Feb 23, 2012
Unwritten Rules of Dating
SOS Shidduchim: A married man shares a few rules for dating based on things he personally experienced on shidduch dates.
By Yaakov for COLlive
I'm writing this article today, not because I'm looking to become a published blogger or writer, I'm writing because of a few things that came to my attention, and things I personally experienced.
Sadly, common sense is "not that common" today! There are many aspects of dating and relationships that I would like to bring to the public's attention, however because of the urgency I will focus on 5 things today.
1. Right to Privacy
During the course of dating, (especially in our circles where we date for marriage purposes only) we may speak things that are extremely personal and very private. Therefore, it should go without saying, that nothing that 2 people on a date ever discussed should be repeated. This should be taken as seriously as not eating on Yom Kipur!
While your sibling is dating, it is very likely they may confide in you, with any doubts or issues they have about the person. This is very common. However, please remember - Don't ever make decisions for them!
In truth, all they want is a listening ear, and by listening, you will help them make up their minds. By telling them straight out to end it with a guy or girl, you're creating 2 huge problems 1. You're not letting them make the logical decision that they should come to 2. if they do choose to marry the person against your advice, you just became the new enemy (and don't kid yourself - it WILL get back to the person that you advised against them).
3. End it right
If a guy or girl decides that they don't want to continue dating an individual, (which of course is perfectly alright), make sure you inform them properly.
If it's after only one date, you don't owe them any explanation, let the Shadchan be the one to notify them. Even if it's after 2, or even 3 dates, most Shadchanim agree that the Shadchan can still be the one to notify them. If, however, you decide to end things after dating 4, 5, or more times, please don't be unprofessional and end it through a text message, or a 3rd person. Be a mentch and call the individual, and say thanks for your time and wish them well in the future. If you're not mature enough to do that, if I may be blunt - you don't belong on the dating scene. Please don't use the lame excuse that it's not Tznius. You just dated the person for countless hours, you may have spent up to 30 hours with them, and hundreds (or thousands!) of dollars, a 3 minute conversation is perfectly acceptable.
4. Don't ask, don't tell
Your dating partners of the past should not to be discussed, as players in major league baseball, and what that means is as follows:
1. Don't tell your friends, I dated so and so.
2. Don't tell your spouse, I dated so and so (it has absolutely no benefits, and according to Rabbi Manis Friedman it usually does harm, I have recordings of them both saying this).
3. Please don't tell your engaged friends that your Chosson or Kalla is someone I dated, it's can be very hurtful and embarrassing.
4. If a boy or girl comes up for you, and you're not interested, don't go around telling everyone you know that they were interested in you. If you turn someone down, move on.
5. Just say Mazal Tov
When a close friend of yours gets engaged, please respect their privacy. Their partner in life is not like everything in their life until now, that you were entitled to an opinion on (this is not an IPhone 4 VS a 4S you are comparing/discussing). A true friend should smile, and give them the privacy they deserve.