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Jan 24, 2013
To My Fellow Survivors
Illustration photo by Nevit Dilmen From the COLlive inbox: A frum woman who suffered abuse in her childhood tells how she thought her life was ruined forever. To my fellow survivors,
In light of the recent news on the Weberman case, I have read and heard so many stories of such tragedies.
I would like to share with you my story in hopes that it will bring some positivity out of the horror and bring about some light at the end of each your dark tunnels.
I was you.
My story is pretty much your story, in its own version. I grew up in a frum family and community. I looked and acted like a regular child except I had a terribly painful secret, that no one had any idea about. A relative had abused my body and me throughout my childhood. Then a teacher in my high school has done the same.
I was in and out of high schools and failing my way through life. I was up every night with flashbacks and nightmares. Every thought was brutally interrupted by images of my attackers. My life was a never ending battle of chaos and pain.
As my friends and I graduated high school they were all talking about seminary and traveling when all I could think about was getting through the next day. As the years went on, I danced at the weddings of friends with a pained smile plastered on my face, knowing I would never have this experience of my own. My life as I knew it was ruined and never to be reclaimed.
After seeing about 8 different and ineffective therapists, I decided I would try one last time. I refused to give up on myself if it was at all in my control.
I struggled and fought through 6 agonizing years of therapy. I worked through flashbacks and panic, anxiety and depression. I cried over lost childhood. I grieved over stolen innocence. I worked through trust and abandonment issues but most of all I took back control - control of my life that was so evilly taken. I went back to school and got a great job and am now ready for a healthy trusting relationship.
I now cherish every day of my life. I value and appreciate the amazing supportive people I have come to know. I wake up every day grateful to Hashem for my second chance at life.
If you would have told me 3 years ago that this would be my life now, I would have laughed. But this is my life. I am now emotionally connected, I learned how to communicate and I know who I can trust and who I can't. I learned there are amazing people in this world as well as, unfortunately, evil people.
I'm sharing this with you because I want you to know that this can be your story too. You had no control in the past but you have the control now - take it back! Get the help you need and deserve.
Your life is NOT over. Your life is NOT ruined forever. You still have life ahead of you. You did NOT deserve the abuse but you DO deserve to heal. If we can take away anything from the tragedies that happened we need to first heal ourselves so we can protect our children. Don't give up on yourselves. You deserve better.
Signed,
Anonymous.
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it seems like abuse case and story after story keeps surfacing..
:(
We have no sympethy or love for people who seek for extra attention from the public to drag them down into their rotten hole.
Stand up,brighten up and wipe off the dust from previous trauma and no rest.
We all heard Holocaust survivors sharing their stories,trust me they went through Enternal Suffering (to say this politely).
If these survivors were able to build there lives back to normal
how much more so can this women.
I'd like to commend Collive for putting these stories up, getting rid of the shame, and helping people move forward..
Get out there and work, it may be hard but but if there is a will there is a way..... Dont sit back and blame everyone else. make a difference
From a real ABUSED survivor
I have a close relative who sounds exactly like the way you described. Too many therapists and not connecting with them.
Would you please let us know who the therapist is? Or at least a way to anonymously contact you and find out?
With many thanks in advance.
To the article writer: We are happy for you, and pray that Hashem continue to give you the strength to rise to your challenge, conquer your demons, and find your bashert. Our best wishes you you, in your healing.
The first are the abused and those who suffer along with them.
The second are those who cannot understand what the fuss is all about, not realizing the gravity of the details or their consequences, or not wanting to realize it.
Together with the second group are the abusers, by default.
The second group also enables the abuse, often by ignorance, and sometimes deliberately.
These two groups are worlds apart.
If they could somehow be bridged, with the second truly understanding the first, survivors would heal and abuse would be reduced.
Unfortunately, it often takes until a second group-er's own child or grandchild is destroyed for them to begin to open their eyes.
On the other hand, given the current rate of abuse, that might not be long in coming.
People should do some honest research: What exactly is abuse? And what are its consequences? The first question is most important to research, because it is precisely what is most ignored.
It should also be said clearly that articles such as these refer exclusively to a single, most horrific form of abuse, that COL does not spell out by name, most probably for reasons of modesty. It is understood nevertheless by everyone except the irredeemably naive and the willful detractors.
To poster #4 - you stated "if these survivors were able to build there lives back to normal how much more so can this women." I'm not sure which article you read because my article was precisely how I built my life back to normal.
