Jan 8, 2012
Am I Rushing to the Chuppah?

From the COLlive Inbox: A 22 year old Bochur writes, "Just last week, my mother called me for a 'serious conversation'. I was expecting that it might be the Shidduch talk, but I was not expecting what she actually said."

From the COLlive Inbox:

I am 22 year old bochur from a good family. OK, almost 23. I learned well through all my years in yeshiva, I was part of the head staff in camp, I did some interesting shlichus work in exotic countries, and I just got smicha. I am told that I am fun to be with, responsible and great with kids.

Just last week, my mother called me for a "serious conversation". I was expecting that it might be the Shidduch talk, but I was not expecting what she actually said - a shiduch offer!

She told me about this wonderful girl. She said something like: "She is frum, and tznius and dresses well." My mother went on about how she comes from a really good family, went to seminary in Tsfas and that we seem to have similar likes and personalities.

My mother already checked into her and she heard so many good things about her. That is why she really thinks that it is 'worth it' to try. And lastly: "You're 23 already and it is time to start." My parents really believe that 'she really might be the one for me.' My mother is more excited than I have seen her in a long time.

But, I don't feel that I am ready. I had plans to do Shlichus work for another few months with some friends. I so did not even start thinking about shiduchim and marriage. After all, I have a few more things I want to do before I get married. On the other hand, my mother knows what it is best for me and what I need in a wife (at least I think so). Maybe it is a good idea, maybe worth a try...

I have so many questions. I'm confused. I don't even know what to think. Should I grab this opportunity? I'm still so young, why should I rush into marriage? I am not ready for all that responsibility! I have never even spoke to a girl. I don't know anything about marriage - besides what the bochurim joke about, and my one brother's experiences. I spoke to my older brother and my mashpia. But their responses are just confusing me more, just random bits of advice that don’t make so much sense to me. I don't know what to do so I'm writing on COLLive to get input from the many married people out there. Thanks!

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Opinions and Comments
1
Yes, rush
Because before you know it, you'll be my 30 year old brother-in-law who still hasn't figured out what he wants.
(1/8/2012 11:22:40 PM)
2
crown heights resident
JUST GET MARRIED AND DO ALL YR PROJECTS TOGETHER !!!! THAT'S LIFE TO GROW TOGETHER MORE EXITING IN LIFE !!! LISTEN TO YR MOM YOU WILL BE HAPPY AND VERY HAPPY!!! ONLY MOM WHATS IS GOOD FOR HER KIDS SO GRAB THE LUCKY GIRL!!! GOOD LUCK
(1/8/2012 11:22:47 PM)
3
just my humble opinion
if you don't feel ready, give it some time. You might find that a few months down the road, or after a few of your friends get engaged, you'll be open to it. But going into something as serious as this as a forced partecipant is only going to create resentment. That's my 2 cents.
(1/8/2012 11:23:00 PM)
4
This will be fun
I hope you know you'll probably be more confused after reading all the comments here :-D

Some will say, people are turning 27 without a shiduch, you must jump at it now! Others will say, you'll never feel 100% ready but if you are considering the possiblity then you are ready enough. And yet others will use ALL CAPS to make their point why you must listen to them yada yada...

What I think everyone will agree is that if you do decide to go ahead with it, it must be with the understanding that you may get married for real. It cannot be a "test run" or to feel that "I may just call it off in middle claiming I realized I'm not ready.
(1/8/2012 11:23:36 PM)
5
Don't do it
You have your entire life to be married. Live your life a little and get to know yourself.
(1/8/2012 11:25:30 PM)
6
Not my son...I think!
If I didn't know better I would say this was MY son talking, except after all his protests he decided to go out with the girl I felt in my bones was perfect for him & wouldn't you know it? He got engaged!

Young man, at least think about what she has to say. I agree, you shouldn't get married to please Mom but we really do have our children's best interests at heart. Just remember, not all Shidduchim work out the first time. Don't be so quick to nix the idea, you may be passing up your bashert. THINK.

Mom, a word of advice. Don't push. Back off and wait for your son to come around to the idea of a shidduch. He will. In the end it's his life and his decision.
(1/8/2012 11:30:02 PM)
7
get out of the box
go to a marriage counselor this is what it's for. not when somebody has problems
(1/8/2012 11:30:08 PM)
8
just passed u by..
I was where u are now not more than a year ago. You write that you have spoken to ur mashpia, I must tell you in a very respectful manner that I don't believe u fully.
Don't get me wrong, I believe that you spoke with ur mashpia, what I don't believe is that you were as open and honest as you have to be. Marriage-as u write- is no small thing but u have to be ready to give all the truth and what u are really thinking out in the open to ur wife, and essentialy if u want to know how to find the right girl u have to be that honest with ur mashpia!
If u were that honest and u feel he can't help u my advice to u is to find another mashpia cause the one u are speaking with doesn't understand u well.

Hatzlacha rabba
(1/8/2012 11:30:47 PM)
9
go bochur go
get a life go for it!
(1/8/2012 11:31:16 PM)
10
pathetic
you spoke to your older brother and your mashpia, so why are you turning to anonymous ppl online?? "many married people" - just watch that exact girl be one of the many comments here.
(1/8/2012 11:34:54 PM)
11
FOR REAL??!!!
Boy, get a grip. Marriage isn't that scary and intimidating that you want to put it off. Youre just scared of the unknown thats all. You will still have a life and live, and do things that you want to do even after you are married- just with a slight adjustment.
Dont EVER EVER push off a good suggestion. Jump on it, jump right in. worse comes to worse you won't like her or she won't like you and you'll have just wasted a few hours of your time (but maybe gained practice in the dating scene and confidence in yourself) Best case scenario it will work out and then trust me you won't be thinking about doing just a few more things. You'll be so happy and thrilled to be getting married.
Dont over think this.
Agreeing to one date isn't a major life change. Its just a few hours of your life.
Go for it!!!!!
(1/8/2012 11:36:01 PM)
12
your mother knows....
mothers know what is THE BEST for their children ! trust your mom !!
(1/8/2012 11:45:36 PM)
13
hold off
when you want to get married very much..then you will be ready. right now....what's the rush?

