Mar 9, 2011
Shidduchim for "Singles Again"
Illustration photo taken at Mink Jewelers in Crown Heights

A Florida Shlucha told COLlive she is setting up a "single again" service to find shidduchim for divorced and widowed men and women.

Dear COLlive readers,

It is so heartbreaking and devastating when I hear of all the divorces and sadly, the untimely deaths of many of our young brothers and sisters.

Most of the time, it's a matter of circumstances, differences and family issues that are the cause of the divorce. Chas veshalom, if there is a death it can be even worse. You are left lonely and sad, sometimes with a child/children, and it is very hard to jump back on the bandwagon and start looking for a shidduch again.

There are not many Shaddchanim who will prioritize you because you've 'been there, done that.' And to speak frankly, if you are not out there on the scene, because you are recuperating from a divorce or a tragedy, you are out of sight and out of mind.

I understand that this can also be embarrassing for many and they are ashamed of the circumstances surrounding their specific case, so I am going to make this as easy as possible, even though honestly, I have no clue how to, but I will try.

I have opened a service called "Single Again Chabad."

You can send your profile, picture, age, kids, a little about you and your story and some references as well as phone numbers where you can be reached.

When a profile comes in which seems compatible, I will call you and the other party to see if and how we can set something up. If it works then Mazel Tov, if not I will keep looking.

(I will deal directly with you and not parents. Parents, if you read this, please let your son/daughter handle this on their own.)

There is no fee, but if a Shidduch is made, a substantial contribution to our Chabad House would be greatly appreciated. I am doing this in the Zechus to hopefully find a Shidduch for a family member of mine who went through a divorce.

For the time being, I will be accepting profiles from ages 20-40.

So, send your profiles to singleagainchabad@gmail.com and let me do the rest with Hashem's help.

Let's hope this will bring many Mazel Tovs!

Besuros tovos,
A Shlucha in Florida

PS. I prefer to remain anonymous to the public (the COLlive staff know me personally). I am a busy mother and Shlucha and do not want everyone calling me telling me how crazy I am for taking on another project.

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Opinions and Comments
1
Beautiful Idea
I think this is a great idea - and so nice of you to take on. May Hashem bless you with much hatzlacha.
However, I have a suggestion for you. I do think that you should put your name and use a P.S. to tell your friends and family not to call you, as you know what you can handle. They should respect and understand your wishes. In this way, it will enable you to reach out to more 'hurting' people who might not want to send their personal life-story to someone they don't even know by name, albeit a kind 'someone'.
Hatzlacha Rabba
(3/9/2011 2:43:54 PM)
2
Thank G-d
Yasher koach and hatzlacha!
(3/9/2011 2:47:59 PM)
3
remarried
Busy shlucha, Please Keep in mind that ones beshert might not necessarily be someone with the same or similar story. I was divorced with a child and married someone who was never married before. We met on our own.
(3/9/2011 2:50:31 PM)
4
kol Hakavod
Good Luck!!

May you be blessed with much true nachas from your children and success in your work and in all that you do.
(3/9/2011 2:54:07 PM)
5
Yasher Koach
May this be a zechus for your family, chabad house and klal Yisrael.
(3/9/2011 3:23:24 PM)
6
Preventing "Singles again"
May I suggest someone open a program to assist couples in Sholom Bayis and prevent them from becoming "Singles Again"? There is a huge need for this too!!! Without immediate help I am - "Soon to be Single"
(3/9/2011 4:12:08 PM)
7
Age Discrimination
Great idea but why are you only limiting it to 40? Those of us older also deserve a second chance; and there are plenty of us at that also!
(3/9/2011 4:28:11 PM)
8
age
I feel #7 is right about the age being over 40 life does not end when a person reaches 40 Thanks!
(3/9/2011 4:40:23 PM)
9
First timers first
Why would we concentrate on helping the people who couldn’t/wouldn’t put the effort into making it work the first time round? There are so many people out there waiting for their first chance!
(3/9/2011 4:56:26 PM)
10
Re 3
I read through the article liking the idea, but about halfway through I realized the intention was to just match them one with another.
I believe what 3 was trying to say (and if not, I say so myself) is, divorcees, widows, and widowers should not be limited to dating divorcees, widows, and widowers.
(3/9/2011 4:59:34 PM)
11
curious
What about Cohanim who are only allowed to marry someone single (never married) ?
(3/9/2011 6:01:25 PM)
12
GOOD JOB
Very nice, something needs to be done. And it is not something, it is many many things for singles in general.


