|
|
|
|
Jan 8, 2012
Am I Rushing to the Chuppah?
From the COLlive Inbox: A 22 year old Bochur writes, "Just last week, my mother called me for a 'serious conversation'. I was expecting that it might be the Shidduch talk, but I was not expecting what she actually said." From the COLlive Inbox:
I am 22 year old bochur from a good family. OK, almost 23. I learned well through all my years in yeshiva, I was part of the head staff in camp, I did some interesting shlichus work in exotic countries, and I just got smicha. I am told that I am fun to be with, responsible and great with kids.
Just last week, my mother called me for a "serious conversation". I was expecting that it might be the Shidduch talk, but I was not expecting what she actually said - a shiduch offer!
She told me about this wonderful girl. She said something like: "She is frum, and tznius and dresses well." My mother went on about how she comes from a really good family, went to seminary in Tsfas and that we seem to have similar likes and personalities.
My mother already checked into her and she heard so many good things about her. That is why she really thinks that it is 'worth it' to try. And lastly: "You're 23 already and it is time to start." My parents really believe that 'she really might be the one for me.' My mother is more excited than I have seen her in a long time.
But, I don't feel that I am ready. I had plans to do Shlichus work for another few months with some friends. I so did not even start thinking about shiduchim and marriage. After all, I have a few more things I want to do before I get married. On the other hand, my mother knows what it is best for me and what I need in a wife (at least I think so). Maybe it is a good idea, maybe worth a try...
I have so many questions. I'm confused. I don't even know what to think. Should I grab this opportunity? I'm still so young, why should I rush into marriage? I am not ready for all that responsibility! I have never even spoke to a girl. I don't know anything about marriage - besides what the bochurim joke about, and my one brother's experiences. I spoke to my older brother and my mashpia. But their responses are just confusing me more, just random bits of advice that don’t make so much sense to me. I don't know what to do so I'm writing on COLLive to get input from the many married people out there. Thanks!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Some will say, people are turning 27 without a shiduch, you must jump at it now! Others will say, you'll never feel 100% ready but if you are considering the possiblity then you are ready enough. And yet others will use ALL CAPS to make their point why you must listen to them yada yada...
What I think everyone will agree is that if you do decide to go ahead with it, it must be with the understanding that you may get married for real. It cannot be a "test run" or to feel that "I may just call it off in middle claiming I realized I'm not ready.
Young man, at least think about what she has to say. I agree, you shouldn't get married to please Mom but we really do have our children's best interests at heart. Just remember, not all Shidduchim work out the first time. Don't be so quick to nix the idea, you may be passing up your bashert. THINK.
Mom, a word of advice. Don't push. Back off and wait for your son to come around to the idea of a shidduch. He will. In the end it's his life and his decision.
Don't get me wrong, I believe that you spoke with ur mashpia, what I don't believe is that you were as open and honest as you have to be. Marriage-as u write- is no small thing but u have to be ready to give all the truth and what u are really thinking out in the open to ur wife, and essentialy if u want to know how to find the right girl u have to be that honest with ur mashpia!
If u were that honest and u feel he can't help u my advice to u is to find another mashpia cause the one u are speaking with doesn't understand u well.
Hatzlacha rabba
Dont EVER EVER push off a good suggestion. Jump on it, jump right in. worse comes to worse you won't like her or she won't like you and you'll have just wasted a few hours of your time (but maybe gained practice in the dating scene and confidence in yourself) Best case scenario it will work out and then trust me you won't be thinking about doing just a few more things. You'll be so happy and thrilled to be getting married.
Dont over think this.
Agreeing to one date isn't a major life change. Its just a few hours of your life.