Anyone who would like to contact me can email nchana4@gmail.com
and it seem that she is because she says "abused my body"
as parents we need to speak to our children about this and pray that we get through to them that there is no room for this type of behavior in our lives.
and again we cannot change the past and we can only show sympathy and do whatever we can to all the victims
BUT WE CAN CHANGE THE FUTURE
let us demand from all our institutions schools shuls camps etc .. video cameras in every corner of the property and these should be saved forever. from the roof of the building to the deepest corner of the basement. every inch of the building. so that no one can abuse anyone without it being recorded and this will help prevent abuse in our institutions where a lot of accusations take place ...
and on all buses owned by our schools and camp
and don't tell me that it is expensive.. can you imagine how much money 1 lawsuit will cost
let us help prevent future cases
There is abuse that rips apart a child's mental health; that injures him or her for life. It is greater suffering than the worst physical beating, and it is often perpetrated by a close friend of the family, a relative, or a person in authority. That type of victim is not 'whining' or overreacting. They have serious, painful real issues to overcome because of what they endured, and these articles are trying to help remove the taboo about these kinds of abuse, so people can and will seek help.
I am still not entirely sure that COL is the place to air these things though, since i know for a fact that there are children as young as grade 5 or 6 who read this site. (whether THAT is right or wrong is another whole question).
and we as a community also need to comply with clear cut halachos of yichud. children very young can be taught the rules of yichud. if someone breaks the rules of yichud who says that he/she won't break other rules.
Wake up and smell the coffee.
From their website:
Project Extreme was founded in 2001 to help teens-at-risk reconnect with themselves, their families and their communities. Thousands of teens have been helped by Project Extreme’s broad portfolio of both short and long term programs designed to assist teens in need and their families to overcome their many challenges by providing them with life skills training, social support networks and professional counseling in a positive, healthy environment that is fun, exciting, secure and highly productive.
Our specialized programs include:
Helpline: From confused parents to troubled teenagers, the professionals manning the Helpline offer callers practical advice, valuable resources and everlasting hope. The information is priceless - and the cost is only one phone call. Phone: 516-612-3922 Email info@projectextreme.org
Camp Extreme for Boys/Camp Extreme for Girls: Provides a constructive outdoor, adventure summer experience that gives struggling teens new skills and the ability to focus more positively on their lives
Holiday Retreats: Diffuses the family stress often associated with the holidays, and places the teens in a warm and nurturing environment.
Life Mentor Program: By pairing teens with experienced mentors, Project Extreme ensures that the progress made durring one of our programs will not fade or diminish.
Nights on the Town: Safe and fun-filled experience for teens within their own communities while stressing appropriate decision-making skills.
Weekend Retreats: Integrates new teens to our programs; allows follow-up with those who have already participated in our programs; provides an opportunity to address behavioral deterioration on a monthly basis.
These forms abuse have been perpetrated by Jewish people- whom our children were taught to TRUST & RESPECT!!!!!
Thanks
Abuse is something you live through its like living through death and still having to live. Yes, some people were abused during the holocaust. Yes that's way above me to survive. But the point is most of the people that were torchered the most died they didn't have to live the rest of their life having been abused and continuing to be abused. And the holocaust wasn't done by family.
u could make such a comment. if u dont like these stories, dont read them. here this women tried to get her story out, in order to hel others, and u say those terribel things? i cant even belive they let you post that. and you know, th reason why this women's story is so tragic, is b/c she obiluasly knew if she ever said anything, she would be shot down just like she was now.and, ppl, stop comparing to the holucost, u all have no idea, and its wrong to judge. i personaly thank this anyno,ous women, for writing that articel, im sure it tok courage and bravey, more than this, ---------#4 , who all u do is sit around and judge peopel!
who i represent, .
im a regular crown hieghts girl go to
one of the crowm heights skools for girls.
no issues,
chassidsh, perfect, right.
actualy, no.
i was molested for years .
im not saying this to get pity out of anyone, as number 6 and 4 say. one day, i decided to speak up. at a skool shabbaton, i discovered that over 17 girls in my grade were abused.3/4 of them had never told thire families or anything. like i said, im not posting this for pity. i just want ppl to understand the severity of the situation. u always think its other girls, from other families, but no, im here to tell u, that i could be ur child. im telling the story of dozens of kids. one of them could be yours. and please, thank you to the author of this articel. i cant tell you how many teens in crown hieght can unfourtunately relate to this. and i want to say, coming from a survivor, yes, a survivor
i went thro s/t no body should ever, yet emerged, we
need to do s/t. lets stop all the denial and lies. its cuz of ppl like number 4 and 6 that my story, and the girls and children i represent is never told. i ask one thing of you all. if u know about something going on, TELL PEOPEL tell the police,, tell shomrim, tell anybody, this cant go on. and no, col arrivim zela ze dose not pertain to criminals. maybe u think otherwise, but im telling u, if i was ur child, which i maybe, im sure u would feel other wise. btw, this is number 42, again