Apr 17, 2013
A Mother's Role in Shidduchim

An event by the Adai Ad organization and Shalom Taskforce will answer questions on the mother's role in the shiduchim process.

As part of Adai Ad's goal in helping all areas of the Shidduchim process, Adai Ad presents "The Mother's Role in the Shidduchim Process".

Based on several requests from parents, Mrs. Devora Krasnianski, the co-founder of Adai Ad has coordinated with Shalom Taskforce to address the questions that parents have been asking.

This next program is for mothers of adult children in shiduchim who have been dating just a short while (girls - ages 18 - 22, bochurim - ages 20 - 24). We will IYH be bringing more programming in the future.

On April 24, 7:45 PM, Toby Carrey, MSW, the director of education programming for Shalom Taskforce will present about the mother's role in her children's shiduchim. (Crown Heights)

Covering:
- How involved should you be during the dating process, in what way
- When to prod your child along and when to ease off
- What to do or say (or not) when you notice something that makes you uneasy
- What are things to really be concerned about, and what are smaller things

As this type of discussion is best done in small groups, we ask that you pre-register here or by emailing info@adaiad.org Once registered, you will receive an confirmation email with the location.

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Opinions and Comments
1
access from a distance
can you arrange to provide access by phone or webcam for us out of towners, if so, please post.
(4/17/2013 3:12:43 PM)
2
i needed a push
i wish my mother would have pushed me a little bit when i needed too, i think i lost a great guy forever
(4/17/2013 3:49:32 PM)
3
please!!!
can you please find a way to stream these classes live? with a site such as http://www.ustream.tv/new , or maybe u can record them and have them available for download? (even for a small fee ;) )
(4/17/2013 4:02:14 PM)
4
to #2
i'm sorry..:(
sometimes i feel that my mother pushes me too much and i tell her she can marry the guy if she wants!
(4/17/2013 4:23:41 PM)
5
ughhh
my mother gets upset with me when i don't like some of the guys she thinks are GREAT. i tell her that she's not marrying him, i am! it's annoying. i also tell her she should go out with him if she thinks he's so great!

she keeps telling me no one finds EVERYTHING..but i'm sick of hearing that..i'm not looking for mr. perfect but i don't want someone that i'm uncertain even 1% percent about either!
(4/17/2013 4:25:54 PM)
6
To number #5
you sound extremely immature, and seem to lack in kibud aim. how many daughters would love to have their mothers help them? show gratitude and respect to your mother...you only have one, you know!! and spiritually it will be better for you also!
(4/17/2013 4:53:35 PM)
7
Happy to be a bochur
I'm 20 and am perfectly happy being in yeshiva and learning. I wonder why the class includes bochrim of my age. The majority of us aren't interested/ ready for shidduchim. There's still so much more to learn and experience before that stage in life.
(4/17/2013 4:59:10 PM)
8
To#7
I don't understand either.
(4/17/2013 5:26:09 PM)
9
to 6, this is 5
you are definitely right and i know my mother knows best and she always tells me she is looking out for only the best. i really appreciate her working on it but it is still frustrating when i'm forced to go out with someone or when i date someone and don't think it's a match and my mother tells me you'll never find mr. perfect. it's not my fault if i just don't like someone enough to marry them...
it has to be somewhat natural and i have to be somewhat excited..no?
(4/17/2013 5:44:12 PM)
10
to number #2
you can never know what hashem is planning for you... just have emunah and bitachon and you´ll see it!!
(4/17/2013 5:48:06 PM)
11
You should be great full
My mother isn't involved in shidduchum for me, and sometimes... I really wish she was.
She is just nieve to the whole system, and doesn't realize the whole process it is today.
All those who complain, think for a minute how much harder it would be, if she wasn't involved at all.
Yes, sometimes a mother could try and push you more then you would push yourself, but at the end of the day... She does want what's best for you.