Go for it!!!!!
do what you want now to broaden your horizons a bit...you're a good guy and good bochurim are always at a premium and always get good calls.....
if you don't feel you want that responsibility and it is a huge responsibility...dont do it...wait six months and then assess.
hazlacha...and when you are ready....let us know and we will all have good names for you.... lol
just one word of caution: don't wait too long, don't pass your prime and become an older bochur...your prospects will not be the same...six month however, is more than reasonable.
no one says all of a sudden "okay, i need a wife lets get married"
you just jump into to it.
obviously with the evaluation of your parents and people with experience, who can tell you if your ready. but you as yourself you wont ever feel you are ready
no one knows anything about marriage we all learn on the job but thats part of the beauty of it. if you want my advice GO FOR IT!
i agree with 11 and 15
if you all had your way, hed "jump" right into it, then wake up in 3 years with 2 kids thinking this is not what he signed up for.
relax, hes 23 not 35
In general, internet forums (especially ones such as this) are not the best channel to look to for advice. In an issue such as this, the answer needs to be very tailored to your specific situation. There is no one answer that can be given to fill every person's need.
Some people need to wait until they have gone through those other 'experiences', otherwise they will feel bitter about dating. Others should go out when a fantastic opportunity comes up, because you will never truly be 'ready'.
So my advice, as someone who went through the same thing, is to have fun reading these answers, and then either sit down with your mashpia and speak frankly with him, or try to find a mashpia who can really help you gain clarity in the issue.
And, re: number 12: yes, although mother's often know best, they are sometimes a tiny bit biased in this subject :-).
May you only have revealed good!
you are not allowed to refuse.
the are B"H happily married.
and do not forget if it is a perfect match "SHEMO YEKADMENO ACHER" AND THEN YOU WILL HAVE TO SETTLLE FOR SECONDS.
All these comments are pretty much the same, but what I can say is that I agree with the getting married/going on a date one if it's good it's good otherwise it's just a few hrs of your time...
Al tachmitzenoh!
My mother cried, and it didn't work. I finished my "projects" and started dating a day after I turned 24, and got married a year later, a week after I turned 25.
If you have something productive to do, do it, and then get married. No rush.
If you're not sure then you should sit down with a pen and paper and plan your life. Ask yourself, what do I want to do before I get married? What do I need to do to be "ready" for marriage? etc.
Now, Since I made that sound so simple I'm going to confuse you with some other general stuff;
Bear in mind that you may never feel ready to get married (although you'll be more comfortable with the idea than you are now)
You may be missing a good prospect but you also have to make choices in life. If you're not ready then it's not for you. Just like you missed many "opportunities" since you were born.
You will get older and, within the current system, you won't get as many phone calls once you're considered "old". You may choose to worry about that or you can consider the fact that if you're a good decent guy then you'll have options when you're ready.
Good LUCK!
You find yourself in the perfect situation, on the one hand you feel like you are not ready , on the other your mother feels like she may have found your bashert. What is great about this situation is that you have reservations. if you go out with this girl and she makes your forget your reservations about getting married, well then you know she is the right one, if when you date her she confirms your feeling that your not ready, well then she is not the right one. the shidduch process can be very long sometimes, and there is nothing wrong with getting your feet wet a bit
You say you'd rather do Shlichus for now. I think that the Rebbe would clearly suggest that shiduchim should be your main focus.
hurry up and get married before you mess yourself up.
Speaking from experience.
Much hatzlacha!
ps.
When u will be ready hashm will send u a sign
TOO MANY DIVORCES HAPPEN BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE PRESSURED INTO MARRIAGE
You speak to a mashpia, asei lecho rav -- not write an oped to the world.
Your mother should NOT have taken names or looked into this girl (thereby stringing her mother and the girl along) BEFORE having the "Shidduch conversation" with you, as you have mentioned. This is completely unfair and improper. I have heard from many boy's mothers who will not take any names until their sons are ready and this is the way it should be.
Your beshert will be there when the time comes.
If you feel you are not ready to take on the commitment of marriage and children yet, do not date. Period.
If you start dating before you are ready, one of three things can happen:
1. It is possible you will meet her and suddenly realize you are ready. You will marry her and have a wonderful life together. Great! Hodu L'Hashem Ki Tov!! That is the ultimate beginning to a fabulous fulfilling life!!
