May 19, 2012
Who's Your Shadchan?

From the COLlive inbox: A mother from Florida has a suggestion which will have an "encouraging effect for other parents" dealing with shidduchim.

Hi,

I have been so happy to see all the new shidduchim that have been happening all over our Lubavitch community.

Do you think it would be a good thing to ask people when they post their Mazal Tovs on COLlive to add who their shadchan was?

It might have an encouraging effect for other parents, and if it was the traditional local shadchan in the individual communities, it can only do good. If they say "friend," that's fine too (and will encourage friends to take action).

If it was a person from Crown Heights, that would be great publicity and would make the other shadchans work a little harder.

Don't forget that until a family does a shidduch they think the shadchanim do nothing for them... But when they finally get to the Ohel, the shadchan becomes the new best friend!

Thanks,
Dina.

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Opinions and Comments
1
right
very good idea!!!!
(5/19/2012 1:33:01 PM)
2
great idea
(5/19/2012 2:02:01 PM)
3
Yes I agree.
I think its a gr8 idea.
(5/19/2012 5:11:57 PM)
4
great idea!!
i thinkt his idea sounds really good and it can really help alot! thanks for bringing this up!
(5/19/2012 5:23:41 PM)
5
mazel tov !
very good idea
(5/19/2012 5:39:10 PM)
6
I think it would be a waste of time
Every time a shadchan, whether professional or just a friend, cracks a hard nut, they get calls the next day, as if they have some kind of magic. But you can't compare it to say, a good doctor, because each shidduch is min ha shamayim and so is the way it came about - whether thru this shadcan or that - so the solution is to (a) call every shadchan you can and every friend you can so that as the Frierdiche Rebbe said "Hashem will bless what we DO, so if we make many keilim we have a better chance that one of them will be blessed. And (b) we need to make ourselves a kli alpi ruchaniut, asking mashpia for guidance, studying more, doing more, tzedaka etc. and then.....Hashem will do His bit and send the zivug and it might come from the most unlikely and surprising source but that doesn't make the shadchan successful, it makes your hard work in gashmiut and ruchaniut successful.
(5/19/2012 5:49:43 PM)
7
Good idea.
I also think at the same time one should b given a way to contact that particular shadchan. email or tel. no.
Thank for the gr8 suggestion.
(5/19/2012 7:51:51 PM)
8
my sibling needs one
i think great idea!
(5/19/2012 8:16:26 PM)
9
love
love the idea!!!
(5/19/2012 8:40:03 PM)
10
Interesting
Interesting idea. My 6th child is getting married soon and as with all my children her shidduch was suggested by a family member.I have never found the shadchonim to be remotely interested in the boy or girl. They just suggest lots of names and leave you to get on with it. For me it was basically a waste of time going through a shadchan.
(5/19/2012 8:42:29 PM)
11
My son's Shadchan was....
Rochel Bryski! Yasher Koach!
(5/19/2012 9:41:53 PM)
12
Good Idea, but...
If you are so for publicizing such information, then why don't you put your name on the article!!!!!
(5/19/2012 9:43:47 PM)
13
And My son's Shadchan Was ..........
Leah Gansbourg. A truly dedicated shadchan.
(5/19/2012 9:47:23 PM)
14
Web site
We need a web site RATING the shadchanim, just like "RateMyProfessor.com". It will make them think twice how they deal with people!
(5/19/2012 9:49:28 PM)
15
And my son's shadchan
Esther Caplan !!!!! Great job Esther !!
(5/19/2012 10:16:53 PM)
16
Brilliant
This way we see how many shidduchim those shadchanim are really making..... especially the one's that charge 150.00 just to meet the shadchan.

