Nov 16, 2011
Do's and Don'ts of Shaddchanim

Parshas Chayei Sarah: Rabbi Nachman Wilhelm of OnlineSmicha.com reviews the do's and don'ts of shidduch making according to Gemara and commentaries.

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1
Loshon Hora
How about DONT TALK about the people you have tried to help to others!?!

I know of so many 'shadchanim/casual matchmakers' that then go and badmouth or just randomly gossip about the girls or boys they have tried to help. They tell their stories, their judgements and opinions etc. and its wrong and can ruin the person!!!

and they think we dont know....

if you cant keep your mouth shut - dont get involved!!
(11/16/2011 8:35:31 PM)
2
Important.
I think one of the most important thing a shadchan should remember DONT LIE.
(11/17/2011 3:58:23 AM)
3
Don't think a shadchan is G-d
Hashem is the ultimate shadchan I know its hard to remember that when u hear from the shadchan that its not for u or the mother said its not for my son, I heard great things about your daughter or son but its not for us...... These r all excuses we think, but really Hashem is telling us, and guiding us tin the right direction to find the right one I""h vey soon for all!!!
(11/17/2011 11:29:58 AM)
4
U r so right #3
The things one goes through can only be orchestrated by G-d don't think its in your hands, or in your kids hands, and don't despair even if things seem to not be working out.
(11/17/2011 10:21:52 PM)
5
to 1 Hashem is running the show.
true. But ultimately we remember that it's Hashem who is running the show, nothing a person can say or not say have an effect on your shidduch or even the quality of your shidduch. Just believe that it's Hashem and only him through & through.
(12/7/2011 7:18:01 PM)
6
plea to shadchanim
my experiences with them have been HORRIBLE. they are insensitive to individuals, 'assembly line' mentality, fast talking. extremely discouraging. have spoken to several of them. they should all take a big lesson in chesed and gemilut chasadim tovim. take people as individuals. people looking to get married are nervous, vulnerable and want to (hopefully) do the right thing. the shadchan has an important opportunity and task to treat EACH person with kindness. my experiences were feeling very judged, categorized and absolutely no sense of appreciation for me as an individual person.
(12/29/2011 10:40:16 PM)
7
please help single people!!!!
it seems that the best marriages are where the family or friends bring the people together. i think shadchanim have an essential responsibility to the jewish people to act with kindness. never, ever underestimate the power and importance of a warm smile, kind word, encouragement... otherwise, shadchanim create an atmosphere of stress, tension, hurriedness and judgment which just is not healthy for anyone, including the shadchan. example: i was at a meeting with several of them. only one appeared to have some kind of warmth and menshlekeit..so i went to talk to her. i confided that my shabbat observance was not yet complete, but i was working on it. she shot back at me: what about your relationship with Hashem!!??? i felt horribly judged, belittled and criticized. and this was the one who appeared the most warm out of the group??!!!
will chabad and other groups please have special articles, mailings, conferences, whatever it takes to put some chesed and warmth into this? i am sorry to say that the cold assembly line quality is not only disgusting..it is not judaism!!! it's understandable that shadchanim have to deal with large numbers of people and need to categorize in their own way to be more effective. but that mustn't change how they deal with individuals. last point: a shadchan should look at his or her job like a hassidic rebbe in the best sense of the word: drawing people closer to Hashem and yiddishkeit. and never, ever G-d forbid, doing the opposite. shadchanim: take a lesson, PLEASE!!!!!!!
(12/29/2011 10:59:02 PM)
8
re the video you posted
okay, it's fine to look at the details from one respected rav's perspective...but where is the menshlekeit here? where is the instruction to shadchanim about how to treat people with kindness? these are the kinds of videos we need. videos from shadchanim who "get it" ..who can transmit the example of how to treat people as individuals, with warmth and kindness. what an amazing and important opportunity for chesed these people have!!
don't waste or misuse, G-d forbid, this awesome, truly awesome responsibility. the little extra time and effort it takes for a warm smile, an encouraging word,...a moment, just one moment people!!! to stop, take deep breath and acknowledge the person you are dealing with as an i-n-d-v-d-u-a-l.... hel-looooo??? don't you see what a ripple affect this can have? if the person feels acknowledged and is treated warmly and well, guess what? this will hopefully spread to the other people they meet= more ahavat yisrael!!! and the opposite?? i don't want to think about it..i have experienced it and it is terrible. may Hashem enlighten all of us in this regard.
(12/29/2011 11:04:35 PM)
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