do what you want now to broaden your horizons a bit...you're a good guy and good bochurim are always at a premium and always get good calls.....

if you don't feel you want that responsibility and it is a huge responsibility...dont do it...wait six months and then assess.

hazlacha...and when you are ready....let us know and we will all have good names for you.... lol

just one word of caution: don't wait too long, don't pass your prime and become an older bochur...your prospects will not be the same...six month however, is more than reasonable.
(1/8/2012 11:45:50 PM)
14
Ch resident
I personanlly believe that you don't push away a shidduch if it comes your way you never know when the right time is. Go out and see for yourself it might be the right one and it might not. Don't push it away bec you still have things to do you could still finish them, but if it's the right one you don't want to push it away, tou don't know what hashema plans are. Realax and give it a try. Good luck
(1/8/2012 11:52:30 PM)
15
married man
your almost 23 and you dont feel your ready?! no one feels they are ready....

no one says all of a sudden "okay, i need a wife lets get married"

you just jump into to it.

obviously with the evaluation of your parents and people with experience, who can tell you if your ready. but you as yourself you wont ever feel you are ready
(1/8/2012 11:54:56 PM)
16
Newly wed
hey im just married after learning in yeshiva my whole life then going on shlichus doing smicha and learning in 770 for a year. i feel my timing couldnt be more perfect i'm continuing to learn in collel with my same chavrusas as before and lifes great. i remember how i needed to be "pushed" into it a little i wasnt very interested i was enjoying being a bochur and i actually started dating befor i wanted to get married. it was only after i started going out with my wife and getting to know her did i feel like i wanted to get married. now im very happy to be where i am its eaiser to concentrate on learning then when i was getting all these shidduch prospects and most importantly its the ultimate purpose to finally get married and make a dira bitachtonim.
no one knows anything about marriage we all learn on the job but thats part of the beauty of it. if you want my advice GO FOR IT!
(1/9/2012 12:05:35 AM)
17
Advise
Don't start this parsha before you are psychologically ready to. You need to be fairly certain that this is the right time to start shidduchim. Discuss your feelings with both your parents, your mashpiah, and anyone you trust that he knows you well enough. Never rush before you feel really ready. It might be better for you to pursue your plans first. This will be a life decision, so take your time - if this is right for you it will happen . Too many bochurim rush into this all important decision and then falter, undecided what to do. It's not fair to you, or the prospective shidduch. Whatever you decide, may you have much mazal, and true happiness.
(1/9/2012 12:06:50 AM)
18
hey bochur
i think you should try it...whats the worst that will come out of it??
i agree with 11 and 15
(1/9/2012 12:15:09 AM)
19
Holy Crap!!
what os wrong with all you people?!?! if hes not ready hes not ready!!
if you all had your way, hed "jump" right into it, then wake up in 3 years with 2 kids thinking this is not what he signed up for.
relax, hes 23 not 35
(1/9/2012 12:17:59 AM)
20
Dear Bochur
It might really be worth it to evaluate your relationship with your mashpia. Firstly, it's wonderful that you have one, because a lot of bocherim don't and during dating it is ABSOLUTELY CRUCIAL.

In general, internet forums (especially ones such as this) are not the best channel to look to for advice. In an issue such as this, the answer needs to be very tailored to your specific situation. There is no one answer that can be given to fill every person's need.

Some people need to wait until they have gone through those other 'experiences', otherwise they will feel bitter about dating. Others should go out when a fantastic opportunity comes up, because you will never truly be 'ready'.

So my advice, as someone who went through the same thing, is to have fun reading these answers, and then either sit down with your mashpia and speak frankly with him, or try to find a mashpia who can really help you gain clarity in the issue.

And, re: number 12: yes, although mother's often know best, they are sometimes a tiny bit biased in this subject :-).

May you only have revealed good!
(1/9/2012 12:19:22 AM)
21
30 year old
I'm 30 and still a single guy...and am loving it. I have at least 10 friends who are in the same position, and none of us are looking for a shiduch, even though the entire neighborhood is constantly telling us they "know of someone" for us. We're all quite happy, although we appreciate their concern. Just saying...wait until you not only "feel ready" but truly want to be married.
(1/9/2012 12:20:58 AM)
22
Advice from a parent (i am a zaide)
When my bechor was 21 (almost but not yet 22) a shadchon gave me an offer for him and i knew it was a perfect match but he is not interested and i am not yet intrested (at that time). so I asked rabbi elimelech tzvibell from morristown NJ, his response was "DO TORST NISHT OPZOGEN"
you are not allowed to refuse.
the are B"H happily married.
and do not forget if it is a perfect match "SHEMO YEKADMENO ACHER" AND THEN YOU WILL HAVE TO SETTLLE FOR SECONDS.
(1/9/2012 12:23:56 AM)
23
My opinion
I just wanna give you this advise...ask your Mashpia and brother to clarify what they mean and do what you think is right...and don't rush cuz that may c"v end bad but on the other hand don't wait too long cuz as e/o said you'll get older(obv)...

All these comments are pretty much the same, but what I can say is that I agree with the getting married/going on a date one if it's good it's good otherwise it's just a few hrs of your time...

(1/9/2012 12:24:50 AM)
24
Perhaps
Perhaps if you get to meet her you will realise that you are in fact ready, and that she could be your ideal partner in life and also in your Shlichis work, if that is the direction you want to take.
Al tachmitzenoh!
(1/9/2012 12:25:51 AM)
25
another offer!
what's your name? you sound just like what i'm looking for. i'm even ready to wait a few months to go out with you!
(1/9/2012 12:30:48 AM)
26
ASK YOUR MASHPIA - Genius!
(1/9/2012 12:32:46 AM)
27
"the right age"
Only asking this bc I think it's relevant. What IS the right age for a boy? 21-22 and after Smicha??
(1/9/2012 12:33:44 AM)
28
the girl that was suggested for you
Please dont date me if you're not sure you're ready :/
(1/9/2012 12:37:11 AM)
29
Single Until 25... And Happy
I also started being pressured at 22, and I said clearly that I will not consider start dating until 24, and wont be married before 25.