2. You will meet her and see how wonderful she is and will decide that you should marry and many years from now, when life is being lived (and it is not always easy) you will look back and remind yourself that you were not ready....Regrets are not conducive to a healthy life.
3. Until you are truly ready, no matter how wonderful she, or any other girl you date, is, you will find fault, you will nit-pick and when you are finally ready, you will find yourself confused because of how many girls you have already met...There are over 100 bochurim like this around today who are over 25 and been out with many girls. Do you want to be one of them?
I am sure there are a few other scenarios, but these are the most common.
So, you really need to be SURE that you are not ready and that this isn't a case of just wanting to push off the inevitable. Because, fact is, just as you were raised to do the Rebbe's work, you also must have learned that a man's place in the world is to marry and have children. So, why "push off for tomorrow what can be done today"?
While you should not make this decision lightly, dig into yourself, figure out why you think you are not ready, and decide if these are valid fears, etc. or not.
May you and all the bochurim and girls who are looking for their zivugs, find their matches B'SHAOH TOVAH U"MUTZLACHAS!!!
I got married at 18 and my husband was 20, I don't regret it at all, we were ready for it and there were no doubts.
If you feel like there are certain things you would like to do before getting married go for it.
i wish u good luck in all u do!!!
concerned jew
Therefore, you are either full of rubbish and not happy
Or
you're fooling around and shouldnt be giving advice to good Frum Bochurim!!
(oh and you should probably get married or just grow up....)
It will answer all your questions...
some say jump right into it...
Why don’t any of you wise people look yourselves, or suggest this Bochur to look at what the Rebbe says about these matters?
This is just some of the points I found helpful to my own dealing with this issue, after talking over this inyan with my mashpia, and listening to his advise…
At the end of the day, you can speak to a mashpia or parent or get good advise from someone else, but after all is said and done, you might still have doubts about yourself, if you are ready yet, if it should disturb whatever you are involved in etc.
There are hundreds of letters printed in the Rebbes Igros Kodesh regarding these matters etc. letters to parents, to the bochur. to the girl etc,
Heichal Menachem lately printed a full Sefer with a collection of a lot of these letters,
Just to mention a few points from these letters that might shed some light onto the discussed issue:
First of all, you see many times the Rebbe expressing concern and dissatisfaction regarding the age that our Bochurim start dating, the Rebbe writes many times that he would like the bochurim to go on shiduchim at an earlier age than the accepted and popular age, the Rebbe writes to someone that 20 and the early 20’s is when the bochurim should start out seeking there bashert.
Secondly, you will find a number of letters addressed to Bochurim, (seemingly asking the Rebbe about your concern, or similar) where the Rebbe writes that, (unlike common belief as seen in some of the comments here…) ones learning should not at all compromise on his chiyuv to go out on shiduchim and find his bashert and make a diro betachtonim.
And when the Rebbe speaks about looking for a Shiduch, it doesn’t mean to sit back and relax waiting for the best offer to come up, the Rebbe writes “ kemechapes achar avaido!”
There are a lot more letters from the Rebbe about this inyan,
If we were 25 years back what would you have done?? Obviously write to the Rebbe.
Now unfortunately we cant do that anymore..
We should all research and look at what the Rebbe advised people in your situation, and in this inyan bichlal.
IY”H with the Rebbes advise and Broches everyone in need of a Shidduch should find his and her Bashert bekorov!
you aren't too young, marriage is a mitzvah, you're hesitation isn't an indication that you 'aren't ready'. it's more likely a 'fear of the unkown'. so why not go ahead, as you are suppose to al pi torah, and after a few dates, you will see if you are feeling rushed,.... or not. the final decision shouldn't be rushed or pressured. but for now... go for it.
how are these guys OK with it??? someone explain??
Good Luck
A bachur's mind set should be to make a Jewish, Chassidishe, Lubavitcher home as soon as possible. There is seder in Lubavitch. If the bachur went through the system, why wait? If the bachur did not go through the system, why wait? It's alright for a bachur to get married at 20. It's alright for a bachura to get married at 18-19. What about parnasa? What about going to university to learn a profession? The Rebbe taught us and determined what the seder is. First get married. Step 2 is to look for parnasa after you get married. Hashem will still provide. We are His children and He is our Father. This is the reality. Yala boys, yala girls, do your jobs. Why wait?
