Mar 29, 2011
Kallah Gift - Keep or Return?

Modern Day Etiquette for the Frum World: My daughter's in-laws-to-be have given her a necklace that she does not like.

N'shei Chabad Newsletter

Dear Ettie,

My daughter has become a kallah, baruch Hashem.
Her in-laws-to-be have given her a necklace as an engagement present. My daughter does not like the necklace and claims she will not wear it. How do I tactfully mention this to her future mother-in-law and suggest that my daughter choose a necklace she likes?

A Mother Trying to Keep the Peace!

* * *

Dear Mom,

Unfortunately, there is no way to tactfully tell the machateneste that your daughter doesn’t like her gift. However, you do have a few months left to make sure your daughter leaves your home a mentsch.

Rulenumber 124 of mentschlichkeit: When we receive a present, we say thank you. With a big smile. And wemake sure to wear that gift in front of the person(s) who gave it to us.

If your daughter wants a necklace that is her style, she may go out and buy one with her money. A gift is a representation of the affection of the giver, not the receiver.

Happy wedding planning!


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Opinions and Comments
1
I know just how the giver feels
I am a mother-in-law of very modest means, who sent an 18 ct gold necklace to a future out of town daughter-in-law. Her chosan was very happy to be able to give his kalla this gift, which was a real financial sacrifice for me to buy.She took one look, said, I dont like it, and returned the necklace to the crestfllen chosan.
Wished I had had the moral strength to say "nisht far dir, my son" there and then. She carried on in that way and a year after the wedding they split up, as nothing whatsoever was good enough for this uneducated mannerless girl.
(4/6/2011 8:07:20 AM)
2
To 1
Just for the future...
(if you have more children to marry off)...
Don't you think it more practical and sensible to have the girl choose her own gift? Why would you want to spend money on something that the receiver does not like?
And if you want to feel part of the process, why don't you have her choose a few pieces (obviously what is within your budget) and then choose the final piece as a surprise.
I'm not saying this girl wasn't nasty- but her nastiness isn't proven by her taste deviating from her a woman who is probably at least 20 years older than herself.

In short- for the sake of the money you are spending and to avoid putting your future daughter-in laws in awkward situations...just give her what she wants.

Is there anything wrong with someone loving the gifts they receive?

(I did the same thing for my chosson btw- he did not want a watch as everyone is "supposed" to get and so we got him what he did want. Everyone was telling me "tell him too bad, he gets a watch",
Does that make any sense at all?
(4/28/2011 6:52:55 PM)
3
dear world
My dear friends I am B"H happily mareid with a nice family and if i will buy somthing for my wife i will make sure that she likes it first!!!!!!!!!! so to all you mother in laws to be or new Chasanim why would you buy somthing without taking her to buy it with you or letting her choose first.(you can simply tell the shop how much you are willing to spend and she can work it out from there. I see no problem with telling the Choson (who made a mistake) or the Mother in law to be (who made a mistake) that the truth is that she would like something different. You can get a third party to nicely give over the message Mazel tov many happy years
(5/9/2011 8:15:28 AM)
4
anonymous
when i was engaged i was given a choice of a few pieces, and told if I did not like any of them then I could go and choose more. I chose from one of the ones they gave me- and bh am very happy!
(10/16/2011 12:56:58 AM)
5
Mother-in-law
I have B"H four married sons. I hope that in the future they
will be able to afford to buy their lovely wives jewelry. But
realistically speaking, I know that in the beginning of marriage
a girl's Kallah necklace is her main piece of jewelry. I called
Mrs. Kirsch at Pearls and More and gave her a price range.
I sent the Kallah to the store and asked to pick out what
she wants. Each of my Kallahs have such different tastes
and chose very different pieces. But B"H they are happy
with their choices. I think the Kallah's mother should speak
directly to her machatainiste and ask her if she minds if
they change it. Otherwise, your asking the Kallah to keep
pretending and wearing something she was very disappointed to receive. (Of course if she wants something
more expensive they should add money on their own).
(10/25/2011 3:19:21 PM)
6
You self centered people!!!
I can see from all these comments above that today's generation is very self centered. So what if we sacrifice to make our mother-in-law happy? No one said you have to like the gift she gives you. Say thank you with a smile and wear it when she's around. After some time put it aside. Don't wear it anymore. Does it hurt to keep it in the jewelry box? Maybe your daughters will like it or maybe when she has forgotten about it you can sell it. My mother in-law gave me a silver vase that I think is horrible but I know it is very valuable. It never occurred to me that I shouldn't accept it. Rather, I put it on the sideboard for all to see and when my girls said, "Ma, it's SO ugly!" I said to them, "That's OK. She gave it with a full heart and that's what counts! Chas veshalom to insult her by saying that I don't like it!" That's what I want my children to learn! It is my belief that this is what we must do to bring Moshiach. Keep the peace and sacrifice to make another person happy! Teach it to our children by example. I agree with the article totally. By the way, my husband doesn't like it either but we both agreed that one day we will sell it.
(10/25/2011 3:48:56 PM)
7
Not self centered
I think that the mother in law would want the kallah to like the jewelry- If the bride does not like it, and will never wear, then its a waste of money for the in laws. You could say "Thank you very much for the lovely gift.I am truly gratefule. It is a unique piece of jewelry, however my taste is more --- (conventional/modern or what ever the taste is.) I hope you would not mind if i traded it in for something else.
(1/25/2012 11:32:57 AM)
8
i disagree with the other
no a gift is about the reciever not the giver. Let your daughter tell them what she wants if she cant do that now she will not be able to do that after marriage and be trampled on or pple please. Which is not an honest relationship.
(2/3/2012 12:50:13 AM)
9
Off to a Bad Start...
I recently became a kallah B"H, and I held my breath when my chosson was about to give me my necklace. For a split second I was afraid that I wouldn't like it, that's true, but I knew that either way he and his family had gone through a LOT of trouble to get me something nice. Thank G-d my parents taught me respect for my in-laws. (By the way, it truly IS beautiful, moreso than I expected by a longshot)
(2/24/2012 2:24:19 PM)
10
DUMB ADVICE
in todays recession im sure the machatonim would much rather you switched it than never wore it. Its a waste of money.
But the machatonim should have taken her with to pick out the necklace in the first place...
(6/27/2012 3:17:06 PM)
11
I gotta say...
Re #1: You are all talking about the in-laws. How about the part where she handed it back to the CHOSSON and said she didn't like it, and he should take it back? That is just plain bad midot and insensitivity.

Re the question itself: When you receive a gift, you say thank you. Period. End of story.
You don't like it? Well, two wrongs don't make a right.. Yeah, MIL should have checked what the kalla would like. But the kalla can be nice about it, wear it when her MIL is around, and LATER ON, mention that a lot of people buy her jewelry that she doesn't like, and she likes to either go with the person buying it, or send along a friend who knows her taste in her stead.
(12/5/2012 2:25:15 PM)
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