My mother cried, and it didn't work. I finished my "projects" and started dating a day after I turned 24, and got married a year later, a week after I turned 25.

If you have something productive to do, do it, and then get married. No rush.
(1/9/2012 12:44:45 AM)
30
Advice
If you know you're not ready then definitely don't do it. You will feel pressured, and you may get yourself and others into a sticky situation.

If you're not sure then you should sit down with a pen and paper and plan your life. Ask yourself, what do I want to do before I get married? What do I need to do to be "ready" for marriage? etc.

Now, Since I made that sound so simple I'm going to confuse you with some other general stuff;

Bear in mind that you may never feel ready to get married (although you'll be more comfortable with the idea than you are now)

You may be missing a good prospect but you also have to make choices in life. If you're not ready then it's not for you. Just like you missed many "opportunities" since you were born.

You will get older and, within the current system, you won't get as many phone calls once you're considered "old". You may choose to worry about that or you can consider the fact that if you're a good decent guy then you'll have options when you're ready.




(1/9/2012 12:49:50 AM)
31
look for help s/w else
i truly belive that if you seek help Hashem might be the right address. you can truly ask Hashem to guide you if you are willing to really listen to HIM.
Good LUCK!
(1/9/2012 12:50:32 AM)
32
the Best Advice
Here it goes.
You find yourself in the perfect situation, on the one hand you feel like you are not ready , on the other your mother feels like she may have found your bashert. What is great about this situation is that you have reservations. if you go out with this girl and she makes your forget your reservations about getting married, well then you know she is the right one, if when you date her she confirms your feeling that your not ready, well then she is not the right one. the shidduch process can be very long sometimes, and there is nothing wrong with getting your feet wet a bit
(1/9/2012 12:53:21 AM)
33
pushin it off
Ur gona keep on pushing it off & off ull say hey I want 2 have a good time no commitments. Then ull b 26 turning 27 heading towards 29 then 31 u don't want 2 b 31 & single today 28 is not so bad its from 29 & up that its really late 2days day bachurim r hitting 29 & makin it by then after 29 it gets harder but its all in the hands of HKB"H he arranges Zivugim so there is nothin 2 worry abt do ur part daven learn with Hasmada & Shkida help some1 that needs help that's 1 way 2 go out of ur nature 2 do somthin extra & HKBH will give u ur Zivug. Only Simchas
(1/9/2012 12:54:33 AM)
34
Nachson ben Aminodov
I got married at 29 and I didn't feel anywhere near ready. The only reason I jumped into it is because I figured I would never be ready.

You say you'd rather do Shlichus for now. I think that the Rebbe would clearly suggest that shiduchim should be your main focus.

hurry up and get married before you mess yourself up.

Speaking from experience.
(1/9/2012 12:57:40 AM)
35
2 words
Igrois Koidash (assuming as you wrote you are still confused after speaking to your Mashpia)
(1/9/2012 1:02:50 AM)
36
agree with #11, #14, & #15
All very wise advice! but probably not a good idea to post on collive because you will be getting a lot of peoples advice which will make you more confused :x
Much hatzlacha!
ps.
(1/9/2012 1:07:26 AM)
37
tzfas?!?!?
Look into girls who went to msy yeru Sem n ull see well balanced girls in every area!
(1/9/2012 1:10:34 AM)
38
Anonym
Don't rush after u can regret
When u will be ready hashm will send u a sign
(1/9/2012 1:16:37 AM)
39
Speaking from experience
DO NOT RUSH INTO ANYTHING
TOO MANY DIVORCES HAPPEN BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE PRESSURED INTO MARRIAGE
(1/9/2012 1:25:51 AM)
40
One thing nobody said yet
Speak it over with you're mashpia. If you do't have a suitable person to talk to go speak to Shea Hecht of NCJFE.
(1/9/2012 1:51:09 AM)
41
what the Rebbe said
If you are indeed a Chasidishe bochur, you do what the Rebbe instructed:

You speak to a mashpia, asei lecho rav -- not write an oped to the world.
(1/9/2012 2:41:28 AM)
42
Slightly Different Perspective
I've read your column and 40 comments and not one person has mentioned the girl's perspective.
Your mother should NOT have taken names or looked into this girl (thereby stringing her mother and the girl along) BEFORE having the "Shidduch conversation" with you, as you have mentioned. This is completely unfair and improper. I have heard from many boy's mothers who will not take any names until their sons are ready and this is the way it should be.

Your beshert will be there when the time comes.
If you feel you are not ready to take on the commitment of marriage and children yet, do not date. Period.

If you start dating before you are ready, one of three things can happen:
1. It is possible you will meet her and suddenly realize you are ready. You will marry her and have a wonderful life together. Great! Hodu L'Hashem Ki Tov!! That is the ultimate beginning to a fabulous fulfilling life!!
2. You will meet her and see how wonderful she is and will decide that you should marry and many years from now, when life is being lived (and it is not always easy) you will look back and remind yourself that you were not ready....Regrets are not conducive to a healthy life.
3. Until you are truly ready, no matter how wonderful she, or any other girl you date, is, you will find fault, you will nit-pick and when you are finally ready, you will find yourself confused because of how many girls you have already met...There are over 100 bochurim like this around today who are over 25 and been out with many girls. Do you want to be one of them?
I am sure there are a few other scenarios, but these are the most common.

So, you really need to be SURE that you are not ready and that this isn't a case of just wanting to push off the inevitable. Because, fact is, just as you were raised to do the Rebbe's work, you also must have learned that a man's place in the world is to marry and have children. So, why "push off for tomorrow what can be done today"?

While you should not make this decision lightly, dig into yourself, figure out why you think you are not ready, and decide if these are valid fears, etc. or not.

May you and all the bochurim and girls who are looking for their zivugs, find their matches B'SHAOH TOVAH U"MUTZLACHAS!!!