And if your mother was wrong, so you will go back to your learning :-) ??? Or all the other Inportent things you are doing and date when you are up to it.
Much Hatzlocha
and besides, u dont have to marry the first girl u meet!
like some1 else said b4- u'll get more confidence and it'll be easier to get to know a girl better b4 u "jump into it"!
and mom... does know best, but u know better! trust me, just follow ur instincts, open ur heart!
Hatzlacha Raba!!! ;)
what does it make a difference which sem u went to?
they are all the same!
go learn
But I am puzzled with the list you wrote that your mother told you in order to impress upon you the greatness of this girl…
…."She is frum, and tznius and dresses well." My mother went on about how she comes from a really good family, went to seminary in Tsfas and that we seem to have similar likes and personalities…
“Dresses well” “went to seminary in Tsfas” (a total Meshugas to list at all as it means NOTHING!) and that “she comes from a really good family” all BEFORE the fact that she has “similar likes and personalities”.
Gosh, what a set of Priorities.
It is brought down in pirkie avos, perek hey, mishne 25." Ben Shmone esrei l'chupa". An 18 year old goes to the marriage canopy. R' Akiva Eger says on this mishna, that it means a man should get married at the beg. of his 18th yr. But one should not do so before the age of 18, since the burden of supporting a wife will impede his opportunity for torah study.The only heter of not being able to get married is if he is learning torah, but stam for other things is not a reason to deter what the Mishna says.The mere fact that you are saying before marriage you want to do other things, you are WRONG. It is only for the growth of Torah that allows you to say you are not ready. The mere fact that you are saying you want to first do other things, does not show in any way that you are incapable of getting married at this time.
This is why the Rebbe said you should take a Mashpia.
Asking the whole world for advice is just going to confuse you even further, since everyone has different opinions.
Hatzlocho with your decision!
Grab the opportunity, and if you like her and she likes you, this could be the start of something great for you! It seems very Min HaShomayim! Hashem Yivorech!
Dont wait to look into a good shidduch idea.
If you wait, you dont know when/if something good will come along.
That you don't want to end up 30 and single, makes sense.
Both (above) Make Sense.
Therefore, Meet the girl, you've nothing to lose and if after meeting her (maybe a few times) you'll then decide whether this id the direction you wish to proceed or otherwise.
If you both wish to proceed, then by all means.
If not, you continue on to shlichus a wiser bochur, and closer to meeting you basharte one day.
Its only one date after all.
If you enjoy each other's company, then you will be happy you agreed to go out, and if you don't and dont want to conitnue, well, it was only one date ...
1. Marriage is not easy.
I promise you that even if you marry the best girl you can ever imagine, you and her will have many, many issues that you will need to sort out throughout your life. Every stage in life will have its own challenges.
Your first year of marriage will be challenging because you will both need to adjust to the "change".
The following years will be hard, because trust me, once you have children, your life will be changed forever. You may have been a head counselor, you may have babysat your nieces and nephews, but trust me, it is NOTHING like having your own child.
At the same time, marriage is a wonderful thing. It will make you take life more seriously, be less selfish, and move on.
If you choose to go the way of marriage, then follow the second point:
2. Focus on her PERSONALITY.
Statistics are nice: which seminary she went to, how she dresses, if she says Chitas, is a good cook etc..., but trust me these things are Hevel Havalim compared to what is going to be most important in your life: PERSONALITY. (and middos)
Find out the following: Is she loud? does she have anger issues? Does she have emotional problems? Is she lazy? Does she have an attitude? Is she a sharing person? Is she a caring person? Is she resentful?
You would be surprised how the girl whom all her friends refer to as "Pretty, fun, and nice" is actually "Not so pretty, dull and rude".