Brilliant!
(5/19/2012 10:20:43 PM)
17
rating the shadchan
great suggestion!
I have dealt with several shadchanim over the years of marryong off my children.
whatever the case may be, and whomever the shadchan is, some shadchanim treat you like crap and some, even when they arent the one to bring the shiddach to completion are very nice and respectful...deservant of 'recognition (compenssation of sorts).
(5/19/2012 10:26:25 PM)
18
Great Idea
I think COL shoild def do this. It would help a lot!!!
(5/19/2012 10:31:06 PM)
19
Good!
Why not?
(5/19/2012 10:31:30 PM)
20
It's private!
Why does the whole world need to know who your shadchan was? It's one thing if you tell personal friends or family members, but posting specifics of which shadchan set up which couple on Col is just another open doorway for gossip.
(5/19/2012 10:33:13 PM)
21
AVTZON was my shadchan!
HE MADE ALMOST 300 SHIDDUCHIM ALREADY!
(5/19/2012 10:51:13 PM)
22
avtzon
made over 650 shiduchim over the past 15 years
(5/19/2012 11:07:07 PM)
23
avtzon
ye mamesh he made over 900 shiduchim ..
(5/19/2012 11:21:12 PM)
24
avtzon bryski .. capland...eidelman..
u think a shadchan really knows the people??? bc they spoke to them or met w them for 2 min?
(5/19/2012 11:33:35 PM)
25
I agree with #20
Some couples meet on their own or at someone's Shabbos table or were set up by friends. They might not feel comfortable posting that private info on the internet. Sometimes more that one person was involved in making a shidduch, such as when one person suggests it and another puts it into motion. Then there are also those who meet through online sites or get names from shidduch meetings. Does all of this really need to be publicized when people announce their engagement? OTOH, people do resent being hit up for big bucks by shadchanim who take the money and then forget about the person. Before handing over money, find out just what it pays for. Sometimes it covers just an initial interview with no obligation on the part of the shadchan to ever do anything else. Ask a shadchan before pre-paying if they will agree to speak to you once a week until you are engaged, to touch base about any new names that they have come up with.
(5/19/2012 11:36:22 PM)
26
Nice-little addition
I think firstly, MAKE SURE TO ASK PERMISSION.
Secondly, if possible, add the place and number to reach the shadchan. This is done according to #1.

G'luck with the whole shidduch thing!
(5/19/2012 11:42:26 PM)
27
Col live
My sons sadchan was
Chevy Lipskier! Thank You!!!!
(5/20/2012 12:05:14 AM)
28
To #24
Thank G-d they are not on your payroll!!
(5/20/2012 12:06:19 AM)
29
To #24
Please read "Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell. According to scientific research you can sum a person up in 30 seconds.
(5/20/2012 12:08:19 AM)
30
My shadchan was Tzirel Frankel she was amazing!
(5/20/2012 12:41:35 AM)
31
would give motivation for shadchanim too!
GREAT IDEA!!
(5/20/2012 12:58:51 AM)
32
Rabbi S. Zarchi
He is THE ONLY SHADCHAN who can sum up a person in 30 seconds, and he not only made 100's of Shidduchim. He made 100's and 100's of GREAT SHIDDUCHIM!!! RABBI SHLOMO ZARCHI IS THE BEST(but,I think, he's retired already)
(5/20/2012 1:51:12 AM)
33
Mrs Leibovitch
Mrs leibovitch from montreal was the ONLY shadchan i have ever met that really had the right mindset!!! shame that thes no longer with us! things would be very diff for me
(5/20/2012 2:11:39 AM)
34
The best!!
ESTHER CAPLAN!!!
(5/20/2012 2:28:07 AM)
35
We are getting into a right mess by talking about unnecessary things.
All we want to do is help more young girls & boys to finf their right one in life sooner raher than later. whats the problem.
If some1 really thinks its private then please dont worry about it and dont advertise who ur shadchan was. I have dealt with about 5 or 6 shadchanim and none of them have actually made any shidduch for my child, but I still feel that they do try.
Ofcourse some try more than others and some less some care more than others, but I cant take the credit away from what they have done.
Thank You to Leah, Gansberg, Esther Caplan, Reisy Eidelmen, Rabbi Avtzon & Faigy Rubenfeld. Thanx also to the few friends that came up with a suggestion but it did not work. We are all hopefully one step closer.
We should only share in each others simchos. I''YH.
(5/20/2012 2:53:26 AM)
36
Go mrs Reiber
I love mrs Reiber
(5/20/2012 4:28:48 AM)
37
index card shidduch
my shidduch was made by mrs tzirel deitch. she 'met' me when her son invited me over for a shabbos meal (together with a bunch of others) and thought of me when she met with my wife. bh many years on and very grateful.