(1/9/2012 2:48:21 AM)
43
Don't rush, you have time!
I don;t think you have to rush into it at 23 if you have things you want to accomplish. It's nice that people are saying that you can accomplish these things together but it's a lot harder when you have to rent a proper apartment, pay all of your bills for 2 people etc. What happens when there's a baby on the way? Realistically, all of your plans will have to go on hold.
I got married at 18 and my husband was 20, I don't regret it at all, we were ready for it and there were no doubts.
If you feel like there are certain things you would like to do before getting married go for it.
(1/9/2012 2:57:29 AM)
44
dear bochur
listen, u might think u r not ready, but the best way to find out what u really are is to go and try and date that lucky girl!!! and if u see ur really not ready than give it a few more months. but i think u should grab that oppertunity, before someone else grabs that girl. (and dont forget to invite us to ur vort;))
i wish u good luck in all u do!!!
concerned jew
(1/9/2012 3:46:41 AM)
45
to number 21
30+single /= Happy.

Therefore, you are either full of rubbish and not happy

Or

you're fooling around and shouldnt be giving advice to good Frum Bochurim!!

(oh and you should probably get married or just grow up....)
(1/9/2012 4:47:13 AM)
46
Courses
Check Out Adai Ad!

It will answer all your questions...
(1/9/2012 5:16:58 AM)
47
Fellow 22 year old Bochur
Some of you commenters say wait until you are fully ready, whatever that may mean...
some say jump right into it...

Why don’t any of you wise people look yourselves, or suggest this Bochur to look at what the Rebbe says about these matters?

This is just some of the points I found helpful to my own dealing with this issue, after talking over this inyan with my mashpia, and listening to his advise…
At the end of the day, you can speak to a mashpia or parent or get good advise from someone else, but after all is said and done, you might still have doubts about yourself, if you are ready yet, if it should disturb whatever you are involved in etc.

There are hundreds of letters printed in the Rebbes Igros Kodesh regarding these matters etc. letters to parents, to the bochur. to the girl etc,
Heichal Menachem lately printed a full Sefer with a collection of a lot of these letters,

Just to mention a few points from these letters that might shed some light onto the discussed issue:

First of all, you see many times the Rebbe expressing concern and dissatisfaction regarding the age that our Bochurim start dating, the Rebbe writes many times that he would like the bochurim to go on shiduchim at an earlier age than the accepted and popular age, the Rebbe writes to someone that 20 and the early 20’s is when the bochurim should start out seeking there bashert.

Secondly, you will find a number of letters addressed to Bochurim, (seemingly asking the Rebbe about your concern, or similar) where the Rebbe writes that, (unlike common belief as seen in some of the comments here…) ones learning should not at all compromise on his chiyuv to go out on shiduchim and find his bashert and make a diro betachtonim.
And when the Rebbe speaks about looking for a Shiduch, it doesn’t mean to sit back and relax waiting for the best offer to come up, the Rebbe writes “ kemechapes achar avaido!”

There are a lot more letters from the Rebbe about this inyan,
If we were 25 years back what would you have done?? Obviously write to the Rebbe.
Now unfortunately we cant do that anymore..
We should all research and look at what the Rebbe advised people in your situation, and in this inyan bichlal.

IY”H with the Rebbes advise and Broches everyone in need of a Shidduch should find his and her Bashert bekorov!
(1/9/2012 5:32:37 AM)
48
Golden wedding survivor
Marriage is one of the 613 Mitzvos and in fact it is one of the very first Mitzvos in the Torah. Tephilin is a daily duty. Does one delay this great Mitzvah until the late afternoon ? For raising a family, which is the sole purpose of marriage, the early years in life are the very best years, when one has vitality and patience. Go ahead and do not delay such an important and beautiful Mitzvah.
(1/9/2012 6:11:09 AM)
49
How will you support your family?
I hear you talk about all the things you've done and the things you still want to do. I hear no mention of your giving thought to how you will support your family. In my opinion - this makes you highly unready for marriage.
(1/9/2012 8:10:25 AM)
50
Rush to date, but not to marry
how about this compromise -
you aren't too young, marriage is a mitzvah, you're hesitation isn't an indication that you 'aren't ready'. it's more likely a 'fear of the unkown'. so why not go ahead, as you are suppose to al pi torah, and after a few dates, you will see if you are feeling rushed,.... or not. the final decision shouldn't be rushed or pressured. but for now... go for it.
(1/9/2012 8:12:53 AM)
51
is this healthy?
how is it that a healthy bochur in his twenties, no exposure to girls, does not feel an urge to get married? are bochurim spending too much time online and getting their needs fulfilled there?
how are these guys OK with it??? someone explain??
(1/9/2012 8:22:31 AM)
52
The Uncertainties of Life
Do not allow the uncertainties of life influence your decision making. It is ill logic and fallacious to say to one self why should I push of an "opportunity". Think of it this way, if your not settle/ready, then it really is not an opportunity. You will have plenty of years to be married and have full responsibilities I recommend you go out travel do another year of shlichus meet community members, build relationships with people and when you feel it , you will know it. The very idea you displayed your confusion in an open forum leads me to believe this is really not the time for you to get involve. Kindly and respectfully tell your parents that there are other life goals you would like to accomplish before beginning the next chapter of your life. There are still some pages to read.

Good Luck
(1/9/2012 8:22:34 AM)
53
TRUTH
You will never be ready, just do it.
(1/9/2012 8:32:54 AM)
54
Why wait?
B"H
A bachur's mind set should be to make a Jewish, Chassidishe, Lubavitcher home as soon as possible. There is seder in Lubavitch. If the bachur went through the system, why wait? If the bachur did not go through the system, why wait? It's alright for a bachur to get married at 20. It's alright for a bachura to get married at 18-19. What about parnasa? What about going to university to learn a profession? The Rebbe taught us and determined what the seder is. First get married. Step 2 is to look for parnasa after you get married. Hashem will still provide. We are His children and He is our Father. This is the reality. Yala boys, yala girls, do your jobs. Why wait?
(1/9/2012 8:39:45 AM)
55
Adai ad courses
I agree with the comment above to check out the adai ad courses. They have them a few times a year and it's meant to discuss these types of questions with the help of professionals.
(1/9/2012 9:17:18 AM)
56
Not sure you are ready
you seem to be very confused at this point in your life, better to work out your issues before dating anyone.
(1/9/2012 9:48:51 AM)
57
Don't wait
I don't know who wrote this ortical if anyone but for those that may have this delema in there life I say, this may just be the one, and if it is you will be the happiest man on the face of this earth not to mentshen also making your basherta the luckiest and happiest girl on earth, if you won't get her someone els may :-( .
And if your mother was wrong, so you will go back to your learning :-) ??? Or all the other Inportent things you are doing and date when you are up to it.