There are so many of us, and you it is not normal to expect shadchanim to remember and keep in mind EVERYONE and people they met 6 months ago.

It just doesn't happen.

The answer is friends. They might not be "professionals' but they love you, and if not them, who's going to set you up?

To #10

As a single guy, since I started dating at 23 the first question by almost every shadchan was "What is the oldest you are willing to consider? How about divorcee?"

So don't criticize a busy shluchah who wants to help in a real and practical way (as opposed to silly and idealistic).
(3/9/2011 6:03:26 PM)
13
Yes singles interested in dating divorced kOHEIN!!
You can send in your profiles as well. Keep in mind these are just the beginning stages, and will be working things out as it goes along.
(3/9/2011 6:08:51 PM)
14
elki
Kudos to you for undertaking a projecte on behalf of a specific segment of the community. But I most people, certainly women, wouldn't hire a painter without a personal reference. I understand your reasons for not posting your name, but if you want those who need you, to call please say who you are.
Hatzlachah.
(3/9/2011 6:31:39 PM)
15
critics
many people have brought up many good points.
however, it can be difficult to start a new project when receiving so much input/criticism right away.

if you don't like the idea - don't use it!
if you have a better way of doing this - do it!

this lady is trying to do something good
(3/9/2011 7:02:28 PM)
16
Don't judge!
Don't assume that someone is divorced because "they didn't make it work the first time". Maybe they tried and it just wasn't meant to be or maybe one tried whilst the other one didn't.
Everyone deserves a chance at being happy and being with the right person. How mahy people are stuck in unhappy marriages, because of the stigma of getting divorced.
(3/9/2011 7:13:06 PM)
17
wonderful
I think this will also encourage those that are miserable to start again!!
(3/9/2011 7:54:15 PM)
18
to number 6
rabbi paltiel is very good[ approach him!
(3/9/2011 8:03:45 PM)
19
To # 6
You MUST get help. Speak to Shea Hecht, I know he has helped lots of people.
(3/9/2011 8:14:31 PM)
20
thank you
baruch hashem someone is trying to do something good- , why ask: why arent you doing more? or differently? just thank her! we cant all sit back and criticize please!
(3/9/2011 8:51:23 PM)
21
Two things
to add to #7 and #8, I too agree the 40 limit is unfair. I am 42 and am constantly being told that I look/act so much younger, people cant believe I'm over 30 99% of the time.

To #9 I can NOT believe how narrow minded and presumptuous some people can be.... "Why would we concentrate on helping the people who couldn’t/wouldn’t put the effort into making it work the first time round?"....how much more insensitivity can one person show???? has it ever occurred to you that those of us who have suffered through a divorce, worked for years "to make it work" but some times there are circumstances beyond ones control that render the situation impossible "to work"????
(3/9/2011 9:21:24 PM)
22
Helping singles again encourages divorce
One main reason that I stay married is that I don't think I will get a better life partner. I keep hearing how hard it is for divorced people to get re-married! If I knew someone will help me - I would consider shopping around for a better deal. This service is wonderful - it gives me an "exit", "get of jail" card. We don't need to be stuck in a bad marriage! Kol hakavod! I will snd my resume before the divorce is final!
(3/9/2011 9:39:36 PM)
23
beautiful!
thank you!
(3/9/2011 10:17:31 PM)
24
To # 6
You are correct there should be a program for people who are struggling in their marriages, and there is. However, people usually seek them out too late. Its called a Mashpia or Therapist. Both are helpful and have positive results. I know someone in Miami who does Pre-marital therapy and I know he has free phone consultations for Unzerer. I am sure he can advise you. His website is miami-counseling.com
(3/10/2011 9:14:35 AM)
25
To #9
To #9, re: "First timers first": I am shocked and hurt by your insensitive comment! I am a young single mother. The former spouse I was married to was already diagnosed with and suffered from a severe psychotic mental illness (which he concealed from me at the time of our marriage.) He was also abusive. How dare you judge??? You have no idea! Is it not enough for you that every other Shadchan that exists "specializes" in "first-timers"? Do you think Hashem has created limited resources from where a person's Shidduch can come?