i don't know what it means when i say she 'met' me. i didn't speak to her at all (perhaps i said the polite thank you at the end of the meal) and didn't open my mouth the whole evening. somehow it was enough for her to put together a profile of her impressions.

the basic info on the 'boy' profile and 'girl' profile matched and then was time for our respective sides to make detailed research and decide if we should proceed.
(5/20/2012 5:03:18 AM)
38
How About?
Maybe there should be a list of Shadchanim, and their policies publicly posted
(5/20/2012 5:33:30 AM)
39
make a form
COL, you can make this happen as well as make it more streamlined to enter mazal tovs. (Thinking about it I'm surprized i havent seen it yet).

Make a form on your site to enter mazal sometbhing likt

"Boy:
From:
Girl:
From:
Shadchan: (optional)
Your name, info, realation to couple etc.
Check box that you have permission"

You can even add a mini ad for the shadchan like you do for othe mazel tovs.

PS. However, I suspect that if you do add this feature people will see just how many shiduchim actually happen without shadchanim. (Although some people get a shadchan envolved even when they have little to do with the actual shidduch, you know. Just to seem official). Most people that I know both my friends and my wife's friends shiduchim were made by themselves, friends etc. Even the those made by shadchanim in many cases it was the parents who really did all the work.
(5/20/2012 7:04:24 AM)
40
Show me the money!!!
B"H my shadchan was not out for the money. I heard some horrible stories like the Shadchan who threw an envelope back at the parents because it wasn't enough and wanted more. It's not right, some people can't afford $1000 up front (yes, some Chabad Shadchanim want that!!) What about when it's a Shidduch? What if parents don't have a huge amount like the $2000 one Chabad Shadchan wants? Why do Shadchanim have to be so disgusting, not everyone has tons of $$ especially at Simcha time? I tell people, give what you can, in cash, and in a sealed envelope to save your embarrassment and humiliation if the shadchan is a greedy creep. A few kids ago things were very tight for us and we barely afforded our part of the simcha. I gave what I could to the Shadchan, it wasn't a fortune, I wanted to give more, but it wasn't $100 either. But if I could only afford $100? That's the best some people can do.

I get that a good shadchan puts time and effort into a Shidduch but they have to be fair. $2000? Don't try & tell me they had $2000 hours worth of work, even for the toughest sell. Why should the successful parents pay for the time of the duds? I think Shadchanim should be grateful for what they get, parents should give as much as they can and not be cheap and if a shadchan wants to earn proper money, get a paying job like the rest of us.
(5/20/2012 8:13:41 AM)
41
Mrs Blasberg
Why not do it righ here? My shadchante was mrs Blasberg. She meets with you for about an hour (you pay for that appointment) and then either thinks of someone right away (my case) or keeps you in mind until something comes up (my wife's case).

From my experience, she doesn't waste your time with bad suggestions. She isn't in it for the money; she cares and advises.

Compare that to another shadchanit who spoke on the phone to my mother for two minutes and then gave her six names saying "here, tell me which one you like"!
(5/20/2012 8:57:36 AM)
42
At number 29
You sound like a shadchn. I don't need mr gladman to tell me that after a short time, one can get a correct impression of someone. But that doesn't mean that you can marry them yet, so how can you start suggesting names for marriage yet? After 5 minutes, you can assign someone one of twenty personalities or so, that's all.