Much Hatzlocha
(1/9/2012 9:49:40 AM)
58
give it a try!
I totally agree with #16- the newly wed. I got married myself 2 years ago- and the secret is that u'll learn how to live with each other and build ur home TOGETHER!- that is the point in marriage. cuz ur not gonna date a girl till u'll know her "very well", it'll all come inside the marriage- ur gonna fulfill each other once ur together.

and besides, u dont have to marry the first girl u meet!
like some1 else said b4- u'll get more confidence and it'll be easier to get to know a girl better b4 u "jump into it"!

and mom... does know best, but u know better! trust me, just follow ur instincts, open ur heart!

Hatzlacha Raba!!! ;)
(1/9/2012 9:56:16 AM)
59
happily married woman for 10 years
I was also very unsure of myself when my mother insisted that I begin dating. But thank g-d I listened to her, because the second guy I dated turned out to be my amazing husband. I dont know where both of us would be today if I had turned him down back then...
(1/9/2012 10:26:22 AM)
60
Puzzled
Could you please explain to me the non-Jewish word "DATE" ?
(1/9/2012 10:54:27 AM)
61
ATTENTION COMMENT 37 AND THOSE WHO THINK ITS CUTE
"Balance" is the biggest yetzer hora and meshugas...
what does it make a difference which sem u went to?
they are all the same!
go learn
(1/9/2012 10:57:10 AM)
62
# 29 "I decided when..."
Deciding the age you will get married can be like deciding exactly when you will have a child. People think they can decide exactly when and wait until the "right time" and many to realize it doesn't work that way. You may be lucky in both these cases however you may also date and not find a marriage partner exactly when you want.
(1/9/2012 10:58:51 AM)
63
Priorities?
I am no expert in the matter, so I will not weigh in at all to the question you ask.

But I am puzzled with the list you wrote that your mother told you in order to impress upon you the greatness of this girl…

…."She is frum, and tznius and dresses well." My mother went on about how she comes from a really good family, went to seminary in Tsfas and that we seem to have similar likes and personalities…

“Dresses well” “went to seminary in Tsfas” (a total Meshugas to list at all as it means NOTHING!) and that “she comes from a really good family” all BEFORE the fact that she has “similar likes and personalities”.

Gosh, what a set of Priorities.
(1/9/2012 11:13:37 AM)
64
Trying to be helpful


It is brought down in pirkie avos, perek hey, mishne 25." Ben Shmone esrei l'chupa". An 18 year old goes to the marriage canopy. R' Akiva Eger says on this mishna, that it means a man should get married at the beg. of his 18th yr. But one should not do so before the age of 18, since the burden of supporting a wife will impede his opportunity for torah study.The only heter of not being able to get married is if he is learning torah, but stam for other things is not a reason to deter what the Mishna says.The mere fact that you are saying before marriage you want to do other things, you are WRONG. It is only for the growth of Torah that allows you to say you are not ready. The mere fact that you are saying you want to first do other things, does not show in any way that you are incapable of getting married at this time.
(1/9/2012 11:18:26 AM)
65
Go for it!
men darf chapin dem eizen ven es iz heis"
(1/9/2012 11:20:28 AM)
66
hmmm
at the time of me posting this comment, there are already 65 "pieces of advice".
This is why the Rebbe said you should take a Mashpia.
Asking the whole world for advice is just going to confuse you even further, since everyone has different opinions.
(1/9/2012 11:40:19 AM)
67
looking for guidance?
Go to Rabbi Shea Hecht .I personally know bochurim and girls he has expertly been the gutta shliach to help!
Hatzlocho with your decision!
(1/9/2012 11:50:28 AM)
68
Grab it!
BS’’D
Grab the opportunity, and if you like her and she likes you, this could be the start of something great for you! It seems very Min HaShomayim! Hashem Yivorech!
(1/9/2012 12:23:56 PM)
69
adai ad
They are making a men's course now thats due to begin next week if you want to join or find out details email 4adaiad@gmail.com
(1/9/2012 12:32:53 PM)
70
get a grip
I hope the nice innocent girl from Tzfas seminary that your mother looked into is not my daughter. I want someone for her who is more sure of himself and really wants to get married.
(1/9/2012 12:34:13 PM)
71
agree with all those that say go ahead with it
Nowadays, finding a good shidduch is extremely hard.
Dont wait to look into a good shidduch idea.
If you wait, you dont know when/if something good will come along.
(1/9/2012 12:45:08 PM)
72
give yourself another year
give your self some time to do those things you want to do for yourself. take the time to learn about girls and marriage from people you respect. educate yourself! this time is priceless you never get it back. don't rush into marriage if you don't feel ready. 24 is a good age to get married in my opinion.
(1/9/2012 12:51:21 PM)
73
Both Make Sense......
That you want to wait because you don't think you're ready, makes sense.
That you don't want to end up 30 and single, makes sense.
Both (above) Make Sense.