I understand that maybe what you are trying to say is that you would also like to see more people focus on "first-timers" as well. Please however, be careful how you say things, and please try not to judge others who have, through no fault of their own, suffered more than you will ever know.

I think this is an excellent effort! Kol HaKavod! I would suggest to the Shlucha to also accept profiles of individuals who have not yet been married, yet are open to the idea of considering a divorcee/widower.
(3/10/2011 11:16:07 AM)
26
To #18, #19 & #24
Thanks for your advice but it is too late for me. We both have too many battle scars and the damage is beyond repair. i agree with #23, that assisting "Singles Again" gives me hope and strength to face the future as a soon to be single again. I plea to others and their children to spare my children from cruel, harsh and unkind whispered gossip. They will be victims and have enough personal pain without the extra portion inflicted by others. I hope my plea does not fall to deaf ears and hearts of stone. Thank you!
(3/10/2011 12:33:48 PM)
27
To #22
"I would consider shopping around for a better deal"

Your attitude stinks! "Shopping around for a better deal" - what is marriage - a used car, where you trade in for a your old clunker for better vehicle?

Is marriage like an old couch that should be discarded as soon as it gets lumpy and worn out?

You talk about your spouse like a sale item at Macy's! It is no wonder your marriage has trouble!
(3/10/2011 12:59:19 PM)
28
We're rooting for you :)
Don't listen to those who are criticizing!
(There are always posts on here about what needs to be done, and finally someone is doing something).
You can't help all the people all the time, but well done for actually doing something to try and make a difference to some of the people, some of the time :)
(3/10/2011 1:13:11 PM)
29
To Number 9
Don't be so ignorant and selfish.
It's called AHAVAS YISROEL; heard of it?
(3/10/2011 8:20:51 PM)
30
#22 -you have serious issues
so.. a married person who wants to shop around for a better deal...are you for real?!? maybe you are worried that you wont find a better life partner because YOU WON'T. anyone new that you meet is also going to have flaws because nobody is perfect. then what are you gonna do? trade him in for a better deal? OH, and make sure you write on your resume that your divorce isn't finalized yet! --simply shocking
(3/10/2011 8:24:29 PM)
31
to 22
i agree with all the comments you are the one who needs help. with out even knowing who your wife is.she might need help too. what ae you waiting for? get help asap.
(3/10/2011 11:07:56 PM)
32
to everyone
whilst i commend this Shulcah for what she is taking on i am not impressed that she has put a cap on the age, i am 44 does that mean i stand no chance, i, like everyone has some baggage but being nearly 9 years divorced i am ready to find my bershert but i am unable to do so as there is no one to help me - my family are useless and too wrapped up in their own world to care - my friends say "they wish they could find me someone" and the shadchonim i did approach told me to do all the research and when i have done that i can get them to contact the other party for a fee of $2000 the point of that i have not figured so thats been shelved too. so tell me if you want to help why cap it at 40?? is that fair??? and besides i have a friend who is my age but re-married someone 38, which is not unheard of so please tell me why did you cap it??
Also to the woman who wishes to trade her husband for a new model - you dont deserve to be married, yes i am being harsh, but you are insensitive and thoughtless and i just wonder why your husband puts up with you......Have you any idea how hard it is on your own bringing up kids, running the whole show, going to work, coming home shattered and there is no one there for you??, you think it is so easy to get re-married - you need to get some therapy i doubt your marriage can be saved but you need help for yourself.
from a hurting 44 year old woman
(3/11/2011 10:52:54 AM)
33
kul hakavod
to the single-again who remain in the chabad community and within the shidduch system. I know many people who were burned and are now either not frum or barely.