Plus, if shadchanim want the parents to do all the work, why do they expect such a lot of money?
(5/20/2012 9:02:57 AM)
43
a real shadchan?
I can email a bunch of names to the masses too.

The best are the ones that really care, the quiet ones - the ones whom deeply truly care. The ones that are there in good times and sad times.

Yes Chevy Lipsker easily comes to mind.
(5/20/2012 9:12:11 AM)
44
To #40
I have yet to meet a shadchan that does it for the money.
(5/20/2012 10:21:50 AM)
45
to col
please take a look at #39 suggestion.
you should know who it is that is giving you the mazal tov information and if they have permission to fill you in.
shadchan thing may really help encourage e/o to help out.
thank you!
(5/20/2012 10:33:02 AM)
46
shadchan
Everyone, please make one shidduch before venting.
(5/20/2012 10:38:28 AM)
47
Single and Looking
I have been to see a lot of shaddchanim and from my personal experience the one that i have found who is in it to help you is Mrs Blasberg. I find that she tries everything in her power to get to know you better as a person not as another name on her list. This helps when it comes to suggesting people because then you can see she has really put some thought into it and the name makes sense and isn't just thrown around! if you would like to contact her her email address is underthechupa@gmail.com
(5/20/2012 10:43:59 AM)
48
chabad.org
theres a list of shadchanim on chabad.org
(5/20/2012 11:21:46 AM)
49
To #40
Shadchanis Gelt is the most elevated and honestl way of receiving payment for "VERY HARD WORK". A couple's SHOLOM BAYIS depends on whether the Shadchan received payment for the Shidduch. For your information, a Shadchan can make hundreds and hundreds of phone calls, and go thru hundreds and hundreds of names until he sets up one for you , and then go thru that process another couple hundred of times until,hopefully, you will get engaged. And this didn't happen to you, you heard this from someone???????
(5/20/2012 11:32:31 AM)
50
Moshe raitman
He's the best! He with you through the process 100% of the way.
(5/20/2012 11:57:31 AM)
51
Maybe
Maybe we should also include:

where they went on a date
what they ordered
where the car came from
how long they dated for
how he proposed
what perfume she wore
(5/20/2012 12:07:41 PM)
52
How to make a Shidduch happen
I'm not going to write my name,but loads of people will know who I am.About 35-40 years ago,a man from Israel started calling my father,he wanted a certain guy for his daughter. They were so not interested. He would call my father once a day, then it became 2x a day, then 6x a day, until it turned into every hour on the hour.(I was a kid, so I was the secretary)This,literally, went on for months and months. Guess what, they went out, got married, and I sure hope their marriage is a good one.In our house, when the phone rings,who is it? It"s"_________" on the phone, the same joke for 40 years.
(5/20/2012 12:12:49 PM)
53
Mashie Greenberg
My shadchin was Mashie Greenberg. She set me up four times till it was the right one. She was the only shadchin I dealt with who was not in for the money and she stayed up till I came home from the date to hear from me! Thank you Mashie
(5/20/2012 12:38:39 PM)
54
LOL 51 and 23!
I seriously laughed out loud
(5/20/2012 12:47:53 PM)
55
Shandel Blassberg!
She was quick and efficient, and pleasant to work with!
(5/20/2012 1:48:07 PM)
56
I made a beautiful Shidduch
I didn't get much in the way of Shadchonis gelt because neither side had anything. They gave me what they could & you better believe it, it was hard for them to scrape $100 together. I felt terrible taking it & I asked them to please give me $1 because that is the inyan, not the amount. Yes, #49 is 100% right, it is a segula for sholom bayis AND children but why do people have to bankrupt themselves? It should be just a token, not a fee. If a shadchan is a decent hearted professional he/she will look at the families and accept according to their pockets. The very rich can pay more & they will feel it less than a poor unemployed father who has to worry about paying for even very basic, simple wedding expenses..

By the way, my very wise mother told me to accept whatever the families gave graciously, even though I knew it was hard for them, because she said they were happy to do it because they were so thrilled with the shidduch & why make them feel like schnorrers? But I still felt guilty.

