:53 AM)
30
Im Crying from laughter...
#26 that was so Hilarious! I cant stop laughing :) & #27 well said, your right, Relationships do take courage and work.
(5/19/2013 1:25:52 AM)
31
D'oh!
All this time I thought it was my personality that was repelling em. Turns out, I just needed to stop flossing at the table and tweeting about it.
(5/19/2013 3:27:25 AM)
32
This article was right on target
A few more tips for the serious,
who are looking forward to "A Binyan Adei Ad"!!!

Please don't overdo the first few dates,
A first date shouldn't be more then 2 to 3 hours.
Please pick her up on time.
No smoking please.
(5/19/2013 2:09:39 PM)
33
PREPARE A RELEVANT SICHA
WHEN I DATED MY WIFE I PREPARED A TIMELY SICHA TO SAY OVER EACH TIME - JUST FOR SOME QUALITY TIME. AND IT FILLS IN SOME OF THE GAP. HEY CRAZYER THINGS WERE DONE.
(5/20/2013 4:28:33 PM)
34
Don't discuss your medical history?!
"Don't discuss your medical history"

I disagree. How can you marry someone without telling them your medical history?
(5/20/2013 11:19:34 PM)
35
what to wear??
How can I know what should I wear on a date???
Some bochurim expect the girls to wear shabbos clothes but some are expecting the girls to wear regular clothes...
What is more appropriate?
(6/25/2013 5:36:42 PM)
36
to 26
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(7/14/2013 5:55:05 PM)
37
t everyone
#26 #28
youre hillarious!
#33 preparing a sicha is genious...i think basi legani would be amazing too only it might scare her away on a first...
(7/16/2013 1:49:26 PM)
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