Baruch hashem for people like this wonderful shlucha who care about those disadvantaged by their cirumcumstance. Muuch hatzlocha to you.
(3/11/2011 11:36:02 AM)
34
I believe #22...
was trying to make an insensitive sarcastic point. They were using sarcasm to insinuate that helping divorced people get married "encourages" other people to get divorced "for the wrong reason." Basically they're being just as insensitive and showing as much of a lack of ahavas yisroel as #9.
(3/11/2011 12:26:39 PM)
35
to #9
If you assume that because people are divorced, they couldn't/didn't put in the effort to make it work, you have the wrong idea about marriage and should assess your own understanding of marriage before considering it a first time. You made a huge assumption!!!! Most normal people who invested in a marriage, and may have children as well don't usually just walk out of a marriage because they didn't want it anymore. Your comment reflects an immaturity I would recommend you work at before you are ready to consider marriage and commitment!!
(3/13/2011 9:54:52 PM)
36
wonderful idea
Thank you for taking the time to do this mitzvah and asking nothing for yourself in return. Your Chabad is lucky to have you and donations in honor of efforts will be used to further Jewish outreach. When you expand your age restrictions, I may be in touch. I know my true bashert is out there.
(5/20/2011 2:21:14 PM)
37
Oday
A little yegunor is ok, but you don't want to date someone who isn't as mature as you or in the same place. Rebounds happen but don't expect anything more than that. If I were you, id date 38-40+ and go for women who have grown or teenage children and have been single for more than a year. I say more than a year because if your really ready to date then YOU don't wanna be their rebound. And if you date someone with kids, they'll understand if you have kids Most importantly, take things slow. There's no rush! Your in the prime of your life so enjoy all the time you have to yourself and have fun dating it might not be like that forever.
(4/7/2013 5:17:47 PM)
38
great idea
eveyone deserves to be happy it doesnt matter how old you are
(7/21/2013 2:00:07 PM)
39
Special Kohein Services are Needed
As a recently divorced kohein myself, and with the knowledge that there literally dozens of kohanim out there that need assistance, I wonder what type of specialized help there is? Sure would be great if there was someone to turn to in this area.
(8/22/2013 1:38:48 AM)
40
appreciative
Dear Shlucha,

Just want to show my utmost appreciation towards you. As a single mother I can fully understand and respect when someone says they have a busy lifestyle. The fact that you are taking on more is a tremendous act of chessed. Having limitations is a must so that your Family life can be your first priority.
After reading everyones comments, it is evident that we, as singles, are hurting. The need for shluchas is so great that it is impossible to do on your own. We need more people more like you. It is my hope that I can sum up what everyone else is voicing...each of us fall into different categories, and we don't want to be judged by them. we believe miracles happen and anyone can marry anyone (except the Kohanim). Yet as a matchmaker, we understand your need to label so that you stay confined to what you know. If this is the way it must be then do you know others who might be interested in branching off and helping create another group. We feel there is a need for other shluchas who specialize in the following groups: "kohanim looking", " first timers " " singles over 40", and more. BUT, BUT, BUT...as matchmakers....when finding a potential shidduch PLEASE PLEASE MESH THE PROFILES FROM ALL GROUPS so that all singles can be reviewed for each other.

Once again, this is such a huge task you are undertaking.
(8/26/2013 12:07:42 AM)
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