My own experience. Like many people, the economy hit us very badly. In better times we could spend a lot on a simcha and not think twice & we gave very nice shadchanus. The last one (I am not done yet B"H) I was ill over how could I give the shadchan AND buy a diamond AND make a lchaim AND clothe my family AND buy a leichter, and pay a photographer and and and. We have to cut back on everything. Including the size of the diamond, the weight of the leichter, the make of the sheite,l and yes, the menu, the # of guests and the amount we can afford for shadchanus. It's time we became realistic and remembered that B"H most of us still have more simchas to make. The pot only goes so far.
(5/20/2012 2:00:00 PM)
57
very good idea!!!!!
(5/20/2012 3:33:23 PM)
58
No Shadchan
Why do you assume that everyone has a shadchan?!
(5/20/2012 3:49:09 PM)
59
A concerned parent
I've contacted all the shadchanim mentioned in this article. A few answered my first phone call, but don't pick up when I call again. A few haven't returned even one phone call, even though I left quite a few messages. It's so disheartening. If I didn't need to marry off my child, I would be ready to give up.

I agree that shadchanim do some work, but us parents do a lot of work ourselves. I can't tell you how many hours we've spent on research, speaking to people, etc. One shadchan told me- "It's your child, you need to do the work." We do it willingly and without pay, because we love our children.
(5/20/2012 6:47:20 PM)
60
To #59
If I were you I'd call each name mentioned here by satisfied people & say I SAW YOUR NAME IN THE ARTICLE ON COLLIVE & I WOULD LIKE YOU TO WORK ON MY xx BEHALF.

If they don't return your call by Monday evening, let us know. Because that's not right. They can't have it all ways.
(5/20/2012 7:11:33 PM)
61
#14:
we DO need that rating for shadchonim, but we also need it for TEACHERS.
(5/20/2012 7:50:16 PM)
62
vezy
vezy smart
(5/20/2012 10:25:50 PM)
63
To #40
You have to take into consideration all the hours the shadchan puts into the calls and dates that don't end up working out! Divide the total hours the shadchan puts in by the money they actually make and they are left with maybe $5 an hour. Now you tell me why there are so few shadchanim. To be a shadchan is not worth the money, so at least be appreciative and pay nicely once you're helped!!!
(5/20/2012 10:30:47 PM)
64
yes!
I have thought about that idea many times too. Thanks for suggesting
(5/20/2012 11:38:53 PM)
65
ANOTHER GREAT SHADDCHAN!
Shloime Simon! I even had a key chain designed for him, thru the company. It read #1 Shaddchan! (He really appreciated that) Shaddchanim DO work very hard... AT THAT TIME Mr Simon did not request any money up front...although, numerous of times throughout the while that he was WORKING on our Shidduchim, we gave him money, in gratitude of what he was doing for us! Hashem, should bless you, Shloime, to have Mazal in arranging many many more successful Shidduchim!
(5/21/2012 2:28:10 AM)
66
CHANCHI MILECKI!!
If you want a good Shadchan call up Chanchi Milecki! She is really great. She gives you all the time you need and will always answer your call, no matter what time you ring.
(5/21/2012 4:23:29 AM)
67
To #40
Like any prospective "business deal", the businessperson makes a pitch to a new client. Sometimes it works & they seal the deal. Sometimes it doesn't - do businessmen expect to be paid for an unsuccessful sales pitch? Do they tell the prospective client "I didn't get the account but you have to pay me for the work I did!"? Don't be ridiculous.

