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May 19, 2012
Who's Your Shadchan?
From the COLlive inbox: A mother from Florida has a suggestion which will have an "encouraging effect for other parents" dealing with shidduchim. Hi,
I have been so happy to see all the new shidduchim that have been happening all over our Lubavitch community.
Do you think it would be a good thing to ask people when they post their Mazal Tovs on COLlive to add who their shadchan was?
It might have an encouraging effect for other parents, and if it was the traditional local shadchan in the individual communities, it can only do good. If they say "friend," that's fine too (and will encourage friends to take action).
If it was a person from Crown Heights, that would be great publicity and would make the other shadchans work a little harder.
Don't forget that until a family does a shidduch they think the shadchanim do nothing for them... But when they finally get to the Ohel, the shadchan becomes the new best friend!
Thanks,
Dina.
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Thank for the gr8 suggestion.
Brilliant!
I have dealt with several shadchanim over the years of marryong off my children.
whatever the case may be, and whomever the shadchan is, some shadchanim treat you like crap and some, even when they arent the one to bring the shiddach to completion are very nice and respectful...deservant of 'recognition (compenssation of sorts).
Secondly, if possible, add the place and number to reach the shadchan. This is done according to #1.
G'luck with the whole shidduch thing!
Chevy Lipskier! Thank You!!!!
If some1 really thinks its private then please dont worry about it and dont advertise who ur shadchan was. I have dealt with about 5 or 6 shadchanim and none of them have actually made any shidduch for my child, but I still feel that they do try.
Ofcourse some try more than others and some less some care more than others, but I cant take the credit away from what they have done.
Thank You to Leah, Gansberg, Esther Caplan, Reisy Eidelmen, Rabbi Avtzon & Faigy Rubenfeld. Thanx also to the few friends that came up with a suggestion but it did not work. We are all hopefully one step closer.
We should only share in each others simchos. I''YH.
i don't know what it means when i say she 'met' me. i didn't speak to her at all (perhaps i said the polite thank you at the end of the meal) and didn't open my mouth the whole evening. somehow it was enough for her to put together a profile of her impressions.
the basic info on the 'boy' profile and 'girl' profile matched and then was time for our respective sides to make detailed research and decide if we should proceed.
Make a form on your site to enter mazal sometbhing likt
"Boy:
From:
Girl:
From:
Shadchan: (optional)
Your name, info, realation to couple etc.
Check box that you have permission"
You can even add a mini ad for the shadchan like you do for othe mazel tovs.
PS. However, I suspect that if you do add this feature people will see just how many shiduchim actually happen without shadchanim. (Although some people get a shadchan envolved even when they have little to do with the actual shidduch, you know. Just to seem official). Most people that I know both my friends and my wife's friends shiduchim were made by themselves, friends etc. Even the those made by shadchanim in many cases it was the parents who really did all the work.
I get that a good shadchan puts time and effort into a Shidduch but they have to be fair. $2000? Don't try & tell me they had $2000 hours worth of work, even for the toughest sell. Why should the successful parents pay for the time of the duds? I think Shadchanim should be grateful for what they get, parents should give as much as they can and not be cheap and if a shadchan wants to earn proper money, get a paying job like the rest of us.
From my experience, she doesn't waste your time with bad suggestions. She isn't in it for the money; she cares and advises.
Compare that to another shadchanit who spoke on the phone to my mother for two minutes and then gave her six names saying "here, tell me which one you like"!
Plus, if shadchanim want the parents to do all the work, why do they expect such a lot of money?
The best are the ones that really care, the quiet ones - the ones whom deeply truly care. The ones that are there in good times and sad times.
Yes Chevy Lipsker easily comes to mind.
you should know who it is that is giving you the mazal tov information and if they have permission to fill you in.
shadchan thing may really help encourage e/o to help out.
thank you!
where they went on a date
what they ordered
where the car came from
how long they dated for
how he proposed
what perfume she wore
By the way, my very wise mother told me to accept whatever the families gave graciously, even though I knew it was hard for them, because she said they were happy to do it because they were so thrilled with the shidduch & why make them feel like schnorrers? But I still felt guilty.
My own experience. Like many people, the economy hit us very badly. In better times we could spend a lot on a simcha and not think twice & we gave very nice shadchanus. The last one (I am not done yet B"H) I was ill over how could I give the shadchan AND buy a diamond AND make a lchaim AND clothe my family AND buy a leichter, and pay a photographer and and and. We have to cut back on everything. Including the size of the diamond, the weight of the leichter, the make of the sheite,l and yes, the menu, the # of guests and the amount we can afford for shadchanus. It's time we became realistic and remembered that B"H most of us still have more simchas to make. The pot only goes so far.
I agree that shadchanim do some work, but us parents do a lot of work ourselves. I can't tell you how many hours we've spent on research, speaking to people, etc. One shadchan told me- "It's your child, you need to do the work." We do it willingly and without pay, because we love our children.
If they don't return your call by Monday evening, let us know. Because that's not right. They can't have it all ways.
You can't expect people to pay what they don't have. I've said it before - by YOUR reckoning, people should only get married or use a shadchan if they have enough money. What is "enough"? Again, you're ridiculous. PAY WHAT YOU CAN AFFORD. If that is a lot, then pay generously. If not, not.
There is a movement afoot in other communities (where people want to see couples married off already), that the shadchan is paid according to a percentage of the total wedding costs. I.E. the shadchan gets 5% of what the total wedding costs are - if you make a $100,000 chasunah, then yes, you can afford to give the shadchan $5000. A $30,000 chasunah means the shadchan gets $1500. And a $10,000 chasunah (they're rarer but Devorah Benjamin most certainly makes them) will cost $500. Yes, even the poorest couple can pay $500, and any couple that poor the shadchan will happily take installments.
We got married with a lot of student loan debt. We didn't have good jobs. We told our shadchan, "We can afford to give you $100 right now, and then we want to pay you $X per paycheck until we reach $1800. Is that okay with you?" It took us almost 4 years to do it, but he appreciated that small consistent check that came every two weeks like clockwork.
(Oh, and we'll only pay you for the one page at the end that actually works... and you have a time limit to get it done, but we won't tell you what that is, just everyone else, anonymously.)
I'd like to add a few brilliant suggestions of my own:
We can have a RateMyProfession.com website, where we can share our copious knowledge and understanding of jobs we've not worked in...
We can have a RateMyMaster.com website for all of us expected to be on 24 hour call with no other obligations... children, of course, could be discussed...
We can have a RateMyPerson.com website, telling all the world of our experiences with others... even better, we can hook up cameras to follow everyone around!
Eventually, we can have a real-time loshon hara generator the likes of which we've never seen!
I can only see how this will help! We can call it FrumFacebookMax!
Who would have thought that a computer system could supplanted an Eye That Sees and a Book In Which All Your Deeds Are Recorded - and so quickly?