Therefore, Meet the girl, you've nothing to lose and if after meeting her (maybe a few times) you'll then decide whether this id the direction you wish to proceed or otherwise.
If you both wish to proceed, then by all means.
If not, you continue on to shlichus a wiser bochur, and closer to meeting you basharte one day.
(1/9/2012 12:56:05 PM)
74
so ready!
bochur, bochur, you are so ready to date and meet girls, if you truly are not ready, and not interested (even if mama says) you would never have posted your question, it would be a non issue. disagree with # 52 . this girl, dating and all is already niggling in your mind.
(1/9/2012 1:06:51 PM)
75
Are you allowed to push it of?
It's the boys job to look for shidduch. Read eternal joy volume 1. On the other hand keep in mind, it has to be your decision. Not your parents (although keep in mind they do know whats best for you). It's not fair to the girl if you go out "Just because your Mommy made you." Girls are emotional and its hard to date someone who doesn't care.
(1/9/2012 1:09:41 PM)
76
I dont get it...
What is the author so worried about?
Its only one date after all.
If you enjoy each other's company, then you will be happy you agreed to go out, and if you don't and dont want to conitnue, well, it was only one date ...
(1/9/2012 1:16:46 PM)
77
As 50 said
"Rush to date, BUT NOT TO MARRY." Very well said. You may never feel ready. Date. BUT PLEASE, make ur final decision SLOWLY!! Too many sad endings to what can be a beautiful life!! Make sure she is really what you want AND make sure your view of marriage is healthy. As well as read what the Rebbe says about this matter. He will give you the best advice out there! Good Luck and stay strong in your yiddishkeit and Chassidshkeit! Thanx for being one of the many good lubavitchers out there!! LK
(1/9/2012 1:19:37 PM)
78
It's never too soon
to get into a happy marriage. It's never too late to get into an unhappy marriage.
(1/9/2012 1:22:52 PM)
79
...
AUSTRALIA IS THE BEST SEMMMMMMMMMMMM
(1/9/2012 1:45:08 PM)
80
which tsfas?
so is she a "Chitrik girl"?
(1/9/2012 1:56:10 PM)
81
A mother
I'm a mother who is looking for a shidduch for her daughter and I believe that you should wait a few more months. You sounds like you are not ready and if you don't feel ready your marriage life would be a disaster. Listen to your heart!!!
(1/9/2012 2:15:01 PM)
82
Advice
You have requested advice, and with all due respect, I believe you should follow these pointers:

1. Marriage is not easy.

I promise you that even if you marry the best girl you can ever imagine, you and her will have many, many issues that you will need to sort out throughout your life. Every stage in life will have its own challenges.

Your first year of marriage will be challenging because you will both need to adjust to the "change".

The following years will be hard, because trust me, once you have children, your life will be changed forever. You may have been a head counselor, you may have babysat your nieces and nephews, but trust me, it is NOTHING like having your own child.

At the same time, marriage is a wonderful thing. It will make you take life more seriously, be less selfish, and move on.

If you choose to go the way of marriage, then follow the second point:

2. Focus on her PERSONALITY.

Statistics are nice: which seminary she went to, how she dresses, if she says Chitas, is a good cook etc..., but trust me these things are Hevel Havalim compared to what is going to be most important in your life: PERSONALITY. (and middos)

Find out the following: Is she loud? does she have anger issues? Does she have emotional problems? Is she lazy? Does she have an attitude? Is she a sharing person? Is she a caring person? Is she resentful?

You would be surprised how the girl whom all her friends refer to as "Pretty, fun, and nice" is actually "Not so pretty, dull and rude".

A girl with a loud mouth can make your life miserable. She will constantly be chatting with her family and friends about her married life, and will keep very little about your life private. There is NOTHING you can do to stop this, because if this is her personality, then being loud is her only medicine, and you can't take that away.

A girl with an attitude will be just as mean to her husband as she is to anyone else. Except that you will have to LIVE with it.

A girl who is selfish will only think about herself. She will make you take care of the kids all the time while she does her own stuff, she will not care about how hard you work, and will keep making demands, while all the time thinking that SHE is the one working hard.

A girl with ANY of the above mentioned attitudes will make your life bitter and miserable. You will have a lot of Agmas Nefesh and will really wish that you were never married.

Now, here is the scary part: You will likely NEVER know if a girl has these traits until after you have been married for sometime, because if there is one thing that women are good at, it is concealing their true behavior.

That said, there is only two things you can do:

a. Find out as much as you can about her
b. Pray, pray, pray.

Boruch Hashem there are girls out there who have good character, just daven that you marry one of them. (I am BH happily married to one of the wonderful ones!)
(1/9/2012 2:17:00 PM)
83
What about the girl?
So many comments have suggested going out and seeing what comes...
SHAME ON ALL THOSE PEOPLE!!
What about the girl who is dating for the purpose of finding her partner for life and she may fall for him, even with one date, which happens often, and be left broken-hearted? Or maybe not so drastically, she will at least have spent the time and effort to go out on the date, etc., and he is not even ready yet and not serious?
Why is there no sensitivity that these boys who are dating without serious intent are hurting our girls??
Is this what our lifestyle is today? Dating to see if you are ready to date? Seriously???
Do not do this to this girl and to all boys reading this, PLEASE STOP doing this. It is nasty, very secular and against all our values.
WE NEED MOSHIACH NOW!
(1/9/2012 2:20:04 PM)
84
Finally... 83!!!
Totally agree with 83.
finally someone that really gets it.
How come noone is worried about the girl?
A serious girl who is taking shidduchim seriously is going on a date with the idea that the other side is on the same page as her, namely that they are both ready for marriage.
A date is not a trial period to see it 'you are ready.'
That is so unfair to the girl.
(1/9/2012 2:53:00 PM)
85
go for it
the earlier, the easier
(1/9/2012 3:47:10 PM)
86
Single and Happy
No rush. Once ur married its a completely diffrent chill from what they say. Go out have fun enjoy while you can!!
(1/9/2012 4:05:38 PM)
87
Psycologist
Talk to a good therapist. Tell him about yourself and your life story and experiences. You'll be surprised how much you don't know about yourself. After just a few sessions, you will have a better understanding of yourself, and what king of wife is right for you. AND what red flags to look out for in a female. Another Important Point: you will know if you have any buried emotions that you need to work out before you get married. (I can tell you from experience that it is smarter, cheaper, and easier, to do so BEFORE you get married).
(1/9/2012 4:47:03 PM)
88
I dont really understand.
I think you should ask your mashpia. Please don't take it offensively I understand your point but you cant expect COL to post all ur questions!!
(1/9/2012 5:26:34 PM)
89
your sitll younge
if your 23, you still are young.
if you are 25 and not ready... that's something to think about.
its not like your not wanting to get Married bec you you want to go out every night and party.
you want to go on shlichus, and do what the Rebba wants.
if your honestly not ready... don't waste the girls time. bec she obviously is ready.