(4/17/2013 5:54:03 PM)
12
to 7
if you're so perfectly happy, what are you doing on here? :)
(4/17/2013 5:59:48 PM)
13
to#9
Agreed.
(4/17/2013 6:13:20 PM)
14
to 6
I love how u tell her that she's extremely immature then go on to give her "advice" I tavka think she's mature and has a healthy attitude towards relationships.
(4/17/2013 6:13:50 PM)
15
to 5
I totally understand. For our parents its just what they hear and see on paper so every guy/girl sounds "perfect" and how can we say no. Once I told my mom that she should go on athe date
(4/17/2013 6:17:53 PM)
16
To #2
Don't worry, ziskeit. Hashem doesn't want you to lose the opportunity to bond with the other half of your neshamah. He loves you too much for that! Your true zivug tov will hopefully find you soon.
(4/17/2013 6:20:53 PM)
17
Generational differences
Dear 4 and 5,
As a woman in her fifties, I know that way back, my friends and I didn't expect bochurim to be urbane, polished, sophisticated... we made allowances for them, and left a little growing up for later. I'm guessing that's why moms don't get your hesitation. She's ok with you marrying a "work in progress." You youngsters don't seem to share that same attitude, so... forgive us. :)
(4/17/2013 7:04:55 PM)
18
7 to 12
Merely commenting :)
(4/17/2013 7:14:00 PM)
19
to#6
She is giving us her situation and you call her immature. Smh.
(4/17/2013 8:31:45 PM)
20
parent
these kids think that everything they read in books is what it is all about. It is not. Think about real life and what is important in real life. Having a good time and fun goes out the window when life kicks in. Make sure he is a responsible, mature mentch who will take care of you and carry the "youch" of the family and be a good friend to you.
Kids, get your priorities right.
(4/17/2013 10:19:18 PM)
21
To#20
I believe people know what's important to themselves.
(4/17/2013 10:39:58 PM)
22
To #9, who used to be #5
You sound much better in row #9, than in #5....you are maturing! And, yes I agree with you, you do have to feel something and yes, it has to feel natural, sort of. If 80% is good, go for it. Not everything has to be perfect, if the bochur that you are going out with , is a. healthy. b. good midos c. you enjoy being with him and enjoy the dates....GO FOR IT....everything else will fall into place.
And for those parents out there, who are so frustrated and can't get their kids married...it depends how badly you want to get your children married.

If you are really serious...tackle the problem head - on...al pi ruchniyus. Meaning...take a huge some of money, even if you don't have it and pay for someone else's wedding... You will see...things will start to happen1

Good luck...hatzlacha Rabah!
(4/17/2013 11:09:05 PM)
23
To #w20
agree entirely with what u said!
with that said
may those looking to find there beshert find now!
(4/17/2013 11:56:45 PM)
24
I'm with #20 on this!!
WEll said!!!
I am only married 6 years myself bh and very happy!!! Marriage is hard work1!!!
Working on ourselves everyday!!!!
As someone who redts shidduchim often, I think today's youngsters are spoiled and lazy thinking that life will be a fairy tale and fun.
Noone takes anything seriously, and they are not interesting in giving to others, only taking!!
It is very hard to find a good, erliche mentsch these days.
(4/18/2013 12:22:03 PM)
25
to 20
All the "kids" that I know and have met are aware of that. So thank you very much. Now instead of worrying about what their priorities are wory about yourself and see how ur helping their situation
-an advice giver
(4/18/2013 3:01:40 PM)
26
Moms need to know themselves...
If they are depressed and dont deal with it, or otherwise not living a productive, emotionaly healthy life, their kids might not be interested in their opinion!

Moms need to know themselves. if they have an older single who isnt close with them, and doesn't discuss any of their personal issues, they shouldnt expect to be a confidant when it comes to shidduchim.

I know these are not the typical, but I just thought I'd throw it out there.

Basicly what I'm saying is that a mother's role in the Shidduch procces, starts 20 years prior to the date. Ensuring that firstly, she's someone her children respect and admire and secondly, that she has good communication with them.

If her kids look down upon her, and havent really considered her opinion in years, then she will have no influence when her child dates.

Moms, this is a relationship you've got to cultivate for many years.
(4/18/2013 3:52:46 PM)
27
to 24
How dare you call them that. No one knows what a person goes through/ how hard working they are other then hashem. Are you a mind reader? Although you say ur happy, happy people don't call others names and talk trash like that.Yeah I know you'll give me excuses, such as experience you had or that its true. But its not and you have PERSONAL INTROSPECTION to do. A man is a mirror.

To all singles who may have been slighted reading her comments, just know that sometimes people may have unresolved pain and so subconsciously they take it out on others who are going through a hard time, in this case it was used against "spoiled singles" (and even some educators sometimes do it).so don't even give it second thought
(4/18/2013 4:40:47 PM)
28
TO#24
And who is spoiling these youngsters?
(4/18/2013 5:31:22 PM)
29
Parents, be a little more flexible...
Sometimes parents make the mistake of living vicariously through their children. If they struggled with something all their lives they want to prevent their children from experiencing that issue at all costs. For example, if they struggled financially, they only want to consider someone with financial stability or prospects. At some point, parents need to be more flexible if that Mr. Right has not appeared for many long years.
(4/18/2013 5:52:34 PM)
30
to #18
its a mitzvah for a man to get married... u sound too religious 4 urself :(
(4/18/2013 7:32:06 PM)
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