A girl with a loud mouth can make your life miserable. She will constantly be chatting with her family and friends about her married life, and will keep very little about your life private. There is NOTHING you can do to stop this, because if this is her personality, then being loud is her only medicine, and you can't take that away.
A girl with an attitude will be just as mean to her husband as she is to anyone else. Except that you will have to LIVE with it.
A girl who is selfish will only think about herself. She will make you take care of the kids all the time while she does her own stuff, she will not care about how hard you work, and will keep making demands, while all the time thinking that SHE is the one working hard.
A girl with ANY of the above mentioned attitudes will make your life bitter and miserable. You will have a lot of Agmas Nefesh and will really wish that you were never married.
Now, here is the scary part: You will likely NEVER know if a girl has these traits until after you have been married for sometime, because if there is one thing that women are good at, it is concealing their true behavior.
That said, there is only two things you can do:
a. Find out as much as you can about her
b. Pray, pray, pray.
Boruch Hashem there are girls out there who have good character, just daven that you marry one of them. (I am BH happily married to one of the wonderful ones!)
SHAME ON ALL THOSE PEOPLE!!
What about the girl who is dating for the purpose of finding her partner for life and she may fall for him, even with one date, which happens often, and be left broken-hearted? Or maybe not so drastically, she will at least have spent the time and effort to go out on the date, etc., and he is not even ready yet and not serious?
Why is there no sensitivity that these boys who are dating without serious intent are hurting our girls??
Is this what our lifestyle is today? Dating to see if you are ready to date? Seriously???
Do not do this to this girl and to all boys reading this, PLEASE STOP doing this. It is nasty, very secular and against all our values.
WE NEED MOSHIACH NOW!
finally someone that really gets it.
How come noone is worried about the girl?
A serious girl who is taking shidduchim seriously is going on a date with the idea that the other side is on the same page as her, namely that they are both ready for marriage.
A date is not a trial period to see it 'you are ready.'
That is so unfair to the girl.
if you are 25 and not ready... that's something to think about.
its not like your not wanting to get Married bec you you want to go out every night and party.
you want to go on shlichus, and do what the Rebba wants.
if your honestly not ready... don't waste the girls time. bec she obviously is ready.
He laughed at me and said, "don't worry, when you'll be ready you will know."
It gets to a point that being single doesn't make sense any more, you NEED to share you life with someone else, even if you haven't met her yet.
So you are for sure not ready. If you feel that there are more things to do first, do them, many can't be done later on.
You are not even 23.
Just don't let this drag on to 26/27...
When you feel in your heart that someone is missing in your life, that's when you are ready.
Your mom will just have to wait a little longer...
its one thing to not think about marriage at 23, like the writer of this article, but... 30 is a whole new ball game.
when are you going to wake up and realize that its time to get married and start a family?
don't push it off anymore, or it may be to late.
When you see what you have got, age wont even matter.
I am jealous of the situation you are in!! Don't let her leave your sight, until you at least meet her. (After you can decide if it is time for you to go back to your shlichus, or time for bigger better things!!Hatzlocha Rabah!!
If your parents think she is right for you. Listen to them!!! They know you best!!After all they brought you up for 22 yrs!!!
Talk to the people who know you best and explain to them how you feel and work it out with them...not here, it will only make you more confused.
for all you know, im a street begger or a weird girl behind the counter of a store whose opinion you never would have asked :) just sayin...
easy going is the way, go out and check yourself, if you are interested then continue, if not, you back out and don't hurt anybody
nobody feels hes totally ready, just make sure youre not "totally unready"...
much hatslocho
dear 22 year old,
if you think this is a good catch because of the above mentioned "qualities" you are totally not ready to get married. you do not see yourself as a human being with a personality that has good as well as flaws....
so you will not know the right one even when you see her...
may G-d bless you with true insight and self knowledge.
sincerely,
a fellow single young man
Don't waste the girls time, there are many 22/23 yo boys who are ready & would be thrilled to meet her.
"mazal tov may their home be an everlasting edifice on foundations of torah and mitzvos and their life blessed with happiness in all things"
A wife, mother grandmother sem teacher and shidduch coach