(1/9/2012 5:37:03 PM)
90
to 7
its called marriage counseling for a reason!! its for married couples....
(1/9/2012 6:35:46 PM)
91
???
are you really going to base your decision on these comments?
(1/9/2012 6:54:24 PM)
92
My say
When I was 17.5 I asked a bocher who was engaggaed. How do you know you are ready to get married?

He laughed at me and said, "don't worry, when you'll be ready you will know."

It gets to a point that being single doesn't make sense any more, you NEED to share you life with someone else, even if you haven't met her yet.

So you are for sure not ready. If you feel that there are more things to do first, do them, many can't be done later on.

You are not even 23.

Just don't let this drag on to 26/27...

When you feel in your heart that someone is missing in your life, that's when you are ready.

Your mom will just have to wait a little longer...
(1/9/2012 7:16:39 PM)
93
:) COMONNN
GO GET MARRIED AND GET A LIFE
(1/9/2012 8:43:41 PM)
94
for number 21
i hate to burst your bubble but... if you are 30, and not even thinking about marriage... you need a reality check.
its one thing to not think about marriage at 23, like the writer of this article, but... 30 is a whole new ball game.
when are you going to wake up and realize that its time to get married and start a family?
don't push it off anymore, or it may be to late.



(1/9/2012 9:20:07 PM)
95
Great catch
You are lucky to have such a great offer. Now a days you don't find normal girls anymore. With all the exposure in the world we are in now, it is hard to find a FRUM girl that is open-minded. You also mention she has similar likings an interests. Are you listening to yourself????You might be getting a GEM-one in a million! Grab it while you've got a chance!You don't want to regret it. Although you might think there are plenty girls out there, there are only a handful of normal ones.
When you see what you have got, age wont even matter.
I am jealous of the situation you are in!! Don't let her leave your sight, until you at least meet her. (After you can decide if it is time for you to go back to your shlichus, or time for bigger better things!!Hatzlocha Rabah!!

If your parents think she is right for you. Listen to them!!! They know you best!!After all they brought you up for 22 yrs!!!
(1/9/2012 10:06:51 PM)
96
a community blog?
You dont know if you should get married so you are asking on a community blog peoples opinions that do not even know you!
Talk to the people who know you best and explain to them how you feel and work it out with them...not here, it will only make you more confused.
for all you know, im a street begger or a weird girl behind the counter of a store whose opinion you never would have asked :) just sayin...
(1/9/2012 10:12:36 PM)
97
go for it..
dont let a good oppertunity go past, uyou might regret it later..
(1/9/2012 10:53:37 PM)
98
dont rush
i would say dont rush into it, if you feel like you arent ready and have other things you still want to do with your life, you may end up resenting your wife (chos v'shalom) if you feel like you never got to do the things you wanted to do.
(1/9/2012 11:02:32 PM)
99
Duty not plesure
Marrage is a Duty. You are not realy in charge. Hashem droped this one on your lap. Go out or miss out on your barshert. Mailech tzveble had it right. Its always ezer to not do your Duty. Hope your moma knows what she's talking about. What does your Father say? Hatslocha.
(1/9/2012 11:57:49 PM)
100
all this advice!!!
he sure asked for it!!
(1/10/2012 12:05:31 AM)
101
for the sake of your wife
do not rush, it will only hurt your marriage
(1/10/2012 1:08:16 AM)
102
the rebbes opinion
its a known thing that the rebbes opinion in general was for people to get married very young (there's a famous answer to a 23 year old who asked the rebbe if he should get married "ben shmono esre lechupa and your allready 23"
(1/10/2012 9:55:28 AM)
103
dont rush into anything
meet the girl. just take your time deciding if you want to spend the rest of your life with her. marriage is not a joke dont allow anyone to push you if you are not ready, saying that you may meet the girl and realize that you do want to get married to her, the rebber said date for as long as you need to..good luck
(1/10/2012 11:57:11 AM)
104
Pray and go
Pray to god and move forward. There is no other way. we either sink or swim.
(1/10/2012 3:24:51 PM)
105
When You are ready
If you feel you're not ready, don't rush, just go with the flow
(1/10/2012 4:45:30 PM)
106
wait a minute....
dont wait one second please go out with her now!!! please write a new oped on ur decision
(1/10/2012 7:30:58 PM)
107
Go out
Go out with her, but remember her feelings, don't string her on if your not interested.
(1/10/2012 9:08:57 PM)
108
comment # 93
takes the cake
(1/10/2012 11:10:45 PM)
109
Take it easy!
take it easy, everything is hashgoche protis! Hashem controls your life and will make you go on the right way He wants!
(1/12/2012 7:13:43 PM)
110
easy going but with conciseness
don't rush but don't let it go to!!!!!!!
easy going is the way, go out and check yourself, if you are interested then continue, if not, you back out and don't hurt anybody
nobody feels hes totally ready, just make sure youre not "totally unready"...
much hatslocho
(1/13/2012 10:45:42 AM)
111
the right one?
how does going to tzfat, dressing tznius and "well" classify or tell you anything about a PERSON??????

dear 22 year old,
if you think this is a good catch because of the above mentioned "qualities" you are totally not ready to get married. you do not see yourself as a human being with a personality that has good as well as flaws....
so you will not know the right one even when you see her...

may G-d bless you with true insight and self knowledge.