You can't expect people to pay what they don't have. I've said it before - by YOUR reckoning, people should only get married or use a shadchan if they have enough money. What is "enough"? Again, you're ridiculous. PAY WHAT YOU CAN AFFORD. If that is a lot, then pay generously. If not, not.
(5/21/2012 6:50:21 AM)
68
A truly devoted SHDCHON.
Mrs. Fagy Rubenfeld.
(5/21/2012 8:15:49 AM)
69
chanchi milecki
whats chanchi milecki's email or phone #? and does she deal with older guys and girls?
(5/21/2012 10:30:30 AM)
70
WOW
I don't think most people realize how much work shadchanim put into making shidduchim. Many parties requires hours upon hours of what essentially amounts to free therapy, hand holding, and encouragement. There are politics to wade through, and a shadchan has to know how to handle things diplomatically.

There is a movement afoot in other communities (where people want to see couples married off already), that the shadchan is paid according to a percentage of the total wedding costs. I.E. the shadchan gets 5% of what the total wedding costs are - if you make a $100,000 chasunah, then yes, you can afford to give the shadchan $5000. A $30,000 chasunah means the shadchan gets $1500. And a $10,000 chasunah (they're rarer but Devorah Benjamin most certainly makes them) will cost $500. Yes, even the poorest couple can pay $500, and any couple that poor the shadchan will happily take installments.

We got married with a lot of student loan debt. We didn't have good jobs. We told our shadchan, "We can afford to give you $100 right now, and then we want to pay you $X per paycheck until we reach $1800. Is that okay with you?" It took us almost 4 years to do it, but he appreciated that small consistent check that came every two weeks like clockwork.
(5/21/2012 2:28:36 PM)
71
Mashie greenberg
I too had a great experience with mashie.It's amazing to see a shadchan do this in such a selfless manner.she stays up,giving away hours of her sleep to help,literally counsel the boy or girl.when parents live out of town this can be especially helpful.much appreciation,anonymous
(5/21/2012 3:20:12 PM)
72
about the shadhan
it will be great to know,because i'm french and untill now i_ had chidduchim, but it will be good if we know who is the chadhan,like that she can help us to found our re"al baschert, we never know,thank you,
(5/21/2012 5:49:22 PM)
73
Mashie Greenberg
The most dedicated shadchin. She doesn't give up on me!
(5/21/2012 8:01:49 PM)
74
Thank you Mashie
Mashie Greenberg from Selebration set me up and spoke to me, prepped me, counseled me for endless hours. After six dates I dropped it. All other shadchonim would drop m, they only like easy cases. Mashie is working on another shidduch for me. yasher Koach
(5/21/2012 8:06:16 PM)
75
Shadchonim are not slaves!
You can't expect a shadchin to be available at all times. A shadchin is not a well paying job! A shadchin could set dozens of people up. If an engagement does not result, the shadchin gets nothing for her hundreds of hours of work! If you think it's a money making business why don't you go into the business.
(5/22/2012 11:13:48 AM)
76
To #69
If you want Chanchie Mileckis number you can call her husband chony the musician - he advertises on col
(5/23/2012 7:04:29 AM)
77
Brilliant Suggestions!
To all of those with your brilliant suggestions for the website, they're all GREAT ideas!!!... now go do them! Please! Get the site working to our specifications!
(Oh, and we'll only pay you for the one page at the end that actually works... and you have a time limit to get it done, but we won't tell you what that is, just everyone else, anonymously.)

I'd like to add a few brilliant suggestions of my own:
We can have a RateMyProfession.com website, where we can share our copious knowledge and understanding of jobs we've not worked in...
We can have a RateMyMaster.com website for all of us expected to be on 24 hour call with no other obligations... children, of course, could be discussed...
We can have a RateMyPerson.com website, telling all the world of our experiences with others... even better, we can hook up cameras to follow everyone around!
Eventually, we can have a real-time loshon hara generator the likes of which we've never seen!
I can only see how this will help! We can call it FrumFacebookMax!

Who would have thought that a computer system could supplanted an Eye That Sees and a Book In Which All Your Deeds Are Recorded - and so quickly?
(11/14/2012 9:51:41 AM)
78
shadchanim
Is ok to have many shadchonim at the same time?
we talked to one like 6 month ago and 0 dates
(6/14/2013 6:55:04 PM)
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