sincerely,
a fellow single young man
(1/13/2012 3:45:03 PM)
112
Why no mention of the Shulchan Aruch?
Is wanting to check off items on a bucket list a good enough reason to push off marriage according to the Shulchan Aruch? None of the commenters seem to have brought up that there are halachic aspects to this question, yiras shomayim and chassidish aspects as well. Do we no longer look to the Torah as the guide for life, and for the best decisions in life even begashmius?
(1/15/2012 6:34:53 PM)
113
wait
And then when you're ready you can have the shadchan order A custom-shidduch from Intel
(1/15/2012 8:50:51 PM)
114
Sounds like a great girl!
I'm sure she'll make someone a great wife. It's hard to find good chassidish girl without 200 Facebook friends & a skirt below her knee.
Don't waste the girls time, there are many 22/23 yo boys who are ready & would be thrilled to meet her.
(1/17/2012 4:00:21 AM)
115
make sure your ready!
better be %100 sure you are ready. once you start dating you should not stop. if you stop you risk the chance of people who may be interested passing you up after being told your "busy" only to never check back later.
(1/23/2012 7:26:06 PM)
116
agree with number 42
I agree with number 42 I think whoever wrote it is brilliant and down to earth. I believe when I was ready the right person came up and we got married. Before that the dating didn't work out or right pple came up. Theres a certain confidance and trust in myself that comes with me making my own decisions in life and not anyone else. If my mother is pushing me into a position Im not comfortable yet thats not healthy for me. (thats her problem for doing that and not mine and Im not responsible for her hurtful or fearful feelings in that regard) I am only responsible for myself. Its none of my buisness if shes pushing me thats her initiative and her problem even if it looks like in my best interest. I will be resentful later on. And no one else knows whats best for me but myself. I feel like running into a position that I clearly know Im not comfortable with will only mess me up further. I need to honor my own opinion first. My mother does not know whats best for me and has no power over me to convince me unless I let her. I feel you should truly honor your discomfort u dont need to justify it with any reason now. And you have the right to say no without feeling guilty. And if its meant to be it will come up later. My husband's name came up for me 3 months before he was ready and I waited and he was on shlichus and at end of year we went out and got engaged three weeks later. And we both speak about it when we both really felt ready thats when it worked. Even prior before being told about the name. Its a decision everyone needs to feel on their own and no one can make them feel it. The responsibility of marriage is big and kids and family life its not necessarily always - a walk in the park and it needs to be treated with that respect...I need to feel ready to be committed fully to be there for myself and spouse and kids. And yes as you said you want to do a couple of stuff first then do it. Whats holding you back? If its meant to be it will come up again... G-d is incharge and is infinite and works in infinite ways. Hes not limited to just this one offer and just now if He can bring this up now then he can bring it up when you feel ready u don not need to justify your plans or fears - just because you feel uncomfortable and are aware of your feelings is amazing and respect yourself and you will continue to have clarity. Otherwise you will confused if you push yourself away. This is about you - this is ur life- not your mashpias or mothers or brothers be strong. Those that respect themselves other pple respect them. In fact if this person is meant to be and knows that you said no because you dont feel ready yet she will respect you even more. Because you are respecting yourself and not being a pushover that pple can step on. Be a man. Respect yourself and things will work out. Dont push yourself to do what your not comfortable with. You want to be able to respect your wife properly you must respect your feelings first or ur not capable of having a honest relationship...Hatzlacha!
(2/3/2012 12:23:44 AM)
117
don't rush!
you don't want to rush into it and it won't work but by then you'll feel obligated to stay in the relationship. maybe talk with her directly but don't feel that you have to. you dont want to be awkward with eachother you want a relationship that flows. also even if you guys do work out that doesn't mean you have to rush things with her into marriage and things that come along with marriage you can take it at the pace you're ready for and if you're really meant for each other it will all work out.! HATZLACHA
(2/4/2012 11:29:33 PM)
118
ba"h
go the torah way
"mazal tov may their home be an everlasting edifice on foundations of torah and mitzvos and their life blessed with happiness in all things"
(2/19/2012 10:41:03 PM)
119
THE SYSTEM?
There is a shortcoming with "the system" if it can nurture a bochur who "learned well through all [his] years in yeshiva, ... was part of the head staff in camp, ... did some interesting shlichus work in exotic countries, and ... just got smicha" but who can say about himself, "I don't know anything about marriage - besides what the bochurim joke about, and my one brother's experiences." Shouldn't the training of a RABBI (someone is supposed to guide others!), who represented the Rebbe in exotic countries, and is a serious student of classical Jewish texts have included some insight about marriage? Why does preparation for / hashkafa about marriage need to be dropped on young adults like a bombshell, rather than being integrated into the educational system and the rhythm of intellectual, spiritual, and psychological development? Shouldn't spiritually mature guidance from faculty in how to engage these classical Jewish texts and in how to grow from shlichus experiences lead to an awareness of the big issues in life, including marriage?
(4/4/2012 10:36:23 PM)
120
totally agree with the need to improve the system
there has to be kosher way for yeshivas to deal with the above issues based on Torah and chassidische texts.(I study these issues with my seminary students and know that most girls go deeply into the topics of Bayis Yehudi). When boys are reminded that marriage is a mitzvah, when they define their priorities and the order in which they want to actualise them, when they learn about fears and preconceptions that creep in from all over, when they learn how crucial marriage is for them and for Yiddishkeit,THEN we have educated them to be good Chassidische husbands and fathers.May we see our youngsters bringing joy into their lives. their families' lives and into Am Yisroel's lives.
A wife, mother grandmother sem teacher and shidduch coach
(4/10/2012 8:45:06 AM)
121
#144 EXCUSE ME?!
i agree there are, unfortunatly, many girls out there going a little but down hill with some halachois, but that does NOT give you the right to say it is hard to find a good girl! i dont know where you live, but where im from there are many GREAT girls ready to get married! i think it is really disrespectful of you to make generalizations like that , and maybe next time LOOK DEEPER and not at the flashy girls!
(6/27/2012 8:29:59 PM)
122
THERE IS A PRICE FOR EVERYTHING!
This is probably the best deal you will ever get. All the shidduch work is done for you. You can wait, but the older you get, the more complicated and difficult shidduch gets to be. You will be another statistic in the shidduch crisis. Take your pick. Do you want it easier or harder on yourself?
(2/26/2013 11:29:24 AM)
123
dont rush
you have your entire life to be married, dont rush into something you are not ready for, when the time is right you will know, you are only 22years old,
(7/21/2013 1:38:41 PM)
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